Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 10, Episode 10 - Children of the Cornbread - full transcript

- Ah, this is lame.
- What're you talkin' 'bout?

We hadn't seen a
duck in like, two hours.

You know what that
means? They're due.

Jep, did you get one
of them smart watches?

Yes. 62 degrees today.

You can get all that same
information on your phone, Jep.

You can talk on this thing.

You know, I'm just
like "hey, what's up."

Just pick up your phone
and talk on the phone.

It's way easier. See, I got
it right here on my wrist.

Your phone's sittin'
right beside ya.



I don't wanna look at my
phone, I wanna look at my watch.

It's awesome.

My watch tells me how
many steps I've taken.

I'm surprised there's
not an alarm going off

saying "not enough..."

- "Not enough?"
- Shoot.

- Not enough.
- I walked a lot of steps today,

okay? And now I'm gonna reward
myself with eating cornbread.

Mom's cornbread.

Oh, I'll have some of that.

Oh, it is the best in the world.

Nope.

So whose is better?

Missy.



Yeah.

- Did you just say Missy?
- Yes.

Have you lost your mind?

Look, it's pretty
much impossible

to make better
cornbread than my mom.

But I'm here to tell ya that
the impossible has happened.

Mom's was the best, and
now Missy has ascended

to the Queen of cornbread.

I don't even know
what's happened to you.

Sorry mom. You're still
the Queen of meatloaf.

Nobody's arguing that.

Once you eat Missy's
cornbread there's no goin' back.

You can keep
living in the matrix

as long as you want to, son.

This is the best cornbread.

Jessica's ain't bad.
It's got flax seed,

- something weird in it.
- Sh-sh.

Flax seed? Does it
have cheese and bacon?

- No.
- Well, then it tastes like crap.

- You're eatin' like...
- It's a healthy choice.

If you're trying to be healthy
you don't eat cornbread.

- Are y'all gonna hunt?
- No cheese, no bacon?

- No.
- Y'all are ridiculous.

It's a little plain.
On the plain side.

That makes me wanna
vomit just thinking about it.

So mom, you want
all this stuff to go?

Yeah. I've got tons more, too.

- Oh, no doubt. Lord knows...
- That's only the tip

of the iceberg.

Lord knows you could
get rid of some stuff.

Oh, here we go.

- Oh well, look what the cat drug up.
- We got 'em.

Why we doin' laundry
on the counter?

- We're going through clothes.
- Kay, is this yours?

- Yeah.
- Willie's likin' it.

Gonna keep that for lounge wear.

When are the pies
gonna be ready?

Willie just ate about
eight pounds of cornbread.

So I don't know why
he's hungry for pie.

Kay, he said awhile ago

that Missy's cornbread's
better than yours.

That's funny.

Look, I trust Jase's
opinion on a few things,

but food is not one of them.

It's the greatest
cornbread ever.

Jase's so skinny he doesn't
know what good food is anymore.

I mean, just look at this guy. He
weighs like a buck fifty at most.

You cook everything else better,

- Thank you.
- But just this one issue.

You've gotta few one issues.

I'm not sure what Missy's so called
famous ingredient is in her cornbread,

but by looking at Jase, I
can tell you with confidence

that it doesn't
have enough butter.

Therefore it's not
good cornbread.

Enough said.

- Jase, you've lost your mind.
- Let's put it to the test.

I'll put Lisa's cornbread
up against anybody's.

Why don't y'all just
bring 'em all together

and have a cornbread contest.

- When we doin' it? Tomorrow?
- Let's do it.

I better call Missy.

Y'all should try Jessica's
flax seed cornbread.

Jep, Jessica's
cornbread is terrible.

It's-it's decent.

Where is Si, man?

- Taking forever.
- Probably in the bathroom.

- Or asleep somewhere.
- Lazier than normal.

Si? Come on.

- Hey.
- What's takin' you so long, dude?

Look, at my age, you
don't do nothin' fast.

Are you gonna have
another heart attack?

Well, I hope not.

- I done had one.
- You're movin' really slow.

You should take supplements.

- You talkin' about steroids?
- No.

You know what's better
than supplements?

- What?
- Deer antler makes you feel better.

Vijay Singh, golfer used it
and won on the PGA tour at 52.

Y'all making this up.

- No, I ain't kidding. Yeah.
- It's a real thing.

- A stupid deer antler?
- Yeah.

People are always
tryin' to scam me

with these, you know,
mountain of youth miracle cures.

I fell off a dump truck,
but it wasn't last night.

What?

It's all natural HGH.
Well, that's what I heard.

What's HGH?

- Human growth hormone.
- I think it's just GH though,

- cause deer wouldn't have H.
- Yeah. DGH.

