Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 11, Episode 9 - When Doves Fry - full transcript

Let's get this
mess loaded, boys.

Watch your toes.

Si, you gonna help
us or you gonna...

I'm on... You know, I'm in
charge of getting it done.

- What does that mean?
- I'm gonna take a break.

Pfft. All right, who's going
dove hunting tomorrow with me?

- I'm gonna take out an excuse.
- What?

I've been driving all over
going down there to the field.

There ain't no doves on the highland.
There ain't no doves in this country!

It's opening day.

I know it's opening
day, but hey, excuse.



I'm gonna pass myself.

- I'm going fishing.
- It's hot.

- It's too hot to hunt.
- What's wrong with you people?

Look, yes, it's hot.

Yes, doves are
unpredictable on when they fly.

That's part of hunting.

We got the rest of
the fall to dove hunt.

I wanna eat some crappie.

Here's the deal.

You can only shoot
15 doves per individual.

Jep, you're my brother. I
need somebody else to go.

- If nobody else is gonna go, I'll go.
- All right, you're in.

Everyone I know loves to participate
in the eating of delicious doves.

You can't participate if
we don't have the doves.



You gotta put the work
in to have the payoff.

Well, that means 30.

So, hey, when you cook 'em,
you got enough for us to be invited.

Amen.

You know what I'm
gonna do when I cook 'em?

- What?
- I'm gonna give you an excuse.

Oh, my goodness.

- What in the world?
- Wow.

That's Willie driving.

That would be one-deuce
and half Army vehicle.

- That's a beast.
- Hit the horn!

He don't know where the horn is.

- Shut it off!
- He don't know how to kill it.

What's up, privates?

- You bought that?!
- Yeah, I bought it.

Anyone who wonders
why I bought this giant truck

has probably never been behind
the wheel of a big giant truck.

I know why you bought it.

It's the only vehicle that
can make you look small.

Good one. I like... Bam!

Hey.

People say "go big or go home,"

but when I saw this truck, I
thought, "go big and go home."

He's got a deuce
and a half truck,

okay, with a
three-quarter ton driver.

Hey. There you go, boys.

And despite what
these idiots say,

I did not get this truck
so I could look thinner,

although I won't complain if
that's a unintended consequence.

You wanna come dove hunting with
me tomorrow? You can bring that truck.

- I gotta do some work at the ranch.
- You ain't gonna do no work.

Jase, I got stuff I gotta
do. I'll go the next day.

- Well, hey, let me borrow it.
- No, I'm not letting you borrow it!

Why ain't you gonna
let me borrow the truck?

- Cause you're old.
- Hey.

- You're blind.
- Okay.

You can't drive.

I was driving a truck like that
when you was in diapers, buddy boy.

It's been 80 years since
you've been in the military.

Hey, it's like falling off a
bicycle, okay? You never forget.

Falling off the bike?

Si, you're not using this truck.

What are you talking
about?! Let me borrow it!

Hey, look, y'all bring me
some of them doves, all right?

- No.
- I just need a few.

I'll bring you some doves if I can
borrow the deuce and half truck.

Shoot. Fine.

Bam!

Si, don't tear this truck
up. I just bought it, all right?

Oh, I may dent it, you know.

- It's a deuce and half...
- Si!

It's meant to
have a dent or two.

- No, it's not.
- Hey.

Y'all need to get back to
work. Just get it loaded up.

So you're going dove
hunting tomorrow?

No, I ain't going dove hunting!

I gotta use that truck
for something tomorrow.

Hey. What you cooking?

I am making your
mom's famous cupcakes.

But not for y'all.

You in for dove season
tomorrow? It's opening day.

I have Rebecca's
shower, I can't do that.

Why would you plan that on
opening day of dove season?

It's opening day.

Babe, you need to tell me
more than one day in advance.

You gotta give more than
one day of advance, dude.

Thank you, Jep.

The opening day of dove season

has never moved.

It's the first Saturday
of September.

- She's busy being a mom.
- That's right.

Whose side are you on here?

You would think

that everybody would be jumping
up and down waiting for this day.

I'm right in the middle of
writing a song, so I'm out.

