Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 3, Episode 4 - Unrestrainable Trainable - full transcript
Captain Hero's "special" son, mothered by his sister, attacks the city. For the attention, Clara makes Wooldoor's life a living hell.
WOOLDOOR, NARRATING: From
the moment I woke up,
I knew today was
going to be rotten.
I had a stuffy nose,
but I got up anyway, got
dressed, and headed downstairs.
And then Spankie broke off
the propeller from my beanie!
What a dork!
And Ling-Ling hit me
with a Chinese star.
And just my luck, the
chore wheel once again
put me in charge of
the bags of money.
Plus, I Missed my daily
side-burn-trimming appointment.
Aah! A Jew in our backyard!
I can't believe my
jew crow didn't work!
You're getting
baptised right now!
Aah!
I can't swim!
Don't worry! You're
a Christian now!
Jesus will be your
life preserver.
[LAUGHS] Look at that
heeb pretending to drown.
Ha! Those Jews kill me.
[SNICKERS] Hey, hero,
I made up a fun new game…
how long does it take pain to
travel through Toot's fat layers?
[BOTH SNICKERING]
Morning, assholes!
Did you read the paper?
It says a giant retard
is destroying the city.
What? "Massive mental
midget mauls metropolis"?
This sounds like a
job for Captain Hero!
Up, up, and away!
Oh, wait. I need my
magic pixie dust.
Ro whoo! I'm captain fucking he
and I can't feel
my fucking face!
So, Xandir, do you
have any plans for…
aah! Someone stabbed
me in my back!
34 seconds.
Sweet. That's my best time yet.
FOXXY, NARRATING:
Wooldoor almost drowned,
but as usual, the Foxxy
helped save the day!
[GRUNTS]
[RETCHES]
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Capital.
Thank goodness
I'm certified in
cardiopulmonary resuscitation.
[IN NORMAL ACCENT]
Mouth-to-mouth, y'all!
[SHIVERS]
Oh, lordy! Wooldoor
got the hypothermia.
And Clara, you gonna
take care of him.
[GROANS] [SHIVERS]
Taking orders from a black girl?
Ugh! Who does she think I am…
Thomas Jefferson's penis?
CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING:
Everywhere I looked,
I saw evidence of
this special giant.
The entire city was
flooded with drool.
The museum of shiny
objects was in ruins.
The giant replicas of daddy's
important papers had been drawn on.
Even the reservoir of yummy banana
pudding was completely empty.
You see, man,
without the pudding,
I'm just another
unemployed sexual predator.
But the giant himself
was nowhere to be found.
Where is this giant sped?
Oh, so you don't
want to talk, eh?
Maybe a little neck-snapping
will jog your memory!
[CRACKING]
Oh! Maybe a little spooning
will jog your memory!
[ANIMALS SCREAMING]
Oh, dear god! Not
the petting zoo!
I love puppies!
[SHIVERING]
CLARA, NARRATING: I spent hours
taking care of that
needy little bastard.
If I wanted to hear
a yellow guy whine,
I'd go see Margaret Cho.
[SHIVERS] Could I have
another blanket, please?
Ugh! You want it now?
But I was in the middle of a
really funny part of my joke book.
[GIGGLES]
Damn, Clara,
you've been taking care
of Wooldoor all day.
You're such a sweetheart.
Who knew you were
such a decent person?
Seriously, you're like
the best room-mate ever.
CLARA, NARRATING: Gosh, my
room-mates always hated me.
And now, they think
I'm some kind of saint.
Clara, for the first time ever,
I am proud to be your friend.
This makes up for
all them cracks
about my breastses
lactating chocolate milk.
No chocolate milk? Then what
the hell have I been sucking on?
[SCREAMING]
Puppy sleepy!
Wake up, puppy!
Da-ta! Captain Hero is here.
Your Velcro-powered super shoes
. and endless capacity
to hug can't save you now
[BOTH GRUNT]
I love pounding beavers!
[BRAYS] [BABBLES]
Oh, I sure gave that
hairy ass a licking!
[GRUNTS] [MEWING]
Ha! This is one dude
who knows how to avoid pussy.
