Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 11, Episode 10 - Carpnado - full transcript

I think you kind
of overdid it here.

Mm-hmm, that's
what I'm talkin' about.

This weighs a pound.

It's healthy, it's
got apples in it.

But I'm not tasting the apples.

Whatever the apple does for it,
I think the glaze counteracts it.

- Look at the grease.
- It ain't greasy!

- It ain't greasy?
- That's the gravy.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

Boy, it's good.

Donut day is the
ultimate motivation,



because donuts make
workers extremely happy.

- Mmm.
- Mm-hmm.

This thang is good!

It's hard to eat
this with a beard.

Who doesn't like donut day?

These are days that
everyone shows up early.

Especially Godwin.

What I can't figure out
is why Si misses this

when he's been
talking about it all week.

I mean, he did
work hard yesterday.

- Is that a joke?
- Yeah.

If he don't hurry up,
they're gon' be all gone.

- They're what?
- What'd you say?

If he don't hurry up,
they're gon' be all gone.



- Yep.
- Oh, yeah.

What else could he be doing?

Probably just
sleeping. He is old.

- Maybe he had a bathroom emergency.
- That seems likely.

- Could be a hemorrhoid attack.
- Oh! I don't wish that on nobody.

- He gets them, though.
- Yep.

- Oh, donut day.
- Get you one!

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm off the donuts.

- What?
- But it's got apples in it, it's healthy.

Keep telling
yourself that, Godwin.

- You're not gonna eat a donut?
- No, I'm not eating a donut, sorry.

- It's donut day, you got to eat one.
- I'll let Godwin eat two for me.

- Or three.
- He'll do it.

I sure will! I'll
smile while I'm at it.

- You didn't see Si back here, did you?
- No.

But he just called
and left a voicemail.

I knew he was up! 'Cause I
thought, how could you miss this?

Hey, Jep, this is Si.

You know, your
Uncle Si. Si Robertson.

I'm gon' be late to work today
because I just hit the jackpot fishing.

I'm out at La Fausse Canal,

and hey, these suckers are
literally jumping in the boat with me.

Later, dummy!

Gosh darn it, how do
you turn this thing off?

He's still talking.

God, no, that wasn't it.
Where's this stupid button?

I just can't believe he went
fishing and he didn't call me.

I can't believe he went
fishing on donut day.

- If he's catchin' them, they bitin'.
- He said they were jumping in the boat.

Well, he's in La Fausse Canal.
There ain't but one fish left in there.

- It's them stupid Asian carp.
- That's what it is!

Them things don't need
to get started down here.

Somebody said they
come in and take over.

- All the other fish leave.
- Yeah, they do.

It won't be long, they'll take over
everything we got around here.

Yeah, a buddy of mine was going
50 miles an hour down that canal

and got KO'd.

- One jumped, bam.
- Yeah.

- I don't Si realizes that's dangerous.
- Especially for him, he brittle.

One hit him, it can
knock him out of the boat.

Cave his chest in.

But if it hit him from the other
side, it might straighten his back out.

- That's true.
- It may be a miracle.

We need to wipe them out.

- Might as well go now.
- Hey, I'm with y'all.

Let's just tell Willie
we got to go rescue Si.

Willie will be fine. Leave
the donuts as a decoy.

- Yeah, just leave em'.
- He'll never even notice we're gone.

All right, let's
get out of here.

Godwin, did you
get another donut?

- It's for Si!
- Mm-hmm.

I thought I heard it thunder
out there a while ago,

but it was my
stomach growling. God!

I feel like my beard's done grown
two inches since I've been here.

Whoa, good grief! Johnny D!

I've been waitin' here too long!

Starving over here.

- Who are all these people?
- I don't know, man.

- I didn't want to send them home, so...
- I thought we were closed today.

I thought we were technically closed,
too, but there's a million people here,

and there's me and like
one other person working.

Anything, man. My stomach, boys.

I'm here at the Duck
Diner to supervise

what was supposed to be a
family and friends only gathering

to test out new menu items.

You need to get on the phone
and get some more people here.

- Who?
- Get some...

- Get a couple of napkins.
- Is that Si?

- What is he doing here?
- I don't know what's going on.

Let me go see if I
can get him to work.

Oof!

I know I have a lot of
friends and a big family,

but I've never seen most of
these people before in my life.

- Si, what are you doing?
- I worked up an appetite fishing.

- So, is the marlin any good?
- Yes, it's good.

Look, Si...

By the way, I did tell everybody
I knew to come down here today.

Why did you tell all these people
to come here? We're not open.

You could've fooled
me! Business is boomin'!

