Duck Dynasty (2012–2017): Season 1, Episode 7 - Leave it to Beavers - full transcript

♪ ♪

IT LOOKS LIKE IT'S BONE DRY.

HOUSTON, THERE IS A PROBLEM.

SOMETHING IS AFOUL SOMEWHERE.

WE ARE LOSING WATER AND WE
DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S GOING.

WE'VE GOT BIG TIME
PROBLEMS HERE.

THAT WATER WAS A FOOT UP ON
THEM OAK TREES OUT THERE, SI.

IN ORDER TO ATTRACT DUCKS
WE HAVE A LEVEE SYSTEM TO HOLD

POOLS OF WATER.

NO WATER, NO DUCKS.

THAT AIN'T GOOD AT ALL.



WHOO!

DUCKS ARE LIKE WOMEN IN THAT
THEY DON'T LIKE A LOT OF MUD ON

THEIR BUTTS.

WHAT WE HAVE
NOW IS A LOT OF MUD.

I SEE BEAVER SIGNS,
SI, ALL OUT IN HERE.

THEM BUCK-TOOTHED RASCALS.

WE FIGURE ITS BEAVER THAT'S
KNOCKED A HOLE IN OUR LEVEE.

PUT A BULLET IN
EVERY ONE OF THEM.

BURN THEIR HUTS DOWN.

HE'S THE PELTED PLAGUE.

HE'S A LOG CHEWER.

WATER JOKER.

FLAT-TAILED RASCAL.

I HATE THEM SUCKERS.



A MAN AND HIS BEAVERS.

THEY AIN'T BEATING ME.

PHIL'S THE DUCK COMMANDER.

WELL, IF I COME UP
WITH A BEAVER CALL...

I COULD BECOME "THE BEAVER

COMMANDER."

GOT A NICE RING TO IT.

"BEAVER COMMANDER."

"BEAVER COMMANDER."

MEASURE THOSE IN THAT BOWL
AND THEN YOU DUMP THAT IN THERE.

FIVE CUPS.

IN THE KITCHEN, IT'S JUST A
LOVE THAT'S BEEN THERE SINCE I

WAS A GIRL.

I WISH I COULD FIND A LOVE FOR

CLEANING MY HOUSE.

I COULD CARE LESS ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW, AND I WAS JUST
THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH FUN WE'D

HAVE IF I OPENED A RESTAURANT.

YOU SHOULD.

AND JUST COOK AND COOK AND COOK.

I THINK EVERYBODY WOULD PAY
TOP DOLLAR TO EAT YOUR COOKING.

I BASICALLY FEEL LIKE I'VE BEEN
RUNNING A RESTAURANT FOR A

LOT OF MEN FOR A LOT OF YEARS.

HEY, BOYS.

EXCEPT NOBODY PAYS.

WHERE'S THE BISCUITS?

I HAVEN'T MADE THE BISCUITS YET.

WHAT GOOD IS JELLY
WITHOUT BISCUITS?

GUESS WHAT MY NEW IDEA IS?

MAKING BISCUITS.

I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF
HAVING MY OWN RESTAURANT.

KAY'S BEEN ON THIS
RESTAURANT IDEA FOR YEARS.

KAY, YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE JELLY
ONE DAY AND THEN DECIDE TO START

A RESTAURANT.

I CAN'T FUND ALL MOM'S
CRAZY IDEAS FOR BUSINESSES.

YOU KNOW I CAN COOK
FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE.

HAVE I NOT BEEN
DOING THAT FOR YEARS?

HEY, A RESTAURANT IS MORE
THAN COOKING, IT'S BUSINESS.

ONE TIME SHE WANTED
TO OPEN A PUBLIC LIBRARY...

IN HER HOUSE.

I LOVE BOOKS.

I LIKE GOING TO THE LIBRARY.

I DON'T WANT THAT IN MY HOUSE.

WE'RE REALLY GONNA DO IT.

OKAY.

IT'S WORTH A TRY.

ALL RIGHT, WE'LL GET
BACK ON... WHERE'S PHIL?

WHERE IS PHIL ALWAYS?

AT THE LAND.

AAH! STOP IT!

