Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 11, Episode 1 - The West Monroe Wing - full transcript

We should have got
one of these years ago!

Here you go.

- Oh!
- Boom!

- That's almost the right size for me.
- Dunk it.

- Dunk it!
- Don't hang on the rim, Godwin.

- That's what I figured.
- You can't dunk on this.

Oh, my God!

- Hey! Hey!
- There you go.

- It really is invigorating.
- That's what I'm talking about.

- All right, who won?
- Not Godwin!

I dunked it!



- I got breaking news.
- Breaking news!

What's the alert?

Someone nominated me to be
president of the HOA in our neighborhood.

They all hate me! I
think it's a bit of a prank.

Got him!

So, Jep, you want
to go ahead and...

- I didn't nominate you.
- You didn't nominate me?!

I mean, it's funny. I
wish I would have.

- Hey!
- You should run.

- I should run?
- Do it!

You'd be in charge, man.

You run and win. That
way, you can make the rules.

I don't think people realize
how dumb these rules are.

There was a complaint by the HOA



because my dog was
barking excessively at night.

How do they expect
him to guard the house?

Dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Alley-oop!

- What's up, Mr. President?
- Did you hear about that?

I did.

I think I found your culprit.

- ¡El presidente!
- ¡El presidente!

Why didn't you just tell me?

It was a joke, I thought
it would be hilarious.

How funny is that?

Well, actually, the more I've
thought about it, it's not that funny.

I think I might go win.

You don't need to
run. This is a joke.

But I did nominate you.

Hey, you want me to
tell you how funny it is?

He's actually gonna
run and I'll vote for him!

Si, you live 20 miles from me.

You don't live in
our neighborhood.

What's that got to do with it?

Look, everybody knows

that I have a long and
tumultuous career with the HOA.

That way, I can keep
my Halloween lights up!

Hey, forget Christmas!

I'm gonna keep them
up past Valentine's Day!

You don't live in
my neighborhood!

What does that mean?!

But here's what I figured out.

If you want to beat The
Man, you gotta be The Man.

And that's what
I'm fixed to pull off.

Every community needs rules.

All I want to do is hang my
Halloween lights up, knuckleheads!

You need to pipe
down over there.

Jase, you're not running.

Yeah, I'm running and
I'm gonna win and... hey!

I want your vote!

I tell you what, I ain't taking
my Halloween lights down,

that's the bottom line.

Woo!

- All right! How cool is this?
- Willie, you're taking this too far.

- I can't get this...
- Well, just like step on it.

The guy who sold me this
said this was easy, but...

- There you go, here.
- All right.

Do you even really want
to be the HOA President?

No, I just don't
want Jase to win.

The idea of living under
Jase's rule is terrifying.

I mean, Jase saw Mad Max

and thought the only problem
was a few too many cars.

I do not want Jase
to be the president.

- I will say that.
- Yeah.

Everybody's gonna be burning their
garbage, dogs pooping everywhere.

I can't sit back and let Jase
turn our nice neighborhood

into a lawless wasteland.

But Randy's running! I mean, he's
probably gonna win anyway, so...

Randy ain't gonna win, he
ain't got a chance against me.

He's done a good job, I mean...

He ran over a dog!

It was his own dog.

Is that the kind of
guy we need in office?

Willie, that was horrible. You're
not gonna tell other people.

But I'm not too worried.

Because by the looks of things,

all signs are pointed
to a Willie victory.

I should just run for mayor,

but this will be good to
start off my political career.

You're gonna be the first
lady of the neighborhood.

- You'll be like the FLOHOA.
- What?

The First Lady of the
Homeowners Association.

- FLOHOA?
- Yeah, like FLOTUS, you know?

- I'll call you FLOHO for short.
- That doesn't sound as good.

- Korie, that's big deal!
- That's horrible!

That's awesome!

Look what the cat dragged in!

- What are y'all doing?
- Just putting up some signs!

You're running
for the same thing?

I decided to jump in the race!

Y'all are that scared
that I'm gonna win?

- No, I'm not.
- No.

You want to turn a
neighborhood into a prison?

I'm trying to offer freedom here.
You should be supporting me!

This sign says I'm successful.

That's your slogan?

"Don't be silly, elect Willie"?

Don't be silly!

Pfft! I don't have to
worry about you winning.

