Drunk History (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Hamilton - full transcript

You know what? Here's an interesting story

that we haven't talked about yet.

So, you've got Alexander Hamilton,

Aaron Burr, George Washington,

Thomas Jefferson, James Monroe.

There's this hurricane.

A flaming ship.

The Revolutionary War.

An affair.

And duels.

- Oh, Questlove's...
- Questlove?



- Texting me...
- What? How did Questlove find out?

This is the stuff you can't do in a play.

[LAUGHS]

[PATRIOTIC MUSIC]

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

So, this is where you grew up.

This is the block I grew up.

I, uh... you know,

learned to ride a bike
going down this hill.

- Do you wanna get drunk?
- Yes. Yes!

- Oh, okay, okay.
- Let's do that.

I meant to ask you that
before we walked up the street.

- Okay.
- You do want to get drunk?

- Yeah, we should do that.
- 'Cause we got these



camera guys here, I just think...

- That would work out nicely.
- That would be weird

- if you didn't want to.
- Let's go.

- Okay.
- All right.

[LIVELY MUSIC]

I read your biography
that you were more into

the Monkees than the Beatles.

I think that's really cool of you, Lin.

- Cut.
- Bullshit.

[BOTH LAUGH]

No!

[LAUGHING]

Hi, I'm stage's Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[LAUGHING]

And we're gonna...
[LAUGHS]

Hello! My name is Lin-Manuel Miranda.
[CHUCKLES]

Today we're gonna talk about
Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr.

[LAUGHS]

- Cheers, my brother.
- Cheers!

Here we are.
[GLASSES CLINKING]

Our story begins in the exotic Caribbean.
[LAUGHS]

Um, uh, it begins on the island of Nevis.

So, Hamilton and his mother,
they were both sick

and he survived and she didn't.

So she died in bed with him.

It's a hellish, Dickensian childhood.

Here's where we have to talk
about our buddy Aaron Burr.

Also an orphan. Everyone dies

by the time he's, like, 10 years old.

His mother dies, his father dies.

He's put in the care
of various people who died,

just like Hamilton.

The difference is, he's got money.

He gets an amazing education.

He goes to Princeton,

which was then Queens College,
at 13 years old.

Finishes it in two years instead of four.

Here's Hamilton. Genius.

The orphan who's stuck on an island.

You know, he's gonna invent
our economy later.

History spoiler.

Um, but he learns it by,
by running a company.

So one day, there's this hurricane.

And it...

fucks up the Caribbean.

He writes a letter to his father,

um, and he's saying,

hey, Dad, I know you're not here

'cause you were never here
in my entire childhood.

But this hurricane really fucked us up.

And it's super flowery language.

Like, "The scene is sufficient to strike

"astonishment into angels."

Ann Lytton Venton, his cousin,

reads this letter, and she goes,

like, holy shit, this kid's a genius.

Um, his, his talents are being wasted

running a trading company.

And she basically helps to
raise him enough money

so he can get on a ship
and go to the colonies

and get his education.

And that's how Hamilton
escapes, uh, his lot in life.

He, he literally writes his way out.

And the ship he's on catches fire.

- What?
- I know.

This is the stuff you can't do in a play.

Like, here comes sick-ass
Hamilton on a flaming ship.

Your ass will never be the same.

[LAUGHING]

Um, so Hamilton shows up
at Queens College, and he says,

"Hey, what's up, I'm Hamilton.

"Here are all my letters
from the West Indies.

"I'm really fucking smart,

"so I'd like to graduate in two years,

"which Burr did."

Um, and they say,

"Burr's dad was the president of Princeton.

"We don't know you
from a hole in the ground.

"So...

"No?"

And he says, "Fuck you, fuck you,

"you're cool, Aaron Burr, nice to meet you.

"I'm gonna go to another college

"that will graduate me faster."

And they both split early
before finishing their education because...

[IMITATES FANFARE]

The war!

The Revolutionary War.

Burr and Hamilton start
their respective war careers.

And Burr has a really
distinguished war career.

Um, like, kills a lot of British dudes,

has an amazing, sort of, run.

Meanwhile, George Washington
asks Hamilton,

"Hey, be my aide-de-camp."

Aide-de-camp is, like,
a fancy word for secretary.

He's like, "Nah, nah, nah,
I'm good, I wanna fight.

"And I wanna fight, 'cause that's
how I'm gonna rise up."

And Washington's like,

"Motherfucker, like, come work for me.

"It's paperwork, sure, but you're gonna be

"at the center of the action.

"You're gonna be in the guy...

"In with the guy who knows best."

And Hamilton does his
political calculus and says,

"Okay."

So Hamilton writes his letters.

Hamilton writes letters to Congress.

This whole time, all Hamilton
wants is a command.

