Drunk History (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Landmarks - full transcript

The Brooklyn Bridge was
complete, and Emily Roebling

was like, I built the
[bleep] out this bridge.

I'm so drunk.

Victor goes at the Eiffel
Tower, and he's like,

we're tearing this bitch down.

Shakespeare is like, this
building belongs to us,

and we're going to take it.

What are we talking about?

We are going to get tipsy.

- Tipsy?
- No, we gonna get drunk.

- Okay, good.
- You know I like to



make mixed drinks for you.

- Yeah, what are we gonna have?
- We're gonna do Brooklyns.

We got rye whiskey, dry
vermouth, cherry liqueur.

How do you measure that?

No, don't worry about that.

Cheers to the Brooklyn...

To the Brooklyn Bridge.

Ooh.

How's that taste?

Hello, I'm Daryl Johnson,
and today, we're gonna talk

about the Brooklyn Bridge.

It's Brooklyn, 1865,
and it's becoming this

really emerging town.

The ferries are going back and
forth to Manhattan, and they



couldn't handle the load,
uh, so a committee was formed

in New York called The
New York Bridge Committee,

and they're just like,
this [bleep] is not working.

These ferries are [bleep] up,

and they decided that they
needed to have a bridge built.

This is going to be the
largest bridge ever built.

In the world?

In the world.

And so the New York
Committee hired John Roebling

to design and build the Brooklyn Bridge.

Now, he wanted to build
a suspension bridge.

There were a lot of naysayers
saying that suspension bridges,

oh they fall, they can't hold,

there can never be one that big.

So most suspension bridges
at the time were made

with hemp ropes, but
he developed wire ropes.

And so, John Roebling is the man.

Everybody is very excited to
see what this is gonna become.

You look like two of you right now.

Let me get this cherry out of here.

You ate the stem?

There's no stems.

Was there a stem?

So, Washington Roebling, who
was the son of John Roebling,

was this huge Civil War hero.
And while he was finishing up

his duties in the war,
he met Emily Warren.

And when Washington saw Emily
for the first time, he was like,

you are the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen

in my life.

And she was like...

Thank you, that's so cute, oh, my God.

And they got married, and
Washington calls his dad

and was like, hey, I met this
beautiful woman, I got married.

And he was like, great, son.
I need you to come to Brooklyn

and help me build this bridge.

And so they fly to Brooklyn, and they...

wait, no, they didn't
fly. I take that back.

There was no planes in 1865.

Okay, so, they moved to Brooklyn,

and two years into the process,
John Roebling got lockjaw

from tetanus. So he says to his son...

Son, I can't open my mouth,

but what I need you to do is
take over this bridge for me

because I'm 'bout to die,
and this is my legacy,

and I'm passing it to you,
so don't [bleep] this up.

And so...

Washington's freaking out, and
it was Emily who stepped in,

and she said, baby, I love you.

You can do this. You're the man.

And Washington Roebling was
like, yeah, you got my back.

We can do this.

So he developed these
pneumatic caissons, which were

these huge, wooden boxes.

And they blew in compressed
air, and then they had to put

people down there to
dig out the river bed.

So one day, a fire breaks
out, so Washington goes down

and tries to put the fire
out, and he's not really

paying attention, but he
comes up too fast and contracts

the bends, 'cause it
was all pressurized.

So if you come up too fast,
you begin to develop air bubbles

in your blood stream and
basically can create paralysis.

I mean, this is, like, a family struck

with all kinds of [bleep].

Yeah.

What's happening right
now? I'm so drunk.

Cheers.

Um, so now that he's basically
bedridden, Washington's like,

so much pain and agony
from this stupid disease,

and I don't even know how
I'm gonna finish the bridge.

And Emily steps up, and she's like,

I will complete this bridge
for you because you're my

everything, and I will do
whatever it takes to make

your legacy continue.

