Drunk History (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 7 - Election Special - full transcript

Good evening.

I'm Derek Waters, and I'm here in D.C.

to talk to you tonight
about what just happened.

Now, I very rarely ever get political,

but tonight, I felt the
need to let you know

what I think we need
to change as a country.

And truly, the first thing
that's important to me is...

[WHISPERING]

- Are you serious?
- Yeah. [SNIFFS]

I'm sorry. I'm just finding this out now.

BOTH: Live from Daytona Beach,



it's the Drunk History Election Special!

BOTH: Yeah!

DEREK: Oh, yeah!
STEVE: U.S.A.!

BOTH: U.S.A.! U.S.A!

Whoo!

- I love this country, baby!
- Whoo!

Hello, and welcome back
to the Drunk History Election Special.

- Mmm.
- Cheers.

- Thanks.
- I'm here with Steve Berg.

- Yes. Thank you for having me, Derek.
- Thank you, Steve.

So, here we have two turtles.

One Hillary, one Donald.

There's a presidential race coming on.

We're in the racing spirit. Let's race.



Right now, it looks
like... Donald's, like...

I mean, it looks like he's running...
He might be leaving the race.

It looks like the race might be rigged.

As this race continues,

we want you to watch
the first story of tonight.

And I don't want to be
the bearer of bad news,

but back in the old days,
elections were crazy.

Like, people would name-call
each other and be very rude.

What do you mean?
I thought they were very civil back then.

Sure, I wish that was true, but it's not.
Not like today.

Enjoy.

Hello.

Today we're gonna talk to you
about the election of 1800.

- [SLURPS]
- [DEREK CHUCKLES]

Thomas Jefferson and John Adams,
they were Founding Fathers of America,

and they were also the best of friends.

Adams was like, "The Constitution...

"You can kind of bend that
how you need to bend it.

"We can kind of work with this."

And Jefferson was always like,
"The Constitution is the Constitution.

"Can't fuck with that."

But they loved each other.

Until Adams became president.

And immediately, they
started butting heads.

John Adams was like,
"It's illegal to talk any shit

"about the President of the United States,

"and if you disagree
with the federal government,

"Fuck you."

And Jefferson was like,
"Well, this is tyranny.

"That's a violation of a little something
called freedom of speech."

It all really reaches its head
on the election of 1800,

where these two lifelong friends
were pitted against each other.

Adams is like, "If you elect Thomas
Jefferson, here's what you're gonna get.

"Murder, all the time.

"Incest. Your wives will lose their virtue,

"having sex with a
lot of dudes willy-nilly."

So, Jefferson starts talking
a lot of shit about John Adams.

We're talking about guys who, like,
created this country.

They were really, like,
a bunch of eighth graders.

He was like, "You know what?

"Adams has prostitutes
shipped in from overseas

"that he bangs all the time.

"I'm just gonna...
I'm just gonna tell you that right now."

"I'm... I feel like I keep seeing
spit flying from my mouth."

- No, I'm feeling it.
- Am I spitting a lot?

Yeah. I'm glad you're seeing it, yeah.

- That's good.
- I'm in the splash zone. [LAUGHS]

So, Jefferson went to the newspapers.

He says, "Uh... I want to tell you this.
John Adams is a hermaphrodite.

"He's got both man and woman sex organs."

This is, like, a published statement
from Thomas Jefferson.

Adams was like,
"Okay, fine. You want to go that route?"

That's when shit got really dirty.

Adams says,
"Oh, by the way, if you were thinking

"about voting for Jefferson,
you shouldn't, because he's dead."

DEREK: That's a pretty good campaign.
PATRICK: It's a very good campaign.

- DEREK: "Vote for me. I'm alive."
- Yeah.

"Even if you disagree with everything
I say, at the very least, I'm alive."

Would you rather be accused of having
a penis and a vagina or being dead?

I think being alive with a penis and a
vagina would be an amazing experience.

- And you're alive.
- [DEREK LAUGHS]

Jefferson calls upon a hatchet man,

James Callender, to publish
newspaper articles about Adams.

Adams...

What was I gonna say here?

