Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 10, Episode 6 - Half in the Bag - full transcript

- All right, we got it all?
- I think we did.

What are you making
for dinner tonight?

I dunno. I was
thinking about hot dogs.

Remember when we
used to do hot dogs? Hello.

All right. Let's check out.

Wait. Is that Si

- in the in the grocery shirt?
- All right.

- Thank you so much.
- What's he doing here?

Look, thank you
for shopping with us.

- Hey!
- What are you doing?

What's it look like I'm
doing? I'm bagging groceries.



Are you working here?

- Yeah, part-time.
- Willie, did you fire Si?

No, I didn't fire Si.

Look, hey, bagging groceries
has always been my dream job.

But before that could happen,

Uncle Sam pointed his
finger at me and said,

"Hey, I want you to
go serve this country."

Plus, hey, it's my dream job.

This is your dream job?

When I came back, I ended up
getting a job with Duck Commander.

But look, I still
wanted to be bagging.

Hey, it's a fun job.

I meet a lot of interesting
and nice people. Like ya'll.

- You-you know us, Si.
- Si, you're my uncle.



Look, they say you can't
teach an old dog new tricks...

- Paper or plastic?
- Plastic of course.

No, you want paper, sir.

That's because,
hey, he's a dog, okay.

Look, I'm a human being.

You asked me which
one I wanted and that...

Trust me. Hey, trust me
when I tell you, you want paper.

But hey, I still am old.

- Si, be careful with those eggs.
- Okay.

Si, uh, okay. I don't...

Don't put the
eggs at the bottom.

- I need a cart on aisle two.
- Oh my gosh.

I got his, okay.

- Si. Si, Si.
- What?

When it comes to Si, you can
always expect the unexpected.

But this is unexpectedly
unexpected.

Cream cheese? Good grief, son.

You're buying enough cream cheese
here, you could start your own factory.

It's also
surprisingly insulting.

We're gonna need
another shopping cart.

- Big shopper here.
- Si!

A heavy shopper, I should say.

There are really only two things
you can't do as grocery bagger.

Put the eggs on the
bottom of the bag,

and tell fat jokes.

I can't emphasize
no fat jokes enough.

- Thank you, Melodie.
- You're so welcome.

Well sir, I hope you
enjoyed shopping with us.

- We'll talk about this tomorrow.
- All right, let me go ahead

- and walk you out to your car, sir.
- Si, I don't need your help.

What do you mean
you don't need my help?

I don't need your help. Si!

Hey, get off your horn.

- Is Si not here yet?
- No.

He ain't been here
all morning. Why?

I have got the
story of all stories.

- What happened to him?
- Well, guess what I saw yesterday.

- What?
- One, Mr. Si Robertson,

bagging groceries
at the grocery store.

His own groceries
or somebody else's?

He bagged my groceries.

Why did he choose
grocery bagging?

Well, he is a strange guy.

What are you doing in my seat?

You weren't here. I didn't...

What, were you watching
Bagger Vance or something?

Were you watching movies?

Bilbo Baggins.

Hey, don't listen
to what they say,

Bag-atha Christie. It's cool.

Ya'll a bunch of idiots anyway.

Look, these stupid
idiots, they're just jealous,

because none of them
ever followed their dreams.

Would that make
your wife the bag lady?

Yeah, okay. That's real funny.

Look, hey, any idiot can
sit here making jokes.

- What's my favorite kind of bread?
- Bag-ette.

Where am I gonna go
on vacation next year?

Bag-dad.

Who's my favorite actor?
Ed Bag-ley of course.

Si, if you were a boxer, you'd
be Marvelous Marvin Bag-ler.

Okay, fat boy there has the
let the cat out of the bag, huh?

Look, when it's
double coupon day,

and the conveyor belt
is baring down on you...

Hey, it's no laughing
matter, boys.

Bagging groceries is a science.

Plus, you can learn
a lot about people.

Take fat boy there
for example, okay.

He comes up there,

he's got three
shopping carts, all right.

The last one is full of
nothing but cream cheese.

- It wasn't three shopping carts.
- Tell me...