You're welcome!
Free advertisin'.

Thanks to Si's big mouth,

apparently the only thing we're
gonna test today is my patience.

Si, I don't even know
half these people in here.

Hey, I'm telling you,
these are friends.

All these people
are your friends?

Friends of friends of
friends. It just keeps going.

- That's what friends are.
- I don't even have a staff.

I got like two people
up here working.

No wonder the service is
lacking in this joint today.

In a small town, your
reputation is important.

So there's no way I can close.

That's also the reason I can't wring
Si's neck in the middle of the restaurant.

Although, if these people know
Si, that might be more forgivable.

Bad news. I can't find
anybody else to come work.

Don't you have friends?

No, I work like 80 hours a
week. How could I have friends?

Kids are gone, let me call
Jase. Talk about a last resort.

Straight to voicemail.
He's in the woods.

- Does anybody work anymore?
- Most people don't.

- Jase doesn't work.
- Hey, I'm waiting on a sandwich.

- Si doesn't work.
- I can't work on an empty stomach.

All right, I need you to
actually wait tables, all right?

It's the least you can do, 'cause
half these people you invited.

- I don't know who they are.
- A restaurant is dangerous.

I need to get hazardous pay.

I could trip, I could get burnt or you
could even get stabbed with a fork!

I'm not paying you hazardous...
That's not even a term.

- What are you talking about?
- How about this?

- What?
- If you get any tips... people tip big.

- Oh!
- So if you get any tips,

- you get to keep your tips.
- That's a deal. I'll do it for that.

After you give me a sandwich to
eat, 'cause I'm starving to death.

Make him a sandwich. God!

Man, I'm about to
starve! Good night!

All right, guys, here you go.

That's, uh... that's a
chicken sandwich, I think,

and that's a meatloaf
sandwich, so enjoy.

Si, I need help, let's go.

Well, hold it. I ain't
finished my sandwich yet.

- Let's go.
- What?

I'm waiting on you! I can't
run this whole thing by myself.

Let me finish my
food, good grief!

How long does it take one
person to eat a sandwich?

Ah...

Can you take orders?

I'm married, of course
I can take orders.

Perfect.

Change clothes, and then...
Those people right over there?

You take care of their order.
Just write down what they say.

- That table, the far one?
- Yes.

Wash your hands, too!

- What you trying to say?
- That you're dirty and old.

No, I ain't old.

And y'all need food,
and y'all need food, and...

- Rocker, what's up?
- Hey, what's up, Willie?

- You're the man I actually need to see.
- Really?

We are short workers and
I need you to help me out.

- Like right now?
- Sadly, right now.

I'm on a date right now.

Hi.

That's cool. Hello.

All right, look, if
you help me out,

I'll pay you double what John Luke
pays you at the Ice Cabin for your day.

- Double?
- Double.

- Double?
- Double.

- For the day?
- Yeah, double for the hour.

- Double?
- Double, per hour.

You in?

Yeah, I'll be there.

Sweet! All right, I'm
gon' get you a shirt.

Okay.

As quick as you
can, like, don't eat.

I'll take you
somewhere way nicer.

Here's the game plan.

If anybody gets impaled,
just holler out, "Man down!"

What if you can't holler
out 'cause you're impaled?

I'd say just get comfortable,

because by the time
we get you to a doctor,

you gon' be dead anyway.

If he jumps in here,
I'm gon', backhand him.

- How 'bout that?
- Good thinking.

- That was pretty good, wasn't it?
- Yeah.

We catch as many as possible.

Then we got to figure out
how we're gon' eat them.

I heard these things
weren't no good to eat.

I'm just going by the rules.

The only way you gon' get rid of
them is if you figure out how to eat them!

If you can't beat 'em,
eat 'em, that's what I say.

- That's a weird saying.
- Are y'all ready?

- I'm ready, let's do this.
- Let's go to war.

These carp are taking over
the territory of our waterways.

What we're gonna do

is to go in and
say, "It ends here."

- Oh, right there!
- Oh!

That was giant!

- There's one right there.
- Things look like dolphins.

- Look at that sucker jumpin' up there!
- Oh, my goodness.

Look at that! Oh, I want him!

- Dat gummit!
- Oh! Right there!

Golly!

- There they are.
- Oh, they comin' now.

- Oh, look at 'em!
- Whoa!

- Uh-oh - Uh-oh.

- Whoa!
- Get em', Martin.

Oh!

Oh, come on!

These fish are
actually dangerous.

You're riding in a
boat and they're like...

They become launched missiles.

- There we go.
- We're on the board!

