Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 11, Episode 8 - Fishful Thinking - full transcript

Did y'all know that Tom Selleck
was supposed to be Indiana Jones?

- Really?
- Originally, yep.

That means he would
have to be Magnum P.I. then,

- Harrison Ford.
- No.

- Yeah.
- Doesn't mean that.

I bet that mustache would have
gotten in the way of that whip.

- Oh, yeah.
- I mean if he... Oh!

- Talkin' bout hurt, oh!
- Ouch!

Well, it's about
time you got to work.

- See that?
- Yeah, what about it?

That's where the winning bass
will come from for the tournament.



What tournament?

The Duck Commander
Tournament, Si. You didn't...?

- Well, I didn't know about it!
- The last to know.

There's a bass tournament.
Duck Commander is sponsoring it.

Ha!

I've been telling
Willie for years

that we need to have our
own fishing tournament.

Every bass you catch,
you take a picture.

It must be the
longest bass to win.

They dock the
photos all the time!

They make you take a lie
detector test after the tournament.

Well, that will be
a piece of cake!

Huh?

Lie detectors are pretty standard
when it comes to fishing tournaments.



I took some of them. Boy, you feel
like you done done something wrong!

Oh, I know!

In fact, we should have lie
detector tests in all sporting events.

Them lie detector tests,
they'll make you sweat!

- But you always sweat.
- That's gross!

You get Tom Brady
and you sit him down.

"Did you deflate the football?"

That's way better than any
halftime show I've ever seen.

All right, it's three man teams.
Who wants to be on Team Jase?

I'll be on your team, and
look, I'll be you secret weapon!

Because, hey, I've fished
that lake my entire life

and I know exactly
where Big Lester is!

- I just need two more men to...
- Oh, no.

When I said "Big Lester," you didn't
understand what I'm talking about.

- Oh, boy.
- Okay?

This is a small whale, okay?

- Si.
- He's not really a fish.

Look, I'm not one
to embellish, okay?

When I say I hooked a bass the size
of a whale, I meant every word of it!

He weighed at least 15...

Si, there's not a 15
lbs. Bass out there!

Hold on, yes there is, and look.
He'll probably weigh 20 now!

Look, he may have been a little smaller
than your standard adult orca whale.

But, hey, the last
time I checked,

a baby whale is a whale.

- What was his name again?
- Lester.

- Why Lester?
- Why not?

Oh, you cleared that up for me.

Hey, now that I think about it,

the name "Lester" doesn't
do his enormous size justice.

So maybe I'll just
name him Willie.

We catch him, we win the
tournament, guaranteed.

And basically, at this
point, this is your only option

'cause we already have a team.

Whose team are y'all on?

- Us.
- We are the team.

We are the team.

When did y'all
form this alliance?

The other day, when
we were eating lunch.

- Why? But...
- Where was I?

- And where was I?
- Not eating fish tacos.

- They're delicious!
- All right.

- Si, you're with me!
- All right, there you go.

There are those who fish
and there are those who catch.

- We catch.
- We'll see.

Hey, wait a minute.

He could have been Quigley
Down Under, Harrison Ford.

I don't think you're
getting how that works.

Whose rod is this?

- This ain't mine!
- Oh, it's my pole!

- Hey, don't be touching my stuff!
- Hey, don't touch my pole, son!

Well, hey, move that
crap out of the way!

What's up, girls? Y'all ready?

- What's going on?
- What's up?

Hey! I recognize this
man if I knew him myself!

Good to see you,
buddy, good to see you.

Bill, Si Roberts,
pleasure to meet you.

Good to see you, Si.
How are you, buddy?

He is the official celebrity grand
marshal of the bass tournament.

- Awesome!
- There you go.

It's pretty cool that we have Bill Dance
as a guest at our bass tournament.

We've all been big fans of his fishing
show for as long as I can remember.

Can you sign my hat?

C'mon, John, act like
you've been here, son!

I actually got his autograph
when I was like 14.

Yeah, he's one of the greatest!

Although some of us
may be too big of fans.

Boys, let me tell y'all, I almost made
a boo-boo a while ago, a bad one.

Uh-oh!

I took a look at Willie.
He looked just like Phil.