- It was that much cream...
- Yeah.

- You need to go back to work.
- Yeah.

Well, now that you've
got out my chair, I will.

I mean, I always
thought bagging groceries

was something that
any person could do.

- Bonk! Wrong! It's also a sport.
- Si. Huh?

As a matter of fact, they've got
a competition coming up, okay?

Find out who the fastest,
most efficient bagger is.

And I'm gonna
win that sucker too.

- I'll take bets on that.
- Hey, ya'll don't understand.

I'm gonna go take
a bathroom break.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

- All right. See you, bagman.
- Mmm-hmm.

So what time we
going to Brookshire's?

Soon as we get off here.

I'm gonna go buy the
heaviest thing they got.

You know, at Meemaw Kay's table,

we never have phones out.

- Remember?
- Phones up. Phones up, kids.

- It's a rule.
- Will, how was the dance you went to?

Were you impressing the
ladies with your dance moves?

- I feel like I was.
- Do you have a signature dance or?

- Oh yeah.
- What was your dance of the night?

"The Quan." And
"Whip and Nae Nae."

- And...
- I've never heard of these.

And...

- What's wrong?
- What's up?

Are you okay?

What happened?

Are you about to
puke or something.

Ew. Are you okay?

I just broke half my tooth off.

- You broke half your tooth?
- No you didn't.

Yea, that's it, right there.

Oh my gosh, you really did.

Disgusting.

It's cause you're
a terrible eater.

You have to go to the dentist.

- I don't like going to the dentist.
- Are you scared of the dentist?

I'm not scared of dentists.

They're good, friendly people
who provide a valuable service.

I have never seen you, in
my whole life, go to the dentist.

But I'm slightly scared of the
extreme pain that dentists can cause.

One time he cried.

I didn't cry at the dentist.

Oh yeah, your eyes
were just watering.

It's kind of like how,
I'm not scared of cars,

but I wouldn't wanna
get run over by one.

And then, he punched
the dentist right in the face.

Okay! It was like 30
years ago, all right.

Well, did it happen?

I mean, that damage
is already done.

It's not like I even need to
go to the dentist at this point.

Well, you're going
to the dentist.

I'm not taking him.

I'm not going to the dentist.

- I'm telling mom.
- Don't tell mom.

Go to the dentist.

That's bad for you
there, young lady.

- Except the mac 'n cheese.
- What?

All right, now we're
getting to the good stuff.

- Green beans.
- Come on, Si. We're backing up here.

Looky here. I see him. Man!

Is this it?

What are you idiots doing here?

Si, I just had to
see it for myself.

Look, last time I noticed,

ya'll was making
fun of me at the shop.

Hey, ya'll can leave,
all right? I'm working.

Look, these idiots don't have any
respect for a professional bagman.

Look, the whole
bagging game, okay...

Hey, it's built on laser focus.

Hey, slow down, you're
gonna dent that can.

Hey, don't squash that chicken.

Don't be squashing that chicken.

Look, do I sit there and crack jokes
while they're working at their job?

Of course I do, okay?

Because my jokes are funny.

Si, can I talk to
you for a minute.

Si, you're in trouble.

Look, these guys, I'm telling
you, they're like a paper bag

that won't come open.
They're annoying to me, okay.

They're slowing me
down. All right, and look,

I wanna shake 'em, okay,
till they stop aggravating me.

Go ahead and say what
you got on your mind.

- Well, Si, it's not working out.
- What do you mean?

Uh, you still bagging poorly,

you broke over thirty
dollars’ worth of product,

you're yelling
across the front end,

you got people
hanging out in the store-

Hey! I don't know these idiots.

Si, I'm gonna
have to let you go.

Well, hey look, I'm still in for
the bagging competition, right?

No, that's not
gonna work either.

Nice working with
you though. Superman.

All right, Leon, me... Me
and you are still good, man.

Hey, send me a bill for
that stuff that I owe you.

- You just got fired?
- Yeah, I got fired.

- Did you really?
- Because of you knuckleheads.

Hey, I wanted to win that
bagging competition, son.

