Drunk History (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Miami - full transcript

Clark Gable flying over Nazi Germany.

He's like...

Ponce de Leon is like,

I can't witness my people

just being, like,
totally treated shittily like this.

The murder rate
has tripled overnight,

and most of it are people that Griselda
is murdering or having murdered.

I can't see you, by the way.

I can see two of you.

People know Miami as the beach

and the glitz and the glamour
and the superficiality,



but that's a very small part of Miami.

It is tough growing up in Miami

when you're not,
like, traditionally pretty,

but a lot of people pay
to have that fixed anyway.

Like, that's... That's really common.

You're like, "Oh! Happy Bar Mitzvah.
I love your new nose!"

Beaches, bitches... Can I say bitches?

Miami's just a dope place to be.

- To Miami.
- To Miami.

He's in a moment.

He's at Shakespeare in the Park, '98.

- You ready?
- All the world's a stage!

Hi, I'm Greg Worswick,

and I'm here to tell you about
Private Clark Gable.



So it's the 1930s, and Clark Gable is like

the most famous movie star in America.

He's like, "I am so famous.

"I have these eyebrows and this mustache.

"They're crazy."

He marries Carole Lombard,
who's his new love.

She's like the Goldie Hawn of...

Of Paramount Movies in the '30s.

He's like, "She is my soul mate."

Then, World War II starts.

Yeah.

Big... Gulp.

They start getting
involved in the war effort.

And so Clark's like, "Yes,

"I will lend my face to some brochures,

"in a sort of fun pose

"where I'm just saying, 'Hey.""

Carole is so, so invested,

and she goes to Indiana.

She sells over $2 million in war bonds.

She breaks records.

Nobody has ever made that before.

Carole is like,

"I am really raising money for this war."

And she telegrams him one night,
and she says,

"You better get yourself

"into this man's army."

And so Clark is like,

"Well, okay, I'm a movie star.

"I'm fucking Brett Butler."

Not Brett Butler.

I'm Rhett Butler in Gone With The Wind.

"I won an Oscar. I'm,
like, doing pretty good.

"Sure."

The next day, Carole gets on this plane.

She's coming back home
to Hollywood from Indianapolis.

Her plane goes down. She dies.

Clark is, like, devastated.

He's like, "No!"

And then he starts thinking
about those last words,

that siren's call to him that's like,

"You better get yourself

"into this man's army."

And he thinks, "Okay, this is the best way

"that I can honor my wife's last request,

"is that I should get
involved with the war."

And so he enlists,

so they ship him
from Hollywood to Miami and...

- Yeah, Miami.
- Yes.

Miami has been transformed

into this American boot camp for the army.

So he gets there, he's being
hounded by the paparazzi,

and he says, "Okay, stop, stop, stop...

"I... will grant you this.

"I will shave off my mustache

"in front of your cameras

"if you promise to leave
me alone after that."

He shaved off his mustache,
and then that was his last,

like, movie star thing for a while.

And he takes all these
tests, and that's it.

And then... And then they're like,
"You graduated."

So he says, "Okay, look, you know what?

"I want to be in combat.

"I want to be doing the combat missions."

And they're like, "Clark, we don't know.

"This is, uh, kind of a lot for you.

"You're a famous actor.

"We feel like we should
probably keep you safe."

"No! I want to be a person in combat."

In January 1943, he's sent to England.

He's flying over Nazi Germany,

and gunfire ricocheted
off Clark Gable's boot,

narrowly missing an inch of his head.

He's like, "No!

"That was close."

Word of that gets back
to MGM president Louis B. Mayer,

who is like, "Okay, uh,

"Dead actors are of no use to us.

"You need to bring him
back to America, stat.

"We need him here unscathed."

And he's like, "No, I can do it.

"I'm a regular guy. It's fine."

And he demands that he keeps going

on 23, 24, 25 more missions.

And that's why I love you, kid.

Did you get taken a bit back
when I called you kid?

You forget
what generation you're in, kid?

I sure did, kid.

I spilled so much
bourbon on this chair.

So he comes back from Europe, and they say,

"Clark, thank you so much

"for serving in the military.

"We would like to offer you the Air Medal

"and the distinguished Flying Cross

"for your efforts in World War II!"

And on January 15, 1944, they invite him

to the christening of
the SS. Carole Lombard.

He said...

"Wow.

"This really has put a bookend on my time

"in the...

"Military.

"Thank you."

You guys.

What?

I don't know.

I just had a lot of fun.
I hope you did, too.

- I am from France originally.
- Okay.

But I've been here
for quite a while now, you know?

And you still love New York.

I never actually...
Never been to New York, you know?

You'll be all right, man...

Look at me!

Oh, yeah!

- All right. I guess you did that.
- Mmm!

Well, you have a drop.