So she took it upon herself
to learn engineering and took

all his instructions to the
team every day and became

like the chief engineer.

And you know women didn't
have privilege back then,

so people were like, aw, you're a woman.

Shut the [bleep] up and go feed
your baby with your titties.

Can I say that? Can I say "titties"?

- Yeah, titties is my favorite word.
- Okay, titties.

I love titties.

So Emily Roebling slapped
the [bleep] out that man,

and she's like, oh, no. I'm
gonna teach you everything

you need to know about
building this bridge properly,

and that's what we gonna do.

And ain't gonna be no more
talk... no more backtalk, 'Kay?

So over the next nine years,
Emily is running the [bleep]

out of this bridge, and in
1883 the bridge is complete.

And Washington was like,
Emily, I need you to be

the first person to cross the bridge.

Would you do this for me?

And she was like, hell yeah.

And so she hops in a carriage
with a little white rooster

on her shoulder

as a symbol of victory.

And she was like, yeah, I
[bleep] built this [bleep].

Do you see me? I'm up
on this mother[bleep],

and I am turnin' it out.

I'm Emily mother[bleep] Roman...
Roebling, and I got this white

cock on my shoulder,
and I built the [bleep]

out this bridge.

And she rides across that
Brooklyn Bridge in a carriage

with a white rooster on her
shoulder, and history is set.

- Wow.
- Crazy, right?

I dunno what happened, but I
got way drunker than last time.

Derek, Derek!

Derek!

Oh, hey, Derek!

- Hi, Daryl.
- How you doin'?

- I'm good, you?
- I dunno. I'm drunk as [bleep].

- I got you.
- Thank you, Derek.

Use my shoulder.

Okay.

All right.

- No sleep till...
- No, Brooklyn!

Dun, dun, dun dun.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

I feel a little drunker this time, so...

I know you are.

Are y'all still filming?

- Yeah, this is a reality show.
- Oh, okay.

So I mean, I was, like, to
Courtney, like, no, you did not,

but you were there for it, Derek.

Oh, yeah, I was at the bar that night.

That bitch had it comin'.

That's the only reality line I
know, that bitch had it comin'.

Hello, my name is Jenny
Johnson, and we are gonna learn

about con man Victor Lustig.

So [bleep] buckle up.

Uh, our story's gonna begin in 1925.

Everyone in Paris [bleep]

hates the Eiffel Tower

because it was constructed
for the World's Fair,

and it was never meant to be permanent.

And now it costs too much for repairs.

And so one day, this dude named
Victor Lustig opens this French

paper up and starts reading
about this, and he says,

I know what I'm doing,
and what I'm gonna be doing

is rippin' people off, but
ripping dumb assholes off.

And so he looked up

five of the most, like,
well-known scrap metal dealers

and let them know

that he had a very,

a very lucrative enterprise.

And he's like,

hey, you know what... I'm gonna
rock the [bleep] out of this.

And Victor got a limo, he would
take these scrap metal people

to the Eiffel Tower, and he's like,

we're tearin' this bitch down.

And I've got the inside [bleep], okay?

So he finds his mark.

He finds the guy who was a
little, like, new and green,

and the guy's name was
Andre Poisson, and that's

how you pronounce it...
it sounds like "pussy."

It's not pussy, but, yes, you're right,

it does sound like that.

So Victor was like, yep,

Andre, you're my dog, you're my dude.

The Eiffel Tower? Break that bitch down.

And Andre's like, of course
I'm gonna buy the Eiffel Tower

from this guy.

So $70,000 Victor Lustig
takes from this dude,

and bounces the [bleep] out of France.

And he keeps lookin' at the papers.

When is this gonna, you know, show up?

It never shows up because

Andre Poisson didn't even
go to the police because

he was too embarrassed,
and he lost 70 grand.

So Vic goes back to Paris.

He says, eh, I'll do this [bleep] again.

Why the [bleep] not?