What could you
possibly come up with

that's more important than the
opening day of dove season?

I mean, I've been writin'
a lot of short stories lately

and I'm kind of
on a roll right now.

Short stories.

I can't find one single person who
will go participate in getting the doves!

Who's with me?

Girls!

Y'all don't seem to have
a whole lot going on,

so I wanted to see if y'all
wanted to go dove hunting with us.

- Eh, I think we'll pass.
- Yeah.

You know it's opening
day of dove season.

- I didn't know that.
- Merritt knew.

- No, I didn't.
- Well, now you do.

I think we'll pass
on the dove hunting.

Look, let me tell you something.

Part of life is
trying new things,

getting out of
your comfort zone.

You like to eat doves, right?

- No, not really.
- No.

Okay. What about lunch,
then we go dove huntin',

then we stop and get ice cream?

I'd rather go to school.

Jep, feel free to
add anything else.

Yeah, I think you're, you know,

- selling it as hard as you can here.
- Yeah.

Hey, how about I
make a deal with you?

- All right, what you got?
- If we go dove hunting,

you have to take us to
the new escape place.

- Well, what is it?
- It's kind of cool.

They like put you in
this room for an hour

and you got like clues
and stuff to try to get out.

Hunting involves a lot of sittin'
and sittin' involves a lot of talkin'.

And after 38 years of being Jase's
brother, I could use some company.

You know I don't like to be
in small spaces with walls.

- It's not like a closet.
- It's like a normal room.

These girls are my last chance

to avoid a whole day of
listening to Jase say things like,

"Why are doves called doves?"

You literally just told us

to get out of our comfort
zone and try new things.

You did say that.

It's like sittin' in the sun
with a redneck Seinfeld,

who's not near as funny.

All right, it's only an hour. I
can do anything for an hour.

All right, y'all come
dove hunting with us,

and then we'll go spend
an hour locked in a room.

- Deal.
- You happy?

Oh, they told us.

Girls are good, man.

Yeah, they're real good.

- Okay!
- I'm already hot.

- It's already hot?
- Yeah.

- We just got here.
- But it's still hot.

It's only because you just
got out of the air conditioning.

I know, it's hot.

All right, well, let's
set this umbrella up,

'cause, look, I want to be
ready by 12:00 o'clock, exactly.

- We'll count it down.
- Countdown to start blasting.

All right, let's get this out.

- All right, on three.
- All right, three.

Lookie here. You ever
seen this in a dove field?

- I've never seen a dove field.
- Okay, okay.

How does this work?

I have come up with the
perfect plan to get over the heat!

A giant umbrella.

Here, we're gon'
have to get this level.

- We need a...
- Oh, God!

Sandbag.

I think this solved the heat!

- We're fixing...
- Hey! Calm down, pal.

Never seen anyone dove
hunting with a giant umbrella.

What d'you call
that? Being smart.

All right, put the net in on it.

Why won't this work?

If this actually works,
and I know it will,

the entire family will be begging
me to go dove hunting next time.

All right, don't panic.
I have a backup plan.

I say I take this umbrella,
I'll put it back in the truck,

because there's a couple kinks.

In the meantime, here.

- Are you kidding me?
- Perfect.

- What a spacious umbrella.
- It's hot,

- so I got you an umbrella.
- This is not exciting.

Where's mine?

So far, opening day of dove
huntin' is not off to a good start.

We have no umbrella, no shade,
and these girls are having no fun.

- I'm hungry.
- I brought something to eat.

- Rolls?
- Rolls!

- What are we, prisoners?
- Rolls?!

I can't blame the girls for
complaining, I'm pretty miserable too.

You should've bought chips,
dude, and, like, some candy.

Tastes like diarrhea.

Jase finds pride in dealing
with horrible conditions.

I, on the other hand,
am a sane person.

Dad, what are the
symptoms of a heat stroke?

You don't have a heat
stroke, baby, but it is hot.

The escape room is looking
better and better by the minute.

Actually, any room is
looking pretty enticing.

Okay, I have an idea.

Since we're just sitting
here in the hot sun,

why don't we just go to the
escape gaming place right now?

'Cause we're dove
hunting. That wasn't the deal.

