Drunk History (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Montgomery, AL - full transcript

- Percy Julian was one

of the most famous scientists
of his time.

Oxydrons and carbutrons...

that's molecules for you.

- Rosa Parks gets taken
off to jail.

She's like,
oh, I was just tired.

Aren't I not threatening,
white people?

[burps]

I'm sorry I burped,
but I'm not sorry!

- Joe Louis is
against the ropes,

and then fucking Schmeling
knocks him down,



and he's like, oh, fuck,

I shouldn't have been fucking
and golfing.

[muttering]

I'm trying to pull
my pants up, though.

- Oh!

[patriotic music]

♪♪

- People are surprised
when they come here,

and they see
what's actually here.

You know, we have got all sorts
of history in Montgomery.

We've got, like, civil rights,
Civil War, I mean, everything.

- It's a nice place.

People are welcoming
and generous and thoughtful,

and everyone here tells me,
you're not from here.



[laughs]

- Montgomery, Alabama,
is the biggest little city

in the world,

as far east of the Mississippi.

And, of course,
I'm shit-faced, so...

anything I say is like, yeah,
he's shit-faced.

- What do you want to cheers to?

- Um, Alabama.

Ooh.

I put too much of that
in the glass.

- It was a little much.
- [coughs and burps]

Hello.

Today we're going to talk
about Percy Julian,

one of the greatest scientists
to ever live.

Percy Julian was born
in Montgomery, Alabama, in 1899.

So that meant he was growing up
as a kid

in Jim Crow segregation land.

Even though
it was a huge obstacle,

he was able
to escape into plants.

That sounds so dumb
when I say it.

- No, sounds great.

- He said, look at these plants.

There's a whole laboratory
inside these things.

I just want to unlock
all the healing qualities

of all these plants and things.

Little Percy decided,
I want to be a scientist.

He got accepted
to DePauw University in Indiana.

He thinks, this is gonna be
so much different

than Montgomery, Alabama,
and all the segregation there.

He gets there, black students
are banned from campus,

uh, living on campus.

He finally finds a fraternity

that allows him to live
in their basement

in exchange for being
their butler, and they're like,

can you make us some hot dogs?

Yeah, I guess I'll make you
some hot dogs.

I'm only trying to fucking
be a scientist here.

We don't care.
Can you make us a pizza?

Yeah, I'll make you a pizza.

I'm only fucking trying to get
my goddamn degree.

We don't care.

But at that time,
in the United States,

no one would allow
a black man to...

get their PhD.

So he goes to Vienna, Austria.

He's like,
this place is amazing.

I mean, we're doing
real work here, guys.

Carbons and hydrodrons,

oxydrons and carbutrons...

that's molecules for you.

He writes home,
and he says, this is...

This place is amazing,
and I'm kind of a badass here.

Like, ladies like me.

That's all I'm gonna say.

I'll say a little bit more.

I've had sex
with some people here,

and they weren't all
racially racist and stuff.

I don't want to get
into too much detail.

I've penetrated many women.

All the best, Percy.

Those letters would come back
to haunt him later.

- [chuckles] No.

- Yes.

Percy's back in America,
and he's like, ah, yeah,

I'm fucking back from Vienna.

I got my PhD.
No big deal.

Let's just keep doing
some science, guys.

And then his boss,

the president
at Howard University,

is like, no, no, no.

All those letters that you wrote

about all those babes you were
hooking up with in Vienna...

This is very embarrassing
to Howard University,

so we need you to resign,
and Percy's like, what?

These were personal letters!

And he's like, there's a lot
of "opportunitities"...

"opportunitities"?
[laughs]

Fuck you guys, I guess.

He's a man without a job,

So he has nowhere to go.

This guy William O'Brien... who's
a vice president of Glidden,

a paint company...
He's like, this is absurd.

This is crazy.
This guy is a genius.

I'm gonna hire this guy to be
the Director of Research

in our laboratory.

So Percy and his team were
studying soybeans in the lab.

They're going, this molecule

goes to this molecule,
and then boom,

and then we have this molecule
that's going to this molecule,

and then boom.

We're having a good time.

So he's working all this stuff.

One time, Percy's in his lab.

He found out there had been
an accident, and he was like,

Oh, shit.
Oh, fuck.

