Drunk History (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 11 - Shit Shows - full transcript

So, the Cherry Sisters, were like,
"Let's put on a show."

It was really, really, really bad. [LAUGHS]

Outside is pandemonium.
"Start firing into the crowd!"

Meanwhile, William Macready is up on stage.

[HISSES]

[HISSES]

Steve Dahl is a DJ.

"We're gonna destroy disco."

"I will put your explosives
together for you."

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]



So how would you describe a shit show?

Ugh. I shit my pants
in the rug section of IKEA.

So, I had to, like, go through
the other parts of IKEA

- with shit in my pants.
- [LAUGHS]

But I also was, like,
concerned about buying things

- for my home, so I still did. [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

I went to the bathroom, total pro.

I, like, cleaned my butt,

and the second I got back in line,

like, with other people, I was
like, "I shit my pants!"

- [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

I had the flu, and I sneezed.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] Shit show.



Hi. [LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, boy. I love to be happy.
Why else am I here?

[WATERS LAUGHS]

I'm Jenny Slate.

And today we are going to talk
about the Cherry Sisters,

the worst act on Vaudeville.

Ever. Ever.

The very worst.

Our story begins in the 1890s.

The Cherry Sisters
were living on a farm in Iowa

that had been left to them.

Their names were Ella,

Elizabeth, Effie,

Addie, and Jessie.

They had a brother, Nathan,
and he just peaced out.

He was like, "Uh, actually, definitely not.

"I'm not, like, even doing this."

And all the sisters were like,
"Boo! What the hell?"

Or "heck," actually,
'cause they were very prim.

They were like, "Our farm's gonna fail.
We truly don't get how to do this,

"and we don't have enough money
to operate the farm."

"Let's just try to get money
from that... By... For that. Am I right?"

And they were all like,
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

"Let's put on a show."

So they, like, rented out a theater.

These sisters were just, like,
"We're putting on a play.

"Uh, the play is going to consist of
a lot of segments that are boring,

"and also will make you feel nervous
about what you're doing in your life."

So it would be like,

"There's a young lady just, like,
free in the world. How dangerous."

And then a Don Juan comes out,
and he's like,

"Ah! I want you for sex."
You know? [LAUGHS]

And then a gypsy woman would come out,
and she'd be like, "Don't do it!

"Don't, 'cause he's gonna
take your morality."

And, like, that was, like, the whole thing.

And it was, like, baffling to everyone.
They were like, "Ha!

"I can't believe these
ladies showed up and,

like, even are here
and, like, did this."

After they were done, they were so shocked,

because they were like,
"This is an assload of money."

They made $250.

So, the Cherry Sisters, they were like,
"We should take this on the road!"

Even though it was
really, really, really bad.

So, they went on the road all across Iowa.
They did a show in Cedar Rapids.

One of their songs was called Corn Juice.

[SINGING] Corn juice
Let me tell you about it

[LAUGHS] It was just like,

"What are you talking about? You
definitely can't make juice out of corn.

"Like, I've had it."

- "Yeah."
- "There's no juice in there."

Five, six, seven, eight.

[SINGING] If you're lost
And you're corn

I will find juice

Corn after juice

- [LAUGHS] Beautiful.
- [LAUGHS]

Everyone's like, "You suck!" [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

So the next day, the newspaper was like,
"This is a bad show.

"These ladies truly don't know what's up.
You probably shouldn't see this show.

"Unless you wanna see it,
because it's so very bad

"that it's, like, kind
of confusing all of us."

And they marched right down
to the Cedar Rapids Gazette,

and they were like,
"How dare you say this?"

And the Cedar Rapids Gazette was like,

"What? You're, like, incredulous? You
can't, like, understand why we said this?"

And they're like, "You know what?
We're gonna sue you for libel."

And the newspaper was like, [SCOFFS]
"That's actually hilarious,

"But if you want to sue us,

"you're gonna have to sue us
during your show."

And so they did.

They got a real judge to sit there,
being like, "Ooh!"

Like, "Order, order!
I'll be the judge of how bad they are.

"Plus newspaper,
you telling the truth." [CLEARS THROAT]

And at the end, the editor
of the newspaper

was found guilty,

and sentenced to marry
one of the five sisters.

WATERS: Fuck Off.
SLATE: Yeah.

[SLATE LAUGHS] So sad.

So, after this, they toured all the time.

It was kind of the first, like,
"It's so bad, it's good" situation.

Groups of people were like,

"The Cherry Sisters are coming to town.

