Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 2, Episode 1 - The Grass and the Furious - full transcript
(music playing)
Jase:
I think I'm gonna get
one of these, there.
— That's what I need.
— Put that back, dude.
— You don't need that.
— Hey.
— I do need this.
—Jase, put it down.
If you had to have
one weapon in the woods,
what would you go with?
— One weapon?
— One weapon.
Probably a ninja
throwing star.
Ninja throwing star.
Why am I not surprised?
Willie has this obsession
with ninjas.
You don't have
the body type for a leotard.
I think there's
a weight limit on ninjas.
Jase:
When he takes off running,
he looks like two possums
fighting over a dead squirrel
in a tow sack.
You couldn't even get
in a ninja suit.
Real ninjas have all kinda
different body weights.
I think he's more like
a sumo wrestler
than a ninja.
Have you ever seen
“Enter the Ninja"?
— No, I have not.
— ( tractor engine buzzing)
Oh, no.
Phillip McMillan.
What?
What's going on,
duck boys?
Jase? What about it,
Dimples?
Dude, nobody calls me
Dimples anymore.
Really?
'Cause I just did.
Jase and I have known
Phillip McMillan since
high school.
He's the guy who thinks
he is the best at everything.
When you're 21 and
still in high school,yeah,
you're pretty good
at stuff.
How's the duck
business going?
It's going great.
How's the...
whatever you do?
This is what
you're into now?
Riding lawn mowers
in town?
This is just my
ride—around mower.
My racing rig is what
I'm really proud of.
(both laugh)
Huh?
Jase:
I hate lawn mowers.
Let's get rid of them all all.
The world would be
a better place.
If you combine the time
you waste cutting grass
with the time you waste
shaving your face,
we'd be going to Venus,
you know,
we could be doing whatever.
You ever won
any of these races?
Yeah, I win 'em all.
If you boys
are interested,
y'all might wanna
meet me up there
for a little race
on Saturday night.
Are you challenging me?
If y'all could put
something together.
You can talk any
redneck into a challenge.
I'll beat the crap
outta you in a lawn mower.
That's why
so many rednecks die
in such strange ways.
'Cause he would
rather be dead
than disrespected.
Well, get all
your boys together,
fix up whatever you want,
and let's get it on.
— Done.
— I just might
have to do that.
— I'll be waitin'.
— Put a darn shirt on, dude.
— See you at the races.
— That's what I'm sayin'.
Hit him right in the forehead
with a throwing star.
(theme music playing)
♪YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ALL OF YOUR LIFE;
♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN' ♪
♪ THIS WAY:
♪
♪YOU'LL BE WORKIN' ♪
♪AND SLAVIN';
♪YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY♪
♪
This is gonna take
a little work.
All right,
stop what you're doing.
— Hey, I'm about
to ruin—
—Si.
Hey, stop what you're doing
cause I'm about to ruin
the image and the sound
you're used to.
Look here,
I love that Humpty song.
Stop cramping my style, man.
— ( Quacks)
— Hey, forget
the duck calls.
— Hmm?
—This is serious, boys.
Look, here's the deal.
We've been challenged.
—Who challenged us?
— Phillip McMillan.
— (groans)
— Unbelievable.
Needless to say,
I can't stand the guy.
— Who can?
— Hey, he stole my favorite
hat one time,
and I got a sunburn
on my head.
— He made fun of my beard.
—(all groan)
Ugh,yeah.
Hey, you never insult
a man's beard.
You're fixin' to get either
the thunder or the lightnin'.
Either one.
— Where'd you see him at?
— At the hardware store.
Riding his lawn mower.
I ain't never seen him
on nothing else.
He challenged us
to a race.
— Godwin: A face?
—What, racing lawn mowers?
A lawn mower race.
What we gonna do,
see who can cut the most grass?
No, Si. A race.
We get in a line
and we race
and whoever's
the fastest wins.
Here's what I need you to do.
We're gonna have a time trial
at my house.
Go get your lawn mower,
meet me there in two hours.
— What are we gonna do,
mow your grass?
— Si!
I don't know what y'all
are talkin' about.
Bring your lawn mower.
Now we gonna go over
and mow his grass.
Kay:
All right, girls.
Today, I'm making
a duck gumbo
for Papaw Phil.
But you know
how you start off
making it?
—You make a roux.
— You're making kangaroo?
— It's just called a roux.
— Well, what's that?
That is a sauce.
Hey, buddy.
The older women teaching
the younger women how to cook.
Now that's
a good thing there.