CAN YOU BELIEVE THEM
SUCKERS DID THAT?

I GOT NEWS FOR THEM BEAVERS.

THEY AIN'T BEATING ME.

PHIL?

WILLIE TO PHIL.

WILLIE TO PHIL?

THAT'S THE CALL
WE'VE BEEN WAITING ON.

YEAH, I'M HERE.

WHERE Y'ALL AT?

WE'RE DOWN HERE LOOKING
AT WHAT WAS THE PRIVET HOLE.

WE ARE LOSING
WATER VERY RAPIDLY.

I WOULD SUSPECT IT'S
THEM DAG-BLASTED BEAVERS.

SO Y'ALL GET YOUR TAIL DOWN
HERE, LET'S SEE IF WE CAN FIND

OUT WHERE THE PROBLEM
IS, SEE IF WE CAN FIX IT.

WE GOT TO GET ON THAT.

IT'S TIME TO GO GET THE BEAVERS.

THEY'VE CHEWED
ANOTHER HOLE IN THE LEVEE.

AND EVERY YEAR WE'RE OUT
THERE LOOKING FOR THEM.

WE NEVER GET 'EM.

Y'ALL COME ON DOWN IN HERE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEY
NEED, THEY NEED A BULLET IN

THEIR HEAD.

DAD IS ON A MISSION.

AND WE'RE ALL GONNA BE THERE
TRYING TO GET THAT BEAVER.

WHERE Y'ALL AT RIGHT NOW?

COMING OVER, DO
Y'ALL NEED ANYTHING?

YOU BRING PLENTY OF MUSCLE
AND BLOOD IN YOUR EYES.

AND HEY, TELL THEM TO BRING
ME SOME TEA, I'M RUNNING OUT.

SI SAID BRING HIM SOME TEA.

I'M DOWN TO THE LAST LITTLE SIP.

WE FIXED TO OBLITERATE
EVERY BEAVER AROUND HERE.

THIS IS A BIG DEAL.

THE WATER LEVELS
CONTROL THE DUCKS.

AND THE DUCKS
CONTROL OUR HUNTING.

AND OUR HUNTING
CONTROLS OUR LIFE.

ALL HANDS ON DECK.

WHERE'S ALL THE WATER?

THAT'S ALL WE GOT LEFT, UP HERE.

THAT ONE LITTLE HOLE.

WE GOT TO FIND THIS DAM, AND
WE GOT TO KILL THESE BEAVERS.

QUICK.

LOOK AT THESE TRACKS.

WAY MORE THAN ONE TOO.

THAT'S A GROUP OF THEM.

THAT'S A SMALL COLONY.

A BEAVER IS ABOUT
LIKE THE NINJAS.

THE SUCKERS ONLY WORK AT
NIGHT AND THEY'RE HARD TO FIND.

THIS IS WHERE THEIR HOUSE WAS.

HEH, LOOKIE HERE.

THEY ATE YOUR BOARD.

HOW MANY WOULD
IT TAKE TO DO THAT?

I DON'T KNOW BUT THAT'S
A BELLYFUL OF TWO-BY-SIX.

THAT SUCKER HAS
SOME JAWS ON HIM.

HE CAN GNAW THROUGH A TWO-BY-SIX
LIKE A KNIFE GOING THROUGH

BUTTER.

HE'S THE SUPER-BEAVER.

THAT IS A LOT OF DAMAGE
IN A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.

THAT'S ALL I GOTTA SAY.

I THINK THEY KNOW WHO I AM.

THEY'VE DECLARED WAR ON YOU.

YEAH, THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.

IT IS PERSONAL.

MAN AGAINST FURRY ANIMALS.

I'LL WIN THE CONTEST
BEFORE IT'S OVER.

WE GOT TO KILL THESE SUCKERS
IF IT'S THE LAST THING WE DO.

IF WE FIND EVERY BEAVER DAM
ON THE PROPERTY, LOAD IT WITH

DYNAMITE, THAT WOULD BE A START.

I BELIEVE YOU'RE RIGHT, SI.

KILL THE BEAVERS.

GOT TO KILL 'EM ALL!