Some water got
into this 100,000-gallon tank

of soybean juice.

I'm in fucking trouble.

And he notices these crystals
on the side of the tub,

and he realizes,

I just made steroids
from a soybean.

At that time, they were getting
steroids from, like, horse piss.

Everybody was like,

whoa, Percy just made
progesterone out of a bean.

He didn't even have to, like,
use a horse dick for that.

There's only
so many horse dicks.

There is, like,
a million soybeans,

uh, per every
one horse dick, okay?

Percy starts making
millions of dollars

because of this.

He's able to help
millions of people,

with things from arthritis,
glaucoma, birth control,

and he was a role model

to many other African-Americans
after him.

He created
so much goddamn stuff,

I can't even list
all the stuff he created,

because there's not enough time
on the show,

but can I just, like...

Can you just scroll a list
of all the stuff he created?

- Yeah, we can...

- Because that would be
the most efficient way.

- Just while you're talking?
- I can't... I don't have...

I can't,

but I hope you're seeing
the list

of all the stuff he created,
because it's insane.

It's, like, a lot of stuff.

I didn't even know about that.

Look at that.

- [laughs]

That is fucking awesome.
And you got Mario?

- Oh, I got King Koopa too.

Montgomery, Alabama,
is Super Mario Bros. 3,

because you got cops all over...

You know, you got...
They're the Goombas.

You got...
Extra lives are your bars.

And then you got Bowser,
who might be that hot chick

you're trying to score with
at the end of the night,

texting your buddy.

And he's like, hey,
what are y'all two doing?

Oh, we're not going out.

Meanwhile, they're sleeping
with each other,

so it just turns to Mario Kart,
and you're on Rainbow Road

to her house, until I find out,
is she, like...

I've had that happen.

- We've all been there.
- [laughs]

There we go.
Look at...

[laughing]
This is awesome.

- To Montgomery, Alabama.

- To Montgomery, Alabama,
baby, 334.

Drunk History, baby.

Roll Tide!

- It feels so great to have
a lot of vodka.

Feels really great.

People aren't gonna
tell you that, but it's true.

- [chuckles]

- Hello.

Today we're going to talk
about Claudette Colvin.

Guess what.

In Montgomery, Alabama, in 1955,

a young black woman
became the first person

who was arrested
for not giving up her seat

to a white lady on the bus.

That young woman's name
is Claudette Colvin.

Claudette Colvin is

a 15-year-old
bespectacled teenager.

Uh-oh, let me say it.

Bespectacled teenager.

It's a hard word,
"bespectacled."

She takes the bus home
from school,

so her friends are like,
all right,

we're having a fun trip to home.

Uh-oh, a white lady.

A white lady gets on the bus.

The white lady's like,
Hey, you guys have to move,

because I'm white.

Claudette's friends leave,
but Claudette stays,

and is like, you know what?

I paid my fare, the same as
this white lady paid her fare.

So Claudette's like, fuck you.

I'm fucking sitting.
Have a seat.

White lady's like,
I will not have a seat.

The bus driver's like,
I'm gonna get the cops.

So the cops are like, move.

Claudette's like,
I shall not be moved,

and they drag her off the bus.

The only thing she knows
to do is to go,

it's my constitutional right.

And they're like, it's 1955,
and we don't have to do shit,

so fuck you.

Claudette's like,
fucking fuck 1955.

[burps]

I'm sorry I burped,
but I'm not sorry!

So wait, what?
- I was just saying, like...

So the N.A.A.C.P.

is flooded with letters saying,

Claudette Colvin is so brave,
she's wonderful.

And the person
who reads these letters,

the secretary of the N.A.A.C.P.,
Rosa Parks.

Rosa Parks goes
to Claudette Colvin's house

and is like,
Claudette, you're the shit.

Claudette's like,
I fucking know.

I'm the one who got my ass
dragged to jail.

And that's how they really
connect and become friends.

So, whenever she's
at an N.A.A.C.P. meeting,

she spends the night
at Rosa Parks' house.

And Rosa Parks is like,
you know what?

You're great.

Claudette Colvin is like,
you're great.

They really connect.

