Drunk History (2013–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Spies - full transcript

Harriet Tubman was like,

"This is about to be,
like, a real stealth operation.

"You motherfuckers have never seen
no shit like this before."

Why would you wait 'til
I'm at my drunkest to do this?

Virginia Hall had a wooden leg.

Ow.

But she's blowing up bridges,

and the head of the Gestapo
is like, "That bitch."

But he was a bad guy,
so he used terrible language.

Roald Dahl was a
fighter pilot who crash-landed,

and he was a fucking spy.



Literally a fucking spy.

Well, a spy during war
is gonna go behind enemy lines,

and they're going to try to...

Oh, wait. I'm drunk. I can't use big words.

For a spy, I would need
maybe an Austin Martin,

I mean... Or an Aston
Martin, for the chicks.

- Who was Harriet Tubman?
- I love Harriet Tubman.

Underground Railroad.

Freed millions... Well, maybe not millions.

I don't know the exact amount.
But freed a number of slaves.

She was like the James
Bond of, uh, Georgia.

Wait. Give me that song again.

Which one?

Bitch called me about a week ago.



First of all, how do
you not know this song?

I can't hear.

Bitch, caught a body
'bout a week ago

Fucking with us
And then we tweakin', ho

Tweakin', ho

Bitch called me 'bout a week ago

No. It's...

He's saying, "Bitch, I caught
a body 'bout a week ago,"

meaning, "I killed somebody
about a week ago."

Oh, now, that's where I draw the line.

Hi, my name is Crissle,

and today we're gonna talk

about the civil war spy Harriet Tubman.

So Harriet Tubman
does not get her just due.

Like, you hear her name, and you think,

she led the slaves to freedom.

But you most certainly do not know

that she was a spy for the Union.

Mmm.

So the thing was, when
the Civil War started,

Harriet Tubman was like, "Wait a minute.

"I can do way more."

So she went down there to Port Royal,

which is in South Carolina,

and the Union had, like, taken it over.

But it was still com...
It was still, like...

Like, not smothered and covered.

That's fucking, like, biscuits.

It was... It was surrounded by confederacy,

like, places and shit.

And at first, she's just
like a regular-ass person.

She was a nurse.
And that's when she was like,

"I know I can do better than this.

"Like, I know can free way more slaves

"than what you guys are doing right now."

And that's when she went
to the colonel and was like,

"I could totally be a spy for you.

"I have connects,

"like, when I dress up and shit,
those people have no idea who I am."

And the colonel was like...

Excuse me.

I got, like, a good 15 minutes left in me

before the liquor takes over,

and God only knows what I'll say.

That's great.

And so then the colonel was like, "Yeah,

"obviously my white
ass can't go down there.

"Absolutely, you can be a spy. You go
down there and do what the fuck you do."

So she was like, "Okay, let me
put on my field hand clothes."

And she was, like, five feet tall,
so it was very easy for her to, like,

blend into the background.

And she is able to, like,
go to the plantations,

and she was like, "Hey, guys, like,

"not to stir up any shit or whatever,

"but, like, I know y'all
are tired of being slaves.

"I was totally tired of being a slave.

"And none of us have to be
slaves anymore, so, like,

"whoever's down to help
the Union, just let me know."

So everybody was like, "Cool."

And then she would go out...
She had these friends who were mariners,

which are basically just, like,
people who work in the water,

like, with water shit.

And she's like, "I know
there are mines out here,

"so let's work together
and find out where this shit is,

"because I'm a spy,
and I'm gonna get this shit,

"like, I'm gonna burn this shit down."

And so then she went back to
the colonel, and she was like,

"I have this idea to burn up
all the plantations.

"Here's all my research,
and you should just let me do it.

And the colonel was like, "Well, fuck it.
Like, I don't have shit to lose.

"Like, let's work together
and burn that shit down."

And so they got together, and she was like,

"Listen, this is about to be...

"Like, I'm not even about to bullshit you.
This is about to be some bullshit.

"Like, this is about to be,
like, a real stealth operation.

"You motherfuckers have never
seen no shit like this before.

"Like, I got some
dope-ass shit planned out.

"But I need y'all to all be down
and just do what the fuck I say.

"I got this shit."

And June 1, 1863... Yes.

On 1863, they begin this raid.

So Harriet Tubman is, like,
on the Combahee River and shit.

She was like, "I'm down for this shit.

"Like, I'm ready."
And so when the raid started, like,

she knew where the mines
and shit were in the water.

She and her team of mariners
were able to be like,

"Aw, fuck that, aw, fuck that.

"Like, we're not gonna get caught
by your stupid-ass traps,

"you fuckin' slave owners."