SO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
NIGHT I HEAR THIS, LIKE, BIG THUD.

WILLIE GETS UP TO GO TO THE
BATHROOM, TRIPS AND SLAMS HIS

NOSE RIGHT INTO THE CLOSET DOOR.

NO WAY!

NO!

MISS KAY, LADIES,
HOW Y'ALL DOIN' TODAY?

HI!

SO GOOD TO SEE
Y'ALL, HOW'S THE FOOD?

THIS IS MY FAVORITE
PLACE TO COME.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR
COMING IN, WE APPRECIATE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I
WANNA ASK YOU SOMETHING.

HOW HARD IS IT TO
RUN THIS RESTAURANT?

WHY, ARE YOU THINKING
ABOUT RUNNING A RESTAURANT?

KAY, YOU PRACTICALLY
RUN A RESTAURANT ALREADY.

IT'S AT YOUR HOUSE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE
RUNNING A REAL RESTAURANT

THOUGH?

I WORKED IN A CHICKEN SHACK.

FRY IT UP AND STICK IT OUT THE
WINDOW AND THERE YOU GO, NOTHING

BUT CHICKEN AND A ROLL.

A CHICKEN SHACK?

GO AHEAD AND TELL
HIM WHAT YOU WANT, KAY.

I WOULD LIKE SOME EXPERIENCE.

REALLY?

IN A REAL RESTAURANT.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

I'M CLOSED ON SUNDAYS, MAYBE YOU
COULD COME BY IN A COUPLE WEEKS

AND I'LL GIVE YOU A SHOT.

I CAN DO IT.

WHEN I HEAR AN
OPPORTUNITY, I JUMP AT IT.

I WANNA BE THERE THIS SUNDAY.

I CAN RUN THIS
RESTAURANT THIS SUNDAY.

THIS SUNDAY?

KAY, THAT'S TOMORROW.

IT YOU REALLY WANNA DO
IT, THE KEYS ARE YOURS.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT.

I GOT MYSELF A RESTAURANT.

YOU KNOW WHAT A
BEAVER'S PROBLEM IS?

HE BRINGS A PADDLE
TO A GUNFIGHT.

BOYS, ONE THING I
LEARNED IN VIETNAM...

WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S MAKING ME NERVOUS.

YOU GOTTA GET
THINGS OUT OF HOLES...

YOU GOT TO HAVE
SOMETHING... IS THAT A CANDLE?

CAN SMOKE THEM
OUT AND NAPALM THEM.

SI'S OUR SECRET WEAPON, SINCE
HE HAS A MILITARY BACKGROUND.

HE'S A HANDY MAN TO HAVE AROUND.

YOU JUST HAVE TO
CHANNEL HIS AGGRESSION.

WE'RE GONNA GET 'EM
ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

AND INSANITY.

THESE ARE HOMEMADE BOMBS, SON.

IS THIS LEGAL TO MAKE
YOUR OWN BOMBS THOUGH?

NO.

SI WITH NAPALM CAUSES YOU A
LITTLE BIT OF CONSTERNATION.

THAT'LL SEND A SHIVER
DOWN ANYBODY'S BACK.

HEY, I CAME PREPARED.

HEY, LOOK HERE, BEAVERS, YOU

BETTER HIDE YOUR WIVES,
HIDE YOUR HUSBANDS,

AND LOOK HERE, BOTH OF YOU HIDE
YOUR KIDS, 'CAUSE WE'RE COMING.

ALL RIGHT, BOYS...
HEY! WE'RE TAKING NO

PRISONERS!

I THINK JUDGMENT DAY IS HERE.

JUDGMENT DAY IS HERE.

HEY, NO PRISONERS, BOYS.

SOME FAMILIES PLAY BASEBALL,
SOME FAMILIES DO HORSESHOES...

WHAT ABOUT THIS HOLE OVER HERE?

I FIGURE ONE'S IN THAT ONE.

US? NO, IT'S BEAVER HUNTING.

THERE YOU GO.

YOU ACTUALLY TRUST THAT?

I DIDN'T EVEN WANNA
BE A PART OF THIS...

AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I'M
LIGHTING SI'S HOMEMADE BOMBS.