[GRUNTS]
[CLUCKING]
I'll wrap my hands
around this cock
and squeeze it until it
explodes way too early
and then rolls over
and falls asleep
leaving me unsatisfied
and alone.
[GRUNTS]
I've got you now, corky.
Life goes on no longer for you.
I was about to put him on
the short bus to heaven,
but there was
something in his eyes…
something familiar.
Could he possibly be…
[ROARS] Oh, my god!
He could!
[ROARS AND BABBLES]
[PANTING]
Mommy!
My room-mates were so proud of me
for taking care of Wooldoor,
they even alerted
the local press.
Now everyone knows what a
wonderful human being I am.
Wow, Clara! Thanks for
taking such good care of me.
I feel healthier than ever.
Why, even my jungle
fever has broken.
Hey, papa.
Eh. You're not so hot.
, now that I'm all better
I guess I'll be
seeing you, Clara.
You're leaving? I
guess I won't have
to take care of you anymore.
Which means I'll
no longer receive
the attention I so
desperately crave.
Say, uh, Wooldoor,
perhaps before you go
I can make you one last
bowl of chicken soup?
Soup? Fuck yeah!
I love that shit!
W-what do you mean
you didn't kill him?
You've never had trouble defeating
mentally-challenged retards before.
Where mommy at?
Oh, I saw your mommy
go into the restroom.
So it's just you
and me now, magneto.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
It's just that when I saw he
had those vestigial t-Rex arms,
I…couldn't do it.
What's the big deal about him
having vestigial t-Rex arms?
This! [ROARS]
Holy crap! What the
hell is wrong with you?
Don't be scared, gay friend.
[STAMMERS]
Oh, nice.
Yes, everyone in the
hero family has them.
Well, except for my cousin Ned,
who was born with just
one vestigial t-Rex arm.
[CHUCKLES] What a freak.
Don't you see, Xandir?
There is only one explanation.
He is my son!
Of course he is.
How could you
possibly have a son?
You said you had
your balls removed.
No. I said I had my
ball sack removed.
Besides, I always pull out.
Um, that's not a
foolproof method.
Right, Craig?
[COOS]
Trust me, bro.
When I pull out of a chick,
she never survives the
1,000-foot fall back to earth.
[SCREAMS]
But there is one possibility.
Back when I was at
Howard university,
I needed money to
pay for tuition.
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
Need bling? Donate yo' sperm.
Oh, check this out, roomie!
I could get paid for what I do
every day for free in
your shampoo bottle!
You did what?!
[HORN HONKS] [DOG BARKS]
[CRASHES]
[CRYING]
One of your
fluffer-nutter deposits
must have created your son.
Then we must go
to the sperm bank
to solve this mystery
once and for all.
This sounds like a
job for Captain Hero!
Oww!
Poor, poor Wooldoor
kept getting sicker.
But at least the world appreciated
my loving devotion to him.
It sucked being
sick all the time.
But boy, oh, boy,
was I lucky to have
someone like Clara
to take care of me.
Now, finish your rock candy
so you can feel all better.
[SQUEAKING AND CRUNCHING]
[GULPS]
My stomach feels bleedy.
Need medicine.
What the heck?
Drain cleaner? Cyanide? Anthrax?
Gerber's apple banana sauce?
Someone should think
a little harder
about where we put these
product placements.
Oh, my god! Clara's
keeping me sick!
Ah, yes.
Captain Leslie hero.
There weren't a lot of women
who wanted zebulonian sperm.
But there was one. Here,
I'll give you the address.
Well, maybe a little neck-snapping
will make you give me the address.
[GRUNTS] [LAUGH TRACK] [SNAP]
Oh, you.
Well… [HOCKS AND SPITS]
I hope you're ready
to meet the woman
who birthed your
giant retarded son.
Never readier. [DOORBELL RINGS]
[CREAKS] Hello?
Pardon me, sir, but did you
buy some zebulonian sperm
and give birth to
a giant stupid head?
Who wants to know?
I do, for I am the donor.
My name is Captain Hero.