And then the owners of the plantation...
These crazy-ass racist white people

would see all these
black people coming,

and they'd be like,
"What the fuck is this?"

What the...

What the... The mic moved.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.

Is it still...

I'm sorry. I'm focused.

And they were like,
"Hey, hey, racist-ass white person.

"Here's another racist-ass white person
here to warn you that,

"you know, Harriet Tubman is coming
with her army full of bad bitches."

And so then they would start
shooting and shit,

but by then, Harriet Tubman was like,

"Bitch, you're too late.
Like, me and my people are already here."

And guns back then was fuckin',
like, just basic as fuck.

Them guns wasn't doing shit.

So they would take their torches and shit
and be like, "Yah!"

And go there... And go in and just

fuckin' burn these
plantations down and then dip.

And then they would go again.

Like, this raid,
it was 25 miles along the Combahee River.

And they're just, like, burning
shit down, freeing slaves,

getting on the boat, traveling again,
avoiding the mines.

And so at the end of the day, night...
End of the raid,

Harriet Tubman was like,
"Goddamn, I freed 750 slaves.

"Like, this shit is dope as hell."

And her plan...
It was the first military operation

that was executed
and led by an American woman.

And it was planned by a former slave
who could not read or write,

who was only five feet tall,
who was both black and a woman.

And she still pulled this shit off.

She helped the Union win the war.

She freed, like, at least
1,000 slaves in her lifetime.

She was just dope as hell.

God, black people have
been through so much shit.

Black people have been through so much.

I don't know how to respond to that.

Except, I agree.

I'm sorry. Tell me your Australian accent?

I can't do accents.

Can you say "Fair crack of the whip, mate"?

- And is that saying, like, "Good job"?
- No, it's like, give me a fair go.

Okay.

Fair crip... Fair... Grip.

Crack.

Fair crack of the whip, mate.

It's not terrible.

Fair crack of the whip, mate.

Believable?

Where does our story take place?

It takes place all over the place.

But the story starts in Baltimore.

Are you from Baltimore?

- Bal'more.
- Bal'more.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Hello, I'm Claudia O'Doherty,

and today we are gonna be
talking about Virginia Hall,

who was a very good spy.

So, in 1906, in Baltimore,
Virginia Hall was born.

And she's like, "I love Europe.

"Maybe I should get a job
for the foreign service.

"I'm very qualified
for that kind of thing

'cause I'm so smart
and good at languages."

And then she takes the entrance
exam for the foreign service,

but she fails because
it's a very hard exam.

She was very sad

when she got the results,
she was like, "Oh, man."

But she said, "You know what?
I need to blow off some steam."

And then she decided to go to Europe.
And she's having a good time.

When she was in Turkey in 1933,
though, she was like,

"Hey, friends, let's go on a hunting trip."

And they're just having a very good time
shooting all the animals.

And then she's like,
"I'll just climb over this wall...

"Or a fence. I'll just
climb over this fence."

And she's climbing
over, her legs get caught,

and she shot her left foot off. Ow.

- Ah.
- Mmm-hmm.

And she gets fitted
with a custom prosthetic leg.

And she called her leg Cuthbert.

- Cuff bit?
- Cuthbert.

- Cuthbert.
- That's what she calls it.

And then what happens? World War II.

And she's like, "Hmm, huh, not cool.

"But anyway, I know what I'll do.

"I'll sign up to be an ambulance driver
for the ambulance corps."

That's a very dangerous job in Paris in
1939, and she is like, "I don't even care."

So, then, she goes to London.

She goes to a dinner party,

and the dinner party's in a bomb shelter
during an air raid.

So, she's having a good time
at the dinner party,

and she meets this woman
named Vera Atkins,

who is like, "Ooh, this woman
could be of use to us."

So she says to Virginia, "By the way,

"I work for SOE: Secret
Operations Executive.

"It's a British spy gang."

And she brings in this big,
handsome French guy,

and he says, "Would you like
to be a spy for us?"

And Virginia is like,
"Yes, that would be incredible."

So, she goes back to France,
and she assumes a new identity.

And she's just, like,
a really nice journalist.

But actually, she's organizing
the French Resistance.

So, she's supplying weapons,

supplying money, organizing guys.

She's also organizing
escapes from prison camps.

She is just causing such
trouble for the Germans.

And they're hearing rumors
about this woman

who was organizing the French Resistance.

And they didn't know who she was,
but they knew that she had a limp,

which was embarrassing for Virginia,

'cause she didn't think
she did have a limp,

so that's a very sad
part of the story, right?

