Drunk History (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Hawaii - full transcript

- Then Captain Cook says,
you and me are gods.

Let's go and party with them.

Laugh with me.

- He looked down.

He said, there's a fucking arm
next to me,

and there's a hand grenade
in that motherfucker.

I'm fucking hammered, man,
on this shit,

and he's all,
"Yeah, hey, what's up?"

- It's all bullshit.

We recognize you surf well,

but you're being a fucking dick.



Am I the perfect level
of drunkenness right now

or too drunk?

♪♪

- I love Hawaii.

- We're lucky to be born
in a special place.

- It's magic.

- This is the only island
that looks like this.

You go to the other outer...
Outer isla...

Outer... out, I'm sorry.

The outer islands,
it's like Mayberry.

- It's a lot different
from the mainland.

That I can say.

- You have your bad days
and your good days, but, I mean,

you have better days here,
you know what I mean?



- Is there a thing instead of
cheers that they say in Hawaii?

- They say "Ho'o mau kau kau,"
and then you have to say "'Ae."

- I do?

- Or you say "Ho'o mau kau kau,"
and I say "'Ae."

It means are you ready?
- Oh ma.

- Ho'o mau kau kau.

- Ho'o maul kaul kaul.

- Mau.
- Maul.

- You're doing an "L."

Do it like me.
Ho'o mau kau kau?

- Ho'o mau kau kau?

- 'Ae. Aloha.

My name is Jonah Ray Rodrigues,

and I'm here to tell you
about Captain Cook discovering

the islands of Hawaii.

Opening shot.

- No.

- I got really excited
because I-I thought of that.

And I guess...
- No, it's very funny.

- Sorry.

- What year is it?

- So the year is 1779.

Kalani'opu'u is crowned
chief right near the celebration

of the season of the god Lono.

Like, he's a rad god.

He's about food and fucking.

Let's party.

But then, a British ship manned

by Captain James Cook
appears on the water,

and he's just like,
there's some islands here.

Should we... should we stop?

The Hawaiians are just like,
oh, my God.

This is what...
Lono has given us,

like, a whole new buddy
to hang out with.

So King Kalani'opu'u,
excited about these people,

says, you seem pretty cool.

You're a really cool dude.

But the way that it works out

is that Captain Cook
doesn't understand Hawaiian.

He takes
what he's saying as, oh.

I think this guy thinks
we're a god or gods of us.

We're all gods.

You and me are gods.

Let's go and party with them,

because I've never been
to a party where I'm a god.

And that's
the first miscommunication

that's happened.

The thing about Hawaiians

is that they're very much
into the spirit of aloha,

which is,
they're very good hosts.

All of Cook's men
are just having a blast.

It's like, what's that?
Food?

I'm gonna eat it.

And other people are like,
sex... you like sex?

I bet you do.

Come and have some.

But they are the worst guests,

because they don't contribute
anything to this party,

and so it's like two weeks.

The Hawaiians are
kind of being like,

brother, these kind haoles,

they ain't pitching in.

All they do is eat
and have sex with our sisters.

You know, the Brits, they're
just like, yeah, I know, I know.

We're... you guys are doing
a great job of...

Treating your gods well.

So tension starts to build.

And so at that point...

The train comes.

So at that point, Captain Cook
and his men go, you know what?

It's time to check out
that northern passage anyway.

Thanks so much for the pig
and the women

and, you know, sweet beaches.

But we got to go.

And so Captain Cook
and his men leave.

Hawaiian people are like,
brah, finally.

Let's get back
to the way things were.

What happens at this point
is that there's a storm,

and it just busts their boat.

And so Captain Cook is like,
um, ship's broke.

But don't worry,
we can go back to Hawaii.

They'll do whatever we say.

Well, Cook shows back up
and goes,

like, hey, everybody.
I'm back.

And they're like,
oh, you're... why are you back?

Cook is just like,

now as your god,
I demand you to fix my boat.

My boat got broke.

Now you got to fix my boat.
Fix my broke boat.

And so everybody in Hawaii
is just like, no, brah.

Not even.
Eh?

- Let's do a shot.

Laugh with me.

You're trying to make
a fool of me.

Because I've seen the show.

I know how it works.

- Perfect.

- So Cook is saying,
that's really weird

that they're not treating
their gods with respect.

