Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 10, Episode 14 - Techs and Balances - full transcript

I am hungry! Isn't this amazing?

So when they give you the take
out, they do little different animals

and I think these are swans.

What's everybody doing?

Is anyone listening to me?

- What?
- You realize everybody's

- just on their phone?
- I'm on my iPad.

Well, what should...
What do you want us to do?

- Just look at that, isn't that cool?
- Yeah, hold it up. I wanna take a picture.

Why do we have to take
a picture of everything?

It's cool. I'ma put it in
the family group text.



But everybody's
sitting right here!

That's a funny picture

- right there. That's a good one mom.
- John Luke, it's right here.

This is the real thing!

Oh.

Look, I'm all for cell phones.

I use them for just
about everything,

but when it starts
taking over your family,

that's when things
get out of control.

What's the deal with
Will, is he asleep?

Yeah, his phone died.

See that's the problem, he can't
even function without his phone.

Family time used to be board
games and capture the flag.

Now my kids are DM'ing
me to borrow the car.



You are missing out
on the great things of life,

like takeout that comes
in the shape of an animal.

That's crazy.

Say it again, I'm sorry.

We're out of control.
I think it's safe to say,

We got a problem.

All right, here's what
we're going to do.

We're going to have
a little tech time out.

We're going to all
turn our phones in.

- We will not be distracted by...
- I got a text from Tee Mama,

let me just respond
to her and...

All right, tomorrow's the
day I'm taking all technology,

cell phones, games.

- All right, sounds good.
- It's going to be fun.

- All right!
- No technology!

Where's the remote?

When's Reed getting married?

Oh, it's the first
Saturday in November.

- No!
- I said you can't plan a wedding,

- the day LSU's playing
Alabama - Agreed.

That's why you always get
married in the summer months.

But then it gets too hot.

But you can't do it
in the spring, either,

- because the fish are spawning.
- That's what I'm talking about.

- You got April and May that's it.
- Summer months.

This is common sense, I thought.

What's up, fellas?

Oh, boy.

- Jep.
- You like my new hat?

- No.
- You worried about getting sunburned?

This is the new style brother.

- The new style?
- You look like a large gardener.

- Tour guide.
- Scout leader!

Dudley Do-Right of the
Mounties, he wore a hat like that.

- If you wear that in public...
- I've worn it in public all day,

nobody cares.

- In fact, I get compliments on it.
- You don't understand sarcasm.

I feel sorry for
ya'll, ya'll have...

You just don't know
what's going on these days.

The one thing that everyone can
count on in the duck call shop, is honesty.

We're going to speak
the truth, in love.

- That's a woman's hat!
- No, it's not a woman's hat!

That is a woman's hat!

- He's having a midlife crisis.
- Yup.

- I'm not that old!
- Mid-life crisis.

It is our duty to make sure that
Jep realizes, that he made a mistake.

But for Jep to wear this
hat, he made several.

Anybody who's anybody
wears a hat, that's cool.

Yeah, but that looks stupid, no?

I don't really know
what to say about that.

- You're only wearing half a hat.
- He put the hat on in the first place.

He ventured out into public,

and last, and probably
the most grievous,

is he had the audacity to
walk in the duck call room.

What did you think
was going to happen?

I mean, it's like you
want to be Indiana Jones,

but you're a nerd.

- That would be Delaware Jones.
- Why Delaware?

Because Delaware's
the nerdy state.

- That makes no sense.
- Ain't nothing but nerds there!

- Hmm.
- They all wear the big, thick-rim glasses.

OK. So far you're
describing yourself so...

- No.
- I'm going to go to the bathroom, here.

Take the hat off. Make ya happy.

The bathroom's where
that thing belongs,

- you may want to take it with you.
- Very funny.

Look, you need a hat like that.

- I do?
- Yeah.

- Good grief he's got a big...
- You know what,

you don't look as idiotic.