With all that gray, it look like
he fell over in a snow bank.

It's not that gray.

And then he turned, and I could
see all that pudginess right here.

Oh, yeah!

And then he turned back around,

and I said, "No,
no, that's Willie!"

Willie, you got more
salt than pepper.

And then he turned and
I said, "No, that's Phil!"

Okay! So let's...

Hey, what we're gonna do from
now on, we're gonna call you Phillie.

Phillie! Hey!

So anyway, Mr. Dance is
here, noticing a lot of things,

but his eyesight is not
what it used to be, obviously.

But I wanted to bring him in
as a treat to the tournament.

- Oh, well, thank for coming!
- Thanks for coming!

Yep, yep, we appreciate it!

It's great to be here,
boys, it really is.

Hey, you need to find out on the
fisher rules, says we're short a man.

We only got but two.

- I can be your man!
- No!

That's it! No, we
need a partner!

Him?!

- Why can't I be you man?!
- That's not fair.

- Wait a minute!
- Mr. Bill is a legendary fisherman.

- Yeah.
- That is not fair.

- That don't mean nothing!
- That's not fair!

I haven't fished a
tournament since 1980.

- Yeah, but...
- Well, if he wants to fish, he can fish,

- so if they're a man short...
- There you go.

- I strongly object!
- Objected!

Overruled!

I got a huge trophy, which I don't know
how you gonna split three different ways.

- Where's that?
- Yeah, where's the trophy?

It's actually sitting at my
house. I totally forgot it.

- You didn't bring the trophy?
- Okay, I got to go get the trophy.

How can we have a tournament?

I'll bring the trophy.
The trophy will be here.

You can't have a
tournament without a trophy.

There is a trophy. It's just not at
this location, but there is a trophy.

I'm gonna go get it.

Y'all get started. I'm
gonna go get the trophy.

- I'll be back.
- Okay, buddy.

- I got to go get my rod.
- No fair! No fair!

We went from the underdogs

- to the lead dogs!
- That's right.

We went from the outhouse
to the penthouse, Jack!

Hmm...

Bella, have you
finished your book?

Nope.

I never finish one summer read.

Okay, you don't even need to tell them
that, because that's not gonna happen.

I got a 65 on all of them and
you're gonna struggle the whole year.

There you go, see? Consequences.

- I did finish one, The Wizard of Oz.
- Good job!

What?! Is it already over?

- No, I forgot the trophy.
- Oh.

I saw it in the man cave.

How's it going?

- Do I look any different?
- No.

Little sweaty.

Do I look like Papaw Phil?

Well, I mean...

- Kind of.
- The beard.

Kind of, you have...

When you say the
beard, what do you mean?

You have a lot
of gray in it now.

- More than usual?
- It's kind of worse.

It's gray, but, I
mean, it looks good.

Bill Dance said I
look like Papaw Phil.

He thought I was Papaw Phil.

No!

You don't look as
old as Papaw Phil.

- That's dramatic.
- Well...

No!

He had on like polarized glasses.
I thought that made me a little...

Yeah, you don't look like Phil.

You're getting close.

Definitely a little
salt and pepper.

More salt.

What? No! More pepper.

Ratio to salt and pepper.

70 salt, 50 pepper.

What?

Yeah, 70-50.

There's a lot of things
to like about getting older,

like wisdom, discounted meals,

and young people standing
up so you can sit down.

You do not look like Papaw Phil.

- Yeah, he's taller.
- And skinnier.

His hands are bigger too.

- That's true.
- Then there's that.

But it would be nice if aging

didn't involve looking older.

But it looks good on you, I like it. It
makes you look wise and distinguished.

- I'm in my forties!
- You can be wise in your forties!

Instead of going gray,

can I just get a hat
or a button that says

"Hey, I'm getting older!
Show me some respect!"?

I think we should dye it!

- Yeah, let's dye it.
- It's not hard at all.

You just got to like
put a little hint of it,

maybe leave a little tiny
bit of gray peaking through,

and people won't even notice.

If y'all think a little less salt may
make me look less like my father...

- Yeah.
- How long does it take though?

- I got to get back to the tournament.
- It's fast, it's fast.

All right, y'all get started.
I'm gonna go get the trophy.