Save it for the campaign.

- That is classy, look.
- Let me see what you got here.

HOA President.

- I think they look good. See?
- I think they look nice.

Yeah, all right.
Well, good luck.

The future first...
Give me that sign back!

Are you kidding?! Jase!

All right, now you gotta win.

- Yeah, take his signs down.
- There you go.

- Just take them all down.
- I'm burning it!

Oh, FLOHOA!

- I want to see the monkeys.
- Oh look! Look, River!

I think if I was an animal,
I would be a monkey.

Hey, there!

You could scratch
your butt, nobody cares.

- Jep, that is gross!
- Well, you do it anyway, so...

- Watch this guy! Whoa!
- Hey! Look at...

He just totally crashed.

Well, that's what you'd
be if you were a monkey.

Okay, do some more tricks!

- Oh, she did it!
- Ew.

- Well, hello! How y'all doing today?
- Hey!

Welcome to Louisiana
Purchase Gardens and Zoo!

Thank you!

I'm here and we're giving
y'all a VIP tour today!

- Yeah, she said that.
- I'm excited about that!

VIP tour at the Monroe
Zoo, that's big time.

- Now what is this?
- This is a black and white tegu!

I bet you could make
some pretty boots out of him.

- Jep!
- What?

Don't say that!

Where's Willie at?

Willie got tied up in some
kind of HOA political...

Something's going on
there, I don't know what.

He's being a big shot,
that's what he does.

Oh, he's being a big
shot? Did Jase make it?

- He's right there with Willie.
- Really? Ah...

Being the youngest brother,

I've had to live in their shadow
as long as I can remember.

- But Jep made it, so...
- Mmm-hmm.

But you know what?

I bet people are always asking
Willie and Jase where I am.

I'm nicer and I
generally smell better.

Really?

I mean, they never
mentioned that it happens,

but I'm sure it does.

So are y'all ready to
see some animals?

- Yeah!
- Oh, yeah!

Oh, there's your llama, mama!

What's your name?

- Stormy is the paint horse...
- Okay.

And Missy is the solid one.

- Oh, that reminds me of Missy!
- Jep!

- She's like me, a full-figured lady man...
- I love it.

Gus, what do you think about it?

Gus, don't eat the food.

So, a lot of people come
over to Duck Commander

and they're looking
for other things to do,

and it has increased
our attendance a lot!

Awesome!

We're looking for any
kind of extra revenue

that we can bring
into the zoo to help out.

- We need to do something, Kay.
- Oh.

With how much our family
loves animals and the zoo,

we're thrilled to have the
opportunity to give back.

We can rent you Si.

You can put him in a cage and
everybody can come by and laugh at him.

You could give kids tea,

and they could walk up
there and he'd drink it.

This is finally my opportunity

to get out from under
my brothers' shadows

and make a name for myself.

Jep, we're not
putting Si in a cage.

We can come up with
something better than that.

But the important thing is that we'd
be doing something to help out others.

Yeah, that too.

Without any assistance
from Willie and Jase.

You know, we do have this
natural lagoon system out here

and a lot of native birds
that fly into the lagoon

- are mallard ducks.
- Really?

- Yeah.
- Oh, my goodness!

What you could do is, like, put, like,
a viewing duck blind on the lagoon.

Have families come in, watch
the ducks and all the other wildlife.

That would be awesome!

Maybe put our pictures on it
or something, like the guys?

That's a great idea! And
look who thought of it!

Not Willie, not Jase, me.

All right, simmer down there.

I'm gonna put it in the
paper when it comes out.

Thank you, and say,
"This is Jep's idea."

So is there any chance
Willie still may show up?

Extremely doubtful.

Al!

Hey, Jase.

Your milk's expired
in your refrigerator.

Milk's expired?

I put the nose to it.
Need to get some more.

You're just wandering
around, drinking random milk?

Well, seeing what
you've been eating.

I was wondering what you were
doing in my neck of the woods.

I wouldn't really call this
the neck of the woods.

I mean, what do
we got, 17 trees?

Well, that's an American colloquialism.
It's actually a pretty interesting story.

- The first settlers, they come over...
- Good talk on that.

The reason I came by is,

I'm running for the
presidency of the HOA.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I know that's crazy, 'cause you
know how I am with the HOA.