WHICH IS KIND OF COOL.

ALL RIGHT, IF HE'S IN THERE,
BOYS, THAT'LL BRING HIM OUT.

Boom!

UH-HUH.

HOLY COW.

JUST WHAT I THOUGHT.

GET READY, 'CAUSE HEY, IF HE'S
IN THERE, THAT JOKER WILL COME

OUT OF THERE, JACK.

NOPE.

NOPE.

THIS WAS A HUGE WASTE OF TIME.

I KNEW THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN.

WE'RE LIKE THAT OTHER TEAM THAT
THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS PLAY.

WE'RE THAT TEAM.

THE BEAVERS ARE THE
HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS.

SPINNIN' THEIR BALLS.

ON THEIR PAWS.

I DON'T THINK THEY'RE
COMING OUT HERE.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
DO THIS THING AT NIGHT.

I THINK THE MORE DUCK RECIPES

THE BETTER.

THERE ARE SOME
FRIED DUCKS IN HERE.

SOME LITTLE FRIED FINGER.

YUM.

LIKE DUCK FINGERS, FRIED?

YEAH, THAT'LL BE GOOD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE CHEF ERIC'S
GONNA REALLY LET ME RUN A

RESTAURANT.

THE MENU WE'RE LOOKING AT LOOKS
GREAT, AND I THINK EVERYBODY'S

GONNA LOVE IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT YOU CAN PUT ON YOUR MENU

THERE, WHILE YOU'RE THERE...
FRESH BARBECUED BEAVER.

KILLED DAILY.

OH!

DO PEOPLE EVEN EAT BEAVER?

THAT'S A GOOD RECIPE.

OH, YEAH, HICKORY-SMOKED BEAVER.

I DON'T WANNA
SCARE 'EM TO DEATH.

POSSUM AND SWEET POTATOES.

EW, SI!

THE WOMEN HAVE FORGOT
ABOUT ALL THE FINE BACKWOODS

DELICACIES THAT WE COULD
SERVE IN THAT RESTAURANT.

FRIED NUTRIA RAT HEARTS.

UGH!

SI!

WE'RE GONNA HAVE THEM TOO.

MY... MY STOMACH IS TURNING.

YOU CAN SERVE A B.L.T.

BEAVER, LETTUCE AND
TOMATOES, WITH MAYONNAISE.

ON WHOLE WHEAT.

FINEST SANDWICH THERE IS.

PERFECT RECIPE.

UH-UH.

HEY!

CUT UP IN A WHITE SAUCE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

SPEAKING OF BEAVERS.

THERE ARE MY
BEAVER-KILLERS RIGHT THERE.

SI, WHY ARE Y'ALL HOLLERING?

HEY.

THEY DONE TURNED ALL
MY COOKING IDEAS DOWN.

HEY, BOYS.

I'M RUNNING CHEF ERIC'S
RESTAURANT FOR ONE NIGHT.

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH US?

I NEED EVERYBODY, IT'S A FAMILY.

OH, MY GOSH.

WE DO EVERYTHING BY FAMILY.

EVERYBODY'S GONNA HELP.

THE IDEA OF COOKING WITH KAY
ALL NIGHT, THAT'S A NIGHTMARE.

HOW ABOUT I JUST HIRE SOMEBODY
TO GO IN THERE AND RUN IT FOR

THE NIGHT?

WILLIE.

IT IS NOT THE SAME.

IT'S NOT THE SAME THING.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE
RESTAURANT, BUT I KNOW ABOUT

THEM BEAVERS.

THEY GOTTA DIE.

WE GOT A BEAVER-KILLING
COMING UP, GIRLS.

THEY'RE SO OBSESSED
WITH THE BEAVERS.

LOOK HERE, BOYS.

HEY, THERE'S MY SECRET
WEAPON, RIGHT THERE.

SECRET WEAPON?

WHAT DO YOU GOT, A STEREO?

IT'S A BOOM BOX.

THIS IS A STROKE OF GENIUS
I'VE COME UP WITH ON THIS.

HEY, NEXT THING THEY KNOW...
SI, YOU'VE LOST YOUR MIND.