All right.

Maybe 80-40.

- Let's do this!
- Oh, here we go.

Oh, I just missed one!

Jase, I know this
is your favorite spot.

But, look, you need to
use that little troller motor

and let's go up there a
little bit in the open water.

But I'm telling
you, this is the spot.

- I've caught a lot of fish here.
- No.

I almost caught that one.

Hey, that thing was
six inches long, Jase.

- So what?
- Hey.

This tournament is all
about the longest bass.

And I'm telling you, old
Mr. Lester? He fits the bill, boys!

- How big would you say he is?
- Fifteen plus.

- Are you serious?!
- Oh, I'm serious.

There's not a 15 lbs...

He weighed 15 then, he's
all the way 20 now, Jase!

Oh my gosh!

And look, okay? That's
called winning the tournament.

Look at that confidence!

He's getting me fired up, man. You
can't pay no attention to what he says.

I've gotten huge bass!

Okay? Look, he comes swimming by

like a whale
coming up to get air.

- Really?!
- No!

- He just... you got to get used...
- No?!

Were you there?

- No, I wasn't there!
- Well, hey, then...

- Si...
- You were, though, weren't you?

I was there! You ain't
got a leg to stand on!

I am fishing with the
legend of bass fishing.

- Which is awesome.
- What happened?

After two and a half
hours of fighting, he got off.

The big heffer just wore
me out, I couldn't handle it.

He was hung on the dock.

This is like having Michael
Jordan on your rec-basketball team.

I get so interested in what
you're saying, I quit fishing!

But he doesn't play!

He sits around and
talks with the coaches.

Did you ever fish
professionally?

Nope. I should have.
I should have, but I-

He's a professional
storyteller, that's what he is.

Come back here.

When you're in a fishing
tournament, it's time to fish, not talk.

- We'll take a vote.
- All right, take a vote.

All right, I say we
go to the sweet hole.

All right, I'll agree with him.

That's two to one!
You lose, Jase!

All right.

All right, let's go to
the sweet hole, boys.

We're going after Lester.

I'm telling you, we messing up.

There we go!

Hyah!

There it is!

Lester, where you at, son?

C'mon, Lester! We're
looking for you, buddy!

What do you think? You
wanna move to that pocket?

- Have a little faith, guys!
- I believe in you!

Jase, I'm telling you,
this is where Lester's at.

And look, we don't
need but one bite: Him.

This is Lesterville right here.

You doing way too much
talking and not enough fishing!

When you come in empty-handed

after a full day of fishing
alongside Bill Dance,

that kind of takes losing
to a whole new low.

Look, Bill, hey.
Worst day I ever had,

I hooked into a big crappie, and
he was so big, he broke two ribs.

- Your ribs or his ribs?
- My ribs!

What?

There's a time to talk
and there's a time to fish.

I'm gonna have
to take this team,

put them on my back,
and lead us to victory.

Pull him in, pull him in!

Oh, he got a monster, boys!

- Look at the size of that killer!
- Mount that fish.

Take a picture of that!

I should have known

that teaming up with Bill
Dance in a fishing tournament

was just too good to be true.

Kind of like the
legend of Lester.

Hey, man, I'll tell you what,

I'm having so much fun listening
to him and all his great stories.

Yeah, well, the problem is...

Let's just fish, I'm
having a great time.

I want to win this thing.

Look at him! He's so
competitive! Keep it going.

Look, I mean, I'm
trying to win this thing!

Oh!

Well, how 'bout it, Team Jase?

- Well...
- There any bite?

Oh, they're biting!

- No, they ain't biting.
- Oh, yeah, they're biting.

- Jase, check your phone.
- Check your email.

Why?

Got a few pictures you
might want to check out.

Yeah.

Wrong hole, fool.

Yep.

Where'd y'all catch him?

- In the mouth.
- Sick burn.

All right, smart aleck,
and with a hook?

- Yup.
- Yeah, uh-huh. Okay.

Kind of embarrassing.

We have the world's greatest
bass fisherman with us,

and we haven't
caught a fish yet.

- Hey, check this out, boys!
- Si, that's my line.

Bill, I'm sorry you
ended up on that team.

- Yep.
- We ain't lost yet.

