Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 11, Episode 3 - Razing the Snakes - full transcript

Thank you all so much
for coming out to honor

somebody so dear to me.

It's tragic when a
life gets cut short.

Had so much to
look forward to in life.

He loved to eat too.

He did have an appetite.

Yeah. Loved nuts.

He stuffed them in his
mouth till he gagged.

- Oh, that's for sure.
- Amen.

I liked it when he went...

- Amen.
- Had a really pretty tail.



Yup.

He was a pretty good squirrel.

I've been to a lot
of funerals in my life.

Some were for two-legged
creatures, some were for four.

Are you gonna honor his memory

by hunting down that devil
of a snake that killed him?

I think she just ordered a hit.

- Hit accepted.
- Amen.

I'll use all my skills to hunt
down this venomous viper,

so we can administer justice.

I won't sleep, I won't rest
until vengeance is done.

- What about eat?
- Oh, he'll eat.

He has to keep up strength.

It's the least we can
do for Earl the Squirrel.



And give Kay a bit of closure.

I will currycomb the
countryside down there.

- It might take more than just you.
- I'll form a posse.

Yeah, I like the sound of that.

We'll call it The Reckoning.

- I wanna be in the Reckoning.
- Cole's in!

I can't. I'm going
out of town tonight.

What are you talking about?
We're making things right.

Yeah, we need to
wrap this up. Let's go.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- All right.
- Good deal.

- I feel good now.
- All right, I'm glad.

Let's go eat some lunch.

Well, I kinda wanted
to say a few words.

Okay, we'll leave you
alone with your squirrel.

This is a posse.

Hey, we're forming a posse.

Is this thing not
awesome, River?

Watch this, watch this, River.

Get up on two wheels.

- Jep!
- Yeah.

- You ready?
- Ready for what?

- We got a posse.
- Posse of what?

- We're going to kill a snake.
- That sounds great, man.

- You know Kay's pet squirrel?
- Yeah.

- He gone.
- He's dead.

- Hmm.
- This is perhaps

the biggest cottonmouth
moccasin ever.

What... what are you doing?

Trying to pop a wheelie.

River, did you get
that for Christmas?

This is me and River's
present together.

This is what we do for
fun. It's father-son time.

- No.
- River's playing with his phone.

He could care less about
that stupid truck you're driving.

He... he was just
driving five minutes ago.

Nah, he wasn't driving, you
was driving the whole time.

We take turns. Now my turns
are longer 'cause I'm bigger.

Hey, River, you ever
play with that truck?

No. That's dad's toy.

- That's what I figured.
- We're taking turns.

It's my turn first, okay?

When your mom
says "blood for blood,"

you form a posse,
and make things right.

Give the toy up. Let's go, son.

Dude, this is not a toy. This
is a hobby grade vehicle.

- I don't know what that means.
- It means it's a piece of junk.

Ideally, I would like to
form the Magnificent Seven.

But realistically, I'll
take what I can get.

Jep, how much
does that thing carry?

Five pounds.

- That's actually pretty cool.
- It is cool.

It would be cool if I was seven.

Even Billy the Kid
didn't play with toys.

And his name was Billy the Kid!

- All right, are you in or out?
- This is serious business, Jep.

Me and River are gonna stay
here and keep doing daddy-son time.

But good luck on your quest.

- Hey, babe!
- Hey.

I need you to come help
me clean out this closet.

No, I can't, baby.

- Why?
- I'm in a posse with Jase.

We gotta kill snakes.

- You're in a what?
- Posse. It's a long story.

I love you. I'll be back.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

River, have fun
with the truck, buddy.

You can't wear that.

- Oh, yeah. Let me go change.
- Get changed. We'll be back.

Is that pathetic, or what?

Rebecca, I'm looking over the
numbers of Duck and Dressing.

I noticed that the top selling t-shirt
we had, you took it out of the inventory.

What? It was the
best seller we had.

- The Monroe and West Monroe shirt?
- Right.

Everyone was
coming in to get it,

and, like, they weren't
buying anything else,

so I was, like, giving them a chance
to buy something else, so I took it out.

You took the hottest selling
thing we had... took it off the shelf

so that people would
try to buy other things?

Yes.

Okay. All right.
Let's don't do that.

You can probably
guess by looking at me,

I'm not really into clothes.

