Drunk History (2013–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Nashville - full transcript

[patriotic music]

- The Lakota "Indrians"
saw Lewis and Clark.

They're like, we're gonna
fuck your shit up.

And so they were like,
oh, we might need

to be dicks about this.

- Now, Williams Jennings Bryan
was so excited.

- Oh, my God...

I'm gonna destroy you
as a witness.

- And Dolly Parton thinks,

"Jolene," that is the name

of a fucking country
and western song!



♪♪

- I mean, have you heard
my accent?

[laughs]

I mean, yeah,
I guess it's pretty evident.

Somebody asks, you know,
hey, man, where you from?

I'm like, man, I'm from
fucking Nashville, dude.

I'm fucking... you know,
where shit's happening.

- Yeah, this is a really,
really big small town.

You see people
on downtown Broadway,

and they've got, like,
giant green-ass cowboy boots

and big fucking hats... they know
how stupid they look.

They don't care.
It's Nashville.

- You are a man.
Holy shit.

- [laughs]
- Thank you, buddy.



That's a fucking cowboy
right there.

- Hello.

Today, we're gonna
talk about Dolly Parton

and Porter Wagoner.

Porter Wagoner had his own
television show in Nashville.

On his show, he sang songs,

and he also had what they called
"a girl singer"

named Norma Jean.

But Norma Jean left the show.

Enter Dolly Parton.

And Dolly Parton just thinks,
oh, shit,

he heard the songs
that I sent him for Norma Jean,

and wants me to write
more songs.

And Porter Wagoner
sits her down and is like,

hey, I want you to be
on my show,

and you'll be the girl singer,
'cause you're a girl.

Over the course
of the next six years,

they just, like, kill it.

13 duet albums, 18 hits,
and everyone loves them.

And she wants to have
a solo career,

but every time
she writes a song,

he's like,
you gotta do it this way.

I'm the boss.
It's my fucking show.

You will do it how I say.

I'm Porter Wagoner.
It's The Porter Wagoner Show.

You're my girl singer.

Okay, I guess I'll follow
along 'cause I have to,

'cause you're the boss.

But her solo...
Like, none of her songs

are doing that well
in her solo career.

And one night,
she signs an autograph

with this little
auburn-haired girl.

She says, hey, darlin',
what's your name?

And the girl says, Jolene.

And she says, Jolene?

Jolene!

Jolene, Jolene.

That is the name of a fucking
country and western song!

And that is her first
huge fucking hit.

Everyone is like,
we like that song.

Dolly Parton.

[laughs] So...

- They clapped.

- But they bought the record.

And now she's gotta tell
Porter Wagoner

she's gotta go
and do her own thing.

And she doesn't know
how to tell him.

So she decides,
I gotta write a song.

Because that's how...
When you're Dolly Parton,

that's how you express yourself.

She sits him down,
and she sings to him.

I will always love you...

I will always love you.

Fact...

It's probably the most
beautiful song

that's ever been written.

And if you... if you listen
to that song,

in the course of that song
she makes this promise

to Porter Wagoner...

I will always love you.

And he says,

that is the most beautiful thing

I've ever heard in my life.

That's the best song
you've ever written.

Of course you can go.

[laughs]
This is so fun.

This is the most fun
I've ever had in my life.

I'm gonna literally Instagram
this shit right now.

Where's my phone?

She goes to New York City,

and she walked straight
into the RCA offices.

Yeah, it's me, Dolly Parton.

Here's what's about to happen.

I'm leaving
The Porter Wagoner Show.

I'm getting brand-new producers.

I will be bridging
country music and pop.

I'm gonna be in movies.

Are you in, or are you out?

Back me or back the fuck off.

And they're all like,
cool, we're in.

Yeah.
Absolutely, we're in.

Yeah, you're... yeah,
you're fucking Dolly Parton.

Yeah, great.
Let's do this shit.

And she does exactly what
she said she would do

to those RCA executives.

She starts recording pop music.

And Porter Wagoner...

Porter Wagoner
only thought about himself.

Porter Wagoner
sues Dolly Parton.

Basically says,
I want 15% of what you did,

I want 15% of what you're doing,

and I want 15%
of what you're gonna do.

And Dolly Parton is like, fuck!

Porter Wagoner, just chill.

Chill out, man!