Hamilton's just, sort of,
tugging on his sleeve,

being like, "Can I fight?

"Can I... Can you just give me,
like, a bunch of dudes

"and like, I... I promise
I'll be so good at this."

And Washington's like,

"No, just stay aide-de-camp."

But, they go through
some of the toughest trials

of the war together.

It's, it's Hamilton and Washington.

And then Hamilton finally goes,

"I quit! I'm out!"

And Washington, aware of what a, sort of,

gifted but troubled kid Hamilton is,

says, "All right,
you're gonna lead these troops

"to do this very specific thing

"in the battle of Yorktown.

"Hopefully this is our last battle anyway.

"But, like, you will be able
to say you led a command."

And so, Hamilton goes into it,
like, with ridiculous gusto.

Um, he's like, he...

He's like jumping ahead of everyone.

Being like, "Oh, we're at war! Wah!"

Like, like... He's, like, showboating.

Ba dum, ba, dum, ba dum, ba dum, blop.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Ba dum, ba dum, ba dum...

Like, he's totally showboating.

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo.

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Okay, I'm gonna lean forward.
- You're okay?

Oh, shit, I'm drunk.

WATERS: You're doing great.
MIRANDA: Okay, good.

Pretty drunk.
[SNICKERS]

You feel okay?

I'm giggly and there's gaps in my memory.
[LAUGHS]

- That's all right.
- Already.

Okay, so, uh, let's get back.

So, Yorktown.

We won!

Well, now we've got to form a country.

Um, they all ask him,

"Hey, come be a part of
the Constitutional Convention."

So we're figuring out how

the American system is gonna work.

The Constitutional Convention.

This is the room where they're deciding

what the shape of our government should be.

They're hashing it out.

And Hamilton speaks for six hours.

But some of the things he
pitched would haunt him

the rest of his career.

He pitched, maybe, president for life?

[WHISPERING]
Ooh, he's secretly a monarchist.

Maybe, uh, we inherit...

Positions.

[WHISPERING] Bullshit. That's terrible.

This guy just wants to
bring back the British.

Those whispers are from the perspectives

of, um, people who don't like him.

Um, but anyway, um, we adopt
the system that we adopt.

And Hamilton becomes
its most ardent defender.

So...

Trying to find the straightest
line through this story.

So, Hamilton has an affair.

Um, while he's the treasury secretary,

he carries on this affair with
a woman named Maria Reynolds.

Her husband shows up.

He's like, "Yo, uh, that's my wife.

"I'm happy to, like, keep it on the low,

"but you have to pay me."

Gets basically extorted for about $1,000.

James Reynolds, the husband
who was extorting him,

gets arrested on some other bullshit.

While he's trying to
weasel his way out of it,

he says, "I've got dirt
on Alexander Hamilton."

Everyone goes, "Really?"

Hamilton, uh, and... Has been embezzling.

And he sort of says
all this shit about Hamilton.

Um, and so three guys
go to confront Hamilton

on these charges.

One of the dudes was future
president James Monroe.

And they went, "Yo, Hamilton,

"We know what you did,
you know what you did.

"Check out these checks to James Reynolds.

"What's up?"
And they accuse him

of embezzling funds.

And Hamilton goes, "No, no, no.

"I was just fucking this lady,

"and her husband
was hitting me up for money.

"I didn't touch American money,

"and I have all kinds of proof."

And he, like, vomits information
all over them.

Oh, wow, that was more
than we needed to hear.

And we're good, thanks.

The info about the affair
gets somehow miraculously

printed in the paper.

"Hamilton is not a great dude.

"I know you think he's great
'cause he's a war vet,

"and he's the treasury secretary,

"but you're gonna
learn the truth real soon."

And Hamilton gets this
and he goes to James Monroe.

[WHISPERING] "What the fuck?
Like, I told you that in secret."

And James Monroe's like,

"It wasn't secret and it wasn't me.

"Wasn't me who... who, uh, published it."

"Motherfucker.

"I told three people about this

"and you're the one who was taking notes,

"so I know it came from you.

"Like... Fess up.

"Fuck you, fuck you."

So Hamilton, over-sharer,
writes the Reynolds Pamphlet.

The whole thing reads like
a Dear Penthouse letter.

Like, "Dear America,

"I never thought this would happen to me.

"But one day, this ripped bodice woman

"showed up at my door, saying,

"" Oh, my husband's
beating me, left me alone

"" and I need money and I need help.

""You are a man of
honor. Can you help me?""

Hamilton's like, "I could give her money

"or I could fuck her

"and either one would be acceptable."

The... The Reynolds
Pamphlet is like dick 101.

And, by the way, he
sent this to his friends.

Being like, "Hey, I think
I'm gonna publish this."