Except this time, he gets
the bomb-ass suite in, like,

the most baller hotel.

It was like The Cubdoop De
Crill Leptoo... Four Seasons.

So Victor brings all these folks in

to his bomb-ass hotel suite
and feels like, hey, man,

that... that's my mark. That's the guy.

He's eager, he's interested.
So Victor says, okay,

I am a French official times
ten, my [bleep] is official

as [bleep], but this guy
through the whole thing

was going, this sounds like
the most crooked [bleep]

I've ever heard.

So he ends up going
to the police, saying,

I think this guy's trying
to scam me, and y'all should

bust the [bleep] out of him.

Victor gets wind of it and says

bouncin' out again.

And he goes to Chicago
with another awesome scam

like you would not believe.

Victor goes to Al Capone
and says, I'm Victor Lustig,

but you can call me The Count,
which is a baller nickname.

Not... no, you just said the c-word.

- No, I... no I said The Cou...
- You said The [bleep],

- you said...
- No, I didn't.

- Yeah, you did, a little bit.
- I quietly said

- The Count.
- Could everyone in this room

agree that he kinda said The [bleep]?

They agreed.

- Okay...
- Okay.

So what did The [bleep] say?

So here's the deal, Al, I got this guy

who's gonna triple your money.

I just need 50 grand from you, in cash.

Now I'm sorry... this is in the
1920s... do you scam Al Capone?

'Cause I'm pretty sure

- he'll cut your dick off.
- Yeah.

He's like, hey, I have your dick,

and, like, juggle dicks
with like... juggle dead,

he like... he'll juggle
dicks in front of you.

- Yeah, best dick-juggler ever.
- Everyone knows that.

So Al Capone gives
Victor $50,000 and says,

yeah, triple that [bleep].

And Victor goes, pff, awesome.

But he takes it and puts it in
a safe and just leaves it there,

and then after two months
he goes back to Al Capone

and says, hey, A.C.,
I lost all your money,

but I'm not a dick like
that, so here's $50,000

out of my own pocket.

And Al Capone goes, hey,
man, thanks for being honest.

He gives him $5,000 just for a...

Thanks.

Victor was asked, why
in the [bleep] would you,

like, it's Al Capone. He juggles dicks.

And he said, I just
wanna gain his trust.

I'm a con man. If I
[bleep] up, that dude...

now he trusts me.

And he goes around place to place

with all of the dozens and dozens

of scams that he comes up with.

But they end up finding this
ass and sent him to Alcatraz.

But this dude was known as The Count,

and he came up with
this ten commandments of

how to con people, being

be a patient listener. Never look bored.

Wait for the other
person's political opinion,

and always agree.

You always let the other
person bring up religion,

and then you always agree.

Hint at sex talk, but
always let them bring it up.

Never discuss illness.

Never pry into their
personal circumstances.

Never boast, never be
untidy, and never get drunk.

Oh, and Al Capone went to jail, too.

Well, yeah, he's a dick-juggler.

- So hello, my friend.
- Hello.

Uh, because we're telling
a story that takes place

in the era of Shakespeare, in
Elizabethan England, for us,

- I have...
- Oh, my dear lord.

You wanna go old school on this one?

- What is this?
- This is ale, my friend.

This is real, dark, delicious ale.

- Take a swig.
- Mm.

- Atta boy.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, it just went down my shirt.

- Oh, Mark...
- I'm good.

Hello, my name's Mark Gagliardi,

and today we're gonna talk about

William Shakespeare and the
Great Theater Heist of 1598.

Oh, [bleep].

All right, let me set the stage for you.

It's the late 16th century,
in a neighborhood just north

of London called Shoreditch
where the most brilliant minds

of the time have started
gathering at the taverns.

You've got Sir Walter Raleigh,
and Christopher Marlowe,

who's like the biggest
playwright in the world.

And it was there that a guy
named James Burbage makes

this land deal with Giles Allen

and decides to build his own theater.

