Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 3, Episode 3 - Spelling Applebee's - full transcript

[CHEERFUL WHISTLING
AND MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHIMPERS]

[MUSIC STOPS] Ah hah hah hah!

Goddamn it! Get
your own damn food!

Ohh, I can't.

Every time I go to
the lunch store,

I pass by a really mean bully

who makes me give him
all my lunch money.

Do you want me to go
the store with you?

Yes.

[CHEERFUL WHISTLING
AND MUSIC PLAYING]



So, where is this bully?

[MUSIC STOPS] [COINS CLINK]

Him? He's just a homeless guy.

[SIGHS] Come on.

Spare some change for a vet?

Ecch. Get a job.

You're right. I suck.

[CHEERFUL WHISTLING
AND MUSIC PLAYS]

[GRUNTING]

[NARRATING] Seeing Clara
so brave, so strong,

unlocked feelings inside me,

feelings that I normally
reserved for socks

filled with warm
mashed potatoes.

But now, they were all for her.



You are so dead after school.

[CHOMP]

Ah hah hah!

House mates, report to the holodeck
for an important announcement.

FOXXY: Ooh! We could be
anywhere in the universe.

Computa, make it look like, um…

[GASPS] Our living room!

[GASPS] Oh, man.

That's great. That's fancy.

Ehh. It looks fake.

P.A.: House mates, tomorrow
you'll compete in a spelling bee

for a chance to win a gift
certificate to Applebee's.

[ALL CHEER]

I'd give Spanky's left testicle
for an Applebee's coupon.

Too late. I already gave that
testicle to my one true love,

cancer.

Spelling bee?

I am sorry. Uh-uh.

Like a cloud over the desert,

I refuse to participate.

Foxxy, is this because
you can't read?

Because if so,

ah ha ha ha!

Ee hee hee hee ha ha ha!

No, assho'.

I can read and write real good.

I was once the best
speller in the land.

[APPLAUSE]

JUDGE: Miss love, for the win

and your sixth consecutive
spelling bee championship,

your word is "knickers."

[SNICKERING]

Would you please
repeat that word?

"Knick-ers."

Use it in a sentence.

"It's wrong to mix
whites with coloured

[SLOW MOTION] Knick-ers."

You racist son of a bitch!

The Foxxy swore she would never
spell any word correctly ever again.

Well, that explains Foxxy's
obsession with Malcolm Q.

[RIMSHOT]

[ROOSTER CROWS]

Hmm?

Oh.

"If you want to
see your cat again,

you will go out with me."

[GASPS]

Captain Hero, did
you write this?

Um, if I did, would
you want to go out?

I don't know, hero.

We're room-mates.
It could get messy.

Take out the cat.

[GUNSHOT, CAT YOWLS]

[GASPS] Oh, my god!

You killed Mrs. Fluffybutt!

Oh, I'd kill any number
of innocent things

for just one date with you.

Aw, that's so romantic.

No one has ever felt strongly
enough to kill for me.

So, like, you will
go out with me?

Yes.

[GIDDY] Oh, yay, yay, yay!

[SERIOUS] Mission
accomplished, Xandir.

[RADIO CRACKLES]

[DRAMATIC FILM
NOIR MUSIC PLAYING]

[WATCH ALARM, MUSIC STOPS]

[GASPS] I'm gonna be late
for the spelling bee!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

Uh, d-o…

G.

Cat! [BUZZER]

[SIGHS] Oh, no. Close.

But that's not the correct
spelling of "centrifuge."

[POP]

[LAUGHING]

[PEANUTS THEME PLAYING]

We're getting killed out there.

Where's Foxxy?

Hey, barkeep, is that the Drawn
Together spelling bee? Turn it up.

Welcome back to the Drawn Together
peanuts gang spelling bee.

Like conjoined twins, these
teams are going head-to-head,

and only one will survive.

Survive? What are you
talking about, fred?

Yeah! I scheduled the
surgery for Saturday.

Sorry you had to
find out this way.

Those Drawn Together kids

are really gettin'
their asses kicked.

[SLURPS] Ohh.

Hey, ain't you 5-time world
spelling bee champion, the Foxxy?

I was, the once,

ââ. But I can't risk
hurtin' anybody no Mo'

Foxxy, you can't run
away from your problems,

unless your problems are
with some kind of tortoise.

Heh heh. [CHUCKLES]

[DOOR CREAKS]

[MUSIC SWELLS]

I gotta go. [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Hey, hey, hey, quiet down.
It's the final round.

