Drunk History (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 8 - Philadelphia - full transcript
Baron von Steuben helps train the Continental Army, John Adams and Thomas Jefferson campaign against each other for president, and Benedict Arnold betrays George Washington's army.
- Von Steuben's like,
I am gonna whip
you guys into shape.
New coach is in town.
- Adams has prostitutes
shipped in from overseas
that he bangs all the time.
I keep seeing spit
flying from my mouth.
- No, I'm feeling it.
- Benedict Arnold's like, yeah,
I am going to betray
the United States.
And she's like, I love it.
I love being a spy.
I drank all the whiskey in town.
- Oh.
- I'm too drunk.
♪♪
- People don't like us
'cause we're honest.
We're brutally honest here.
And we'll tell you
straight up, we don't like you.
Go fuck yourself.
- It's a hardworking,
blue-collar town.
A lot of these people
in this town
will give the shirt
off their back for anybody.
- It's the most historic city
in the country.
It's the birthplace of America.
We got everything...
Independence Hall,
Liberty motherfucking Bell.
We got it all, man.
Boston, fuck you.
Yeah.
- Hey, buddy,
thanks for having me over.
- Of course.
- How are you feeling?
- I haven't ever been drunker.
- You what?
- Never been drunker.
- All right.
Well, are you ready
to tell history?
- Yeah, I can do it.
Yeah.
Hi.
This story will be
about Wilhelm...
- I'm gonna tell you a story
about General von Steuben.
It's the American Revolution.
Washington troops
are freezing to death.
They said, Washington, you
don't know what you're doing.
Everybody around us is dying.
They don't have anything to eat.
They are freezing cold.
What are you gonna do?
Washington says, I'm gonna talk
to my buddy Ben Franklin.
'Cause I don't know if you know,
but Franklin was
just partying in Paris.
It's very weird.
Franklin learns
of this Prussian war general,
von Steuben.
He was trained
by the king of Prussia.
Ben Franklin says,
hey, von Steuben,
why don't you
come to California?
Uh, no.
Ben Franklin says,
why don't you come to America
and fight for us?
And von Steuben's like, look,
I already got kicked out
of Prussia for being gay.
I'm okay here in Paris.
It's okay to be gay in Paris.
And Paris is like,
not okay to be gay in Paris.
We're about to kick you out.
And von Steuben says,
check, please.
- So von Steuben shows up
with cooks and butlers.
He's dressed to the nines.
He's wearing furs.
He's got a dog, and he says,
hey, I'm von Steuben.
He looks at all of
General Washington's soldiers,
and he says,
look at this group of dogs.
They're dying.
They're starving.
They have no ammunition,
no love.
The soldiers are like,
I don't like this guy.
George Washington says, no, no.
Give him a chance.
Give him a chance.
Give him a chance.
And von Steuben's like,
I am gonna whip you guys
into shape.
New coach is in town.
Von Steuben starts
training the soldiers,
running them through the ranks.
He's stretching them
through the stretchers.
He's yelling at them
in Prussian.
And they go, what's he saying?
Washington is like, oh, boy.
The guy doesn't
even speak English,
so he says,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah.
And they hear, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
What are we gonna do?
But guess what.
A young captain shows up...
Ben Walker.
He says, I can understand
all the blah-blah-blahs.
I speak Prussian,
and I can help the Americans
understand him.
Von Steuben turns over
his shoulder and sees
the most handsome American
he's seen so far.
Steuben's into blondes,
and this guy is platinum blonde.
Beautiful cheekbones,
puffy lips.
Benjamin Walker says,
I will be your guide.
And, uh, they become buds.
Buds.
- They have this... this...
This training montage.
So Benjamin Walker ends up
being exactly what they needed.
He helps them with the troops.
Von Steuben
starts teaching them things.
He's like, these are knives.
You can use them to stab people.
And they're like,
oh, that's a great idea.
Teaches them
how to clean their teeth.
Teaches them
how to clean their bodies,
so they don't get disease.
People were like, we're just
trying to win a war, man.
And he was like,
this is how you win a war.
They start training harder,
and then he says,
Ben Walker,
yell at them in English.
And that guy says, more squats!
More squats, come on!
He literally churn...
He churned...
He churned the army into butter.
- Do you know
any drinking games?
- Oh, yeah.
- I was just thinking,
is there any way
we could take this shot?