I don't know why
these guys are jumping

on Jep so bad about that hat.

I think it actually looks pretty
good on him for a little girl's hat.

They've always called him the
baby sister of the family anyway.

Take a picture...
And send it to Jep.

- There you go.
- What does he look like?

- Give me that!
- Seriously, what was Jep thinking

when he got
dressed this morning?

"You know, what can I
put on my head today,

that would terrify
man and beast?"

You look like Gilligan if he had on
a brown hat instead of a white hat.

The senior citizen
years of Gilligan.

What are you talking about?
Here you go, put it on, big man!

- Hey.
- When did Hogwarts

start offering adult classes?

- You look like one of those Quakers.
- Ya'll watch wrassling, the Undertaker!

That's not him.

Or look, it could be a simple as

he's got a field of crops
that need protectin'.

Who knows?

- Got your pictures, very funny.
- You like that?

Yeah. Good jokes, good jokes.

What's funny is, I
think the jokes on ya'll.

- What?
- What are you talking about?

Jessica just told me my
whole family's got lice.

- What?!
- My kids have lice.

- And then I just had this hat on.
- We all had that hat on.

I ain't worried about it because
I can't get them, I had them.

- Oh no, you can get them.
- No, that's a myth.

- No!
- Yeah.

- Ain't no myth to it!
- It ain't chicken pox.

- I can’t get them.
- Huh?

- I've had them!
- Look, we have two options...

Burnt motor oil.

- No, that's not an option.
- You have to take a bath and look...

- Here's the two options...
- Motor oil?

Hey, it suffocates them!

We can shave from head
to toe, that's option one.

Option two, I
know a lice expert.

Call him. Burn that hat!

You'd better be careful, you're on the
side of the street to the danger zone.

All right, ya'll
ready to go fishing!

- Sure.
- Yeah, totally.

This is actually really cool.

There's no
technology, no phones,

no GPS's on the vehicle,
so you kids are in charge

of getting us there and you
have an old-fashioned road map.

- Not mapping.
- I'm not good at reading maps.

Girls are with me,
boys are with dad.

And we've got the maps but I'm
not helping and mom's not helping

- so ya'll got to figure it out.
- Nope, you got to do it all yourselves.

- But how do we...
- By reading the map.

Y'all have to lead the way,

you are the guides.

- But how are we supposed to...
- Find out how to get there

- by reading the map.
- I'm not helping, either.

- But...
- We're not going to help you at all.

I think going without technology
is going to be tough for the kids.

And they're terrible
map readers.

These kids have
never even see an atlas.

- Hmm-mm.
- They have no idea how to read a map.

- What even is this?
- What even is this?

- It's like Spanish or something...
- Figure it out!

It's not Spanish,
it's in English.

Korie, you're whole sense of
direction's based on the mall way

- or the Shreveport Way.
- That's true.

Like once you past the mall you
don't have a clue where you're at.

- That's true.
- All right, y'all ready?

- First one to get there wins a prize.
- It's not a race.

- It's always a race.
- Is the prize our phones?

Probably not.
There's really no prize.

Willie!

That was just to give them some
motivation, they'll forget about it.

- Their prize will be time together.
- Certainly won't be a cell phone.

All right, are we getting close?

You're going to take a
right around the corner.

- A right up here?
- Yeah.

You're actually doing
better than I expected.

Doing better than I
expected of myself.

I don't see the boys behind us.

- You don't?
- Mmm-mmm

- They must've got lost.
- Oh no.

Dad, there's so many
holes in this map!

Like there's tears
and just junk torn out of

- this whole entire map.
- You can't see anything.

The map is perfectly
fine, how do you think

I got around back when I
was y'alls age? I used a map.

I think these maps are old, and
I don't think the roads are right.

You got to learn
how to use a map.

Kids today don't know
how easy they have it.

GPS and navigation
have revolutionized travel,

making road maps,
all but obsolete.

I still can't even
find West Monroe.

