Drunk History (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Wild West - full transcript
Hold-outs fight to the bitter end at the Alamo, Billy the Kid goes on the run from lawman Pat Garrett, and Teddy Roosevelt rounds up the Rough Riders and goes to war. Guest starring Jake Johnson, Chris Parnell, Andy Daly and more.
[patriotic music]
- Teddy Roosevelt rides up
to the front lines
and he says,
I'm going up this hill.
Let's go right here.
- Billy the Kid is the most
legendary outlaw that there is.
Pew, pew, pew.
Whoooa!
- Crockett, Travis, and Bowie
take the Alamo for themselves.
General Santa Anna says,
surrender now
or you will be killed.
[scoffs]
Bullshit.
♪♪
[country guitar music]
- Well, real cowboys came about
at the end of the Civil War...
The cattle drive cowboys,
the one the legend came from.
And everybody thinks
that a cowboy carried
one of these
or maybe two of these.
- They carried multiple guns.
- They would do this, right?
- Well, I wouldn't do that.
- The truth is, only five times
in all of history
did two idiots
face each other in the street,
and when they were
in the street, they were drunk.
- You know, we're working people
and we have a good time,
and that's what
a real cowboy is.
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk about
my favorite President,
Teddy Roosevelt.
Okay.
[chuckles]
In the late 1890s,
President McKinley
has declared war on Spain.
Teddy Roosevelt is the assistant
secretary of the Navy.
The Secretary of War
is a guy named Alger.
Teddy says, Alger,
I wanna go to war.
I think this is what I need
to feel like a man.
And Alger laughed and he said,
okay, man,
if you really want this,
I'll make you Lieutenant Colonel
of the first U.S. Volunteer
Cavalry Regiment.
Teddy Roosevelt says,
there's no one in the world
who's better suited
to being a cavalry officer
than a cowboy.
He's got a big ol' dick.
I spilled this
all over my shirt.
Teddy Roosevelt
went to Texas, Oklahoma,
the Indian territories,
and New Mexico.
Teddy Roosevelt
says to a bunch of cowboys,
guys, what's up?
I need your help.
Spain sucks.
The U.S. Needs to go to war
with Spain.
Let's do this.
The cowboys say,
yeah, we're 100% game.
We know how to ride horses.
The Indians say,
you guys are probably
gonna need trackers.
We're cool.
Like, some of the Apaches
aren't cool with you guys,
but we're cool with you guys.
In addition to the cowboys
and Indians,
Teddy Roosevelt calls up
his old Ivy League buddies
and he says, guys,
I'm going to war with Spain.
I know you guys
are not only super smart
'cause you got
into Ivy League schools,
but you're also super tough
because you play sports.
So, why don't you
join my regiment?
So Teddy Roosevelt
creates this army
of 1,000 Ivy League athletes,
cowboys, and Indians...
The Rough Riders.
[menacing music]
♪♪
Let's go right here.
- Okay, wherever
you're comfortable.
- Yeah.
[guitar twangs]
Okay.
Are we good?
Now, Teddy Roosevelt
and his 1,000 Rough Riders
go to Cuba.
The transport ship
isn't big enough.
300 guys have to stay behind.
Every other guy had
to leave his horse behind.
So these guys land in Cuba,
and they get ambushed.
They're in a valley
between two hills
where the Spanish
have the upper hand.
They're sitting ducks.
Teddy Roosevelt's men
start taking fire.
He loses over 200 of his men
in this 20 minutes.
Teddy Roosevelt rides up
to the second-in-command
of the regular army,
and he says,
we're getting our asses kicked
right now.
The only way we're gonna survive
is if we charge up this hill.
And the second-in-command
of the regular army says,
the Colonel isn't here
to make that call.
I can't let you do that.
And Teddy Roosevelt says,
I am a colonel.
It's my call now.
He rides, unafraid of bullets,
to the front lines.
Here, Teddy Roosevelt is here.
His history and his people
are standing behind him.
He says, I'm gonna go.
I'm going up this hill.
And I'm gonna...
And I'm gonna defeat
these Spanish forces.
Follow me.
And if you turn around,
I will shoot you.
So Teddy Roosevelt
led this charge
and all of the people followed
Teddy Roosevelt up the hill.
