Drunk History (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - Food - full transcript

TESS LYNCH: He's saying,
"I'm gonna crack your skulls

"if you don't give me your artichokes."

"Fuck yeah. We're gonna
scoop hollandaise tonight, son."

LYRIC LEWIS: Julia Child is like,
what is all this food?

This croissants, these...
You know what I mean?

Like, these espressos and stuff like that.
She's like, the chicken.

[BELCHES] I keep, I'm so sorry.
I'm so embarrassed. I keep burping.

LUCIUS DILLON: And he's like,
"Holy shit, guys, run!"

He saw this wave of molasses.

[LAUGHING]

You're so embarrassed.
You're so embarrassed.



[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

- TESS: Food's personal.
- DEREK: Very.

It's alarming how people kind of, like,
feel like they need to, like, educate you.

- Mmm-hmm.
- About what you're doing.

Makes you want to, like, spitefully
just eat junk.

- Yeah.
- Just to be like, "Fuck you."

And then when you
watch Survivor. And

they're eating, like,
the last scoop of rice

and they're just like,
"Should we eat this bug for the protein?"

And you're just like, "Ha ha ha, I have,
like, seven entrees that I ordered out."

- Oh, hello.
- Oh, hello. [LAUGHS]

[HUMS]

Hello. I'm Tess Lynch,

and today, we are gonna
talk about the artichoke wars.



Our story begins in New York City, 1935.

So, there had been one group that
have been diehard fans of the artichoke

and that is the Italian immigrants.

They're bananas over this stuff.

The Italians are like,
"We're ride or die for these artichokes.

"These artichokes are fantastic.

"You can do it, butter cars that just drive
butter into your mouth."

But it was also not great.

- Ciro Terranova...
- Ciro or Churro?

It's Ciro but you could, you know,
friends call him Churro.

Well, only when he's sprinkled
with powdered sugar.

I guess really it's sugar and cinnamon.

- It's like, to be, you know, authentic.
- [LAUGHS]

So Ciro Terranova is the underboss
of the Morello crime family.

He was kind of dabbling in everything.
I mean, like, there were plenty of murders.

- I'll tell you that.
- Mmm.

And there was plenty of corruption
and there was racketeering.

Like, you know, his, his finger
was in every pie,

but the end of Prohibition

is really costing the mafia like,
a ton of money.

Booze is legal again.
It's like, "Ooh, what are we gonna do?"

So Ciro's like, "I don't know.

"Like, I could just grab all
these artichokes and sell 'em."

So he's going to the farmers,
Northern California. He's threatening them.

He's saying, "I'm gonna crack your skulls
if you don't give me your artichokes."

They're saying, "Whoa, whoa buddy.

"Best step off,
'cause you're terrifying as fuck."

And he has taken these artichokes
and he has a complete monopoly.

He's bullying the vendors in New York City,

and he's bullying the customers
by driving the prices through the roof.

Luckily, mayor Fiorello La Guardia,
the little flower...

Why the little flower?
Why did he have that name?

He's really small and
fiorello means flower.

- Little flower.
- Makes sense.

And, like, La Guardia is Italian,

so he, in his genetic makeup,
loves the artichoke.

"I need to do something.
I need to do something.

"What am I gonna do?"

What he does is,
he gets his advisors, and he's like,

"We need to hatch a plan. It has to be a
secret plan and it has to be a flashy plan,

"because we're dealing with the mob here,

"and I'm just, like, a
little flower of a man."

DEREK: I like a flashy plan.

TESS: Yeah, well, you got to have
a flashy plan, otherwise it's not...

No, it might work if it's not flashy,
but what's the point if it's not flash?

'Cause you're not gonna go down in history
if you don't have a flashy plan.

December 22nd, 1935,

La Guardia enters the
Bronx Terminal Market.

And he's got all his guys,
all his squad, with him.

♪ All his squad, all his squad,
for the artichoke, all his squad ♪

And he goes in and he's like,
"Okay, trumpet guy, [BLOWS AIR]

"you're gonna play your thing, go ahead."

And the guy comes out, and it's
just like... [MIMICS TRUMPET]

And he's like, "Oh, it's out of tune.
December in New York."

"Get the hell out of here.
Warm up your trumpet. Time out."

And the guy goes inside and he comes out
and then he's like... [MIMICS TRUMPET]

And it's great.
La Guardia reads from the scroll

and he's like, "Everybody. Listen.

"We ain't gonna have these

"punks, racketeers, or thugs

"taking our motherfucking artichokes
away from us."

And everyone's like, "Fuck yeah, we're
gonna scoop hollandaise tonight, son!"

And he's like, "That's right.
You cannot sell or possess any artichokes

"until we legitimize this sale."

