Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 9 - Sauvignon Beard - full transcript
THIS IS SO NICE.
THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE THIS.
I BROUGHT THE GANG TO AN ART
GALLERY TONIGHT, BECAUSE I BEEN
LOOKING TO DIVERSIFY MY
PORTFOLIO BY SPENDING SOME MONEY
ON SOME ARTWORK.
JASE, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING,
DUDE?
LOOK AT YOU.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH WHAT I'M
WEARING?
HE'S WEARING CAMOUFLAGE
PANTS.
TO SAY THAT I WAS FORCED
AGAINST MY OWN WILL TO COME TO
THIS ART GALLERY WOULD BE A
CORRECT ASSERTION.
THIS IS MAN BECOMING
INNOVATED.
WHAT'S WORSE IS WILLIE TRYING
TO PROVE...
I LOVE THIS PIECE.
THAT HE'S SOPHISTICATED.
ANYBODY FOR A LITTLE OF THE
VINO?
WILLIE HAS WAY TOO MUCH
FACIAL HAIR TO RISE TO THE NEXT
LEVEL IN SOCIETY.
MMM... IT'S REAL BALANCED.
I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
WINE.
YOU GIVE ME A COUPLE OF DAYS,
I'LL BE AN EXPERT.
NUTTY.
WHAT KIND OF WINE IS THIS?
PINOT NOIR RESERVE.
I LIKE THE FINER THINGS OF
LIFE.
MMM!
THAT IS REALLY GOOD.
I DIDN'T GET THE
SOPHISTICATED GENE OF THIS
FAMILY...
LET'S MOVE ON.
I STARTED THE SOPHISTICATED GENE
OF THIS FAMILY.
NOW WE GOT SOMEBODY WITH SOME
STYLE.
MEET THE ROBERTSON CLAN.
THEY TURN DUCK CALLS...
INTO A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR
EMPIRE.
BUT RUNNING A FAMILY BUSINESS IS
TOUGH WHEN THE FAMILY JUST WANTS
TO RUN WILD.
WHOO!
♪ YOU BEEN WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ THE BLOOD THAT YOU'RE ♪
♪ BORN IN IS SWEATIN' ♪
♪ YOU BEEN WORKING AND SLAVING ♪
♪ YOU'RE WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪
HELLO, TEAM.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
HEY, BABE.
HOW ARE Y'ALL?
All: GOOD.
YOU LOOK NICE TODAY.
DID YOU WEAR THE PUFFY SHIRT?
I LIKE MY PUFFY SHIRT.
NAH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS, BOYS.
I JUST BOUGHT A VINEYARD.
WHAT, DID YOU LOSE A BET?
FEAST YOUR EYES ON
TUSCADEROS.
IS THAT IN AMERICA?
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY
BOUGHT IT.
ACTUALLY, I THINK I'M GONNA
CHANGE THE NAME OF IT.
EITHER TO "WILLIE'S...
"WILLIE'S WINE"?
IF SOMETHING STARTS OFF WITH
"WILLIE," IT HAS TO BE MOONSHINE
OR NOTHING.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND
SOPHISTICATED ENOUGH, BABE.
WHY IS "WILLIE" NOT
SOPHISTICATED?
"WILLIE'S MOONSHINE."
THAT FITS.
"WILLIE'S WINE."
NEVER.
I GUARANTEE, YOU DO A CHECK, AND
MOST PEOPLE NAMED WILLIE ARE
EITHER IN PRISON, OR THEY'RE,
LIKE, ON THE ARM WRESTLING
CIRCUIT, YOU KNOW?
I'M A BUSINESSMAN.
I CAN SEE POTENTIAL.
I HAVE A LITTLE PRESENTATION.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
AND WHEN THEY SEE IT, THEY'RE
GONNA BE BLOWN AWAY.
THAT'S WHAT YOU BOUGHT?
YEAH.
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T SPEND A LOT
OF MONEY ON THIS.
YOU'VE GONE OUT AND LOOKED AT
THE GROUND?
NO, I BOUGHT IT ONLINE.
YOU BOUGHT IT ONLINE?
YEAH, IT WAS IN AN AUCTION.
I GOT A SMOKIN' DEAL.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
I THINK IT'S GONNA BE
INTERESTING.
IT LOOKS LIKE A CEMETERY.
THIS IS LIKE SOMEBODY GIVING ME
BACKSTAGE PASSES TO AN ENSURED
DISASTER.
Y'ALL ARE GONNA LOVE IT.
THIS IS GONNA BE THE COOLEST
THING WE'VE EVER DONE.
I'M GOING ON THE SHIP BECAUSE
IF IT CRASHES, I WANNA WATCH IT.
"THE COOLEST THING WE'VE EVER
DONE."
YEAH.
ARE Y'ALL HUNGRY?
YES.
YOUR FAVORITE... PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY.
YAY!
YES!
MARY LIKES JELLY.
SHE'S GONNA MAKE JELLY FOR HER
HUSBAND WHEN SHE GETS BIG.
I ONLY HAD FOUR SONS, SO BY
HAVING THE GRANDDAUGHTERS, IT'S
JUST LIKE THE DAUGHTERS I NEVER
HAD BUT I ALWAYS WANTED.
I KNOW WHO MY HUSBAND IS
GONNA BE.
JUSTIN BIEBER!
NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS JUSTIN
THE BEAVER.
HE SEEMS TO HAVE SWEPT OVER ALL
THE YOUNG GIRLS, BUT HE DON'T DO
NOTHING FOR ME.
WELL, HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
HEY!
STEALING OUR M&Ms!
WHAT ABOUT IT?
Y'ALL ARE SUPPOSED TO ASK
"HOW MANY DID Y'ALL KILL?"
TWO DUCKS.
TWO DUCKS.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND BE EXCITED
ABOUT IT.
HEY, PHIL, I'MA NEED YOU TO
TAKE CARE OF THE GRANDDAUGHTERS
FOR A CHANGE.
THE GIRLS HERE?
WILLIE JUST CALLED.
HE NEEDS ME FOR SOMETHING.
YOU JUST TAKE THEM.
YOU TEACH THEM ABOUT THE TREES
AND THE WATER AND ALL THE GOOD
STUFF.
WHERE WE GO, THOSE GIRLS LIKE
THAT GET KILLED.
HEY!
NO...
I DON'T DO WELL WITH LITTLE
GIRLS.
BEING COOPED UP WITH 'EM ALL
DAY?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S THE MAMAW ZONE, NOT
PAPAW.
IT'S YOUR CHRISTIAN DUTY AS A
GRANDPA TO TAKE TIME WITH THOSE
KIDS.
OH, I LOVE THEM LITTLE
GRANDDAUGHTERS, YOU KNOW, BUT
THEY ARE A CHORE.
A BIG ONE.
YOU AIN'T TALKING ABOUT
TODAY?
YEAH, I'M TALKING ABOUT
TODAY.
LOOK, SI, YOU CAN HELP TOO.
OKAY.
TAKE CARE OF THESE GIRLS?
THAT'S LIKE A VIETNAM FIREFIGHT.
I GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS.
DO NOT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO
THEM, OKAY?
TEACH THEM SOME LIFE LESSONS.
BYE, I LOVE Y'ALL.
BYE.
'CAUSE I KNOW PHIL.
IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.
YEAH, I'LL TEACH 'EM SOME
THINGS.
START WITH SHUTTING UP AND
SITTING DOWN.
THAT'S THE WAY IT'LL BE WITH
THE LITTLE GIRLS.
IT'LL BE EVERY LITTLE GIRL FOR
THEIRSELF.
Y'ALL BE REAL QUIET FOR ABOUT
AN HOUR.
WHAT ARE Y'ALL GONNA DO?
WE'RE GONNA TAKE A NAP.
NOW WE'RE BABYSITTING, SI.
WHAT HAVE WE GOT INTO?
WE'RE SO THERE.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, KAY?
WHAT?
IT'S THE ROBERTSON WINERY.
I JUST BOUGHT IT.
OH...