- Very good!
- Let's get that!

- There we go!
- Get in there!

When you jump out of the
water, you're now in my realm.

- Get 'im! Get 'im!
- I got him!

- Whoa! Whoa!
- We got him!

Yeah!

Oh, yeah!

- Oh!
- Good grief!

There comes a time when
men have to rise up and say,

"We're at the top
of the food chain."

Which is really
what this is all about.

We got a pretty
good little pile of them.

- That's what I'm talkin' about.
- It's actually pretty fun!

- I know.
- Hey, quiet down in there.

Good grief, them suckers stink!

- Yeah.
- Yep.

There's no way
I'd eat that thing.

Just think, if this
turns out to be caviar,

we could all retire
in six months.

All right, so fried shrimp po'
boy and a Cajun sunset burger.

Cajun sunrise burger, I'll
have that in just a second.

I don't have the
shrimp yet, so...

All right, where we at on
the hot wings for table 7?

- Hot wings, table 7.
- All right.

- Got that.
- It's cold.

Shoot! All right, I'll
heat those back up.

Just go back out and tell
them it'll just be a second more.

And tell them some more stories.

Well, you know it's not
you that they get mad at.

- Right.
- They get mad at me.

I understand that. If they don't
tip you, I'll give you a tip, okay?

It's not about the money,
it's about my reputation.

My face is on the
restaurant, okay? I get it.

All right, one Monte
Cristo sandwich

with meatloaf bread,
double cheesecake.

Si, we don't even
serve a Monte Cristo.

You told them we're
trying new menu items,

- that's a new menu item.
- We don't even have this stuff!

Hey, that's what they ordered!

You can't take orders if
we don't have the food.

I don't have that food!

Hey, the customer's
always right.

You need to come back here and
cook. Let me go take the orders.

I got two burgers on,
there's an order right here.

I need those hot wings hot,
okay? Put a hairnet thing on!

You can't just
make up food things!

Hey, how do you make a
Monte Cristo sandwich?!

Never mind, I'll figure it out.

Good grief, he done burnt
these burgers up, boys.

- Whew! Little musty.
- Oh, you wanna talk about nasty.

- That's rough.
- It's bad. My nose is itchin'.

Who knows? This could be
some kind of weird cologne.

The flies ain't even
landing on these things.

- I take that as a positive.
- No flies? That's good.

No, I take that as a negative.

That means even the smallest
of critters won't even eat this thing.

- Why in the world are we trying to?
- True.

- What is that smell?!
- Dinner.

That would be the only fish in our
waterways that I have not tried to eat.

It's this... this
boy right here.

Asian carp.

I thought that was trash fish.

And it's in a trash can,
for goodness' sakes.

- True.
- You got a point.

How do you know something's
trashy if you've never tried it?

'Cause people
tell you it's trashy.

We need to try to see if
we can make this edible.

If you can't beat em', eat em'!

Yeah, it sounds like
something Phil would say.

"If it makes you suffer,
then call it supper."

- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

I figured if there was a
way to make this taste great,

you would be the
person we need to talk to.

Let me go up there and see if
I can find some kind of recipe

that will put em' together.

- That's all we needed.
- I want no bones.

She didn't say it stank here.

All right, Jep, I want
you to peel these onions.

Then I need an egg
cracker, that looks like John.

- What am I doing?
- You can start cutting up garlic,

'cause I know how
you love to cut up garlic.

- I do.
- I think you just want us to help you.

That way, if it's bad,
you're just gon' blame us.

- Is that what this is about?
- Yeah, that's what it's about.

Being married to
somebody like Phil,

many times he'd come back from
a hunt, and I'd say, "What's this?!"

And he'd say, "Dinner."

And then I'd have to
figure out how to cook it.

Jason, you need to
go a little bit faster.

It's hard to get every
bone out of these fish.

You're slower than Christmas.

- Kay, do I need to chop that garlic?
- I thought you was choppin' it.

- What's that, grass?
- Chives.

I didn't know they
looked like that.

Mom, look, here's a whisker.

Don't put that in the food, Jep.

But this might be my biggest challenge
yet, turning trash fish into treasure.

I kind of feel like I'm on one of
those cooking competition shows.

- My eyes are burning.
- Dang, my eyes are burning. Whoa.

My eyes are burning.

Oh, please, my eyes
have been burning.

Except, if I pull this
off, I don't get a prize,

I just get people asking me to
cook this for the next 20 years.

- Here we go!
- Mmm.

- Oh!
- It smells good,

and there ain't even
no garlic in there.

It went from bad
smellin' to good smellin'.