They beat back
the Spanish forces.
And the Spanish forces
retreated,
but Teddy Roosevelt
kept charging,
and within two weeks,
Spain surrendered.
When he was 11 years old,
Teddy Roosevelt said,
if I'm gonna be anything,
the thing that I'm gonna be
is a badass.
And that day, he fulfilled
that promise to his young self,
and he became
a fuckin' rock star.
[triumphant music]
♪♪
- Mark?
Mark?
- Uh-huh?
I'm ready, baby.
[patriotic music]
- Billy comes in with a knife.
No one knows who anyone is.
Billy says... [clears throat]
quien es?
Which means,
"who is it? Who is it?"
- Paula, what...
What's your name?
I know it's Paula,
but is there a...
- It's Pistol Packin' Paula.
Both: Pistol Packin' Paula.
- So, this is...
Gun twirling is a...
It's a fun art to do.
It impresses a lot of people.
Yee-haw.
[gunshot]
- Can you show me any,
like, moves,
or is too risky?
- Yeah, I can.
- Is there a technique...
You start it down, or...
- You can... either way.
I mean, I usually just...
But don't drop it.
You know, that's a $1,000 gun
right there.
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk about
the legend of Billy the Kid.
Do you want me to do
another one?
- No.
- Hello...
- No. No, we're good.
- Oh, all right.
- We're good.
- He was born William McCarty,
known as Billy the Kid.
As an adolescent,
he stole cheese,
and then he got arrested.
And he escaped
out of an outhouse.
That's when he felt like
he was an outlaw.
You know, these...
These ranch owners
and these land owners
and these sheriffs
were taking water and land
and money
from the Indians, the Mexicans.
And Billy the Kid
is the kind of guy
that would be like, fuck you.
You're not gonna do that.
I'm gonna shoot you
and kill your people...
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And your sheriffs, maybe.
Pew, pew, pew.
He was loved
by the Hispanic community,
and he apparently had
a lot of Latina women
that loved him.
But, uh... [laughs]
- Did he date any?
- Oh, a lot of 'em.
He loved Latina women.
There was these stories
where he killed
these people, like,
uh, Joe Grant,
who was the local drunk,
apparently, at this bar.
And Billy the Kid
was sitting there
and he didn't recognize him.
He said, if I ever met
Billy the Kid,
I would kill him in cold blood.
I'd murder him.
And he was like, okay.
And so Billy the Kid, he said,
man, I love your ivory handle.
And he turned it
to where there was
one blank on that revolver.
And he said, hey, Joe Grant,
I'm Billy the Kid.
[ominous music]
Oh, really?
And he walked out.
And you hear... [click]
and then Billy the Kid
turned around
and shot that dude in the chin.
[chuckles]
In the chin.
I mean, well, you're an asshole.
Boom, boom, boom.
[playing piano]
And what's crazy
about Billy the Kid,
he could sing in a way
that no one else could sing.
[singing poorly]
Let's try that.
[gibberish]
[laughs]
[mumbling]
Hey, bitch!
[laughs]
I'm, like, a bitch!
No, you're not.
[laughs]
Pat Garrett was the sheriff
and said,
my... my one goal is to get...
I'm gonna get Billy the Kid.
He hunted down Billy the Kid.
So they found him
in a farmhouse,
and they had the whole place
surrounded.
One guy came out and he decided
to go feed the horse,
and they shot him down
and thought that
it was Billy the Kid.
And they were like, we got
Billy the Kid, we got him.
And then they realized
that it wasn't him.
So then they realized
it wasn't him.
And Pat Garrett said,
well, shoot the horse down.
Shoot the horse down.
There's no windows.
There's no exit.
And so they shot the horse down.
And they put the horse,
the dead horse,
in front of the exit.
And they put him
in front of the exit
and no one else could get out.
- Can I get a pee out here?
Is this bad?
- What?
- Me peeing?
- Not at all.
It's your place.
- I'm peeing.
Okay, so I'm peeing.
Well, giddyup.
Billy the Kid,
they found him in a farmhouse
and they surrounded him,
and they started
cooking breakfast.
And they said, hey, Billy, hey.
Come have breakfast with us.
And Billy said, you know what?
He's fucking us, so no,
we're not gonna do that.