I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
IT'S NOT OFTEN THAT MY BOYS BUY
SOMETHING I CAN ACTUALLY
APPRECIATE.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
LIKE BACK IN THE PIONEER
DAYS, WHEN THEY HAD WINE, KAY.
THIS IS THE VINEYARD.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
MY QUESTION IS, WHERE ARE ALL
THE GRAPES?
OH.
YEAH.
NEEDS A LITTLE WORK.
LITTLE WORK.
HEY, WILLIE, YOU BIG
EXTRAVAGANT PURCHASER.
WHERE ARE THE GRAPES?
WILLIE SHOWED ME A BUNCH OF
PICTURES OF A BUNCH OF VINES.
HEY, IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE THE
PICTURES.
SHOW ME THE GRAPES!
YOU GOTTA PUT HAND TO PLOW,
SON, HAND TO PLOW.
TRYING TO MAKE WINE WITH NO
GRAPES.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?
I CAN SEE IT NOW.
THIS WHOLE THING IS GONNA BE
SLAM-FULL OF GRAPES.
WE JUST HIT IT AT THE WRONG
TIME.
YOU CAN ALWAYS TURN WATER
INTO WINE...
IF YOU'RE JESUS.
OH, IT'S GONNA BE NICE.
THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, YOUR
NAME WAS WILLIE.
YOU GONNA BE BUYING WINE AT THE
QUICK STOP.
YEAH, THAT'S REAL FUNNY.
I AIN'T SURE WHERE THE GRAPES
WENT TO, BUT HEY, IT'S NO
PROBLEM.
WHEN IN DOUBT, FIGURE IT OUT.
THAT'S THE REDNECK WAY.
I THINK I NEED TO CALL IN AN
EXPERT.
YOU SHOULDA CALLED THE EXPERT
BEFORE YOU BOUGHT THIS THING.
THIS PLACE IS NICE, ISN'T IT?
I KNOW.
WE JUST GOTTA FIGURE OUT HOW TO
DO IT, DON'T WE?
THAT'S WHY I GOT THE EXPERT
COMING IN.
LOOK, I REALIZE I'M IN OVER MY
HEAD.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, BUT
DON'T HIT THE PANIC BUTTON.
I GOT A SOMMELIER ON THE WAY.
HEY, JEFF.
HEY, HOW Y'ALL DOING?
JEFF LANDRY, WITH LANDRY
VINEYARDS.
WE WERE JUST SO EXCITED ABOUT
HEARING ABOUT YA'LL BUYING A
WINERY.
IT'S A TOUGH BUSINESS.
GROWING IS TOUGH.
WINEMAKING IS TOUGH TOO, I
MEAN...
YOU MIGHT SHOULD'VE FOUND OUT
SOME FACTS, YOU KNOW, ABOUT...
I LOOKED ONLINE.
I READ A BUNCH OF STUFF.
WELL, GOOD, I FEEL BETTER
NOW.
THANK YOU.
MOST OF THE REDNECKS I KNOW
THINK WINE ONLY COMES IN A BOX.
THERE'S WAY MORE VARIETIES.
CABERNET SAUVIGNON, MERLOT...
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE TWO THAT
I KNOW ABOUT.
WE WERE GONNA DO A WINE TASTING
AT THE END OF THE MONTH.
WELL, YOU GOT A... YOU GOT A
WAYS TO GO BEFORE YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE SOMETHING IN A BOTTLE.
YOU JUMPED THE GUN AS USUAL,
DIDN'T YOU?
I THOUGHT YOU JUST WENT OUT
THERE AND PICKED 'EM.
YOU HAVE A DEGREE, BUT IT'S
NOT IN WINEMAKING, IS IT?
NO, IT'S IN WINE DRINKING.
OKAY.
I MEAN, JESUS TURNED WATER
INTO WINE.
HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
WELL, THERE'S A LITTLE LEAF.
THIS IS BLANC DU BOIS.
THAT'S THE NAME OF THIS GRAPE.
BLONDE DA WHO?
BLANC DU BOIS.
IT'S A WINE GRAPE.
SO ALL THESE ARE BLONDE DU
BLONDES?
UH, BLANC DU BOIS.
BLONDE DU WAH.
BLANC DU BOIS.
BLONDE DU WAH.
WILLIE CAN'T EVEN PRONOUNCE
THE NAME OF THE GRAPES.
IT'S BLONDE DU BRAH.
SEE, I CAN'T EVEN PRONOUNCE THE
NAME OF THE WINE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE FOUR MONTHS
AWAY BEFORE YOU'RE READY TO
PRODUCE GRAPES, BUT YOU'RE STILL
OVER A YEAR AWAY BEFORE YOU HAVE
SOMETHING IN A BOTTLE, YOU KNOW?
AW, MAN.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS GUY KNOWS,
BUT I'M ABOUT THE LEAST PATIENT
PERSON ON THIS PLANET.
HE'S GIVING ME THE TEN-YEAR
PLAN.
I WANT THE TEN-DAY PLAN.
I MEAN, YOU CAN BUY GRAPES,
BUT THE PROBLEM IS THIS IS NOT
HARVEST SEASON FOR ANY PART OF
THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW.
THERE'S GRAPES AT THE GROCERY
STORE, I SEE 'EM EVERY WEEK.
COULD YOU JUST BUY 'EM AND
BRING 'EM IN?
WELL, THAT'S NOT THE SAME
TYPE OF GRAPE.
WINE GRAPES ARE VERY COMPLEX IN
FLAVOR AND CHARACTER.
WELL, WE'LL FIGURE SOMETHING
OUT.
I JUST BOUGHT A WINE FARM WITH
NO WINE ON IT.
WE'VE GOT A HUGE WINE-TASTING
EVENT THAT KORIE'S ALREADY SENT
INVITATIONS OUT TO.
WE GOT NO GRAPES, AND WE GOT NO
WINE ON HAND.
IT'S TIME FOR PLAN B.
JASE, HEY.
GET ME SOME WINE GRAPES.
WINE GRAPES?
WHEN BATMAN NEEDED SOMETHING,
HE CALLED ROBIN.
GOOGLE IT OR SOMETHING, I DON'T
KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I GOT MY OWN BOY WONDER.
YOU GET THE WINE GRAPES AND MEET
US HERE.
WELL, WILLIE...
ALL RIGHT, BYE.
SI, HOW'D WE GET ROPED INTO
BABYSITTING DETAIL?
ARE Y'ALL HAVING FUN YET?
All: NO!
THERE'S MORE YIPPING AND
SQUEALING COMING OUT OF LITTLE
GIRLS THAN I EVEN THOUGHT WAS
IMAGINABLE.
WHERE IS IT ALL COMING FROM?
AAH! AAH!
I WOULD SAY THAT'S JUST THIS
SIDE OF HELL, MAYBE HELL ITSELF.
UNCLE SI...
HEY.
WHY ARE WE HERE?
WE GOT WORK TO DO ON THIS
DUCK BLIND.
GRAB THIS CANE AND START PUTTING
IT ON THIS BLIND.
THAT'S YOUR JOB, MISTER!
IT'S YOUR JOB TODAY.
IT AIN'T NO TELLING WHAT THESE
GIRLS IS GONNA PUT ME AND HIM
THROUGH.
I... I PUT 'EM TO
WORK, YOU KNOW?
THAT WAY AT LEAST I GET
SOMETHING OUT OF 'EM.
LITTLE PIGLETS.
HEY, LOOK HERE.
GET SOME MORE MUD ON THAT BLIND.
UNCLE SI, WHEN ARE WE GONNA
DO SOMETHING WE WANNA DO?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO?
WE'RE WAITING TO DO A TEA
PARTY.
A TEA PARTY?
WE AIN'T GOT NO TEAPOT.
THEY'RE TRYING TO FEMINIZE US.
I COULD'VE TRAINED A BUNCH OF
MONKEYS TO DO MORE THAN THESE
GIRLS BEEN HELPING TODAY.
ALL THEY'VE DONE IS GET ME
MUDDY.
HEY!
GET... GET OUT OF THE MUD!