Isn't that
a pretty picture?
When you see your grandkids
all gathered 'round
and Mamaw's showing 'em
how to cook a roux,
I consider that
a very positive thing.
Especially in this culture.
What are we doing,
little chickies?
—We cooking here?
—We're making gumbo.
If she surprises me
with that gumbo out of
the clear blue,
that usually means
there's ulterior motives
in there somewhere.
She's up to something.
Whoa.
What's in the box,
Miss Kay?
Oh, this little country cottage
I got for the girls.
But [just need you
to put it together.
Yep, I get it now.
Well, suppose I don't
put this house together today.
Well, suppose I don't
serve you this gumbo today.
If Miss Kay thinks she's
gonna get me to do her bidding
by cooking me a gumbo,
she's got another thing
coming there.
What is this stuff?
I don't know.
I'll figure it out.
Ah.
— Whaa.
— Whaa.
(chatter)
—This is tiny.
— Papaw!
Well, the bottom line is,
I'm just glad I didn't
have a house full of girls.
Seems rather
nightmarish to me.
— (clattering)
— Where does this go?
Where does this go?
Ahh!
Don't just stand there.
I found nails.
Put that over there.
Ooh, I feel sorry for that poor
soul that has to raise them.
Glad it didn't happen to me.
What in the world?
Phil:
Cuteness and sweetness
is good
with granddaughters
for about,
what, a minute or two.
Tell 'em to hit the road.
60 back in the back room
and play dolls
or whatever they do.
I tell you what.
Look, go see Miss Kay
and then come back
and I'll get it fixed.
Papaw Phil, do you know
what you're doing?
— I'll fix it.
— Are you sure?
— See you later.
— Good grief.
(music playing)
Willie:
Look, we’re doing
a time trial here.
We're doing three laps
to see who has the best motor,
best driving skills,
and all—around
best driving demeanor.
Now it's on
to the time trials.
It's time to take these mowers
out in the open lawn
and clean the pipes out.
Does anybody
have a lawn mower,
like, post—1995?
This thing's
about 45 years old,
but, hey.
It still runs.
St
Hey, this is a 1965
Praying Mantis
Grasshopper.
This one is made
for leisurely driving, boys.
Take it slow and easy,
like the tortoise
and the hare, boys.
Hey, who won that?
You know...
it was the cat
that took it slow and easy.
Hey, it's
a Praying Mantis.
(laughs)
Anyway,Jep.
What are you running?
All I got's
a push mower.
( Slurred )
What kind of race
is this anyway?
(all laughing)
I think that tea
might've turned
on you.
Willie: Let's be honest.
This time trial is just'
for show.
I really just wanted
the guys to come out
and see how good
I was on the lawn mower.
I think I've got
this thing locked down.
Whoa. Seriously?
What are you doing?
Korie: We've got our entire
Duck Commander workforce
sitting in my yard
on old lawn mowers.
We're fixing to have
a lawn mower race.
— It's a time trial.
— Whatever.
I thought y'all
were kidding when you were
talking about this.
No, I don't kid
when somebody challenges
my manhood.
Hey, he started this war.
Jase: This is about Phillip
McMillan, know what I mean?
It doesn't matter
if we're throwing rocks.
If he challenged us to who could
fly a kite the highest,
we'd all be out there
with strings, you know?
It's about manhood.
Standing up and being a man.
This is what we do.
All right, gentlemen.
Start your engines.
Ready?
Korie:
Oh—
— Hyah!
— Where you going there?
Willie's
cheating already.
— You cheated!
— ( laughs)
Hey,Jep. That's not
a half—bad idea.
(laughs)
— Oh,Jep!
— Man down!
Man down.
Jase:
Do I feel stupid?
Oh, yeah.
I'm on a lawn mower
in Willie's backyard
with other grown men.
Would! rather look stupid
than disgraced by a redneck?
I'll take stupid every day.
All right.
Uh—huh.
Sr.
Between the five of us here,
I figure we can get
this 10 acres cut
in, what, 30 minutes?
Hey, this Praying Mantis?
Smooth cuttin'.
It's like when a woman
goes to the beauty
parlor, okay?
She went in there
looking like an old hag,
and then she comes out
looking like Dolly Parton.
Hey!
Get out of the way.
Look out, look out,
look out!
— Oh, my—
— Oh!
— ( Cheers)
— Sr. You boys are mad.
Willie:
just like / thought.
Big Winner:
But my mower definitely needs
some more speed.
By the time I get
through with it,
I'm gonna demolish
Phillip McMillan.