And then so the Hawaiian people,
just kind of upset,

steal some stuff.

Captain Cook
and his men notice it.

They're like, hey,
I think this stuff was stolen.

I think they stole it.

We should probably,
uh, retaliate.

And Captain Cook goes,
oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Until you return our stuff
and fix our boat,

we're gonna take your chief.

And they kidnapped
King Kalani'opu'u.

And this is where things
take a turn for the worst.

He was saying...
He's like, all right.

I'm gonna take this guy
back to the boat.

Show them how gnarly we can get.

At that point,

one of Captain James Cook's men
shoots a kid,

Kalani'opu'u's nephew,

and everyone loses it.

Everyone's just like,
what the fuck?

What's wrong with you?
What are you, white?

And they start picking up
rocks and spears

and pummeling Captain Cook
and his men.

It's... it's like a mosh pit.

Cook is saying,
okay, you know what?

It's at this moment
that I realize

that they don't think
we're gods.

Clunk, Captain Cook gets killed
in this situation.

Couple other James Cook's
shipmates...

- Whoopsie.

- Shut the fuck up.

I didn't realize
how combative this would get.

- Deal with it.

- And then Kalani'opu'u goes,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

Everyone, chill out.

Everyone's like,
all right, cool.

He's like, I like this guy.

He messed up.
We all do.

Let's give him
a proper Hawaiian burial.

We're gonna burn his body,
take some of the bones,

and keep them for ourselves

because, you know,
this guy seems to be...

He has a lot of stuff going on.

But we're gonna give
the rest of the body back.

And so they burned the body,
and he says,

here's the sack of...

Here's the sack of James Cook.

No hard feelings.

You understood
how it all went down.

Have fun back in England.

After that,
Hawaii became a port.

It became a place where you have
to be accommodating to visitors.

It's just... it's a good place.

It's real beautiful.

Hey, Dad, it's Jonah.

Dad, what do you think

the greatest thing
about Hawaii is?

- What do you think
the worst thing about Hawaii is?

Oh, Daddy.

- The entire unit
was celebrated by the president,

and I'm pretty fucked up.

- Oh, man.

No fucking way.

So you jump off this?

- My first jump off anything
in Hawaii was off this.

- Were you scared?
- I'm scared every time.

- Was there anything
that you heard

that helped you not be scared?

- Go.

- Whoo-whoo!

- My body's a little
differently shaped than yours.

♪♪

Aloha.

What are you drinking?
- I'm drinking tequila.

I'd show you the bottle,
but it has no top on it.

I hope you don't mind
it being undressed.

- Sorry.
- Oh, you're fine.

- Hi, I'm Phil Hendrie,
and welcome to Drunk History

on Comedy Central.

Tonight, the story
of Daniel Inouye.

Cheers.

Daniel Inouye is putting his tie
on one beautiful Sunday morning

when suddenly his father's
in the hallway.

And his dad's like,
this is not a drill.

This is not a joke.

Pearl Harbor's been attacked.

We're fucked.
America's bombed.

Hawaii is bombed.
Pearl Harbor is bombed.

Bang,
down he goes into Honolulu,

and he was the first guy in line
to enlist.

And they came out and said,
you can't enlist.

Inouye's like, why?

Because you're a Jap.

You know, it sucks.

That just blew his fucking mind.

He was,
what are you talking about?

I'm ready to rock and roll
on this shit, you know.

Why can't Japanese-Americans
fight?

Well, this was bullshit
because not a one

of these people
had proven themselves

to be anything other
than loyal fucking Americans.

It wasn't until 1943 when
finally the 442 was organized.

We are the "Go for Broke"
Japanese-American unit,

the reginal innermint...

Internet...
The Internet regiment team.

Whoo, man.

The 442 Infantry Regiment
United States regiment.

What the fuck is that?

- Well, we're gonna build
the scene.

Let's see, we got...
- Oh, I see.

- We're gonna hide there.

- What the fuck is this?

He's playing a guitar.
Look at this one.

- Oh, yeah.
Is that La Bamba?

- He's... yeah, he's doing
a guitar move here, you see?

He's just, yeah!

So the fighting in Italy

was brutality unchained, man.

It was mountain fighting.

It was slow, plodding,

deadly warfare.

