Drunk History (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Great Escapes - full transcript

Dr. Timothy Leary decided,

"All right, I'm gonna get the fuck
out of this stupid shithole."

This is Galileo!

William Willis is like,
"That sounds like a travesty.

"What if I went to go rescue this guy?"

Oh, Jesus Christ.

April 14th, 1912, the
Titanic hits the iceberg.

Charles Joughin was like,
"Oh, my God, what now?"

- That one's yours.
- Thank you.

- To Timothy Leary.
- To Timothy Leary.

- Cheers. To you, Duncan.
- Cheers. To you, Derek.



Mmm-hmm.

Good day to you, my friends.
My name is Duncan Trussell.

And today,
we're gonna talk about Timothy Leary.

I have a quick question I want to ask you.

How much is acid?

Okay. There's my answer.

Well, it should be free.

So, Timothy Leary
was a professor at Harvard.

And he starts doing these
amazing experiments with LSD.

So, Timothy Leary starts
announcing to the world,

there's no reason that you have to go
to war and kill people you don't know.

"We're all but one thing, man.
I've learned this from this chemical.

"Tune in, turn on, drop out."

Nixon was president.



So, Richard Nixon said,
"Timothy Leary must be stopped."

Like, they wanted him in jail.

They're psychopaths!

You're dealing with a psycho...
You're dealing with, like, lunatics.

Timothy, okay, so...

Timothy Leary is in Laguna Beach,
gets pulled over by a cop.

They plant joints on him.

The cop is like, "Oh yeah, we found
two roaches in your fucking car."

So, Leary's like, "Really?
You're gonna arrest me for this?

"Really? That's who you are? You asshole!"

So, he got put in jail.

And the sentence is 30 years.

He goes to prison
in San Luis Obisbal... Obispo.

San Luis Obisbal.

I can't even sit up.

So, Leary is in prison,
sitting in his bunk,

thinking to himself, "Why am I in prison?

"I'm in prison because of
some backwards, bullshit,

"narcissistic, cock-sucking government,

"that we're supposed to act like
it's the way things work

"in this shit-game we
call the United States!"

So he starts planning an escape.

And so, like, he made friends

with, uh, the people
who have been in prison the longest.

They tell him, "Like, uh, well,
there's a cable that runs over the prison.

"That, if someone had the guts,
they could crawl across that wire,

"and probably get free,
and that's how you get out of here, baby."

- He called him baby?
- Yeah.

Okay, so he meets every Sunday
with his wife, Rosemary.

And he's like, uh, "I love you.

"You're amazing. You're beautiful.

"I want to get out of prison,
so let's raise some money,

"and figure out a way for someone
to get me the fuck out of this shithole."

Rosemary raised $23,000.

Gave it to the Weather Underground.

So the Weather Underground
was a group of activist students.

They were like, "Listen, if you really
want to get out of this prison,

"do it in late September,
because that's when the fogs come."

And so he waits.

And he starts working out.

So, Timothy Leary was, like,
playing handball, sit-ups,

working out in the day.

Timothy Leary was playing handball,
doing bench fucking presses,

sit-ups, getting ripped.

So, on September 12th, 1970,

it's foggy, it's the
perfect time to escape.

So, Dr. Timothy Leary decided,

"All right, I'm gonna get the fuck out
of this stupid shithole."

So, he creeps out of his cell,
he gets out of there.

Goes out into the hallway,
and he looks around the hall.

So he sneaks around, into a doorway
that opens up to the prison yard.

Runs across the prison yard
in the dead of the night.

He avoids the lights,

and, uh, climbs up a
tree. He climbs up a tree.

And he's, like, on the
rooftop like a squirrel.

Runs over the roof.

And there's the wire.

So he gets to the cable,
he begins to climb across the cable.

So he's hanging...
Really think about this, man!

This is Galileo!

This is one of the smartest
people that ever lived!

This is one of the smartest of us.

- I'm with you.
- All right.

So, halfway through the cable,
he thinks to himself,

"I'm out of energy.

"They're gonna poke me out of here
like a fucking sloth in a tree.

"With a stick.

"I'm gonna die."

And then he found something
deep inside of him.

Some reservoir of energy, and he's like
"No, I'm gonna keep moving.

"And I'm gonna climb across
this fucking cable."

And that's what he did.

Climbed across the cable. Dropped down.

So, Leary's running down the fucking road.

Half-mile, he's been training for this.

Rocky Balboa was...

He was Rocky Balboa!

- Now you have to say it.
- He was Rocky Balboa!

He was running down the street.

Van pulls up.

It's the Weather Underground,
and they're like,

"Man, let's go to Algeria, you idiot!"

So they capture him again.

He gets sentenced to Folsom.

And then Governor Jerry Brown
gets him a pardon.

He leaves, a free man.

He went to jail for nothing.