And they were like, okay.
So they kept cooking breakfast.
And there was breakfast
for a long time.
And then Billy came out
and said, you know what?
There's no way...
There's nowhere else out.
So we're gonna keep
cooking breakfast.
And Billy came out and said,
you know,
there's no way else out.
So they all
had breakfast together
and Billy got arrested.
Well, Billy the Kid
shoots both of the prison guards
and escapes from jail.
He said, go to hell, bitches.
Go to hell.
Well, go to hell.
Three months later,
Pat Garrett finds
one of his accomplices
and they go to his house.
And Billy comes in at midnight
with a knife.
No one knows who anyone is.
And Billy says... [clears throat]
quien es?
Which means,
"who is it? Who is it?"
Quien es?
Who is it?
Who is it?
And Pat Garrett
recognizes Billy's voice
'cause they knew each other
from back in the day,
and he shoots him three times.
Shoots him twice in the chest
and then he misses once.
It hits the... you know,
above the fireplace.
And he was like, help me.
Help.
Pat Garrett shot Billy the Kid.
I-I wanna say something
about Billy.
This is what Billy was.
This is what Billy was.
[playing guitar poorly]
♪ Billy the Kid ♪
♪ He was an outlaw ♪
♪ And he shot Joe Grant ♪
♪ Well, he shot him
in the jaw ♪
♪ Well, Billy's
in a farmhouse ♪
♪ But they killed
the horse instead ♪
♪ Because they thought
he was the one ♪
♪ Billy the Kid ♪
♪ Was shot in the dark ♪
[laughs]
♪ It's so dramatic ♪
And that's
Billy the fucking Kid.
I don't know.
- All right,
let's give it up, man.
That was fucking awesome.
[applause]
- There you go, Billy the Kid.
- Hold your hand out.
Why are you shaking?
- 'Cause I'm about
to shoot a gun.
- Nothing bad will happen here.
- Nothing.
What could possibly go wrong?
- Well...
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- [laughs]
[automatic gunfire]
Okay.
[gunshot]
Aah...
- So, if I'm being attacked by,
what, rabid wolves...
So it's simply a matter of...
[rapid gunfire]
Wanna try it?
- Now I'm scared of you.
[gunshot]
Ooh, yeah.
- Ahh.
All right,
it's time to go to the big boy.
[chamber sliding]
- Oh, my god.
- When you pull the trigger,
it's a semiautomatic.
- [laughs]
- Boom... boom.
[gunshot]
Aah!
[slow motion]
Aah!
[chuckles]
- Let's go shoot some shotguns.
- All right.
[chuckles]
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna
talk about the Alamo
in San Antonio, Texas.
1836... enter William Travis.
Dodged out on a bunch
of business debts,
he abandoned his wife and child
and headed towards Texas
with his slave, Joe.
Jim Bowie, he forged
these documents that he owned
all these grants
in the United States territory.
Jim Bowie's like,
yeah, they're onto me here.
I better get to Texas,
where they're probably
not as smart,
and I'll start doing
the same shenanigans down there.
Congressman Davy Crockett,
everybody loves this guy.
The saying goes,
"he could kill a grizzly bear
with his smile."
Well, as it happens,
he doesn't get elected
for a second term.
And he says, you can go to hell.
I'll go to Texas.
Crockett, Travis, and Bowie
head to Texas to take land.
Mexico owns the territory
of Texas,
and the long-story-short
is these guys
expel a Mexican Army garrison
and they take a mission
for themselves.
And that mission is the Alamo.
And they hole up in the Alamo.
Bowie says, don't worry.
There's no way
the Mexican Army's
coming until spring,
because the winter's too harsh
on these high Mexican deserts.
But they do come.
Santa Anna and his soldiers
arrive in San Antonio.
They're on his land.
And he says
to the Alamo defenders,
surrender now
or you will be killed.
[scoffs]
Bullshit.
Let's fire a cannon shot
at Santa Anna
and let him know
we know business.
And fires a cannon.
And this pisses off Santa Anna.
- I'm not a fella who takes...
Who goes in for hard alcohol
all the time,
but the fact that...
[hiccups]
this scotch smells like
a campfire, I love.
- You like campfires?
- Yeah.