"Oh, yeah, and he's gonna go to war
with the French."

That's what was published
in the newspapers.

And it's a lie. It's not true at all.

America was like,
"I don't want to go to war with the French.

"That sounds terrible."

And they elect Jefferson into office.

Jefferson wins.

Adams is like, "You want to go
with this loser, fine.

"But before I leave,
I'm going to appoint all of these people

"who violently oppose everything
Jefferson stands for."

And then he's like, "I hope you
like all these assholes."

So, cut to four years down the line,

and Jefferson's daughter dies,
and Abigail Adams is like,

"Look, I know we've had our
differences with Jefferson,

"but I should pop him off a letter."

She's like, "Look, I'm really, really sorry
about your daughter,

"and it sucks that she is dead."

Jefferson gets this letter, and he's like,

"I want to thank you so much
for being so considerate

"about the death of my daughter.

"But while I've got your attention,
I also want to tell you,

"Fuck you,

"and fuck your husband
for being such assholes

"who fucked up my presidency."

She's like, "John, you know what?

"We're done with Thomas Jefferson.
He's an asshole.

"I tried to make it
work with this guy, but...

"But fuck him."

So, these two don't speak for a decade.

Eventually, Benjamin Rush,
who was another Founding Father,

was like, "Look, John Adams.
Johnny, I love you two guys.

"Why aren't you speaking anymore?

"Why can't we all be friends like
we used to back in those glory days,

"those 1776 days, that were so magical?"

And John Adams was like,
"Look, I love Tommy Jeffs.

"I'm a big fan.

"I'll pop him off a letter."

It's very general.
It's like, "Hey, how you doing?"

"You know, I miss you.
I hope you're all right.

"How's things going?"

Jefferson gets the letter. He's like,

"Adams. Johnny Ads.

"Good to hear from you, buddy.
It's been 10 years.

"How's life?"

And the letters start flowing,
and before you know it,

they start to connect on certain things.

They start to connect on,
"I'm a little concerned about slavery."

Thomas Jefferson was
like, "I'm anti-slavery,

but I do have
hundreds of slaves."

[LAUGHS] Uh...

Uh...

What am I talking about? [LAUGHS]

Keep going. You got it.

It's weird how quickly alcohol
makes you not realize what you said at all.

[LAUGHS]

So, by the end of their life,
these two have exchanged 158 letters,

and they're best friends again.

Then it's 1826.

John Adams is on his deathbed,

and his last words are,
"Independence forever."

And also, "Thomas Jefferson survives."

Because that guy's fuckin' awesome.

Little did he know, that
just a few hours prior,

miles and miles away,
Thomas Jefferson had also died.

That day was July 4th, the 50th anniversary

of the signing
of the Declaration of Independence,

which is crazy.

That's true friendship.

- True friendship.
- Cheers.

To friendship. You're my best friend.

We barely know each other, Derek.

No, we're best friends.

DEREK: Do you remember Abraham Lincoln?

- He's on the five.
- Yeah.

- Did you know he was a lawyer?
- Nope.

Did you know he was a nerd?

A never-ending rad dude?

Yeah. In a way.

I did not know that. I did not know that.

Well, neither did me.

And let's see the story we did about
Abraham Lincoln as The Lincoln Lawyer.

Should we look up there?
'Cause that... Like, that...

- Is that where the TV is?
- I think the TV would be right there.

Okay. Mmm.

[LAUGHS] That's funny.

STEVE: He looks hammered.

Hello, I'm Rich Fulcher,

and today I'm gonna introduce
Abraham Lincoln, the lawyer.

You know this device called the reaper?

In the 19th century, people were like...

[GUTTURAL NOISE]

And then McCormick invented
an automatic reaper.

People were like, "This is crazy.

"I can't believe this."

John Manny said,

"I invented the automatic reaper."

And then that meant there was
a big... [SLURRING] lawsuit.

"I invented the reaper, you motherfucker."

"I invented the reaper, you motherfucker."

And Manny got some Philadelphia lawyers

called Harding and Stanton and Watson

and some other people.

These guys are like, "We've got
to, um, do this with a local guy."

But they didn't know anybody,
and so they hired this guy.