Hi, I'm Jessica Meraz,

and today we're going to be talking
about Juan Ponce de Leon.

Or as white people call him,

"Ponce de Leon."

Juan Ponce de Leon
is a Spanish explorer.

King Ferdinand is like,

"You know what, Ponce? I dig you.

"You've done a really great job,
and in honor of your service to Spain,

"I'm going to send you over to Puerto Rico
to be the governor."

So Ponce de Leon's like, "Okay, cool."

He goes to Puerto Rico,
and he sees the people.

He's like, "Love you. You guys are cool."

Sees the land, he's like,

"Oh, my God, it's bountiful,

"and it's awesome."

So...

It's kicking in.

Okay, so, back in Spain, bom, bom, bom,

Diego Columbus is there.

He's Christopher Columbus' eldest son,

and he is like rich kid,
dick face. And he's like,

"You know what, King Ferdinand?

"You owe me shit.

"You told my dad
that he's supposed to have control

"over all the West Indies
and everything that he explored."

And the king is like, "Fuck you.

"My man Ponce, who is, like, a good dude,

"is taking care of Puerto Rico.

"I don't care who your dad is,
but, like, shut the fuck up."

So he goes, and he finds the king's cousin.

Her name was Maria Alvarez... de Toledo.

Wait, give it to me again.

Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

Wait, that's so fast.

Maria Alvarez de Toledo.

Wait, one at time.

- Maria.
- Ma... Oh, Maria.

- Alvarez.
- Alvarez.

- De.
- De.

- Toledo.
- Toledo?

Okay. Mmm.

So he seduces this chick and marries her

and basically blackmails the king,

and he's like, "You know what,
King Ferdinand?

"Make me the viceroy
of the entire West Indies...

"Which includes Puerto Rico...
And the governor of Hispaniola,

"which is the island
just west of Puerto Rico."

And King Ferdinand has no... No choice.

His hands are tied.

So in 1509, Diego Columbus
goes over to Hispaniola,

plunders all the resources, is a huge dick,

brings over a slew of white chicks
from... From Spain.

He's like, "Ah, for my Spanish...

"For my Spanish conquistador

"fellow army men, like, 'Ah, ' you know?

"Take your pick. You can...

"With whatever chick you want to."

And his buddies Juan Ceron
and Miguel Diaz are over.

And he's like...

What did he just say?

Let's have some drinks.
Let's have a good time.

- Let's party, man.
- Very cool.

So they go, and he's like,

"Yeah, party island!"

And he turns Hispaniola into,
like, a frat-boy party.

Whoo!

So he's like, "You know what,

"You guys, go over there.
Take over Puerto Rico.

"It's supposed to be mine, anyway.

"Fuck Ponce de Leon."

So he's doing whatever he wants
over in Hispaniola,

while just one island over in Puerto Rico,

Ponce de Leon is, like,
skipping around with the people.

He's like, "Hey, what's up?"

And they're like, "Hey, Ponce!"

Ceron and Diaz go over to Puerto Rico

and kick Ponce de Leon
out of power and are like,

"We're in charge now."

They're barbaric.

They're enslaving the people,
being super douches.

So Ponce de Leon is like,

"I can't witness my people just being, like

"totally treated shittily like this."

So he gathers up some of
his Spanish men, and he's like,

"You know what,
let's fucking chain these fuckers

"and send them back to Spain."

And King Ferdinand is like,

"What the fuck are you doing?

"I get it. These guys are assholes, but...

"You don't have the power to do that."

So Juan Ceron and Miguel Diaz are...
Go back to Puerto Rico.

And Ponce de Leon's like,

"King Ferdinand, fine.

"If I can't have Puerto Rico,
there's this other island

"to the north, west a little bit,
that is just as full of gold,

"and the land is just as bountiful."

And he says, "Okay, go do your thing."

So Ponce de Leon is
like, "All right, sweet."

So it takes him a couple of months,

and he gets together a ship
and a group of Spaniards.

In 1513, he sets sail
in the wide open waters

of the Atlantic Ocean
for this mystery island.

A month later he sees land.

As he sees it, he realizes, "You know what?

"Christopher Columbus has never been here.

"I'm the first non-native
to come across this land.

"And not just that...

"Hmm."

I lost it.

So he shows up, and he's like,

"Oh, my God, I'm the first non-indigenous
person to show up on this land."

Sets down the Spanish flag,
unrolls it, and is like,

"I hereby proclaim

"this land as being Spanish.

"And I call it...

"La Florida."

And there he's left
to make this land his own...

Till the end of time.

Fucking history.

Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Whoo!

Where's that gator?

Yeah, I don't know where he went.

I can see why
all the murder mysteries have stories

about people dropping bodies
in here, though.

Yeah, I'm still trying
to find my first wife.

No.