Oh, what's that?
- You got to drink.
- Wait.
- So...
It's the Battle of Springtime.
No, it's Battle Hill.
No, it's
the Battle of Barren Hill.
These terrified kids
are just crushing it.
His troops start beating
battle after battle,
using the tactics
of von Steuben.
They use their bayonets.
They had all clean teeth,
and they won the war.
Washington said, von Steuben,
you can live with Washington...
I'm sorry.
- Ben Walker.
- Washington said,
I'm gonna give you a house
to live in, and I want you
to live with that guy,
Ben Wa... Ben Wa... that guy.
I will grant you
the most beautiful love ever.
So the army used von Steuben's
tactics for 100 years.
They called it
The Blue... The Blue Book.
That's why we're here safe.
So von Steuben saved the world.
- This story's like that movie
Renaissance Man.
Remember when Danny DeVito
came as the poetry teacher to...
- No.
No, it's not like that.
It's more like the, uh...
The guys from the World Cup.
- Okay.
- Isn't that...
- Mm-hmm.
- Isn't that...
- Mighty Ducks.
- Yeah, that's it.
It's more like
the world mighty cups.
- Mighty cups.
- Mighty cups.
- Yeah.
- I want to tell you this...
John Adams is a hermaphrodite.
- That's a pretty good campaign.
- It's a very good campaign.
- The history of Philadelphia...
What's your favorite part?
- Answer it, Anna.
Come on, Anna!
- Cheesesteaks?
- In Philly, you can go and get
a good cheesesteak.
- It's a pride thing.
- It is a pride thing.
- Yeah.
- There's so much history here,
but the people alive today
only care
about Goddamn cheesesteaks.
We can't get over the fact
that we figured out to put
cheese and steak
in a fucking roll.
- I mean, this is ridiculous.
Did you have a hole in that,
or what happened?
- I'm gonna clean that up.
- Like, really?
- I didn't do that.
- You know this is
my Goddamn home, right?
- You live in this shithole?
Hello.
Today we're gonna talk to you
about the election of 1800.
Thomas Jefferson
and John Adams...
They were Founding Fathers
of America,
and they were also
the best of friends.
Adams was like,
the Constitution...
You can kind of bend that
how you need to bend it.
We can kind of work with this,
and Jefferson was always like,
the Constitution is
the Constitution.
You can't fuck with that.
But they loved each other
until Adams became President,
and immediately
they started butting heads.
John Adams was like,
it's illegal to talk any shit
about the President
of the United States,
and if you disagree
with the federal government,
fuck you.
And Jefferson was like,
well, this is tyranny.
That's a violation
of a little something called
freedom of speech.
It all really reaches its head
on the election of 1800,
where these two lifelong friends
were pitted against each other.
Adams is like,
if you elect Thomas Jefferson,
here's what you're gonna get.
Murder all the time.
Everybody's gonna be
murdering each other.
Incest... your wives will lose
their virtue having sex
with a lot of dudes willy-nilly.
So Jefferson starts
talking a lot of shit
about John Adams.
We're talking about guys who,
like, created this country.
They were really like
a bunch of eighth graders.
He was like, you know what?
Adams has prostitutes
shipped in from overseas
that he bangs all the time.
I'm just gonna... I'm just
gonna tell you that right now.
I-I feel like I keep seeing
spit flying from my mouth.
- No, I'm feeling it.
- Am I spitting a lot?
- Yeah, I'm glad
you're seeing it, yeah.
- That's good.
- I'm in the splash zone.
- So Jefferson
went to the newspapers.
He says,
I want to tell you this...
John Adams is a hermaphrodite.
He's got both man
and woman sex organs.
This is, like,
a published statement
from Thomas Jefferson.
Adams was like, okay, fine.
You want to go that route?
That's when shit
got really dirty.
Adams says, oh, by the way,
if you were thinking
about voting for Jefferson,
you shouldn't because he's dead.
- That's a pretty good campaign.
- It's a very good campaign.
- Vote for me.
I'm alive.
- Yeah.
Even if you disagree
with everything I say,
at the very least, I'm alive.
- Would you rather be accused
of having
a penis and a vagina
or being dead?
- I think being alive
with a penis and vagina
would be an amazing experience.
And you're alive.
- Jefferson calls
upon a hatchet man,
James Callender, to publish
newspaper articles about Adams.
