Drunk History (2013–…): Season 4, Episode 2 - Legends - full transcript

Sam Patch
screams out to the crowd,

"Some things can be
done as well as others."

Yeah! Sammy!

Ella Fitzgerald is like,

I don't know Marilyn Monroe.

Like, what are we saying?

But, whoa, whoa. Oh, so, so, so.

Buster...

We're gonna be big, big stars, baby.

At this point, it's just
gonna be pure garbage.

Have you ever known a legend?



I don't know, I think
it's too soon to tell.

I know a couple people in good runnings.

So legends have to be dead?

I think so, because
otherwise, then, if you're...

If you're not dead, you're a hero.

Not like those frat guys that...

"You got to meet my buddy, he's a legend."

No, that is, those are legends.

Those are true legends.

Those are today's legends.

He did, "It was legendary."

Yeah.

Two keg stands.

Gallon of jungle juice.



You're at his mom's funeral.

- Legend.
- Legend.

Hello, I'm Nick Rutherford,

and today we're gonna talk about...

Sam Patch.

The first daredevil.

It's the 1800s.

It's not even the 1900s yet,

and it's just past the 1700s.

Young Sam Patch was working in cotton mills

fourteen, 16 hours a day.

So, Sam Patch, like all
of his older coworkers,

would spend their very little break time

next to the river, watching the falls

that powered these mills.

So Sam Patch started jumping off

the top of the falls,
avoiding the deadly rocks,

landing safely in the water,

and Sam Patch
turned out to be very, very good at it.

He did it so well,
crowds started to gather.

He would, he would pass around a hat,

take, like, pennies to help
supplement his income.

So, Sam Patch wants
to do the biggest jump of his life.

And he goes to the Passaic Falls River.

Sam Patch goes to the falls,

screams out to the crowd,

"Some things can be
done as well as others."

Takes a few steps back,

runs and takes a leap into the air,

and then plunges feet first

in his trademark straight-as-an-arrow dive.

Sam Patch emerges from the water.

Waves to everybody. People lose their mind.

"That was awesome.

"That was awesome. That was sick."

All right, so Sam Patch,
on top of the world.

On top of the world. He's doing great.

So Sam Patch gets a bear.

That's, that's what you did back then.

If you got to a certain level of success,

you got a bear.

Well, what should we call the bear?

There's no record of a name
that Sam gave his bear.

But I'm 100% sure that his bear's name was

Bomzi.

Bomzi?

I feel like I can do better than Bomzi.

Don't, just don't worry about it. So...

I still think I can do better than Bomzi.

Don't worry about Bomzi.

I am. I am.

All right, move on from Bomzi
and just talk about Patch.

I mean, you can keep on telling me

what you want me to say,

but I'm gonna keep on giving you gold.

All right, so he decides...

So he gets a bear.

Oh, you want to tell the story?

No, no.

So he's doing
great, he's traveling around,

he's jumping off anything that's tall.

He would go to his jumps.

He'd bring the bear up
and then convince the bear

that he should jump first.

The bear would jump first.

And then he'd be like,
"I guess it's good for me".

Says, "Some things can be done
as well as others".

Jumps off.

Lands. Poof. People think he's dead.

Pops up, "I'm alive."

So, at this point, these
business dudes say,

"Sam, you're good at what you do.

"Come to Niagara."

"What's up in Niagara? You ask."

"Oh, I don't know. Falls.

"Come work for us."

And then Sam Patch says,

"Bingo."

October 1829.

Sam Patch is ready to jump

the biggest falls known to man,

the Niagara Falls.

Everybody was there to see Sam Patch.

Sam Patch was supposed
to show up at 1:00 p.m.

No 1:00 p.m. 2:00 p.m., he's not there.

3:00 p.m., he's not there.

4:00 p.m., on the dot.

He's like, "Hey."

"Yeah! Sammy!"

Sammy, Sammy, Sammy!

"Yeah!"

He says his Sam Patch slogan,

which is always,

"Some things can be done
better than others."

That's not it, but we, we got it already.

Takes a few steps back.

Jumps off.

Does his signature
arrow dive into the water.

- "What is this, a suicide?
- What's going on?

"Did this kid kill himself?"

And bear is at the, now he's at the shore.

High-fives him.

So, Sam Patch, the
bear, they're hanging out.