Time passes, and E.D. Nixon,

the president of their local
chapter of the N.A.A.C.P.,

is like, we need
to start a bus boycott,

and this bus boycott
will start a revolution.

We should use
Claudette Colvin's arrest

as a reason to boycott
the buses.

People will get behind her.

But then they were like,

oh, but not white people,
because she has darker skin,

and we can't have a 15-year-old
as the face

of the antisegregation movement,

but we can have Rosa Parks
as the face of this movement.

So it's at that time

that Rosa Parks sits down
in the white section of the bus

and gets taken off to jail,

but she had to act like,
oh, I was just tired.

Aren't I not threatening,
white people?

And then white people were like,
oh, she's just tired.

We're eating this up.

Okay.
[laughs]

I'm just, like,
hyperaware that, like,

this very moment
could be on national TV.

I'm fucking like
an asshole right now.

Okay.

It's at this time
that the N.A.A.C.P.

put a flyer in the hand
of every black person

in Montgomery,
including Claudette Colvin.

The flyer says, please
don't ride the bus on Monday.

We are boycotting
the arrest of Rosa Parks.

And then
Claudette Colvin is like,

I can't believe
that I'm finding out

through a fucking flyer
that Rosa Parks

did exactly what I did.

I feel very hurt.

Claudette Colvin is like, ouch.

And at that same time,
she finds out she's pregnant.

She's like, fuck.

Her high school finds out
that she's pregnant,

so she's kicked
out of high school.

She's like, fuck.
You know what? Fuck this.

I'm moving to Burning Man.

Did I say "Burning Man"?

I thought Burning Man,
while I said "Birmingham."

Birming... Burning Man?

Now I can't say Burning Man.

Uh-oh, okay, I'm in a tailspin.

The judge is like...

[burps]
segregation is unconstitutional.

You're welcome, Montgomery,
fucking Alabama.

I ended segregation.

- At heart of the city
is the civil rights era.

Rosa Parks, the bus boycott,
Martin Luther King.

- And how about
Claudette Colvin?

- Claudette Colvin,
I'll tell you.

I'm the first person to tell you

that I don't even know
who she is.

- Where in the world was I?

Mm...

- Well, um...

- [laughs]

At this time, the bus boycott

has been going on
for far too long.

Fred Gray, one of the only
two black lawyers

in Montgomery, Alabama, goes
to Claudette Colvin's house,

and he's like,
let's sue the city of Montgomery

for the fact that segregation
is unconstitutional.

Will you testify?
She's like, absolutely.

Let me have this baby.
So bam.

She has this baby, and they put
some people on the stand,

and Claudette
is the star witness.

She's like, your honor,
I this, and I that,

and I hate fucking segregation.

The judge is like...

[burps]
segregation is unconstitutional.

They win the case,
so she was like,

you're welcome, Montgomery,
fucking Alabama.

I ended segregation.
Peace.

I'm moving to New York
to become a nurse.

She moved to New York...

[laughing]
I mean, okay.

Earlier I felt okay, and then
after that, I felt drunk,

but then now it's really drunk.

Okay, 55 years later,
a reporter finds her

and is like,
are you Claudette Colvin?

Didn't you do the thing
that everyone kind of thinks

Rosa Parks did, but she didn't,
you did?

And she's like, yes,
it was me, it was me!

And the reporter was like,
aren't you jealous

of Rosa Parks
and how everyone celebrates her?

And Claudette Colvin said,
I've made my peace with that.

I'm just satisfied
that my children can sit

wherever they want on the bus.

The end!

[imitates music beats]

- Wow.
Well, you just crushed that.

- Thank you.

It's my job right now
to tell stories.

How are you, cup?

- Boxing is very demanding.

You have to get in
great condition for this sport.

- Breathing kind of heavy
over there.

- [laughs]
- Puffing like a train.

You okay?
- Oh, yeah.

- All right.
- Psyching you out.

- Calisthenics
is very important.

Reverse!

- I'm glad I went
to the bathroom. Oh!

- I got you. Come on, I got you.
Two, three.

Touch 'em up, Kyle.

Go ahead and go to work on him.

- Now, what am I aiming for?
Am I really...

Am I boxing right now?
- Yeah, yes, you are.

- All right, all right.
- There you go.