Adams...
What was I gonna say here?
Oh, yeah, and he was gonna go
to war with the French.
That's what was published
in the newspapers.
And it's a lie.
It's not true at all.
America was like,
I don't want to go to war
with the French.
That sounds terrible.
And they elect Jefferson
into office.
Jefferson wins.
Adams is like, you want to go
with this loser, fine.
But before I leave, I'm going
to appoint all of these people
who violently oppose everything
Jefferson stands for.
And then he's like,
I hope
you like all these assholes.
So cut to four years
down the line,
and Jefferson's daughter dies,
and Abigail Adams is like,
look, I know we've had
our differences with Jefferson,
but I should pop him off
a letter.
She's like, look,
I'm really, really sorry
about your daughter,
and it sucks that she is dead.
Jefferson gets this letter,
and he's like,
I-I want to thank you so much
for being so considerate
about the death of my daughter.
But while I've got
your attention,
I also want to tell you,
fuck you,
and fuck your husband
for being such assholes
who fucked up my presidency.
This is how immature
these great men
of American history were.
He can't even, like, just...
Like, that should have been
two separate letters.
She's like, John, you know what?
We're done
with Thomas Jefferson.
He's an asshole.
I tried to make it work
with this guy,
but... but fuck him.
So these two don't speak
for a decade.
Eventually, Benjamin Rush,
who was another Founding Father,
was like,
look, John Adams.
Johnny, I love you two guys.
Why aren't you speaking anymore?
Why can't we all be friends
like we used to
back in those glory days,
those 1776 days
that were so magical?
And John Adams was like,
look, I love Tommy Jeffs.
I'm a big fan.
I'll pop him off a letter.
It's very general.
It's like, hey, how you doing?
I... you know, I miss you.
I hope you're all right.
How's things going?
Jefferson gets the letter.
He's like, Adams, Johnny Ads.
Good to hear from you, buddy.
It's been ten years.
How's life?
And then
the letters start flowing,
and before you know it,
they start to connect
on certain things.
They start to connect on,
I'm a little concerned
about slavery.
Thomas Jefferson was like,
I'm antislavery,
but I do have
hundreds of slaves.
Uh...
Uh...
What am I talking about?
- Keep going.
You got it.
- It's weird how quickly
alcohol makes you not realize
what you said at all.
So, by the end of their life,
these two have exchanged
158 letters,
and they're best friends again.
Then it's 1826.
John Adams is on his deathbed,
and his last words are,
independence forever,
and also,
Thomas Jefferson survives
because that guy's
fucking awesome.
Little did he know
that just a few hours prior,
miles and miles away,
Thomas Jefferson had also died.
That day was July 4th,
the 50th anniversary
of the signing of
the Declaration of Independence,
which is crazy.
- That's true friendship.
- True friendship.
- Cheers.
To friendship.
You're my best friend.
- We barely know each other,
Derek.
- No, we're best friends.
- They realized Benedict Arnold
has become a traitor.
Benedict's like,
babe, we've been found out.
- People say
that this place is haunted.
Do you feel that?
- I'm sure that the spirits
that are in this house
are very accepting of the fact
that we're here.
I can't deny
something's going on.
You know,
the shit's getting real.
Benedict Arnold.
Both: Benedict Arnold.
Benedict Arnold.
- Oh, my.
He just said,
they called me an idiot.
That's sad.
- I feel things, Chip.
- No, say it ain't so.
If there's any spirit
in this room,
touch Derek.
- Do you hear that?
- That was my stomach.
- Okay.
- I will admit to that one.
Cheers. Good ghost hunting.
Drink up, bitches.
- Thanks for having me over.
- Oh, my gosh, I've been, uh...
I drank all the whiskey in town.
- All of it?
There's none to share?
- Oh, there's some to share.
- Okay.
I'm too drunk.
- Hello.
Today we are going to talk
about Benedict Arnold.
Benedict Arnold was a general
in the American Revolution.
He's a hero of Saratoga,
but the Continental Congress
promoted five other generals
and not Benedict Arnold.
Benedict Arnold
was very bummed out by that,
so he goes to Philadelphia.
There's a young woman,
Peggy Shippen,
who is the it girl
of Philadelphia.
Peggy was like,
I'm hilarious, I'm British,
and I'm the most beautiful
person that anyone's ever seen.