So she's like,
let's settle out of court.

And Wagoner's like,
cool, I'll take $1 million.

I'd like $1 million.

What does she do next?

Um, only makes her first movie.

Dolly Parton is making 9 to 5.

She's making Best Little
Whorehouse in Texas.

She's crushing it.

Porter Wagoner,
during this time,

he's off blowing money.

He's giving jewelry out to the
women and shit like crazy.

He buys a fucking orange grove!

He owes the IRS $500,000.

But Dolly Parton made a promise
to Porter Wagoner

that she would always love him.

And she did...

and buys his entire
music catalogue from him

for millions of dollars.

She helped him out
when he was destitute.

Finally, when he gets back
on his feet,

Porter Wagoner tries
to buy his music catalogue back

from Dolly.

And she sends him a fax,
and the fax just says,

you can have it all back
for free.

Love you, Dolly.

[off-key note]

Oh, boy.
I am real drunk.

In 2007, Dolly Parton
has a premonition

that she needs to go
to Porter Wagoner.

Porter Wagoner was dying.

She went to his death bed.

She sang to him.

[off-key banjo note]

[singing wildly off-key]
♪ But I know ♪

♪ I'll think of you ♪

♪ Each step of the way ♪

♪ And I-I... ♪

♪ Will always love you ♪

And she lived up to that promise

until his, and I'm sure to her,

dying day.

- Williams Jenning Bryan says,

you scumbag!

You know what a fucking scumbag
you're being right now!

[laughs]

- If you go and get
a science textbook in Tennessee,

you still have an off chance
of getting a sticker

that is right over the part
that says "evolution."

I mean, we're not backwards,
but people are religious.

- Hello.

Today, we're going to talk about
the Scopes Monkey Trial.

[slurping]

In 1925, in Dayton, Tennessee,

the economy was tanking.

George Rappleyea was a lawyer.

One day, he saw an open letter
in the newspaper.

The ACLU,
which is a new organization,

offers to represent any teacher

that wants to challenge
the new Tennessee state law

that forbids the teaching
of evolution.

This gives George an idea.

Hey, if someone locally
challenged this law,

it could become the trial
of the century,

and it could help the economy
in our shitty little town

that nobody knows about.

George Rappleyea,
who I want to call "apple yay,"

because it's the only way
I can remember his name.

Apple.
Yay!

But his name is Rappleyea.

- Right.
- Don't call him "apple yay."

Okay, I call him Rappleyea.

So they pitch this idea
to John Scopes,

of the Scopes Monkey Trial.

Isn't it terrible
that there's this law?

You're a science teacher.

- Yeah.
I'm a football coach.

I also took... [laughs]

I'm a football coach.
I also teach a little science.

And I personally believe
in evolution.

The ACLU, they hire
the greatest defense attorney

probably ever... Clarence Darrow.

Public schools should
teach science and facts.

That's... that's what I think.

William Jennings Bryan
comes in to fight

for the Tennessee state
statute, which he inspired.

You can't teach evolution.

Yeah, legally,
you can't teach it.

On the first day
of the Scopes Monkey Trial,

Williams Jenning Bryan...

Why does that not sound like
I'm saying it right?

Williams...

Jenning...

Bryan...

says to the court,

if evolution wins,
Christianity goes.

And to that,
Clarence Darrow argued that,

Scopes isn't on trial.

Civilization is on trial.

[clicks tongue]

This was like a boxing match.

This was the trial
of the century,

and for the first time,
people were able to hear a trial

on their radios.

There was a point in the trial

in which Clarence Darrow
asked scientists to explain

the theory of evolution.

But the judge
in the Scopes Monkey Trial

was John Raulston,
and he believed,

I have been called on by God

to be the judge in this case.

So I don't care what all
these scientists have to say.

They can't give testimony.

So Clarence Darrow decided,

okay, all of my witnesses,
they can't give testimony,

so I'll ask someone
who's an expert on the Bible

to give the testimony.

Hey...[laughs]
William Jennings Bryan.

I know you're on
the other side of this case,

but why don't you go
on the witness stand?

And I'll question you
about the Bible.

Now, Williams Jenning Bryan
was so excited about this.

He was like, oh, my God.

I'm gonna destroy you
as a witness.

I will go on the witness stand.

Now, the judge didn't want him
to do this.