HEY, NEXT THING THEY KNOW,
HERE COMES TWO OR THREE BEAVERS

AND THEY START BUILDING A DAM
RIGHT THERE WHERE THAT THING IS

SITTING.

OH, BULL-CRAP, SI.

DID YOU JUST SAY SCIENTISTIC?

MOST OF THE STUFF THAT I COME
UP WITH, THEY DON'T TAKE ME

SERIOUS.

BUT THAT'S FINE.

ONE DAY IT'LL HIT 'EM THAT, HEY,
GOOD OLD BOY HAD GOT MORE SENSE

THAN WE EVER
GAVE HIM CREDIT FOR.

WRE'D YOU READ THAT?

OH, I.

I WAS IN THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

WERE YOU IN A
PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE?

SI HAS NEVER HAD A NORMAL
IDEA IN HIS WHOLE LIFE.

YOU'VE GOT MAD
SCIENTIST TENDENCIES.

THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT.

MY TOP TEN OF DUMBEST THINGS
I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE HAS

ALWAYS INVOLVED SI IN SOME WAY.

LET'S DO A TEST,
IS THIS THING ON?

SI, THAT'S YOU.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

THIS TAPE RUNNING?

SHH, SHH.

I'M TESTING.

OKAY, MM-HM.

THAT'S IT?

SI, IT SOUNDS LIKE A BATH TUB.

HE'S RECORDING
HIMSELF TAKING A BATH?

♪ SUWANEE RIVER ♪

I THINK IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
LIKE A STREAM GOING THROUGH

MOUNTAINS.

DAH-DAH-DAH-DAH ♪

NOT AN OLD MAN EASING
INTO A WARM BATH.

THIS RUNNING WATER'S MAKING

ME SLEEPY.

MAKES ME WANNA GO PEE.

I THINK THAT RUSSIAN SCIENTIST
NEEDED TO DO A LITTLE MORE

RESEARCH ON THAT PROJECT.

HE SHOULD HAVE SOLD
IT FOR A SLEEPING-AID.

LISTEN TO THE SOUND
OF RUSHING WATERS...

ABOUT THREE OR FOUR HOURS
LATER YOU WILL BE OUT LIKE A LIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT THAT THING DID.

IT CALLED ON NO BEAVERS.

I TELL YOU WHAT, I'VE HEARD
ENOUGH OF THAT DOGGONE THING.

WHOA!

WHAT Y'ALL SHOOTING AT?

WHAT ARE YOU SHOOTING AT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT
I WAS SHOOTING AT.

I GOT TIRED OF THAT DAD-GUM
RADIO RUNNING WATER ALL NIGHT

LONG.

HE SHOT THE RADIO.

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.

PROBABLY SAW A BEAVER.

ALL RIGHT, IT DIDN'T WORK.

KAY, ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT

TONIGHT?

OH, NO.

I WAS BORN TO COOK FOR PEOPLE.

WELL, THERE'S THE HELP I'VE BEEN

WAITING FOR.

I KNOW I HAVE A CRAZY FAMILY,
BUT WHEN I NEED HELP THEY'RE

THERE FOR ME.

WE'RE NOT HERE LONG.

WHAT?

THIS IS GONNA BE QUICK.

I'M OUTTA SMOKE BOMBS,
NAPALM, AND I'M OUT OF

.22 BULLETS.

YOU'RE GOING BACK?

YEAH, WE'RE GOING BACK.

NO, NO, NO, YOU CAN'T GO BACK.

THE BEAVER WILL BE
THERE TOMORROW.

THE RESTAURANT IS TONIGHT.

THERE'S A TIME TO COOK
AND THERE'S A TIME TO KILL.

THIS IS THE TIME TO KILL.

HEY, THERE'S FIXING TO BE A

BIG GUNFIGHT AT
THE BEAVER CORRAL.

5:00, THAT IS THE CUT-OFF TIME.

JASE, YOU BETTER
LISTEN TO YOUR MAMA.

LISTEN, I BROUGHT YOU INTO THIS
WORLD, YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE IF

IT WASN'T FOR ME.