What are you talkin' about?

But, hey, on the other hand,

what's the worst
thing can happen?

I also hear it's
good for your libido.

Uh oh.

Look, that ship's
done sailed and sunk.

Them days are over.

It's not like I got anything
to lose. I've already lost it.

Si, you gotta try something.
I mean, you're doin' nothing.

Well, hey look, I'll
try the deer antlers.

- Will you?
- Yeah.

- That's awesome.
- You got nothing to lose.

But right now, I'm pooped,
so I'm gonna go take a nap.

All right.

I don't know if any of
this mess' gonna work.

Trying to get more
energy outta Si

may be like trying to get grape
juice out of a raisin, you know?

- Yeah.
- Si is a little raisiny.

Yeah, he's like a big prune.

Well, this should
settle it once and for all.

Yeah, we're gonna
settle it. I'm gonna win.

Three men enter, one man leaves.

We're all leaving we're not...

I mean, I'm just saying.

We should weed out who
shouldn't be here for sure.

Winner winner cornbread dinner.

Let's do this.

Look, in this family we
have a very simple way

of solving disagreements.
We compete.

Over and over and over.

All right. So here's the deal.

So we got the
cornbread in each cup.

Names are on the bottom.
We're gonna do the taste test,

we're gonna be blindfolded.

Cornbread may seem
like a silly thing to fight over.

But you know what ain't silly?

Honor.

Family.

Respect. Warm butter.

Golden crust.

Cheese.

God, I'm gettin' hungry.

Ya hear my stomach growl?

Y'all ready to go dark?

Wait a minute now.

I'm not sure I
understand the rules.

What we need is
an impartial judge.

- That's what blindfolds are for.
- That's right.

Because people
don't trust people.

- So...
- Stupid. That's all stupid.

Going dark, boys.

For the record, this is stupid.

- Well, for the record, you're stupid.
- Agreed.

- Okay, ready?
- Let's start this.

All right, first piece in.

Contestant number one.

Mm.

Mm.

Mm-mm.

Here's what I look
for in good cornbread.

I need fluffy corn mix,

whatever's in there,

with the saltiness of the bacon,

with just a hint,
slight kiss of jalapeno,

that's super moist,

but that also has a
crunch on the outside.

That was good.

Hmm-mm. That's out.

Number two.

Mm.

Meaty.

The key to cornbread

is to have the crunch
in the right places.

Number three.

Oh wow.

And finally you have
to have some heat.

Oh boy.

Whoa.

- This one's very hot.
- Yeah. I like it.

- Wow.
- All right.

- Done.
- Ready?

It wasn't even close.

This is my winner right here.

- Clearly, this is the winner.
- This is the winner.

- Kay.
- Missy.

- Loser.
- Lisa.

All right, well, we've
solved nothing here.

I just thought you'd be unbiased
and pick the best one, but no.

You look like a
cornbread gang member.

All right, I'm going
to the bathroom.

I recommend us getting way
away from wherever he's headed.

God, my stomach's killin' me.

Well, y'all just
come on round here

I'll show you what I got. Mmm.

Oh, Mountain Man, you always
have no shortage of stuff, do you?

- Hey look, a yo-yo.
- Lotta junk.

- What we got, Mountain Man?
- I'll show you, Si.

I'm gonna fix you right up.

You're gonna be Hercules
before you know it.

You know that phrase
pert as a ruttin' buck?

You'll be just like that.

You'll be doin' things you
never thought you could do.

Well hey, we're gonna find out.

Look, they say deer antlers

give you strength and endurance.

Here comes the gold mine, boy.

That's it. I told you.

Gold right there, pa.

I'm not as young
as I used to be.

Yup, mm-hmm.

I'm not a young
whippersnapper anymore.

All right, mountain dog,
you got a saw around here?

There you go. Get
after it, Hercules.

All right, boy.

Hey look,

if there's anything to
this deer antler stuff,

okay, hey, I'll be
pumped up in no time.

His knee is directly
under that saw blade.

I just hope it don't slip.

Look, I'm not a doctor, but
I'm pretty sure deer antlers

are not gonna
help Si's condition.

Oh, this ain't got no
teeth on it, Mountain Man.

- Hey.
- And by condition,

I mean stubborn, old, and lazy.

- Meeting, meeting.
- Huddle.

I think I gotta plan.

What we do is, we get Si to think
he's the strongest man in the world

because he's taken
this deer antler.

- Strong like bull.
- Yes.

But in this case
strong like deer.

Yeah. Strong like deer.

I don't know if
chewing on deer antler

is gonna turn Si into The Hulk.

He'll be posin' in
front of a mirror.