The judge was presi...
Prejudential.

[laughs]

[laughing]

When Clarence Darrow puts
William Jennings Bryan

on the Bible, he asks,

do you believe all the stories
of the Bible literally?

And the first answer
of Williams Jenning Bryan is,

yes, the Bible is literal.

I believe in it literally.

And then, asking him
specific questions...

Where did Cain's wife come from?

He made Adam and Eve,
and then all of a sudden

there are other people,
and Cain finds a wife.

Where did... where did Cain's
wife come from?

Williams Jenning Bryan
gets flustered and says,

well, I-I leave that
up to you agnostics to find out.

That's all Clarence Darrow
needed.

So you're not interpreting
the Bible literally.

Clarence Darrow
goes on to destroy

Williams Jenning Bryan on facts.

- Are you still spinning,
or how do you feel?

- Well, I'm...

I'm dizzy.
- Mm-hmm.

- I feel weird.

I feel like I think I know
where I'm going, and then,

I get utterly confused about

where I thought I was going.

[sighs] I know...

I'm gonna get Facebook
responses for this.

This was the complete
destruction

of Williams Jenning Bryan.

And Williams Jenning Bryan
looks like a fool.

But Williams Jenning Bryan
knows,

I have the most amazing
closing argument to make.

- So the entire country
listening to the radio agrees

Clarence Darrow
just mopped the floor...

[laughs]
with Williams Jenning Bryan.

But Williams Jenning Bryan has

the most amazing
closing argument to make.

Unfortunately for him,
Clarence Darrow also knows

that he probably has a pretty
amazing closing argument.

So when the judge asks,
Clarence Darrow says,

I don't want to make
a closing argument.

By law...

[laughs]
Williams Jenning Bryan

now cannot make
his closing argument.

He was like, you scumbag!

You know what a fucking scumbag
you're being right now.

He was just humiliated,

and now he can't even make
the closing argument

he's been working on
for the entire trial.

Because he knew that,
at least in the minds

of those listening to the trial
on the radio,

he had won,
and that's all he wanted.

Because he knew
he was gonna lose.

He wanted to lose so that
a higher court could decide

on this bigger law.

Six days after the trial,
Williams Jenning Bryan died,

and the press reported that
Williams Jenning Bryan

didn't die of diabetes,

he died of a broken heart.

- Do you think they were right?

- No, I think he died
of diabetes.

- [laughs] Perfect ending.

- [laughs]

- What comes to mind
about Lewis and Clark?

- Hey, man, they made
the fucking trip!

I wish I had enough balls
to fucking walk that far

and do what they done, you know?

I mean, that's hard-core.

Both: Hello.

Today, we're gonna talk
about Lewis and Clark.

- So Thomas Jefferson
was president.

He's like, yeah,
I'm gonna take...

I'm gonna double the expanse
of America.

I don't know what's out there.
- Yeah.

- I have no idea.
- Well, what is out there?

- I'm gonna buy it.

So he bought it, and then he had
this dude who was his friend

named...
- Meriwether Lewis.

- Jefferson is telling them,
we bought this land.

Explore it.
Make me a map.

Here's your deal.

- Like a bank, make friends
with the fucking Indians.

- Here's the deal
with Meriwether Lewis, though.

He was such a bummer.
- [belches]

- He was such a bummer.
- He was such a bummer.

So Lewis is tasked
with picking a partner,

and he picked Clark.

Uh, Lewis says, like,

there's no one
I would rather explore

this fucked up territory with
than you.

They wanted to find
a waterway passage

to the Pacific Ocean.

So they started in Missouri.

- They're seeing these
beautiful fucking,

like, valleys and rivers
and mountains

and gorgeous rock faces
and valleys,

and these crazy plains
that go on forever.

And there they fucking are.

- So they were like,
this is ours now

because we bought it
from the fucking French.

- So they're on the river,
and they hear,

the next tribe over
are assholes!

- They're... dude.
They're total dicks.

I remember this, yeah.

- The Lakota "Indrians"
saw Lewis and Clark,

and they were ready
to kill them.

They were like,

we're gonna fuck your shit up.

And so they were like,
oh, we might need

to be dicks about this.

- The chief of the Lakota tribe
sees that it's about to be

a stab-on-stab brawl
at the riverbank,

and he says, everyone chill out.