"Let's get together all the people
that we know and like,

"buy a shit load of vegetables, and...

"And find a lot of cans so that
we can throw them at them."

And this was a sketch that they did.
They sat in a bathtub, and they were like,

[SIGHS] "Don't get horny.
Be careful, 'cause this is, like, arms...

"But you have to be careful,
'cause if you show your forearm to someone,

"their penis can go inside of you."

And you die, if they...

SLATE: And then you'll die...

Of being cool.

[SLATE LAUGHS]

People would be like, "You suck!"

So, after the sisters had really
been on the scene for a while,

just stinking it up consistently,

this man named Oscar Hammerstein,
he had a theater, and he was like,

"Well, I've tried all the best shit there.
Maybe I'll try the worst."

So, he got in touch
with the Cherry Sisters.

And he's like, "Listen,
we'll bring you to New York.

"You can do whatever you want.
We'll pay you $100 a week."

Four of them were like,
"Yep, yep, okay, yes."

And then, like, the
fifth one was like, "No."

[LAUGHS] She stayed there, like, whatever,

brushing the pigs,
or whatever you do on a farm.

And they went to New York,
and everyone was like,

"You're the worst!
You're horrible! What a weird thing."

And they sold out. 10 weeks, sold-out show.

And they made a lot of money.

And then, you know, they went home.

And then they died in obscurity.

But, um, that's what we think.
That's not what they thought.

And honestly, what they thought
is kind of all that matters.

Don't you think?

- Aw, that was nice.
- [LAUGHS]

- Thanks, Derek.
- That was really nice.

Well, I'm an American woman,
and I love corn juice.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

So, when did you design that shirt?

[LAUGHS]

- Well, I'd heard about eagles.
- Right.

And I... I had people
describe an eagle to me.

Mmm-hmm.

And then I went into...
I locked myself in a sweater factory.

And then this was what I came up with.

What a vision!

Since then, I've seen
actual, uh, bald eagles.

Mmm-hmm.

And apparently I was... I was dead on.

[LAUGHS]

Hello, I'm Allan McLeod,
and today we're gonna talk about...

- [LAUGHS]
- [WATERS CHUCKLES]

The Shakespeare riots.

So, our story begins in 1837.

Edwin Forrest, who's a Shakespearean actor
who lives in New York, he goes to London.

And he starts hanging out with
one of the top Shakespearean actors,

William Macready.

William's like, "Welcome to London!
Have fun. Perform... Do Shakespeare here.

"You know, we do it
a little differently here.

I'm a little more refined
than you are, maybe."

"Well, my style's a little bigger
than yours, and I'm a big muscly guy.

"And, you know, people
like that in America."

So, Edwin Forrest and William Macready
developed a bit of a rivalry.

They would start sending their fans

over to the other shows
to kind of mess with them a little.

Some of Macready's fans
start hissing at Edwin Forrest.

[HISSES]

[HISSES]

[HISSES]

[HISSES]

[LAUGHS]

MCLEOD: So, then Macready is performing.
He's in the middle of a performance,

when somebody goes a little nuts
and throws a dead sheep onto the stage.

WATERS: Inappropriate.
MCLEOD: Inappropriate.

It was the thing that crossed
the line, for their rivalry.

So then, William Macready goes to New York,

and he's got a ten-show run
over at the Astor Place Opera House.

He's gonna do Macbeth, the cursed play.

Lo and behold, Edwin Forrest
is also gonna do Macbeth

over at the Bowery Theater,
the theater for his fan base.

And so they're both doing
Macbeth in New York.

So William Macready says, "Okay,
I'm going to Astor Place Opera House

"to do my last Macbeth.

[SLURS] "And this is gonna be
the most macbest ever seen."

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, so William Macready is up on stage,

and as soon as he
starts in with his first line,

"Lady Macbeth, what's going on?
What's for dinner tonight?"

"We love Forrest! We love Forrest!"

And then, you know,
Lady Macbeth comes out,

and they're like, "Who's this bitch?"

They're throwing all kinds of shit at him.

Pennies, fucking apples, and potatoes.

Popcorn, fruit, and apples.
They're throwing rotten eggs, and churros.

[LAUGHS]

Macready is like, "I'm done.
I'm breaking my contract.

"I'm heading back to London."

The, um, wealthy elite
of New York heard about this,

and they all co-signed a letter saying,

"Please don't let
these rabble-rousers scare you away.

"Do Macbeth one more time. Nail it."