Feeling great.

"How can we top this?" they think.

This is awesome.

Some other businessmen say,

"Sammy!

"Patchy! I got a jump for you.

"Genesee River. Genesee River."

- Where?
- Genesee River.

"Sammy, Sammy, Sammy."

So Patch says, "Yeah, I'm coming."

They get to Genesee River Falls.

He gets to the top.

His friend, the bear,

hands him a flask of brandy.

He drinks all of it.

The bear's like, "Dude, that's my flask."

Takes a few steps back.

Jumps. Dives.

And then people notice

that he started to flail a little bit.

Crashed into the water at, at an angle.

People were sure he was dead.

People were positive that he was dead.

Nobody refused...

That he did not die.

There was a boat circling around.

Could not find him.

Sam Patch doesn't surface that night.

He doesn't surface the next night.

Doesn't surface the following night.

Four months later, he shows up.

Drinking at his bar with his bear.

They're playing beer pong.
Having a great time.

No, I wish that was the ending.

That is not the ending.

Months later, a farmer
goes to take his horses

to get a much-needed drink from the river.

He had to break through the ice

so his horses could get to the water.

Underneath the ice, he saw
the frozen body of Sam Patch,

just a young gentleman of 22 years old.

He was a pioneer

in dumb stunts.

He stood out.

He also was in No Doubt.

Is that what you said? No Doubt?

- He stood out.
- He stood out.

And I love No Doubt.

Don't Speak.

I know what you're saying.

I know what you're doing.

Don't tell me 'cause it's true.

Um, so, yeah, I puked once already,

before we ever started.

And, um, like a true
soldier, me and Beyoncé,

I kept drinking,

and I'm gonna make
this fucking night happen.

'Cause you're a fucking hero.

- I'm a soldier.
- Talking about two heroes.

'Cause I'm a soldier. Yes.

Let's cheers to Ella.

To Ella!

Ella Fitzgerald! My baby girl.

And my home girl, she's from Newport News,

and I'm from Virginia Beach.

Your home girl too,
Tidewater, Hampton Roads.

One more cheers.

Boom, our baby!

I didn't understand anything you just said.

Here's to our baby, Ella.

- Ella.
- Baby girl.

I think I might throw up again.

Hello.

My name is Tymberlee Hill,

and today we're gonna talk about

Ella Fitzgerald and Marilyn Monroe.

Cheers.

Ella Fitzgerald, she's the Queen of Song.

Nobody sings better than Ella Fitzgerald.

So Ella's on the Chitlin Circuit.

She's killing it everywhere.

Chitlin Circuit is for anybody
who's black that performs.

Now, let's talk about the Mocambo.

Can we really quickly?

The Mocambo is a place, where

fucking Frank Sinatra debuted in the '40s.

This is a place where Lana Turner,

Charlie Chaplin, Cary Grant.

This was the hot spot,
and you couldn't do it bigger.

Except, they do not want to let her in,

and they're like,
"She's too black.

"She's too chubby.

"She's too ugly."

Ah, shit, and fucking and all
kinds of shit and piss.

- You want to clean that?
- Oh, that's okay, I, um,

Scotchgard.

I scotchgard like a motherfucker.

I can keep it going. I can keep it going.

What was the last thing that she said?

The last thing, oh, oh, okay.

Oh, so, so, so.

Marilyn Monroe, she's huge.

People didn't get it, and they were like,

"Can't you just be
our hot thing with no clothes on,

"with the dress
blowing up that we love so much?"

And she was like,
"No, I can't. I want to do

"some real acting."

So, Marilyn Monroe goes in
to her voice teacher.

She says, "I want to be a triple threat.

"I want to do everything.

"I'm taking this class in acting,

"I'm doing these dancing classes,

"You're my man for the voice."

Her voice coach says,

"If you want to learn how to sing,

"buy Ella Fitzgerald's album."

She gets this record.

She lays down on the floor

and listens to this
record 100 times in a row.

She goes, "This is the
most astonishing voice

"I've ever heard in my life."

She calls the Mocambo, and they're like,

"Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

"Marilyn Monroe, what the fuck?"

And she's like, "Bring it all down.

"If you let my favorite,
my favorite baby girl

"jump on stage and sing her songs,

"I will show up, and I will sit in the...

"And I will sit in the
front row of the audience

"every single night,

"and you can take
as many pictures of me as you want."

