Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 11, Episode 5 - Good Willie Hunting - full transcript

Are we seriously tracking a bear

based off size of
the eyewitness?

Hey, this circle was huge!

How long y'all's wives
gonna be in Africa?

- Over a week.
- Nine, ten days.

Good grief.

It's been pretty
quiet at the house.

I feel like I should
have went to Africa.

Been down here
looking for bears.

Hey.

Korie, Missy and the older kids



are all in Africa right
now doing mission work.

Which gives us guys

more free time to
do whatever we want.

If you encounter an angry bear,

there's not a whole
lot you can do.

Except spray him in the face.

What? Are you gonna
shoot him with bug spray?

Hey.

Why we chose to do something
that could get us all killed?

I have no idea.

Anything you got enough of
and you spray it right in his face,

- it's bear repellent.
- Y'all need to watch The Revenant.

For the record, I
suggested bowling.

Hang on.



What is that? I keep smelling...

What is that smell?

Smells like dead fish!

Is it...

- Yeah, it is you!
- It smells good, though.

You're messing up
my tracking skills here.

Well, sorry.

- Is it perfume or cologne?
- It's Arctic Mist.

Huh?

It's body spray! That's
what everybody wears.

- Body spray?
- Oh, my God.

Why would you put that
on your body on purpose?

It smells like the Arctic.

So you're telling me the
Arctic smells like dead fish?

Probably does.

Part of tracking is
the ability to smell.

We ain't seen no tracks yet.

Look, look here.

- Jackpot!
- What?

Oh, that's probably
Phil took a crap.

Mm-mm.

No, that's not human that's...

That's a track right
there. That's a bear track.

Of all the poop I've
seen in the wild...

Found the bear track, so...

I'm not real sure what that is.

- Hey.
- I would almost bet.

Will done found a
track up here, Jase.

- That's bear?
- Well, yeah.

Yep, that's a bear.

Way to go, Lewis and
Clark. I got a bear track.

Leave it to Jase to take
credit for my tracking abilities.

I mean, rule number one
of tracking is finding tracks.

You're focused on the poop.

If you're gonna be the tracker,
you need to track tracks.

You're telling me... you gonna
talk to me about tracking?

Meanwhile, all Jase seems
to care about is number two.

You only found the track
'cause I led you to the poop.

Pun intended.

Poop comes out of humans too.
You couldn't track me based on that.

Are you challenging
my tracking skills?

I'm pretty confident you would
never find me in the woods.

Why couldn't he?

I already pooped today, since
he doesn't look at footprints,

he only looks at feces.

Y'all sitting here arguing
about it, let's prove it.

Let's play man hunt.

Yeah.

- Play what?
- That's it.

Me and Jase are
gonna hunt you and Jep.

Oh, done.

You're wearing women's perfume.

- I can track you from a mile away.
- Well, I won't tomorrow.

I'm gonna soak
myself in deer urine.

Good luck tracking that.

- All right, we're on. Tomorrow?
- Yep.

- Deal.
- Well, this is not even a contest.

Look, you'll be easy to track.

All I got to do is go pull
up at Taco Bell and wait.

You ain't ever
gonna find me, so...

Oh, yeah. No. Yeah, we'll see.

Gentlemen, we all
know why we're here.

Rules of the man
hunt are simple:

you two are the prey.

Willie Robertson.

What this hefty CEO
lacks in strength,

he makes up for
in brains, ambition,

and insatiable
hunger for the gold...

and lunch.

Are there any questions?

- Can we call time-out?
- No, you cannot call a time-out.

Supporting Willie

will be his younger
brother, Jep Robertson,

who, despite being younger
and slightly more athletic,

brings little to the table.

Jep, we don't need a time-out.

We might need one. You never
know when you need a time-out.

To win, they must make it
through the woods undetected

and touch the deer stand on the
southeast of the property by sundown.

You hear that?

It's a bear scratching
the tree with his claws!

He's getting ready to attack.

- I can't get it.
- My bad.

On their tail will
be Jase and Si,

the man hunters

and since they have no
idea where the finish line is,

they must rely completely
on their tracking abilities

to find their prey.