So, Macready reads this letter,
and he says, "You know what? I'll stay.

"I'll stay and do Macbeth
one more goddamn time."

It was the makings of a major clash
between the rich and the poor.

The day of the show, [STAMMERING]
Macready is ready to hit the stage.

Meanwhile, outside...

- WATERS: You gonna burp?
- [EXHALES]

No. It was a little gas.

Uh... Meanwhile, outside,
the Bowery Boys show up,

and the Astor Place people
at the door are like,

"There's a dress code.
You can't come in here."

So they're like, "Oh, shit."
And that really pissed off the mob.

So they hung out outside.

People are just...
A real crowd is gathering out there.

Meanwhile, all the fancy people are inside.

Curtain comes up, and there's the witches.
"Bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble.

"Witches burn, and cauldron...
Shit to bubble..."

[LAUGHS] I can't fucking...

- Fuck. I fucked it up. Wait, wait, wait.
- [LAUGHS]

No, no.

"Bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble.

"Cauldron burns, and... Here's Macbeth!

"Here he comes!"

Macready comes in, and he's Macbeth,
and he's like, "Here I am!"

And then everybody starts hissing at him.

[HISSES]

He's like, "Oh, shit, here we go."

So, outside, this mob of 10,000 people,

they start picking up rocks
and, and cobblestones,

and start throwing them at the cops.

And then the militia guy is saying, "Start
firing into the crowd! Fire, fire, fire!"

And so they start firing
their muskets into the crowd.

And then all hell breaks loose.

It's just a goddamn massacre out there.
People are dying.

They're just like, "Burn this place down!"

They keep on battling, trying to
find their way into the opera house.

And it's ridiculous
'cause the play is over at this point.

The mob is infiltrating the opera house.

And so Macready
decides to put on a disguise.

And he's just like,
"I'm a New York hot dog man.

"No big deal. Hot dog! Get your hot dog!"

And he actually escapes.

And when the dust settles,
30 people are dead,

a hundred people are injured,
and it's the first time that a militia

has ever fired on a
mob of American citizens.

Edwin Forrest, he finds out
about the whole riot,

and he can't believe it.

[SLURS] In 1871, Edwin Forrest played
his last Shakespearean role

of King Lear.

"Hey. Here I am playing King Lear.
Can you believe it?

"We're here. We're Lear. Get used to it."

[BOTH LAUGHING]

- This is tequila, right? Yeah.
- Mmm-hmm.

To Steve Dahl.

- Teenagers everywhere.
- Mmm-hmm.

- Thanks. Thanks, Steve.
- Down the hatch, buddy.

- Mmm.
- Yeah. Mmm.

Once every 35 years.

- Is that right?
- I drink tequila.

You're like a... A cicada.

Keep those companies,

- you know, rolling and doling.
- Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]

Hello, I'm Bob Odenkirk,

and today we're gonna
talk about disco demolition.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Thanks, Bob. You okay?

- My first fucking sip.
- [LAUGHS]

ODENKIRK: Well, I guess
our story really begins in 1977,

with the massive success of fucking disco.

Which is a terrible form of music.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Anyway, 1977, Saturday Night Fever.

Very popular movie.

Blah, blah, blah. Everyone loved it.

"At WDAI, in Chicago, we're disco DAI.
All disco, all day and all night."

Okay, so Steve Dahl is a DJ, 24 years old,

at The Loop, WLUP 97.9.

And it's a rock 'n' roll station.

Steve Dahl, uh, says,

"Fuck you,
I'm not gonna play disco music."

And Steve is having a good time,
and he's blowing up disco records.

So on the radio, he'd go, "We got a
disco... Look, KISS made a disco record.

"I'm gonna blow it up."

Then he'd play it, and then scratch the...
[IMITATES SCRATCHING]

The needle on the record,
and then press a cart tape and...

[IMITATES EXPLOSION] Explosion sound.

And then laugh, and then
do other dumb shit.

WATERS: Like my favorite, Imus.

- [LAUGHS]
- What?

- Not like Imus.
- Okay.

Very much like Stern. I mean, truly.
But actually, before Stern.

So, it's 1979.

Jeff Schwartz is the promotions kid,
and he goes to... Sorry.

[BURPS] He goes to Mike Veeck
at the White Sox,

and he goes, "Let's do a disco demolition

"at White Sox Comiskey Park
for your team night."

Mike Veeck is like,
"Great! I love Steve Dahl."

And they hire a guy to,
uh, put the explosives in.