I'm sorry.

- You're very excited.
- I am, I love these two,

and I've known this story forever.

Ella Fitzgerald, she gets a phone call,

and they're saying,

"We would love to have you at the Mocambo."

"But, what?

"Like, what the fuck are we
talking about right now?"

He's like, "Somebody made a phone call.

"Somebody named Marilyn Monroe.

"Boom!"

So she's like, "Marilyn,
I don't know Marilyn Monroe.

"Like, what are we saying?"

You know, like, she didn't...

- Know anything about that.
- You okay?

Yes, I just have weird hiccups

and a lot of catched breaths.

Ella shows up at the Mocambo,

and Marilyn takes a front-row center table.

The lights go down.

Ella walks out onto the stage, and then,

"Boom!"

It comes out of her voice.

Ah-scooby-dooby-dooby-dah

And then people are a-going crazy.

And one person is like,
"I didn't even know music

"could sound like that."

And then Marilyn was like,
"I've heard these songs before.

"But I never heard them."

"What is going on right now?

"Like, I can't even understand my own mind.

"That is a human voice singing to us."

And Marilyn, true to her word,

shows up every single night,

and she sits in the front row.

One night, after Ella performed, um,

Marilyn came backstage.

So, so, um, it's just two girls

talking about what real life is like.

Marilyn is like, "Ugh, you
know, I'm a fucking orphan."

And, uh, what's her name?

Ella is like, "I'm a fucking orphan too."

Then Marilyn's like, "I had two marriages,"

and Ella's like, "Oh, my God,
I was married to somebody

"when I was really young, and
then I married another guy."

And then Marilyn was like,
"I cannot be accepted

"in this business because
of the way that I look."

And Ella's like, "I cannot be accepted

"in this business
because of the way that I look!"

And these two women,
they literally need each other.

Because Marilyn Maloa...
Mon... Meh...

Marilyn Mon...

Marilyn Mano...

Roe...

Maroe, Maroe.

Marilyn...

In this moment, that Marilyn helps Ella,

she frees them both.

The fact is, sometimes, sisters

- have to hook each other up.
- Mmm-hmm.

And when Marilyn passes away,

because they stayed friends,

Ella Fitzgerald said,

"I owe Marilyn a great debt.

"After she personally called

"the managers of the Mocambo room

"and allowed me to play there,

"I was never, ever,
ever, ever again in my life

"relegated to a small club."

She says, "Marilyn was extraordinary

"and ahead of her time."

She loved that lady.

I got to say, here's to people
who know when to shut their damn mouths.

Less talking, more texting.

Why are you talking?

Let's try it again.

Maybe you didn't hear me.

I said, "Here's to people who know

"when to shut their damn mouths."

Then you're like...

Okay, do it one more time.

I'll keep my mouth shut.

Here's to people who know when
to shut their damn mouths.

Could this ice make a little more noise?

- It sounds good.
- All right.

Hello, I'm Patrick Walsh, and
today we're gonna be talking

about the life of Buster Keaton.

Buster Keaton was born to a family

of vaudeville performers,
who toured the country

with legendary magician, Harry Houdini.

Buster was actually born Joseph Keaton,

but when he was 18 months old,

he fell down a flight of stairs

and Houdini picked him up,
inspected him, and said,

"We should call him Buster,

"" cause he's a real Buster.

"He can take a lot of shit."

And his parents laughed, they were like,

"We should call him Buster!

"That's a great idea,

"famed magician, Harry Houdini."

And in fact, they would
say, "Step right up,

"come see the little boy
who could not be damaged."

His father would throw his son into walls,

into the orchestra pit, into the audience.

And Buster loved it.

He was always fine. He had no marks.

He knew how to take a fall.

Could take a lot of abuse.

In a fun way.

Buster learned that he got
bigger laughs if he would

maintain a completely
stone-faced expression.

They started referring to him
as, The Great Stone Face,

which was his nickname, really,

up until the end of his career.

So, with all this knowledge

of, like, what people found funny

that he had gained
from his time in vaudeville,

he started doing these short films,

and they were extremely popular.

Buster had a big
admirer in Charlie Chaplin,

who was
the biggest silent film star of all time.