HEY!
AND I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH OF IT
AND STARTED AFTER 'EM WITH A
STICK.
THEIR MOTHER AND DADDY MAY NOT
WHUP 'EM, BUT HELL, UNCLE SI
WILL TEAR THEIR TAIL UP.
SEE RIGHT HERE?
THIS IS HOW YOU GET DUCKS.
I LIKE CHICK-FIL-A, NOT DUCK.
THAT'S A BAD SIGN.
THESE AIN'T REDNECK GIRLS.
THESE ARE YUPPIE GIRLS.
NOPE.
RICH KIDS.
WHAT IS A REDNECK?
WELL, HEY, YOU'RE NOT ONE IF
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
THESE GIRLS HAVE GONE YUPPIE
RIGHT BEFORE MY VERY EYES, AND
IT'S A FRIGHTENING SIGHT.
MY UNDIES ARE WET AND I AM
TIRED!
OH, THE THRILL AND THE WONDER
OF GRANDCHILDREN.
I'LL SHOW YOU REDNECK.
I'M GONNA TEACH THESE GRANDKIDS
OF MINE THE ROBERTSON WAY.
LET'S GET 'EM BACK TO THE
HOUSE AND HOSE ALL FOUR OF 'EM
DOWN.
COME ON, GET OUT OF THERE.
LET'S GO.
I'MA BE TASTING THESE GRAPES
FOR A MONTH, 'CAUSE ALL THE
JUICES DRAIN DOWN IN MY BEARD.
THERE'S WILL.
LOOK AT HIM.
YOU GOT 'EM?
OH, WE GOT 'EM.
ALL THE GRAPES YOU CAN EAT.
SEEMS LIKE A BAD SIGN WHEN
YOU BUY A VINEYARD AND THE FIRST
THING YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUY SOME
GRAPES.
WHAT VINEYARD DID YOU GET
THESE FROM?
I WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE
AND I BOUGHT 'EM.
HE SAID TO GET WINE GRAPES.
I KNOW, BUT LISTEN TO ME.
I LOOKED IT UP.
ALL A WINE GRAPE IS IS A GRAPE
WITH A LOT OF SUGAR IN IT.
IT'LL WORK, I'M TELLING YOU.
WELL, QUIT EATING ALL OF 'EM.
COME RIGHT UP HERE, LET ME
SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
STAND RIGHT HERE, REAL STILL.
STAND REAL CLOSE TOGETHER.
GET IN A CIRCLE.
Y'ALL HAD SO MUCH FUN GETTING
ME AND PAPAW PHIL ALL MUDDY.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME AND PAPAW
PHIL TO HAVE SOME FUN.
SEE, NOW WATCH, LOOK.
COME OVER HERE, Y'ALL.
DON'T BE MOVING.
AAH!
THERE AIN'T BUT ONE WAY I
KNOW OF TO CLEAN UP A MUDDY
GRANDCHILD.
DON'T BE RUNNING.
DON'T RUN.
JUST HOSE THE WHOLE BATCH
DOWN.
DON'T RUN, COME BACK HERE.
WE GOTTA GET ALL THAT MUD OFF OF
Y'ALL.
I WAS TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT
THING HERE.
IT WAS MY IDEA OF TRYING TO BE
NICE.
ARE Y'ALL HAVING FUN YET?
THEY ALL WENT TO SQUEALING AND
CARRYING ON, YOU KNOW?
AAH!
WOMEN.
NOW WE'RE HAVING FUN, GIRLS!
GET BACK UP HERE, YOU AIN'T
CLEAN YET!
NOW Y'ALL ARE ALL CLEAN.
LOOK HERE.
SEE THIS RIGHT HERE?
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
All: CATFISH.
THE BEST-EATIN' FISH THAT
SWIMS IN THE RIVER, RIGHT HERE
WHAT I HAVE.
IF YOU FIND A WOMAN WHO KNOWS
HOW TO SKIN A CATFISH AND CUT
HIM UP, EVERY MAN ON THE EARTH
WOULD BE PROUD TO HAVE HER.
I'MA SHOW Y'ALL HOW TO CLEAN
HIM.
Y'ALL WATCHING?
WE'RE GONNA PULL HIS HIDE OFF OF
HIM, YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
OH!
IT'S JUST LIKE PUTTING YOUR
SOCK ON AND TAKING YOUR SOCK
OFF.
OH, GROSS!
THIS USED TO BE HIS HEAD...
WATCH THIS.
ARE Y'ALL WATCHING?
NO!
SEE RIGHT THERE?
EWW!
LOOK HERE.
THIS IS WORSE THAN JAWS.
FRESH CATFISH, GET THE PEANUT
OIL ON.
THAT WAS A FISH FRY.
I THOUGHT MY GRANDDAUGHTERS
WOULD BE ELATED.
THESE ARE LIKE FISH NUGGETS.
EWW.
THAT'S NASTY.
THAT'S DINNER, RIGHT OUT OF
THE RIVER, READY TO FRY.
SO WHAT DO Y'ALL THINK?
All: GRILLED CHEESE!
GRILLED CHEESE!
YOU GIRLS DON'T KNOW WHAT
GOOD FOOD IS.
NO, THEY DON'T.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.
WE GOTTA GET THE GRAPES INTO THE
CRUSHER.
IT'S GONNA PULL THE STEMS OUT,
DROP THE CRUSHED GRAPES INTO THE
PRESS, AND WE'LL GET THE JUICE.
I'M GONNA CRUSH 'EM.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE
CRUSHER.
Y'ALL GET THE GRAPES IN THERE,
I'LL GET IT FROM THE PRESS.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO!
FIRE IN THE HOLE.
MAYBE THIS IS EASIER THAN I
THOUGHT.
WE'RE TEN MINUTES INTO THIS...
JUICE IS FLOWING.
WE GOT JUICE!
YOU CAN ALREADY SMELL THE
WINE.
AAH!
WE GOT A TON OF JUICE!
IT'S GETTING FULL.
IT'S GETTING FULL!
IT'S GETTING FULL!
HOLD UP!
HEY, JASE!
IT'S GETTING TOO FULL!
IT'S GETTING TOO FULL!
ALL RIGHT, NOW IT'S FULL.
NOW IT'S FULL.
YEAH, I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT THAT
LAST BOX.
THAT WAS CLOSE.
THANKS.
WELL, DOES THIS GO ON IT,
WILL?
OKAY, NOW WHAT?
YOU'RE THE MASTER WINEMAKER.
I'M NOT SURE HE KNOWS WHAT
HE'S DOING.
NOW WE GOT JUICE.
SEE IT PUSHING?
OH, IT'S BUBBLING.
OH, THIS IS LIKE TAKING A
WINE BUBBLE BATH.
YEAH.
YEAH, THIS HAS SPED IT UP.
OH, SHOOT.
UH-OH.
UH-OH, IT'S SPITTING UP.
WE SPRUNG A LEAK.
SPRUNG A LEAK!
HEY, IT'S SPITTING UP.
WE GOT A BLOWOUT.
LOOK, IT'S JUST LIKE
EVERYBODY'S, LIKE, LEAVING THE
SHIP.
I LOOK DOWN, AND I SEE THE
REGURGITATION OF GRAPES IN EVERY
WAY POSSIBLE.
IS THAT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO
WORK?
GET THE PIECES OUT.
IT'S, LIKE, VOMITING.
THEY KEEP OOZING OUT EVERY
ORIFICE.
HEY, IT'S COMING OUT AT THE
TOP!
LOOK OUT.
WE CAN'T STOP IT.
TOO MANY!
WHOA!
AW, HERE WE GO.
AAH!
HERE... HERE... OH...
AAH!
DON'T LET 'EM COME OUT.
AAH!
GRAPES ARE FLYING.
SHOOM! SHOOM!
AH!
I'M HIT!
GRAPE SHRAPNEL!
KAY'S DOWN!
OH, MY SHOES!
AAH!
I NEVER REALIZED THAT FRUIT
COULD BE SO VIOLENT AND
DANGEROUS.
