Drunk History (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 3 - New Orleans - full transcript

Jean Lafitte, he was just
a really badass pirate.

Stabbing in weird, fun new ways.

Fucking pirates are fucking good
at fighting and stuff

is my fucking point, man.

Sam the Banana Man,

he is Al Pacino, Scarface style,

but instead of cocaine, bananas.

Louis Armstrong was born in the brothels

where all the jazz music was playing.

He was like,
"I want to play that music."

You're drunk.



- I'm drunk!
- Ah!

We live in the color portion
of The Wizard of Oz,

and everybody else is in
the black-and-white section.

It's all Technicolor here.

New Orleans is so fucking American
compared to everywhere else.

You can't do the shit
that you do in New Orleans

everywhere else in the United States.

You can't do it.

Our entire history's drunk history.

We have a street right here
named after booze.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, no.



Hello.

Today we're gonna talk
about the pirate Jean Lafitte.

Our story starts
in the early 1800s.

The economy is very bad.

So the smugglers in New Orleans
were these pirates,

and the leader of the pirates,
Jean Lafitte,

was operating a major spuggle...

Ooh, spuggling ring?

So Jean Lafitte was operating
a majorlur...

Oh, no, no, no.

Okay, okay.

He was very smooth and suave.

He was just a really badass pirate.

Governor Claiborne of Louisiana
was not happy about it.

"I'm putting a $500 bounty
on Jean Lafitte's head.

"Not his head.
I don't want you to bring me his head.

"I want you to bring him in alive.

"But seriously...

"I'll give you $500 if you capture him
and bring him in, okay?"

So, at this point, the War of 1812 is...

happening now.

There are British ships just off
the coast of New Orleans.

King George III sends a letter saying,

"Dear Jean Lafitte,
I'm gonna attack New Orleans.

"I'd love for you to be a part of this.

"In exchange, we will make you
a captain of the British Navy."

Lafitte says,

"I need a little time
to think about this."

When he knows,

"I'm not going to fight against America."

Because he loves America.

And then Claiborne's men show up
and arrest Jean Lafitte.

"We caught you red-handed, Jean Lafitte.

"You're arrested.
We're going to arrest you."

Jean Lafitte surrenders.
He's like, "Okay, you got me."

He gets put in jail.

So Jean Lafitte writes
a letter to Andrew Jackson.

He's fighting the fuck
out of the British already.

"Dear Andrew Jackson,

"here's all the battle plans
that King of England gave me.

"Maybe you could free me
and pardon me of all my crimes.

"Nobody can defend New Orleans
better than we can."

Major General Andrew Jackson,
he's like,

"Who is this pirate

"writing a letter to me?

"Pirates are to be hung.

"I'm not going to fight
alongside a pirate.

"I'm here fighting the South...

"I'm fighting..." Oh, fuck.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm gonna do this right.

"I'm not about to help you.

"I'm gonna head to New Orleans
and protect it myself."

Andrew Jackson arrives in New Orleans.

He's like, "I've been shot.

"I have dysentery,
which is the worst category of diarrhea

"that you can imagine.

"No big deal. I'll shit
on my fucking horse all day long."

His horse is like, "Huh?

"Okay, fine, you shit on me.

"I'm an American horse."

You know what I mean?

"But don't let my pooping disease

"make you think that I'm not
gonna defeat the British,

""cause I fucking am."

Andrew Jackson takes a look
at everybody.

He's like, "There's really not
any fighters here.

"What do we got, some nuns?

"And we got a couple
of business guys over here?

"I don't even know what to do here."

And they're like, "Hey,

"Major General Andrew Jackson,

"there is that pirate Jean Lafitte
that's, like, interested in helping you."

"Oh, yeah, well, okay.

"Yeah, here we go, yeah.

"All right, fuck it. I'll talk to him."

Jean Lafitte finally gets his chance
to talk to Andrew Jackson.

He says, "Listen, I've sent you
the letters, buddy.

"I'm telling you, I got the goods.

"I got the ammunition, I got the weapons,

"I got the men.

"You need me,

"and you're not admitting it
to yourself."

And Andrew Jackson's like,

"I do need help from pirates.

"I'm fucking fucked up.

"I've got diarrhea.

"I don't want everybody to know

"that I'm asking for a pirate's
help right now. But please, join me."

"Okay, it's our little secret."

Wink.

And Andrew Jackson said,

"You're my guy. Let's party."

So there were 4,000 Americans
versus, like, 10,000 British.