- All right, let me see.
- You go for it, Jase.

All right, here we go.

I would say that is the
greatest carp I've ever eaten.

And you've never eaten carp.

- That's something!
- Ain't bad!

- A little gamey.
- I think most people will like that.

- It's better than a bluecap.
- Mmm.

- It's right there with the bass.
- Yeah.

- You know?
- I call it good.

- Well, where do we go from here?
- Get some dessert.

I mean, like, with
promoting the eating of carp.

Hey, get an airplane with
them signs back there flappin'.

You know how it flaps and then
you look up and see what the noise is?

And you'll see it.
"Eat more carp!"

Oh, and I can walk in and
say, "Where's the carp?

- Where's the carp!"
- Where's the carp?

Or we could put "Carpa diem."

- Seize the carp.
- That's right. Redneck Latin.

Oh, that sounds like
something I've heard before.

It wouldn't have
happen without you.

- Thank you, Mama.
- Thank you, Kay.

You did it. We
knew you could do it.

- Thank you, Mom
- We appreciate it.

You made a carp taste good.

- How did you do that?
- I know!

- Thank you, Mama.
- Well, it was seasoning,

it was lemon, it was eggs...

- It was love!
- Parsley, it was love...

- Hey, where are y'all going?!
- We gone.

We got a mess in here, boys.

This is all we have. I mean,
what are we supposed to do?

Give somebody a large
fry and hamburger shake?

Willie's gonna be mad.

- I don't care.
- It's your fault.

- What is that right there?
- I don't know.

- I’ma see.
- Are you gonna eat that?

I guess we could serve that,

if all of our customers are
old, senile, crazy people.

- This is the only thing that's good.
- No way. You're disgusting.

A lot of people don't know
this, but I'm a master chef.

My skills in the
kitchen are unmatched.

This is burnt!

I'm telling you, this
grill is way too hot.

It's not the grill, it's you!

I'm telling you, this grill
needs to be recalibrated.

These fries are done.
This is a wonderful meal.

- Not that many!
- JD, look, fried sandwiches.

- This is the best one.
- That was already cooked!

I had to heat up a little bit.
See? It's a lot better now.

- I don't even know what that is.
- Simple duck wrap.

Table 7 said this is cold, and
these duck bites taste funny.

- Hey, I didn't cook them duck bites!
- I think that's the problem.

I'm like "Emramral Lasagna,"

"Wolfman Puck" and Chef
Boyardee, all rolled into one.

Willie told me to cook! I cook.

- Eat it, then.
- Nah. I'm not hungry.

- You said it was good.
- It is good.

- Hey, them are excellent.
- This is a catastrophe.

There's that spatula I've been
looking for right there, boys.

Did you deep fry a
spatula? That's disgusting.

I told y'all, half the stuff in
here needs to be calibrated.

Yes, you did. You
deep fried a sandwich.

You must've knocked it in there
when you was getting something.

Hey, look, I'm gon' make sure this
meal is memorable for these people,

because I'm figuring, okay,

it's probably the last
one they're gon' have

if this place burns
to the ground.

- All right, I need some food.
- We're out of food.

- We're not out of food.
- Yeah, we're out.

Between what he's burnt,
and what he just decided,

"Oh, we should throw
this away"? It's gone!

- You threw away the food?!
- Yeah. It was dated 2007.

- Si, I just bought that food!
- Check the tag.

It's 2007, that's the reason
I threw it in the garbage.

- No, it's not, Si! Are you...
- Yeah, it is!

- Check the label.
- It's 2017, you idiot.

- It's 2-0-0-7.
- 2-0-1-7!

I thought it was a zero. I
need to get a new prescription.

Is it still in the package?

We're not serving food
out of the garbage can, JD.

I just said if it's still
in the package...

Well, hey, tell 'em to go home.

I don't have any
other good ideas.

I'm calling the person
who can fix this.

Hey, the only person who
can fix this is Superman.

Well, she's Superwoman.

You know what? Hey, I'm gonna
take a break. I don't know about you.

I think we deserve it.
I've been working hard.

This is such a disaster.

Well, anyway, that's why
picked this particular location,

because it's right up
from Duck Commander,

but it's also visible and
I just liked this building.

You got any more questions
or anything I can answer?

I wanna get something to order.

- You ready to order?
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- I'd like to order some food

- as quick as possible.
- Good call.

- Hey, Willie!
- One second, um...

- Here's the cavalry.
- Hang on.

There's someone I need
to go see. I'll be right back.

Si, meet me at the front!

Thank goodness you are here.

- You're welcome.
- What'd you bring?

