Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 11, Episode 13 - Disappearing Acts - full transcript

Well, any ideas?

Well...

I could go get some brunch.

- About the tree, Godwin.
- Mmm...

Leave it right there.

That's where God
intended it to be. Let it be.

The only problem is,
Jess's exact words were,

"Jep, you better get rid of that
tree before Gus's birthday party!"

- Did she say it just like that?
- Pretty much exactly like that.

How'd it go again?

- "Jep, get that tree..."
- Hey.



Hey, babe.

Did y'all figure out how to
get this tree out of the water?

- Well...
- The kids can play like pirates

and they can walk the plank!

- They can walk the plank.
- That is not safe, no!

I mean...

We have everybody from
the Live Original tour coming.

This whole yard's gonna be
crawling with people and kids.

It seems dangerous, okay?

When you're done out here, I
need your help finding a new clown.

- What happened to Binky?
- He's double-booked.

Well, I think I
know another guy.

Jep, don't say
the Great Jep-dini.

And it is the Great Jep-dini!



Gus' first birthday
party is this weekend.

Since the whole
family's gonna be there,

including everybody on
Sadie's Live Original tour,

this is the biggest venue
Jep-dini has ever performed at.

- What makes you great?
- Nothing.

Jess, it's a kids'
magic show. I can do it.

Babe, you're not good at magic.

Before that,

it was this awesome card trick
I did at work for three people.

Maybe it's 'cause
you can't hear.

There's something in
your ear! You can't hear!

- Yeah, I can hear just fine.
- Y'all got a quarter?

I don't.

Yeah, nice trick so far, babe.

Well, actually, Si fell asleep,
so technically it was two people.

Look, you wanna
do a magic trick?

Make that tree disappear, okay?

- 'Kay. Ow!
- All right.

Wanna go take a nap?

Okay, how do I make
that tree disappear?

A chainsaw and hope it sinks?

Hmm...

Great goal, but you gotta learn

a celebration dance
after you make a goal.

You gotta run and slide, girl!

With a little bit more
coachin', you'll be all right.

Coachin'? Si, you don't
know how to play soccer!

I know how to
play all sports, son.

- Can I have some ice cream, Dad?
- Pfft!

Uh, yeah, shaved ice,
you can have some.

Wouldn't mind a little
shaved ice myself!

- What would you like?
- What do you want?

I'll have a small grape.

What's the number
one rule in soccer?

Make more goalies
than the opposing team.

"Make more goalies."

All right, here goes. Let me
go... Let me show you something

while we're waiting
on that gettin' ready.

Here you go, Will.
Here, hold that for me.

- Si...
- Do not lose that.

Cilla, come here and let
me show you something.

- You ain't never played...
- Why am I holding your...

- Si, she has a coach.
- Anybody else would like anything?

Yeah.

Let me get a
medium Tiger's Blood.

You're welcome to
serve yourself down there.

- Oh, is that how you do it?
- Absolutely!

Sweet!

All right, look at this.

That's a knee punch.

This is like a buffet
of sugar goodness.

- That's called a fake.
- Si, hurry up.

I gotta get home
for my magic lesson.

- Magic?
- Magic.

What's your magic
lesson there, Magic Mike?

Dude, I got this illusionist coming
to teach me how to do legit magic.

Why would you wanna do that?

'Cause I'm gonna do it
for Gus' birthday party!

He's one, he'll never remember.

- Brain freeze.
- I even got myself a name.

The Great Jep-dini.

That one got me.

Gon' make you good lookin'.

No, I'm not that good yet.

You should've gone through
this stage about junior high.

Oh!

I'm ready to go.
I got things to do.

- I can't hang around here all day.
- I gotta go.

- I still got things to do.
- Let's go!

Cilla! We gotta go, baby.

- Come on, man! Will!
- Cherry!

- Let's go.
- Whoo, this stuff's good!

I'm on a sugar rush, baby!

Here's the problem with soccer.

The most entertaining thing
about the game is the announcer.

You know, when he goes...

Goal!

All right, shut
up. It's Jep callin'.

Hello?

Hey, this is Uncle
Si. This is not Jep.