Lincoln was this lawyer, man.

He was, like, a lawyer.

When Lincoln answered the door,

Stanton went, "He's,
like, some sort of nerd.

"Lincoln's, like, a nerd.

"And, I mean, it's not even, like,
a funny sitcom or anything."

And then, this guy, Watson,
looks at him and says,

"Oh, shit, he doesn't even
have, like, a Watson, or...

"He doesn't have a Watson.

"He doesn't have a...

"Vest."

"Whoa, what's that all about?

"What are you doing?"

Lincoln was, like,
viewed as persona non grata.

The case changed to Cincinnati.

Stanton and Harding go,

"Mmm-hmm, we don't
need Lincoln anymore."

But Lincoln didn't even know
about any of this shit.

But he would just keep
researching and researching.

"Oh, yeah, bup-bup-bup-bup. I've
been just going along with my own fun."

And he would write.

He would be like,
"Am I involved in this case or what?"

Finally, he found out that the case

had been moved to Cincinnati,
and he was like,

"Fuck.

"I've gotta go to Cincinnati!"

So he went.

Lincoln went up to the hotel
where all the lawyers were,

and Stanton saw Lincoln
coming... Coming up.

"Oh, my God. This guy is a lanky,

"gawky, awkward, ape-legged...

"Ape... armed... man.

"This guy is weird.
This guy is like an ape.

"He's got ape arms.

"He's got, like, ape, awkward arms.

"This guy is, like, an ape, awkward guy.

"This guy is an ape!

[SLURRING]

"He's like an ape-man.

"This guy is like an ape, awkward man!"

Lincoln stayed for the whole case.

They'd just go on without even
acknowledging Lincoln.

The legal arguments that
were made and the structure...

"Oh, my God. This is the way to do it.

"Like... Oh, shit."

It was just, like, a myriad of wonderment.

I'm, um...

Um...

Hum, hum, humma, hum, hum, humma.

- Humma, Lincoln!
- [DEREK LAUGHS]

Manny won.

And everything was great.

So, Lincoln goes back to Chicago,

like, "I know what I need to do now.

"I'm gonna study my ass off
and get things going.

"I'm gonna get my shit in gear

"or I'm gonna be Mr. Shit House."

And five years later, he becomes...

the president.

Here's the thing,

because Stanton was part
of the firm that said,

"We're, like, not into you."

Lincoln said, "I'm gonna get Edwin Stanton

"to become Secretary of War."

How cool is that?

When Lincoln dies, he says,

"Now he belongs to the ages."

And Lincoln goes,

"Fuck. That's great."

DEREK: What's the biggest lesson
to learn in this story?

My, uh, balls are big.

He's alive.

Hey, welcome back. I'm Steve Berg.

This is my boy, Derek. Say hi, Derek.

Oh, hey. Hi.

Derek was just telling me that a woman
has run the country before.

Yes.

- I did not know that.
- Oh.

Well, that's what
Drunk History is here for.

Excuse me. I, uh...

How do I turn this off?

Hello. [LAUGHS]

Today we're gonna talk about Edith Wilson,

the first female president
of the United States.

Woodrow Wilson was the president of...

uh...

America. The United States of America.

Edith fucking Wilson was
the goddamn president's wife.

So Woodrow Wilson, he had
18 months left in office,

and he has a fucking stroke.

His doctor was like,

"Uh, Woodrow Wilson has had a stroke.
A big stroke.

"Like, we-can't-move-y'all stroke.

"So, what you gonna do?"

And Edith was like,
"Well, who I love is this man.

"For who he is, and who he is

"is a guy who wants to be president
for some fucking reason.

"So, if I don't..."

Just ignore that.

"If I don't..." Just ignore that.

"If I don't help him be president,

"what a kind of wife am I?"

The doctor's like, "Uh...

"You got to run the fuckin' country,
'cause this guy's out for the count."

So Edith was like, "No prob. I got this.

"Shut up. Sit down.

"I am in charge now.

"Can I get my cheesy bread I brought?"

DEREK: Your what?

Cheesy bread that I brought.

- Can we finish this part?
- What part?