"We need you to blow up records."
"How many records?"

"Uh, well, I don't know. 2,000?"

"Okay, hold on a second. Slow down.
I need some goddamn real explosives here."

"All right, well, whatever you need.
You're the pro."

"Hell yes, I am.

"Just got back from the 'Nam
about five years ago.

"Anyhow... [CLEARS THROAT] I will
put your explosives together for you."

So Steve's on the radio for weeks, going,

"I got disco demolition coming up.

"Come to Comiskey Park
and bring a disco album.

"They'll take your album,
they'll put it in a bin.

"You'll pay 98 cents for a ticket.

"And then in between games,

"I'm gonna blow up all those albums.

"We're gonna destroy disco. Ha ha ha."

So, the night of the event comes.
July 12, 1979.

Steve's, like, watching. "Holy shit."

Kids are showing up.
They're showing up in droves.

Showing up, showing up.

Fifteen thousand. 20,000.30,000.

"Fucking A."

The first game is nuts.

Kids in the stands have records.
They're throwing them.

Record albums come
flying out of the stands.

- [WHIRS]
- Cutting into the grass.

Harry Caray's kind
of liking it, you can tell.

"Hey! All right, everybody, calm down!"

And Jimmy Piersall
is taking it way too seriously.

"These kids... Look at this.
This is a disgrace."

- Anyhow...
- [HICCUPS]

Game ends. First game ends. Sox lose.

That's not helpful.

And Steve... They drive out
to, like, center field.

This crate has been set up.

So. Uh, he gets on a mic.

And he goes, "Party!

"Yeah!

[LAUGHS] "Okay, disco sucks!"

"Disco sucks!" They start chanting.

"Disco sucks!" There's big banners.

"Disco sucks!" And it's kind of intense.

So, Steve's like, "All right,
I'm gonna blow them up!" [LAUGHS]

He puts way too much...

Real explosives.

[LAUGHS] Perfect storm.

So, Steve pushes the thing. Then...

[IMITATES EXPLOSION]

Big explosion.
Shit flying everywhere in center field.

You can't play another whole game in that.

That alone is the end. That's the end.

Only that isn't the end.

- [CLAPS]
- But what happens after it explodes?

[MUMBLES] What do you mean,
what happens after it explodes?

- It's a fucking disaster. [LAUGHS]
- [LAUGHS]

So, then these seven kids climb
over the wall. More kids, more kids.

Shit getting unhinged.

There's too many kids on the field.

"Holy shit, I'm on the...
What? Comiskey Park,

"the field where Babe Ruth hit home runs!"

They're running around the bases...

"Look at me! I'm gonna slide!"

Kids are pitching. "I'm
a pitcher. Whoo-hoo!"

Meanwhile, crazy Vietnam vet,
on his motorcycle,

going like, "[LAUGHS]
I did it. I really did it."

And Harry Caray is up in the booth going,
"Hey, it's a good time, everybody!

"Let's sing a song together!

[SINGING] "Take me out to the...

"You know this! Sing along!

"Okay, let's all get off the field now.
How about it?"

[LAUGHS] And the kids are like,
"Well, no. Not that."

They call the Chicago police.
They sent riot police. Full riot gear.

The cops come...
"Man, I'll teach you to be a teenager!

"A whack in the head!"

And, um, arrested 39 people
for vandalism and shit.

They call the game.
The White Sox are forced to forfeit.

Fucking A.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

They say it killed
disco. It did not kill disco.

What it did, potentially,
that was actually meaningful...

This event was like one massive tweet
sent out by a generation of kids.

And they pressed a button and said,

"We don't like disco that much. Okay?"

[LAUGHS] That's
essentially what the event was.

And, uh, if it killed disco,
it just sent a message that said,

"Maybe everybody doesn't
love this shit 24/7."

I would like to do some
disco lyrics right now.

WATERS: Okay, go ahead.

[SINGING] Baby, oh, yeah

Tonight's the night

[IMITATES SNARE]

- Tonight's the night
- Nights

The night of nights
Tonight, all right, a night...

All right, I get it.

[LAUGHS]

- Duly noted. Thank you.
- [LAUGHS]

- [SNORTS]
- Just shit. Just the worst.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Picture the Bee Gees in their bedroom.

The alarm goes off, and disco music plays.

And the Bee Gees all pop up,
and one of them is like,

- "Turn that shit off!"
- [WATERS LAUGHS]

Even they don't wanna hear
disco music at 6:00 a.m.

[LAUGHS]