You've had some
issues, I know that.

The current HOA
president, Randy, and I

have had a rocky relationship.

Get it, get it, get it!

Chickens make me happy!

You cannot have chickens.

Smells like bacon!

You can't dump grease
in your front yard?

No, sir.

- We're gonna get in trouble, again!
- Huh?

Is that thing bleeding
on my front porch?

Oh, yeah.

And to say that Randy has
singled out my perfect behavior

would be accurate.

Well, you'd be a lot different
than Randy, that's for sure.

All right, so I
have your support?

Absolutely you have my
support. You're my brother.

Good.

I really never saw you
as the political type,

but I think you're
taking to this thing.

- What's up, Al?
- You can probably...

Will!

- What's happening?
- Welcome.

- Oh, I like a man that brings pie!
- You brought Al a pie?

Can't a brother bring
another brother a pie?

- No!
- You certainly can!

- And my favorite.
- What are y'all doing?

Jase came over and was telling
me about running for HOA president.

Did he tell you I
was running too?

You're running against Jase?

- You didn't tell him?
- Why would I tell him that?

Now, that's the problem, see?

His attention to detail
is, let's say, lacking.

Let's talk about the issues.

Yeah, I can talk about the
issues. Burning garbage.

You need to stop doing that.

You basically have broken
every rule in the HOA so far, so...

You know why? 'Cause
they were dumb rules.

Well, you should know
something's wrong

when your whole campaign
starts off with bribery.

It's not bribery, believe me.

Al, some people
just don't belong.

I gave my brother a
pie. Whoopty-whoop.

- You bribed him.
- No.

There's something
wrong with that.

I don't want the HOA to
come between brothers.

I mean, is there any way
I can just, like, be neutral?

I brought you a pie!

Well, look, I'm
gonna support Jase,

because he was the first one
to come and talk to me about it.

Yeah, but if I wouldn't have stopped
to get the pie, I would've been here first.

I rest my case. Thanks
for the support, Al.

Now let's eat some pie.

Hey, you're not eating
that pie. That's my pie.

It's not your pie. It's
my pie, technically.

- I mean, you gave it to me.
- Me and you can eat the pie

but he ain't eating the pie.

- Well, I need a fork.
- Jase, you're not eating that pie.

I'm gonna lick that pie.

Mom, you about done?

I'm just putting the
finishing touches on it.

This is what I'm talking about.

This belongs in a museum.

- It's a work of art.
- I'd say that's something.

I'd say that's awesome!
You know, my body, at least,

looks pretty much just right.

- It stands out.
- It definitely stands out.

Jep, why do you stand out the
most? That's what I wanna know.

This was my idea.

I told him his muscles were too big,
but he kept wanting me to do it bigger.

- Jep, seriously?
- Jess, I've been lifting a bunch.

I mean, I think the
blind looks good.

I mean, we gotta figure out
something else to do, like, this can't go.

When you are
painting a portrait,

you always have
artistic license.

I think Si looks good!

Si has, like, one crazy
eye. You got that perfect!

The artist's job is to capture
the essence of the subject,

and I think my Mom nailed it.

- What about Lilly?
- I don't know, Dad.

Your muscles are way too big.

- Maybe a tad.
- A tad?

Maybe this mural will
encourage people to exercise.

Gus thinks it's awesome!

I did this for Gus, Jess.
Gus, where you going, buddy?

What would putting
Willie front and center do?

Encourage people to not care?

Wait, you don't
have arms like that.

This is gonna be
there for all time,

so this is like me in three
years. That's what I'll look like.

It's just weird that you're,
like, center stage, like...

I mean, maybe this once
I wanted to be out front.

But we all love you, Dad.

- You're center stage with us, babe.
- Yeah.

You don't need to be
in front of your brothers.

- We think you're awesome.
- Yeah.

I mean, I guess now, looking
at it, maybe we overdid it.

I'd say a lot.

Willie looks a little derpy.

He's thinking, "I think
I want a brownie."

Jase looks like some
kind of hobo or something.

Yeah, he's gonna be complaining.

How about we just keep it,
and we put it in our bedroom?

No, that would be weird.

- It would look good.
- Not a chance.

Come on, buster!

- You did good though, Miss Kay.
- Thank you.

- You worked really hard.
- He made me do it!