So when Rebecca came to me

asking for advice
about her clothing store,

I knew that what I
lacked in fashion sense

I'd make up for
with business sense.

Let's say you have a hamburger
place, and people love your hamburgers...

- Mmm-hmm.
- And you took the hamburger away

so that maybe they would
order something else.

They may never come back.

They might get a hot dog, so...

Unfortunately, it started
to seem like Rebecca

knows as much about
business as I do about clothes.

But I think the idea's
good, though, right?

- No, it's not.
- Oh.

If I can't figure out
how to help her,

this fashionista will be saying
hasta la vista to her business.

Do you just wanna come
by the store and check it out?

That's a great idea. I
think I need to come,

check everything out,
look at your inventory...

- Okay.
- Hi. I need this.

Jase, I'm in a
meeting right now.

We're forming a posse.
You wanna ride with us?

Put my machete back up.

- That's kind of dangerous.
- Yeah, that's why I need it.

- Hey, we're forming a posse!
- A posse of what?

- This is a posse!
- Hey. This is a posse.

- What is a posse?
- Don't ask.

- We're gonna kill that snake.
- Ah, is this about the squirrel?

Yeah, it killed
Kay's pet squirrel.

Hey, you know how your mama is.

You shoot squirrels
and eat squirrels.

Yeah, but hey, this was
your mama's pet squirrel.

- There's a difference.
- There's a difference.

- What's the difference?
- Big difference.

I don't know those squirrels.

- I know this squirrel.
- Yeah.

You're gonna kill
it with a machete?

That's what he's gonna
use. I'm gonna use the pistol.

- Are you riding with us or not?
- No.

Well, that's good. It
works for us anyway.

What do you got to do?

I've got a business
meeting with Rebecca,

so I'm sorry I can't ride...

- That's just perfect.
- Yeah, that's perfect.

I need the rest of the day off.

Go ahead and take care of
Rebecca's problem at the store.

We'll be, you know,
forming a posse

and taking care of the
snake that killed him.

- Okay?
- Yeah. A posse.

Let's go. We're forming a posse.

All right. What time
do you get to work?

- Uh, it varies.
- How's it vary?

Well, depending on,
like, if it's raining or...

Oh, boy.

- What time do you open?
- Around eleven.

Ten, actually. Ten.

See those water
marks on the trees?

Mmm-hmm.

All that water came down,

and now it's just a snake
infested bit of water.

So be on the lookout,
we're in the danger zone.

Jase, let me borrow your
machete. I gotta get something.

All right. Don't
hurt yourself, Si.

Hold my tea. Yeah.

- Si, we're almost here, I mean...
- I know.

Just making sure.

- Si.
- What?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna show you all a trick.

- You making a spear, Si?
- No.

Hey, look, young folks
today are too focused

on smartphones, smart
watches, and smart water.

I'm not about anything smart.

Okay. Okay.

Good grief.

Look, these methods
are tried and true, okay?

So, hey, look, when I try 'em?

These idiots will see
that what I say is true.

Okay, here's what you do.

- What are you doing?
- Do what?

Look, when you're handling
snakes, you gotta think like a snake.

The only thing I
can think of is...

You can actually
charm snakes, too.

That's how you get worms.

- What's the difference?
- Oh, there's a big difference.

No.

These guys think
they're snake experts,

but look, I'm the only one
on the ground rubbing a stick.

Explain that.

Si, that ain't gonna work.

What are you talking about?

He's worn out from
cutting down the stick.

Whatever. All right.

Me and Jep will take the left.
You and Cole take the right.

Cole, watch on the river
banks, stepping light.

You could probably see
one laid up down there.

I'm telling you...

- Good night! Look right there!
- Uh-oh

Did you get him?

He's dead.

Was he in the water
or on the bank?

He was up under this log.

But he was on the bank, right?

- Yeah, he was on the bank...
- Well, hey,

he was coming up
the bank to them sticks.

I told you it'd work.

They're water moxicans.

- Well, I'll tell you one thing...
- All right, boys.

He is dead.

We ain't got but
200 to go, boys.

Hey, playtime is over.
This is big boy hunting.

This is serious
business here, buddy.

- Do you work here?
- Yeah.

Can you tell me if you
have a medium in this?

Not in this color.

So how much do you pay Sadie?