We fix to leave this hole and
we're gonna go catch a fish.

You got a lot of catch
up to do, hombre.

I guess we'll go with that old
saying, "Don't call it a comeback."

Hey! Hey! Hey! Thank you
for driving through our hole.

Hey, we beat Bill Dance.

- It ain't over!
- Oh, it's over.

It's not over!

All right, can we go
go catch some fish

or are we just to gonna sit
around here and tell stories?

We're going for the gold here!

Sic 'em, boy! Get out there!

Lester, you doggone turkey!

All right, the key to this
is having the right color.

This one says "rich
walnut," that might be.

- That actually might be right.
- Like the one... what do you have?

"Toasted hazelnut."

That's possible.

It's making me hungry.

"Rich dark brown."

- Maybe.
- Maybe.

I don't know, that's kind
of, like, more medium brown.

This one says "rich walnut."

Like, that's hazelnut,
but this is dark brown.

Look, look up under the beard.

- Look how dark that is.
- Yeah.

Midnight black... Probably
not midnight black.

Not midnight black.
Put that away, that's out.

I just want it to be subtle.

It's a good thing Korie and Sadie
are here to help me dye my beard

before I get back to
that fishing tournament.

They both have an
eye for this sort of thing.

I think it's between
hazelnut or walnut.

Walnuts are darker, right?

What color is a
hazelnut? I don't know.

- I think it's like light brown.
- A caramel.

Yeah.

Okay, so nut varieties
aren't their strong suit.

Good think we're
not making trail mix.

All right, let's hurry up. I'm gonna
miss the whole bass tournament.

- Okay, rich walnut?
- Let's do that.

Let's do it. You
got it, I'll get this.

- Too dark.
- We can do it.

As long as it's called walnut brown
and not Anderson Cooper gray,

I think we'll be in good shape.

Okay, so...

It was not exactly walnut.

Okay, it looks a lot different?

I mean...

Oh...

Does it look so
natural no one can tell?

- Eh...
- It's okay!

- No.
- Looks nice.

I don't know, it seems like
she kind of overdid it, but...

Let's not put all
the blame on me.

It's more espresso
than walnut, but...

- I say gunpowder.
- Gunpowder?

Do I look like Papaw Phil?

- No, you don't look like Papaw Phil.
- You don't look like Papaw Phil!

- Nope.
- The gray is gone!

You accomplished your goal.

No, but I don't wanna look
like old Black Beard McGee.

I mean, it's a
little late for that.

I was hoping that this dye
job would look more natural.

It looks like my beard
is headed to a funeral.

I don't look stupid, do I?

Well...

The best course of action

may be just to scarf down some
powdered donuts on the way.

For my beard, not
because they're delicious.

It's probably the cape
that's throwing it off,

- with that black cape.
- Yeah, it kind of blends in.

- Lose the cape.
- Yeah.

- Much better.
- Yeah!

That looks better.

- Looks good.
- That looks a lot better.

Or actually both. When they are
delicious and it would make me...

- Looks good.
- All right, well, I got to go.

All right, don't
forget the trophy.

I'm gonna see how
much dye I can wash out.

- Walk proud, Dad, walk proud.
- Looks good.

Thank you, I think.

Looking good!
Whoo! That's my man!

Yep.

- That was a little black.
- Yeah.

Tell me about that time you rode
that gator, on the back of that gator.

Did you have a rope on him?

No, look, I had the glass
of iced tea in one hand,

- and a whip in the other.
- And just rode him.

No, a gator won't go anywhere
unless you got the whip in your hand.

- Passed with flying colors.
- What are you talking about?

- We all won.
- We won!

The winners!

Congratulations, y'all beat us.

- Well, thank you!
- My arm's sore so...

Oh, hush!

Have y'all heard the story
about the 12 ft. gator?!

Oh, yeah.

The man rode it holding a glass
of tea and a rope in his hand.

Yep.

This man is talented.

He ran so fast one time,
his shoes caught on fire.

Did he tell you that one?

- I ain't heard that one.
- Oh, I've heard it.

Yeah, we've heard them all, Si.

If they were only true.

- They're true.
- They are true!

- There he is!
- Where you been?

Huh?