And everyone was like,

"Hey, bro, I don't
think this is a good idea

"to publish this.

"Like, maybe your wife
and your seven children

"would not love it if you published this."

And Hamilton's like, "Well, I mean, like,

"I got accused of embezzling.

"And, like, I can't let that stand.

"Maybe the, like,
marital infidelity trumps that?

"I know it doesn't in your head,

"but to everyone else
in the world it does."

Um, and he's like, "No,
I can't let that shit stand."

And Hamilton goes back to James Monroe

and now Hamilton's like,

"Well, it's all out in the open.

"Um, and if you still want to settle this,

"because I know you're
the one who leaked it."

Um, Monroe's like, "Well, I didn't leak it,

"but if you want to, like, fight,
like, let's do this."

And so they meet face-to-face.

And Monroe goes,
"All right, you're mad at me

"because of this, this, and this."

And Hamilton goes,
"Let's start at the beginning."

And lists, like, the first time they met.
[LAUGHS]

He lists the details of the entire meeting,

as Monroe gets more and more impatient.

Monroe's like, "I know
all this, I know all this.

"I know all this."

Hamilton's like, "You interrupted me.

"I have to start again."

And Monroe's getting angrier and angrier,

until they're finally pulled apart.

'Cause they're about to, like,
punch each other in the face.

So Monroe goes to his homey, Aaron Burr.

And goes, "Yo, you know Hamilton,

"will you tell him..."

This is so, like, high school gossip.

He goes, "Will you tell Hamilton

"that if he's challenging me
to a duel, I accept.

"But if he's not, I wasn't
challenging him to a duel."

And Burr goes over to Hamilton, like,

"James Monroe told me to tell you

"that if you're challenging
him, he accepts,

"but if you weren't challenging him,

"he doesn't really want to go into a duel."

Uh, and Burr squashes the duel.

Burr's like, "Duels are stupid.

"And you both should just, like, shut up.

"And it's over.

"And Hamilton told everyone
everything, anyway.

"So there's no point in
you shooting at each other.

[CELL PHONE BEEPS] "Sorry, I forgot
to put my phone on vibrate."

WATERS: Yeah, okay.

"Oh, Questlove's..."

- Questlove?
- Texting me.

"You did Drunk History?"

What? How did Questlove find out?

Oh, here we go.

- Yo!
- Questlove!

Yo!
[LAUGHS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

- Look at this.
- This is the best shit ever!

I cannot wait for this episode.

My girl and I got
together based on our love

for Drunk History.

- You see the effect you have?
- Well...

I love you both.

[SINGING] History has its eyes on you

- Yes.
- This is awesome!

MIRANDA: Bye, Questo.
QUESTLOVE: All right, bye.

QUESTLOVE: How drunk are you?
MIRANDA: Very.

- QUESTLOVE: [LAUGHS]
- Where are you guys?

What car are you in?
What even is happening?

- Yo, film him now.
- [LAUGHS]

- We are.
- They are.

- Uh, you can't see.
- Look.

Oh, my god. Hey, what's up, ya'll?

- [LAUGHS]
- I think you're great.

- You're my... you're my best...
- I am too, man.

BOTH: You're my best friend.

Say it! Say it. You're my best friend.

- You're my best friend.
- [LAUGHS]

I love you.
[LAUGHS]

- I love you, Lin!
- Long as I got a job,

you got a job, bye.

Try hard, homey, try hard.

Long as I got a job, you got a job.

- QUESTLOVE: [LAUGHS]
- [BOTH LAUGH]

[WHISPERING] I want to order Domino's.

Um...

Okay.

So Hamilton and Burr,

they're contemporaries.

And they're colleagues.

And they're friends until they're not.

They're cool until Burr runs against

Hamilton's father-in-law for Senate.

And he wins. And Hamilton's like,

"Yo, I thought we were friends."

"We are friends.

"I ran against your
father-in-law, he was weak.

"And I won.

"Like, why can't we still be friends?"

"" Cause that was my fucking father-in-law.

"And now we're enemies."

Um, all right.

Let's flash forward.

Burr runs for president

against Hamilton's arch
nemesis, Thomas Jefferson.

It was a tie between Jefferson and Burr.

And people went to Hamilton.

And they said, "Hey, should we
vote for Burr or Jefferson?"

Hamilton was like, "Blah, blah, blah, blah,

"blah, blah, blah, blah, no!

"Vote for Jefferson. I disagree with him,

"at least he has an ethos."

He said, "If pressed, if pressed,

- "like a juice."
- Mmm-hmm.

"I don't know what the fuck
Burr stands for.

"And I've known Burr all my life."

And Jefferson wins because of Hamilton.

So Burr's vice-president,
he doesn't get shit to do.