IT'S LIKE A GRAPE HORROR SHOW.
I'VE NEVER MADE WINE, BUT I
WOULDN'T THINK THIS IS STANDARD
OPERATING PROCEDURE HERE.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
NOW, MR. BIG SHOT?
THIS AIN'T WORKING.
I'VE NEVER MADE WINE, BUT I
WOULDN'T THINK THIS IS STANDARD
OPERATING PROCEDURE HERE.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
NOW, MR. BIG SHOT?
LOOK OUT!
I SAW THIS ON A MOVIE ONE
TIME.
THIS IS THE FIRST JOB,
WILLIE, THAT YOU'VE EVER COME
OUT WITH THAT'S GOOD TO HAVE
BIG, WEIGHTY INDIVIDUALS.
I CAN TASTE THE WINE RIGHT
NOW, CAN'T Y'ALL?
NOW THIS IS THE FUN PART,
ISN'T IT?
THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC
HAPPENS.
I KNOW THERE'S A SPECIFIC RECIPE
TO MAKE GOOD WINE.
YOU DUMP IT IN.
I'LL BE A DUMPER.
WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.
WHOOPS.
JASE!
IF A LITTLE SUGAR AND A LITTLE
YEAST IS GOOD...
I DON'T KNOW MUCH SUGAR TO PUT
IN IT.
A LOT WILL MAKE IT A WHOLE LOT
BETTER.
DOWN THE HATCH.
AND WE'RE FIXING TO HAVE THE
BEST BATCH OF WINE MONEY CAN
BUY.
WILLIE, HE SPILLED SOME.
HE POURED IT ALL OVER THE
PLACE.
STOP IT!
WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE DOING, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
DO IT QUICKLY.
JASE, YOU'RE SPILLING ALL OUR
PROFITS.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE SOME WINE,
LET'S MAKE SOMETHING THAT NO ONE
HAS EVER TASTED BEFORE... EVER.
HOW'S IT SMELL?
IT'S GOT A MUSTINESS ABOUT
IT.
WE NEED MORE SUGAR.
A LITTLE SPICE.
A LITTLE KICK TO IT.
A LITTLE NASTINESS.
OH, YEAH.
MORE JUICE!
GOLLY, THAT WENT DOWN MY
SHIRT!
ALL THAT SUGAR.
AAH!
OH, PHIL WILL BE NOSING
AROUND AND FIND THAT.
THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT THIS
WINE IS GONNA BE DELICIOUS.
WE PUT TOO MUCH WORK INTO IT.
ALL SEALED UP.
WHAT OTHER DUCK CALL MAKER
HAS THEIR OWN WINE?
NONE.
WE JUST MADE SOME WINE.
PURPLE GOLD.
DO YOU NEED ONE OF THESE?
I DON'T THINK I CAN USE THAT.
I'M NOT A FEATHERY-TYPE PERSON.
GRANDDAUGHTERS WILL EXHAUST YOU
FAR MORE QUICKLY THAN GRANDSONS,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
YOU WANT SOME EARRINGS?
FINGERNAIL POLISH?
I THINK I'LL PASS ON BOTH OF
'EM.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T DO MAKEUP.
I DON'T CARE WHO'S WAVING
LIPSTICK AND MAYBELLINE AROUND,
I AIN'T GOING THERE... AT ALL.
SEE, REAL MEN DON'T FOOL WITH
STUFF LIKE THAT.
YOU NEED SOME KINDA GIRLIE MAN.
IF WE GONNA DO THIS, WE GONNA
DO IT RIGHT.
I WANT NAIL POLISH ON MY NAILS.
GET THE NAIL POLISH OUT.
I'VE HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL
ME THAT I HAVE A FEMININE SIDE.
HEY, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A
GOOD THING OR A BAD THING.
DO THIS WITH YOUR HANDS.
OH, YOU DO THIS?
THAT'S ONE OF THEM DEALS YOU
TOSS A COIN AND... HEY, HOPE IT
HITS ON THE RIGHT SIDE.
HEY, Y'ALL.
WE NEED SOME LIPSTICK FOR
HIM.
DOES ANYBODY HAVE SOME?
LIPSTICK?
I KNOW I'VE GOT A TIARA ON MY
HEAD, EARRINGS ON MY EARS, LIP
GLOSS...
I DON'T HAVE ANY FEATHERS.
I HAVE TWO.
I THINK THE LITTLE FEATHER
THING THAT I HAD AROUND MY NECK
AND GOING OVER
MY SHOULDER... HEY,
THAT WAS THE FINEST TOUCH.
THE REST OF IT WAS JUST WINDOW
DRESSING.
AND YOU CAN PUT ON A DRESS.
OH, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
WE'RE GOING TOO FAR NOW.
OH, NO, YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA
PUT ON A DRESS ALL RIGHT.
NO, HEY, DON'T... DON'T CONFUSE
ME WITH A MAN THAT LIKES TO
DRESS UP.
I'M GONNA DRAW
THE LINE ON... HEY,
NO DRESS.
GOOD MIGHTY LIVING, SI.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.
YOU WANT ANOTHER HAND?
WHOO.
GRANDPA PHIL IS BEING A STICK
IN THE MUD.
HOW YOU BEEN?
I GOT EVERYBODY HERE.
MY FAMILY, I'VE GOT SPECIAL
GUESTS, I'VE GOT INVESTORS,
POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS.
I BROUGHT ALL OF 'EM IN FOR THIS
WINE TASTING.
WE ARE SO EXCITED TONIGHT TO
MALLARD
MERLOT FROM DUCK COMMANDER.
DUCK COMMANDER WINE WILL PROPEL
US TO THE TOP... THE TOP OF
WHATEVER IT PUTS YOU AT WITH A
WINE LABEL AND DUCK CALL
COMBINATION.
CHEERS, TO MALLARD MERLOT!
All: CHEERS!
DRINK UP!
THE WINE THAT WE'VE CREATED
KINDA TASTES LIKE A CROSS
BETWEEN DOE URINE AND JALAPENO
JUICE.
YO...
AND IT SMELLS LIKE COON PEE.
HEY, I ENJOYED IT.
FULL-BODIED.
CITY SLICKERS DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOOD.
THAT'S THE NASTIEST STUFF I
EVER TRIED TO DRINK IN MY LIFE.
OH, MY GOODNESS!
WELL, WILLIE, AT LEAST YOU
TRIED, SON.
AT LEAST YOU TRIED.
WE'RE HUNTERS, NOT GATHERERS.
WE CAN DO WEDDINGS OR
SOMETHING HERE...
JUST NOT WINE.
I'M GONNA BUY WINE IN THE BOX.
FATHER, WE ARE GRATEFUL FOR
ONE MORE DAY ON PLANET EARTH.
THANK YOU, FATHER, FOR OUR
GRANDCHILDREN, OUR LITTLE
GRANDDAUGHTERS.
I PRAY, FATHER, WE NEVER FORGET
WHERE WE CAME FROM AND WHERE WE
ARE NOW.
AMEN.
All: AMEN.
DIG IN!
THERE AREN'T MANY SURE THINGS
IN THIS WORLD, AND EVEN THE
SMARTEST IDEAS MAY NOT PAY OFF,
LIKE DUCK COMMANDER WINE, OR
PHIL AND SI TAKING CARE OF
YOUNG, IMPRESSIONABLE GIRLS.
IF YOU WANT AN
IDEA TO SUCCEED, YOU HAVE TO
TAKE RISK, BECAUSE THE ONLY
INVESTMENTS GUARANTEED NOT TO
PAY OFF ARE THE ONES YOU NEVER
MAKE.
ANYBODY WANNA BUY A WINERY?
THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE THIS.
I BROUGHT THE GANG TO AN ART
GALLERY TONIGHT, BECAUSE I BEEN
LOOKING TO DIVERSIFY MY
PORTFOLIO BY SPENDING SOME MONEY
ON SOME ARTWORK.
JASE, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING,
DUDE?
LOOK AT YOU.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH WHAT I'M
WEARING?