She has a suitor
named John André,
but Benedict sees her and just
falls crazy in love with her
and tells her,
it's better with you...
This is not an exact quote.
It's better... You are so great.
I love you so much.
You're so great.
So she marries Benedict Arnold,
who I believe she also loved.
Oh, God.
- What?
- I just realized
that I was being filmed.
Oh, my God.
- So, anyway, Peggy says...
Sweetheart,
you deserve to be backed
by the government that you
belong to.
You know, the British...
would appreciate you.
They would love you.
Also, my family's British.
Benedict's like, no, no, no.
No, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna
defect to the British side.
That's insane.
George Washington's my daddy,
kind of.
Peggy says, look, I have
a friend in the British Army,
John André.
Benedict's like,
is that guy your ex-boyfriend?
Peggy's like, well, I mean...
Benedict, if you really
want to be with me,
be more confident.
And Benedict's like, yeah.
Yeah, I am going to betray
the United States
because I love you,
and I'm going to prove to you
that I am not jealous.
And makes love to his wife.
And she's like, I love it.
I love being a spy.
This is so great
because I love drama.
I'm Peggy Shippen.
Like, what an adventure.
She was a sheltered, entitled...
Twat.
I have this whole
imaginary chorus of women
that are like, don't say twat.
Don't say cunt.
But she was a twat cunt.
- She was bad.
Peggy says,
you write me letters.
I'm going to pass them on
to John André.
So Benedict writes letters,
which are really passionate.
They're like, oh, Peggy, I love
that I get to do it with you,
because he knows that
John André is going to get them.
Also, the Continental Army
is going to West Point.
Also, I love you,
and I love you, I love you.
So they're passing letters
back and forth, back and forth,
back and forth.
And eventually Benedict
tells John André,
okay, I'm gonna give you
the information
on how to attack us.
I'll tell you everything.
Also, I'm going to invite
George Washington to my house,
so you can take him if you want.
Like, his friend.
- Love.
- Yeah, it sucks, sucks so much.
So they meet
behind American lines,
and Benedict takes out
all these maps and says,
okay, if you're going to attack,
you need to attack this way.
And they're signed
by Benedict Arnold,
which I don't understand
why he would do that.
So John André
starts headed home.
He doesn't get very far
before he encounters three men.
They're like,
okay, you have a red coat,
and you have a British accent.
We're going to search you.
John André's like, ugh.
And he has these maps,
and they realize
that Benedict Arnold
has become a traitor.
- I got cake.
- Oh, my gosh!
- It's a history book
that's drunk.
- That's amazing.
Thank you for teaching me
about Benedict Arnold.
- Cheers.
- Cake.
- Ah.
So Benedict says to Peggy,
babe, we've been found out.
And she's like, you just...
You, get out of here.
Like, I'll deal with it
on this end.
Meanwhile, George Washington
is walking up to their house.
George Washington,
the head of...
Life?
The head of the entire
Continental Army is like,
oh, I'm gonna have breakfast
with, uh, Peggy and Benedict,
my favorite people
in the whole world.
He gets these papers that
Benedict Arnold betrayed him,
and he very famously says,
whom do we trust now?
I'm too drunk.
Um, he goes to the house.
Peggy, meanwhile, rips off
half of her clothes.
She's holding her six-month-old.
Peggy says, aah!
You are sent here
to kill my baby.
Baby killer,
you're here to kill my baby!
And he's like,
oh, my gosh, you're crazy.
You're so cra... No.
He's just like, ugh,
women with their hysteria.
She's crazy right now,
but she's absolute...
I can say without a doubt
that she is innocent.
She was... she was...
She was brilliant.
She was great.
She wasn't great.
She was bad.
- Anyway, Benedict Arnold
joins the British.
He's like, hey, I was American
five minutes ago,
and now I'm British.
Let's do this.
And they were like, no,
we don't... we don't trust you
because you're this traitor.
Just fucking get out of here,
and he is shunned by everyone.
And then he was this,
like, limping, sad man,
and before he died,
he said to Peggy,
Take out my Continental uniform,
and she put it on him,
and he said,
I-I regret ever wearing
any other uniform,
and he died.
He died in his American uniform.
You know what's really funny
about being drunk is that
you really feel like
you're doing
all the important things
that you needed to do.
- Right.
- Peggy, may I please speak
to you?
Benedict made that decision.