Like, Thomas Jefferson's like,

"I trust you about as
far as I can throw you,

"and I can't throw things very far.

"I have slaves who do that for me."

So Burr is suddenly
on the other side of this

brush with greatness.

And he's got nothing.

No one trusts him.

And he looks around and he goes,

"Why don't I have a career in this country

"I helped fight for and die for and..."

He didn't die for it, but, like,

"I helped build this thing, and why am I...

"Why is my political career over?"

And he looks around and the
only answer he has is Hamilton.

Hamilton talks shit
about Burr all the time.

So Burr writes a letter to Hamilton.

"Dear Alexander Hamilton, motherfucker."

Hamilton responds with,

"Burr, motherfucker."

BURR: "Motherfucker.
Apologize for what you said,

"or meet me on the field for combat."

HAMILTON: "I don't want it to go
down like this.

"I really don't.

"But I can't apologize for what I said,

"so I guess I'll see you there."

WATERS: Again, this feels like high school.

MIRANDA: Totally high school.

Well, you know what?
Here's an interesting story

that we haven't talked about yet.

A couple of days before the final duel,

Hamilton and Burr are at the same party.

And by all accounts,
Burr was sulking in the corner

and Hamilton was standing on the bar,

leading his friends in a song.

WATERS: And the song was?
MIRANDA: I don't know.

WATERS: Right, we don't know.

Every new beginning comes from
some other beginning's end.

BOTH: [SINGING] I know who I
want to take me home

That was my graduation song.

Like, I remember, thinking, like, man...

You know...
[PLAYS PIANO]

- It's a metaphor for everything.
- Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

And this is the last night, guys.

The last night.

[PLAYING PIANO]

BOTH: [SINGING] I know who
I want to take me home

I know who I want to take me home

WATERS: [SINGING] With me
MIRANDA: [SINGING] I know who

BOTH: [SINGING] I want to take me home

Take me home

- My new boy.
- New boy.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[LAUGHS] So... Where was I?

We're gonna duel it out.

1804, four, four, four, four.

So, we're here.
We're on the grounds at Weehawken.

From Burr's perspective,
there's no reason to think

Hamilton won't fire at him.

Hamilton shows up wearing glasses.

Hamilton is checking out his
gun pretty intently.

Burr's like, "This motherfucker right here

"talked shit about me my whole career.

"Basically stopped me from being elected

"president of the United States.

"This guy has opposed me at every turn.

"When I look back at my career,
he's the one in the way.

"He's got his fucking glasses on.

"This guy is checking out his
gun pretty intently.

"This motherfucker is gonna kill me

"if I don't kill him first."

So, um, they get to that moment.

They meet.

They count their paces.

They turn and fire.

Burr aims forward, Hamilton aims up.

Burr's bullet strikes Hamilton
right between his ribs.

The first thing that happened
was Burr rushed over

to talk to Hamilton.

And his second held him back,

like, "No, I have to go talk to Hamilton."

And his second is like, "No, no, no.

"You forfeit the right to talk
to Hamilton when you shot him.

"You gotta get back to New York.

"You gotta get, like, away from the scene

"as quickly as possible."

Hamilton gets rowed back across the river.

He gets taken to a doctor's
office on Maiden Lane.

And Hamilton dies the next day.

But here's the thing,

Hamilton writes letters
before the final duel.

In his last act of political...

I don't know if it's genius or
fuck you-itiveness.

He damns Burr for life.

He wrote a bunch of
fucking letters, saying,

"Listen, I have to go
to this duel with Aaron Burr,

"but I want you to know
that I'm a good Christian.

"I'm not gonna fire on him.

"I'm gonna waste my shot in the air.

"I never meant to kill Burr,

"and if Burr killed me,
he's the asshole." [LAUGHS]

And so history's eyes turn on Burr.

Whether Hamilton lived or died,
he won the duel.

And so, Hamilton wins.

He wins in

a 200-years-later-they're-writing-
musicals-where-I'm-a-martyr type way.

And so Burr's the monster.

And what's ironic about that

- is Burr was never the monster.
- WATERS: Never.

Burr was the cautious motherfucker

who never let his opinion be known.

And Hamilton was
the reckless motherfucker

who let his opinion
be known about everything.

And in the one moment
where it counted most,

Hamilton was cautious
and Burr was reckless.

Whao.

And that defined their legacies forever.

MIRANDA: It's fucked up.
WATERS: It's really fucked up.

- Mmm-hmm.
- Um...

[LAUGHS]

Right.
[CHUCKLES]

- Ready.
- So what do I have to do

to get a part in this movie?
[LAUGHS]

You already got it.

[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

Our founding fathers drank all the time

because beer was more reliable than water

as a source of fucking liquid.

Right.
[CLINKING GLASSES]

Just you wait.

[LAUGHS]