Captain Hero? Oh, no!
Oh, no, what?
I am your…
Sister.
Of course she is.
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! [ROARS]
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! [ROARS]
BOTH: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! [ROARING]
Goodnight, Wooldoor.
Feel better.
WOOLDOOR, NARRATING: I took the
first chance I had to escape.
And I found the perfect decoy
so Clara would never
know I was gone.
Lucky for me, Gary Coleman
is desperate for work.
He'll let you paint
him any colour you want.
[HUMMING]
[BEEPS]
Uh-oh. Clara turned on
the house security system.
[FLATULENCE]
[SYNTHESISER MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALARM BEEPS] Uh-oh.
[CRASHES]
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
Phew!
Holy crap! Mummified
bears with shark heads?!
[PIERCING ELECTRONIC
NOTES PLAYING]
[SURF MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTS]
All right.
[CANS CLANG]
Uh-oh.
Aah!
What are you doing out of bed?
Darling, you're still so sick.
Clara, you've gone crazy.
You're poisoning me.
Oh, Wooldoor, you
don't mean that.
That's just the poison I'm using
to poison you with talking.
And now, for your own good,
I'll have to make sure
you'll never leave again.
[GASPS AND SCREAMS]
Wait!
No! Please!
[CRUNCHES] [GRUNTS]
[SCREAMING]
[DINGS]
BOTH: Ew! Ew! Ew!
CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING:
When we finally finished
our traditional
zebulonian greeting,
we went inside for some Java.
So then I moved to earth
to be closer to trader Joe's.
Anyhoo, I turned 35 and
desperately wanted a baby.
When I discovered the clinic
actually had zebulonian sperm,
I was tickled pink.
But who would have
thought the he-honkers
I snorted up my crotch nostril
were from my brother?
I feel so dumb. All this time,
I thought my son
was a giant retard.
Turns out he's just an inbred.
I'm sorry our son escaped
from the basement.
But don't you worry… I chained
him up but good this time.
What?! My son is in chains?
[GASPS]
[GRUNTING]
Me love junk.
What the hell kind
of mother are you?
A single mother.
What do you want me to
do… not chain him up?
I know being a single
mother is a difficult task,
and I admire all
you sluts who do it,
but it's no excuse to lock
our son in the basement.
Oh? You think you can do better?
You bet your sweet,
supple ass I can.
[GRUNTS]
I'll be a better single parent
than all my high school
girlfriends combined.
[BOTH GRUNT]
[GASPS]
So, you like trader Joe's, huh?
I like it for some things.
Ow!
CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING:
To make my boy
a productive member of society,
I introduced him
to the only career
a giant, inbred moron
like him could handle…
heating and air
conditioning repair.
[RINGS] [SCREAMS]
Door monster!
Mama!
Well, thank god you're here.
It's like a sauna…
[GRUNTING]
Uh-uh-uh!
It was working just
fine yesterday.
[GROWLS] Oh!
Uh-uh-uh!
Uhh…
Uhh…
[MOANING]
How often do you change
your filter, ma'am?
Gosh, I don't think we've
ever changed the filter.
90 percent of the
time, it's the filter.
Yep, that's the
culprit right there.
I just want to be
honest with you.
A lot of people would tell
you it's the freon hose,
and charge you the $200.
But I'm not in
this for the money.
I just like keeping people cool.
I hope when the home
office calls for my review,
you have the confidence
to give me all 5s.
Stay cool!
How was that, daddy?
I told you to tell them
it was the freon hose!
You just lost us $200!
WOOLDOOR, NARRATING: I feared Clara
would keep me a cripple forever.
If only I could tell
someone what she was doing.
Hey, Clara. Hey, Wooldoor.
How is your healthy
patient-nurse relationship?
Clara's been poi…[CHOKES]
What's that?
Foxxy, look behind you!
It's Denzel Washington!
Denzel! [PANTING]
Where did Denzel go?
I guess Denzel must have had
an appointment or something.
Denzel's very busy.
Uh, Foxxy, look!
Denzel came back!
Denzel! [CRUNCH]
Oh, I Missed him again.