Chill out.
You know what?

You guys can stay, as long as
the women and children

come and look at you.

- Ew, that's creepy.

- They were able to stay
with the Lakota tribe

for almost two weeks.

And so each
of Lewis and Clark's men

got, like, four wives.
- Yeah, they were like,

later days,
I'm gonna go check out these...

- Like, hookers.
- All the hooker wives.

- And sure enough,
everyone on the expedition...

- They got fucking crazy STDs.

- Crazy VD.
And Lewis,

he would have to give them
a mercury tonic.

- Mercury on your genitals!
Come on!

- It's crazy poisonous!

- I don't mean to,
like, complain,

but that sounds awful.

They'd gone 1,000 miles.

They still had 1,000 miles more

before they even got
to the coast.

And they stop at the Hidatsa
and Mandan tribes.

One particular squaw...

Her name was Sukod-go-weeya...

She was 16 years old.
- Let's call her Sacagawea.

- Here's the deal,
Sukod-go-weeya,

she joined Corps of Discovery

along with her French
fur trader husband,

who maybe won her in a bet.

She said,

I'm the only person
that speaks any language,

I'm pregnant as fuck,

I'm gonna have this baby,
I'm gonna help you.

Oh, no, I'm starting
to get the spins.

Do you have the spins?
- No, I'm good.

- I do.
- So we... the man...

So the Mandan tribe
was very kind to the...

Lewis and Clark tribe.

They got to the source
of the Missouri River,

which was like a trickle.

[sneezes hard and laughs]
Okay.

- Bless you.
- Thank you.

Where is the Northwest Passage?

This is the source
of the Missouri River?

Are you kidding?

I've been following this
for 1,000 fucking miles!

- Wait, wait, wait.
[makes sad trombone sound]

Meriwether, are you okay?

- They realized at that point,

they saw mountains
upon mountains upon mountains.

They had to get horses.

- Ah, this is a fucking great
epic journey!

[indistinct chatter]

- Really?
Two fingers?

Oh, one.
Oh, okay, one.

Okay, good.
- Just onesies.

- Mm-hmm.

On his 31st birthday,

Lewis wrote in his journal that,

I have not done enough
for the American people.

I have not made myself proud.

He felt like he hadn't
done anything of worth.

- And that sucks.

He should be stoked
on his life, and he's not.

He's fucking depressed as shit.

Which I fucking get
as a human in Los Angeles.

- They finally, finally...
After what, like, two years...

They find the shore of Oregon.

It was an ocean unlike
anything they expected.

And they are weeping with tears.

Like, oh, oh, exclamation party!

Joy!
- Oh, joy!

The sea!
- We found it.

We found the sea.

- Who gives a shit?

- [laughs] You're so drunk!

- You're drunk,
you fucking whore.

- They came back afterward,
and when they got back,

it was like, yay!

- But you didn't do
this one thing.

Madison was like this:

Can... can you real quick
go fuck yourself?

- He essentially was like,
give me the journals.

No, you cannot have money.

And Lewis was like,
I can't deal with this!

- So Meriwether Lewis
is in a cabin in Tennessee,

and he just gives up.

And then,
two gunshot wounds later...

[gunshots] he's dead.

- I think Meriwether Lewis...

Lewis Meriwether...
Killed himself.

- Personally, I think Meri...
Meriwether Lewis was killed.

Who shoots themselves twice
in the head?

- Manic depressives.
- Explain to me...

how someone shoots themself
twice in the fucking head.

- Well, you do this.

You sit in a fucking dumbass
cabin in Tennessee...

- Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

- And you think, I didn't do
shit with my life.

- Sure, sure, sure.

- Clark, my best friend, has
a wife and kids named after me.

- Yeah, yeah. Oh, it's crazy.
- I have nothing.

People think I'm gay.
- So, like, I'm good.

- You shoot yourself
in the head.

- I'm good. I'm done.
I'm good.

- I feel like Lewis is like
if Morrissey had a blog

and a canoe.
[laughter]

[dramatic music]

♪♪

Don't know how my shirt
became totally unbuttoned.

I didn't...
I didn't unbutton a button.

- Oh, you're gonna say
we did it, right?

- None of them are buttoned.
- Legal.

- Thanks, button fairy.

Ugh.
- Here's the thing.

Who gives a fuck?