I'm using Jep's phone.

Si, I can tell it's you.

- What do you want?
- My tea cup!

Where is it? You never gave
it back to me and I'm thirsty.

Uh-oh.

Si, I set it down on
the back of that truck.

It's not my fault
you didn't see it.

Willie, you was the responsible party,
okay? You abandoned my darn cup?

I'm gon' have to side with Si on that
one. You were in charge of the cup.

Shut up, Jep.

Jase wanted to leave.
He told me to set it down,

- so we had to go.
- What?

Hey, look, both of y'all
are to blame of this, okay?

Hey, turn your truck around, and
go get my cup and bring it to me.

Ha! It's a cup!

Get another one. I'm sure
you can get one for $2.

I've had that cup for
almost 50 years now!

It deserves better. I'm not
gon' leave it in some parking lot.

Go get it!

Fine, we'll go get
your stupid cup.

- No, we won't! No!
- It'll take five minutes, Jase.

Look, and while you're at it,
you can go ahead and wash it too.

Nope, bye.

It's his cup. Why
don't he go get it?

Well, I guess I had it in
my hand, so I'll go look for it.

Well, that's where you messed up.
You should have never touched it.

Have you washed
your hands since then?

The truck was right here.

The truck's gone.

I realize that, but
this is where it was.

Okay.

It's gone. Crap.

Probably the garbage guy
picked it up or something.

Well, it's not here.

Maybe it's up under some cars.

Somebody probably got it.

They probably picked it up
and threw it in the garbage.

- What's up, buddy?
- Hey, how's it going, guys?

Weird question. Uh...

Did you happen to see
like a plastic, greenish,

- like 1940, cup?
- Nah.

- Like a skinny...
- It's kind of aqua.

- It's more green, I think.
- No, it's more blue, wasn't it?

I haven't seen one, guys.

- Super worn out green.
- Teal, maybe?

No, guys, I haven't seen one.

It may have been
blue, but it's over time.

Just a crappy cup.

- Did you see it anywhere?
- I did not.

There's no cup around here.

I feel like Jase and I

are a couple of detectives
working on a case.

I'm like Magnum P.I. and he's
more like the Jessica Fletcher type.

When did the ice
cream truck leave?

I haven't seen an
ice cream truck.

It's kind of a shaved ice truck.

To find Si's cup, we will pursue
every lead and leave no stone unturned.

No, I haven't seen one.

- Okay.
- No cup, man.

- All right. Did y'all win?
- Cool.

No.

- Cool, all right. Good talk.
- All right, guys.

Unless it takes more
than five minutes.

In that case, we're out of here.

Well, it's safe to say

- the cup is gone, so...
- Cup's gone.

I'm sure that whoever
picked up the trash out here

probably just picked it
up and threw it in the trash.

You wanna go look
through the garbage?

- I don't look through trash, son.
- Yeah, good call.

Everybody knows that. He
needs a new cup anyway!

Let's buy a bunch of different
cups, make it like a game.

Maybe he'll get into
it and think it's fun.

The cup died. Everybody dies.

Yeah, but you know...

This ain't a bad
sandwich right here.

This ain't a
sandwich, it's a cookie.

It's the same. It just got stuff
in the middle, two pieces of...

Well, it's not bread, but...

It's a cookie.

It's a cookie sandwich.

Is this what you talk
about all day at work?

Well, not cookies per se, but
yeah, life's little mysteries, of course.

We're just trying
to figure stuff out.

Hamburger. Ain't no ham in it.

- There ain't no ham in it.
- It's all beef.

Don't make no sense.

Why does pneumonia
have a "p" in front of it?

Don't make no
sense. It don't need it.

- Seriously?
- That's how you get smarter!

- Hey.
- What's up, guys?

Hello.

- I brought my friend, Reza.
- Reza?

- Hey, what's up, guys?
- Nice to meet you, Reza.

- Nice to meet you.
- So what is it that you do?

Jep said that I'd
be really impressed.

- I'm an illusionist.
- Oh!

- A what?
- He's a wizard.

- That'd be fun for the party!
- I can show you something.

- What are you guys eating?
- Cookies.