But I can't now.

My bad on that.

Cookies are ready! Woot! Woot!

Oh, yum.

- I've got ice cream.
- Ooh.

Hey, finish your...
Polynesian stuff.

Polynomials - Willie.

- What?
- What kind of ice cream do you want?

- I think I'm good.
- You don't want ice cream?

- Have you lost your mind?
- I'm good.

I just... I ain't
feeling it tonight.

- I know why he doesn't wanna eat any.
- Why?

Today, at the Duck Diner,

Dad chipped his tooth
while eating duck legs.

What? You chipped your tooth?

Well Willie, you
gotta go to the dentist,

you can't just
leave it like that.

I don't need to
go to the dentist.

Why would I go to the dentist?

Because you have chipped tooth,
and you're not eating because of it.

He's scared of the dentist.

Well, I'm sorry.

You're not still
scared of the dentist?

- Bearded men can be scared.
- I'm not scared of the dentist.

Now that Korie knows
I have a broken tooth,

there's not turning back
from a trip to the dentist.

I'll call the dentist.

I gotta take Bella to get
her braces off in the morning.

- Woot, woot!
- So right after that,

we can just stop by
Dr. Finland's office.

I'm not sure, I may have
something to do tomorrow.

You have nothing to do tomorrow.

I really have no other
option at this point,

but to suck it up
and take it like a man.

Bella's not scared
to take her braces off.

That doesn't even hurt.

Or I could pack my
bags and run away.

I'll sleep on it.

Okay, if I go to the
dentist, you have to go too.

Deal.

That was more of a
deal for dad to make.

- I thought we were...
- I'm makin' the deal.

- It'll be like a daddy-daughter date.
- Oh, sweet.

With drills, super
pain and drugs.

- That's not a daddy-daughter date.
- They give you the drugs

so you won't have pain.

Yeah, they just put
some shots in your mouth.

Don't worry, babe,
I'll hold your hand.

I'll hold your hand, too.

Jep, what is this?

This is for Si.

I'm gonna make
him a good bagger.

He got fired. He's
out of the competition.

I realize that. So that's why I'm
setting up another competition.

We're gonna help him and
he's gonna be a good bagger.

I've researched
this. How to do it.

I watched a lot of videos on
YouTube about bagging competitions.

I'm trying to get
prepared for this.

- Who's coming?
- I got two kids from Brookshire's.

- Free Duck Commander shirts.
- That was easy.

Well, I mean, I watched a few.

Then I clicked on a video of a guy
putting a glow stick in a microwave.

- I mean, what's he gonna win?
- He might win his job back.

I actually have Leo
coming, the manager.

- Really?
- Yeah.

And that kind of led
to some other videos...

Anyway, I got the gist of it.

- There he is!
- What are you idiots doing out here?

You're back, baby.

What is this crap here?

He's organized a competition.

So. Why do I care?

Because your manager, your
old boss, is going to be here.

Leon's going to be here?

- I think his name is Leo?
- Yeah, it was on his name tag.

- It said, "Leo."
- I didn't see an N.

Was the N silent?

- Whatever.
- This is redemption time.

And who am I gonna bag against?

I got some boys from
Brookshire's coming.

Do not be kidding about this.
Or I will pop a cap on ya'lls butt.

I'm not kidding. Don't
pop anything on me.

- Then I'm in.
- Well, let's get to work then.

- Back in.
- He's in.

Let's get to work.

Look, I knew these
guys would come around,

and finally appreciate
my skills as a bagger.

Si, these are your
secret weapon right here.

And what are these
secret weapon for?

- Old people with arthritis.
- What if I don't have arthritis.

Oh you got it.

Go!

I wish they would've come
around before they got me fired.

- What is it?
- Peanut butter.

- What is it?
- Can.

Can of what?

But hey, better late than never.

- Woo!
- I read somewhere

that you need ten
thousand hours of practice

to become an expert at anything.

- What is it?
- Oh, that's Willie's cream cheese.

In this bagging deal, I got
about four under my belt.

Hopefully, that'll be enough.

This thing is a piece of junk.