Ling-Ling, unless you
spell this word correctly,

the peanuts gang
will be the champs.

Your word is…

"L."

[EYELIDS FLUTTER]

[POP]

[PEANUTS THEME PLAYING]

[CHEERING]

Oh, yeah!

We beat you worse than
Linus' dad beats him.

You'll protect me,
won't you, blue blanket?

Applebee's, here we come.

Not so fast, peanut.

Aaah! Uhh!

Don't forget about the Foxxy.

[ALL CHEERING]

Huzah! She's back!

I am ready for my word.

OK, then, for the win,

your word is "illogical,"

as in, "you being
allowed to compete"

after someone else has already
won is highly illogical."

Illogical, y'all.

I-l-l-o-g-i-c-a-l, y'-a-l-l.

Illogical, y'all.

Congratulations, Drawn Together.

You've won.

[CHEERING] [POPPING]

You got some real talent.

Really? Why, thank you,

uh, "Mr. Ham."

Stick with me,

and you'll be the biggest
thing to come out of spelling

since tori's fat head.

Why you dissin' on Tori?

She knows what she did.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[PIANO PLAYING]

CAPTAIN HERO: At last, it was the
night of my big date with Clara,

and I wanted everything
to go perfectly.

Oh. Ooh. Shoot.

Uh, a thousand pardons.

Allow me, milady.

Get off me!

It was as if everything on the date
that could have gone wrong did.

Oh, I have the worst luck.

Captain Hero, take me home.

What, you're not having fun?

You're making out
with our waiter.

Shh. Don't be mean to him,
or he'll spit in our food.

Uhh!

[UNZIPS ZIPPER]

ANNOUNCER: Congratulations,
Keith franklin,

winner of the get
drawn in sweepstakes.

You're on Drawn Together.

I'm so sorry.

I don't wanna speak
to you ever again.

This isn't the way I
pictured our date at all.

I pictured it more like this.

Ohh, what was I thinking?

I don't deserve someone
as great as you,

just like I don't deserve to wear
the tie my father was buried in.

Guhh!

MAN: Look out!
It's a clip-on tie!

[TIRES SKID, CRASH]

Oh. Oh, my.

[VEHICLES CRASHING]

[MOANS]

Yeah.

[MOANING]

[SCREAMS]

[MOANS]

[SIGHS]

I'll have what she's having.

CAPTAIN HERO: My date
with Clara was wonderful.

And even better, I learned she had a
secret sexual fetish for car crashes.

I hope we can do this again.

[GIDDY SIGH]

We started going out a lot,

and I think Clara
really liked me.

I was more excited than a passed
out college girl in my bedroom.

[CRASH]

CLARA: Oh, yeah.

[MOANS, PANTS]

[CRASH]

[CAR ALARM BLARING] Ohh! Yeah!

[WAILING]

[TIRES SKID]

[SIGHS] Yeah. Hoo.

Oh, Clara, I have to
tell you something,

3 beautiful words that have
been swelling in my heart.

[CELL PHONE RINGS] Where you at?

Ooh, you guys are having beers
at the triplex parking lot?

Of course I'm in.
Come pick me up.

[WHEELS SKID]

I'm gonna go hang out with my friends now.
Call you later.

But what about those 3 words
I was going to tell you?

[PEELS OUT]

No…

Fat…

Chicks.

Uh, t-r…

Come on, bitch!

What's wrong?

Not knowing how to
spell got your tongue?

Uhh! I quit! [SOBBING]

Foxxy love, you are the new
world champ of spelling.

[NARRATING] With
Spanky by my side,

I spelt my way back to the top.

Mama was right.

Spelling is something you
never forget how to do,

like stealin' a bike.

CROWD, CHANTING: Foxxy,
Foxxy, Foxxy, Foxxy, Foxxy.

Foxxy love, it's true what
everybody is saying about you.

You're the new not-as-pretty

ghetto Anna Kournikova of
spelling bees, not tennis.

[CHEERING]

I just wanna thank the lord, Jesus
Christ, my saviour for this award.

Don't give that bitch a statue.

Give her some balls.

[CROWD GASPS]

What did you say, Hadji?

You heard me, chump.

I am the number one
spelling bee contender,

but you're too
scared to face me.

I ain't scared of nothin'
except dyin' alone,

so unless you wanna marry me,
which I would like very much,

I will take you anytime.

How about right now?

Street spell-off!