Who won the fight between
you and the ink pad?

- Uh-oh.
- Yeah.

- All right, Si...
- Hey, I'm telling you.

Did you try to go down
the chimney beard first?

I just came up with it.

"Just for Willie"
worked for you.

I figured he was cooking pizzas
again and all that soot got on him.

Look like he been
in a fight with a squid.

Phil said he always
wanted a coal mining son.

I want my trophy.

- Who won?
- We did!

Who do you think?

- Are you kidding?
- They beat us.

How do you lose with
Bill Dance on your team?

Cause we had Si!

Let me tell you why you won it:
'Cause we couldn't find Lester.

- Right?
- Uh-oh.

Y'all passed the
lie-detector test?

- Oh, we passed.
- We passed.

Look, how long do
you got this guy for?

The lie detector
guy? I got him all day.

Bill believes the stories.

Why don't we put Si
on the lie detector test

and then that will tell
you all you need to know?

That's right, we'll settle this
argument once and for all!

- I'm in.
- And all of y'all

- are gonna owe me an apology!
- You'll do it?

- Yeah!
- Hook him up!

All right, let's take this
back to the warehouse.

Si, you gonna fail this test!

Hey, you're on, buddy.

You plan on telling
the truth today?

The truth, nothing
but the truth.

And the whole truth
will set you free.

Anyone want to
ask him a question?

Did you wrestle a
Bengal tiger in Vietnam?

That would be no. I rode
him through the jungle.

- Is that true?
- No, that's not true.

What?

Did someone steal your tires
while the vehicle was moving?

That would be affirmative.

Is that true?

Not hardly.

What? What?!

Look, I don't understand why
everybody's so quick to trust

this stupid lie detector, okay?

Machines mess up all the time.

Have you had your radio stole
so fast that it left the music?

Have you seen a black
panther in the woods?

Are you a better
driver than I am?

Just the other day, I used my
popcorn button on the microwave?

Look, it burnt the
whole darn bag!

That will be yes. Yes.

The answer is yes!

That's about a big a lie
as I seen in a long time.

What?!

How much have they paid you?

Did I hit the overcook button?

That would be a no!

Is there a 15 lbs.
Bass in Caesar Lake?

Yes.

Survey says?

It looks true.

Oh!

I'm shocked.

Why did it turn my Orville
Redenbacher into Orville Reden-blacker?

Think about that!

All right, well, this proves that
some of what you said was true,

but a lot of it wasn't.

Tall tales like that, you
know, I love fishing tales.

I've got a lot of
fishing tales too.

- It is part of fishing.
- It's part of fishing, sure it is!

I'll leave y'all with
these words of wisdom.

- Okay.
- Oh, God...

This machine is not
flawless, okay? I am.

It's not shocking...

Best two out of three!

You can't do two out of three!

Did I ever tell you about the
time I got struck by lightning?

- No.
- Oh, no.

Look, and I can always
talk to horses after that.

That looks true.

Yeah, I know.

All right, let's pray.

Father, we're so
thankful for this day.

Thank you for the fish in the
water and the birds in the air.

We're just thankful for You
for creating them and us.

- Amen!
- Amen!

Let's get on that
jambalaya! There we go!

The biggest constant in
life is how unpredictable it is.

Take, for instance, dying
your hair a certain color,

only to have it end
up 12 shades darker,

or getting hosed in
a fishing tournament,

despite the help of a
legendary fisherman.

But when we focus on
how it doesn't turn out well,

we lose track of how it does,

like being in the
presence of greatness,

or your family doing everything it
can to make you feel young again.

- Hey, Jep, where's the trophy?
- Uh... Yeah, about that.

Okay, guys, let's get
in a little bit closer.

The winning team.

There we go. Look here...

Cool, there. A little bit more, little
bit more towards you. There you go...

- Oh my gosh!
- Dat gummit!

- Get it, get it, get it, get it!
- I can't, dude.

- It's gone.
- That's our trophy.

- Oh!
- It doesn't float.

- Okay. Let's go.
- He gone.

Hands out like this, guys.

- We got one picture.
- We're empty handed.

I'm sorry, boys. It's gone.

- Rats!
- We won!

That's all that matters.

That was our trophy.