It is called The Theatre,

with an "re" not an "er."

You do it with an "re"
'cause it's classier.

Yeah.

So William Shakespeare shows up.

I'm William Shakespeare.

I'm the new guy, um...

So, in re... in, uh, so then he spends

he late 1580s, uh, writing...

And starring in some of his

early works, but in
1594, the theater scene

was viciously crippled by
a bubonic plague outbreak.

So James Burbage, founder
of The Theatre has decided,

here's what I'm gonna
do, I'm gonna get together

a troupe of actors made of
all of the actors whose troupes

had disbanded during the bubonic plague

and create a super group

of Elizabethan actors called

The Lord Chamberlain's Men.

Would you like water?

I'll take that as a no.

So Shakespeare's found his home

and his home is The
Theatre. And at this time,

Shakespeare is prolific.

He's writing some of his best plays.

He's churning out...
he's like, oh, hey, here,

try this one out.

This one's called "Hamlet."

Here, try this one out.
I call this one "Othello."

You're probably gonna need some
shoe polish to play Othello,

but nobody's socially conscious
enough that blackface isn't

a bad thing at this point.
So Shakespeare has these guys

doing these amazing plays until 1597.

Giles Allen says, oh,
you wanna renew the lease?

Hang on a second. I've
decided these plays

are bull[bleep]. I hate The Theatre.

And James Burbage is like, wait, what?

So Giles Allen... Guyles Allen?
Giles Allen? Giles Allen says,

I'm a Puritan, so I think
that plays are dumb even though

you're doing Shakespeare, and
your plays are gonna be read

by [bleep] school kids in
2015, because they're that

G.D. important, theater
is like, you know,

of the devil, so sorry.

And James Burbage was
so distraught by this

that he died of a broken heart.

And Giles Allen said, James
Burbage is dead, this is

my land, I'm gonna do
what I want with it.

But one of The Lord
Chamberlain's Men went,

hey, fellas, hang on a second.

I've been looking at the
lease, the, like, actual piece

of paper that our lease is written on,

and that lease says
Giles Allen owns the land,

but... technically speaking...

we own the building.

What are we going to do about this?

So then...

Hold on.

So then...

I was trying to be good

this episode and not
wind up on the floor.

- Here you go.
- Mm-hmm, thank you.

So on the night of December 28, 1598,

it happened that Puritan
landowner Giles Allen

was out of town for
the Christmas holiday.

The Lord Chamberlain's
Men decided to take matters

into their own hands.

William Shakespeare and the members

of The Lord Chamberlain's Men

are like, you know what?

This building belongs to us,
and we're going to take it.

They went into the costume
storage rooms, they put on

their most terrifying
military battle gear,

and they proceeded to take down

the entire building,

including the 30-foot beams
that held the building aloft.

Brick by brick, every last piece.

- I got you.
- What are we talking about?

- Um, Alexander Hamilton.
- How dare you.

So, uh, when Giles Allen
came back, he realized that,

oh, my God, the land
that I own, uh, this land

used to have a theater
on it, and no longer does.

What the eff happened?

I'm gonna try to bring you back up.

So Shakespeare and The Lord Admir...

Lord Chamberlain's Men,

they took down a whole building,

and they took all of those
pieces across the Thames,

and board by board they
rebuilt this theater,

rechristened it The Globe,
and this is where Shakespeare

premiered his greatest works.

And hey, did you learn
"Hamlet" in high school?

It's 'cause Shakespeare and
his buddies stole a theater.

Mark, you're the [bleep] best.

I wish you had a drink. I'd cheers you.

- I got one right here.
- What was that?

- No, where'd it go?
- I dunno.

- I had one.
- You did?

- Where'd you put it?
- I don't [bleep] know,

but I'm gonna do this with ya.

Here's your drink.

- Was this mine?
- Yeah.

I love you.

You're the [bleep] king.