Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 10, Episode 11 - Whole Lotta Bull - full transcript

Look here, boys. We
got ourselves a cowboy.

Nice shooting, Tex.

- Man.
- Hi.

Whew.

Okay, it's killing them. Okay,
what's with the cowboy hat?

- I just have an important announcement.
- Does it have to do with the hat?

- Yes, sir.
- It does look cool.

It is a good-looking hat,
I have to give him that.

It's a cool hat.

I've always thought that I would
make a pretty good cowboy.

I'm pretty good with
guns, I love to spit,



and I look pretty
decent in a poncho.

All right, I'm gonna
state the obvious.

I have the greatest
wife of all time.

That's a matter of
opinion, but continue on.

No, that's fact.

On the downside,
diseases ran rampant.

She got me the
most amazing gift.

We're talking cholera...

- Now, the cowboy hat is nice.
- Dysentery...

But I mean, it ain't that great.

Ten or 12 different
kinds of pox.

She got me...

You lived in the wild west, you're
fixin' to get some kind of pox.

A one day rodeo camp experience.



So the rodeo is actually
the perfect compromise.

I want to be in a western. I don't care
if I get killed in the first five seconds.

Everything about the wild
west, yet none of the sickness.

Here's the best part of
this! Y'all can all come.

- To the camp?
- Yeah!

- I'd be in.
- Me.

- I like horses.
- In.

I'm not a big fan of
horses, but let's do it.

- Are you scared of horses?
- I don't like 'em.

- I like cows.
- All right, I tell you what.

- You stay here and work...
- It's on a work day?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's gotta be a workday.

I'm in. Let's do this.

- Me too.
- That was easy.

I'm not gonna be the only
one here. You kidding me?

Saddle up, partners. Giddyap.

Willie, thanks for
bringing me this extra yarn.

- Isn't it pretty?
- Yeah, I finally found it.

Also, I got your mail, and I
put more dog food out, so...

I think I'm done. You're
welcome. I gotta go back to work.

Well, you might oughta
hang around just a little bit.

There's a spot
as big as this rug,

thousands of pounds of
crawfish, all you can eat.

Take care of your mom, Will,
while I get over and get on that.

I think I just did everything
I was supposed to do.

I'm usually good for a date,
but Will, take over for me, dude.

- Wait a minute.
- But I wanted you to go!

- No dates today.
- Did he say "date"?

It's not a date with me, silly.

This is Bobo going
to see his girlfriend.

What?

I've got a friend from church who
has the perfect match for Bobo.

I mean, sometimes the parents,
you know, they have to help.

'Cause he's been
making bad choices.

Mom, I do not have time...

Bobo is getting ready,
he's excited. Whoo!

To take you and
your dog on a date.

Bobo is just
interested in all women.

Most dogs, I've discovered,
are the same way.

And see, I'm making a little
sweater thing for the girlfriend.

- And guess what her name is!
- I need to go.

- Princess Apricot.
- Oh, my gosh.

Well, I'll tell you what I've done. I've
had most of the neighbors' dog fixed.

Because I didn't want him matched
with somebody he shouldn't be with.

And it didn't cost that much
money. Phil will never know.

Mom, why don't you
just go by yourself?

Because I want them to know
that he comes from a loving home

- with a mom and dad.
- Okay, I'm gonna call Jep.

Well, your dad told you
that you need to take me

and you know we always taught
you to do what your dad says.

I try to be a good matchmaker,
with people and dogs.

But sometimes they go with
the wrong kind of women.

That's why I had to run
him off from down the street.

- Those were not the marrying kind.
- Yeah.

- Mom, how long is this gonna take?
- You know, the courting process

- is very complicated.
- Mom.

Bobo's been excited
all day about this.

I mean, look at him.

This dog humps
every dog he sees.

You run a mile and a half to
two miles at the end of the road

after those women you
shouldn't even be after.

You want me to whup you?

Yeah, well, I'm not gonna do it if
you behave and go for the right girl.

It's the same speech I
got when I was that age.

- All right, let's get this over with.
- Okay, but I've got to hurry up

- and finish this.
- Mom, there's no hurrying up

and finishing crochet.
It takes forever.

No, it doesn't, if you
let me concentrate.

Mom!

Boy, I ain't been on one
of these arenas in a while.

- How long has it been, Godwin?
- Good night, 20 years.

- Can you imagine Godwin on a bull?
- No!

- There he is!
- Hey, look out now.

- Hey, guys.
- What's happening?

I'm Terry Holland.