He was in prison because he was too smart.

If being smart was illegal,
we would be in the best planet on Earth.

Being smart is not illegal.
Being dumb is legal.

- What are your dogs' names?
- This is Fox and that's Gatsby.

It's ruining everything. I knew they would.

I thought they were being
locked away in the basement?

Well, they got out.

They escaped. My fucking dogs...

They escaped!

Have you ever escaped from anywhere?

Omaha.

- How did you escape?
- Oh, I just got in my car and drove.

- You didn't tell your parents?
- No, I said...

You know, "Be back for Christmas."

Hello, I'm Steve Berg, and today, we're
gonna be talking about Devil's Island.

Our story begins in 1908.

A 15-year-old boy named William Willis
boards a boat as a seaman.

He learns about sailing,

doing a little cookery,
emptying out a latrine.

He becomes a jack-of-all-trades.

He's like, "I'm a master
seaman-slash-adventurer."

William was a guy who had no idols,

except, the fictional
character of Don Quixote.

In 1938, William injures his leg,

and it's a pretty bad situation.

So, William ended up at a boarding house
run by a woman named Madame Carnot,

and she was regaling William about her son,

Bernard.

She's like,
"My son was wrongfully accused of murder,

"and now he's there, rotting on an island
in a French penal colony.

"Dying! Rotting!

"Amongst the worst... Um...

"Worst-amongst-worst humans

"that are basically around."

And William's like,
"That sounds like a travesty.

"What if I went to go rescue this guy?"
He wanted to be Don Quixote.

And that was a big thing for him.
That's why he went on these adventures.

♪ I am I, Don Quixote
the Man of La Mancha

♪ My destiny calls, and I will heed ♪

Haven't you heard that song?
There was a musical made about it.

- That's a great one.
- I auditioned for it. Didn't get the part.

True story. Anyway...

William Willis sets off for Devils' Island,
but lands on Dutch Guiana.

Soon after, he meets this ex-convict who's
been there for 30-plus years, named Jules.

And Jules says to him right away,
he sees William Willis smile...

He goes...

"Keep your teeth in your mouth closed.

"If you've got a mouth full of gold,
you are a walking money-sign, dude.

"They will rip those fillings right out."

And William's like,
"Okay, I like the cut of this guy's jib.

"Maybe he's my Sancho Panza."

So, he kind of confides in Jules, and says,

"Jules, the reality of the situation is,

"I am here trying to find
a guy named Bernard Carnot."

Jules is like, "I'll help you out.

"What the hell am I doing, you know?
I'm just, like, eating roots,

"and, like, eating thrown-out fish parts.

"So I'm gonna help you out
on this mission."

Here comes those hiccups.

All right.

Meanwhile, William and Jules
set off for Devil's Island.

So, they wander around
the piranha-infested Maroni River.

And they're looking in
every nook and cranny,

for any kind of clue for Bernard.

And, in the midst of this adventure,

William turns to Jules,
and says...

"Wow, look at all these
blue butterflies, man."

And Jules is like, "Yeah, I know.

"They're nice."

And William's like,
"God, I'm getting kind of frustrated, man.

"I might have, like,
came all the way here for nothing."

Oh, my God, hiccups.

Sorry, one second.

So they sail around, and finally,
they get to Devil's Island.

And it is the place that you
would call hell on Earth.

Soon after, William
comes down with a fever.

Jules is like, "William, oh, Jesus...

"No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

"You've got malaria, brother."

So, he takes William to a witch doctor.

And this witch doctor's like, "Yeah,
this old hat, I've seen this before."

And the witch doctor slices open parrots.

And attaches them to each foot.

So, the witch doctor says,
"I'm gonna give you some old monkey broth,

"which is an old recipe from my mom's.
It's gonna cure you."

Meanwhile, his main
man, Jules, he was like,

"William, you just get better,
I'm gonna go do some recon."

So he starts asking around,

"Do you know a Bernard Carnot?"

Finally, he comes across a guy who says,

"Yeah, I think I've heard
of a Bernard Carnot.

"He lives in a shack
up on the rocky cliff."

So, Jules heads up
there, knocks on the door,

he opens it, and there's this man there.

Jules is like, "Are you the Bernard Carnot
who, uh, mother owns a boarding house?

"She was a very sweet woman,
plump and beautiful, with a...

"Heavy breastal area?"

So what he does is,
he pulls out the trump card,

and puts a picture of
his mother in his hands.

And, the guy looks at
the picture of his mother,

and begins to weep like a child.

"Mama, mama...

"Oh, mom. Mama-woo, mom!"

- Mmm?
- Yeah.

- You know what I mean?
- Yeah.

So, he gets word back to William,
who is now feeling better.

He's like, "You found him?
While I was resting in bed?

"Jules, you're okay."

And for 25 bucks, they get him
on a supply steamer to Brazil.