Daniel is a... he's a lieutenant,
so he's leading a platoon.

It's April of 1945.

The objective,

we got to clear
these machine gun nests.

What the fuck?
You know.

Let's send
these Japanese guys in.

Let's see
what they can do, okay?

You know, go out,
kick ass, take names.

Fuck them up.
You know, let's go, man.

Inouye leads his platoon
up this ridge.

Gradually, he sees his men
behind him getting killed.

Inouye by this point says,
my men are sitting ducks.

But Inouye is the officer,
and he's Daniel Inouye.

He says, okay, fuck it.

I got a...
I got a bag full of grenades.

I'm gonna take another shot.

Daniel Inouye,
by himself, he kept advancing.

It's like something
out of a fucking movie.

The guy's throwing grenades
and firing a machine gun.

Throwing grenades
and firing a machine gun.

Boom, he'd take out one nest
with hand grenades

and another nest with small arms
fire and hand grenades.

And now comes
the third machine gun nest.

- You don't have to finish that,
by the way.

There's no...

- Oh, I might as well go ahead
and do it to it, yeah.

That's the good...
That's the baby.

Boom!

As he goes to take the third,
bang.

He took a bullet
through the stomach.

He looked down.

He said, I feel okay.
I'll keep going.

Right at that moment
comes a rifle-propelled grenade.

Boom!

This arm is now shredded.

He looked down.

He said, there's a fucking arm
next to me,

and there's a hand grenade
in that motherfucker.

He says, Jesus H. Christ.

I better throw this grenade.

He grabs the grenade,

throws it
into this machine gun nest here.

And then, boom.

He crawled behind a tree,
and he stayed there nine hours.

Finally, by midnight,
Inouye was taken downhill.

Guys are coming up to him going,
what happened to your arm?

What?

The fucking arm is gone.

I don't know which one
you're talking about, man.

The right arm is not there.

All right,
so it's not fucking there.

Well, what the fuck?

Oh, jeez,
this guy with the fucking arm.

You love him?
The arm's gone.

It's gone.
I don't know.

You want to go up
and look for it, Billy,

you can go up and look for it.

But I'm going,
and I'm gonna get some chow,

and then I'm getting
my fucking ass out of here.

I love how this cat
just keeps it together.

I'm fucking hammered, man,
on this shit,

and he's all,
"Yeah, hey, what's up?"

After the war, the 442
was the most decorated unit

in the history
of the American Army.

The prejudice against
Japanese-Americans continued.

He said, God damn it,

if those motherfuckers
don't believe it yet,

we've just proven
we're fucking patriots, man.

We kicked ass.
We lost our fucking arms.

What is going on, you know?

Fuck you.

We need representation
of the Japanese-Americans.

And now began
Daniel Inouye's career

as the very first
Japanese-American representative

in the United States Congress.

And when Daniel Inouye died,
President Obama said,

Daniel Inouye was
an inspiration to me,

and without him,
I would not be in politics.

- All right, to a true patriot.

- Right on, man.

There's nothing wrong with that,
man.

- Nothing.
- Nothing wrong with that.

He overcame the prejudice
of this... the preju...

You dirty motherfucker.

- Yeah.
Oh!

I got it.

Are you ready?

Up.

All right.

Looking sharp.
- This is easy.

- Just focus
on catching the wave.

Be the wave.

Aah!

- Am I the perfect level
of drunkenness right now

or too drunk?

- You were thirsty.

How do you feel?

- I feel pretty drunk,

so it's
an interesting state of affairs.

- Hello, today we're gonna talk
about Eddie Aikau.

So November 19, 1967, Waimea Bay
is bigger than it's ever been.

Nobody's surfed it this big.

They would just be like,
that is a death zone.

But Edward Ryon
Makuahanai Aikau,

and he's like, I'm gonna go,

and then just killing it.

And that day
is recorded by everyone.

He's taking off
deeper than everybody.

He's riding bigger waves.

He's killing it.
He's, overnight, a sensation.

He's on covers
of surf magazines,

like, Eddie Aikau,
Hawaiian hero!

Eddie proves himself
in front of the whole world.

Like, that was for Hawaii.

This is for every Hawaiian
in the entire world.

Most of them are in Hawaii,
I understand.