On February 26, 1836,
Santa Anna begins the offensive.
He fires cannon volley
after cannon volley,
beating down the wall
of the Alamo.
This goes on
from February 26, 1836,
to March 5th.
They're tired.
William Travis, in one
of his last letters said,
I keep asking for reinforcements
and nobody's giving me anything.
They send, like, 30 Tejanos,
but I'm screwed.
Could you help me out
a little bit?
Mm, nope.
And then finally,
in the early morning
of March "thix,"
General Santa Anna says,
I will take my breakfast
inside of the walls
of the Alamo.
And prematurely,
one of the soldiers yells,
viva la Santa Anna!
And that alerts
all of the defenders
in the Alamo
that the attack is coming.
William Travis
rallies the troops.
The Mexicans are 1,800 strong
against 200 Alamo defenders
made up of Europeans, Jews,
two slaves, women and children,
and Mexicans who just
want to fight for their land.
There's no way
that they can win this.
[dramatic music]
♪♪
Colonel William Travis,
he runs to the front wall,
and is immediately
shot and killed
in the very first stages
of the attack on the Alamo.
And his slave Joe is like,
well, everybody here
is fighting for a bit of land.
I'm not gonna
get any land, clearly,
so I'm gonna, hmm, not fight.
And he took off.
And myth has it that Jim Bowie
fought to the death.
He must have taken out
30 Mexicans
with his big knife.
The reality is, he had come down
with a case of tuberculosis,
and Jim Bowie was shot
on his deathbed.
Mexican soldiers breached
the wall of the Alamo,
and the Alamo defenders
realize they have to retreat
to the long barracks.
So the Mexicans
enter the barracks and do away
with all of the Alamo defenders
in the barracks.
And General Santa Anna
takes his breakfast
inside the walls of the Alamo.
And Davy Crockett is captured.
[dramatic music]
♪♪
Davy Crockett, great American
[stammers]
mythological leven... legend
is executed that morning.
♪♪
Because of this,
"remember the Alamo"
is used as a rally...
Rallying cry
and Texas becomes a state.
And the thing
that we can take from it
academically, historically...
How does Davy Crockett
like his pie?
- How?
- "A la mode."
- I gotta go.
- Yeah, me too.
[patriotic music]
♪♪
[laughter]
- Teddy Roosevelt rides up
to the front lines
and he says,
I'm going up this hill.
Let's go right here.
- Billy the Kid is the most
legendary outlaw that there is.
Pew, pew, pew.
Whoooa!
- Crockett, Travis, and Bowie
take the Alamo for themselves.
General Santa Anna says,
surrender now
or you will be killed.
[scoffs]
Bullshit.
♪♪
[country guitar music]
- Well, real cowboys came about
at the end of the Civil War...
The cattle drive cowboys,
the one the legend came from.
And everybody thinks
that a cowboy carried
one of these
or maybe two of these.
- They carried multiple guns.
- They would do this, right?
- Well, I wouldn't do that.
- The truth is, only five times
in all of history
did two idiots
face each other in the street,
and when they were
in the street, they were drunk.
- You know, we're working people
and we have a good time,
and that's what
a real cowboy is.
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk about
my favorite President,
Teddy Roosevelt.
Okay.
[chuckles]
In the late 1890s,
President McKinley
has declared war on Spain.
Teddy Roosevelt is the assistant
secretary of the Navy.
The Secretary of War
is a guy named Alger.
Teddy says, Alger,
I wanna go to war.
I think this is what I need
to feel like a man.
And Alger laughed and he said,
okay, man,
if you really want this,
I'll make you Lieutenant Colonel
of the first U.S. Volunteer
Cavalry Regiment.
Teddy Roosevelt says,
there's no one in the world
who's better suited
to being a cavalry officer
than a cowboy.
He's got a big ol' dick.
I spilled this
all over my shirt.
Teddy Roosevelt
went to Texas, Oklahoma,
the Indian territories,
and New Mexico.
Teddy Roosevelt
says to a bunch of cowboys,
guys, what's up?
I need your help.
Spain sucks.
The U.S. Needs to go to war
with Spain.
Let's do this.
The cowboys say,
yeah, we're 100% game.
We know how to ride horses.
The Indians say,
you guys are probably
gonna need trackers.