You're considered caught if
they shoot you with a net gun.

If they only get one of you, the other
one can continue onto the deer stand.

Jep, I won't leave you.

Unless we get
into a bad situation.

That's a good point.

Let me see if the
hunters are ready.

Godwin, are y'all ready?

- Yep.
- All right, I'm gonna let them go.

- Let's go track fat boy.
- It's not gonna be hard.

- All right, boys.
- Are you gonna hold that the whole time?

I'm gonna hold this, hey.

- Ready?
- Si, that's not a toy.

I know it ain't a toy.

- Set!
- That's a weapon!

Ha!

And the hunt is on.

Going that way?

They're getting away, boys.

Quit messing with that!

- Hey, look.
- Si!

- Quit...
- Look...

What did I tell you?

This thing is touchy, boys.

Touchy?

Jep, I still smell that perfume.

I took like an hour-long
bath last night.

Arctic Mist doesn't come off.

It's like a mixture of
B.O. and teenage boy.

Till yesterday I never thought I
would find myself in a situation

where I'm being chased in
the woods by two grown men.

Yet here we are, playing
man hunt against Jase and Si.

I'll tell you what
we're gonna do.

Where's the last place they
would think to look for us?

The office?

I think we can just
walk right down the road.

We'd be in the open.

It's the last place
they would expect us.

It's kind of like being
in a bad horror movie.

But instead of scream queens making
bad decisions, it's grown men with beards.

They think we're deep in the woods,
they're gonna be deep in the woods.

If you think it'll work...

Clearly there was some poor
casting decisions made here.

These are the decisions
a CEO has to make.

Let's go for it.

If they are tracking,

there'll be tons of tracks
sitting on the street.

They're gonna say,
"How'd y'all slip past us?"

And we're gonna say, "We just
walked right down the road." Suckers!

I'm just telling you, hey...

Si, we're not gonna see
any bears around here.

Hey, no.

Why are you worried
about these bears?

They're not smart enough to where
they can have a coordinated attack.

Yeah, but what about Yogi Bear?

Are you talking about the
manager for the New York Yankees?

No, I'm talking about
Yogi and Boo-Boo.

Hey, if you tie a tie,

I think it's a pretty smart
bear unless it was a clip on.

Is that a cartoon?

No, that was based
on a true life story.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Shh, shh, there's something
in the road right there.

Yeah, we're just taking
a stroll on the road.

That's them two idiots.

That's them right there!

I can spot an idiot a mile off!

Let's get them.

You can run, but you can't hide!

Go in there.

I'm telling you, it's
gonna be both idiots.

Go, go, go, quick, quick.

Okay, I think they saw us
and I'm pretty sure they did.

Just wait right
here for a second.

Okay, so maybe
taking the main road

actually wasn't the best idea,
but this thing ain't over yet.

There they are, right
there, right there, right there.

Right here, right
here, right here.

- Right here.
- Crap, Jase!

You got dust all over my tea.

- You coming?
- Look, no, I got to stretch.

Otherwise I'll pull a hammy.

Oh, goodness!

- What's Si doing?
- I don't know.

- Yeah.
- Is he exercising?

That's what it looks like.

I'm getting too old
for this kind of crap.

- God!
- They went in here.

Jase thinks he's
an expert tracker,

but he's never tracked
something with my intelligence.

Jase is creeping, dude.

All right, I think
we just need to bolt.

I don't know if
that's a good idea.

Well, if we sit here very much
longer, I think we're just dead ducks.

Okay.

Luckily, I came prepared.

I still have a few
tricks up my sleeve.

What's the plan?

I'm gonna count to three and when
I say three, we're gone, all right?

One, two, go, or
one, two, three, go?

- One, two, three, go.
- One, two...

- So on four, okay.
- No, not four.

All right, ready?

- One...
- Go this way.

Two, three!

Go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go!

Sorry, Jeppico.

Sucker!

Go, go, go, let's go!

- Freeze!
- Wait, wait, wait, time-out.

Let's talk about this.

I can tell you where
Willie is. Let's make a deal.

Ow! Ay...

There are no
time-outs in a man hunt.

You didn't have to do that, man.