There you go. Way to go.
[laughs]

- Thank you, Kyle.
- Hey, man.

- You're a great fighter, man.
- Appreciate it.

- Thanks for punching me
in the face.

- Nah, you're all right.

- If you're saying you're drunk,
just sip on that.

You don't have to get
all fucked up.

Just... okay.

All right, Morgan Murphy.

- [sighs]

Hello.
Today we're going to talk

about Joe Louis
versus Max Schmeling.

Big fights,
America versus the Nazis.

Let's do it.

Joe Louis was a boxer
from Alabama.

He's upwardly coming,
and he had a rocking bod,

and he's fighting
this dude Max Schmeling.

Max Schmeling,
he lived in Germany.

He was a German during the time
of the Nazis.

Schmeling had won
the Heavyweight Championship

in 1930,

'cause Jack Sharkey
hit him in the nuts

and got disqualified.

So he basically won
the Heavyweight Championship

of the world
by getting hit in the nuts.

Joe Louis' manager was like,
we're gonna take

this ex-champion, Schmeling,
throw him in front of Louis,

Louis will pummel him.

Joe Louis was like,

I don't need to train
for this schmuck, you know?

Instead of training,
he was playing golf,

and he had all these women
coming around and stuff.

So he's fucking
and playing golf and stuff

instead of training
for his fight.

Mmm.

So the first fight
was at Yankee Stadium.

There's tens of thousands
of people there,

and everyone just assumes

Joe Louis is gonna kick
Max Schmeling's butt.

Like, Hitler didn't even want it
advertised in Germany.

Hitler was like,
this guy's gonna lose.

We don't want anyone to know
about the fight.

It was like, Joe was, like,
doing all right,

and then Max Schmeling
just starts coming at him.

He was like, boom, boom, boom.

And then fucking Schmeling
knocks him down

for the first time
in his whole career.

Joe Louis was like, oh, fuck.

I shouldn't have been fucking
and golfing.

And he loses.

So Louis feels like,
I'm not the real champ

until I beat Max Schmeling,
you know,

'cause he beat me before,
so I'm gonna...

Now I want to beat him,

and so they
basically ended up deciding

they were gonna fight again.

And, uh, you know,
he was at the White House,

and Roosevelt said, you know,

we need these arms
to beat the Nazis.

Are you gonna win?
Or whatever.

And he's like, yeah, I got to...

I got to...
I... I can't do what I did before.

I can't fuck up and lose.

I got to get my shit in shape.

No women, no golf.

I have gloves.
Where are your gloves?

Hold on.

Will someone pull my pants up?

Joe Louis trains hard this time.
He doesn't play golf.

He doesn't fuck chicks.
He just trains.

And the second fight
was at Yankee Stadium,

and Hitler, like, was, like,
suddenly Mr. Cool.

Like, all right,
we're gonna win.

Let's do this.
Tell everybody.

Let's party.
Let's watch the fight.

Everybody, you can be out
until 3:00 a.m.

All the bars have to have booze,
so you can celebrate.

And also, we will use
the prize money to build tanks,

'cause he thought
he was gonna win.

Joe Louis was prepared,
and he's just like,

fucking one, two, one, two.

And Hitler's like,
uh-oh, Spaghettios.

Don't let anybody hear this.
Pull the plug.

They, like, pulled it
from German radio,

'cause they knew
what was gonna happen.

Like, never mind.
Don't worry about it.

Go do your thing.

No Jews.
Thank you, bye.

- I don't like this idea.
- Just fight nicely.

Delicate, one, delicate.
- Thank you.

- [laughs]

Joe Louis
is pummeling Schmeling.

Left, right.
- All right.

[both grunt and laugh]

- Okay, okay, all right,
all right, you win.

Oh, no, no.

You got me good.

[laughter]

The greatest fight of all time.

- And the ref said, it's over.

And Joe Louis won,
and America won.

People in America were like,

even me,
an asshole racist American

can realize we're beating
the Nazis.

That's fucking amazing.
I love that guy.

Hi.
- You won.

- I know.
I'm trying to get up.

Hold on.
Thank you.

- Oh!
- [laughs]

[patriotic music]

♪♪

- And action.

- [grunting]

Fucking one, two, one, two!