The doves ain't flying, bro,

and it's hot, and I could use
some air conditioning, so...

All right, I'll tell you what.

If you want to go get locked
up in a room, we'll go do that,

but then we come
back, and then we hunt.

- Yes, let's do that.
- Deal.

All right, y'all wait
here. I'll bring the truck.

All right, let's start
packing up, girls.

I don't think I can stand up.

I know, my butt's already raw.

All right, folks,

welcome to Si's Official
Duck Commander Tour.

Go ahead and give your
tickets to Mountain Man there.

Everybody get on the vehicle
and make yourself comfortable.

Don't worry about buckling up,

'cause the stupid thing
don't have seatbelts.

What's all the racket about?

Hey, read the sign, son!

"Si's Official Duck
Commander Tour."

So Willie signed off on it?

Well, no, but look, he'll be
happy that I took the audacity,

'cause this is a cash cow here.

All right, are we invited?

- For $40.
- $40!

Hey, this is the first tour!

Once we get it going,
it's gon' go up to 80!

But look, since you work
for Duck Commander,

- I'll let y'all ride free.
- All right.

- Come on.
- Let's do it, I can go for free.

All right. Fire it up,
Mountain Man, let's go.

Look, Willie bought this
deuce and a half just for fun.

Okay? But look, he's got a gold
mine here and he don't even realize it.

We're talking about
moolah here, boys.

This is the famous Ice Cabin,
that I used to be co-owner of.

But me and John Luke
had difficulties, okay?

So I took my money and
reinvested it in other places.

This is seriously our first stop?
We never left the parking lot.

Look, if this tour takes
off like I think it's going to,

this whole deuce and a half may turn into
my golden goose and a half golden deuce.

Well, good, let's
get a snow cone.

Hey, no snow cones. We're
gonna go to the next stop.

It's right there!

- Ain't nobody got time for that.
- I want a snow cone!

Fire it up, Mountain
Man. Let's go!

All right, here we
go! Y'all hold on!

Hey, that means sometime
today, Mountain Man.

Look, Willie's not the
financial genius I am.

I'm kind of like
a Warren Buffett.

Willie's more like
a uh, a warm buffet.

I'm telling you, hey, it's
all about the cha-ching.

- Oh, jeez!
- Hold on!

I want a snow cone!

Welcome to Southern Escape!

Have you guys ever played
an escape room before?

- No.
- No? Okay.

So the theme is, you have
hiked to the top of a mountain.

You get lost and you see a
cabin that has some lights on,

and you go in and the
door slams shut behind you,

so you have 60 minutes
before the guy comes back,

and you have to find
all these clues to get out.

What happens if we don't get
out and the man comes back?

- You're dead.
- Yeah, you die.

- What?
- Okay,

I think you're looking
a little too far into it.

The story's flawed from the
start, 'cause I wouldn't get lost.

We actually did
get lost in Utah.

- We weren't lost. I knew...
- Yes, we were!

I knew what state I was in.

I really like our chances
of escaping this room,

mostly because my survival
skills are second to none.

All right, so you guys give me your
phones, and I will put it in this drawer.

- So what kind of weapons would we...
- You don't really need any weapons.

- Oh, I always have a weapon.
- Yeah.

I can literally survive in any
environment with just a knife.

Once I leave
civilization, I'm armed.

All right, so if you guys
actually have any weapons,

I will take them.

Okay?

Even without a knife, I can
literally survive in any environment.

'Cause that's
what we're down to.

So once you guys get out,
you get your picture taken

and you get to get
on our wall of fame.

- Heh.
- Okay,

so if you guys are ready to
go play, you can follow me.

- All right.
- Okay.

This is it, girls.
Say your prayers.

Good luck, y'all! Have fun!

- We're gonna win.
- Okay.

You can go ahead and take
the picture now, if you want to.

- Sure!
- Jep!

- Good luck!
- Jep!

- One, two, three, four, five.
- No, look, look, hold on.

- Ah!
- It's a duck call here.

- Can this move?
- No, you can't move furniture.

Well, how am I gonna
test the duck call?

Don't!

Normally, Jase would
take charge in this situation.

