Drunk History (2013–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - New York City - full transcript

- The French people want
to give you a giant statue.

And they said, "Eh, we're good."

I'm not eating Play-Doh.

- The British are coming,

And if you're not coming,
then you're a motherfucker.

This is the moment
where I'm like,

"Oh, I really am drunk."

- I will go
into the insane asylum

and give you
a really good report.

You're crazy.

Yes, you're crazy.



♪♪

- If you want to learn a lot
in, like, one week,

come to New York, you know?

The concrete jungle
where dreams are made of.

We walk the walk.
We talk the talk.

We get it done.

Welcome to the capital
of the world.

- I love New York.

Born and raised
in the Bronx, man.

The best pastrami ever.

That Boar's Head stuff?
Forget about it.

It's garbage.

- Give me your cool, your poor,

your sick, your hungry,
your tired.



- "Your cool"?

Yeah.

- Cheers.
- New York.

♪ New York ♪
- To the cool.

- ♪ New York ♪

- All right, I'm gonna give you
an arm, the arm of the torch.

- Of the torch.
- Yeah.

This is the gist.

Hold on.

- This is the gist
of the arm, right?

If you care about America,
you'll see this

for what it's meant to be.

A Smurf dick.

- All right.

Hello.

Today we're gonna stalk about
the Statue of liver...

Liberty.

We have the Statue of Liberty
today because of a man named

Frederic Bartholdi,
a sculptor in France.

One day he was sitting down
with his buddy who was like,

"Hey, it's 1865.

"The United States is turning
100 fucking years old.

"Someone's gonna give them
a gift for their 100th birthday.

It should be France."

And Bartholdi's like,
"Fuck, yeah.

This sounds fucking amazing.
Yeah."

And Bartholdi comes up
with this idea of this giant

300-foot statue of a stoic woman
made entirely of copper,

holding a golden torch
to represent liber...

Shit.

That's a tough...
It's a tough word.

- It is.
- Liberty.

- Yeah.

- So Bartholdi has
a sit-down with Congress.

The French people want
to give you a giant statue.

Like, giant.

And whenever people come into
the port of New York Harbor,

the first thing
they're gonna see is,

like, like, uh, uh, like,
a 300-foot-high statue.

And they said, "Eh, we're good."

I mean, that's...
It's in-fucking-sane.

Bartholdi can't believe it.

I-I just want
to give you guys a gift.

Like, this is... I'll make it.

The French will pay for it.

You don't have to do shit.

And Congress said,
"Here's the thing."

"You're French."

"The French are kind of pussies.

"And the French
are kind of dicks.

And the French
are kind of not Americans."

So Bartholdi
goes back to France.

He's like, "Fuck this.

"Fuck America.

"Whether they take it or not
is their problem.

My problem is I need to complete
a 300-foot copper statue."

I'm gonna have to use
the bathroom again in a sec.

- Doesn't it suck having a dick?

- No. No.

- It doesn't suck having a dick?

I love having a dick.

- So, by 1876,

the 100-year anniversary
of the United States,

all he has
done is an arm holding a torch.

But the American people
are like, "Holy shit.

"This is fucking great.

"Like, I wonder what this
entire statue is gonna

look like when it's done."

And Congress goes, "All right,

we will accept your gift."

Bartholdi is over the moon.

Oh, this is so great.
Thank you so much.

We should probably talk
about the pedestal.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on a second.

What are you talking
about, "pedestal"?

I need a pedestal
to put my statue on.

And the United States Congress
says, "Uh, fuck no.

I'm not paying for shit."

Bartholdi is furious.

I'm going through
all this trouble,

and you won't even give me
a place to put my statue?

And Congress says,
"That's fucking right."

- I love Play-Doh.

- The thing is...
Here's the thing.

Bartholdi is still building,
and eventually a statue is done.

And it's just sitting here,
but there's nowhere to put it.

- Watch it.

- It's not expensive.

It's around that time that an
American named Joseph Pulitzer

steps in and says,
"This is fucking crazy.

"We won't accept it?

"What is going on?

All we have to give him
is a place to put it."

So Pulitzer mounts
a totally new campaign.

Look, fuck Congress.
Forget the President.

I think we should build
this pedestal.

If you agree,
I want you to give some money.

Doesn't have to be a lot.

Even if you give a penny, I'll
print your name in my newspaper.

And the American people
step up all over the country

sending 5 cents, 10 cents,
50 cents.

120,000 people donate,
and Pulitzer's going,

"Yeah. Yeah.

"My fucking newspaper.

Yeah."

And eventually they have
this pedestal built.

- You know what
I used to do as a kid?

I loved eating Play-Doh.

- Did you really?
- Oh, yeah.

Mmm.

- That's fucking terrible.

I'm not eating Play-Doh.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

Anyways, the Statue of Liberty
is unveiled

to the American people with
Bartholdi on the torch balcony.

Like, look at this shit.

Look at this fucking...

