Drunk History (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 13 - Space - full transcript

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Carl Sagan and Ann Druyan create
a mix tape, plated in gold.

Has that been on this whole time?

Wernher von Braun, the father

of American rocket
science, joins the SS.

- What does "SS" stand for?
- S-Serious Nazis.

So Leonov's like,

Oh, I [bleep] up this whole thing.
The suit blew up too big.

He's got... filled! It's filled!

The suit's...



Space! That's a river,
that's made out of sky.

Somebody, like, said,
"Oh, look at that thing up there.

"What if we could go to that?

"You want to put me
up in this garbage can

with fireworks strapped
to it? I'll do it."

People that were smart
enough to go into space?

Those are the smart enough
ones to impregnate anything,

anything out there.

- Cheers.
- One, two, three.

To space.

Your finger got in
the way of that one.

One, two, three.

To space.

Good connection.



Hello, today we're going to
talk about Carl Sagan, and...

I had to let it out... and Ann Druyan.

In 1977, the outer planets
were in precise alignment,

and the guys at NASA were like...

We could send up two spacecraft,
"Voyager 1" and "Voyager 2,"

that could swing around each
planet to collect data, and

conduct research, and to take
pictures, and to possibly...

no, for sure-edly, be
flung into deep space.

Let's [bleep] some [bleep] up.

So NASA comes to Carl Sagan,
who's a famous astronomer,

astrophysicist, and they're like,

Hey, man, would you like to lead a team

that creates the message...
a mix tape...

for all of humanity, that we
cast into the cosmic ocean?

Mother[bleep]ing Carl Sagan is like,

Abso-[bleep]-lutely.

Let's put together a kick-ass team.

He hires Ann Druyan to
be the creative director.

She's a journalist, she's
a writer, she's amazing.

So, they talked about how
to, like, send the message,

and an 8-track tape came up at
one point, but Carl was like,

This thing is going
to get [bleep] up in your Cadillac.

What's it going to do
at 35,000 miles an hour

for a billion years in deep space?

So these guys at NASA are looking
at each other, and they were like,

We could do this on a record.
A copper record, plated in gold.

We'll plate this thing
in gold, assholes.

What do we care? We're the
United States government."

We're NASA!

So... Annie and Carl sat
around his kitchen table

for hours on end, going over

What should be included
on the golden record.

They talked about all that
was best about humanity,

what was beautiful, what was poetic.

They looked at each other and said,
Let's include whale sounds.

Let's include thunder.

Let's include pictures
of drinking and licking

and swallowing and biting and eating.

Um, this is where the music
should swell underneath.

And Annie is looking at Carl, thinking,

This will outlive ourselves,
maybe by a billion years.

- Is "outlive" a word?
- Mm-hmm.

They begin working on a record.

They recorded a child's
voice, that's like,

Greetings, from the
children of planet Earth.

They recorded a baby
that was like, "Waa."

A kiss, like,

Um, birds.

Has that been on this whole time?

Mm-hmm.

Guess I haven't looked
since we started filming.

Okay, where are we? Sorry.

Carl was like,
Oh! We have to represent

different eras of humanity.

So Ann found a 2,500 year old piece

of ancient Chinese
music, and she was like,

Oh, my gosh, that's some old-ass music.

I have to let Carl know.
This is the greatest ever.

And she calls him, doesn't
get him, leaves a message:

Hey, it's Annie, I got it!
It's called "Flowing Stream."

It's an ancient piece of Chinese music,

the most exciting thing so
far that we needed... yes.

It might sound like what
plays under your massage,

or whatever, but it's
important and we needed it,

and you're not here, and
it would be really cool

if you were here, or whatever.

This is Annie.
Might've already said that.

Good-bye.

Carl calls her back, and says,

I wish you had left me
this message... a message...

ten years ago.

And she was like,
What are you talking about?

He was like, I guess you and me?

And she was like, For keeps?
And he was like, Yeah.

And then they hung up the
phone, and she was like,

Jesus. What is going on right now?

And the phone rings again.
And he was like, What's going on?

And she was like, I
think we just got engaged.

And he was like, I think
that's 100% cool with me.

Wrong pipe.

Sorry about that.
And they got engaged over the phone,

having never shared a kiss,
a romantic moment, nothing.

- Hmm.
- I just started to get choked up.

And um, after their declaration
of love, she gets an idea.

Annie goes to Bellevue Hospital,

gets all hooked up, and
she meditates for an hour

on her love for Carl, and
they recorded her brain waves

and all of her thoughts
were compressed into a minute

of an audio file that was
included in the golden record.

It sounds like fireworks, like...

Like that.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah...

So, in 1977, the golden
record was launched into space,

containing what we consider
our very best everything.

Carl and Annie went on to create
the "Cosmos" series for PBS,

and they were together for
almost 20 years before Carl died.

And, to this day, Annie will be like,

Whenever I feel sad or depressed,

I think, "And still they move."

I mean, that's crazy... those spacecraft

carrying all of our best
science, art, greetings

and the thoughts of a woman
who had just fallen in love.