It's time
to get serious.
I'm talking
Phillip “McMillion.”
I'm talking
Phillip “McVillain.”
— He's going down.
— He's going down.
He's on fire.
That's it.
(laughs)
Let's get her
to the warehouse.
Let's soup
this baby up.
I knew I didn't need
no directions
on something like that.
Good night.
I figured the granddaughters
will be happy, happy, happy
when they see the grandpa
architectural skills
on a playhouse.
Yeah, that'll work.
NOW that's a “he mete
of work fight there.
If I have
to say so myself.
— What do you think?
— It doesn't look like
the picture.
Close enough.
— No:7
Phil, you've got parts
all over there
you haven't even used.
I can tell he's tossed
the directions one more time.
Decide to do it all hisself.
But it's not lookin' right.
What's that?
That is where, I think,
you take a leak.
— Women do not do that.
— That's nasty.
Yeah, well.
Yeah, I don't think
they're gonna use
the commode for anything.
So, I guess it was there
just for decor.
What do y'all think, girls?
Are you fired up or what?
— There's not even a window.
— You want a window?
— Yeah.
— Where you want it?
— Right here?
— Right there.
All right,
back out of the way.
You want a window,
I'll give you a window.
(engine roaring)
The chain saw,
in this part of the country,
is a redneck's best friend.
You can take trees down,
you can cut your firewood up,
or you can work on
grandchildren's playhouses.
They are ready to go.
Way better.
What else y'all
need to do to it?
Nothing else!
Stop! Stop!
Standard equipment.
I carry one with me
all the time.
Climb up in there.
What do you think?
Girl:
/1"5 coo/.
A duck blind?
Now you're talking.
I'm gonna leave on that.
I believe you girls
are gonna turn out just fine.
All right, gentlemen.
I think you know why
we're all here.
Why are we here?
We're modifying this mower,
you idiot. I told y'all.
— Well, how you do that?
— We're gonna beef it up.
It's beefed up.
You're sittin' on it.
Do y'all wanna make duck calls?
Is that what you wanna do?
— No.
— No.
I like a project.
Let's go with it.
Willie:
I 'm gonna take this regular,
ordinary lawn mower
and turn it into
a super beast racing machine.
I've done
a little research.
This is what I want
this lookin' like.
Well, hell, you got
a picture of it.
Why don't we get that one?
That belongs
to Phillip McMillan.
That's some pretty good
research there.
I got it off the Internet.
It was on his status update.
So you're friends
with him on the Internet?
Not me, but another name.
Willie: Lets-go.
— There you go now.
— Take it off.
You get a redneck
working on a mower,
you're gonna get
something awesome.
You put five rednecks
on a mower,
you're gonna get
something epic.
How else can we drop weight?
Although you're really
not good at dropping weight.
( Loud banging)
Si! Si! Stop!
What are you doing?
It's all about physics
and aerodynamics.
Just trying
to do my part, boys.
Sr. These boys
don't know nothing.
Hey, I don't know nothing
and I'm the best one
there is around this bunch.
What are we doing?
You said tear it apart,
so we is tearing it apart.
That doesn't look
like the picture.
Well...
we shoulda got
Red up here.
He builds
racing lawn mowers.
He does what?
Jimmy Red builds
racing lawn mowers?
— Yep.
— What?
Willie: Hey, Godwin. I know
you're not the smartest
pickle in the barrel
but don't you think that
woulda been pertinent
information
before we got ourselves
in this mess?
— Does it go fast?
— Yeah, it goes fast.
— About 80.
— Why didn't you
open your mouth?
I didn't wanna build
no duck calls.
I hope Jimmy Red's mower's
a whole lot faster
than this one.
'Cause we ain't losin'
to Phillip McMillan.
Here's what we do.
We're gonna put
all this back together.
We're taking it back.
— Good luck with that.
— Hey, we'll do this tomorrow.
— We're racing tomorrow.
— It ain't that big a deal.
Hey, we can do it
in the morning.
I'm serious.
Hey.
Godwin: Good luck
taking that back.
There we go.
Y'all push,
I'm focusin'.
Focusin' on what?
Not doing anything?
This is it.
This is the big time.
We got Jimmy Red's mower
and it looks fast as crap.
— Oh, here we go.
— Easy.
Yeah, thanks for the help.
There's no way
we're losing.
I'm gonna beat the crap
out of Phillip in this
lawn mower race.
— Whoa.
— They got some serious
machinery here, boys.
I'm telling you one thing.
They don't look like they're
kidding around.
How hard can it be?