It was not your fault.
- You got both flashlights
on that one.
She's not taking
the blame for that.
- Good.
I am gonna whip
you guys into shape.
New coach is in town.
- Adams has prostitutes
shipped in from overseas
that he bangs all the time.
I keep seeing spit
flying from my mouth.
- No, I'm feeling it.
- Benedict Arnold's like, yeah,
I am going to betray
the United States.
And she's like, I love it.
I love being a spy.
I drank all the whiskey in town.
- Oh.
- I'm too drunk.
♪♪
- People don't like us
'cause we're honest.
We're brutally honest here.
And we'll tell you
straight up, we don't like you.
Go fuck yourself.
- It's a hardworking,
blue-collar town.
A lot of these people
in this town
will give the shirt
off their back for anybody.
- It's the most historic city
in the country.
It's the birthplace of America.
We got everything...
Independence Hall,
Liberty motherfucking Bell.
We got it all, man.
Boston, fuck you.
Yeah.
- Hey, buddy,
thanks for having me over.
- Of course.
- How are you feeling?
- I haven't ever been drunker.
- You what?
- Never been drunker.
- All right.
Well, are you ready
to tell history?
- Yeah, I can do it.
Yeah.
Hi.
This story will be
about Wilhelm...
- I'm gonna tell you a story
about General von Steuben.
It's the American Revolution.
Washington troops
are freezing to death.
They said, Washington, you
don't know what you're doing.
Everybody around us is dying.
They don't have anything to eat.
They are freezing cold.
What are you gonna do?
Washington says, I'm gonna talk
to my buddy Ben Franklin.
'Cause I don't know if you know,
but Franklin was
just partying in Paris.
It's very weird.
Franklin learns
of this Prussian war general,
von Steuben.
He was trained
by the king of Prussia.
Ben Franklin says,
hey, von Steuben,
why don't you
come to California?
Uh, no.
Ben Franklin says,
why don't you come to America
and fight for us?
And von Steuben's like, look,
I already got kicked out
of Prussia for being gay.
I'm okay here in Paris.
It's okay to be gay in Paris.
And Paris is like,
not okay to be gay in Paris.
We're about to kick you out.
And von Steuben says,
check, please.
- So von Steuben shows up
with cooks and butlers.
He's dressed to the nines.
He's wearing furs.
He's got a dog, and he says,
hey, I'm von Steuben.
He looks at all of
General Washington's soldiers,
and he says,
look at this group of dogs.
They're dying.
They're starving.
They have no ammunition,
no love.
The soldiers are like,
I don't like this guy.
George Washington says, no, no.
Give him a chance.
Give him a chance.
Give him a chance.
And von Steuben's like,
I am gonna whip you guys
into shape.
New coach is in town.
Von Steuben starts
training the soldiers,
running them through the ranks.
He's stretching them
through the stretchers.
He's yelling at them
in Prussian.
And they go, what's he saying?
Washington is like, oh, boy.
The guy doesn't
even speak English,
so he says,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Blah, blah.
And they hear, blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah.
What are we gonna do?
But guess what.
A young captain shows up...
Ben Walker.
He says, I can understand
all the blah-blah-blahs.
I speak Prussian,
and I can help the Americans
understand him.
Von Steuben turns over
his shoulder and sees
the most handsome American
he's seen so far.
Steuben's into blondes,
and this guy is platinum blonde.
Beautiful cheekbones,
puffy lips.
Benjamin Walker says,
I will be your guide.
And, uh, they become buds.
Buds.
- They have this... this...
This training montage.
So Benjamin Walker ends up
being exactly what they needed.
He helps them with the troops.
Von Steuben
starts teaching them things.
He's like, these are knives.
You can use them to stab people.
And they're like,
oh, that's a great idea.
Teaches them
how to clean their teeth.
Teaches them
how to clean their bodies,
so they don't get disease.
People were like, we're just
trying to win a war, man.
And he was like,
this is how you win a war.
They start training harder,
and then he says,
Ben Walker,
yell at them in English.
And that guy says, more squats!
More squats, come on!
He literally churn...
He churned...
He churned the army into butter.
- Do you know
any drinking games?
- Oh, yeah.
- I was just thinking,
is there any way
we could take this shot?
Oh, what's that?
- You got to drink.
- Wait.
- So...
It's the Battle of Springtime.