DON'T FORGET WHERE
YOU CAME FROM, BUDDY.

HEY, THIS IS IT
RIGHT HERE, LOOK.

IS THAT IT, JASE?

SEE THIS BIG MOUND OF BRUSH?

OH-HO, YEAH.

THAT'S A HOUSE.

WE'VE STUMBLED UP ON
THE BEAVER PROMISED LAND.

SO NOW IT'S THE RECKONING.

WHEN I START SHOOTING,
YOU ALL WATCH.

THEY'LL BE RIGHT
THERE IN FRONT OF YOU.

YOU REALIZE THAT ALL THESE
BEAVERS ARE SOMEWHERE SMILING.

I TELL YOU WHAT, YOU'VE GOT
ABOUT FIVE SECONDS TO WIPE THAT

SMILE OFF YOUR FACE.

AAAAH!

THERE HE IS, BOYS!

RIGHT THERE! KILL HIM!

GET HIM!

BOOM-BOOM-BOW-BOW-BOOM-BOW
BOOM-BOOM-BOW-BOW-BOOM-BOW-BOW.

AAAAH!

WAAAAH!

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

KILL 'EM ALL, BOYS.

DID Y'ALL GET HIM?

HE'S DEAD.

YEAH, HE'S DEAD.

ONE DOWN AND 100 TO GO.

I CANNOT BELIEVE
THEY'RE NOT HERE YET.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA LET
ME DOWN, I'M TELLING YOU.

I KNOW MY BOYS AND THEY'RE
NOT GONNA BE LATE, 'CAUSE I'M THEIR

MAMA AND THEY RESPECT ME.

IT'S, LIKE, AFTER 5:00,
AND THEY'RE NOT HERE.

IF THEY DON'T SHOW UP ON
TIME, I'LL WHIP THEIR BUTTS.

LOOK, WHEN JASE LEFT THIS
MORNING ALL HE COULD THINK

ABOUT WAS BEAVERS.

WE'LL CALL THEM AND THEY CAN

MEET US THERE.

THEY HAD ALL DAY TO HUNT THOSE
BEAVERS AND THEY'RE GONNA BE

LATE.

SI, WHAT TIME IS IT?

HEH! BOYS, WE'RE
30 MINUTES LATE.

KAY'S GONNA HAVE A FIT.

HOW DO I GET IN
THESE SITUATIONS?

I JUST GOT BORN
INTO THIS FAMILY.

I'M DOING THE
DUMBEST THINGS EVER.

AAAAAH!

BECAUSE MY LAST
NAME IS ROBERTSON.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

Y'ALL GO TO THAT RESTAURANT,
I AIN'T GOIN' ANYWHERE.

I DON'T DO RESTAURANT GIGS.

NO, ESPECIALLY IN THE
MIDDLE OF A BEAVER-KILLING.

YOU'RE NOT THROUGH
WITH 'EM YET, PHIL?

I AIN'T THROUGH WITH 'EM.

BRING ME SOME MORE
BULLETS BEFORE YOU LEAVE.

WELL, HEY, GIVE
THEM A KISS FOR ME.

A KISS OF DEATH.

OH, I'LL KISS THEM ALL RIGHT.

KAY'S GONNA GIVE YOU THE
KISS OF DEATH IF YOU DON'T COME.

IN THE HEART OF A BEAVER
HUNT, THE LAST THING YOU WANT TO

DO IS RUN OUT TOO QUICK.

MIGHT HAVE MISSED ONE.

WE GOT BEAVERS TO KILL.

YOU AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE WHAT
I'M FIXING TO END UP DOING HERE

TOGHT.

WHERE ARE THOSE GUYS AT?

THE GUYS ARE NOT HERE?

NO.

ALL RIGHT, WHEN THE GUYS GET
HERE, WE'RE JUST GONNA HAVE TO

THROW IT ALL TOGETHER.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THOSE
BOYS COULD BE DOING OUT THERE.

THEY'RE RIDICULOUS.

I'M GONNA KILL THEM
FOR BEING LATE.

THEY'RE OFF PLAYING SOMEWHERE.

OH, FINALLY!

WE'VE BEEN WAITING!

LONG STORY.