HE'S WEARING CAMOUFLAGE
PANTS.
TO SAY THAT I WAS FORCED
AGAINST MY OWN WILL TO COME TO
THIS ART GALLERY WOULD BE A
CORRECT ASSERTION.
THIS IS MAN BECOMING
INNOVATED.
WHAT'S WORSE IS WILLIE TRYING
TO PROVE...
I LOVE THIS PIECE.
THAT HE'S SOPHISTICATED.
ANYBODY FOR A LITTLE OF THE
VINO?
WILLIE HAS WAY TOO MUCH
FACIAL HAIR TO RISE TO THE NEXT
LEVEL IN SOCIETY.
MMM... IT'S REAL BALANCED.
I ACTUALLY DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
WINE.
YOU GIVE ME A COUPLE OF DAYS,
I'LL BE AN EXPERT.
NUTTY.
WHAT KIND OF WINE IS THIS?
PINOT NOIR RESERVE.
I LIKE THE FINER THINGS OF
LIFE.
MMM!
THAT IS REALLY GOOD.
I DIDN'T GET THE
SOPHISTICATED GENE OF THIS
FAMILY...
LET'S MOVE ON.
I STARTED THE SOPHISTICATED GENE
OF THIS FAMILY.
NOW WE GOT SOMEBODY WITH SOME
STYLE.
MEET THE ROBERTSON CLAN.
THEY TURN DUCK CALLS...
INTO A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR
EMPIRE.
BUT RUNNING A FAMILY BUSINESS IS
TOUGH WHEN THE FAMILY JUST WANTS
TO RUN WILD.
WHOO!
♪ YOU BEEN WALKIN' AROUND ♪
♪ ALL OF YOUR LIFE ♪
♪ THE BLOOD THAT YOU'RE ♪
♪ BORN IN IS SWEATIN' ♪
♪ YOU BEEN WORKING AND SLAVING ♪
♪ YOU'RE WHOLE LIFE AWAY ♪
HELLO, TEAM.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
HEY, BABE.
HOW ARE Y'ALL?
All: GOOD.
YOU LOOK NICE TODAY.
DID YOU WEAR THE PUFFY SHIRT?
I LIKE MY PUFFY SHIRT.
NAH, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS, BOYS.
I JUST BOUGHT A VINEYARD.
WHAT, DID YOU LOSE A BET?
FEAST YOUR EYES ON
TUSCADEROS.
IS THAT IN AMERICA?
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY
BOUGHT IT.
ACTUALLY, I THINK I'M GONNA
CHANGE THE NAME OF IT.
EITHER TO "WILLIE'S...
"WILLIE'S WINE"?
IF SOMETHING STARTS OFF WITH
"WILLIE," IT HAS TO BE MOONSHINE
OR NOTHING.
THAT DOESN'T SOUND
SOPHISTICATED ENOUGH, BABE.
WHY IS "WILLIE" NOT
SOPHISTICATED?
"WILLIE'S MOONSHINE."
THAT FITS.
"WILLIE'S WINE."
NEVER.
I GUARANTEE, YOU DO A CHECK, AND
MOST PEOPLE NAMED WILLIE ARE
EITHER IN PRISON, OR THEY'RE,
LIKE, ON THE ARM WRESTLING
CIRCUIT, YOU KNOW?
I'M A BUSINESSMAN.
I CAN SEE POTENTIAL.
I HAVE A LITTLE PRESENTATION.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
AND WHEN THEY SEE IT, THEY'RE
GONNA BE BLOWN AWAY.
THAT'S WHAT YOU BOUGHT?
YEAH.
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T SPEND A LOT
OF MONEY ON THIS.
YOU'VE GONE OUT AND LOOKED AT
THE GROUND?
NO, I BOUGHT IT ONLINE.
YOU BOUGHT IT ONLINE?
YEAH, IT WAS IN AN AUCTION.
I GOT A SMOKIN' DEAL.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
I THINK IT'S GONNA BE
INTERESTING.
IT LOOKS LIKE A CEMETERY.
THIS IS LIKE SOMEBODY GIVING ME
BACKSTAGE PASSES TO AN ENSURED
DISASTER.
Y'ALL ARE GONNA LOVE IT.
THIS IS GONNA BE THE COOLEST
THING WE'VE EVER DONE.
I'M GOING ON THE SHIP BECAUSE
IF IT CRASHES, I WANNA WATCH IT.
"THE COOLEST THING WE'VE EVER
DONE."
YEAH.
ARE Y'ALL HUNGRY?
YES.
YOUR FAVORITE... PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY.
YAY!
YES!
MARY LIKES JELLY.
SHE'S GONNA MAKE JELLY FOR HER
HUSBAND WHEN SHE GETS BIG.
I ONLY HAD FOUR SONS, SO BY
HAVING THE GRANDDAUGHTERS, IT'S
JUST LIKE THE DAUGHTERS I NEVER
HAD BUT I ALWAYS WANTED.
I KNOW WHO MY HUSBAND IS
GONNA BE.
JUSTIN BIEBER!
NO, NO, NO.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS JUSTIN
THE BEAVER.
HE SEEMS TO HAVE SWEPT OVER ALL
THE YOUNG GIRLS, BUT HE DON'T DO
NOTHING FOR ME.
WELL, HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
HEY!
STEALING OUR M&Ms!
WHAT ABOUT IT?
Y'ALL ARE SUPPOSED TO ASK
"HOW MANY DID Y'ALL KILL?"
TWO DUCKS.
TWO DUCKS.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND BE EXCITED
ABOUT IT.
HEY, PHIL, I'MA NEED YOU TO
TAKE CARE OF THE GRANDDAUGHTERS
FOR A CHANGE.
THE GIRLS HERE?
WILLIE JUST CALLED.
HE NEEDS ME FOR SOMETHING.
YOU JUST TAKE THEM.
YOU TEACH THEM ABOUT THE TREES
AND THE WATER AND ALL THE GOOD
STUFF.
WHERE WE GO, THOSE GIRLS LIKE
THAT GET KILLED.
HEY!
NO...
I DON'T DO WELL WITH LITTLE
GIRLS.
BEING COOPED UP WITH 'EM ALL
DAY?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
THAT'S THE MAMAW ZONE, NOT
PAPAW.
IT'S YOUR CHRISTIAN DUTY AS A
GRANDPA TO TAKE TIME WITH THOSE
KIDS.
OH, I LOVE THEM LITTLE
GRANDDAUGHTERS, YOU KNOW, BUT
THEY ARE A CHORE.
A BIG ONE.
YOU AIN'T TALKING ABOUT
TODAY?
YEAH, I'M TALKING ABOUT
TODAY.
LOOK, SI, YOU CAN HELP TOO.
OKAY.
TAKE CARE OF THESE GIRLS?
THAT'S LIKE A VIETNAM FIREFIGHT.
I GOTTA GET OUT OF THIS.
DO NOT LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO
THEM, OKAY?
TEACH THEM SOME LIFE LESSONS.
BYE, I LOVE Y'ALL.
BYE.
'CAUSE I KNOW PHIL.
IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF.
YEAH, I'LL TEACH 'EM SOME
THINGS.
START WITH SHUTTING UP AND
SITTING DOWN.
THAT'S THE WAY IT'LL BE WITH
THE LITTLE GIRLS.
IT'LL BE EVERY LITTLE GIRL FOR
THEIRSELF.
Y'ALL BE REAL QUIET FOR ABOUT
AN HOUR.
WHAT ARE Y'ALL GONNA DO?
WE'RE GONNA TAKE A NAP.
NOW WE'RE BABYSITTING, SI.
WHAT HAVE WE GOT INTO?
WE'RE SO THERE.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
OH, MY GOODNESS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, KAY?
WHAT?
IT'S THE ROBERTSON WINERY.
I JUST BOUGHT IT.
OH...
I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
IT'S NOT OFTEN THAT MY BOYS BUY
SOMETHING I CAN ACTUALLY
APPRECIATE.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
LIKE BACK IN THE PIONEER
DAYS, WHEN THEY HAD WINE, KAY.