You got to be
better at geography.

But what they've done
is actually take out

one of the most
memorable parts of a trip,

getting totally
lost and confused.

This map doesn't
even have our city in it.

Number one rule to map reading

is get the right map.

- You, you gave us this map!
- You gave us these maps!

- Second rule, no excuses.
- What the heck?

I think I may have
severely overestimated

the boys' navigational skills.

These maps are useless, we need to
pull over and just ask someone where to go.

All right.

That's no technology,
so we got to do it.

All right, no tech,
no cell phones.

- Hey, look!
- Ew.

- Oh that's a biggun.
- There's a bunch of them right there

- where you got the sticks.
- Is there eggs?

Yeah, you got
that lice in there!

- I can see them from here!
- Si, you got lice, too.

- Nope, impossible!
- Si, you wore the hat.

- You got it, bro.
- Hey, I done told you,

- I had lice as a child!
- It's not chicken pox!

All right, look, these young
bloods are trying to tell yours truly

about health. I am the
picture of good living.

- We all got it!
- No.

- He got it. I got it.
- I have built up a natural immu-dity.

- You got it.
- Your little rat tail's

- got lice all in it.
- It takes years

to cultivate a beard
with this kind of fortitude.

- Hey look, is that a wart?
- That's gross.

I can't blame these lice, okay,

cause look, this is a
target rich environment

- we're talking about here.
- Yeah, you got that lice in there.

- Y'all making me itch.
- There it is look, you got it.

- What, hey, it's a sub-libal message.
- Huh?

Look hey, this is an all
you can eat smoke-gabore...

of things to eat.

Have no fear, the
lice expert is here.

Miss Kay!

I thought that was an
angel coming in here!

Oh it is, the
angel of lice death.

Are you killing
lice or vampires?

- Is there garlic in there?
- Good grief.

Does it have enough garlic?

Yeah.

- Good grief.
- The lice hate it!

Well hey, doctor them
up, get rid of them!

- You're getting it too?
- I do not have lice.

We'll get him.

This is taking forever.

Somebody here has got to know.

- All right, let’s go.
- Hurry up!

All right.

Mom's gonna... She's
gonna already be there!

- Excuse me, sir.
- Hey, how are y'all?

Hey, good. So,
we are a little lost.

And we're trying to go
fishing over here near...

- Shady Bray. Yeah.
- Shady Bray.

You don't really want to go down
in there that's all thick and trees

and stuff, you can't
even fish in that.

You need to go in
this are off over in here,

is where you need to go.

We're trying to meet
people here though.

So, can you give us directions?

These boys are
already off to a bad start.

You don't just go up to
the first redneck you see

and hope for the best.

- You have to go back this away.
- Okay.

And you'll see a field out there
that raise produce and stuff in.

- Okay.
- They're also not writing anything down.

There's no way these
two can remember

everything this guy's saying.

And out on the left, you'll
see some bar pits, barns,

picnic tables, see an
old tractor down in there.

There's a tree
that had been hit by

- lightning in there.
- Okay.

I think I just heard the words
"lighting tree". We're in big trouble.

Lightning tree, to
produce, to tractor

- to curve road...
- Right.

Pass the store to
the tar pit around

- to where it curves to where it's closed.
- Right.

- And then we're there.
- Right.

Huh?

I have a feeling we're
going to be driving for awhile.

- All right.
- All right.

- Thank you!
- Thank you!

All right, ya'll welcome.

- Did you get that?
- No.

Well, did you figure it out?

- No.
- I think we got it!

Rutlage store, to tomato
patch, to lightning tree.

I think you just go that way.

Yeah, just turn around,
we passed it, I think.

Did he show you
where on the map?

You see, I don't
see as many here.

I think they got confused
over this desert up here.

Ha ha ha.

Ain't enough water
in the Sahara Desert.

Now here, oh! It's
a nesting ground.

They're having a family reunion.