But when you have trouble
setting up an umbrella,

you lose all credibility.

Listen to me. Hey!

Hey.

Listen to me.
You're not listenin'.

Mia, this duck call doesn't
have any reeds in it.

So?

If there's anything me
and the girls learned

being with Jase
out in the dove field,

he's not the best
problem-solver.

That's a clue right there.

- It says "Want to get out..."
- "Want to get out?

Let's see you try."

But see, underlined
is "out" and "let's."

Let me think.

- Oh, there's...
- Outlets!

- Let me think.
- There's an outlet!

- What?
- I got a key, bro!

Now I want to pull
apart all these outlets,

but I don't know if
that's a good idea.

It's pretty obvious I'm the
only capable adult in our party.

- What's this?
- Oh, there's a hand!

- Eeh! Nice.
- Gimme five!

No, don' t...

What kind of sick mind
dreams up these things?

Hey, look here, this is
the best spot on the tour.

- Right here?
- Right here!

- This spot?
- Yeah, this spot.

- Si.
- Yeah?

It's a warehouse.

Well, hey, back then, all of this was
woods and a big cypress lake, all right?

Fascinating.

- And we came here for this?
- Yeah.

Well, hey, this is history!

- I seen a rougarou here.
- What's a rougarou?

Well, it's half wolverine,

half alligator, half antelope,

half jackrabbit, half wolf,

you know, half werewolf.

- That's a lot of halves.
- He's a mixture!

All this talk makin' me hungry.

I'm glad you brought that up,
because guess where the next stop is?

- Where?
- Tokyo.

Tokyo?

I was a hibachi chef, okay?
So that's where we're goin' next.

- Oh, great.
- I'm in.

All right, fire this puppy
up, Mountain Man!

- Let's go!
- Why did we get in here?

Look, hey, a lot of people say, "Well,
this don't seem that interesting to me."

- Here we are!
- Whoo!

I thought they'd be
all fired up, but no,

they get to grumblin'
and mumblin' on me here.

Tokyo Japanese
Seafood and Steak House!

It says sushi.

Let's just get it over with.

I'm providing them with
excellent services, okay?

And look, these dumb-dumbs
should recognize that.

- Well, let's eat.
- All right!

- Hold it! Hold it!
- Huh?

- Meal ain't included in the ticket.
- What a gyp!

This is a sightseeing
tour, okay?

Not a sight-eating tour.

Look, you got about five
minutes to order something.

You can't get water
in five minutes!

You can't get out of
this truck in five minutes.

Y'all got an attitude problem.

Look, if you want a tour with a
meal, go take a tour with Willie,

'cause, look, you can feed a family
of four from the crumbs in his beard!

And, hey, pretty good food too.

We don't get to eat?

You had five minutes.
You done wasted it.

- I've been kidnapped.
- You ain't been kidnapped!

These people need
their money back.

- Yeah.
- Hey!

You're hung up on that ripoff.

- Nobody got ripped off here!
- I want a refund!

- Except for these people.
- They want a refund!

No, look, we got a
strict policy: no refunds.

Well, look, take me back to
Duck Commander. Let's go.

- No, we got one more stop.
- What?

Yeah, we got one more stop.
This is the next to the last stop.

- Where are we going?
- We're going to Willie's ranch.

- You gon' get us all fired.
- No, ain't nobody gon' get fired.

- I wouldn't go...
- Ain't nobody get no refund.

And nobody did get ripped off.

- And we didn't get to eat either!
- All right, driver, hey!

Crank this thing up and
get us to Willie's ranch.

- Willie's ranch it is!
- Oh!

There you go. Here we go!

- There we go!
- Now head on out of here, let's go!

This is the worst tour ever.

Welcome to the famous
Robertson ranch, folks, okay,

on the Official Duck
Commander Tour.

And look, we're in luck, folks!
Willie's out here mowing today!

Okay, Mountain Man, get
this thing turned around, son.

Crank it up, let's
get out of here.

This gon' be good here.

- Uh-oh.
- Is he coming to talk to us?

I don't know if he's
coming to talk to us.

- Willie!
- Si, what are you doing?