Did you draw a six
pack too under that sign?

- Oh, sure!
- Of course we did!

Shocker.

I've just been honored
to be your HOA president

and been involved in helping this
neighborhood for the last several years.

But as in all things, we
need to take a fresh look,

and I want to thank
Jase and Willie

for having interest in our
neighborhood and wanting to run.

I'd love to continue
to serve, but...

Randy, thank you
for your tenure.

You've done an amazing job,

and I look forward to really pushing
some of the ideas and values...

I think that we need
to make a few changes.

Did you know that we actually
have a surplus of money

that's just sitting
there? Your money!

Jase, that's the rainy day fund.

That's what we use to repair roads,
for emergency special projects...

No, that's... that's our money.

So if you vote for me, I'm
gonna cut you all a check!

- Not a good idea.
- What?

For $280.

- That's what I'm talking about.
- That's the first thing I'm doing!

It's your money!

That's not true!

That's not true.
It's $280 total.

- No...
- You gonna give them back ten bucks?

And that wouldn't be a
wise decision to do that.

- We need that.
- Hey, look,

- just give me the $280 cash!
- You don't live here.

What I represent is
common sense and freedom.

No rules!

Government 101.

There needs to be certain rules,

- you know, in a society.
- No.

- Okay? That's all...
- Are you done?

Hey, your chance...
This is my turn...

This is not how a debate works.

It's the same issue about dogs.

If you can't train your dog to
go poop in somebody else's yard,

- that's your problem.
- Jason, really?

Hey, I'll confess to you! That's
my dog pooping in your yard.

- It's my statement.
- You get you state you point,

then I get to rebut that.

- Go ahead, rebutter.
- Okay.

Re-buttface.

Let's talk about him
burning his garbage!

Everyone should burn
their garbage in a barrel!

You need to check your garbage.

Right now there are at
least a million maggots.

- That is not true.
- Go check your garbage.

I will.

You know what has maggots on it?

The speech you're
giving right now!

Cut me my check for 280 bucks
and mail it to me. It's all I want!

- I appreciate y'all coming, thanks.
- Hey! Don't be silly, vote for Willie!

I didn't even have
to give a speech.

Jase, literally, your
speech repels people.

- Peace out.
- We'll see who wins.

- Good job, El Presidente!
- Good luck!

Yep, she's done!

It looks great,
babe! I'm impressed.

It looks good!

And it was definitely a good idea to
get rid of the mural and go with this.

You're probably right.

- I'm back in the shadows.
- Not the shadows, babe!

No, you got the
meanest look of anybody.

I do have a good look.

I'm like, "You talking to
me? You looking at me?"

It looks like you're
fixing to riverdance,

like you have your
hand on your hips, like...

- That's what I was going for.
- Riverdance? Okay, babe.

- Gus loves it!
- Uh-huh!

He likes seeing
his daddy up there!

Isn't this new version of the
duck pond so much better?

Meh... I guess.

Hey, at least you
made it on there.

- Where's Alan?
- There wasn't enough room.

Plus, I'm sorry, Al
doesn't have a beard,

and he just doesn't look
as cool as the rest of us.

Well, y'all wouldn't be alive if it
weren't for him, so you know...

- What?!
- Is he my dad?

I don't think the photo captured my
muscle bulk as good as the mural,

- but I guess you're right.
- Just let it go.

Willie look a lot slimmer.

- He'll thank you for that.
- Mr. Slim Jim.

Do you think it's too late to
add a cobra around my neck?

It's at a zoo. I mean,
that would look super cool.

It looks good the
way it is, babe.

Hi, y'all! How
y'all doing today?

- Hey!
- Miss Kay, it came out awesome!

- Isn't it great?
- Absolutely love it!

A lot of kids that have
never even seen a duck

will be able to go in it and know
what their daddies do on the weekends

- when they go duck hunting.
- Yeah!

- Jep worked really hard on it.
- I did.

- Thank you, Jep.
- You're welcome.

You think it'd be okay if I
put "Built by Jep" on the side?

I'm just asking!

Hey, Dad, look! There's Willie!

- Hey!
- He lost weight!

Oh, no, that's
the cool one, son.

- Oh, you're the cool one!
- Is that what he said?

- Yeah. You're the cool one.
- I'm the cool one.

Probably thought you were Jase.