Yup, even the great,
great grandkids are in there!

All right, ready?

Just don't tell me when
you're going to do it.

- Don't get it on my face.
- I'm not going first.

Make it a secret.

When you have beards and
as much hair as my family does,

it's not a matter of if you're
going to get lice, it's when.

- Okay.
- Don't put it on my face.

- Oh! Wow!
- Whoa!

The up side to this,
is there's no person

on the planet more
qualified to kill lice

- than my mom.
- Oh!

- This close to throwing up.
- Look at the chunks!

Here we go, ah!

The smell is the only downside

to Kay's home remedies,
and it's a big downside.

Now we have to
go with the beards.

You got to put it
in the beards, boys!

- Be gentle.
- Yup, I hear them screamin' boys.

Here comes the baby. Mmm.

Now you wish you didn't
have a beard, don't you?

Don't throw up, if you throw
up, it's gonna be a chain reaction.

Most of the things in her
concoction, I don't know what they are.

And I don't want to know.

Now you're not even
going to be able to see this,

- it's the same color as your...
- Yeah, you can't even tell

your treatment, you got one!

But I know this. When
you're going in a vehicle,

and somebody breaks wind,
you roll the window down.

There's no way to
roll this down, it's here.

Here's the best news, boys, we
only have to do this three times.

- Do what?
- I can't do it.

Jep, you're such an idiot.

- All right, Si, - What?

Now come on, bud, I'm
serious. I'm going to help you.

No, no, I do not have them.

- I'm comin'...
- No! Stay back, I ain't infected!

Fish are jumping!

I know, they need to hurry up!

- I'm getting worried about them.
- Me, too.

How much longer do you think
we should wait 'till we call someone?

Well, we don't have our phones, so it
doesn't look like that's going to happen.

- Good point.
- They made it!

Finally!

That was the longest
car ride I've ever been in.

Well, if you'd have read the map
better we'd have been here earlier.

But you gave us the wrong one.

That was part of the
challenge, y'all failed.

- It was so old!
- It wasn't old, it was fine.

Well, that took forever!
No doubt my boys are

thinking technology could
have avoided this mess.

So how did you finally make it?

We ended up stopping
at a gas station and

talking to a man who
gave us directions

and now, we're here.

Now more than
ever we need to win

without technology
or I'm at risk of losing

my kids to gadgetry for good.

Luckily it's fishing time! And
you're looking at a pro angler.

Plus, we're in a small lake
so no one's getting lost...

maybe.

So quiet out here.

If we had our phones
we could play music.

Let's just enjoy the
peace and quiet.

- So kids, this is fun, isn't it?
- Oh yeah.

- Who needs cell phones, right?
- No distractions.

- I'm not even using the fish finder.
- What's the fish finder?

- Tells you where the fish are.
- You might need to invest in that.

Bella, how many
fish have you caught?

Zero.

- Mom, how many have you caught?
- Zero.

How many have you
caught, John Luke?

- I'm stuck on this log.
- Woo-hoo!

We're having fun now!

Oh, crap!

So, kids, this is fun, isn't it?

- It's a blast!
- Who needs cell phones, right?

- Yeah.
- Woo-hoo!

- Ya'll catching any, guys?
- Nope.

- This is kind of impossible.
- Nobody wants this... bait.

- I haven't even had a nibble.
- Where are all the fish?

No fish want this bait.

Oh I got one, I got one!

Look how little! Aw.

Until we caught our first fish,

it was starting to look like our tech
time out was going to be a tech wipe out.

- Got one!
- You did?

- Look, I got one!
- Oh, John Luke caught one!

Oh, good one, John Luke!

I'm glad I was able
to teach my kids

that you can have
fun without your phone.

Oh!

- Rowdy, you got something?
- Yeah, I got one!

- You got one?
- Holy cow!

- Oh god!
- Wow!

Today we all learned
that catching a fish

is a lot more satisfying
than catching a Pokémon.