He move quickly.
Denzel in excellent
physical condition.
[S.O.S. BEEPING IN MORSE CODE]
Hey, I think Wooldoor's
trying to communicate
through blinking. Look, Foxxy!
Denzel came back for an
unbelievable third time!
[GASPS] Denzel!
Hello there, Foxxy.
Clara's trying to
keep Wooldoor Si…
Foxxy, look out in the hall.
It's another Denzel Washington!
With 2 penises!
[GASPS] Double dong Denzel!
Good-bye. [SCREAMS]
[EXPLOSION]
It's just you and
me now, Wooldoor.
No one's going to save you.
Wait a minute, Clara.
There ain't nobody
in that hallway
but triple dong Wesley snipes.
What is going on here?
CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING:
As it turned out,
being a single
parent was a cinch.
And now that my son had mastered
air conditioning repair,
it was time to tackle something
even more challenging…
making waffles!
Oh, isn't it fun to
make waffles with daddy?
Waffles, waffles.
BOTH: Waffles! Waffles!
Waffles! Waffles!
[LAUGHING]
[BEEPING] Gotcha!
Aah! Fire alarm monster!
[CRASH]
Fire alarm monster!
Come back, son!
You have the syrup!
You are so lucky to
have someone like me
stabbing you with a rusty
screwdriver like this.
Hey, Clara.
I wouldn't use the sink
in the upstairs bathroom.
I clogged it while
I was shaving.
Do you have any of
that drain cleaner
you've been using to
keep Wooldoor sick?
Sure. Here. It's…
It's empty. Oh, well.
If it's all empty, that means…
Yes, Clara. You've fed me
an entire bottle
of drain cleaner.
Oh, my god.
All I wanted was a
little attention.
But I never considered
the ramifications.
I need to make this right.
Hang on, sink! I'll help you!
I'll unclog you!
I never meant to hurt you!
It's OK, Clara, at least
you learned a lesson.
Not necessarily the lesson,
but a lesson nonetheless.
You're right, Wooldoor.
I guess we both
got carried away.
I guess we did. But hey!
The doctor says
it'll take only 2 years
of agonising physical therapy
for me to return to 60
percent of my former mobility!
And there's even a
chance I'll dance again.
Oh, Wooldoor.
You'll never dance again.
I know.
My son is gone.
I pushed him too hard.
Oh, I'm the worst father ever…
even worse than Spankie!
You can do it, honey!
Oh, god! Oh!
Push! Push!
[CRYING]
It's a boy! It's a boy!
Sausage, 2.99 a pound.
Who needs your sausage?
[ROARS]
I've lost my only child
and it's all my fault.
My life will be empty forever.
This just in…
a handi-capable giant, who
has so much love to give,
is on a murderous rampage.
And he's headed straight for the
nation's most powerful nuclear superbomb,
which, unfortunately, is
camouflaged as Winnie the pooh.
Oh, my god! We're
all going to die!
Captain Hero, this
is your last chance
to prove you can be
a good single parent.
You have to go get your son!
You're right, gay friend!
To the Winnie the pooh bomb!
[CRASH]
[FLATULENCE]
[BABBLING]
Why, oh, why did we build
our most powerful nuclear weapon
to look like pooh bear?
And why the hell did we
make it hug-activated?
Son, you must listen to daddy.
♪♪ The cat's in the kitchen
on the silver table ♪♪
♪♪ If you're going
to serve gravy ♪♪
♪♪ You got to have a ladle… ♪♪
[SCREAMS]
I see your son is about
to destroy the world.
I know.
Turns out, I'm a
terrible single parent.
I suck!
Oh, don't feel bad.
We've all made our
share of mistakes.
Mine was trading in a
perfectly healthy baby
for that enormous ass hole.
I guess we weren't
able to care for
our special needs giant
as single parents.
But perhaps, if we join forces
and work together, we
can do the right thing.
And hand that enormous
retard over to the state.
He's all yours, boys.
Later! Wait!
Superheroes!
Not only was that a
terrible parenting decision,
but we're all going to die!
If he gives you any trouble,
just chain him up
in the basement.