You're caught. Now,
where's your genius partner?

Well, get me out of
this net and I'll tell you.

- Si!
- What?

- You see Willie?
- No. Where did that sucker go?

He's going to the southeast deer
stand. Let's go get that sucker.

I'm the man hunter now.

Back to the Polaris. One down.

Why would you actually
stop when I said "freeze"?

Because you said "freeze."

When somebody
says "freeze," you stop.

I mean, everybody knows that.

I know, but didn't think
you would actually stop.

There he is!

Oh, he's headed to the woods!

- He's headed to the woods!
- You got 'im, boy!

Let's get him!

Good grief, boy.

Get 'im! Get 'im!

He got it!

Boom!

We got him, boys!

That was awesome!

Well, you got me!

I was a good shot!

- What's going on here?
- That's not Willie.

It's his doppelgänger.

Hey, no, that ain't
no dipplewanger.

That's John David,
Willie's assistant!

What's a dipplewanger?

We've been bamboozled, boys!

After Willie decided to turn
his back on his own team

by using me as man bait,

I figured he couldn't possibly have
any more deceitful tricks up his sleeve.

Clearly, I was wrong.

How'd you get here?

I was jogging through
the woods on my exercise.

No, you weren't jogging
through the woods.

I was getting my steps in!

- Hey, load it again and shoot him.
- Wait! Hey!

- I'm out of bullets.
- Shut up, man bait.

His body double may have thrown
a wrench on my path to revenge,

but this ain't over.

- Where is he?
- What do you mean?

- Where's who? I don't know...
- Willie.

Willie? Uh-uh. I didn't see him.

You had to see him, you're
dressed just exactly like him.

- I dress like this every day.
- No.

Uh-oh.

- Is that our four wheeler?
- No, that must be somebody else's.

- So long, suckers!
- Somebody shoot him!

See you in the funny papers!

Ha! Got 'em!

I hope he's hungry,

'cause I'm gonna serve him
a net-gun sandwich for dinner.

That sounded cooler in my head.

Well, this net is...

Ow!

- Okay, boys, long walk home.
- Hey!

Literally, there's thorns
and I'm stuck down here!

- Figure it out!
- That's what you get, imposter!

You better hurry, though!
You might be bear bait!

- Bears?
- Yeah, bear bait!

I don't get paid
enough for this crap.

We've been sitting here a while.
How long is this gonna take?

I'm getting hungry.

Shocker.

- You can't eat?
- Oh, I can eat, but I'm not hungry.

I stay hungry to keep
from getting that way.

- Here comes Jase.
- I hear him.

That ain't neither one of them.

Look at this kid.

Ahh!

How'd you pull that off?

Well, well, well,
look who made it.

- Where's Jep?
- I left all them.

How'd that happen?

Oh, I had a little
moment of genius.

- Well...
- Unbelievable.

That's why you're the boss.

I guess you're the
winner, that's fine...

- Uh-oh!
- Oh! Oh!

Hey, hey, hey! Don't
shoot me with that, son!

You lost.

Oh!

You stupid idiot, you
could've put my eye out!

Winner!

Jase, you lost.

- You're caught.
- I ain't caught!

If I lose my hair on this...

He sounds like Foghorn
Leghorn, that laugh.

I won, I'm here.

You didn't touch the deer stand.

You ain't got to
touch the deer stand,

you just got to be
at the deer stand.

In my rules, it did say you
have to touch the deer stand.

You ain't got to
touch the deer stand!

Of course, you're not
really caught either.

The Polaris is
what's caught, so...

What are you talking
about? He's caught.

He's not... look!

I'm not caught.

Wait a minute! First
of all, he got a double.

That wasn't in the rules.

We use decoys
every day for hunting.

I just shot him.

He still ain't touch
the deer stand.

I'll touch the deer...

What the... shoot!

- Got him!
- That's a catch.

That's what happens when
you stab your brother in the back!

- Right there, pal!
- That was a good shot, Jep.

That was a good shot.

Well, what now?

What now... where's Si?

- I don't know.
- I ain't seen him.

- Si!
- Quit hollering!

Hey, look! I think I saw
Willie down the road!