Look at how fast
they're goin'.
When I accepted
Phillip's challenge,
I didn't realize
that death could occur.
Don't be a coward.
We can do this.
I'm not quittin'
'cause I ain't a quitter.
But I am a little concerned.
What's the worst thing
that could happen to you?
I could freakin' die.
You'll be all right.
Willie is not
gonna be okay.
Let's go.
Come on.
(music playing)
Phil: My granddaughter said,
”Let's go with the duck blind”
and I said, "Well, now we
are cooking with peanut oil.”
(quacking)
Are y'all fired up
about these ducks or what?
Both:
Yeah!
I thought so.
I am really proud
of my granddaughters.
Hey, you never know.
They may turn out
to be duck hunters.
It is never too early
to teach 'em.
Look out there on that bench
in front of you.
You see 'em
lined up out there?
We gonna see
what kinda shots you are.
Crack 'em and stack 'em.
For everybody who hits
one of those ducks,
that's a crisp $1 bill.
( POPS )
Phil: / didn't hear
any meat pop.
— I don't think I got it.
— No dollar for you.
I'm trying to teach
these grandkids of mine
the Robertson way.
Phil: Put your head down when
you look right down the barrel.
- ( POPS)
— I think I missed.
Phil:
I made a valiant attempt,
but I'm not making
much headway.
Put the front sight
right on the duck, Mary.
She's fixed to shoot.
( POPS )
Phil: Bingo.
Whoa.
You got him.
(laughs)
Hey, good work. Y'all some
duck hunters now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
one more yuppie girl
moved just a little closer
to bein' a redneck.
Phil: Wow/dye” rather
play with dolls or duck hunt?
All:
Duck hunt!
There's still hope
for America out there.
You girls may
make rednecks after all.
It's a start.
It's a good day.
They learned
a good lesson there.
Hey, were you serious
about my dollar?
I did say I'd give you
a dollar, didn't I?
If you hit a duck.
You're just like a woman.
Thank you.
All it takes is money.
(music playing)
Man Over loudspeaker:
Welcome to the Ike Hamilton
Saturday night
lawn mower races.
(engine roars)
Mountain Man:
Racers, start your mowers.
We can do this.
We can do it.
You're goin' down,
duck boy.
No, I ain't.
You're goin' down.
On your mark, get set,
(fires)
And they're off!
( Cheering )
— He's getting lapped.
—I know.
( Audience cheering)
Oh, this is bad.
This is bad.
Yeah, it's bad.
Jase:
I look at Willie
and all I'm getting
from him is terror.
He won't get off
the inner track.
He's driving
eight miles an hour.
He's scared to death.
You're okay,
you're okay, you're okay.
These guys are fast.
Like, supersonic fast.
All I'm thinking about right
now is, “Don't die."
Because if I die,
in a weird way,
Phillip wins.
Look at McMillan.
Looks like Phillip McMillan
is having engine troubles.
Jase:
I see that Phillip's
in trouble.
I'm thinking,
“You know what?
We can't win the war,
but we can win this battle."
Willie can take him.
Go, Willie!
Mountain Man:
Phillip McMillan
bringing up the rear.
Forget winnin' the race,
we just want to beat Phillip.
Sr. He's actually got
a little speed buildin' now.
Yeah!
All you gotta do
is finish.
All right!
Jase:
Come on, baby!
Whoo!
Whoo!
He got him!
We'll take it.
You were terrible,
but, hey,
you didn't finish last.
Whoo!
Boom.
That's what I'm talking about.
Why don't you go back
and get you an undershirt?
Better luck next time.
Take them cross back
to the old trailer house.
All right, let's go get
something to eat.
Hey, wait. We need to go
put that lawn mower together.
Phil:
Father, we thank you for
another good day
on planet Earth.
We also thank you for keeping
old Willie safe during the race.
— Amen.
— All: Amen.
Let's eat.
Willie:
A wise' man once safe!
"You can't always get
what you want,
but sometimes
you get what you need.”
Phillip McMillan
needed his tail whupped
in a lawn mower race,.
My nieces needed some quality
redneck time with Papaw.
And I had the need
for speed.
Ow!
Well, I didn't exactly
get that, either.
But I did learn the value of
having a great pit crew.
And on the race of life,
that's your family and friends.
They're the ones that make you
feel like you've won
even when you come in last.
And that's better than
any trophy in the world.
Sr. Hey, Willie.
The praying mantis
cuts grass way better than
that thing you drive.
Willie: It' has nothing to do
with grass.