Y'ALL ARE FILTHY.

LOOK, WE FOUND A HUGE
BEAVER HUT, GIGANTIC.

JASE, JASE, WE DON'T
HAVE TIME FOR THAT.

IT'S PHIL'S FAULT.

WHERE'S HE AT?

YOUR HUSBAND HAS
GONE TOTALLY PSYCHO.

YOU STINK!

YOU STINK, WHAT IS THAT SMELL?

YOU GOTTA GET WASHED UP.

I DON'T KNOW... WHY AM I SO
UPSET THAT I'M SHOWING UP LATE?

DIRTY.

I'VE BEEN SHOWING UP LATE
AND DIRTY MY WHOLE LIFE.

OKAY, WAITER NUMBER ONE.

WAITER?

AND WAITER NUMBER TWO.

I'M ACTUALLY PRETTY NERVOUS.

AND NOT FOR ME.

FOR THE PEOPLE WHO
I'M ABOUT TO WAIT ON.

WELCOME TO MISS
KAY'S RESTAURANT.

HELLO, LADIES,
THANKS FOR JOINING US.

FORGET THE CHICKEN,
FORGET THE STEAK.

SQUIRREL, DUCK OR GUMBO,
I'M TELLING YOU... YOU CAN'T GO

WRONG.

WHAT COMES WITH THAT?

WHAT COMES WITH THE DUCK?

I'M NOT SURE.

THE ROBERTSON FAMILY IS GOOD
AT HUNTING, GOOD AT MAKING DUCK

CALLS, GREAT AT GROWING BEARDS.

RUNNING RESTAURANTS?

NO.

IS THIS ORDER UP?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
WE'RE WORKING ON THAT.

I'VE GOT THEIR ORDER
WRONG THREE TIMES.

I'M LOOKING FOR MY SQUIRREL.

WHEN YOU LOOK AT US, YOU'RE
NOT THINKING "I WANT THAT GUY

PAWING MY FOOD AND
THEN SERVING IT TO ME."

LOOK AT US.

WE'RE NOT RESTAURANT PEOPLE.

I'M NOT SURE WHAT
THAT MEANS, GLUTEN...

THEY'RE ORDERING STUFF
THAT I'VE NEVER EVEN HEARD OF.

"OH, I'M A PESCETARIAN AND I'M
RUNNING LOW ON MY GLUTEN AND

WHAT DO YOU HAVE FOR THAT?"
HOW ABOUT A KICK IN THE PANTS?

LOOK AT THAT, RED.

YEP.

THAT'S WHAT ALL WE'VE
BEEN LOOKING FOR.

PUT THE SCORCHED
EARTH ON THEM THERE.

ALL RIGHT.

THE REDNECKS HAVE
COME UP WITH AN IDEA.

IF YOU LIKE YOUR BEAVERS
WELL-DONE, I'VE GOT THE DEVICE

TO PULL IT OFF.

WHOA!

BURN 'EM OUT.

THERE'S A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN

NOW.

YEE-HAW!

WAY-HEY!

SI! WHAT ARE YOU
DOING BACK THERE?

I AM GRILLING!

YOU CAN GRILL
ANYTHING ON THE GRILL.

HOG, CRAB, SHRIMP, SNAPPER.

YOU COULD PROBABLY
SHOOT A HORSE AND GRILL HIM.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.

SI!

SI LOOKS LIKE A HIBACHI CHEF.

I'M ON THIS GRILL!

YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND
A WORD HE SAYS.

THERE AIN'T NO DOUBT IN MY
MIND, SHE'LL STRAIGHTEN THAT BOY

OUT.

I'M SEEING KNIVES AND FLAMES
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S

DOING.

HAMBURGERS AND HOT
DOGS ARE NOT ON THE MENU!

LOOKIE HERE, I LOOKED AROUND
AND IT WAS ON MY TRAY SO HEY,

I GRILLED IT, JACK.

WELL, STOP COOKING THOSE.

HEY, IF YOU'D HAVE
THREW A COW OUT THERE...

I'D HAVE LOADED THAT SUCKER ON
THE GRILL AND WOULD'VE GRILLED

HIM.