As a host of Drunk History,
I'm saying, all right,

now you match me. Let's just chug this.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Hey.

Hello.

Hello, I'm Dan Harmon,
and today I'd like to tell you

the story of Griselda Blanco,

the godmother of cocaine.

So Griselda Blanco marries Alberto Bravo,

a cocaine dealer from the Medellin cartel.

And Griselda loves him, they get married,

and "We're gonna pursue the American dream

"and go to America."

They, uh, they bring cocaine to New York.

Ka-boom!

Welcome to 1970s America,

where everyone is on cocaine.

Athletes, police, meter maids, your uncle.

Everyone's on cocaine is my point.

So many people are on cocaine,

the NYPD and DEA form a task force.

You gotta stop this fucking cocaine.

Hey, Bob Palombo,
head of the new DEA task force,

Operation Banshee,

stop this cocaine!

Bob Palombo goes, "Okay, I'm on it.

"Let's do it. I'm gonna do it.

"I got my shoulder holster. I got my badge.

"I got my cocaine training.

"I'm gonna go bust some cocaine people."

He goes out.

Alberto Bravo fucking bails on his wife.

He leaves Griselda high and dry.

She opens the books and realizes,

"Holy shit,

"This fucking guy that I trusted,
exchanged vows with,

"he stole millions from me
and then bailed on me."

She calls her husband.

"Hey... Ass-master."

"Could we... Hook up,

"talk about the elephants
in the various rooms?"

- Let's chug this.
- Chug this?

- Yeah! Come on.
- Okay.

We're in Miami.

I mean, that's gonna...

- That's a threshold.
- Mmm.

She makes
her own way to Colombia.

Griselda pulls up in a car by herself.

She gets out of the car. She points at him.

"You fucked me!

"We dealt cocaine together in New York.

"We dominated.

"The DEA moved in, and you fucked me."

He's like, "Hey, whoa, man,

"you don't need to be so harsh.

"Fuckin' come on, baby,

"Fuck, fuck, fuck."

He goes for his Uzi, which is in his belt.

She goes for her pistol,
which is in her boot.

She gets shot in the
gut with one Uzi bullet.

"Oh! Ow! My gut."

She shoots him in the face with her pistol.

She takes his Uzi.

She shoots all of his six bodyguards

and emerges as the only survivor
of the entire scene

and earns the nickname, The Black Widow.

Now she makes her biggest
fucking move of all.

She goes, "Let's go

"to the virgin city, 'Me-ami.""

- Come on, Dan.
- Are you gonna do pushups?

Maybe.

I can't see you, by the way.

I can see two of you.

Um, so she, uh... She goes to Miami.

Now, this is a town
very thirsty for cocaine.

Here comes Griselda.

She invents a little concept
called the motorcycle drive-by.

Miami has gone insane.

The murder rate has tripled overnight,

and most of it are people that Griselda
is either murdering or having murdered.

Meanwhile, DEA agent Bob Palombo,

he says to his colleagues,

"When I arrest this woman,

"I'm gonna kiss her on the mouth. Mmm."

His colleagues are like,

"Oh, did you hear what Bob said?"

"Yeah, the mouth-kissing thing?"

"Yeah."

Having no more battles left to win,

she starts getting high on her own supply.

Griselda starts holing herself
up in her mansion.

Meanwhile, the DEA is closing in enough,

she sees the writing on the rall...
"On the rall." On the...

She sees the writing on the wall.

She flees to Irvine, California.

So she's sitting in her
Irvine, California home.

The DEA is closing in.

"Griselda, we know you're in there."

Guess what Bob Palombo does.

He marches up to her, kisses her.

And all of his coworkers are like,

"Wow, look what Bob did."

"He, uh, sexualized his quarry."

"Ugh, gross."

So, she pleads guilty

to 3 of the 240 murders

that she may be guilti-able about

in exchange for which
she gets 20 years in prison.

2011, correct the chyron
if we find out that's not true,

she gets deported back to Colombia,

in her hometown of Medellin,

the town that made her what she is.

She's outside a butcher shop.

She is gunned down by two assassins...

On a motorcycle.

Would that be...

A motorcycle drive-by?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah.

The fact that she died by something

that wouldn't have existed
had she not existed...

That's total irony.

This is... This is like if Thomas Edison,
uh, after his long life,

was strangled in his sleep by a light bulb.

Like fucking Ben Franklin

being killed by a glowing key.

Would it be like George Foreman...

Getting grilled to death?

Being thrown and grilled?

And all of his fat dripping down

angled troughs into a fucking plastic bin?

By all his challenges?

♪ Yeah, yo, Orlando, golf ball

♪ Epcot, have it all

♪ South Beach, North Beach

- ♪ Kicking it peninsula
- Day...

♪ This is not a real rap

- ♪ You can license it ♪
- Daytona, Daytona, Daytona