[CROWD GASPS, CAMERAS WHIR]

Let's do this.

Hey, look. The 7-11's hiring.

Mom and dad got fired?

[PEELS OUT]

Yes!

Ooh, I like that,
bitch, don't I?!

[HARP GLISSANDO]

Ooh, sounds like somebody
is falling in love.

[CELLPHONE PLAYS HARP GLISSANDO]

Hello. Yeah, he's still here.

. He's really clingy

so, what are you guys doing now?

[GASPS] Pounding silver bullets
by the leech-filled pond?!

Come get me!

Clara, I'm beginning
to think that maybe

you're just in this for the
crashes and nothing more.

Ucch.

Why do you have to go
and ruin a good thing?

It's just that we had
something special.

I thought we would
be together forever.

Listen, baby, maybe
I'll call you later

if I'm in need of a little
late-night fatality, all right?

! No, it's not all right

if you get in that pumpkin,
so help me, it's over.

Whatever.

[PEELS OUT]

I now know the true
meaning of pain.

[VICTIMS SCREAMING]

[LIKE R.E.M.] ♪♪ well,
everybody hurts ♪♪

[SOBS]

♪♪ Sometimes ♪♪

♪♪ Everybody cries ♪♪

Spanky, why did you stop
me from taking on Hadji?

I could've beat him.

[NARRATING] Foxxy deserved
to know the truth,

but how could I tell her
without upsetting her too much?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

[LAUGHS]

The only reason you're
a champ is because…

You've been spelling
against chumps.

[GASPS] What you mean?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Ah ha ha ha!

Spelling commission
wanted a great, black hope

for the spelling world.

They hoped you'd do for spelling

what r. Kelly did for
pissing on teenagers,

so all of your
matches were fixed.

Oh, lord, even that
imaginary pineapple?

That's right, pineapple.

You're too sweet to spell.

[HIGH-PITCHED] That's right, pineapple.
You're too sweet to spell.

You saying I's a fraud?

[SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Spanky, don't.

Just don't.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY] Ah ha ha ha!

[CAPTAIN HERO SOBBING]

NARRATOR: When I
found Captain Hero

in my closet crying
and not masturbating,

I knew something was wrong.

So I took him out to do the one
thing that always cheers him up…

trying on wedding gowns!

Mmm, what do you think?
Too princess Di?

Oh, hero, I brought you here

to get your mind off slutty
princesses and car crashes.

I loved her, and she
was only using me.

Oh. Well, it was her loss, hero.

Mmm, what do you think?

Oh, eww. Too Ellen Degeneres.

You just need to
promise yourself

to never let Clara
use you anymore.

You're right, Xandir.

I'll make sure she never enjoys
another car crash ever again.

So, do you like?

Nah. Too Tori spelling.

Why you dissin' on Tori?

She knows what she did.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

I'm off!

And so I set off

to put those evil car
crashes out of business.

[HOLDING OUT FOR A HERO PLAYING]

[GASPS]

Oh, yeah.

Come on, baby.

Mm-hmm.

Come on.

[TIRES SKID]

Ohh!

BONNIE TYLER: ♪♪
I need a hero ♪♪

♪♪ I'm holdin' out for a
hero till the end of the night ♪♪

♪♪ He's gotta be strong ♪♪

♪♪ Ooh. ♪♪ And
he's gotta be fast

♪♪ and he's gotta be ♪♪

[BONES SNAP] ♪♪ fresh
from the fight ♪♪

[GROANS] ♪♪ I need a hero ♪♪

♪♪ I'm holdin' out for a
hero till the morning light… ♪♪

[SCREAMING]

Now, this is just borin'.

Guess I'll go back
to beatin' the wife.

Woman, where's my beatin' belt?

Please don't yell at me.

This is exactly what we talked about at Dr.
Schwartz's office.

What is this I hear about
you challenging Hadji?

I gots to take him, Spanky.

I's a speller.

I can't change what I is!

He's too fast, too smart,

too not American.
You can't win, Foxx!

[NO EASY WAY OUTPLAYING]

FOXXY: ♪♪ there's
no easy way out ♪♪

♪♪ There's no shortcut home ♪♪

♪♪
♪♪ there's no easy way out

♪♪ givin' in can't be wrong ♪♪

♪♪ Ooh, they freak me out ♪♪

♪♪ It's a turtle,
what's he doing here? ♪♪

♪♪ Oh, it's a great,
googly moogly ♪♪

ª ♪♪ givin' in
is not the same âª

you a disgrace, a liar, a fraud.