Chaplin, while touring the country with

Douglas Fairbanks, Mary Pickford,
and D. W. Griffith,

Chaplin was basically like,
"Guys, we could sort of make

"our own artist-run movie studio,

"and we could have
complete creative control

"over the projects we make,

"and other artists might want to come to us

"to enjoy that creative freedom."

And D. W. Griffith said,
"You know, that's awesome,

"because we can
keep black people out as well."

And they all, you know, looked
at him a little strange.

They weren't quite sure
what he meant by that,

and he said, "You know,
we could tell more stories

"about how the Ku Klux Klan came to power

"and how they are
the most glorious organization

"in America's history."

And they were like,

"Yeah, or we could, you know,
do other kind of fun stuff

"and kind of more creative stuff..."

And he's like, "No, but the Ku Klux Klan!

"You know, I want to make all my,

"my sweet, sweet Ku Klux Klan movies."

And they were like,
"Maybe we should quit

"hanging out with D. W."

And he was like, "Guys, come on.

"Ku Klux Klan? Right?

"You guys love it. I love it.

"America loves it."

He was a racist, D.W Griffith.

They decide they're gonna
form United Artists,

and Chaplin goes to his friend
Buster Keaton, and he goes,

"You got a vision, you're creative,

"you should come do movies for us.

"You can do what you want to do,
we won't bother you,

"you'll have creative control."

Buster Keaton responded with a hearty nod.

"Buster, we're gonna
be big, big stars, baby."

And he embarked on, from 1920 to 1929,

the greatest run of filmmaking
in the history of movies.

Buster had complete creative control.

He was making these amazing movies

with these amazing stunts.

So, at the end of the 1920s,

Buster Keaton was doing very well

critically and commercially,

but he gets an offer
from MGM, and they're saying,

"We'll pay you a lot of money

"to make movies here at MGM."

Charlie Chaplin goes, "Buster, baby...

"You're making a big mistake here.

"They're not gonna give you
the creative freedom

"that we gave you here at United Artists.

"I know you want the more money.

"I know you want to impress your wife.

"You can't do it."

So he decides to sacrifice

his creative control and freedom,

and he went to MGM,
and almost immediately,

he realized he had made a huge mistake.

I don't even know
where I, where I left off.

It's okay.

At this point, it's just
gonna be pure garbage.

And that's okay.

- Okay.
- There is no garbage here.

Okay.

So MGM interfered
with every project he had.

He went completely bankrupt.

His wife divorced him,

and he became an extreme alcoholic,

so MGM terminated his contract.

1932 to 1934 is the lowest
point of Buster Keaton's life.

Things got so bad for Buster
with the drinking,

they eventually put him in a sanitarium,

like, an insane asylum.

And, as was not uncommon at this time,

they put him in a straitjacket,

because they figured that's
the only way they can cure

a true alcoholic of drinking.

But little did they know,

his early mentor was Harry Houdini,

who had taught Buster how
to get out of straitjackets.

So they put him in a straitjacket.

Within about five minutes,
Buster's able to get out.

He breaks free of the sanitarium,

and he's out on his own.

Eventually he learned,
if he wanted to cure himself

of drinking, he was gonna
have to do it by himself.

What he decides to do
is to go to a small house

with nothing in it and just sit in a chair,

clenching onto the arms of the chair

and biting on his tongue and went through

all the withdrawal symptoms you do.

You know, he's having
hallucinations, saying,

"Come on, Buster, like,
you can get through this,

"you can beat this."

And eventually he does.

He comes out on the other side,

uh, free and clear.

He no longer wants to be drunk all day.

And he's able to go back to
MGM and get his career back.

And in 1960, he won
a lifetime achievement award.

Buster was like, "Look, I know people think

"that my life was probably pretty shitty.

"The fact of the matter
is, my life was great.

"I got way more things
than I ever expected to get.

"My life was way better
than I ever expected it to be.

"So when things got kind of shitty,

"I was kind of like, all right,

"I expect there to be a balance
of good and shit,

"and you got to treat both like, okay...

"All right.

"Take the good with the bad,

"you take the good, you take the bad,

"you take 'em both, and there you have

"the facts of life."

He was a big Charlotte Rae fan.

A lot of comments have hurt
my feelings on Vine.

The most bizarrely hurtful one

was, this guy tagged
his friend, and he goes, uh,

"OMG, this guy has the exact same

"eyelid problem as you."