- It's a beautiful story, isn't it?
- Yeah.

The Soviets launched
the Sputnik satellite,

and Wernher von Braun is
like, We gotta get to space!

You made me full face my face.

- Are you scared?
- No. Yes. Incredibly.

Space! Space! Space!

Oh, my lord.
Oh, my God!

Waters, dude!

We're having a Sputnik cocktail.
Sputnik!

Named after the first satellite

ever launched into
orbit by the lousy Reds.

But here's the key
ingredient to a Sputnik.

Do you want to know what it is?

- Please.
- Sour grapes.

Cheers.

Hello. My name is Matt
Gourley, and today,

we're gonna talk about
Wernher von Braun.

Wernher Magnus Maximilian
Freiherr von Braun.

Cheers.

Wernher von Braun.

He's the father of
American rocket science,

and at 13 years old, in Prussia,

and he's looking to the heavenly bodies,

and he's seeing for the first time,

there's something to explore there,

and at that point, he says to himself,

We gotta get to space,
me and a bunch of guys.

He wants to get to space at all costs,

and this will be the downfall.

So then, in 1939,

he's the technical
director of the V-2 rocket.

He's just there with
his buddies, going like,

We're building rockets.

And then,
World War II really hits the fan.

And out of nowhere, a
man shows up... guess who?

Derek, guess who?

- Adolf Hitler.
- Whoa.

And no [bleep], he's literally
shrouded in a voluminous cape.

- Do you want a candy?
- Whoa, ow. Jesus.

So he says, Hey, Wernher von Braun,

why don't you rain
down some V-2 rockets...

you've been developing these things...
indiscriminately on England?"

And he's like, Hmm. Okay.

And so he joins the SS.

What does "SS" stand for,
for those that don't know?

S-Serious Nazis.

And so they launched
V-2 rockets to England.

After the attacks, von Braun says,

The rocket worked perfectly, except
for landing on the wrong planet.

His goal is to get to space,
not necessarily to destroy.

Guess what? The United
States creates this program,

called "Operation Paperclip,"
and they're like,

Let's grab all the
German scientists we can,

forgive any war crimes,
and get 'em to America

before those Russians do.

And they do just that.

Wernher von Braun has
come to El Paso, Texas,

and he's like, Finally. Let's
dig into some space exploration.

All this nonsense is over.

And the military's like,
Yeah.

That's great. Let's do it.
Only if the space program

were less satellites and more missiles.

And he's like,
Ay, Dios mio.

Then, no [bleep],
Walt Disney visits von Braun,

and he says, I don't
know if you know this,

but I'm building a new
theme park called Disneyland,

and I want you to help me build
something called Tomorrowland.

And von Braun's like,
Yeah, but can you help me with

capturing the imagination
of the American public,

to get them excited about space travel?"

And Disney's like, Two things:
Yeah, I can help you with that,

and I've got a tiny little mustache.

So they created a TV series,
called "Man in Space."

And it's a huge hit. Von Braun
is like, Hello, Americans.

This is how we will get to space.

42 million Americans watched, going,
How is this possible?

But it's gotta be
possible, 'cause it's on TV.

And so he's a national celebrity,

so much so that he's put on
the cover of "Time" magazine.

The same Wernher von Braun who
was a member of the Nazi party?

Yeah, that's the guy.

And then, in 1957, the Soviets
launch the Sputnik satellite,

and Wernher von Braun is like,
I've been trying to tell you.

We gotta get to space!

Kennedy himself makes a speech and says,

We will put a man on...

No.

Have I out-drunked Derek Waters?

"Out-drunked"? Um...

You made me full face my face.

So Kennedy says, We're going
to put a man on the Moon

by the decade's end.

And so von Braun creates
the "Saturn V" rocket,

and then, on July 16, 1969,

Wernher von Braun's
"Saturn V" gets launched.

Wernher von Braun sees that
foot step on the lunar surface,

and he's not an emotional
man, but he becomes emotional

because he was a central force in...

Bless you.

I was trying to hold it in
and it made it more disturbing.

- Sorry.
- He's a central force,

in getting man to the...

- Oh, my God.
- Excuse me.

You're ruining it.

Man sets foot...

Do you know what...
no, stop laughing.

Do you know what a deal
it is to get to the Moon?

Have you been to the Moon?

Neither have I.

Von Braun's going, I've done it.
I've put a man on the Moon!

He's paraded through
the streets as a hero.

Ah, I feel uncomfortable with that.

He's a genius, but he's not a hero.

Let me think of how to phrase this.

If there's any lasting
legacy of Wernher von Braun,

it's that he has these amazing ideas,

but then he straight up
[bleep] up and becomes a Nazi.

Like, he's a complicated mother[bleep].

- You feel safe about this?
- This thing is gonna launch,

and it's gonna be a testament
to my abilities while drunk.

Wait a second, 'cause there's a cop.
Hold on.

- Just don't be patient.
- Don't be patient?