We're cool.
Like, some of the Apaches
aren't cool with you guys,
but we're cool with you guys.
In addition to the cowboys
and Indians,
Teddy Roosevelt calls up
his old Ivy League buddies
and he says, guys,
I'm going to war with Spain.
I know you guys
are not only super smart
'cause you got
into Ivy League schools,
but you're also super tough
because you play sports.
So, why don't you
join my regiment?
So Teddy Roosevelt
creates this army
of 1,000 Ivy League athletes,
cowboys, and Indians...
The Rough Riders.
[menacing music]
♪♪
Let's go right here.
- Okay, wherever
you're comfortable.
- Yeah.
[guitar twangs]
Okay.
Are we good?
Now, Teddy Roosevelt
and his 1,000 Rough Riders
go to Cuba.
The transport ship
isn't big enough.
300 guys have to stay behind.
Every other guy had
to leave his horse behind.
So these guys land in Cuba,
and they get ambushed.
They're in a valley
between two hills
where the Spanish
have the upper hand.
They're sitting ducks.
Teddy Roosevelt's men
start taking fire.
He loses over 200 of his men
in this 20 minutes.
Teddy Roosevelt rides up
to the second-in-command
of the regular army,
and he says,
we're getting our asses kicked
right now.
The only way we're gonna survive
is if we charge up this hill.
And the second-in-command
of the regular army says,
the Colonel isn't here
to make that call.
I can't let you do that.
And Teddy Roosevelt says,
I am a colonel.
It's my call now.
He rides, unafraid of bullets,
to the front lines.
Here, Teddy Roosevelt is here.
His history and his people
are standing behind him.
He says, I'm gonna go.
I'm going up this hill.
And I'm gonna...
And I'm gonna defeat
these Spanish forces.
Follow me.
And if you turn around,
I will shoot you.
So Teddy Roosevelt
led this charge
and all of the people followed
Teddy Roosevelt up the hill.
They beat back
the Spanish forces.
And the Spanish forces
retreated,
but Teddy Roosevelt
kept charging,
and within two weeks,
Spain surrendered.
When he was 11 years old,
Teddy Roosevelt said,
if I'm gonna be anything,
the thing that I'm gonna be
is a badass.
And that day, he fulfilled
that promise to his young self,
and he became
a fuckin' rock star.
[triumphant music]
♪♪
- Mark?
Mark?
- Uh-huh?
I'm ready, baby.
[patriotic music]
- Billy comes in with a knife.
No one knows who anyone is.
Billy says... [clears throat]
quien es?
Which means,
"who is it? Who is it?"
- Paula, what...
What's your name?
I know it's Paula,
but is there a...
- It's Pistol Packin' Paula.
Both: Pistol Packin' Paula.
- So, this is...
Gun twirling is a...
It's a fun art to do.
It impresses a lot of people.
Yee-haw.
[gunshot]
- Can you show me any,
like, moves,
or is too risky?
- Yeah, I can.
- Is there a technique...
You start it down, or...
- You can... either way.
I mean, I usually just...
But don't drop it.
You know, that's a $1,000 gun
right there.
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna talk about
the legend of Billy the Kid.
Do you want me to do
another one?
- No.
- Hello...
- No. No, we're good.
- Oh, all right.
- We're good.
- He was born William McCarty,
known as Billy the Kid.
As an adolescent,
he stole cheese,
and then he got arrested.
And he escaped
out of an outhouse.
That's when he felt like
he was an outlaw.
You know, these...
These ranch owners
and these land owners
and these sheriffs
were taking water and land
and money
from the Indians, the Mexicans.
And Billy the Kid
is the kind of guy
that would be like, fuck you.
You're not gonna do that.
I'm gonna shoot you
and kill your people...
boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And your sheriffs, maybe.
Pew, pew, pew.
He was loved
by the Hispanic community,
and he apparently had
a lot of Latina women
that loved him.
But, uh... [laughs]
- Did he date any?
- Oh, a lot of 'em.
He loved Latina women.
There was these stories
where he killed
these people, like,
uh, Joe Grant,
who was the local drunk,
apparently, at this bar.
And Billy the Kid
was sitting there
and he didn't recognize him.
He said, if I ever met
Billy the Kid,
I would kill him in cold blood.