- You eat the cream first?
- Yeah.

Me too.

But there's a problem.

If you eat the cream first, then
you're just left with the cookie, right?

- Yeah.
- Watch. Here's a solution, look.

Whoa.

That just happened.

Oh, Godwin, you wanna
learn that trick, don't you?

For me to learn magic,

I need to turn to
an expert like Reza,

just like if Reza wanted
to learn martial arts.

He'd turn to an expert, like me.

Palm thrust.

Man, that's like the
never-ending cookie!

Yeah, yeah, that's
true. Why stop there?

- Yeah.
- Hold on, watch.

You gon' make another one.

A double stuffed...
triple stuffed!

- There you go. A little better, right?
- That's awesome.

So with someone like him
training me in the dark arts,

Jess will have no problem with me
puttin' on my act for Gus' birthday party.

That's like the
Jesus of cookies.

Can you do that
with a cheeseburger?

Maybe he'll even teach me
how to saw somebody in half.

Kids love that.

Look, you are way too
good to be doing kids' parties.

- Wait, kids' parties?
- Yeah. Babe...

I brought Reza here to teach
me and my two assistants

how to do what he does
so I can be the magician!

- Ta-da!
- I'm the magician now.

Jep... Are you sure
you can't do the party?

I would love to, but I'm actually
booked this week and I'm only here today.

We can do this with his help.

I will be a world
class magician.

All right, if you can teach these
three goofballs to show some magic,

then I'll be impressed.

All I need to know is
how to do that double stuff.

You're used to making
cookies disappear.

All right, before
we get started,

I wanna show you guys just
some simple slight of hand stuff.

Diversion, keeping their attention
where you want is really key.

It's gonna help cover
up the skill, no offense.

Yeah, we're a little lacking.

But I already have a good
name: The Great Jep-dini.

Okay. Traditional,
but that works.

- Y'all need names.
- Magic Martin.

God-weenie.

Got a weenie?

Let's try something
else. What else you got?

- Panini!
- Why with the "inis"?

- That's something you eat.
- That's a sandwich.

- You like sandwiches, don't you?
- Yeah.

The great Panini!

What about Trick Commander?
Kind of like Duck Commander.

That's what I'm talking about.

Trick Commander One
and Trick Commander Two.

This is the very basic slight of
hand. This is where it all starts.

So... Yeah, you could use that.

That's terrible.

Reza has trained for
countless hours to hone his craft.

We got less than
half an afternoon.

Okay, watch. Right.

Transfer. And
tap it with a wand.

Boom, gone! There it is.

Well, look, before you leave, we
gotta make that big cookie again.

I don't think these guys are
taking their training seriously.

Can you imagine that much in
the middle of them two crackers?

Big ol' glass of milk.

Having someone like Reza
reveal his tricks is huge.

Stand up.

Hey, Jep-dini?

You're terrible, bro.

The never-ending snack.

It just keeps getting
bigger and bigger.

It would be like Colonel Sanders came
to your house to reveal his secret recipe.

That would blow Godwin's
mind even more than that cookie.

All right, that's
enough of the basics.

Oh, good, 'cause I'm hungry.

We've got a lot to go over.

Let's get down to some of the
stuff you can actually do at the party.

I got a really cool trick
for you with these goldfish.

It does involve you having
one of the goldfish in your mouth,

so I hope it's not a problem.

- Putting a real fish in your mouth?
- Yeah.

- It's not that big of a deal.
- No, that ain't that big of a deal.

- Put it in there!
- Yeah.

- Oh!
- No, I can't do it.

- Huh?
- I ain't puttin' that in my mouth.

I don't expect y'all
to put it in your mouth.

Chicken.

Si, I got you the perfect
thing for feeling sad.

Some gumbo. I made it myself.

I appreciate it, but
I ain't hungry, Kay.

- Ugh.
- I can't eat nothin' right now.

Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm positive. I
appreciate it, though.

When I'm sad, I eat.

Well, no, I'm not
hungry when I get sad.

All right, good news.

- Thank us now.
- Crisis avoided.

What are you talking
about, good news?

- It was a long...
- We solved the mystery.