- Oh, I don't pay her, she works for free.
- That's smart.

- Have a great day. All right.
- You too.

- What happened?
- We didn't have her size.

See, you may have lost
that customer forever.

You gotta close the deal.

Rebecca clearly
has an eye for style,

but I'm here to fix
what's underneath all that:

the business operations.

It's just like in fishing.

If he's not in the boat,
it doesn't count, right?

Teach a man to fish...

- No, that's not... We're not...
- But you just said, like...

Look, I'm just saying there's a reason
Duck Commander is doing so well:

It's because I know
what I'm doing,

and Rebecca can learn a
trick or two from her old man.

It's like in baseball,
you got a closer.

The guy comes in to do what?

To hit the ball.

No, he's not hitting the
ball, he's throwing the ball.

So you're teaching people
how to play baseball now.

We're not...

I guess we could both stand
to learn from each other.

Wouldn't mind figuring out

how to convince these guys in
the duck call room to work pro bono.

All right, Dad.

Why don't the next person that
comes in, you try to sell to them.

That's good.

Piece of cake, deal.

I will reel them right in.

- Wait, we're fishing again?
- We're not fishing.

How often do
customers come in here?

Sometimes it can be,
like, an hour or two.

Are you kidding?

Oh, sleepy.

Oh! There's someone here.

- You're up.
- Cool.

Don't be too pushy, please.

- Hey! How we doing?
- Hey.

Good to see you, I'm Willie.

- Nice to meet you.
- Good to see you, yeah.

- I'm new here.
- Okay.

What we looking
for, some clothes?

My whole life, I've been
trained to sell and close deals.

The first thing you gotta
remember is this: know your product.

I've been looking for raw denim.

Hmmm.

They're probably all raw, I would
imagine. Most of it's just cotton.

Um... it's a certain
type of denim.

- You're not supposed wash it.
- Oh.

Number two is, add
on, upsell or cross-sell.

- We don't have exactly raw...
- I'll probably check back.

What about a shirt?
Could I-Maybe a shirt?

I was just looking for
the raw denim today, so...

Um...

And last but not least,
know your customer.

If you show some effort
in getting to know them,

they'll remember
you for a lifetime.

- All right, thank you.
- You good?

- Yeah.
- Cool tattoos, I like that.

I got two myself.

It'll keep them coming
back. Trust me on this one.

That was y'all's fault, because you
didn't have whatever she wanted.

Raw denim, never heard of it.

Well, but you said upselling.

Okay, you cannot help
us with women selling.

You are not very good
at that, but this is my plan.

We give dad like a makeover
and put it on our Instagram,

like Transformation
Thursday, you know.

- We'll do a photo shoot.
- Yeah.

Promote it, yeah.

Maybe we could even
get like Jase and Si to like...

- Yeah, use your status.
- That would be awesome.

All right, fine.

Whatever it takes to
help you all, I'll do it.

- Okay, perfect.
- Thank you.

I don't know about the
guys, we'll have to ask them.

- Okay. Thank you!
- All right.

Oh... raw denim.

I've seen quite a few
snakes crossing up here.

There's another one right here.

- Good grief.
- Look!

- There's another one right here.
- Be on the lookout!

There's a lot across this levee.

- Yup, yup.
- Be on the lookout, son.

Yup, you might have
something up here.

If you see the grass move-

Whoa! Right there!

I saw 'em! Snakes.

I think one got me.

No, there wouldn't be
no "I think I got snake bit."

Oh, yeah, he got me.

No. He wouldn't have
scratched you, he'd a pop you.

- Trust me.
- You got that anti-venom?

- I don't have any anti-venom.
- Why don't you have it?!

Because it costs $10,000!

I ain't gonna spend $10,000.
Watch where you step.

- My arm's going numb, dude.
- You didn't get bit.

- I did. He grazed me.
- No.

- I'm telling you.
- You done lost your mind.

You wanna send
Si in to confirm it?

- Yeah, go ahead.
- No.

- I'm scared of 'em, I done told you.
- All right, here's what we do.

We all go up to the boat.
You stay behind me, Si.

Cole, you're gonna
go around the left flank.

Jep, you'll come around
to the front end of the boat.

When you lift up the
front end of the boat,

I'm going to shoot the
first ones by your feet.

So don't go forward.
Trust me, I will kill 'em.