No, it's Battle Hill.
No, it's
the Battle of Barren Hill.
These terrified kids
are just crushing it.
His troops start beating
battle after battle,
using the tactics
of von Steuben.
They use their bayonets.
They had all clean teeth,
and they won the war.
Washington said, von Steuben,
you can live with Washington...
I'm sorry.
- Ben Walker.
- Washington said,
I'm gonna give you a house
to live in, and I want you
to live with that guy,
Ben Wa... Ben Wa... that guy.
I will grant you
the most beautiful love ever.
So the army used von Steuben's
tactics for 100 years.
They called it
The Blue... The Blue Book.
That's why we're here safe.
So von Steuben saved the world.
- This story's like that movie
Renaissance Man.
Remember when Danny DeVito
came as the poetry teacher to...
- No.
No, it's not like that.
It's more like the, uh...
The guys from the World Cup.
- Okay.
- Isn't that...
- Mm-hmm.
- Isn't that...
- Mighty Ducks.
- Yeah, that's it.
It's more like
the world mighty cups.
- Mighty cups.
- Mighty cups.
- Yeah.
- I want to tell you this...
John Adams is a hermaphrodite.
- That's a pretty good campaign.
- It's a very good campaign.
- The history of Philadelphia...
What's your favorite part?
- Answer it, Anna.
Come on, Anna!
- Cheesesteaks?
- In Philly, you can go and get
a good cheesesteak.
- It's a pride thing.
- It is a pride thing.
- Yeah.
- There's so much history here,
but the people alive today
only care
about Goddamn cheesesteaks.
We can't get over the fact
that we figured out to put
cheese and steak
in a fucking roll.
- I mean, this is ridiculous.
Did you have a hole in that,
or what happened?
- I'm gonna clean that up.
- Like, really?
- I didn't do that.
- You know this is
my Goddamn home, right?
- You live in this shithole?
Hello.
Today we're gonna talk to you
about the election of 1800.
Thomas Jefferson
and John Adams...
They were Founding Fathers
of America,
and they were also
the best of friends.
Adams was like,
the Constitution...
You can kind of bend that
how you need to bend it.
We can kind of work with this,
and Jefferson was always like,
the Constitution is
the Constitution.
You can't fuck with that.
But they loved each other
until Adams became President,
and immediately
they started butting heads.
John Adams was like,
it's illegal to talk any shit
about the President
of the United States,
and if you disagree
with the federal government,
fuck you.
And Jefferson was like,
well, this is tyranny.
That's a violation
of a little something called
freedom of speech.
It all really reaches its head
on the election of 1800,
where these two lifelong friends
were pitted against each other.
Adams is like,
if you elect Thomas Jefferson,
here's what you're gonna get.
Murder all the time.
Everybody's gonna be
murdering each other.
Incest... your wives will lose
their virtue having sex
with a lot of dudes willy-nilly.
So Jefferson starts
talking a lot of shit
about John Adams.
We're talking about guys who,
like, created this country.
They were really like
a bunch of eighth graders.
He was like, you know what?
Adams has prostitutes
shipped in from overseas
that he bangs all the time.
I'm just gonna... I'm just
gonna tell you that right now.
I-I feel like I keep seeing
spit flying from my mouth.
- No, I'm feeling it.
- Am I spitting a lot?
- Yeah, I'm glad
you're seeing it, yeah.
- That's good.
- I'm in the splash zone.
- So Jefferson
went to the newspapers.
He says,
I want to tell you this...
John Adams is a hermaphrodite.
He's got both man
and woman sex organs.
This is, like,
a published statement
from Thomas Jefferson.
Adams was like, okay, fine.
You want to go that route?
That's when shit
got really dirty.
Adams says, oh, by the way,
if you were thinking
about voting for Jefferson,
you shouldn't because he's dead.
- That's a pretty good campaign.
- It's a very good campaign.
- Vote for me.
I'm alive.
- Yeah.
Even if you disagree
with everything I say,
at the very least, I'm alive.
- Would you rather be accused
of having
a penis and a vagina
or being dead?
- I think being alive
with a penis and vagina
would be an amazing experience.
And you're alive.
- Jefferson calls
upon a hatchet man,
James Callender, to publish
newspaper articles about Adams.
Adams...
What was I gonna say here?
Oh, yeah, and he was gonna go
to war with the French.