- How's it going?
- Hey, man.

Welcome to the Hi Lo
ProRodeo Experience.

You guys are gonna put on one of the
greatest rodeos that's ever taken place.

Well, that'll definitely
be, uh, entertaining.

Whether we're making duck calls at
the shop or riding horses as cowboys,

I would prefer being
the leader of this crew.

Meet my partner here.
This is John Wayne.

John Wayne!

You're gonna have to get
up a little bit closer, right there.

I ain't a fan of horses.

I'll pretty much be like Yul
Brynner in The Magnificent Seven.

I can see we're gonna
have to work on our fears.

Huh? No.

- The problem is...
- He's scared of horses.

We're more like
The Mediocre Five.

- He can't reach me from here.
- But I'm still Yul Brynner.

Martin! Quit dashing my dreams.

Except I have hair and a beard.

So who's gonna do what?
Where's my calf roper?

- I guess that'd be me.
- Okay.

Always wanted to see
what I could do with a rope.

We actually need the biggest,

- strongest guy to be the steer wrestler.
- I got that.

We need a barrel racer which
traditionally is a ladies event.

- Oh, thanks! Perfect!
- That didn't take long.

Godwin, I can remember back
in the day watching you ride bulls.

I ain't as limber as I once was.

Now, that just leaves the
rodeo clown. Is anybody...?

- Si, you're the perfect clown.
- He likes makeup.

Look, there's nothing wrong
with liking makeup! All right?

- Agreed.
- It's playing make-believe.

Look, I don't know why everyone
gets so hung up on the real world.

Make believe is
where it's at, okay?

Just think about this. Having
a bad day? Come to Si-topia.

I like make believe. Okay? The
real world, you know, it sucks.

It's the place where,
hey, tea flows like wine,

and your little fat, chubby
nephew works for you.

I'm over-qualified for
rodeo clown, but hey.

You gotta get between
the bull and the rider.

Maybe I'm underqualified.
That sounds dangerous.

In Si-topia, every day is
Saturday and it's always nap time.

Rodeo ain't church league
softball. It's just a little bit dangerous.

- So you guys ready to do it?
- Let's do it.

Okay, ain't nothing left to do
but get it started. Let's do it.

- I'm gonna need a rope.
- He's gonna need a rope!

- And he's probably gonna need a horse.
- Yee-haw!

Here we go! Come
here, you big sucker.

Whoa!

Ahh!

Okay, Si, for your
rodeo experience,

we brought the best rodeo
clown in the business, Rudy Burns.

- He was a barrel clown when I was riding.
- This oughta be good.

- Hey, Rudy. You know Si.
- Si!

- Pleasure to meet you, Rudy.
- Buddy, this is your lucky day.

I don't know about that.

We're gonna change
you into a rodeo clown.

- All right.
- I gotta see that.

This is the first thing we're gonna do,
we're gonna introduce you to the barrel.

- Nice to meet you, barrel.
- Would you like to try this?

No.

Being a rodeo clown is hard.

It takes nerves of steel and you
have to be a certain kind of crazy.

Well, this barrel here is
kind of an island of safety.

And when these bulls
hit it, you see the birdies,

- but the birdies will go away.
- Oh.

Rudy's had a few
concussions in his lifetime.

- Ya think.
- I'm not sure about Si's nerves,

but he's got the
crazy part down.

- How long have you been doing this?
- Forty-six years.

- Good grief!
- Rudy has certainly earned my respect.

- See, when the bull gets after you...
- Yep.

You just run up there, and just
jump up there like this and go...

- He's gone, boy.
- He gone.

- I have to say, that's limber!
- Anybody that's willing to go

toe-to-toe with a 1,500-pound bull,
and then go to toe-to-toe with Si...

- Good grief!
- That is one tough clown.

- Your turn.
- My turn?

- This is gonna be good here.
- I can't get in there like that!

Well, you just...

- Good grief!
- It's a barrel.

When the bull hits
it, it's a port-a-potty.

- I hope they wash that barrel out.
- Good grief, boys!

I guess not.

Here's a human
fact for you, Jack.

The average human being can
fit into a space about that big.

- Get in the barrel, Si.
- Get in the barrel.

- No! One of y'all get in the barrel.
- You're the clown.

- I'm stuck.
- You did it, Si!

I'm 68 years old. When
you reach that age,

you do not have a
normal human body.

You can barely fit in your car.

Much less, fit in
a stupid barrel.

Oh, good grief!

I wanna see how
Rudy gets into his car.

I don't see how you do this.