I'm doing the Official
Duck Commander Tour.

Si, there's not a... Official
Duck Commander Tour.

Read the sign, buddy.

Si, I thought you
were going huntin'!

That was an assumption
on your part there, sir.

You were supposed
to bring me doves.

We gon' get the doves worked
out, don't worry about that.

Si...

All right, folks, look. Hey!

For an extra five bucks, you can
take a picture of Willie right now.

Si, can I see you one
second just down here?

Sure! I'll be right down.

In life, there are good
surprises and bad surprises.

In my life, the worst kind of
surprises are Si's surprises.

Have you lost your mind, bringing
people out here to my private farm?

You're famous, bro!

Hey! That'll be $10!

You have to give Si
points for creativity,

then take away those
points for stupidity.

Si, they don't even
have seatbelts on.

I didn't even
charge them for that!

You brought up a good point.
I might charge them for that.

I guess I should consider myself
lucky he didn't drive into a lake

or cover it in balloons
to make a blimp.

Si, this tour is over.

Mountain Man, you need
to drive these people back

as quick as you can
to the office, very safely.

I would, Willie, but we didn't
put fuel in the budget for the tour.

Hey, look, you got
any gas around here?

I'll throw in 12 extra doves, okay, if
we can get some gas for the truck.

No, I don't have any extra fuel.

Well, would you drive them
back to Duck Commander?

All right. God!

All right, folks, a treat!

You're gon' actually get to
take Willie's personal truck, okay,

back to Duck Commander, and
he's gon' be your chauffeur for the day.

- All right!
- Awesome!

For a nominal fee
of only $5 more.

Si, quit charging
them for stuff!

Si's tea jug for $10!

Hey, watch it! That tea
jug ain't for sale, buddy!

We're running out of time.

Look, 25 minutes.

Try 5-3-7-4, Daddy. Try it.

- All right, I'm trying.
- 3-4-5-7, try that one.

- Well, which one?
- 3-4-5-7.

- 5-3-7...
- Oh, yeah, got it! Got it!

- Daddy, I told you! Yes!
- Got it!

Look what I got.

There's a key, now we're going.

- I got the key.
- Put the key, put the key!

Hey, look what I got!

- It might be a snake in there.
- Jep, look what I got!

- A mirror!
- A mirror?

What the heck?

I got a pipe!

I don't do well in confined
spaces for long periods of time.

Hello, Jep!

And for that reason, the
longer I'm stuck in here,

the more I feel
like I'm losing it.

Being cooped up has
never helped anyone.

We got two minutes left, guys.

- Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
- I don't know. What are you thinking?

Look, when you're
outside, you got options.

When you're trapped
inside, you have no options!

Except to go outside.

- All right.
- We're out!

We're out, girls!

Which is where the doves are.

I wonder if we're gonna
get our picture on the wall.

Your dad got a little impulsive,
but that is an important lesson.

If a guy's after
you at a cabin...

Free! We're free!

- Did we get our picture on the wall?
- Yep, we're good!

- You got our picture on there?
- Well, it was kind of just of me.

- How much did that door cost you?
- Hundred bucks.

Think they're gonna let
you come back again?

That's what I thought. We all
learned something today, kids.

Yeah, we learned something.

All right, y'all ready
to go dove hunting?

We're fixed to smoke them!

I'm proud of you, Dad. You
broke out of your comfort zone.

All right, let's pray.

Father, we're so thankful
to be in Your presence.

So, we thank
You for this family.

We're thankful for our
business, our opportunities.

Thank you for Your
grace that You've given us.

Help us to be bright
lights in the world.

We just pray that You be
with the rest of our family

and thank You so
much for this food.

- Through Jesus we pray, amen.
- Amen!

When you're a Robertson,

you come to expect the unexpected
from your family members,

so it's not a surprise when your uncle
asks to borrow your truck for hunting,

and then shows up at your
ranch with a bunch of tourists.

With this group, you accept that
everyone's hearts are it the right place,

even when it seems like
they're always trying to prove

that rules or doors
are meant to be broken,

and, in Si's case, some
very serious travel costs.

Jase, what's this
charge of $100 for?

Uh, freedom?