I got this competition
in the bag.

- Are you ready for real now?
- Oh, that wasn't for real?

- Not for real.
- Well, wait. I gotta get a bag.

- On my whistle. Are you ready?
- Yup.

That's what I'm talking
about, boys. We got a champ.

Willie, you've been
so nervous all morning.

- I'm fine.
- It's so ridiculous.

I'm at peace with whatever
happens to me today.

- Oh, my gosh.
- If this is it.

If this is the way I gotta
go, this the way I go.

They're just fixing your tooth.

I've seen stuff online,
and it can get very bad,

- really quickly.
- Come on, dad.

I just got my braces
off. You got this.

Braces are nothing. You
didn't break half your tooth off.

Well, hey there, Willie.

- Hey! Hey, doc.
- How are you today?

I'm here.

None of my excuses
worked on Korie.

So here we are at the dentist
to get my broken tooth fixed.

Are we going to do
the gas and stuff?

Well, I'm just gonna
look at your tooth first.

- Okay.
- Let's see what's going on, okay?

I'm gonna lean
you back, all right?

But you're not...
You're just looking.

- I'm gonna look and see what's going on.
- He's just looking, babe.

- They're just looking.
- Bella's held up

her end of the deal by
getting her braces removed.

And now it's my turn to
get in the torture chair.

I mean, dentist's chair.

All right, can you open for
me? Can you open for me?

- Mmm hmm.
- All right, just give it a try.

- Is that just the mirror?
- Just the mirror, yeah, you're good.

I know I need to get this tooth fixed, but
let’s just say I've got some trust issues

when it comes to dentists.

And their creepy
medieval looking tools.

There it is, right there.

- That's just the q-tip.
- That hurt.

I mean, seriously,

why haven't dentist tools
changed in the last 100 years?

You'd think they'd have freakin'
lasers do this stuff by now.

All we're going to have
to do today is that crown.

Let's do it. Let's just
knock it out today.

- No, we're not right now.
- Right this minute.

Yeah, we just
need to do it, babe.

- Don't we need some time to...
- Nope.

No time like the present.

But I'm totally
normal right now.

- OK, what we'll do...
- I feel pain right now.

Can we try some
happy gas on him?

- Laughing gas?
- Yeah. Give him...

- How's that?
- Give him whatever.

- Turn it on wide open.
- Okay.

All right, we're gonna put this
little thing on your nose here.

I'm not gonna wake up and
have a crazy grill or anything, am I?

Hey, Willie.

Let's take this
laughing gas off here.

All right, you did great.
That was fantastic.

How you feel?

Did you get the duck
put on this tooth?

You put a duck on my tooth?

Yeah. You got a duck
logo on your tooth.

- You did that?
- No, you did that.

You wanted a whole
zoo in your mouth.

You wanted like a squirrel in
your front teeth and everything.

Do I have a squirrel
in my front tooth?

I didn't put a squirrel
on your front tooth,

but we did get a duck
on your back tooth.

We compromised.

Let’s show Korie
what it looks like, okay.

Let me see.

There you go. Right there.

Oh, wow!

You're probably the only person
in the world that has that, babe.

It's probably not a
good idea to make

big decisions while
you're on laughing gas.

Maybe there's
some brilliance there.

I got an idea.

I got tattoos on my arms,
I'll get one on my teeth.

I could do exactly that.
We make the crown here.

And I can glue it on in
maybe in about 30-45 minutes.

Apparently once I found
out that he put logos on teeth

that changed
everything. A squirrel.

- A squirrel?
- A squirrel.

Okay.

Willie would get a
tattoo on his forehead

if it were socially acceptable.

Nah, I wouldn't.

I guess I could get a tattoo
on the lower part of my face

because I have a beard.
You wouldn't be able to see it.

Well, that wouldn't...
What's the point?

Mike Tyson had a face tattoo.

That's weird.

All right. Well,
we'll go get the car.

We'll pull the car around, okay?

All right, you look good,
babe. You did great.

Can I get the One
Direction logo on my teeth?

What?! No.

Welcome to the First
Annual Bagmaster Classic.