Fiorello La Guardia goes back to his house,

has a cookie, glass of milk, but then,

all of the five biggest California
artichoke vendors,

they're like, "We are not selling any...
I mean, this is terrible.

"This is even worse
than dealing with the mob guy.

"We have to reach an agreement."

They basically sit down with La Guardia

and they're like, "Look, we're
gonna sit down and make a deal

"but you've got to protect us from
this fucking mob."

And La Guardia's like,
"You know what? Okay.

"I can fucking protect you from the mob."

Okay, so several hours pass.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes.

Then they're like, "Okay.
Sign the agreement."

[SINGS] There it is.

December 29th, the ban is lifted.

Artichokes are back on the menu.

They've gotten all this publicity
so even non-Italians

who were very disdainful of artichokes
before are like,

"We're gonna give those a shot.
I mean, these are like...

"Everybody's going to such great
lengths about the artichokes.

"We'll try them." [SNIFFS]

Ciro Terranova has been dethroned

as the artichoke king.

He's arrested every time he's in Manhattan
for being a vagrant,

'cause everyone's like, "Huh,
Artichoke King, blah blah blah, loser."

La Guardia, remembered as one of the most
beloved mayors in New York history,

reportedly liked his artichokes
with mayonnaise.

That's his one flaw.

- Oh, God.
- Yeah.

- Just made you throw up, didn't I?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Yeah, I know.
- Mmm-hmm.

That's my goal.

Hon, artichoke's ready.

- [LAUGHS] We've come full circle.
- This is actually really good.

Well, it's not good.

It's not good.

This is terrible.

[DEREK LAUGHING]

- You guys, I'm a little tips.
- Mmm-hmm.

Hello, I am Lyric Lewis. [CHUCKLES]
Wait. Let me take that again.

Okay. Hello.

No, okay.

Hello, I'm Lyric Lewis

and today we are talking about Julia Child.

- To Julia.
- To Julia.

So, Julia had a very humdrum life.

She's like, super tall. She's 6'3".
She's like, dumb tall.

Julia never ate anything
but canned or processed food,

so then she's like,
"You know what? Fuck this."

She's like, "I'm gonna be a spy."

Ba-blam.

So she applies to be a spy for the OSS,
which is the Office of... [BELCHES]

Oh, God. Ugh.

Um, the Office of Strategic Serdises.

The Office of Strategic Services
in Washington, DC,

which will later become the CIA. Boom.

So, one day her boss comes to her,
and her boss is like, "Yo,

"I need you to come up with shark repellent
for bombs underwater."

But that was, like, her first glimpse into
cooking, and into, like, espionage work,

so she gets a bowl,
she mixes up shark repellent.

She's like, "I'm gonna add glue,
stick some bombs,"

she's like, "I'm gonna add some gunpowder."

And she's like, "I'm not gonna add blood
because sharks will like blood."

She adds stuff that's, like, against blood.

The sharks are like, "I don't want to...
[NIBBLING] I don't want to bite it."

And Julia's like, "Cool, cool, cool.
Tight, tight, tight." [BELCHES]

Oh, excuse me. So... [CLICKS TONGUE]

Later comes 1944.

She volunteers to go to Sri Lanka.
Sri Lanka's like, "Hey, girl, hey."

And she's a secretary for this office
where they're working for American soldiers

in guerilla warfare,
so she's, like, doing that shit.

So it's, like, kinda gritty,
but it's still, like, a secretary

but she's like,
"Fuck yeah, what, paperwork?"

She's 31 and she's ready for a man,

to get up in all 6... 6
feet, 3 inches of that.

She's like, "I'm ready to mingle.
I'm ready for a penis in every position."

Julia's like, super horny.

- Hey now.
- Right?

She looks up and she sees Paul.
She sees Paul. Paul is a vision to her.

He's a tall, tall drink of water.
Tall glass of milk.

Tall glass of almond
milk if you're a vegan.

Tall glass of soy milk
if you are vegetarian.

Tall glass of goat milk
if you don't like cows.

[SNICKERS]

And Julia's like,
"That is a man, and I gotta get him."

He's like a nerd. Paul's
like, "Hey, everybody.

"Who wants to play Scrabble later? Ha ha!"

And Julia's like, "You don't even know
how sexy you are, Paul. I will...

"Drink your bathwater."

Julia before Paul,
she only ate processed food,

canned foods, creamed corn,
everything out of a can. So Paul was like,

"Your palate is so fucking basic
and I'm showing you a new life."

So they ate all these exotic foods together

and Julia was like, "Fuck me."

Paul was like,
"Yes, bitch, where have you been?"

She was like,
"Oh, my God, this man is amazing.

"My palate is developing. I'm into him."

And she was feeling him,
and Paul was like, "No, not yet."

Because I'm feeling Jane Foster now.
Jane is a fucking spy.

Like, she's a spy. Do you hear me?
She's a fucking spy.