That's what was published
in the newspapers.
And it's a lie.
It's not true at all.
America was like,
I don't want to go to war
with the French.
That sounds terrible.
And they elect Jefferson
into office.
Jefferson wins.
Adams is like, you want to go
with this loser, fine.
But before I leave, I'm going
to appoint all of these people
who violently oppose everything
Jefferson stands for.
And then he's like,
I hope
you like all these assholes.
So cut to four years
down the line,
and Jefferson's daughter dies,
and Abigail Adams is like,
look, I know we've had
our differences with Jefferson,
but I should pop him off
a letter.
She's like, look,
I'm really, really sorry
about your daughter,
and it sucks that she is dead.
Jefferson gets this letter,
and he's like,
I-I want to thank you so much
for being so considerate
about the death of my daughter.
But while I've got
your attention,
I also want to tell you,
fuck you,
and fuck your husband
for being such assholes
who fucked up my presidency.
This is how immature
these great men
of American history were.
He can't even, like, just...
Like, that should have been
two separate letters.
She's like, John, you know what?
We're done
with Thomas Jefferson.
He's an asshole.
I tried to make it work
with this guy,
but... but fuck him.
So these two don't speak
for a decade.
Eventually, Benjamin Rush,
who was another Founding Father,
was like,
look, John Adams.
Johnny, I love you two guys.
Why aren't you speaking anymore?
Why can't we all be friends
like we used to
back in those glory days,
those 1776 days
that were so magical?
And John Adams was like,
look, I love Tommy Jeffs.
I'm a big fan.
I'll pop him off a letter.
It's very general.
It's like, hey, how you doing?
I... you know, I miss you.
I hope you're all right.
How's things going?
Jefferson gets the letter.
He's like, Adams, Johnny Ads.
Good to hear from you, buddy.
It's been ten years.
How's life?
And then
the letters start flowing,
and before you know it,
they start to connect
on certain things.
They start to connect on,
I'm a little concerned
about slavery.
Thomas Jefferson was like,
I'm antislavery,
but I do have
hundreds of slaves.
Uh...
Uh...
What am I talking about?
- Keep going.
You got it.
- It's weird how quickly
alcohol makes you not realize
what you said at all.
So, by the end of their life,
these two have exchanged
158 letters,
and they're best friends again.
Then it's 1826.
John Adams is on his deathbed,
and his last words are,
independence forever,
and also,
Thomas Jefferson survives
because that guy's
fucking awesome.
Little did he know
that just a few hours prior,
miles and miles away,
Thomas Jefferson had also died.
That day was July 4th,
the 50th anniversary
of the signing of
the Declaration of Independence,
which is crazy.
- That's true friendship.
- True friendship.
- Cheers.
To friendship.
You're my best friend.
- We barely know each other,
Derek.
- No, we're best friends.
- They realized Benedict Arnold
has become a traitor.
Benedict's like,
babe, we've been found out.
- People say
that this place is haunted.
Do you feel that?
- I'm sure that the spirits
that are in this house
are very accepting of the fact
that we're here.
I can't deny
something's going on.
You know,
the shit's getting real.
Benedict Arnold.
Both: Benedict Arnold.
Benedict Arnold.
- Oh, my.
He just said,
they called me an idiot.
That's sad.
- I feel things, Chip.
- No, say it ain't so.
If there's any spirit
in this room,
touch Derek.
- Do you hear that?
- That was my stomach.
- Okay.
- I will admit to that one.
Cheers. Good ghost hunting.
Drink up, bitches.
- Thanks for having me over.
- Oh, my gosh, I've been, uh...
I drank all the whiskey in town.
- All of it?
There's none to share?
- Oh, there's some to share.
- Okay.
I'm too drunk.
- Hello.
Today we are going to talk
about Benedict Arnold.
Benedict Arnold was a general
in the American Revolution.
He's a hero of Saratoga,
but the Continental Congress
promoted five other generals
and not Benedict Arnold.
Benedict Arnold
was very bummed out by that,
so he goes to Philadelphia.
There's a young woman,
Peggy Shippen,
who is the it girl
of Philadelphia.
Peggy was like,
I'm hilarious, I'm British,
and I'm the most beautiful
person that anyone's ever seen.
She has a suitor
named John André,
but Benedict sees her and just
falls crazy in love with her
and tells her,
it's better with you...