And I won't shoot your foot.

I don't know about that.

There are times in life

that demand quick,
swift, assured action.

Cole, you'll circle
around to the back.

Anything that leaves,
just start blasting.

What if we just blew
the whole thing up?

I like that better.

I don't wanna get shot,
I've already gotten bit.

Jep, you didn't get bit.

There are also times in
life that demand dynamite.

And Cole is right.

This is definitely
one of those times.

But you still gotta
go up to the boat

to get the dynamite on it.

But what if we use your
remote-control truck?

That way, we're
not in any danger.

That thing's too expensive, and I
love that thing, and River loves it.

- Well, hey...
- It's a toy.

No, hobby grade.

You strap dynamite on anything,

and it no longer becomes a toy.

Yeah.

Jep, it's a stupid toy.
I'll buy you another one.

Promise you'll replace it.

- Yes!
- Me and Jase

will buy you a new toy.

- Good grief, I'll split it with
him.
- All right.

Look, we put the dynamite
in the bed of the truck.

Plus, look, I got a pint of
napalm jelly in my vehicle.

Why are you driving around
with that in your truck?

Hey, you never know
when you're gonna use it.

And, hey! Right now, we need it.

Well, let's just hurry up,
'cause I'm about to faint, man.

- This venom... poof.
- That's not a snakebite.

All right, let's go get the...

I'll get the dynamite.
Si, you got the napalm.

Hey, we gonna make a
fireball like you ain't seen lately.

All right, take it slow.

That's right, plus
don't be jerking it.

You're sacrificing this
toy for the greater good.

That's easy for you
to say. I love this toy.

I named it Summer.

You're one weird dude, Jep.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Jep, what are you doing?

- Jep.
- Are you drunk?

- Why are you taking a right?
- Look!

- You gotta go straight, son.
- Wouldn't it be cool

if right when it goes under the
boat, one of them, like, tries to bite it,

and I say, "Hey, sink
your fangs into this"?

"Get some of this there, buddy."

Right.

- I'm going in the boat.
- Take it in the boat.

Right there.

All right, he's got it
under the boat, boys.

- Perfect.
- Well, let's blow this puppy up, then.

This is definitely the
most unusual method

that I've ever been a part
of on the removal of snakes.

But it's definitely
the most cool.

Let's do this. Die.

Whoa! Baby!

That was awesome.

Seeing the ball of fire

and smelling the
smell of burning snake,

it does something to a man.

- That singed my beard.
- Wow.

Hey, singed you beard?

And to share that with your son?

This is Manhood 101.

Well...

I guess that took care of that.

Now, hey, Kay's squirrel
has been avenged.

- Good idea, Cole.
- In a big way, boys.

Anybody for crispy
hors d'oeuvres?

- Si, you can't eat those.
- Hey, you might can.

You might like
snakes, I don't know.

I want my $500 by
tomorrow, by the way.

- $500?!
- For what?!

That's how much that costs.
It was a hobby grade, dude.

- You spent $500 on that?!
- Hobby grade?!

I'm keeping the remote.

He's keeping the
remote for Summer.

Summer is no longer,
Jep. Move on to Winter.

Oh, where these guys at?

- There they are.
- There they are.

It's about time.
Where have y'all been?

We've been killing snakes.

- Y'all look rough.
- Jep, what happened to you?

- What's the bandage for?
- I got bit.

- What?!
- He didn't get bit.

- I'm super dizzy right now.
- He didn't get bit.

- Yeah, I did.
- I don't think you'd be standing there

if you got bitten by a snake.

- I'm super woozy.
- You need to sit down.

He didn't get bit by
snake. Stick stuck him.

All right, well, y'all
ready to dress up?

What do you mean, dress up?

They're putting clothes
on us that are fancy.

Look, I don't know about you,
Jase, but I don't do dress up.

You can do it one
time, you'll be fine.

Jep, what do you think?

Jep's about to pass out.

- Let's just go back there.
- Let's go back there,

- look at the clothes...
- Thank you for coming already.

I've done a lot of
things working for you,

but this takes the cake.

Okay, so what's our
vision for the shoot here?

- Let them be themselves.
- Let them be themselves, okay.

I don't want it to be,
like, super set up either.

Absolutely. Okay, so I'll let
them come out, do their thing.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Whoa!
- Okay!