I wuv you, Winnie the pooh.
[BEEPING]
[EXPLOSION]
[RUMBLING]
You're walking, Wooldoor!
You're walking! [SCREAMS]]
[RUMBLING]
I love you, Winnie!
I promise to keep you
cool in the summer.
Wow, sis! That was a close one.
Well, bro, now we know
never to be single parents.
Yes. Well… I say we raise
the next one together.
The next one?
[ROARING]
[BOTH MOANING]
[MOANING]
[GIGGLING]
That's all, folks.
Oh, don't forget to
change the filter.
FOXXY: Denzel!
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
[HORN HONKS] [DOG BARKS]
[CRASHES]
[CRYING]
the moment I woke up,
I knew today was
going to be rotten.
I had a stuffy nose,
but I got up anyway, got
dressed, and headed downstairs.
And then Spankie broke off
the propeller from my beanie!
What a dork!
And Ling-Ling hit me
with a Chinese star.
And just my luck, the
chore wheel once again
put me in charge of
the bags of money.
Plus, I Missed my daily
side-burn-trimming appointment.
Aah! A Jew in our backyard!
I can't believe my
jew crow didn't work!
You're getting
baptised right now!
Aah!
I can't swim!
Don't worry! You're
a Christian now!
Jesus will be your
life preserver.
[LAUGHS] Look at that
heeb pretending to drown.
Ha! Those Jews kill me.
[SNICKERS] Hey, hero,
I made up a fun new game…
how long does it take pain to
travel through Toot's fat layers?
[BOTH SNICKERING]
Morning, assholes!
Did you read the paper?
It says a giant retard
is destroying the city.
What? "Massive mental
midget mauls metropolis"?
This sounds like a
job for Captain Hero!
Up, up, and away!
Oh, wait. I need my
magic pixie dust.
Ro whoo! I'm captain fucking he
and I can't feel
my fucking face!
So, Xandir, do you
have any plans for…
aah! Someone stabbed
me in my back!
34 seconds.
Sweet. That's my best time yet.
FOXXY, NARRATING:
Wooldoor almost drowned,
but as usual, the Foxxy
helped save the day!
[GRUNTS]
[RETCHES]
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Capital.
Thank goodness
I'm certified in
cardiopulmonary resuscitation.
[IN NORMAL ACCENT]
Mouth-to-mouth, y'all!
[SHIVERS]
Oh, lordy! Wooldoor
got the hypothermia.
And Clara, you gonna
take care of him.
[GROANS] [SHIVERS]
Taking orders from a black girl?
Ugh! Who does she think I am…
Thomas Jefferson's penis?
CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING:
Everywhere I looked,
I saw evidence of
this special giant.
The entire city was
flooded with drool.
The museum of shiny
objects was in ruins.
The giant replicas of daddy's
important papers had been drawn on.
Even the reservoir of yummy banana
pudding was completely empty.
You see, man,
without the pudding,
I'm just another
unemployed sexual predator.
But the giant himself
was nowhere to be found.
Where is this giant sped?
Oh, so you don't
want to talk, eh?
Maybe a little neck-snapping
will jog your memory!
[CRACKING]
Oh! Maybe a little spooning
will jog your memory!
[ANIMALS SCREAMING]
Oh, dear god! Not
the petting zoo!
I love puppies!
[SHIVERING]
CLARA, NARRATING: I spent hours
taking care of that
needy little bastard.
If I wanted to hear
a yellow guy whine,
I'd go see Margaret Cho.
[SHIVERS] Could I have
another blanket, please?
Ugh! You want it now?
But I was in the middle of a
really funny part of my joke book.
[GIGGLES]
Damn, Clara,
you've been taking care
of Wooldoor all day.
You're such a sweetheart.
Who knew you were
such a decent person?
Seriously, you're like
the best room-mate ever.
CLARA, NARRATING: Gosh, my
room-mates always hated me.
And now, they think
I'm some kind of saint.
Clara, for the first time ever,
I am proud to be your friend.
This makes up for
all them cracks
about my breastses
lactating chocolate milk.