Jase:
I think I'm gonna get
one of these, there.
— That's what I need.
— Put that back, dude.
— You don't need that.
— Hey.
— I do need this.
—Jase, put it down.
If you had to have
one weapon in the woods,
what would you go with?
— One weapon?
— One weapon.
Probably a ninja
throwing star.
Ninja throwing star.
Why am I not surprised?
Willie has this obsession
with ninjas.
You don't have
the body type for a leotard.
I think there's
a weight limit on ninjas.
Jase:
When he takes off running,
he looks like two possums
fighting over a dead squirrel
in a tow sack.
You couldn't even get
in a ninja suit.
Real ninjas have all kinda
different body weights.
I think he's more like
a sumo wrestler
than a ninja.
Have you ever seen
“Enter the Ninja"?
— No, I have not.
— ( tractor engine buzzing)
Oh, no.
Phillip McMillan.
What?
What's going on,
duck boys?
Jase? What about it,
Dimples?
Dude, nobody calls me
Dimples anymore.
Really?
'Cause I just did.
Jase and I have known
Phillip McMillan since
high school.
He's the guy who thinks
he is the best at everything.
When you're 21 and
still in high school,yeah,
you're pretty good
at stuff.
How's the duck
business going?
It's going great.
How's the...
whatever you do?
This is what
you're into now?
Riding lawn mowers
in town?
This is just my
ride—around mower.
My racing rig is what
I'm really proud of.
(both laugh)
Huh?
Jase:
I hate lawn mowers.
Let's get rid of them all all.
The world would be
a better place.
If you combine the time
you waste cutting grass
with the time you waste
shaving your face,
we'd be going to Venus,
you know,
we could be doing whatever.
You ever won
any of these races?
Yeah, I win 'em all.
If you boys
are interested,
y'all might wanna
meet me up there
for a little race
on Saturday night.
Are you challenging me?
If y'all could put
something together.
You can talk any
redneck into a challenge.
I'll beat the crap
outta you in a lawn mower.
That's why
so many rednecks die
in such strange ways.
'Cause he would
rather be dead
than disrespected.
Well, get all
your boys together,
fix up whatever you want,
and let's get it on.
— Done.
— I just might
have to do that.
— I'll be waitin'.
— Put a darn shirt on, dude.
— See you at the races.
— That's what I'm sayin'.
Hit him right in the forehead
with a throwing star.
(theme music playing)
♪YOU'LL BE WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ALL OF YOUR LIFE;
♪ THE BLOOD IN YOU BOILIN' ♪
♪ THIS WAY:
♪
♪YOU'LL BE WORKIN' ♪
♪AND SLAVIN';
♪YOUR WHOLE LIFE AWAY♪
♪
This is gonna take
a little work.
All right,
stop what you're doing.
— Hey, I'm about
to ruin—
—Si.
Hey, stop what you're doing
cause I'm about to ruin
the image and the sound
you're used to.
Look here,
I love that Humpty song.
Stop cramping my style, man.
— ( Quacks)
— Hey, forget
the duck calls.
— Hmm?
—This is serious, boys.
Look, here's the deal.
We've been challenged.
—Who challenged us?
— Phillip McMillan.
— (groans)
— Unbelievable.
Needless to say,
I can't stand the guy.
— Who can?
— Hey, he stole my favorite
hat one time,
and I got a sunburn
on my head.
— He made fun of my beard.
—(all groan)
Ugh,yeah.
Hey, you never insult
a man's beard.
You're fixin' to get either
the thunder or the lightnin'.
Either one.
— Where'd you see him at?
— At the hardware store.
Riding his lawn mower.
I ain't never seen him
on nothing else.
He challenged us
to a race.
— Godwin: A face?
—What, racing lawn mowers?
A lawn mower race.
What we gonna do,
see who can cut the most grass?
No, Si. A race.
We get in a line
and we race
and whoever's
the fastest wins.
Here's what I need you to do.
We're gonna have a time trial
at my house.
Go get your lawn mower,
meet me there in two hours.
— What are we gonna do,
mow your grass?
— Si!
I don't know what y'all
are talkin' about.
Bring your lawn mower.
Now we gonna go over
and mow his grass.
Kay:
All right, girls.
Today, I'm making
a duck gumbo
for Papaw Phil.
But you know
how you start off
making it?
—You make a roux.
— You're making kangaroo?
— It's just called a roux.
— Well, what's that?
That is a sauce.
Hey, buddy.
The older women teaching
the younger women how to cook.
Now that's
a good thing there.
Isn't that
a pretty picture?