And the head of the
Gestapo is Klaus Barbie,

who's also known as the Butcher of Lyon.

And he's like, "What I wouldn't give

"to get my hands on
the neck of that bitch."

You said bitch.

Yeah, but he was a bad guy,
so he used terrible language.

So, everybody's looking for her now.

There are "wanted" posters everywhere
with her likeness on them.

They're like, "Look out
for this limping lady."

And she's like,
"Excuse me, I don't even limp."

But she probably... Anyway.

So she's like, "How am I gonna get out?

"I can't go through
any of the checkpoints."

So, because she's got no other option,

she hikes over the snowy
Pyrenees Mountains

with one leg, and she gets out of there.

But then who's entered the war?
The Americans.

And they're like,
we're looking for spies,

and she's like, "Hello,
I'm a very good spy."

And they're like, "Great, but you're gonna
need a really good disguise."

And so she dyed her hair gray,
put on two skirts and two sweaters,

and she had her fillings changed

so she had French fillings
rather than American fillings.

She looks like Mrs. Doubtfire.

- Exactly.
- Yeah.

And also, she shuffled so she
didn't have a limp anymore.

So then she goes back into France,

and she's just delivering
cheese everywhere.

But actually, she is wreaking havoc.

She's blowing up bridges,

blowing up train lines,
cutting telephone lines,

but it's very dangerous.

The whole time,
the Germans are looking for her.

And then the war ended.

- That's kind of good.
- So, that was good.

So then Truman is like,
"I'm gonna give you a medal."

And it is called
the Distinguished Services Cross.

So, she gets the award, and she goes,
"You know what I'd like to do now?

"I'd like to finally join the Foreign
Service like I've always wanted."

And they're like, "Budgetary cutbacks.
You can't be in the foreign service.

"But we've got this new organization.
Would you mind joining that?"

And that turned out to be the CIA.

And so she's the first woman
to ever be recognized

as a member of the CIA's career staff.

So, Virginia Hall was a true legend,

and she didn't let anybody tell her
what she could and couldn't do.

Not bad for a girl from Bal'more.

Stay tuned for more Drunk History: Spies.

Here's Roald fuckin' Dahl.

Ladies were just going nuts for him.

So, they fucked a lot,

and he got so much information
through so much of his dick.

So what I was thinking is,
I want to spy on this bar

so no one's gonna know who I am.

- All right. Let's do this.
- Let's do it.

Fuck Drunk History.

Where are you from?

Originally from Tennessee.

Have you ever seen this program?

Is it... Is it funny?

Doesn't sound... I've seen, like...

On, like, a scale of one to 10,
10 being funny...

I like Jeff Dunham.
You know, with the puppets?

That light's real bright.

You just have to put your arm down, though.

That's the only thing.

What makes an amazing spy?

In order to be a spy,
you have to be silent.

And sometimes people end up trusting you

and tell you information
that they otherwise

wouldn't tell you
if you were a spy.

Awesome. Thank you guys so much.

We get paid? Do we get paid?

What do you guys want us to say now?

All right.

Holy fuck. It's D-Money.

This is Mission: Impossible 5, D-Money.

Lucius.

Yes.

Please grab that glass.

What glass?

It's called balance.

Remember this?

Whatever. You can be as drunk as you want.

See? Look. You think that's gonna go down.

Grab it.

It's so not. No, no, no.

You think "Grab it." No.

It's making me... It's freaking me out.

No. I know. Remember this?

No. Why do you keep saying
do I remember that?

Why the fuck would I remember that?

Do I remember my hands? Sure.

Uh, my name is Lucius Dillon.

Today we're gonna talk about Roald Dahl...

And his life as a British spy.

World War II, Roald Dahl was
a fighter pilot for the RAF,

the Royal Air Force.

And he loved fighting them Nazis,
and he's like, "Oh, this is great."

And so he had to go and fly
to a base in the desert.

He ran out of gas, hit the
ground at 75 miles an hour,

cracked his skull.

He had to drag himself out of the plane
before the gas tanks exploded.

So he was pretty much was, like,

invalided out of the Royal Air Force.

But then a famous author, C.S. Forester,

wanted to interview him about his crash.

Dahl was like, "Okay, you know what?

"My mind's a little spotty.
Let me just write down some notes for you."

Forester's like, "Okay,
send it to me later."

So Dahl sat down to kind of write it,

and his mind was kind of muddled
because he went through a crash.

But he wrote, like, a really good story,
sent it to Forester,

and Forester wrote back and was like,

"Okay, look, you were
supposed to give me notes,

"not write a full fucking story.

"This... This is great. This is amazing.

"I'm not changing a word.