This is not an exact quote.
It's better... You are so great.
I love you so much.
You're so great.
So she marries Benedict Arnold,
who I believe she also loved.
Oh, God.
- What?
- I just realized
that I was being filmed.
Oh, my God.
- So, anyway, Peggy says...
Sweetheart,
you deserve to be backed
by the government that you
belong to.
You know, the British...
would appreciate you.
They would love you.
Also, my family's British.
Benedict's like, no, no, no.
No, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna
defect to the British side.
That's insane.
George Washington's my daddy,
kind of.
Peggy says, look, I have
a friend in the British Army,
John André.
Benedict's like,
is that guy your ex-boyfriend?
Peggy's like, well, I mean...
Benedict, if you really
want to be with me,
be more confident.
And Benedict's like, yeah.
Yeah, I am going to betray
the United States
because I love you,
and I'm going to prove to you
that I am not jealous.
And makes love to his wife.
And she's like, I love it.
I love being a spy.
This is so great
because I love drama.
I'm Peggy Shippen.
Like, what an adventure.
She was a sheltered, entitled...
Twat.
I have this whole
imaginary chorus of women
that are like, don't say twat.
Don't say cunt.
But she was a twat cunt.
- She was bad.
Peggy says,
you write me letters.
I'm going to pass them on
to John André.
So Benedict writes letters,
which are really passionate.
They're like, oh, Peggy, I love
that I get to do it with you,
because he knows that
John André is going to get them.
Also, the Continental Army
is going to West Point.
Also, I love you,
and I love you, I love you.
So they're passing letters
back and forth, back and forth,
back and forth.
And eventually Benedict
tells John André,
okay, I'm gonna give you
the information
on how to attack us.
I'll tell you everything.
Also, I'm going to invite
George Washington to my house,
so you can take him if you want.
Like, his friend.
- Love.
- Yeah, it sucks, sucks so much.
So they meet
behind American lines,
and Benedict takes out
all these maps and says,
okay, if you're going to attack,
you need to attack this way.
And they're signed
by Benedict Arnold,
which I don't understand
why he would do that.
So John André
starts headed home.
He doesn't get very far
before he encounters three men.
They're like,
okay, you have a red coat,
and you have a British accent.
We're going to search you.
John André's like, ugh.
And he has these maps,
and they realize
that Benedict Arnold
has become a traitor.
- I got cake.
- Oh, my gosh!
- It's a history book
that's drunk.
- That's amazing.
Thank you for teaching me
about Benedict Arnold.
- Cheers.
- Cake.
- Ah.
So Benedict says to Peggy,
babe, we've been found out.
And she's like, you just...
You, get out of here.
Like, I'll deal with it
on this end.
Meanwhile, George Washington
is walking up to their house.
George Washington,
the head of...
Life?
The head of the entire
Continental Army is like,
oh, I'm gonna have breakfast
with, uh, Peggy and Benedict,
my favorite people
in the whole world.
He gets these papers that
Benedict Arnold betrayed him,
and he very famously says,
whom do we trust now?
I'm too drunk.
Um, he goes to the house.
Peggy, meanwhile, rips off
half of her clothes.
She's holding her six-month-old.
Peggy says, aah!
You are sent here
to kill my baby.
Baby killer,
you're here to kill my baby!
And he's like,
oh, my gosh, you're crazy.
You're so cra... No.
He's just like, ugh,
women with their hysteria.
She's crazy right now,
but she's absolute...
I can say without a doubt
that she is innocent.
She was... she was...
She was brilliant.
She was great.
She wasn't great.
She was bad.
- Anyway, Benedict Arnold
joins the British.
He's like, hey, I was American
five minutes ago,
and now I'm British.
Let's do this.
And they were like, no,
we don't... we don't trust you
because you're this traitor.
Just fucking get out of here,
and he is shunned by everyone.
And then he was this,
like, limping, sad man,
and before he died,
he said to Peggy,
Take out my Continental uniform,
and she put it on him,
and he said,
I-I regret ever wearing
any other uniform,
and he died.
He died in his American uniform.
You know what's really funny
about being drunk is that
you really feel like
you're doing
all the important things
that you needed to do.
- Right.
- Peggy, may I please speak
to you?
Benedict made that decision.
It was not your fault.
- You got both flashlights
on that one.
She's not taking
the blame for that.
- Good.