When you see your grandkids
all gathered 'round
and Mamaw's showing 'em
how to cook a roux,
I consider that
a very positive thing.
Especially in this culture.
What are we doing,
little chickies?
—We cooking here?
—We're making gumbo.
If she surprises me
with that gumbo out of
the clear blue,
that usually means
there's ulterior motives
in there somewhere.
She's up to something.
Whoa.
What's in the box,
Miss Kay?
Oh, this little country cottage
I got for the girls.
But [just need you
to put it together.
Yep, I get it now.
Well, suppose I don't
put this house together today.
Well, suppose I don't
serve you this gumbo today.
If Miss Kay thinks she's
gonna get me to do her bidding
by cooking me a gumbo,
she's got another thing
coming there.
What is this stuff?
I don't know.
I'll figure it out.
Ah.
— Whaa.
— Whaa.
(chatter)
—This is tiny.
— Papaw!
Well, the bottom line is,
I'm just glad I didn't
have a house full of girls.
Seems rather
nightmarish to me.
— (clattering)
— Where does this go?
Where does this go?
Ahh!
Don't just stand there.
I found nails.
Put that over there.
Ooh, I feel sorry for that poor
soul that has to raise them.
Glad it didn't happen to me.
What in the world?
Phil:
Cuteness and sweetness
is good
with granddaughters
for about,
what, a minute or two.
Tell 'em to hit the road.
60 back in the back room
and play dolls
or whatever they do.
I tell you what.
Look, go see Miss Kay
and then come back
and I'll get it fixed.
Papaw Phil, do you know
what you're doing?
— I'll fix it.
— Are you sure?
— See you later.
— Good grief.
(music playing)
Willie:
Look, we’re doing
a time trial here.
We're doing three laps
to see who has the best motor,
best driving skills,
and all—around
best driving demeanor.
Now it's on
to the time trials.
It's time to take these mowers
out in the open lawn
and clean the pipes out.
Does anybody
have a lawn mower,
like, post—1995?
This thing's
about 45 years old,
but, hey.
It still runs.
St
Hey, this is a 1965
Praying Mantis
Grasshopper.
This one is made
for leisurely driving, boys.
Take it slow and easy,
like the tortoise
and the hare, boys.
Hey, who won that?
You know...
it was the cat
that took it slow and easy.
Hey, it's
a Praying Mantis.
(laughs)
Anyway,Jep.
What are you running?
All I got's
a push mower.
( Slurred )
What kind of race
is this anyway?
(all laughing)
I think that tea
might've turned
on you.
Willie: Let's be honest.
This time trial is just'
for show.
I really just wanted
the guys to come out
and see how good
I was on the lawn mower.
I think I've got
this thing locked down.
Whoa. Seriously?
What are you doing?
Korie: We've got our entire
Duck Commander workforce
sitting in my yard
on old lawn mowers.
We're fixing to have
a lawn mower race.
— It's a time trial.
— Whatever.
I thought y'all
were kidding when you were
talking about this.
No, I don't kid
when somebody challenges
my manhood.
Hey, he started this war.
Jase: This is about Phillip
McMillan, know what I mean?
It doesn't matter
if we're throwing rocks.
If he challenged us to who could
fly a kite the highest,
we'd all be out there
with strings, you know?
It's about manhood.
Standing up and being a man.
This is what we do.
All right, gentlemen.
Start your engines.
Ready?
Korie:
Oh—
— Hyah!
— Where you going there?
Willie's
cheating already.
— You cheated!
— ( laughs)
Hey,Jep. That's not
a half—bad idea.
(laughs)
— Oh,Jep!
— Man down!
Man down.
Jase:
Do I feel stupid?
Oh, yeah.
I'm on a lawn mower
in Willie's backyard
with other grown men.
Would! rather look stupid
than disgraced by a redneck?
I'll take stupid every day.
All right.
Uh—huh.
Sr.
Between the five of us here,
I figure we can get
this 10 acres cut
in, what, 30 minutes?
Hey, this Praying Mantis?
Smooth cuttin'.
It's like when a woman
goes to the beauty
parlor, okay?
She went in there
looking like an old hag,
and then she comes out
looking like Dolly Parton.
Hey!
Get out of the way.
Look out, look out,
look out!
— Oh, my—
— Oh!
— ( Cheers)
— Sr. You boys are mad.
Willie:
just like / thought.
Big Winner:
But my mower definitely needs
some more speed.
By the time I get
through with it,
I'm gonna demolish
Phillip McMillan.
It's time
to get serious.