We got him!

All right, I'm gonna
get Johnny D.

Johnny D!

I cannot believe
we're finally in Uganda.

It's so crazy,

we've been anticipating
this for so long.

Right now we're headed
to a town called Kikubo.

And we're going to a school
called His Mercy School.

This school was built by the
organization Help One Now

that we've been working
with for several years,

and we just thought it
would be really awesome

for us all to go over there

and just see the work
firsthand, to meet the people,

and we're excited to
see it come to fruition.

What are you doing?

Working on Swahili, so I
can communicate to the kids.

What do you think of my new
African shirt? It's authentic.

- It's nice.
- Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Swahili is so easy,
I got this down.

It's supposed to bring me
good luck every time I wear it.

Is that what the
salesperson told you?

Yeah, that's why
I paid extra for it.

Maybe you should learn
something a little more practical.

Okay, I'll do this one.

"Where is the bathroom?"

Apparently, it's a
tradition in Uganda

to greet guests with a
welcome song and dance.

And we should most
definitely bring that back.

Yes, we should.

Y'all look good,

y'all look like y'all got
way more sleep than I did.

We're going shopping, whoo!

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Hi!
- How are you?

I like this one.

So we're in Uganda

and I think I'm
doing pretty well

at not looking like a tourist.

- What?
- Nothing.

Anyway, since I'm pretty
much fluent in Swahili,

I'm gonna try to talk to
some locals while shopping.

I wouldn't say
you're exactly fluent.

We'll see.

What are you asking?

What?

I'll give you a discount.

Okay, I don't know
what's going on.

No one's understanding me,
and I know I'm saying this right.

We have only just a couple
more days left in Uganda

and there are so many things

that we want to do
before we go home.

This is Subi. Thank you
so much for having us.

Okay.

Really excited today to
get to hang out with Subi

and her sweet little children.

What is your name?
Josh, my name is Korie.

She's posing, she's working it.

Oh, look! She is entertaining!

Work it, girl!

And we're also excited
to see her new home

that we were able to help her
build through Help One Now.

She lives here with
her seven children

and now she has a
home with concrete floors,

with livestock in
the back, a garden,

and things that
make it sustainable

for her to take
care of her children.

There it is!

It's our last day in Kikubo,

so we decided to hang
out with some of the kids

at His Mercy Christian
School one last time.

And by hang out, I mean get
our butts handed to us in soccer.

Three, smile!

I try to tell them what my name is,
but they don't seem to understand.

They didn't understand it?

I think I'm just
not saying it right.

I don't think they
speak Swahili.

What?

I don't think they
speak Swahili here.

- Are you serious?
- Yes.

Oh, my God!

The trip overall has
been absolutely incredible.

I think it surpassed anything
that I imagined that it could be.

But it also showed me
that there's so much hope

and that there's so much
that we can do to help out.

Birthday party in Uganda.

There's a lot of difficult
things in Uganda.

There's a lot of sadness
and tough things,

but through it all
there's also a lot of joy.

And that's the thing that I
think will stand out to us.

This trip was just an eye-opening
experience about the differences

and how we are so
blessed in America

versus most people that
are outside of America.

And so, I encourage
my own children,

I encourage as many people
as I can to experience that.

It'll make you really
grateful for what you have.

Sadie, would you like
to bless the food for us?

Yes, sir.

Dear God, thank you so
much for this amazing trip.

The mystery of
Godliness is great.

You appeared in a body and
you were taken up into glory.

We thank you for that.

And God, I thank you for the meal
that we're about to share together.

In the name of Jesus, amen.

Amen!

These days it seems like
everybody is searching for something.

The funny thing is,
oftentimes we wind up finding

something completely unexpected,

like catching your brother
in a game of man hunt

and quickly realizing it's
his doppelgänger assistant.

Or travelling to Africa,

seeking to make a
difference in the lives of others

and finding out they
made a difference in yours.

If it weren't for those
unexpected moments,

life would be a
little too predictable,

like walking down
a well travelled road,

which we know in a game of
man hunt is never a good idea.

What is that smell?!

It's Arctic Mist.

It smells like Phil

after he's been
gutting fish all day.