Seriously?

I'm just saying.

Jep, the kids and I
think you're the cool one.

Aw, thanks.

Isn't that all that matters?

No, I want to be
adored by the masses.

But that's nice of you to say.

This new exhibit will be
bringing in a lot of people.

- Yeah.
- It looks great, babe.

He didn't know my name,
but he called me the cool one.

- I think you're the cool one.
- You are.

Feeling good!

You know what makes me feel
better? Getting that big burger!

Well, don't be silly!
Go ahead, Willie.

That was a good slogan.

That's like top ten dumbest
slogans I've ever heard.

It's catchy. That's what
you're not thinking of.

You gotta have something
that catches the people.

Freedom?

Way too heavy, man.
You gotta lower it down.

People just wanna feel good.

"Don't be silly, vote
for Willie." What's up?

- Hey, guys.
- What's up?

- There he is!
- Just wanted to come by.

The votes have been tallied and I
just wanted to let you know who won.

Who's that?

Willie. You are the new
president of the HOA!

- Yes!
- He won?

- Yep, yep.
- Was it close?

Uh, between Willie and I.
You came in a distant third.

But, listen, I appreciate
so much your effort.

What's wrong with these people?!

- It was a hard fought campaign.
- I agree.

- How many votes did I get?
- I think there was a couple.

A couple?!

- Basically you and Missy.
- Me and Missy...

- There you go, that's a couple.
- Well, Al!

There should have
been at least three.

I just counted the
votes, I didn't see who...

- Al must've turncoated.
- You lost Al.

- That joker!
- Turned him!

Anyhow, Willie, congratulations.
I wanted to give you...

You doing homework?!

No, this is all the records you gotta
keep, you gotta keep your minutes.

You have to send out
a monthly newsletter.

And this is Jase's file.

That's all me? Let me
see that, can I see that?

Also, you have your accounting file
there that you have to keep up with.

- I'm busy, like, I gotta...
- Also this bigger one right here,

that's the names and addresses of
all the people in the neighborhood.

You'll be wanting to send
out birthday cards and...

I had no idea that it
required this much work

to be the Homeowners
Association...

Well, if you do a little bit
every weekend, it's not that bad.

Turns out my plan to
keep Jase out of office

is gonna keep me in
the office every night.

Hang on, how many weekends
do you work on this stuff?

Well, it's pretty
much all year round.

- Even in hunting season?
- Yeah.

I can't believe I gave up a
perfectly good pie to get here.

This is gonna be first time I'm gonna
be able to go to some ballgames,

take my wife out for a few more
dates, maybe do some travelling, so...

Has anybody ever quit?

My parents always taught
me that quitters never win.

But I've already won, so I'm pretty
sure that that one no longer applies.

Look, the only reason I did
this was so that he wouldn't win.

I thought it be fun, but I think
I'm just gonna resign right now,

um, and I'm gonna let you do it

because I had no idea
that there was paperwork.

Well, I'ma be honored to do it.

I mean, I've enjoyed doing it
for the last several years and...

Here you go!

This is just... This
whole thing is corrupt!

Hey, look, I drove
around for an hour

and there was no
voting booth anywhere.

- Si, there's not a voting booth.
- Well, I gotta go back

and make the minutes
from this discussion

and report to
everyone what we did.

Make sure you note that I was
the president, that I did win but...

Your first act of
office was to give it up.

Thank you, I appreciate it!

- Appreciate it, Jase.
- Where's my 280 bucks?

I ain't giving you nothing! You
don't even live in this neighborhood!

Al! You didn't vote for me?

I said I would support you.
I didn't say I'd vote for you.

Turncoat.

All right, let's pray.

Father, we're so thankful for this day
and for all the blessings you've given us.

Thank you for our children.

And we just pray that we
always be lights of you, amen.

- Amen!
- All right.

Sometimes in life you get
an unexpected opportunity

to serve your community,

whether it's the chance to
take the lead on a project,

or a joke that turns into
a heated HOA campaign.

But it's not always
about winning or losing,

or being out in front with
ridiculous cartoon muscles.

What's really important is doing
what's best for the greater good,

even if that means
checking your ego

or realizing you've bitten off a
little bit more than you can chew.

Hey, y'all should see the
mural I made for the zoo.

Not now, Jep. The
adults are talking.