- Wow!
- Oh, yeah!

Look at this sucker!
Unless we're talking

about Snorlax,
because he's super rare.

Korie, we got to
take a picture of this!

But we don't have our phones!

This is why we need our phones!

We probably should have
just kept at least one phone.

We can take a mental picture.

I'm going to get this guy
to take a picture of this fish!

Okay, yeah, we got
to document that!

Hey, bro, can you take
a picture of this fish!

- Yeah!
- Dad, you can't do that,

that's against the rules.

- Is there an exception?
- All right.

I got to admit, the
whole tech time out,

turned into a pretty good
lesson, and not just for my kids.

Got it!

I'm going to give you my
number to send it to me.

I appreciate it, bud. I thought
they were the only ones

attached to their electronics.

Let me see the picture. Before
I realized, I was guilty as well.

Aw, that's awesome! Oh, crap!

- What?
- LSU's losing.

- Oh, my goodness.
- But when it comes to LSU playing,

the tiger trumps no
tech. Any day of the week.

All right, I think we all
got the point of tech week.

I think we should end it, we all
understand, we had fun without it.

Kids, did everybody learn
their lesson about cell phones?

Yes, sir.

All right, then ya'll get
your cell phones back.

- Sweet!
- Finally.

But ya'll need to figure
out how to get us home.

- Aw, man!
- That stinks.

When I'm in the grocery store
and people get next to me,

I can tell they're
smelling my hair.

- The chunks were the worst part.
- I know,

you got to get that recipe.

- You're sick!
- That stuff was good!

I don't even want to
think about it. Nope, nope.

How do you feel, Si?

Y'all are sadistic!

Hey, I'll tell you what's
worse than having lice.

It's being in a
stupid space suit.

Hey, all you had to
do was cut your hair...

Look, hey, I told
ya'll I had it before.

No.

They got me in the
suit, like a caged animal,

drinking tea through
a small straw.

But it's a small price
to pay not to smell

like you've been pulled
through a toilet backwards.

Look, Si, take the treatment,

get your hair cut off,
or just one time say,

"Luke, I am your father."

Luke, I'm your father.

Look, but I am
wondering one thing,

why do they make these suits
out of such a itchy material?

- So I can come out of this...
- No!

- No!
- No!

Oh no!

What's up with that?

Where'd you find
the hat there, fat boy!

- I found it outside.
- Did you not check your phone?

I'm off the grid,
I have no phone.

You didn't get
any of the emails?

No, it's been quite enjoyable.
I've been living life off the grid.

- You've been living life?
- Take... Take that off.

- Well, guess what!
- You're going to be doing a lot of this.

- Yeah.
- That hat you got...

is infected.

You got lice, bro!

Lice.

- God!
- You got the lice, bro.

- I just had lice!
- Take the hat!

Hey, ya'll better leave, 'cause
I'm coming out of this puppy.

No. No. No. We had
a deal, we had a deal!

- Don't!
- I'm out of here!

Godwin, you can't get infected.

Somebody burn that hat.

Good grief!

I'm going to have to teach these
guys some respect for their elders.

Father, we're so thankful
to be in your presence,

we're so thankful for this family, all
the blessings you've given us, Father.

Thank you for keeping us safe,

thank you so much for this
food, and all the many blessings

that you've showered upon us.
Through Jesus we pray, amen.

Amen!

All right, let's get on
these stash potatoes here!

We're often faced with
things that irritate us in life,

whether it's our families overuse
of technology or an outbreak of lice.

But if you sit back
and ignore the problem,

it's only going to get worse,
you have to face things head on,

and when it comes to lice,

smelly, gross, goop
covered head on.

The most important thing is
that you lean on each other

to overcome these problems.

Unless you have
lice, in that case,

you probably should not be
leaning on anyone or anything.

Hey Memaw, you added
extra garlic to the potatoes.

Nope, that would be me.