The part that we want to do.

I did it bad.

We're still doing it.

All right. Well...

- I don't want the bread anymore.
- [DEREK LAUGHS]

So Edith Wilson, she told America,

"Hey, guys. [CLAPS]

"Excuse me. My husband, the president,

"he's very tired.

"And he will be resting.

"He's very tired, so he needs to rest."

And she even went to Congress,

and was like, "Hey, no big deal.

"I'm giving him everything
you're saying, Congress.

"I'm giving him all the
letters and the things.

"So, what do you guys think of this rule

"or a law or thing that we're working on?"

And they'd be like,
[YAWNING] "Whatever, we think this."

And then she'd bring
it to Woodrow who was like,

half awake, and she'd be like,

"All right. Well, Congress is like,
'Blah, blah, blah.""

And he'd be like, "Uh..."

And she was like,
"Well, I guess I'll compromise.

"I'm just gonna fucking make the..."

[SLURRING]

"Make the decision-ism myself."

So basically, Edith Wilson was
the first female president.

She ran memos between Congress and him.

Congress is like, "All right.

"What...

"What...

"What is going on?"

So, Congress picked this one
Republican senator, Albert Fall.

They're like,
"Albert, go see what his true condition is.

"Go see what Wilson's true condition is."

So, Albert Fall shows up.

He's like, "Can we come in
and see the true condition?"

She's not fucking stupid. She's like,

"Yeah, sure. Come on in."

So, Albert Fall comes in.

And was like, "Yep, he's... This is him.

"Making decisions every day,

"and not I... Take the... Thank you, honey.

"And I take the papers from him

"that I don't understand, 'cause
I'm just some dumb broad."

And Edith just propped up Woodrow in bed.

Like, waving, like "Hey."

And they're like, "Oh, okay. Cool."

And she's like, "Bye." And then they leave.

That's how dumb government is.

We had a woman fucking
running this country.

And guess what?
You could go, "Nothing good happened."

But I can go, "Nothing bad happened."

9/11 didn't happen on her watch.

Um, Disneyland with Johnny Depp at the...

The... The Haunted Mansion,
that's all Tim Burton...

That didn't happen on her watch.

Christmas and Halloween combined,

a lot of things.

Basically, everyone at this point is like,
"Where is the president?

"Where is our boss?"

Whoever in the name of God is like,

"Our boss is missing.
We can't wait to get him back"?

Nobody!

Nobody wants to see their boss.

Ow! [GROANING]

So, she literally is like,
"I can feel the heat on me.

"I know what I'll do.
I'll set up a photo-shoot."

And they prop up Woodrow Wilson
in the Oval Office.

So he's, like, sitting there,

and they, like, move his arm, and
then they just release that to the press.

And that's how dumb people were back then.

They're like, "Oh, there's the president
sitting there, signing a document.

"What the heck were we worried about?

"He seems to be all at work and shit.

"So, that's all fine."

That's how she ran the country.

That's a good story.

This is our... [LAUGHS]

- Can I just get back up?
- Watch your head.

- Huh?
- Can I just get back up?

Yeah.

But it's not on the show.

- What?
- Anything.

When does it start filming?

DEREK: Guys, come on.
Who wants to be president?

It's not working.

It feels like they don't
want to be president.

Why would you want to be president?

- I do.
- It's a crazy gig.

DEREK: Yeah, I don't know.

But all we can say is, let's all
just make good history together.

I like that, man.

- You do?
- I love that.

- All right.
- I love that.

We love you. Thank you.

Look at Hillary go.

STEVE: Go, Hillary!
Go, H!

DEREK: Go, Hillary.
Go, go, go!

STEVE: Go, go, go!
Whoo!

- [CHEERING]
- [LAUGHING]

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

This has been one of
the best days of my life.

Truly a dream come true
to do an election special.

Thank you to Kent Alterman, Ian Friedman,

everybody at Comedy Central
for allowing this to happen.

This has been such a dream come true.

Thank you, and go America!

- Whoo!
- [EXCLAIMS]

- [LAUGHING]
- Oh, man.

- Yeah.
- Thank you for doing this.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]