Jane is, like, out in the field.
She's fucking shooting people.

Paul, he liked Jane a lot
because she was sexy,

and Julia was doing
office work, so it's like,

who wants the pencil pusher
when you can get the maker of the wood?

'Cause I feel like
Jane was making wood, right?

[SPITS]

[LAUGHS]

Jane was like, "No, you're mad corny to me.
But we're friends."

So they're hanging out and then Paul,
he looks at Julia and he's like,

"Julia, you tall, but you cute,
you know what I mean?"

So Julia was like, "Yes.
Paul, I want to continue this.

"We need to take a road trip because that's
how people really get to know each other

"and know if they want to be together."

And Paul was like, "Cool, cool, cool.
Tight, tight, tight."

So then at the end of the war,
they went back home.

They pack her Buick full of clothing
and then she's like, "Oh,

"I'm gonna pack a soup thermos
full of pre-mixed martinis.

"And a bottle of vodka,"
because this is back in the day

when there was no open container laws,

so they set off and Paul is like, "Yes!"

Julia is like, "Yes!"

The police on the road I'm sure are like,
"Yes, girl, go get your man!"

[DEREK LAUGHING]

So they fell in love and they got married.

Julia was like, "Okay. Cool, cool, cool.
Tight, tight, tight."

And then they get to go to France.
So she goes to France and she's like,

"What is all this food,
this croissants, these...

"You know what I mean? Like,
these espressos," and stuff like that.

She's like, "The chicken!"

And so she enrolls in Le Cordon Bleu,
of all places.

And she's like, doing all these French
foods, and they come back to America,

and this, this late,
this late in the game is

when Julia Child that
we know comes to life.

She has all these books, she's huge on TV.

We have the French culinary know-how
that we got from Julia Child.

Paul is like, "Cool, I'm proud of you.
She's a big bitch but I love her."

He was an amazing husband to her.
He loved her.

She was an Amazon. He loved her.

Did you ever see the website
that he created for her?

Shut your mouth.

- Well, 'cause you called her Amazon.
- Shut your mouth, Derek.

I thought it was a real website

dedicated to Julia Child by Paul Child
and like, he was like,

She's a Big Bitch but I Love Her, Volume 5.

[LAUGHS]

And so, they were very happy
and she became this huge success,

and it was all because of Julia's career
as a spy in espionage.

And because of Paul Child.

Bing bang boom.

[BELCHES] I keep, I'm so sorry.
I'm so embarrassed. I keep burping.

- Why?
- 'Cause ladies don't burp,

and I'm trying to be a lady.

But it'll also be on
TV, and it'll be great.

And then people will be like,
she's a real person.

- Cool, cool, cool.
- Cool, cool, cool. Tight, tight, tight.

What are you drinking? Molasses?
You wanna...

- Have you ever had molasses?
- Yeah, I hate it.

There was one time when I was growing up
and I was a little kid

and my dad had gotten, like,
some molasses and he made pancakes

- and I was like, pancake night!
- Right.

And so I just dumped it,
so it just like, was this like,

huge, just black pile on my plate,

and I, it was, like,
the most bitter... I was

like, "Oh, this is the
greatest thing ever."

But no, no, no, no. No, no. No!

It's fucking deadly.

- Anything can kill you.
- Anything can kill you.

- Cheers.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

Hello, I'm Lucius Dillon, and today

we're going to talk about
the great molasses flood.

My story starts...
Our story starts at 19... [CHUCKLES].

Our story starts at 1915.

So, the Purity [LAUGHS] Distillery,
which was in north Boston...

In this area, it was a
very industrial area,

there was a bunch of Italian and
Irish immigrants all living in this area.

Molasses was a big motherfucking deal.

When they distilled it,
it would turn into rum,

so it was a huge commodity,
but Prohibition was coming around.

There's a year-long grace period,
so they came up with a great idea.

It was like, "Okay, what we can do is,
for a whole year,

"we can make as much liquor
and rum and everything,

"so let's just get
as much fucking molasses as we can."

"You know what, we
need to build a huge tank

"that could fill all this lovely molasses."

So they got a guy who was the treasurer
of their company, Arthur Jell.

"Uh, have you had any architect experience?
Have you any, any engineering education?"

"Nope, nope."

Uh, they're like,
"Hey, can you read this blueprint?"

"Uh, why do I need to read this blueprint?

"That, that goes for the guys in the hats
and the..." "The construction workers?"

"Yeah. The construction workers.
They can read it. It's fine."

"All right, you're our guy. Great."

So he didn't know
what the fuck he was doing.

Any corner that needed
to be cut, he cut it.

So they built this thing very terribly.

They would hear groans
and gurgles from this tank.

It was like... [MIMICS METAL GROANING]

[SNORTS]

[LAUGHS]

[MIMICS METAL GROANING]

- [GROWLS]
- DEREK: Like it was, it was gonna barf.