You make me sick!

Hey, what's goin' on, Foxxy?

We got training to do.

. But I can't beat Hadji

you told me yourself.

You can't live several
minutes in the past.

This is the part of the story
where I build you back up.

You right, Spanky!

All right, champ.
Let's get to work.

Ooh! Can we play that
rocky training song?

Only if we can afford it.

[HORNS AND DRUM PLAYING
OUT-OF-TUNE MUSIC SIMILAR TO ROCKY]

It ain't the same
without the real song.

Captain Hero, thanks to you,

our highways are
safe once again.

Ho ho. Mr. May-or,
I am only one man…

with 3 different personalities…

and I can promise you

[HISPANIC ACCENT] There
will be no car crashes

on my watch, homes, 'cause

[BABYISH] Hero hungry,
need his bottle.

Wakka wakka wakka wakk…

flavour flav!

[APPLAUSE] Thank you, thank you.

Hero, can we talk?

He has nothing to say to you!

Shut up, Xandir.

Can't you have one pair of lips

that isn't always
flapping in the wind?

[HISSES]

I understand if you hate me,

but I still think about you…

A lot.

Aww, you Miss the crashes.

That's what you Miss.

Sure, they were fun,

but people being horribly maimed
and disfigured means nothing

if I can't share it with you.

Maybe we can give
it one more shot,

and cause a different
kind of crash…

between our hearts.

MAN: Booo!

SECOND MAN: Sir,
please come with me.

What? I didn't do anything!

I warned you.

I can boo if I want.

It's a free country!
Get off me!

I warned you.

You leave me alone!

[TASER] [SCREAMING]

Think about it, hero.

You know where to find me.

[SCREAMING]

I'm so glad you gave
us a second chance.

Well, at first…

shut up!

I mean shut your
[BLEEP] face, my sweet.

Why don't you, you know, cause
a little fatal car accident,

you big stud.

Maybe we should take this slow.

I'm still a little raw.

Awooga! Blblblblbl!

Homina, homina, homina, homina.

[BUGLE CHARGE]

One car crash comin' right up.

[SKIDDING]

Yaah! Ohh!

Ohh!

Oh, Clara, I love you.

Eww! Can't you love me
without touching me?!

What? I thought
you cared about me.

Oh, come on, hero.

You know you're only good
for a few crashes. That's it.

But… now, if you'll excuse me,

my friends'll be
here any second.

We're off to shotgun brewskis

at the crystal-meth-addicted
Ebola monkey preserve.

Oh. I figured you
would act this way,

so I've arranged to
teach you a lesson.

[GASPS]

Oh, my god.

Sleeping beauty,
snow white, Ariel.

I can't feel my fin!

That's what we get for
letting Mulan drive.

Stay with me, sleeping beauty.

But I'm tired,

so very tired.

No!

Well, once again, Captain
Hero has saved the day.

And remember, kids,

never mess with the emotions
of a dangerous lunatic.

I'm off!

[IMITATES PLANE ENGINE]

Captain Hero man.

♪♪ Captain Hero man ♪♪

You can do it, Foxxy!

You'll never beat him!

Go get him, kid!

I must break you.

Foxxy love, your word is…

"Time dissolve."

It's been an incredible match.

Foxxy love hasn't
made a single error,

unlike a certain
careless surgeon I know.

Serves you right, ass hole.

Now back to the match.

Foxxy, for the win,

your word is

"knickers."

[ALL GASP]

Ooh.

Here. I'll use it in a sentence.

"Can a knicker get
a table dance?"

Ooh! You racist son of a…

Foxxy, you can
and/or can not do it.

[MUSIC LIKE GONNA FLY
NOW FROM ROCKY PLAYING]

♪♪ Gonna do it ♪♪

♪♪ Gonna float, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Gonna fl… ♪♪

[DRAMATIC MUSIC STING]

[DEEP BREATH]

"Knuckers."

K-n-i-c…

K-e-r-s.

"Knuckers." [DING]

[CHEERING]

Foxxy is the new world
champion of spelling!

I did it, Spanky! I's the champ!

[NARRATING] So the Foxxy overcame her
fear of words that sound like other words.

I did it!

I did it for my knuckers!

[SIRENS]

CLARA: Yes! Ooh, I like that.

Yeah! Ohh! Ohh!

[CHILDREN LAUGHING]

[CHANTING] Oh, my god! Oh, my god!
Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[EXPLOSION]