Oh, my God.

- Come on.
That's the fucking arm.

- You can't get it
out of your teeth.

Stay tuned
for more Drunk History.

- Let's go.

Let's go get these assholes.

Let's make it happen.

Damn it.

I was doing such a good job.

- Are you a fan of Paul Revere?
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, he was the best.

- You know that there was
a 16-year-old girl who did

exactly what Paul Revere did,
except he did 20 miles

of letting everyone know
the Redcoats were coming,

and she did 40 miles.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Oh, see?

I love history.

I love it.

- Hi, Suzi.
- Hi, Derek.

All right, let's do it.

Oh.
- Watch your head.

- We're good.
- Hello.

Today we're gonna talk
about Sybil Luning...

Today we're gonna talk
about Sybil Ludington,

who did the midnight ride

that you haven't heard about,

but you will, right?

So it's early on
in the Revolution,

and the British are tearing
through the Colonies.

Blap, blap.

Kggh!

Sybil Ludington
just had her 16th birthday.

Her dad, Henry Ludington,

is the head
of the local militia,

fending off the British.

So on this particular night,

she's tucking in her brothers
and sisters,

and all of a sudden,
ka-ka, ka-ka.

There's a knock on the door.

This man is at the door...
Oh, my God.

He's so out of breath.

The British are burning
Danbury, Connecticut.

Okay. Okay, so Henry Ludington
is like,

"I need to go knock
on every door,

get our militia,
and save our country."

Well, here's the thing, though.

I have to stay here
to, like, rally the troops

and make the plan.

It's not like you can
send an e-vite out.

So who's gonna do it?

"I'll do it,"
comes a peep from the night.

Hey.

Blah, blah.

I got it.

Sybil comes peep-peep-peeping
down the night,

and her dad's like,
"She's 16 years old.

"She's a girl.

"It's a fucking
hard-ass night outside.

"It's 40 miles.

"Well, shit.
We don't have a better option.

So, yeah,
we're gonna let her do it."

She sets out into the night.

So guess what happens.

It starts raining.

Well, snap.
It's raining.

It's, like, wind-y trails
and boulders.

She grabs a stick, and
she's... cha-cha... whacking it

on all the doors she passes by.

Ka-ka-ka.

She's like,
"The British are coming!

"If you... the British are coming!

"You have to follow me.

"Come back to the Ludington's.

"And if you're not coming,
then you're a motherfucker.

Go! Go! Go!"

This is the moment
where I'm like,

"Oh, I really am drunk."

So she rounds a corner,

and suddenly this asshole
jumps out of the bushes.

Stop your horse.

You know, give me your purse
or whatever.

She's like, "All I have
is this stick, so..."

Aah, and just flap,
flap, flap, flap, flap, flap.

Flaps him in the neck.

You know?
Do you know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, classic flap
in the neck.

- Yeah.

As it came out,
it sounded weird,

but you know what I mean.

She just fucks him up,
keeps going, don't have time,

have to round up militiamen.

She gets to every house
on the route

spread out over 40 miles.

400 people follow her back

to Henry Ludington's home,

and he is like,
"Oh, my goodness.

"You did it.
Let's go.

"Let's go get these assholes.

Let's make it happen."

Damn it.

I was doing such a good job.

Okay, so here comes
Henry Ludington's militia.

And they beat back the British,

and they were like,
"This is the deal.

"And there you go.

"And there you stay.

"And there you went.

And bye-bye-bye, Charlie."

So a couple weeks go by.

Holy shit.
Whew.

Life is back to normal.

Ba-ba-ba-ba.

There's a knock on the door.

And standing at the door

is George Washington.

And he's like, "I'm here
to give a congratulations

to the best effort
I've seen ever."

Henry Ludington is like,
"You're welcome, sir."

And George Washington's like,
"Uh-uh-uh-uh.

"Stand aside.

"I'm here to see
Sybil Ludington..."

who did that amazing ride."

Sybil, from the woodwork,
comes out.

Oh, yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

I don't know why in that part

she had a British accent,

but he was like,
"You are the best.

"You did it.

"I can't ask
for a better spirit of force

"from anyone,

and huzzah."

And that's... yeah.

Huzzah.

20 miles is what
Paul Revere rode,

and then double it, and that's
what Sybil Ludington did,

which is 40 miles.

That's the whole thing.
Period.

End of history,
and that's the deal.

And that's the whole...

♪ Naa-savenya ♪

- The nurses would just beat
the shit out of people.

Hitting them like crazy.

And Nellie Bly was like,
"Aw, shit.

That ain't cool.
I'm gonna write that down."

- The entrepreneurs
who shaped this country

are kind of brawlers, and that's
the beauty of New York.

It's such a brawling town.

Usually in a fight,
after it's done,

that mess,
that cacophony of fists,

you're sort of part of a group.

And that group
is who built America.

- I'm gonna do a shot
to get, like, fucked.

Good call.