He'll be walkin'
around there saying

"Christine, feel that."

But I know it's gonna be
really fun for the rest of us.

Hey, Si, by the time you
get done with this stuff

you'll just be able to
pick that up and break it.

Deer antlers.

Super charge.

Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.

I think I got all
of these, boys.

You gonna pay the man?

Appreciate it, Mountain Man.

- That's it?
- There ain't no money in this hand.

Wait a minute here.

Hey, I gotta test
the product huh?

This is got a 30 day guaranteed.

- Or your money back.
- Or your money back.

Well, I think you
have to give the money

before you can get it back.

No.

Deer antlers.

Super charged.

- Hurry up.
- All right, these two boxes

I've already replaced
with newspaper.

Making these
like, the light ones.

So make sure he's gotta
get one of these three.

This sounds like fun.

I'm not really concerned
about pulling this prank off on Si.

One time we had him convinced
Middle Earth was a real place.

He's been chewing
on deer antler all day.

Dude, he's gonna
think he's so strong.

Then he tried to book a flight
there, and figured out it didn't exist.

So earlier these boxes
weighed like 30 pounds.

- Now they weigh like five.
- Hurry up.

And now that we've
tampered with the heavy boxes

and made them each
about 30 pounds lighter,

he's gonna think he
turned into The Hulk

as soon as he picks one up.

Here he comes, here
he comes, here he comes.

Hey, you guys are
not gonna believe this.

- What?
- Okay.

Since I've been chewing
on this stupid deer antler

for the past 24 hours,
I'm telling you it's working.

I woke up this morning not
a pain or ache in my body.

- Well, that sure was fast.
- What was fast was

what happened in the
bathroom this morning.

The only thing I
can compare it to

is like a log ride at
the amusement park.

Shwoosh!

Well, that's an
unexpected benefit.

Boys, I'm telling you, I
feel like I'm about 55 again.

- How's your libido?
- It's still like the Titanic.

At the bottom of the ocean.

Before too long you might
get a little wind in your sails.

I doubt that. Load it up.

Si, dude you're strong.
You could pick these up now.

Look, hey, I know what
these clowns have been up to.

These idiots couldn't
pull off a good prank

if their lives depended on it.

I like where you're head's at.

- Hand that thing over there.
- Let me hold that for you.

Let's see.

- Oh!
- Woah.

No problem.

Rule one, okay, look,
never plan the prank...

We get Si to think he's, like,
the strongest man in the world.

When the person
you're trying to prank

is sitting 10 feet
away from you.

- Put another one on there, Jep.
- You want another one?

- I think I can handle it, son.
- I can't even carry two of 'em.

Si, you're strong like bull.

All right, hey, I'm
telling you guys.

- Go, Si.
- Hey, gah.

- I'm gonna tell you what.
- You're strong, buddy.

Rule number two, never try
to pull a prank on someone

that has got a high-er IQ

or that is very
smarter than you are.

Hey, I have found
the fountain of youth.

- We tried tellin' ya.
- Deer antlers it is.

Look, and rule number
three, if you mess with the deer

you're gonna get the antler.

Let me grab another box.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, no,
no, no, don't get that one.

Oh, good lord.

- You all right?
- Hold on, let me move this.

You wanna call an ambulance?

No hold up, hold up boys.

- Pick me up.
- Pick you up?

Yeah, you guys pick me up,

- I can't move.
- I'm gonna need some help.

- Good night.
- Oh, you're light...

Here. Ease straight back.

You all right?

No, I'm not all right.

I think that I actually pulled
or tweaked something, guys.

It looked like it. Hold
on, you need some tea?

- That'll fix it.
- Nah, that ain't gonna fix it.

I'll get you some ibuprofen, Si.

I'm gonna get you a
bag of ice, all right?

- Make it strong.
- Golly.

You talk about gullible.

Thank y'all so much
for helping me with this.

Baby Gus is gonna love it.

- Of course.
- I love the colors, don't y'all?

I know, it's so cute.

I know what good cornbread is.

- Can't handle the truth.
- What?

- Hey, boys.
- You're talking about warped.

What are you talking about?

Missy makes the
greatest cornbread...

- Oh my god.
- That has ever been made.

And they won't even
entertain the idea...

- The greatest cornbread ever made?
- Ever. Ever.

That mean's you'd have to
have tasted every cornbread

that has ever been
made for you to say...

Didn't y'all already have that
cornbread tasting contest?

It was inconclusive.
We couldn't settle it.

Wait, that's why I
made the cornbread?

- Yeah.
- What?

Don't get me wrong. I'm flattered that
my husband loves my cornbread so much.

Why do you boys have to make everything
a competition? I don't understand.