And Jules says to him,

"Before you go, there's something
I'd like to give to you."

And it is a box of the most
brilliant, blue, Amazonian butterflies

you have ever seen.

And William looks at him, and says, "Jules,
these are some nice butterflies, man."

Jules is like, "I know."

Oh, Jesus Christ! All right.

And that's the end.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

♪ I traveled

♪ Throughout the world

♪ I take one down, and I

♪ Pass it around

♪ The world

♪ Of adventure

♪ The world of adventure

♪ I've traveled down

♪ The river wild

♪ The world

♪ Of adventure

♪ The world of adventure ♪

Okay.

- Ready?
- Yes.

Hello, I'm Doug Jones, and today,
we're gonna talk about Charles Joughin,

the chief baker of the RMS Titanic,

who saved his own life by drinking whiskey.

That was great.

Our story begins in 1912,

when the Titanic was ready
for its maiden voyage.

Charles Joughin was
hired as the chief baker.

He's 34 years old. He's like,
"Holy shit, this is the big times.

"And baking that comes out of this voyage,

"I am the guy that decides,
is it a pie or a cake.

"Cake. Pie.

"Pie. Cake.

"I'm in charge."

Also, Charles Joughin
was a lover of the booze.

He kept a flask on his person at all times.

He kept booze stocked
in his personal cabin,

and he was actually making his own booze.

All right, so, April 14th, 1912,

11:40 p.m.

At this point, Charles Joughin was drunk.

He's retired with a nightcap.

All of a sudden, the
Titanic hits the iceberg.

The whole room's shaking.

He gets up out of his bunk, and he's
just like, "What the hell's going on?"

Word started being passed down
that there was an emergency,

and they were deploying lifeboats.

And he's like, "Oh,
my God, that's serious."

The little bit of whiskey
made him keep his cool.

Charles Joughin arrives on the top deck.
It's time for him to get on the lifeboat.

But, he begins escorting women
and children into the lifeboats.

Now, some of the women
declined to get into the lifeboat.

They looked at the lifeboat,
they said, "That's not safe.

"I'm gonna stay on the Titanic.

"Everyone says that it's unsinkable."

Charles Joughin was like,
"Are you crazy? Get on the lifeboat now!"

And the women were like,
"No, you're a baker.

"You look silly with your hat."

He was like, "Okay, well,
if you're not getting on the lifeboat,

"then I'll get you on
the lifeboat for you."

And he starts picking up
the women and children.

Takes them, throws them down.

He finishes, like, loading the lifeboat.

He starts picking up deck chairs
and throwing them overboard.

- Okay, keep going.
- The process of the sinking

was in motion, and there was no
turning back at that point.

But, he goes back to his cabin,
and he's like, "Ugh, what a day."

He pours himself another glass of whiskey,

and he just chills.

When I laughed, I blew...

I blew the alcohol into my face.

I blew it into my face.

Whew.

I'm doing a good job.

- RMS.
- Mmm-hmm.

RMS stands for "Royal Mail Ship."

Do you know how it was a mail ship?

- No.
- It had a big fat dick.

That's the joke.

So after, uh, 30 minutes,

the water starts flooding in.

There's a huge crash.

And he's like, "Oh, my God, what now?
Could this get any worse?"

The Titanic breaks in half.

And the whole stern side
of the ship starts tilting.

He goes back up to the deck.

Everybody's panicking.

Men, women, and children,
all are sliding down the deck,

falling off of the boat.

He just kept his cool.

People are screaming.

He put his life belt on
and he tightened it up.

And, very causally,
he marches up to the stern,

and climbs over the railing.

He said out loud,

"Well, here we go."

As the ship sinks, he's riding
the stern down like an elevator.

Very elegant, like a full-on gentleman.

And he just gracefully
steps into the water.

Doesn't even get
a single hair on his head wet.

Charles Joughin was the very last person

on the RMS Titanic.

Because of the amount of alcohol,

he didn't feel the cold at all,

and he was able to sustain
the cold temperature

for over three hours.

The rescue ship finally arrives.

Out of the hundreds and hundreds and
hundreds of people who fell in the water,

only six survivors.

When he gets on the ship,

they're immediately giving him
medical attention,

and they decide to thaw him out
by putting him into a oven.

So he goes in the oven,
and he's just kind of like,

"Wow, look at me now."

"Yesterday, I was baking pies in an oven.

"Today, I am in an oven,
and I am... I am a pie!"

I'm gonna... I'm gonna shoot it with you.

But, do you realize, we're about
to be fucking freezing cold?

Remember, this is for Charles Joughin.
If he can do it, I can do it.

All right.

Okay. Whoo!

Let's get in the oven.

- Ugh.
- Where's the oven?

There's two jokes I want to avoid.

Seamen.

And a poop...

Poop deck. Yeah, and a poop deck.