I bet you any amount of money he does
a beautiful swan dive through the sun roof.

- Whoa!
- He's out.

- Well, all I gotta say, sir...
- Out comes his skull.

- My hat's off to you.
- Mine is off to you.

Good grief!

- Hey. How are you?
- Hi. Fine.

- Come on in.
- Nice to see you.

- I'm so glad you could bring Bobo.
- Nice place you got here. Looky here!

- Luck girl.
- Princess Apricot is so spoiled.

Anybody that dates our little girl
gets the first degree from her daddy.

- Yeah.
- Oh, isn't that sweet.

If you'll just excuse me for
a moment, I'll be right back.

- Bobo. Look at this dog.
- Oh, he's so excited.

Look, this relationship
is not going to work

if y'all don't even
look at each other.

Uh-oh. There's another dog.

Ooh!

- Who is that dog?
- That's Princess Apricot.

- Oh, my goodness!
- Oh, boy. Lookie here! We got another dog.

Hey guys, look. I'm not a, um...

biologist, but I don't
know if this is gonna work.

The dog weighs 200
more pounds than this dog.

Well, they've got step
ladders and chairs.

- Oh, my gosh.
- Well, I'm sorry.

You just wanna talk
about it, we'll talk about it.

- Bobo, here's your love of your life.
- They like one another.

I don't know if that's like.

Bobo does need a strong
woman to keep him in line.

Bobo, you are way out
of your league, okay?

That dog'll definitely
keep him in line.

Do you love him? Do
you really love him? Huh?

That doesn't look positive.

- What little angels they'll be.
- That dog may eat this dog.

Well, we can... we can give
something to settle her down.

I mean, I'm sure they
have pills for dogs.

Princess Apricot
seems to like Bobo

- better than her last boyfriend.
- Oh, well, good.

- It was a really bad breakup.
- Yeah.

Princess Apricot
took it really hard.

Well, his last girlfriend at the end
of the road is a little Chihuahua.

And they just busted
up before I knew it.

Princess Apricot mourned
for days. She wouldn't eat.

- Yeah.
- Oh, Bobo gets right over 'em.

He's just like a Casanova. I
don't know what to say about him.

Bobo and Princess
Apricot are getting along,

but I just kind of think
it may be his last date.

- Thank goodness.
- Because she had a boyfriend before

and I think he broke her heart,
and this little bully can do it again.

Now, look, y'all have to take it slow
so you gotta think serious about that.

Okay, well, I guess
we need to go.

I just don't want it to be
uncomfortable, you know, at church.

You don't think it
will hurt her feelings?

I don't even understand
the world you live in, Kay.

You know, sometimes I
wonder if he's really my son.

But then I think he's just
like his daddy, so he is.

Mom, I'll be in the car.

Princess Apricot loves
her new boyfriend.

I think it might be a little
soon for the "L" word.

Okay, Godwin, we're gonna
use this mighty bucker here

to kind of go over some
of your bull riding skills.

- It's been a while.
- Here's what we're gonna do.

Whoa!

That's how you get
on. When you ride bulls,

you drive them ol' hips forward,
and when you hear that whistle,

- jump off into your hand...
- And run like the devil, Godwin.

Aw, come on!

All right, he's on.

Ever since I learned the fact
that Godwin used to ride bulls,

I've wondered what
that would look like.

- Get on!
- Ride it, cowboy!

And let me tell you, I
was not disappointed.

You take a large human mass,

and put it on the
equivalent of a teeter-totter

and start gyrating...

It's uncomfortable.

I wanna look away, but I can't.

But you are
powerless to look away.

Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

Because of potential disaster.

Okay, Jase, you're the calf roper. I
want you to rope him around the neck.

- Batter up. Piece of cake for you.
- It's all in the wrist.

- It's all in the wrist, boy.
- See it going on him. Do it, Jase.

Look, what Jase
lacks in talent...

Yeah!

The boy makes up for it
with just sheer dumb luck.

You are one lucky
dude. You know that?

Lucky!? You know
what that's called?

- Blind luck.
- Talent.

I've been around long enough to know
the difference between luck and talent.

- You're just jealous.
- Naw.

Me getting out of Vietnam
unscathed, that was luck.

You roped him, Jase, but
you know that in the rodeo,

you gotta be on a horse.

- Uh-oh.
- Uh-oh!

My ability to whoop anybody in
a hand of poker, that takes talent.

- You gotta do this off a horse?
- A moving horse.

Plus, a little cheating.

Okay, guys, it's
barrel racing time.