I'd murder him.
And he was like, okay.
And so Billy the Kid, he said,
man, I love your ivory handle.
And he turned it
to where there was
one blank on that revolver.
And he said, hey, Joe Grant,
I'm Billy the Kid.
[ominous music]
Oh, really?
And he walked out.
And you hear... [click]
and then Billy the Kid
turned around
and shot that dude in the chin.
[chuckles]
In the chin.
I mean, well, you're an asshole.
Boom, boom, boom.
[playing piano]
And what's crazy
about Billy the Kid,
he could sing in a way
that no one else could sing.
[singing poorly]
Let's try that.
[gibberish]
[laughs]
[mumbling]
Hey, bitch!
[laughs]
I'm, like, a bitch!
No, you're not.
[laughs]
Pat Garrett was the sheriff
and said,
my... my one goal is to get...
I'm gonna get Billy the Kid.
He hunted down Billy the Kid.
So they found him
in a farmhouse,
and they had the whole place
surrounded.
One guy came out and he decided
to go feed the horse,
and they shot him down
and thought that
it was Billy the Kid.
And they were like, we got
Billy the Kid, we got him.
And then they realized
that it wasn't him.
So then they realized
it wasn't him.
And Pat Garrett said,
well, shoot the horse down.
Shoot the horse down.
There's no windows.
There's no exit.
And so they shot the horse down.
And they put the horse,
the dead horse,
in front of the exit.
And they put him
in front of the exit
and no one else could get out.
- Can I get a pee out here?
Is this bad?
- What?
- Me peeing?
- Not at all.
It's your place.
- I'm peeing.
Okay, so I'm peeing.
Well, giddyup.
Billy the Kid,
they found him in a farmhouse
and they surrounded him,
and they started
cooking breakfast.
And they said, hey, Billy, hey.
Come have breakfast with us.
And Billy said, you know what?
He's fucking us, so no,
we're not gonna do that.
And they were like, okay.
So they kept cooking breakfast.
And there was breakfast
for a long time.
And then Billy came out
and said, you know what?
There's no way...
There's nowhere else out.
So we're gonna keep
cooking breakfast.
And Billy came out and said,
you know,
there's no way else out.
So they all
had breakfast together
and Billy got arrested.
Well, Billy the Kid
shoots both of the prison guards
and escapes from jail.
He said, go to hell, bitches.
Go to hell.
Well, go to hell.
Three months later,
Pat Garrett finds
one of his accomplices
and they go to his house.
And Billy comes in at midnight
with a knife.
No one knows who anyone is.
And Billy says... [clears throat]
quien es?
Which means,
"who is it? Who is it?"
Quien es?
Who is it?
Who is it?
And Pat Garrett
recognizes Billy's voice
'cause they knew each other
from back in the day,
and he shoots him three times.
Shoots him twice in the chest
and then he misses once.
It hits the... you know,
above the fireplace.
And he was like, help me.
Help.
Pat Garrett shot Billy the Kid.
I-I wanna say something
about Billy.
This is what Billy was.
This is what Billy was.
[playing guitar poorly]
♪ Billy the Kid ♪
♪ He was an outlaw ♪
♪ And he shot Joe Grant ♪
♪ Well, he shot him
in the jaw ♪
♪ Well, Billy's
in a farmhouse ♪
♪ But they killed
the horse instead ♪
♪ Because they thought
he was the one ♪
♪ Billy the Kid ♪
♪ Was shot in the dark ♪
[laughs]
♪ It's so dramatic ♪
And that's
Billy the fucking Kid.
I don't know.
- All right,
let's give it up, man.
That was fucking awesome.
[applause]
- There you go, Billy the Kid.
- Hold your hand out.
Why are you shaking?
- 'Cause I'm about
to shoot a gun.
- Nothing bad will happen here.
- Nothing.
What could possibly go wrong?
- Well...
- Yeah.
- Come on.
- [laughs]
[automatic gunfire]
Okay.
[gunshot]
Aah...
- So, if I'm being attacked by,
what, rabid wolves...
So it's simply a matter of...
[rapid gunfire]
Wanna try it?
- Now I'm scared of you.
[gunshot]
Ooh, yeah.
- Ahh.