And yet, the British were not prepared

for Andrew Jackson and Jean Lafitte.

And they just started wailing on them.

The pirates are amazing fighters.

They're doing stuff like,

shoot 'em from different weird angles,

coming out of surprise traps,

stabbing in weird, fun new ways.

And at one point,

the British military commander
says to Andrew Jackson,

"Hey, you guys are being very rude."

And Andrew Jackson says,

"We're trying to get you out of America.

"We're not playing by your little rules."

Arrow, arrow, arrow, arrow, arrow.

You know?

Yeah, not an arrow.

Probably with a gun, a "masket."

Musket.

Ooh, God.

They won the Battle of New Orleans.

And Andrew Jackson's looking at the area

and he's seeing all these dead Redcoats,

just like, "Whew.

"We really did a number on these guys.

"We really...

"Uh, these guys...

"You know, we really killed
a lot of them."

Andrew Jackson's like,

"Hey, everyone,
I had diarrhea, but we did it.

"We won, because you fought so hard,

"and you were so awesome out there.

"And so don't even worry
about all your crimes.

"I'm gonna pardon you."

Lafitte says,

"Thank you, Andrew Jackson.

"All I wanted to do

"was to show everybody
that pirates are all right

"and that we can be true Americans."

"Go be a pirate elsewhere.

"Come on, get out of here.
Get out of New Orleans, guys.

"You crazy kids."

But, but, but, but...

But, um...

God damn it,
I felt like this shit...

The fucking point is that

fucking pirates are fucking good
at fighting and stuff,

is my fucking point, man.

Stay tuned

for new Drunken History

from fucking pirates, New Orleans.

- Is there whiskey in that?
- Yeah.

Ha-ha. I'll have that.

In New Orleans,
we enjoy eating down here,

whether it's red beans and rice,
po'boys, shrimp.

I can be as fat as I want down here.

Nobody gives a shit
down here about that.

We just eat.

There's
nothing like gin and tonic and bananas.

- That is a good combo.
- This is like chocolate and peanut butter.

You know what? Is this a thing?

Could be.

Not as good.

No.

Not as good.

Look at this.
Lime, get... I hate you.

Hey, you guys.

Oh, boy.

I'm Gloria Calderon Kellett.

Or Glor... I should do it again.

No, just keep going.

I'm Gloria Calderon Kellett.

Never been more Latina.

And I'm gonna tell you

about
Sam "the Banana Man" Zemurray.

So it's 1891.

Sam Zemurray's 14 years old.

He's a Russian Jew, very poor.

Has no formal education.

And he steps off the boat
with his parents,

and he's like, "Yeah, America.

"Let's make this happen,
American-style."

And one day, there's, like,
a traveling salesman

peddling exotic wares.

And he's like, "Excuse me, sir,

"what is this penis-looking thing?"

And the peddler says,

"Oh, that is a banana."

And Sam's like, "What is it?"

"Oh, it is a fruit."

He's like, "What?"

And he tries this banana,
and it's delicious.

And he's like, "I want...

"I want everyone in the world

"to taste what's
in my mouth right now."

Oh, you dropped your...

Oh, my banana dropped!

So he goes to where
the banana boats come in.

They sort, like, about to be ripe,

ripe, over-ripe.

All the ripe bananas are thrown
into the ocean.

And he goes up to them,
and he's like,

"You guys, what are you doing?

"These are delicious ripe bananas."

And they're like, "Oh, man, this...

"We'd love to not throw them away,

"" cause you're right,
they are delicious.

"However, by the time
they get to where they're going,

"they're gonna be rotten.
It's super sad."

- Aw.
- Yeah.

So he gets this idea.

"Why don't I buy
those ripes off of you?"

And they're like, "All right."

And then he rents a boxcar

on the Illinois Central train,

and then at every stop,
he's like, "What is up?"

And all the grocers are like,

"We're here, and we want
to buy your bananas, sir!"

He's like, "I have nothing
but awesome bananas to sell you,

"right here from my, zoop,
from my boxcar."

Some people don't know
what the hell they are.

"Ooh, that looks a little bit weird."

And they try it,
and they're like, "Holy shit.

"This is bananas."

He's like, "Exactly. You're welcome."

He's selling bananas left and right.

Left and right, bananas.

And that first trip, he makes 40 bucks,

which is so much money
at that time.

That's amazing, how bananas were so...

Forgot the word I wanted to use.

Anyway...

So he does this again and again and again.

And by the time he's 21 years old,

Sam, who's now known
as Sam the Banana Man,

has made $100,000.