A lot of rodeo fans will say that
barrel racing is their favorite event.

Jep, you know why?
Because it's fast.

- Fast is key. All right.
- Fast is key.

- You gotta race against the clock.
- I wanna go fast.

- Hey, mount up. Let's do it to it.
- Let's do it. Yeah.

Let's go, John Wayne!

- There ya go!
- Look at him.

Barrel racing is
all about speed,

and I'm fixing to drive this
horse like a finely tuned race car.

Come on, horsey. We got this.

Is it me, or is he
going really slow?

Yeah, that's about
as slow as it gets.

Hey, this isn't
bad, my first time.

On second thought, race
cars are pretty dangerous.

- Hit the gas.
- Hit the gas!

- Okay, go!
- Uh-oh.

- Not the brakes.
- Not the brakes!

I'm going to treat this horse
like a finely tuned sedan.

You are one big
animal, you scare me.

A safe domestic sedan.

- Kick him, kick him!
- Kick him!

- Kick him!
- I don't want to kick him, he scares me.

That way I get to
experience the joy of driving

without any unwanted
head injuries.

Whoo!

It's a little more intimidating
once you get on there.

Jep, I thought that horse was gonna
die of old age by the time you got back.

You wanna try it?
You wanna go fast?

Well, I don't think there's
anything stopping us from putting on

a great rodeo performance.
Are you guys ready?

- I'm ready.
- Yee-haw!

- It's rodeo time.
- Let's go get that steer.

Look, Si, this is it.

Told y'all this
was gonna be fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, when
I say "Rode" you all say "O"!

- Rode!
- O!

First up, we've got Martin,

who's gonna be
wrestling a little, old steer.

All right, Martin. Yeah!

- All right, little buddy.
- Go, Martin!

All right, I'm ready.

Here we go. Come on, Martin.

Martin's down, but
the steer is still up.

I mean, that looked violent.

Go, Martin!

Next up, we have Jase Robertson.

He's gonna be doing
a little calf roping.

Go, Jase!

Who knows, if all
goes well today,

I may just leave the duck call
room and become a full time cowboy.

Oh!

All right, let me try it again.

The training I did
on a practice dummy

has not prepared
me for cattle roping.

I wasn't on a horse!

- You can do it!
- He's got it... He missed again.

- Shut up, Mountain Man.
- Third time's a charm!

The last time I
was on horseback...

- Oh!
- Oh, no.

I was six. And it was a pony.

- Oh!
- This is painful.

And it didn't end well.

- Finally!
- We made it, babe!

Any aspirations I had of the
cowboy life just went poof!

Next up will be Si Robertson.

Come on, we got a show to do.

- Look at his legs!
- Oh, look, look!

- Chicken legs.
- Listen, is there anything

that you do that you're
really, really excellent at?

- Take naps.
- Yeah. I shoot good.

- Okay, you gonna shoot something.
- That sounds dangerous.

All right, that's a
real gun, all right.

- This is a son of a gun.
- Uh-oh.

You ready?

One! Two!

- Where's the trigger on this stupid thing?
- Shoot it!

Three!

Holy smokes.

Well, let's hear it

for Si Robertson!
Alrighty, y'all.

Next up is Jep Robertson.

All right, babe!

It's time to show these
boys how to rodeo Jep's way.

And Jep's way is to
rodeo smarter, not harder.

This is Wild Jep.

I'll be the only one in this bunch
that sets rodeo records today.

Now that was a good run!

Fastest time barrel
racing on an ATV.

Next up, we have Godwin,

who's gonna be riding
a big, old, untrained bull.

That's dangerous.

- I'm getting nervous here.
- Godwin, can... can I...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Y'all got any medical
personnel on hand?

He's a mean one!
Oh, he's a mean one.

Ride like you live,
man, on the edge.

All right.

The shoot gate is open and...

Let's hear it for Godwin!

- Yeah!
- Let's hear it for 'em!

Throw that hat!

I ain't getting my hat dirty.

Let's all bow our heads.

Father, you are the same
yesterday, today and forever.

Because of that reason, we
stand before you with hope.

Thank you for this
good food. We love you.

- In the name of Jesus, I pray. Amen.
- Amen.

Even if it doesn't work out, it's
always good to try new things.

Sometimes you'll succeed and
may find a new hobby you like.

Other times, taking risks
like going on a blind date,

may not pan out as you hoped.

But, it's better to say that you
gave it a shot and didn't like it,

than to not even try it at all.

- What's that smell?
- That would be rodeo clown.

It smells like poop.