I'm talking
Phillip “McMillion.”
I'm talking
Phillip “McVillain.”
— He's going down.
— He's going down.
He's on fire.
That's it.
(laughs)
Let's get her
to the warehouse.
Let's soup
this baby up.
I knew I didn't need
no directions
on something like that.
Good night.
I figured the granddaughters
will be happy, happy, happy
when they see the grandpa
architectural skills
on a playhouse.
Yeah, that'll work.
NOW that's a “he mete
of work fight there.
If I have
to say so myself.
— What do you think?
— It doesn't look like
the picture.
Close enough.
— No:7
Phil, you've got parts
all over there
you haven't even used.
I can tell he's tossed
the directions one more time.
Decide to do it all hisself.
But it's not lookin' right.
What's that?
That is where, I think,
you take a leak.
— Women do not do that.
— That's nasty.
Yeah, well.
Yeah, I don't think
they're gonna use
the commode for anything.
So, I guess it was there
just for decor.
What do y'all think, girls?
Are you fired up or what?
— There's not even a window.
— You want a window?
— Yeah.
— Where you want it?
— Right here?
— Right there.
All right,
back out of the way.
You want a window,
I'll give you a window.
(engine roaring)
The chain saw,
in this part of the country,
is a redneck's best friend.
You can take trees down,
you can cut your firewood up,
or you can work on
grandchildren's playhouses.
They are ready to go.
Way better.
What else y'all
need to do to it?
Nothing else!
Stop! Stop!
Standard equipment.
I carry one with me
all the time.
Climb up in there.
What do you think?
Girl:
/1"5 coo/.
A duck blind?
Now you're talking.
I'm gonna leave on that.
I believe you girls
are gonna turn out just fine.
All right, gentlemen.
I think you know why
we're all here.
Why are we here?
We're modifying this mower,
you idiot. I told y'all.
— Well, how you do that?
— We're gonna beef it up.
It's beefed up.
You're sittin' on it.
Do y'all wanna make duck calls?
Is that what you wanna do?
— No.
— No.
I like a project.
Let's go with it.
Willie:
I 'm gonna take this regular,
ordinary lawn mower
and turn it into
a super beast racing machine.
I've done
a little research.
This is what I want
this lookin' like.
Well, hell, you got
a picture of it.
Why don't we get that one?
That belongs
to Phillip McMillan.
That's some pretty good
research there.
I got it off the Internet.
It was on his status update.
So you're friends
with him on the Internet?
Not me, but another name.
Willie: Lets-go.
— There you go now.
— Take it off.
You get a redneck
working on a mower,
you're gonna get
something awesome.
You put five rednecks
on a mower,
you're gonna get
something epic.
How else can we drop weight?
Although you're really
not good at dropping weight.
( Loud banging)
Si! Si! Stop!
What are you doing?
It's all about physics
and aerodynamics.
Just trying
to do my part, boys.
Sr. These boys
don't know nothing.
Hey, I don't know nothing
and I'm the best one
there is around this bunch.
What are we doing?
You said tear it apart,
so we is tearing it apart.
That doesn't look
like the picture.
Well...
we shoulda got
Red up here.
He builds
racing lawn mowers.
He does what?
Jimmy Red builds
racing lawn mowers?
— Yep.
— What?
Willie: Hey, Godwin. I know
you're not the smartest
pickle in the barrel
but don't you think that
woulda been pertinent
information
before we got ourselves
in this mess?
— Does it go fast?
— Yeah, it goes fast.
— About 80.
— Why didn't you
open your mouth?
I didn't wanna build
no duck calls.
I hope Jimmy Red's mower's
a whole lot faster
than this one.
'Cause we ain't losin'
to Phillip McMillan.
Here's what we do.
We're gonna put
all this back together.
We're taking it back.
— Good luck with that.
— Hey, we'll do this tomorrow.
— We're racing tomorrow.
— It ain't that big a deal.
Hey, we can do it
in the morning.
I'm serious.
Hey.
Godwin: Good luck
taking that back.
There we go.
Y'all push,
I'm focusin'.
Focusin' on what?
Not doing anything?
This is it.
This is the big time.
We got Jimmy Red's mower
and it looks fast as crap.
— Oh, here we go.
— Easy.
Yeah, thanks for the help.
There's no way
we're losing.
I'm gonna beat the crap
out of Phillip in this
lawn mower race.
— Whoa.
— They got some serious
machinery here, boys.
I'm telling you one thing.
They don't look like they're
kidding around.
How hard can it be?