Three, two, one.

Lift off.

Wow!
Whoa!

This is the best thing
that man's ever done.

- How high did that get?
- 400 to 500 feet,

punishable by $1,000
fine or one year in jail.

Smells like burgers.

Do you want to eat
a giant cheeseburger

- in the name of space exploration?
- Yeah!

Stay tuned for more "Drunk History."

Space!

- Who should we cheers to?
- All the 'nauts.

- To every 'naut.
- Cosmonauts and astronauts.

- All the 'nauts.
- 'Naut.

Hello, I'm Kyle Kinane.

and we're going to talk
about the first space walk.

1965!
Space race underway!

America against Russia.

So Russia, they've been
sending animals out. Poo!

But then, the U.S., they
sent a monkey up there. Pew!

And then, Russia is just like,

Who's the most maniac Russian we have?

Pavel Belyayev and Alexey Leonov.

So Russia says, Pavel, Alexey,

do you want to do some
ape-[bleep] stuff?

We'd like you to be the first
human beings to do a spacewalk.

EVA: Electorally...
Extra-Vehicular Activity.

Imagine what it's like to be
floating around in the '80s,

except this is the '60s.

And they go, What do you
got going on with your life?

- Nothing.
- Same here.

Uh, yes, yes, I'll do it.

The mission's called the Voskhod 2,
and so Russia's watching on TV.

Finally, Russia's got something awesome.

Good luck with your rock 'n' roll
and your Beach Boys!

We got this.

So the launch... it pops off, man.

The launch pops off. It's good.

And so, they're like,
We did it! We're in orbit.

Leonov pressurizes his suit,
and then leaves the airlock.

I'm floating in space!
I'm floating in space!

It's the best thing
I ever did in my life.

He's the first human
being to do something.

Everybody's watching
TV, this guy's out there,

the whole country's,
Oh! We did it! We're the best.

The First Secretary, Brezhnev, is like,
Leonov, good job.

_

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Don't worry, don't worry.

So Leonov's like, Okay, I did it.
Can I get back into this craft?

Oh, I can't even fit inside of it,

because the suit blew up too big.

He's got... filled!
It's filled!

The suit's...

Filled up. He's stuck.

He's like, Oh, I [bleep]
up this whole thing.

So they cut the feed.

They immediately cut
to Mozart's "Requiem,"

which is some depressing funeral jam.

I'm... I'm assuming right
now you'll play it, right now.

And it's just some sad [bleep].

But then, Leonov secretly real...

he can real... he can...
he found a nozzle,

so he had to...

to depressurize.

And his temperature...
his temperature spikes.

He's almost got the bends.
He nearly kills himself,

just to get back inside
to the spacecraft.

He's in!
That should be the most of it.

He's in, and then,
they can't get the hatch closed.

Like noth... like, sitcom style,

nothing's going to go
right for these guys.

Aw, [bleep].
Why am I looking at this one...

Should I be looking at anywhere else

other than this one point on the couch?

So... So anyway, they fix the hatch.
Great, fine, great.

But that throws the balance off
on the whole goddamn machine,

so they're stuck twirling around.
So Leonov says to Pavel,

Like, we gotta land
this right [bleep] now.

They're trying to figure it out.

They're trying to
calculate the trajectory

to get back, just land on Russian soil.

If we land, and we land in China,
that'll be [bleep] up,

because of... something
that Wikipedia tells us.

They twirl towards the Earth,

and then wait, whoa, whoa...
Kaboof.

We landed. Oh, man, we should
get out of this capsule.

Ah, oh, we got...
Oh, we got...

We can't get out...
We can't get out of this capsule!"

- We should blow the doors!
- How?

With these tiny explosives
we're provided with.

- Oh, good, we're out.
- Oh, where are we?

Oh, we're in the tundra.

- Oh, don't do that, don't do that.
- I know. I know how TV works.

All right, they land 2,000
kilometers off their mark,

in Siberia,
which is a real place...

in the middle of mating
season for wolves and bears.

It's below-zero
temperatures, wolves, bears,

all with just boners.

- Jesus.
- Lookin' to [bleep].

And all they can
say to each other is,

Well, I guess...
we should start...

with some sweet kisses.

Come on, man.
What... What... how much more...

- Well, what happened to them after...
- Der... Derek, don't say nothing.

- Yeah, I just want to get what...
- It's... they're in Siberia.

They're blasting flares out.
Ptoo! Ptoo!

They don't even have food,
or Sprites.

And then, after 30 hours,
they fi...

finally they got rescued.

You wouldn't even believe it.

Oh!

They're just some lunatics that
said "yes" to an experiment.

Cosmonauts, astronauts,
any kind of 'naut.

Did, yes.
The 'nauts yessed.

The 'nauts said, "Why not?"

Where da... Where da...

Where da button?
Where da button?

You're feeling like E.T. in the river.

It was the first time in my
life I've never been hungry.

Oh, God.

It's so crazy, getting
drunk with 39 people,

but nothing's made me more sick.