THIS IS THE VINEYARD.
THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.
MY QUESTION IS, WHERE ARE ALL
THE GRAPES?
OH.
YEAH.
NEEDS A LITTLE WORK.
LITTLE WORK.
HEY, WILLIE, YOU BIG
EXTRAVAGANT PURCHASER.
WHERE ARE THE GRAPES?
WILLIE SHOWED ME A BUNCH OF
PICTURES OF A BUNCH OF VINES.
HEY, IT'S GONNA LOOK LIKE THE
PICTURES.
SHOW ME THE GRAPES!
YOU GOTTA PUT HAND TO PLOW,
SON, HAND TO PLOW.
TRYING TO MAKE WINE WITH NO
GRAPES.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN MIRACLES?
I CAN SEE IT NOW.
THIS WHOLE THING IS GONNA BE
SLAM-FULL OF GRAPES.
WE JUST HIT IT AT THE WRONG
TIME.
YOU CAN ALWAYS TURN WATER
INTO WINE...
IF YOU'RE JESUS.
OH, IT'S GONNA BE NICE.
THE LAST TIME I CHECKED, YOUR
NAME WAS WILLIE.
YOU GONNA BE BUYING WINE AT THE
QUICK STOP.
YEAH, THAT'S REAL FUNNY.
I AIN'T SURE WHERE THE GRAPES
WENT TO, BUT HEY, IT'S NO
PROBLEM.
WHEN IN DOUBT, FIGURE IT OUT.
THAT'S THE REDNECK WAY.
I THINK I NEED TO CALL IN AN
EXPERT.
YOU SHOULDA CALLED THE EXPERT
BEFORE YOU BOUGHT THIS THING.
THIS PLACE IS NICE, ISN'T IT?
I KNOW.
WE JUST GOTTA FIGURE OUT HOW TO
DO IT, DON'T WE?
THAT'S WHY I GOT THE EXPERT
COMING IN.
LOOK, I REALIZE I'M IN OVER MY
HEAD.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES, BUT
DON'T HIT THE PANIC BUTTON.
I GOT A SOMMELIER ON THE WAY.
HEY, JEFF.
HEY, HOW Y'ALL DOING?
JEFF LANDRY, WITH LANDRY
VINEYARDS.
WE WERE JUST SO EXCITED ABOUT
HEARING ABOUT YA'LL BUYING A
WINERY.
IT'S A TOUGH BUSINESS.
GROWING IS TOUGH.
WINEMAKING IS TOUGH TOO, I
MEAN...
YOU MIGHT SHOULD'VE FOUND OUT
SOME FACTS, YOU KNOW, ABOUT...
I LOOKED ONLINE.
I READ A BUNCH OF STUFF.
WELL, GOOD, I FEEL BETTER
NOW.
THANK YOU.
MOST OF THE REDNECKS I KNOW
THINK WINE ONLY COMES IN A BOX.
THERE'S WAY MORE VARIETIES.
CABERNET SAUVIGNON, MERLOT...
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE TWO THAT
I KNOW ABOUT.
WE WERE GONNA DO A WINE TASTING
AT THE END OF THE MONTH.
WELL, YOU GOT A... YOU GOT A
WAYS TO GO BEFORE YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE SOMETHING IN A BOTTLE.
YOU JUMPED THE GUN AS USUAL,
DIDN'T YOU?
I THOUGHT YOU JUST WENT OUT
THERE AND PICKED 'EM.
YOU HAVE A DEGREE, BUT IT'S
NOT IN WINEMAKING, IS IT?
NO, IT'S IN WINE DRINKING.
OKAY.
I MEAN, JESUS TURNED WATER
INTO WINE.
HOW HARD CAN IT BE?
WELL, THERE'S A LITTLE LEAF.
THIS IS BLANC DU BOIS.
THAT'S THE NAME OF THIS GRAPE.
BLONDE DA WHO?
BLANC DU BOIS.
IT'S A WINE GRAPE.
SO ALL THESE ARE BLONDE DU
BLONDES?
UH, BLANC DU BOIS.
BLONDE DU WAH.
BLANC DU BOIS.
BLONDE DU WAH.
WILLIE CAN'T EVEN PRONOUNCE
THE NAME OF THE GRAPES.
IT'S BLONDE DU BRAH.
SEE, I CAN'T EVEN PRONOUNCE THE
NAME OF THE WINE.
I MEAN, YOU'RE FOUR MONTHS
AWAY BEFORE YOU'RE READY TO
PRODUCE GRAPES, BUT YOU'RE STILL
OVER A YEAR AWAY BEFORE YOU HAVE
SOMETHING IN A BOTTLE, YOU KNOW?
AW, MAN.
I DON'T KNOW IF THIS GUY KNOWS,
BUT I'M ABOUT THE LEAST PATIENT
PERSON ON THIS PLANET.
HE'S GIVING ME THE TEN-YEAR
PLAN.
I WANT THE TEN-DAY PLAN.
I MEAN, YOU CAN BUY GRAPES,
BUT THE PROBLEM IS THIS IS NOT
HARVEST SEASON FOR ANY PART OF
THE COUNTRY RIGHT NOW.
THERE'S GRAPES AT THE GROCERY
STORE, I SEE 'EM EVERY WEEK.
COULD YOU JUST BUY 'EM AND
BRING 'EM IN?
WELL, THAT'S NOT THE SAME
TYPE OF GRAPE.
WINE GRAPES ARE VERY COMPLEX IN
FLAVOR AND CHARACTER.
WELL, WE'LL FIGURE SOMETHING
OUT.
I JUST BOUGHT A WINE FARM WITH
NO WINE ON IT.
WE'VE GOT A HUGE WINE-TASTING
EVENT THAT KORIE'S ALREADY SENT
INVITATIONS OUT TO.
WE GOT NO GRAPES, AND WE GOT NO
WINE ON HAND.
IT'S TIME FOR PLAN B.
JASE, HEY.
GET ME SOME WINE GRAPES.
WINE GRAPES?
WHEN BATMAN NEEDED SOMETHING,
HE CALLED ROBIN.
GOOGLE IT OR SOMETHING, I DON'T
KNOW.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I GOT MY OWN BOY WONDER.
YOU GET THE WINE GRAPES AND MEET
US HERE.
WELL, WILLIE...
ALL RIGHT, BYE.
SI, HOW'D WE GET ROPED INTO
BABYSITTING DETAIL?
ARE Y'ALL HAVING FUN YET?
All: NO!
THERE'S MORE YIPPING AND
SQUEALING COMING OUT OF LITTLE
GIRLS THAN I EVEN THOUGHT WAS
IMAGINABLE.
WHERE IS IT ALL COMING FROM?
AAH! AAH!
I WOULD SAY THAT'S JUST THIS
SIDE OF HELL, MAYBE HELL ITSELF.
UNCLE SI...
HEY.
WHY ARE WE HERE?
WE GOT WORK TO DO ON THIS
DUCK BLIND.
GRAB THIS CANE AND START PUTTING
IT ON THIS BLIND.
THAT'S YOUR JOB, MISTER!
IT'S YOUR JOB TODAY.
IT AIN'T NO TELLING WHAT THESE
GIRLS IS GONNA PUT ME AND HIM
THROUGH.
I... I PUT 'EM TO
WORK, YOU KNOW?
THAT WAY AT LEAST I GET
SOMETHING OUT OF 'EM.
LITTLE PIGLETS.
HEY, LOOK HERE.
GET SOME MORE MUD ON THAT BLIND.
UNCLE SI, WHEN ARE WE GONNA
DO SOMETHING WE WANNA DO?
WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANNA DO?
WE'RE WAITING TO DO A TEA
PARTY.
A TEA PARTY?
WE AIN'T GOT NO TEAPOT.
THEY'RE TRYING TO FEMINIZE US.
I COULD'VE TRAINED A BUNCH OF
MONKEYS TO DO MORE THAN THESE
GIRLS BEEN HELPING TODAY.
ALL THEY'VE DONE IS GET ME
MUDDY.