"I'm sending this straight
to the Saturday Evening Post."

So that got sent, and it was
actually really popular.

He realized, like, "Okay,
I can tear a pretty good yarn,

"or, I don't know if
that's the right term, but...

"I can write a pretty good story."

See? You got to tickle it.
You got to know...

- Just keep going.
- Uh, he was the talk of the town,

and so he was invited
to a lot of these parties.

And he met up with a really cool guy
called Bill Stephenson.

And Bill Stephenson's like,
"Hey, what's going on with you?"

And Dahl's just like,
"I want to help out England.

"I didn't bust my nuff...

"I didn't bust my nut enough in England.

"And I still didn't do enough."

Stephenson was like, "Well, y'know...
There is other stuff you can do."

So Dahl was hired into
a dark propaganda section

referred to as the BSC,
which stands for British Security Council.

And a lot of other people were hired,

Noel Coward, who was a famous
playwright and actor,

and also Ian Fleming,
who some people might know

as James motherfuckin' Bond.

And Stephenson was like,

"Let's put you into
some good political parties,

"and meet everyone you fuckin' can
and report everything back to us."

He was like, "Okay."

So here's Roald fuckin' Dahl,

tall, handsome motherfucker,
long-ass face, eloquent-ass tongue.

But every time when he was at the party,

like, he'd be eavesdropping
on newspaper people,

politicians and secretly just, like,

scribbling, you know,
little things on, like, napkins,

and reporting it to England.

He would also get into finding
information through pillow talk.

He had a list of ladies
that he would go through,

like Cissy Patterson had her claws
into the Washington Herald-Times,

and she's like,
"You want to see the boudoir?"

And he's like, "Yes, please."

So he fucked the shit
out of her for a while

and got whatever information that he could.

Then he went to Evalyn McLean.

She knew every politician in the world,
so they fucked a lot.

So he met Claire Booth Luce.

She was a congresswoman,
and they, uh, fucked.

And he got so much information
through so much of his dick.

But after a while, and
this is an exact quote,

like, he called
Ambassador Halifax and was like,

"Look, I am fucked out, okay?

"This goddamn woman has fucked me
from one end of the room to the other.

"I'm done. I can't do
it. I'm squirting dust."

And the ambassador's like, "Just
close your eyes and think of England."

And Dahl's like, "Great,
okay. I guess I will."

Get your chin off my neck.

- I'm just... No, it's...
- Get your chin off my neck.

No, that wasn't...
My chin wasn't on you at all.

I feel like we're laying on two Muppets.

Yes.

Oh, Jesus. Is this your death scene?

If you die on the show, we're fucked.

- I'm not puking enough.
- You don't need to puke.

- Fuck. I got to drink this.
- No!

Ooh. How have you had this much of that?

I've had seven glasses of this.

Okay, so FDR is in his third term.

Britain was like, "Okay, he's getting old.

"We are worried that
he's gonna die, because

he's our biggest
supporter right now.

"You need to let us know
everything that's wrong with him."

And he's like, "Yeah, I'll be right over."

Uh, and now I'm here, right now.

And so, luckily, Eleanor Roosevelt is like,

"Hey, I'm a big fan of yours,
so meet my husband."

And he's like, "Oh, yeah,
nice to meet you, FDR."

"Nice to meet you too, Roald Dahl."

And they have a lovely
time. They drink a lot.

So he took note of everything,
wrote it all in a 12 page document,

and it worked out very well until FDR died.

And then the war ended,
and Dahl's life as a spy was over.

He was like, "Shit, what can I do now?"

He's like, "Well, I need to make a buck,

"so let me just go for
the easy money and just...

"I'll just write some fucking
children's novels. That'll be great."

So he wrote James and the Giant Peach,

which was amazing.

And then in the same year,

he wrote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory,

which, holy shit, was the best.

And he wrote Charlie
and the Great Glass Elevator,

wrote The Witches,

wrote The BFG,

wrote Fantastic Mr. Fox.

He's hands down, fuck Dr. Seuss,

the greatest children's author of all time.

And he was a fuckin' spy!
Literally, a fucking spy.

And because of his dick,
England was a better place.

I enjoy jay-drinking.
I enjoy drinking with you.

- Jay-drinking?
- I enjoy day-drinking.

And you're continuing.

Back before they had cures for STDs

and y'all would just
fuck anything that would walk...

- Mmm-hmm.
- You would go to the doctor,

and you would be like,
"Hey, my dick hurts."

And the doctor would be like,
"All right, put your dick on the table."

And they took a rubber hammer
and just hammered at your dick,

and the infection would fly out.

Rubber hammer?