- Hello, I'm gonna tell you
about Nellie Bly,

a very good journalist
from the 1880s

who did an exposé

on the world of mental illness.

Nellie Bly was
a very strong-minded woman.

She gets a load of a column
from a local Pittsburgh paper,

and it's super sexist.

The article was like, "Chicks
got to stay in the kitchen.

"Girls got to... why even bother
being educated

when you just got to get married
and have babies?"

And she was like,
"Fuck this guy.

"Girls are better
than being in the kitchen,

"being wives, and sewing shit.

"I'm super smart, and I'm gonna
show you I'm super smart

"just to prove that, like,

women are awesome."

So Nellie...

So Nellie Bly went
to New York City,

and she knocked on every
newspaper door in the city,

and who answered the door
but Joseph Pulitzer himself.

And he's like, "Listen,
I don't take you seriously.

"But I have an assignment.

"I want you to pretend
to be crazy and get committed

"to the insane asylum
in New York City,

Blackwell's Island."

Nellie Bly said,
"Okay, I'll do it.

And he was like, "What?

And she was like, "I will go
into the insane asylum

and give you
a really good report."

Right?

Right, right?

Fuck that dog.

Oh, God, some people have
a lot of fucking labs,

and they're great.

This thing's a piece of shit.

All right, so Nellie Bly, she
never saw a crazy person before,

so she went in front of a mirror
and made funny faces, like...

See this face?
The face?

She had no idea
what crazy people say.

She was like, "Okay,
this is how I'm gonna be crazy."

Nah!

She goes to this bo...
This boarding house.

Listen, everybo... every... listen,

everybo... every lady
at this boarding house with me.

I am crazy, okay?

What?

- What?
Oh, you're crazy.

Nellie, you're crazy.

You're crazy.

Yes, you're crazy.

The head mistress is like,

"I'm gonna send her
to the insane asylum."

And Nellie Bly was like, "Yes.

"This is working.

This is super working for me.
I'm super happy."

And she finds herself
on Blackwell's Island.

Um...

I'm drunk as shit.

Whoo!

So she was examined by a doctor.
"Like, how tall is she?"

And the nurse would be like,

"Come and look at how tall
this Nellie is."

And the doctor would say, like,

"What are you doing
after we measure Nellie Bly?"

After the nurse and doctor
flirted for, like, a half hour,

the doctor's like, "Oh, my God.

"This Nellie Bly,
she is a crazy, crazy person

that needs to be here forever."

And Nellie Bly was like, "F... Yes!

I'm so happy.
I'm such a good journalist."

She started to see how shitty
the conditions were.

The nurses would just beat
the shit out of people.

Knock them in their ears.

Hitting them like crazy.

Like, you women are all crazy,
and you suck.

And Nellie Bly was like,
"Aw, shit.

"That ain't cool.
I'm gonna write that down.

These ladies are gonna get
a word from me."

She sees perfectly sane women
who just don't speak English.

The doctors were like,
"We don't speak German.

You're crazy."

"You go to the asylum for life."

And there was a woman,

she was like, "I just got
a little overwhelmed.

I'm not crazy."

And they were like,
"This woman is in... so insane.

"There's nothing we can do
but keep her locked up at this

in-sylum forever."

The insane asylum was horrible.

And then there's the... the baths.

The nurses would just scrub
the shit out of them,

and Nellie Bly would be like,

"This kind of hurts
a little bit.

She was like, "You be quiet,
or I will... I will...

"I will make you wish
you never said anything to me.

I'll scrub you so hard."

- Wow.

- I got at least
two bathing suits.

Should we put them on
and get in the tub?

- Really?

- You don't have the balls
to get in the tub with me

with a bathing suit, do you?

- Joseph Pulitzer's like,
"Hey, guess what, dummies.

She wasn't insane."

And they were like, "Oh, no!

We're exposed!"

I got some Trader Joe
yogurt containers

that we can pour over our heads.

Ah.

Look to the ceiling, Derek.

Look to... oh, it's so much
more pleasant to pour water

over your heads than my son.

He makes such a fuss.

This is such a delight.

Nellie Bly had to take baths

with, like, the dirt
of 45 other girls on her,

and it was freezing cold.

She had this horrible

ten days in an insane asylum.

And then Joseph Pulitzer's like,

"Hey, guess what, dummies.

"Like, this crazy wave girl
was my sweet reporter,

"and she, um...

And she..."

"She wasn't insane."

And they were like, "Oh, no!

We're exposed!"

And she wrote an article
that exposed everybody.

All of a sudden,
money was flowing like crazy

to mental-health institutions.

She changed the world
of mental health.

Nellie Bly was one of the first
great American feminists

that said,
"Listen, stupid 1880s guys

"with giant moustaches connected
to their stupid sideburns,

women are really cool."

That is basically how it went
except less kissing.

Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no.

I love it.

- I was, like, waiting
to come in...

- Blooper reel.

Love having a penis.