Because that's how
you become the greatest.

I mean, you can't really
determine the greatest cornbread...

- Oh yeah you can.
- Because everyone likes

different things.

But to start a full
on family war?

It's a little extreme.

But too thick a
cornbread is always dry.

- That's right.
- Yeah.

So thinner, better.

I disagree with the thin thing,

but everybody makes
their own the way they like it.

I think it's okay to say, "this
is the best cornbread ever."

- In your personal opinion.
- In your opinion.

- It... No.
- Yes.

I mean, I don't want
cornbread to be the reason

why we don't spend
Christmas together this year.

Look, you make
your cornbread again.

We'll get an unbiased
judge to come in.

And this'll be simple.

Then it'll be... We will
know whose the best is.

What if we don't want to?

I can see why you don't want to.

- Yeah, me too.
- Oh, please.

Yeah, see?

This is how you
achieve greatness.

But who cares about
being the greatest?

I'll make my cornbread.

Can't win unless
you're in the game.

- I guess I'm in then.
- Fine, count me in.

Ladies, you better bring it.

We've got our bowls of cornbread
and we've got our impartial judge.

Mmmm.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

- boys and girls.
- I think we're all adults here.

Welcome to the first
annual cornbread cook-off

that should settle everything
so it'll actually be the last.

Thank you, last, yes.

After all the buildup
and suspense

the time has finally
come to find out

who in the family makes
the best cornbread.

Raise your right hand.

Do you promise
to tell the truth?

Mmm. I promise to tell
the truth to my best ability

and use my taste
buds accordingly

to check this cornbread
out and taste it right.

I now pronounce you
man and cornbread.

You may eat the cornbread.

Now when you look
at Mountain Man

you wouldn't think he
has a very refined palate.

And he actually doesn't. He
was just the only guy we could find

- that had nothing to do.
- Mmm.

But no one I know has more
experience eating free food

than Mountain Man.

And in this case, I think
experience does matter.

- Okay. Here we go.
- Here we go.

- Here we go...
- Take it easy.

- Cornbread.
- Hey.

- Here's the moment of truth.
- Hmm.

That one got a "hmm."

- Bowl number two.
- Mmm.

Uh huh, uh huh.

That one kinda got a growl.

That one got an eye raise.

Yeah, that got a
growl and a eyebrow.

Last but not least,
bowl number three.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

- Bad dat... Mmm.
- Hurry up, let's go.

- Mmm...
- And the winner is...

Well, according
to my taste buds,

to the best of my
taste bud knowledge...

I'm getting wrinkles.

Yeah, you gotta choose one.

It's a tie between
bowl number one -

- and bowl number three.
- There can't be a tie.

- There's no ties.
- He's the judge.

- Pick one.
- He's the judge,

- he said there's a tie.
- He's not a judge.

He's a air
conditioner repair guy.

This whole cornbread
debacle got way outta hand.

Picking favorites in any
family is a recipe for disaster.

Unbiased opinion.

Mountain Man, do
you like the cornbread?

I like these two here.
This one here ain't no good.

You can use that on your trap.

So rather than letting
cornbread cause

anymore problems, the
ladies and I decided to

take matters into our own hands.

We have a confession to make.

- It's my cornbread.
- Mmm.

We all made my recipe.

You don't have a recipe.

Out of a box.

I saw it right off, boys.
That ain't cornbread.

He liked it.

Ladies when you're married to
a man that won’t let things go,

sometimes you just
have to take it from him.

We gotta do the
whole thing again.

- No.
- The point is family

is more important
than cornbread.

- What?
- Cornbread brings families together,

not tears them apart.

That's the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

How come he didn't
like bowl number two?

We have no answer
for that. It's the same.

I don't know. Bowl number
two just had a wang to it.

It had a wang to it, boys.

Tastes like crap, Mountain
Man. Doesn't even taste good.

Oh, it's delicious.

I used my best taste
buds on this. Man.

Thank you, father, for bringing
our family together on the Earth.

Thank you for your love, your
kindness and your patience.

We need all those things.

In the name of
Jesus I pray, amen.

- Amen.
- Pass the cornbread.

Competition is a powerful thing.

On one hand, it inspires
growth and creativity,

but on the other hand
it can inspire people

to do some really stupid things.

Sometimes it's
important to step back

and remind yourself
what it is you're fighting for

and at what cost.

I think it's safe to say

that if you've dragged
your entire family

into a heated argument
over cornbread,

then you've
probably gone too far.

Hey Si, any luck with the
antlers on the old libido?

Me and Christine was
about to set sail last night,

but hey, I had to drop anchor.

I don't even want to
know what that means.