HEY!
GET... GET OUT OF THE MUD!
HEY!
AND I FINALLY HAD ENOUGH OF IT
AND STARTED AFTER 'EM WITH A
STICK.
THEIR MOTHER AND DADDY MAY NOT
WHUP 'EM, BUT HELL, UNCLE SI
WILL TEAR THEIR TAIL UP.
SEE RIGHT HERE?
THIS IS HOW YOU GET DUCKS.
I LIKE CHICK-FIL-A, NOT DUCK.
THAT'S A BAD SIGN.
THESE AIN'T REDNECK GIRLS.
THESE ARE YUPPIE GIRLS.
NOPE.
RICH KIDS.
WHAT IS A REDNECK?
WELL, HEY, YOU'RE NOT ONE IF
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
THESE GIRLS HAVE GONE YUPPIE
RIGHT BEFORE MY VERY EYES, AND
IT'S A FRIGHTENING SIGHT.
MY UNDIES ARE WET AND I AM
TIRED!
OH, THE THRILL AND THE WONDER
OF GRANDCHILDREN.
I'LL SHOW YOU REDNECK.
I'M GONNA TEACH THESE GRANDKIDS
OF MINE THE ROBERTSON WAY.
LET'S GET 'EM BACK TO THE
HOUSE AND HOSE ALL FOUR OF 'EM
DOWN.
COME ON, GET OUT OF THERE.
LET'S GO.
I'MA BE TASTING THESE GRAPES
FOR A MONTH, 'CAUSE ALL THE
JUICES DRAIN DOWN IN MY BEARD.
THERE'S WILL.
LOOK AT HIM.
YOU GOT 'EM?
OH, WE GOT 'EM.
ALL THE GRAPES YOU CAN EAT.
SEEMS LIKE A BAD SIGN WHEN
YOU BUY A VINEYARD AND THE FIRST
THING YOU HAVE TO DO IS BUY SOME
GRAPES.
WHAT VINEYARD DID YOU GET
THESE FROM?
I WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE
AND I BOUGHT 'EM.
HE SAID TO GET WINE GRAPES.
I KNOW, BUT LISTEN TO ME.
I LOOKED IT UP.
ALL A WINE GRAPE IS IS A GRAPE
WITH A LOT OF SUGAR IN IT.
IT'LL WORK, I'M TELLING YOU.
WELL, QUIT EATING ALL OF 'EM.
COME RIGHT UP HERE, LET ME
SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
STAND RIGHT HERE, REAL STILL.
STAND REAL CLOSE TOGETHER.
GET IN A CIRCLE.
Y'ALL HAD SO MUCH FUN GETTING
ME AND PAPAW PHIL ALL MUDDY.
NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME AND PAPAW
PHIL TO HAVE SOME FUN.
SEE, NOW WATCH, LOOK.
COME OVER HERE, Y'ALL.
DON'T BE MOVING.
AAH!
THERE AIN'T BUT ONE WAY I
KNOW OF TO CLEAN UP A MUDDY
GRANDCHILD.
DON'T BE RUNNING.
DON'T RUN.
JUST HOSE THE WHOLE BATCH
DOWN.
DON'T RUN, COME BACK HERE.
WE GOTTA GET ALL THAT MUD OFF OF
Y'ALL.
I WAS TRYING TO DO THE RIGHT
THING HERE.
IT WAS MY IDEA OF TRYING TO BE
NICE.
ARE Y'ALL HAVING FUN YET?
THEY ALL WENT TO SQUEALING AND
CARRYING ON, YOU KNOW?
AAH!
WOMEN.
NOW WE'RE HAVING FUN, GIRLS!
GET BACK UP HERE, YOU AIN'T
CLEAN YET!
NOW Y'ALL ARE ALL CLEAN.
LOOK HERE.
SEE THIS RIGHT HERE?
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
All: CATFISH.
THE BEST-EATIN' FISH THAT
SWIMS IN THE RIVER, RIGHT HERE
WHAT I HAVE.
IF YOU FIND A WOMAN WHO KNOWS
HOW TO SKIN A CATFISH AND CUT
HIM UP, EVERY MAN ON THE EARTH
WOULD BE PROUD TO HAVE HER.
I'MA SHOW Y'ALL HOW TO CLEAN
HIM.
Y'ALL WATCHING?
WE'RE GONNA PULL HIS HIDE OFF OF
HIM, YOU SEE WHAT I'M SAYING?
OH!
IT'S JUST LIKE PUTTING YOUR
SOCK ON AND TAKING YOUR SOCK
OFF.
OH, GROSS!
THIS USED TO BE HIS HEAD...
WATCH THIS.
ARE Y'ALL WATCHING?
NO!
SEE RIGHT THERE?
EWW!
LOOK HERE.
THIS IS WORSE THAN JAWS.
FRESH CATFISH, GET THE PEANUT
OIL ON.
THAT WAS A FISH FRY.
I THOUGHT MY GRANDDAUGHTERS
WOULD BE ELATED.
THESE ARE LIKE FISH NUGGETS.
EWW.
THAT'S NASTY.
THAT'S DINNER, RIGHT OUT OF
THE RIVER, READY TO FRY.
SO WHAT DO Y'ALL THINK?
All: GRILLED CHEESE!
GRILLED CHEESE!
YOU GIRLS DON'T KNOW WHAT
GOOD FOOD IS.
NO, THEY DON'T.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.
WE GOTTA GET THE GRAPES INTO THE
CRUSHER.
IT'S GONNA PULL THE STEMS OUT,
DROP THE CRUSHED GRAPES INTO THE
PRESS, AND WE'LL GET THE JUICE.
I'M GONNA CRUSH 'EM.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S THE
CRUSHER.
Y'ALL GET THE GRAPES IN THERE,
I'LL GET IT FROM THE PRESS.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO!
FIRE IN THE HOLE.
MAYBE THIS IS EASIER THAN I
THOUGHT.
WE'RE TEN MINUTES INTO THIS...
JUICE IS FLOWING.
WE GOT JUICE!
YOU CAN ALREADY SMELL THE
WINE.
AAH!
WE GOT A TON OF JUICE!
IT'S GETTING FULL.
IT'S GETTING FULL!
IT'S GETTING FULL!
HOLD UP!
HEY, JASE!
IT'S GETTING TOO FULL!
IT'S GETTING TOO FULL!
ALL RIGHT, NOW IT'S FULL.
NOW IT'S FULL.
YEAH, I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT THAT
LAST BOX.
THAT WAS CLOSE.
THANKS.
WELL, DOES THIS GO ON IT,
WILL?
OKAY, NOW WHAT?
YOU'RE THE MASTER WINEMAKER.
I'M NOT SURE HE KNOWS WHAT
HE'S DOING.
NOW WE GOT JUICE.
SEE IT PUSHING?
OH, IT'S BUBBLING.
OH, THIS IS LIKE TAKING A
WINE BUBBLE BATH.
YEAH.
YEAH, THIS HAS SPED IT UP.
OH, SHOOT.
UH-OH.
UH-OH, IT'S SPITTING UP.
WE SPRUNG A LEAK.
SPRUNG A LEAK!
HEY, IT'S SPITTING UP.
WE GOT A BLOWOUT.
LOOK, IT'S JUST LIKE
EVERYBODY'S, LIKE, LEAVING THE
SHIP.
I LOOK DOWN, AND I SEE THE
REGURGITATION OF GRAPES IN EVERY
WAY POSSIBLE.
IS THAT THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO
WORK?
GET THE PIECES OUT.
IT'S, LIKE, VOMITING.
THEY KEEP OOZING OUT EVERY
ORIFICE.
HEY, IT'S COMING OUT AT THE
TOP!
LOOK OUT.
WE CAN'T STOP IT.
TOO MANY!
WHOA!
AW, HERE WE GO.
AAH!
HERE... HERE... OH...
AAH!
DON'T LET 'EM COME OUT.
AAH!
GRAPES ARE FLYING.
SHOOM! SHOOM!
AH!
I'M HIT!
GRAPE SHRAPNEL!