WHO'S IN CHARGE AROUND HERE?

CAN I FIRE HIM?

THE ONLY FIRING'S GONNA BE
DONE AROUND HERE IS JUST WHAT

I'VE BEEN DOING...

ALL NIGHT!

FIRING THEM ON THE GRILL!

YOU CLOWNS COME AND GET IT!

I'LL PUT MY GRILLING
UP AGAINST ANYBODY'S.

I AM THE GRILL MASTER.

THIS IS NOT GOING LIKE I
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE GOING.

NOW WATCH OUT FOR THE
TOOTHPICKS AND THE SHOT.

SI'S BACK THERE
ACTING LIKE A NUTCASE.

I CAN FLY!

AND I DON'T EVEN NEED A CAPE!

AND WILLIE'S JUST... I DON'T
KNOW WHAT HE'S DOING.

STRAWBERRY SALAD?

DID YOU ORDER ONE?

WE GOT A... SIR, SIR.

MY DREAM IS TURNING
INTO A NIGHTMARE.

HOW'S IT GOING OUT THERE?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING.

IS IT CRAZY?

NOT GOOD.

THIS RESTAURANT
BUSINESS IS TOUGH.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

IT IS.

I'M STARTING TO THINK THIS
MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN SUCH A GOOD

IDEA.

THIS ORDER UP!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, YOU
GOTTA... WHOA! AAAAAH!

WELCOME TO THE RESTAURANT

BUSINESS, JACK!

YOU PUT THE ROBERTSON MEN ON

ANYTHING OUTSIDE OF HUNTING OR
MAKING DUCK CALLS, YOU'VE GOT A

DISASTER.

THEY'RE GONE.

HAVE A GOOD NIGHT,
THANKS FOR COMING.

COME BACK WHEN WE'RE NOT HERE.

HEY, THIS IS WHAT
WE'RE LOOKING FOR.

IS THAT ALL OF THEM?

IS THAT THE LAST OF IT?

THAT WAS IT.

THE GRILL IS OFFICIALLY CLOSED.

ARE YOU GONNA GET IN THE
RESTAURANT BUSINESS, KAY?

NO, THANK YOU.

THANK GOODNESS.

WHOO!

I LOVE A KITCHEN, BUT IT'S
TIME TO LET THE LIGHTS GO OUT

AS THEY SAY.

BACK TO YOUR OWN KITCHEN.

BUT WE GOT PLENTY OF
LEFTOVERS, LET'S TAKE THEM ALL

HOME AND HAVE A FAMILY DINNER.

WE GOTTA FIND PHIL.

HE'S STILL ON THEM BEAVERS.

OH, MY GOODNESS.

I WONDER HOW MANY HE KILLED?

HE PROBABLY BURNT
THE WHOLE WOODS DOWN.

YEE-HAW!

BURN, BABY, BURN.

HEY, RED, I LIKE
MY BEAVER FRIED.

WE PRAY FATHER THAT WE LOVE
YOU MORE EACH DAY AND THANKS FOR

THIS GREAT FOOD AGAIN.

AMEN.

All: AMEN.

ALL RIGHT, DIG IN.

THE ROBERTSON FAMILY AND BAD
IDEAS GO TOGETHER LIKE BISCUITS

AND JAM.

PHIL HAD TO FIND THEM BEAVERS.

KAY HAD TO RUN A RESTAURANT.

AND SI HAD TO PLAY A RECORDING

OF HIMSELF TAKING A BATH TO

ATTRACT BEAVERS.

EXCUSE ME, I JUST THREW UP IN MY

MOUTH A LITTLE BIT.

BUT IF THERE'S ANY BRIGHT SPOT

HERE, IT'S THAT EVERY ONCE IN A

WHILE A BAD IDEA WILL PAY OFF.

IT HASN'T YET.

BUT I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN IT

FINALLY DOES.

IN THE MEANTIME, I'LL TRY TO BE

MORE OPEN TO MY FAMILY'S STUPID

IDEAS.

HEY, WILLIE, COME ON.

WE NEED TO DESIGN A BEAVER CALL.

THAT'S A TERRIBLE IDEA.