We got your cup. There you go.

Merry Christmas.

- All right, now that that's over.
- Back to normal.

- Oh, Mom, what'd you make?
- Gumbo!

Oh, all right, good work.

No, that ain't it, boys.

I don't know where y'all
found that, but that ain't the cup.

That's the exact
representation of what you had.

That is not my cup, okay?
That is an imposter, it's a fraud.

It's just a plastic cup, okay?

Mama sent me that cup in a care
package when I was in Vietnam, okay?

Me and that cup has gone
through two wars together, okay?

And I think that's really the
only reason I made it back.

It was good luck.

All right, we thought
you may be like that.

We brought you some
more cups, all right?

What about this?
We put the logo on it.

There you go. Now look, this
one you can advertise for us.

Let him hold it.

You don't really work that much,
so you can at least do something.

- We sell these.
- That's a piece of trash.

That ain't no good.

It's a sad day, I'm telling you.

Hey, ask the man to
hold your prized cup,

and hey, he sets it down because
he's thinking about one thing.

Okay? Calories. That's
all he's worried about.

- Look at this guy right here.
- This is pretty!

You can't even see what you
got in the glass. That ain't no good.

Well, you put it in there,
you know what, but...

- Hey, no good.
- Si, can I have it?

Yeah, you can have it.

Look, this isn't just any
old tea cup, all right?

It's like a brother. It's
become part of me.

It's become seasoned with age.

That's glass. No good, no good.

That's a stupid coffee cup!

Oh, yeah, there's a good one.

What's that? A shot
glass for whiskey?

Look, most people would just
say, "Hey, get over it! It's just a cup!"

Well, hey, look, I got
something for you.

You're stupid!

I done told you, that cup
has "seminal" value for me.

- Seminal val... It doesn't have...
- Yeah!

Look, I'm this close
to dialing 9-1-1.

- Si, don't dial 9-1-1.
- I'm telling you.

Y'all need to go find this
stupid ice cream truck.

I bet it's hung up
on the bumper!

I don't know where
the ice cream truck is.

And while you're out there,
look, go ahead and put out, oh...

one thousand "lost cup" posters.

- Are you offering a reward?
- Yeah, I'm gon' offer a reward.

- $100.
- $100!

- Yeah, $100.
- It's worth a quarter.

No, it's priceless.

All right. Mom, you
can keep these cups.

- Let's go.
- Y'all done lost the thing.

- Maybe I'll make $100 off of it.
- Hey!

- All right.
- Jase, it's all your fault.

- Si, you're delusional.
- Y'all be good.

Hey, find my cup!

I feel naked without my cup.

I think I'm gon' see a doctor,
see if he got a depression shot.

I guess I'll just eat the gumbo.

What's up, guys?

Hey, we, uh, we misplaced a cup.

Anybody see this
guy laying around?

- Thank you.
- Here you go.

Hey, we're looking for a cup.

It's like a drinking cup.

- Wedding cake.
- We left it up here.

A $100 bill if
you find this cup.

- All right, did you say wedding cake?
- We have wedding cake.

- Willie...
- You want some cream on it?

Uh, yeah, a little
cream. Oh, my God!

Do you have like a route?

When I finish up here,
I go to the west side.

- We're gon' follow you.
- That's kind of creepy.

Just don't bother my customers.

- We are your customers.
- Well, I know!

You're about ready to buy a
lifetime membership, it looks like.

- You have those?
- I do.

I don't know what's
more embarrassing:

Looking for the cup, or actually
the fact that, at some point,

I'm probably gonna have
to take Willie to the hospital

because he's
experiencing a sugar coma.

Go ahead and make
me another one.

- You need to focus!
- Thanks, buddy.

Piña colada!

You put that many snow
cones into that body...

- Hit me, bro!
- Another one?

Yeah, just one more.

- Oh, boy!
- At some point,

we're talking a rainbow
that's not fun to look at...

Might get another one
when we come back too.

Nor smell.

Okay!

Oh, man, I'm
starting to feel it!

Hey, guys, we got a $100 reward
if anybody can find this green cup.

Just a warning to y'all, too,

I would not eat more
than three of those.