All right,
it's time to go to the big boy.
[chamber sliding]
- Oh, my god.
- When you pull the trigger,
it's a semiautomatic.
- [laughs]
- Boom... boom.
[gunshot]
Aah!
[slow motion]
Aah!
[chuckles]
- Let's go shoot some shotguns.
- All right.
[chuckles]
- Hello.
Today, we're gonna
talk about the Alamo
in San Antonio, Texas.
1836... enter William Travis.
Dodged out on a bunch
of business debts,
he abandoned his wife and child
and headed towards Texas
with his slave, Joe.
Jim Bowie, he forged
these documents that he owned
all these grants
in the United States territory.
Jim Bowie's like,
yeah, they're onto me here.
I better get to Texas,
where they're probably
not as smart,
and I'll start doing
the same shenanigans down there.
Congressman Davy Crockett,
everybody loves this guy.
The saying goes,
"he could kill a grizzly bear
with his smile."
Well, as it happens,
he doesn't get elected
for a second term.
And he says, you can go to hell.
I'll go to Texas.
Crockett, Travis, and Bowie
head to Texas to take land.
Mexico owns the territory
of Texas,
and the long-story-short
is these guys
expel a Mexican Army garrison
and they take a mission
for themselves.
And that mission is the Alamo.
And they hole up in the Alamo.
Bowie says, don't worry.
There's no way
the Mexican Army's
coming until spring,
because the winter's too harsh
on these high Mexican deserts.
But they do come.
Santa Anna and his soldiers
arrive in San Antonio.
They're on his land.
And he says
to the Alamo defenders,
surrender now
or you will be killed.
[scoffs]
Bullshit.
Let's fire a cannon shot
at Santa Anna
and let him know
we know business.
And fires a cannon.
And this pisses off Santa Anna.
- I'm not a fella who takes...
Who goes in for hard alcohol
all the time,
but the fact that...
[hiccups]
this scotch smells like
a campfire, I love.
- You like campfires?
- Yeah.
On February 26, 1836,
Santa Anna begins the offensive.
He fires cannon volley
after cannon volley,
beating down the wall
of the Alamo.
This goes on
from February 26, 1836,
to March 5th.
They're tired.
William Travis, in one
of his last letters said,
I keep asking for reinforcements
and nobody's giving me anything.
They send, like, 30 Tejanos,
but I'm screwed.
Could you help me out
a little bit?
Mm, nope.
And then finally,
in the early morning
of March "thix,"
General Santa Anna says,
I will take my breakfast
inside of the walls
of the Alamo.
And prematurely,
one of the soldiers yells,
viva la Santa Anna!
And that alerts
all of the defenders
in the Alamo
that the attack is coming.
William Travis
rallies the troops.
The Mexicans are 1,800 strong
against 200 Alamo defenders
made up of Europeans, Jews,
two slaves, women and children,
and Mexicans who just
want to fight for their land.
There's no way
that they can win this.
[dramatic music]
♪♪
Colonel William Travis,
he runs to the front wall,
and is immediately
shot and killed
in the very first stages
of the attack on the Alamo.
And his slave Joe is like,
well, everybody here
is fighting for a bit of land.
I'm not gonna
get any land, clearly,
so I'm gonna, hmm, not fight.
And he took off.
And myth has it that Jim Bowie
fought to the death.
He must have taken out
30 Mexicans
with his big knife.
The reality is, he had come down
with a case of tuberculosis,
and Jim Bowie was shot
on his deathbed.
Mexican soldiers breached
the wall of the Alamo,
and the Alamo defenders
realize they have to retreat
to the long barracks.
So the Mexicans
enter the barracks and do away
with all of the Alamo defenders
in the barracks.
And General Santa Anna
takes his breakfast
inside the walls of the Alamo.
And Davy Crockett is captured.
[dramatic music]
♪♪
Davy Crockett, great American
[stammers]
mythological leven... legend
is executed that morning.
♪♪
Because of this,
"remember the Alamo"
is used as a rally...
Rallying cry
and Texas becomes a state.
And the thing
that we can take from it
academically, historically...
How does Davy Crockett
like his pie?
- How?
- "A la mode."
- I gotta go.
- Yeah, me too.
[patriotic music]
♪♪
[laughter]