All right, Jase.

- Wow!
- Looks good.

The guys look amazing.

You know, these clothes make
our guys look a little younger.

- Whoa!
- Si!

Yeah! The glasses!

You tea cup matches your shirt.

Even Si.

Yeah, I mean, Si looks like he's
like 55. Which is young for him.

- Okay.
- Nice, Jep.

Sharp dressed man.

Jep, you look the same.
This is your normal clothes.

I was just about to
say, this is nothing new.

Jep actually didn't
look that different.

I know. Exactly the
same as any other day.

That's pretty much
what he wears.

- Oh!
- There you go.

Yeah!

Wait, I thought you were
going to lose the bandanna.

The bandanna.

I'm not sure about the glasses.

This should really help generate
some buzz for Rebecca's store.

Yeah, I'm just glad there's
photographic evidence of this.

You know what?

This would be a really
funny Christmas card.

Or a blackmail.

Yeah, I don't think the
sunglasses are working for you.

Like, do this one maybe.

His hat is sitting
on top of his head.

I guess you just have
a weird shaped head.

It's just a big head.

I think we should
do like a group shot.

- Do a group shot?
- Yeah.

Okay, perfect. So, I know you
guys all are dressed a little funny,

but can we take a step
closer into each other?

- Funny?
- Would that be okay?

- Then the bandanna another time.
- One, two, three.

- That looks good.
- Yeah, great stuff, guys.

Actually, do like candid.
Just like laugh or something.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Like you're talking to each other.

Yeah, yeah, give me a
laugh. Perfect! Perfect!

- Peace sign, baby.
- What's up, player?

Willie, be natural.
You gotta just...

Just be natural.
That's not natural.

Yup, yup, yup. Yes.

More. More, Willie.

- That's it.
- Burning my eyes.

Hey, look, there's not very
many people that know this,

but between the military
and going to college,

I was actually a
amateur male model.

- You're gonna walk towards me.
- You look so lost.

Start walking, guys.

- Si!
- Si, you don't walk like that.

Not that slow!

Let me prove it to you, okay?

Here's some of my signature
poses from way back when,

like this one I call
the Bald Eagle.

White Smoke.

Cruel Intention.

Crunchy Taco.

Playground Slide.

Solar Eclipse.

Honey Bunches of Oats.

The Inquisitive...

Joker.

I need you to astronaut.

All right, everybody
walk towards me.

Ready? One, two,
three, go. There we go.

- Yeah.
- Oh, oh, oh. Robot.

See, not... Now you're
roboting and not astronauting.

I know, but that's way cooler.

I'm the Cindy Crawford, okay,

of bearded, camouflage wearing,
Southern senior citizen hunters.

I've been saying this for years.

Are we done?!

We've got about
500 photos, yeah?

Yeah, like what do you think?
Do you think we got all them?

Oh, absolutely.

I didn't put any
deodorant on and I stink.

- Oh, I know.
- You didn't have to tell me that.

- We can smell.
- We already knew that.

- Okay, cool. I think we got it.
- Y'all got enough?

You good. All right.

- I thank you all so much.
- Do one...

Rebecca, do one
with you in the middle.

Willie's starting to sweat
through his shirt, so...

- Okay.
- Let's do one more.

Last one, ready?
One, two, three.

- Aw, that's cute.
- Perfect.

- I love it.
- Thank you all so much.

- You all look great.
- It was cute.

- Thanks, guys.
- You look fabulous!

Babe, you look hot.

Yeah, I am hot. I'm
sweating profusely.

Let's pray.

Lord, we thank You for
this day, and this food,

and just every little
thing You bless us for.

And help us just to love
You and love one another,

In Your Son's name, amen.

- Amen.
- All right, dig in, boys.

Let's get on this food!

Oftentimes in life, you're
faced with situations

where making a small sacrifice
can help benefit the greater good,

like blowing up
your favorite toy car

to help clear the land
of dangerous snakes,

or putting on clothes
you'd never wear

to help promote a family
member's business.

In times like these, you have
to forget about your needs

and think about the big picture.

Even if that picture will be
posted all over social media

for everyone to see
you looking ridiculous

in tight pants and
a hat that doesn't fit.

Man, these skinny
jeans are way too tight.

As if you would fit in
skinny jeans, fat boy!