Just putting it out there.

Hey, you're messing
with my customers!

All right.

Speaking of, Jase,
we actually gotta go.

All right, see ya.

We basically wasted our entire
day looking for the stupid cup.

- You found about 15 snow cones.
- No, it was only nine.

♪ Happy birthday! ♪

Cheese!

Yeah, Gus! Yeah!

Yay!

We're like... Where
is Si? Oh, there he is.

- Si, we couldn't find your cup.
- You talking about this cup?

They turned it in?

No, ain't nobody turned it in.
Priscilla's the one that had it!

What?

Yeah, she took it off the
truck where you two idiots left it.

Cilla, why didn't
you tell us you had it?

We've been gone all day.

You never asked.

Good answer, Cilla!

- What?
- It serves you right.

Y'all been out there
all day looking for it.

Y'all pay her
the $100. I like it!

Who's, uh, Mr. Creepy over here?

I'm gon' make
you disappear, bro.

You need to make
that suit disappear.

Hey, babe.

So Korie just texted and said
the Live Original is delayed.

So, I mean, he's
gonna need a nap.

I'd hate for them to
miss the magic show.

Yes, the show must go on.

Okay, all right.

- Y'all ready?
- Let's go.

Ladies and gentlemen!

I present... the Great Jep-dini!

- Whoo!
- Thank you!

- Yay, Dad.
- Thank you!

- Okay.
- Why don't you go park my truck?

- Welcome, family, friends, infants...
- Yay!

And creatures listening
to the sound of my voice.

Students.

Me and the Trick Commanders
are gonna show y'all

some Jep-tastic
tricks. So get ready.

- First trick, goldfish.
- Here we go.

All right, hey.

Uh-oh, he's gonna
regurgitate it.

There it is. Whoa!

Oh, and he died!

- The fish is dead.
- He killed him!

He's still alive.

- What?! What?!
- Whoa!

There you go!

- Jep, that was incredible!
- Thank you.

I need an assistant.

Mom, would you come up here

- to be my assistant?
- Yay.

Is this a real bottle?

Yeah, it's a real bottle.

Is that you gon' do, turn
the goldfish into root beer?

No, this one's a
little dangerous.

He regurgitated that goldfish.

All right.

Oh!

Who would put a
goldfish in their mouth?

I'm gon' put this in here. Okay?

I'm gon' stand up
here and let Godwin...

- Uh-oh.
- Rearrange the bags.

I'm not gonna look.

I watched it like a hawk!

All right, Mom, I'm just
gon' go with this one.

Okay.

Take that suit off!

All right, Mom. Choose wisely.

Are you sure?

Dad, don't do that.

Don't do that, Jep. Jep!

Oh, good God!

What do you think about that?

Fix your tie.

How about some applause, please!

- A little applause?
- The Great Jep-dini!

Jep-dini, boys!

I got one more trick.
Everybody follow me.

- It's a biggie.
- I got a trick for y'all.

- I'm fixin' to disappear.
- Are you ready?

Should there be
some kind of drumroll?

Ladies and gentlemen, boys
and girls, animals and insects.

- Are you ready...
- Yes!

For the greatest
trick of all time?

Are you ready? Are you ready?

- Are you ready?
- Are you ready?

- Are you ready?
- One, two, three!

Oh!

- What!
- You got a tour bus?

There they are, boys!

- What's up?
- Hey!

Welcome home!

Happy birthday!

All right, y'all
ready? Let's pray.

Lord, thank You so much
for this food and this family.

Lord, I wanna thank You so much
for Little Gus and what he means to us.

- In your Son's name, amen.
- Amen!

Being part of a
big, eccentric family

is a give and take relationship.

Sometimes your
parents go out of their way

to give you a
wonderful birthday party,

and other times you
have to take an entire day

to look for your crazy
uncle's good luck charm

when it turns out your
niece had it all along.

But when it's all said and done, if
you take care of your family members,

they will take care
of you in return.

After all, one day Gus may be
responsible for changing Jep's diapers.

Did you ever figure out a way
to make that tree disappear?

Yep, I just moved the
party to the front yard.

Brilliant.