KAY'S DOWN!
OH, MY SHOES!
AAH!
I NEVER REALIZED THAT FRUIT
COULD BE SO VIOLENT AND
DANGEROUS.
IT'S LIKE A GRAPE HORROR SHOW.
I'VE NEVER MADE WINE, BUT I
WOULDN'T THINK THIS IS STANDARD
OPERATING PROCEDURE HERE.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
NOW, MR. BIG SHOT?
THIS AIN'T WORKING.
I'VE NEVER MADE WINE, BUT I
WOULDN'T THINK THIS IS STANDARD
OPERATING PROCEDURE HERE.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO
NOW, MR. BIG SHOT?
LOOK OUT!
I SAW THIS ON A MOVIE ONE
TIME.
THIS IS THE FIRST JOB,
WILLIE, THAT YOU'VE EVER COME
OUT WITH THAT'S GOOD TO HAVE
BIG, WEIGHTY INDIVIDUALS.
I CAN TASTE THE WINE RIGHT
NOW, CAN'T Y'ALL?
NOW THIS IS THE FUN PART,
ISN'T IT?
THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC
HAPPENS.
I KNOW THERE'S A SPECIFIC RECIPE
TO MAKE GOOD WINE.
YOU DUMP IT IN.
I'LL BE A DUMPER.
WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT.
WHOOPS.
JASE!
IF A LITTLE SUGAR AND A LITTLE
YEAST IS GOOD...
I DON'T KNOW MUCH SUGAR TO PUT
IN IT.
A LOT WILL MAKE IT A WHOLE LOT
BETTER.
DOWN THE HATCH.
AND WE'RE FIXING TO HAVE THE
BEST BATCH OF WINE MONEY CAN
BUY.
WILLIE, HE SPILLED SOME.
HE POURED IT ALL OVER THE
PLACE.
STOP IT!
WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE DOING, YOU MIGHT AS WELL
DO IT QUICKLY.
JASE, YOU'RE SPILLING ALL OUR
PROFITS.
WE'RE GONNA MAKE SOME WINE,
LET'S MAKE SOMETHING THAT NO ONE
HAS EVER TASTED BEFORE... EVER.
HOW'S IT SMELL?
IT'S GOT A MUSTINESS ABOUT
IT.
WE NEED MORE SUGAR.
A LITTLE SPICE.
A LITTLE KICK TO IT.
A LITTLE NASTINESS.
OH, YEAH.
MORE JUICE!
GOLLY, THAT WENT DOWN MY
SHIRT!
ALL THAT SUGAR.
AAH!
OH, PHIL WILL BE NOSING
AROUND AND FIND THAT.
THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT THIS
WINE IS GONNA BE DELICIOUS.
WE PUT TOO MUCH WORK INTO IT.
ALL SEALED UP.
WHAT OTHER DUCK CALL MAKER
HAS THEIR OWN WINE?
NONE.
WE JUST MADE SOME WINE.
PURPLE GOLD.
DO YOU NEED ONE OF THESE?
I DON'T THINK I CAN USE THAT.
I'M NOT A FEATHERY-TYPE PERSON.
GRANDDAUGHTERS WILL EXHAUST YOU
FAR MORE QUICKLY THAN GRANDSONS,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
YOU WANT SOME EARRINGS?
FINGERNAIL POLISH?
I THINK I'LL PASS ON BOTH OF
'EM.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T DO MAKEUP.
I DON'T CARE WHO'S WAVING
LIPSTICK AND MAYBELLINE AROUND,
I AIN'T GOING THERE... AT ALL.
SEE, REAL MEN DON'T FOOL WITH
STUFF LIKE THAT.
YOU NEED SOME KINDA GIRLIE MAN.
IF WE GONNA DO THIS, WE GONNA
DO IT RIGHT.
I WANT NAIL POLISH ON MY NAILS.
GET THE NAIL POLISH OUT.
I'VE HAD A LOT OF PEOPLE TELL
ME THAT I HAVE A FEMININE SIDE.
HEY, I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S A
GOOD THING OR A BAD THING.
DO THIS WITH YOUR HANDS.
OH, YOU DO THIS?
THAT'S ONE OF THEM DEALS YOU
TOSS A COIN AND... HEY, HOPE IT
HITS ON THE RIGHT SIDE.
HEY, Y'ALL.
WE NEED SOME LIPSTICK FOR
HIM.
DOES ANYBODY HAVE SOME?
LIPSTICK?
I KNOW I'VE GOT A TIARA ON MY
HEAD, EARRINGS ON MY EARS, LIP
GLOSS...
I DON'T HAVE ANY FEATHERS.
I HAVE TWO.
I THINK THE LITTLE FEATHER
THING THAT I HAD AROUND MY NECK
AND GOING OVER
MY SHOULDER... HEY,
THAT WAS THE FINEST TOUCH.
THE REST OF IT WAS JUST WINDOW
DRESSING.
AND YOU CAN PUT ON A DRESS.
OH, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.
WE'RE GOING TOO FAR NOW.
OH, NO, YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA
PUT ON A DRESS ALL RIGHT.
NO, HEY, DON'T... DON'T CONFUSE
ME WITH A MAN THAT LIKES TO
DRESS UP.
I'M GONNA DRAW
THE LINE ON... HEY,
NO DRESS.
GOOD MIGHTY LIVING, SI.
I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD IT IN YOU.
YOU WANT ANOTHER HAND?
WHOO.
GRANDPA PHIL IS BEING A STICK
IN THE MUD.
HOW YOU BEEN?
I GOT EVERYBODY HERE.
MY FAMILY, I'VE GOT SPECIAL
GUESTS, I'VE GOT INVESTORS,
POTENTIAL CUSTOMERS.
I BROUGHT ALL OF 'EM IN FOR THIS
WINE TASTING.
WE ARE SO EXCITED TONIGHT TO
MALLARD
MERLOT FROM DUCK COMMANDER.
DUCK COMMANDER WINE WILL PROPEL
US TO THE TOP... THE TOP OF
WHATEVER IT PUTS YOU AT WITH A
WINE LABEL AND DUCK CALL
COMBINATION.
CHEERS, TO MALLARD MERLOT!
All: CHEERS!
DRINK UP!
THE WINE THAT WE'VE CREATED
KINDA TASTES LIKE A CROSS
BETWEEN DOE URINE AND JALAPENO
JUICE.
YO...
AND IT SMELLS LIKE COON PEE.
HEY, I ENJOYED IT.
FULL-BODIED.
CITY SLICKERS DON'T KNOW WHAT'S
GOOD.
THAT'S THE NASTIEST STUFF I
EVER TRIED TO DRINK IN MY LIFE.
OH, MY GOODNESS!
WELL, WILLIE, AT LEAST YOU
TRIED, SON.
AT LEAST YOU TRIED.
WE'RE HUNTERS, NOT GATHERERS.
WE CAN DO WEDDINGS OR
SOMETHING HERE...
JUST NOT WINE.
I'M GONNA BUY WINE IN THE BOX.
FATHER, WE ARE GRATEFUL FOR
ONE MORE DAY ON PLANET EARTH.
THANK YOU, FATHER, FOR OUR
GRANDCHILDREN, OUR LITTLE
GRANDDAUGHTERS.
I PRAY, FATHER, WE NEVER FORGET
WHERE WE CAME FROM AND WHERE WE
ARE NOW.
AMEN.
All: AMEN.
DIG IN!
THERE AREN'T MANY SURE THINGS
IN THIS WORLD, AND EVEN THE
SMARTEST IDEAS MAY NOT PAY OFF,
LIKE DUCK COMMANDER WINE, OR
PHIL AND SI TAKING CARE OF
YOUNG, IMPRESSIONABLE GIRLS.
IF YOU WANT AN
IDEA TO SUCCEED, YOU HAVE TO
TAKE RISK, BECAUSE THE ONLY
INVESTMENTS GUARANTEED NOT TO
PAY OFF ARE THE ONES YOU NEVER
MAKE.
ANYBODY WANNA BUY A WINERY?