Look at how fast
they're goin'.
When I accepted
Phillip's challenge,
I didn't realize
that death could occur.
Don't be a coward.
We can do this.
I'm not quittin'
'cause I ain't a quitter.
But I am a little concerned.
What's the worst thing
that could happen to you?
I could freakin' die.
You'll be all right.
Willie is not
gonna be okay.
Let's go.
Come on.
(music playing)
Phil: My granddaughter said,
”Let's go with the duck blind”
and I said, "Well, now we
are cooking with peanut oil.”
(quacking)
Are y'all fired up
about these ducks or what?
Both:
Yeah!
I thought so.
I am really proud
of my granddaughters.
Hey, you never know.
They may turn out
to be duck hunters.
It is never too early
to teach 'em.
Look out there on that bench
in front of you.
You see 'em
lined up out there?
We gonna see
what kinda shots you are.
Crack 'em and stack 'em.
For everybody who hits
one of those ducks,
that's a crisp $1 bill.
( POPS )
Phil: / didn't hear
any meat pop.
— I don't think I got it.
— No dollar for you.
I'm trying to teach
these grandkids of mine
the Robertson way.
Phil: Put your head down when
you look right down the barrel.
- ( POPS)
— I think I missed.
Phil:
I made a valiant attempt,
but I'm not making
much headway.
Put the front sight
right on the duck, Mary.
She's fixed to shoot.
( POPS )
Phil: Bingo.
Whoa.
You got him.
(laughs)
Hey, good work. Y'all some
duck hunters now.
Ladies and gentlemen,
one more yuppie girl
moved just a little closer
to bein' a redneck.
Phil: Wow/dye” rather
play with dolls or duck hunt?
All:
Duck hunt!
There's still hope
for America out there.
You girls may
make rednecks after all.
It's a start.
It's a good day.
They learned
a good lesson there.
Hey, were you serious
about my dollar?
I did say I'd give you
a dollar, didn't I?
If you hit a duck.
You're just like a woman.
Thank you.
All it takes is money.
(music playing)
Man Over loudspeaker:
Welcome to the Ike Hamilton
Saturday night
lawn mower races.
(engine roars)
Mountain Man:
Racers, start your mowers.
We can do this.
We can do it.
You're goin' down,
duck boy.
No, I ain't.
You're goin' down.
On your mark, get set,
(fires)
And they're off!
( Cheering )
— He's getting lapped.
—I know.
( Audience cheering)
Oh, this is bad.
This is bad.
Yeah, it's bad.
Jase:
I look at Willie
and all I'm getting
from him is terror.
He won't get off
the inner track.
He's driving
eight miles an hour.
He's scared to death.
You're okay,
you're okay, you're okay.
These guys are fast.
Like, supersonic fast.
All I'm thinking about right
now is, “Don't die."
Because if I die,
in a weird way,
Phillip wins.
Look at McMillan.
Looks like Phillip McMillan
is having engine troubles.
Jase:
I see that Phillip's
in trouble.
I'm thinking,
“You know what?
We can't win the war,
but we can win this battle."
Willie can take him.
Go, Willie!
Mountain Man:
Phillip McMillan
bringing up the rear.
Forget winnin' the race,
we just want to beat Phillip.
Sr. He's actually got
a little speed buildin' now.
Yeah!
All you gotta do
is finish.
All right!
Jase:
Come on, baby!
Whoo!
Whoo!
He got him!
We'll take it.
You were terrible,
but, hey,
you didn't finish last.
Whoo!
Boom.
That's what I'm talking about.
Why don't you go back
and get you an undershirt?
Better luck next time.
Take them cross back
to the old trailer house.
All right, let's go get
something to eat.
Hey, wait. We need to go
put that lawn mower together.
Phil:
Father, we thank you for
another good day
on planet Earth.
We also thank you for keeping
old Willie safe during the race.
— Amen.
— All: Amen.
Let's eat.
Willie:
A wise' man once safe!
"You can't always get
what you want,
but sometimes
you get what you need.”
Phillip McMillan
needed his tail whupped
in a lawn mower race,.
My nieces needed some quality
redneck time with Papaw.
And I had the need
for speed.
Ow!
Well, I didn't exactly
get that, either.
But I did learn the value of
having a great pit crew.
And on the race of life,
that's your family and friends.
They're the ones that make you
feel like you've won
even when you come in last.
And that's better than
any trophy in the world.
Sr. Hey, Willie.
The praying mantis
cuts grass way better than
that thing you drive.
Willie: It' has nothing to do
with grass.