It's gonna pretty much puke.

So near the tank was Engine Number 31,

and in that firehouse
was a bunch of firemen.

So we had Bill Connor, who was the chief.

We had George Layhe,
and around lunchtime, you know,

every day, they would get together,
play billiards.

There was a stonecutter who would come by

named John Barry, who would just like to
come every now and again, and he was like,

"Look, I... I'm really worried that
this tank's gonna... It's gonna explode."

I mean, of course the
thing leaks immediately

and Arthur Jell
was like, "It's fine.

"This is still a solid structure."

And everyone was like,
"But you can see leaks from the tank."

"Okay, well, uh, we can fix that.

"We'll paint it brown so you can't
see the molasses coming out."

"What? That doesn't help anything.

"I'm so worried that this is gonna fail."

Arthur Jell was like, "We're gonna make
a bazillion dollars off of this.

"What could possibly go wrong?"

"What could possibly go wrong?"

- Don't do that shit.
- Why does it scare you so much?

'Cause it makes me
have to try to attempt...

I know, you can't do it.

But I'm gonna do it for a little bit.

- Well then, I want to do it too.
- Okay.

Yeah, see? Good work.

So, it was January 15th, 1919,

and the Purity Distilling Company
filled this fucker to the brim.

And this tank fills 2,300,000 gallons
of this crap.

[GASPS]

Look at you! Look at you.

Not. No, I'm still here.

Uh... [LAUGHING] You're so embarrassed.
You're so embarrassed!

Anyway... Um...

So around lunchtime at Fire Station 31,

they heard just like
this horrible explosion.

It was kind of like a
[MIMICKING EXPLOSION]

[IMITATING QUACKING]

[MAKING FARTING SOUNDS]

Maybe not as much of a duck,
but they heard a horrible sound. [LAUGHS]

"That was not good."

So John Barry went up to the window.
The tank burst.

And then just a huge wave,

was like... [EXCLAIMS]

Of... Oh, excuse me.

Of just pure force and evil and terror.

It would knock down buildings.
It would knock down railway cars.

And people were just, like,
knocked off their ass.

It was also horses,
because of the time period, that like,

these horses were knocked on their ass.

The horses were like, "This is bullshit.
Why am I drowning in this goo?"

And he saw this 15-foot-high wave
of molasses

coming towards him and he's like,
"Holy shit, guys, run!

"Run, run, run, run, run, run, run."

The force is so horrible,

it takes this whole building that
they're in, pushes it off their foundation,

and just carries this building
and it almost goes into the harbor.

They're pretty much trapped
with tons of debris,

and they have molasses
just slowly rising up.

George Layhe is pinned down
underneath this pool table.

- DEREK: "Oh, my God."
- Yeah, see it?

Okay. It's like chocolate.

Mmm!

[BOTH GROANING]

Oh, my... No fucking way.

If God could shit on licorice,
that's what it tastes like.

DEREK: I know!

Stay tuned for more Drunk History
"Molasses Face."

I mean, "Molasses Flood."

[BOTH LAUGHING]

So anyway, drinking.

Oh. Don't forget that.

[CHUCKLES] Do you remember
where you were?

We were talking about...

Okay.

Hi, everybody. We're back.

So pretty much they're fucked, and they
would hear screams from George Layhe.

"Help, I'm gonna die."

John is like,
"George, everything's gonna be fine.

"Just, just keep your chin up. Literally."

He's like, "That's a
terrible thing to say."

And he fucking drowned in this shit.

It takes everyone four hours
trying to save them.

Twenty-one people drowned.

A hundred and fifty people were injured
because of this.

The next day,
John Barry's hair turned completely white.

The people, they were trying to say,
"Like, okay, who's to blame? Is this..."

I burped while I said
this. "Who's to blame?"

And of course they're just like, "Pfft, not
us. [CHUCKLES] Good night, everybody."

- [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

The cleanup took 87,000 man hours.

The harbor, for six months,
was just brown with molasses.

So even to this day, on a really hot day,

the people still claim
that they can smell molasses in Boston.

It fucked Boston up.

Arthur Jell did not get fired.
Arthur Jell got promoted.

That guy had a great fucking life while
other people were dead because of him.

[SLURPING]

Pinkies out, 'cause we're classy.

This is a fucking TV show.

Get it out there.

We will kiss tips,
but that's a private thing for later.

- Friendship is real.
- I know, it's for reals.

- We like life.
- Mmm-hmm.

- And each other’s in it.
- [PATTING EACH OTHER]

Here, good night.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

No, I eat the entire apple.

And the stem, and the seeds, and the core.

[LAUGHS]

I do. I do it, and I do it to teach
everyone around me

that that's how I roll and, like,
don't fuck with me.