Is that enough for Sammy Z?

It is not. He wants more, Derek.

So it dawns on him.

"Wait a minute.
I could just do this all myself.

"I'm gonna go to Honduras."

And in 1910, he's, like,
along the Cuyamel River,

and he's like, "I'm gonna start
the Cuyamel Fruit Company.

"I'm gonna buy a ton of land,
buy some ships,

"and I'm gonna plant bananas

"And I'm gonna, like,
build a railroad line,

"and I'm gonna get,
like, talk to the authorities

"and be like, 'Hey, authorities,

""is it cool if you totally
don't tax me a lot?""

"Okay."

"And it's gonna be amazing."

So he is controlling his own supply.

He's getting his tax breaks.

Everything is awesome.

He's, like, the richest guy
in New Orleans.

He can do anything he wants.

He is Al Pacino, Scarface style,

but instead of, like, cocaine, bananas.

But someone's like, "Knock-knock,

"sorry to bust in on your big party.

"But, hey, know that place Honduras
that's making you all this money?

"There's a problem."

And he's like, "What?"

"They owe the British a lot of money.

"They're taxing everything,
including your bananas."

Sam's like, "Uh-oh, what do I do?

"What do I do? Hold on, hold on. What?

"The former exiled president of Honduras

"lives in New Orleans?

"Amazing."

So he finds Manuel Bonilla,

the former exiled president of Honduras.

And he's like, "What's up?

"Banana Man, maybe you've heard of me.

"How would you like to be
president of your country again?"

And Manuel Bonilla's like,
"Oh, let me think about it.

"Yes."

"If I, like, help you be president again,

"you're totally gonna be, like,
cool with taxes and stuff?"

"Yes, totally."

So Bonilla says,

"If we're gonna do this,
I need my dudes."

And in walks Lee Christmas
and Guy "Machine Gun" Molony.

And these guys are bad MFs.

And I'm talking about motherfuckers

if you didn't know what MFs meant.

So Lee Christmas
and Machine Gun Molony

are like, "All right, we got
to get together an army."

So he goes, and he finds

the lowest, filthiest, scummiest fuckers.

"Oh, what's up, saloons?

"What's up, brothels?

"Stop fucking prostitutes
for a second and listen up.

"Hey, help me change the world
and create a coup in Honduras."

And he gathers them up
to go on this mission.

So Sam Zemurray secretly buys
all of these ships and guns

from the US military.

They get off the boat, and they're like,
"Oh, what's up, Honduras?

"Sorry, we're about to take you over."

The government of Honduras is like,
"Oh, uh..."

"Oh, we're dead.

"We're on the ground, dead.

"Ugh, that's what happens."

And they take over
the government of Honduras.

And Bonilla, they put him back in power.

Sam says, "Hey, we're cool
with the tax thing?"

Bonilla's, like,
"Yeah, man, it's all good."

This is how, like, the phrase
"banana republics" is started, right?

So this coup is successful.

Sam Zemurray fills the US with bananas.

It becomes the Chiquita Banana Company.

Like, yeah, did he do some bad shit?
He did.

But we have him to thank
for amazing, delicious bananas,

and banana republics.

Not just an awesome clothing chain.

A place where a lot of people
died for bananas.

Thanks, dead people?

Will you look into Tom's camera

and say, "Stay tuned for more
Drunk History in New Orleans"?

Add whatever you guys want
at the end of that.

Stay tuned for
more Drunk History in...

Okay.

When I play, I think
about Louis Armstrong,

all of those cats
that came before me.

I want to move people like he moves me.

Oh, my goodness, he moves me.

And he dealt with a lot of adversity.

I deal with a lot of adversity.

So, yeah.

I figured we'd make something
that was a New Orleans tradition,

so we're gonna do the Sazerac.

This is absinthe. You might hallucinate
a little bit tonight.

Mmm, shake it up.

Shake it, shake it.

♪ What a wonderful drink ♪

Hello, I'm Daryl Johnson.

And today we're gonna talk
about Louis Armstrong,

and the people that made Louis

the Louis Armstrong we know today.

Louis Armstrong grew up

in the roughest and poorest
part of New Orleans.

He'd be like...

♪ I'm gonna sing for some money ♪

When people would throw
pennies at him,

he would pick up the pennies
and throw them in his mouth

so that the big kids
wouldn't take them from him.

And that's how he got
his first nickname, Satchmo.

You take all the coins
and put them in your mouth

like a satchel, satch-mouth.