All right, there's
three criteria.

There's speed,
efficiency, and technique.

Whoever can master
these three things,

shall be the champion.

First up, John, aka Superman.

You better watch out, because
he's Superman for a reason.

For Si to come out victorious,
he's gonna need three things.

Ready? Set.

Got to go! Got to go!

He needs laser focus...

I like it. I like it.

Doing pretty good.
Doing pretty good.

Pure determination...

Fifty-one seconds.

Fifty-one seconds.

And for the other baggers
to spontaneously combust

before the results are in.

Next up, Demarcus D Swoll.

Ready!

- Wow, look at him.
- This is like chess,

- with groceries.
- Very nice.

When you look
at the contestants,

you have these young
whipper-snappers.

- Oh nice.
- The reach over!

These guys are younger.

He's got three bags,
he's doing pretty good.

- They're stronger.
- There you go.

Get it in there. Come on.

They have more quickness.

Thirty-nine seconds.
Very nice time.

You look at Si, you think...

Do what?

Exactly.

Next up, last but
not least, Silas.

All right, come on, Si!

Demarcus, you're going
down like the rodeo clown, son.

- Come on.
- Means you're in trouble.

Ready...

Did anybody ever tell you
about how pretty your eyes are?

Who's he talkin' to?

- He's talking to a customer.
- Emerald green.

- That's a good move.
- Keep talkin', Si!

My cat has got yellow eyes.

Look. The last time I checked,

customer interaction is
a key point of bagging.

Ma'am, have you got
the coupon for this?

This is a two for one sale,
if you've got the coupon.

You do? Good work.

Talk while you bag! Speed!

Smart shoppin'.

Look, that's what separates us
from being some kinda bagging robot.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Look, if that was
all there was to it,

hey, we would just turn the
conveyor built wide open, okay,

and let it sling all the
groceries into a net.

Hey, then you'd just put it
in your pack, throw it the cart.

Roll 'em outside.

Put it in there.

Boo-yah!

- What is it?
- One minute, fifty-three seconds.

One minute, fifty-three
seconds? Gah!

Maybe I should've practiced
more than an hour after all.

The numbers have been tallied.

And we have a winner.

With a score of 9
of 10 in efficiency,

the winner goes to
Mr. Demarcus Ewing.

- Shocker.
- Woo-hoo! In your face!

- Congratulations, Demarcus.
- Ooh.

- However...
- However.

I would like to commend Si, you
really have improved as a bagger.

Why, I appreciate that.

I would like to extend
you a job offer today.

Look, I may have
lost the competition,

but at least Deon knows now,

hey, I have what it takes to
dawn the red polo shirt again.

- Under one condition.
- What condition?

- You must shave the beard.
- No.

Shave my beard...
for a bagging job?

Are you kidding me?

I appreciate the offer
there, Leon or Leo.

- It is always there.
- Leo.

- It's Leo, by the way.
- Leo.

Who does Leon
think he is anyway?

This thing is priceless.

All right, let's
get back to work.

Guys. Hey, ya'll gotta
check this tooth out.

- No thanks.
- Hey guys...

We gotta get back to work.

Thanks for coming,
ya'll. Thanks for coming.

What's the deal? Nobody
wants to see a tooth?

Hey! Who had the groceries
out in the warehouse?

- Jep.
- Si.

- That's Jep's.
- Come clean this crap up.

Father, we thank you for
adopting us as your children.

We're not taking it for granted,

this food that we
are thanking you for.

We do appreciate it.

In the name of Jesus, I pray.

- Amen.
- Amen.

Let’s get on these
chicken pot pies!

You're never too old to try
something outside your comfort zone.

Whether that's exploring
a new profession,

or facing a fear.

And even if your family thinks your
dreams or fears are a bit irrational,

it helps to know that no matter
what, you have their support.

Whether it's setting up
a bagging competition,

or holding your
hand at the dentist.

That support won't ever fade.

In fact, it's as permanent as a
duck tattoo on your back molar.

Hey Willie, pass
the cream cheese.

Si, there's no cream cheese!