- It's full of fish, babe.
- Fish?

- Fish.
- Fish.

- We got you some fish.
- Fish?

- Fish.
- Fish.

- Perfect. It's exactly what we need.
- They're fresh, too.

- Did y'all bring some catfish?
- Flying Asian carp.

Flying Asian carp?

- Flying Asian carp.
- Carp?

Flying Asian carp.

- Did you say carp?
- Flying Asian carp.

No, you don't say that. That'll
scare off anybody wanting to eat 'em.

- You can't even eat...
- Flying Asian carp.

- Carp?
- I can.

We just cooked these,

- and it actually wasn't bad.
- Jase, that's a trash fish.

We are trying new stuff
out for the new menus.

- This is definitely new.
- Oh, this is new.

Hey, have I ever cooked
a bad meal for you?

Well... no. The woman's
never cooked a bad meal for me,

I have to say that.

All right, well, just bring 'em in here
and don't say what they are, all right?

Hey, keep that on the quiet.

You are welcome.

- Flying Asian carp.
- Jep.

Finally, the reinforcements
have arrived to the battle.

Unfortunately, my reinforcements
didn't bring any weapons to the battle.

They just brought carp.

Fifty pounds of stinky,
bottom-feeding carp.

- Whoa! Here we go, boys.
- Oh, yeah!

- Fish up.
- Order up, let's go.

- Come on.
- Willie, come on, son!

Good grief! It's hard to get
good help these days, boys.

- We got fish?
- Yeah!

- Yeah, we got fish. Here you go!
- Thank goodness.

Godwin, we're not supposed
to be eating the food.

I'm quality checking!

Well, the FDA has no ban on Asian
carp, so I guess it's on the menu.

Plus, what my customers
don't know, won't hurt them.

Unless it gives
them food poisoning.

That would definitely hurt them,
and close down my business.

Quit eating all
the food, all right?

Don't try to tell the
chef what to do in here,

'cause I ain't gon' play
that. Homey don't play that.

Okay, come on, Si!

All you're doing is
yelling. You're not working.

Hey, Homey don't
play that, I'm telling you.

- Guys, can we hurry up?
- Yeah.

- Coming in hot.
- Order up!

But as a businessman,

I'm always looking to get
an edge on the competition

and start the newest hot trend.

Who knows? Maybe this
will be our signature dish.

We can change our slogan to,

"Willie's Duck Diner, where
carp is the other white meat."

Is carp meat white? 'Cause
I honestly have no idea.

Anybody eat carp?

Here we go, guys,
this is the last of 'em.

This is a little
seafood surprise.

We're testing out some new flavors,
and be sure to watch for bones,

'cause there may be
some bones in there,

but, uh, sorry it took so long.

There's way more people than I
thought was gonna be here today.

Well, whatever
it is, it's delicious.

You actually like
it? That's good.

- Enjoy. I'll be back.
- All right, thank you.

- They actually like the carp.
- You're welcome.

Mom, you're a miracle
worker. Thank you.

Anytime, but not really
anytime, because I worked hard.

- So don't call her again.
- Dude, they liked the carp.

- We need to get the word out.
- No, don't tell them what they're eating.

If they love it, we gotta
tell 'em it was carp.

- Don't tell 'em carp.
- Let me tell 'em what they're eating.

Do not tell them it
was carp, Jep, all right?

Hey, guys, what you're
eating is Asian carp.

And that's a good thing, 'cause
you're protecting our waterways.

It's actually just a local fish,
so it's kind of a farm to table...

- The threat is real.
- It's not a threat.

- Can we get some more?
- More fish?

- Yes, please.
- More fish, guys.

- More fish? More fish!
- Got it!

More fish, boys.

Get your es-carp-o!

All right, let's pray.

Father, we're so thankful
to be in Your presence,

and Father, we just pray that
everything we do reflects Your glory.

And we just pray that we
always shine like lights, Father.

Thank You for protecting us,

and we give You glory
for everything we do.

- Through Christ we pray, amen.
- Amen.

- Let's get on them carps!
- Let's get on these carp-nados!

Sometimes the unexpected happens
and you don't have many options.

In these times, keep the faith
that you have the resourcefulness

to solve any dilemma you face,

even if you have to scrape
the bottom of the barrel for help,

or the canal to find a fish
to serve your customers.

If you stay creative
and resourceful,

you just might find a victory
you never saw coming,

even if it involves
trusting your idiot uncle

not to take down your
restaurant in flames.

Hey, Willie, how much
money did I make in tips?

After I deduct all the food
you threw out? About -300.

That ain't bad!