His mom works as an
off-and-on-again prostitute

in the brothels where
all the jazz music was playing,

so Louis would be like,
"Hey, girl, can I listen real quick

"to the band that's playing
on the other side of this wall?"

And so he would listen
to the Kid Ory Band

and King Joe Oliver.

The baddest cornetist in town.

Couldn't nobody touch King Oliver.

And little Louis was listening
through those walls

and was like,
"That's what I want to do.

"I want to play that music.

"Whew."

Ah!

It's burning
the inside of my body!

Okay, so, one day

a Jewish coal merchant,
Bernhardt Karnofsky,

saw little Louis at the brothels and said,

"Hey, little kid, I can give you a job

"if you work for me delivering
coal to the prostitutes.

"Come into our family.
We're gonna feed you

"and treat you like one of our own."

Mrs. Karnofsky would sing
little Jewish lullabies

to Louis as a young boy,
and it'd be like...

♪ Baruch atah... ♪

No, wait. No, that's the prayer.

The lullaby would probably be like...

♪ We're Jewish, and we love it ♪

That's, like, nice, right?

That's perfect.

So, at 7 years old,
he's working for the Karnofskys.

On the truck, he used to
play a horn, like...

"We're comin'."

And they were driving
past this pawnshop,

and in the window of this pawnshop
was this old, beat-up cornet,

and he was like, "I want that."

Little Louis asked Karnofsky,

"Do you think you can
advance me the $5

"to buy that cornet?"

He said, "Of course I can
loan you the $5."

And it was a piece of junk,
but it was his piece of junk.

He used to polish it. He was like...

'Cause he wasn't really that good yet.

But he would say,

"I'm gonna be the best cornetist
in all Louisiana."

And wore a Star of David
for the rest of his life

to commemorate how much
the Karnofsky family meant to him.

That was way before

all these celebrities today
made it popular

to just go grab a little
black kid off the street.

So he's out one night,

and he decides
to shoot a gun into the air

to celebrate New Year's.
The police was like,

"Mmm-mmm.
You can't be a little black kid

"in New Orleans shooting a gun in the air.
We gonna arrest you."

He got taken to the New Orleans
Home for Colored Waifs.

It sounds racist.

It's... I'm sure
it was pretty racist.

This is, we're, like, talking 1913.

And that's when he meets Pete Davis,
the musical instructure...

Musical instructor.

Pete Davis taught him
how to read music

and how to play technically.

And he's like,
"You're gonna be the best...

"The best damn horn player
in New Orleans."

And so, a couple years later,
when he gets out,

he's playing in
all these, like, seedy bars.

Everybody in New Orleans was like,
"Hey, that's little Louis Armstrong."

- He used to make the horn talk.
- Is that what they said?

It's what it sounded like.

♪ Go get you a prostitute

♪ Get you some whiskey

♪ And have a good time, ha ♪

And one day, his idol, King Joe Oliver,

heard him play,
and he was like, "Man, this kid's good."

Oh, shit.

Oh, there's another one.

I told you,
Sazeracs do something special.

All right. And what am I doing now?

Tell me the story.

Starting the story
from over the beginning.

No, no, for real, Daryl,
tell me about Louis Armstrong.

Hey, let's be honest.
We've been through a lot.

All right.

It was King Oliver
who taught him how to perform.

So they used to march
all around town,

in parades, marching bands,

and that's how Louis got his soul.

Papa Joe would be like,

"If you heard the crowd
getting into the music,

"give them a little bit more, right?

"So if you was like,

"Just throw more notes."

And little Louis was like, "Sure.

"I'm drunk as shit.
I'll do whatever you want."

I'm so drunk.

What you want now?

What was I talking about?

We were talking about Louis Armstrong.

So, to be honest,
he was playing better than Papa Joe.

Louis became the number one
cornetist in New Orleans.

And everybody was like,
"Man, this Louis Armstrong is good."

And that's when he blew up.

- Cheers.
- Louis Armstrong.

- To Louis.
- To Louis.

Without that love
that he was given, he might...

He might not be the
Louis Armstrong we know today.

Always remember where you got that,
that inspiration from.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Louis.

Louis Armstrong was the greatest.

Ooh, okay, do it slow.

You want me to crack your back?

Yeah, okay, but do it slow.

You want to crack... You're drunk.

- I'm drunk!
- Oh!

- What is that?
- It's an apron.

Are we cooking, or what?

That's Allan.

I just want to tell the story right.

Oh!

Why do you have to make this
such a sexual thing?