So Waimea Bay,
where he made his name,

people are dying all the time
in Waimea Bay.

But then one person's like,
oh, we should have a lifeguard.

And Eddie's like,
hey, look at me.

Remember me?
Eddie Aikau.

So they make him the first
lifeguard at Waimea Bay.

He saves over 500 people.

Not a single person dies.

Pumping water out of chests
on the sand.

I'm gonna start
sweating at a certain point

because I just do
as I get excited.

- Do you have your towel ready?

- I'm gonna moist down.
- Yeah.

- I'm getting a little bright.

- Keep it dry.

So now we're in the '70s,

and this brings in a new breed
of surfer from Australia.

They win
a bunch of competitions.

Then they fucking get
in the press,

and they insult
Hawaiian culture,

saying, Hawaiian way
of surfing is old.

It's out of date.

We're the future.

We're the future of surfing.

Ugh, I dated
an Australian for two years.

Can't do an Australian accent.

I thank God,
because I'd do it all the time.

Hawaiians are reasonable people,

but they have been
pushed to the point.

So the Australians
get beat up a few times.

Probably made them
better people.

At a certain point,
they've gotten beat up so much

that they're, like, holed up
in their room.

There's a knock on the door.

Knock, knock, knock.

And they're just like, oh, no.

So they grab
a bunch of tennis rackets.

Rabbit grabs the doorknob,

and he turns it like,
what's gonna happen?

Opens it up.
It's Eddie.

And he's like, hey.

I don't have a tennis racket.

Please put those away.

Also, why do you have so many?

Let's talk about this.

Eddie walks them to a hotel
with a conference room.

And Eddie's like,
what you're doing right now

has been happening
on these islands for so long,

where white people
are just saying, like,

Hawaiians,
your culture's not real.

It's all bullshit.

We recognize you surf well,

but you're being a fucking dick.

All of you are a group
of penises sitting here.

After a while,
the Australians are like,

we don't want to be dicks.

We want to be cool surfer dudes.

We're so sorry.

Do you know they say
"wide-on" for a female boner?

That's an Australian term.

As opposed to a hard-on,
it's a wide-on.

Don't you make me
explain this more.

This inspires, I think, in Eddie
a belief that, like,

I have to show the world
that Hawaiians are super sweet,

and the way we're gonna prove it

is that we're gonna sail
from Hawaii to Tahiti

only by the stars.

And so they leave.

Six hours in, it's a storm.

♪♪

So I can just go,
and it's like I'm still here.

- And it says, "Keep it dry,"

because I sweat a lot,
so I made these up.

So they set sail,

but they set sail
in just bad weather.

The storm hits them hard.

They get flipped over.

The captain
was just like, oh, no.

I don't want to tell you
we're all gonna die,

but the probability of we're
all gonna die is pretty high.

Eddie says, I'm just doing it.

Eddie takes off his life jacket,

and he's like, I'm gonna go.

I'll get help.

I'll tell you...

I'll tell them where you are.

He gets on his board,
starts to paddle towards Lanai.

Then a few hours later,

the people on the boat
see a airplane,

and so they fire the flare,

and that is
how everyone gets rescued.

And the Aikau family
are on the shore waiting,

and there's no Eddie.

And there's no Eddie.

And then the captain
has to tell the Aikau family

that Eddie went...

He went...

He went to save them.

He died saving these people.

They've never found
Eddie's body.

But Quiksilver started

a surf competition
called The Eddie,

the first Eddie competition
that's ever held.

It's big waves,
but it's also just...

Fucked-up, gnarly waves.

And everybody's sitting there.

Everybody's hemming and hawing.

Well, I don't know.
Maybe we shouldn't.

Maybe we should.

Mark Foo, legendary
big wave surfer on his own,

he says, Eddie would go.

And everybody is just like,
fuck, man.

Yeah, Eddie would go.

And so that becomes a thing.

Eddie would go,

and it means Eddie would go
on the biggest wave.

He would go save you,

and he would go.

Because if you attempt life,

you might die,
but you'll live on,

and Eddie has.

- Wow.

I mean, I know
I have to wake up at...

Oh, it's only 11:30.
Let's have another drink.

- Hello, tree.

- So you want to try?

- So I'm supposed
to just hop like that, yeah?

Oh, my God.

Sorry.