No chocolate milk? Then what
the hell have I been sucking on?
[SCREAMING]
Puppy sleepy!
Wake up, puppy!
Da-ta! Captain Hero is here.
Your Velcro-powered super shoes
. and endless capacity
to hug can't save you now
[BOTH GRUNT]
I love pounding beavers!
[BRAYS] [BABBLES]
Oh, I sure gave that
hairy ass a licking!
[GRUNTS] [MEWING]
Ha! This is one dude
who knows how to avoid pussy.
[GRUNTS]
[CLUCKING]
I'll wrap my hands
around this cock
and squeeze it until it
explodes way too early
and then rolls over
and falls asleep
leaving me unsatisfied
and alone.
[GRUNTS]
I've got you now, corky.
Life goes on no longer for you.
I was about to put him on
the short bus to heaven,
but there was
something in his eyes…
something familiar.
Could he possibly be…
[ROARS] Oh, my god!
He could!
[ROARS AND BABBLES]
[PANTING]
Mommy!
My room-mates were so proud of me
for taking care of Wooldoor,
they even alerted
the local press.
Now everyone knows what a
wonderful human being I am.
Wow, Clara! Thanks for
taking such good care of me.
I feel healthier than ever.
Why, even my jungle
fever has broken.
Hey, papa.
Eh. You're not so hot.
, now that I'm all better
I guess I'll be
seeing you, Clara.
You're leaving? I
guess I won't have
to take care of you anymore.
Which means I'll
no longer receive
the attention I so
desperately crave.
Say, uh, Wooldoor,
perhaps before you go
I can make you one last
bowl of chicken soup?
Soup? Fuck yeah!
I love that shit!
W-what do you mean
you didn't kill him?
You've never had trouble defeating
mentally-challenged retards before.
Where mommy at?
Oh, I saw your mommy
go into the restroom.
So it's just you
and me now, magneto.
[GRUNTS]
[GRUNTS]
It's just that when I saw he
had those vestigial t-Rex arms,
I…couldn't do it.
What's the big deal about him
having vestigial t-Rex arms?
This! [ROARS]
Holy crap! What the
hell is wrong with you?
Don't be scared, gay friend.
[STAMMERS]
Oh, nice.
Yes, everyone in the
hero family has them.
Well, except for my cousin Ned,
who was born with just
one vestigial t-Rex arm.
[CHUCKLES] What a freak.
Don't you see, Xandir?
There is only one explanation.
He is my son!
Of course he is.
How could you
possibly have a son?
You said you had
your balls removed.
No. I said I had my
ball sack removed.
Besides, I always pull out.
Um, that's not a
foolproof method.
Right, Craig?
[COOS]
Trust me, bro.
When I pull out of a chick,
she never survives the
1,000-foot fall back to earth.
[SCREAMS]
But there is one possibility.
Back when I was at
Howard university,
I needed money to
pay for tuition.
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
Need bling? Donate yo' sperm.
Oh, check this out, roomie!
I could get paid for what I do
every day for free in
your shampoo bottle!
You did what?!
[HORN HONKS] [DOG BARKS]
[CRASHES]
[CRYING]
One of your
fluffer-nutter deposits
must have created your son.
Then we must go
to the sperm bank
to solve this mystery
once and for all.
This sounds like a
job for Captain Hero!
Oww!
Poor, poor Wooldoor
kept getting sicker.
But at least the world appreciated
my loving devotion to him.
It sucked being
sick all the time.
But boy, oh, boy,
was I lucky to have
someone like Clara
to take care of me.
Now, finish your rock candy
so you can feel all better.
[SQUEAKING AND CRUNCHING]
[GULPS]
My stomach feels bleedy.
Need medicine.
What the heck?
Drain cleaner? Cyanide? Anthrax?
Gerber's apple banana sauce?
Someone should think
a little harder
about where we put these
product placements.
Oh, my god! Clara's
keeping me sick!
Ah, yes.
Captain Leslie hero.
There weren't a lot of women
who wanted zebulonian sperm.
But there was one. Here,
I'll give you the address.
Well, maybe a little neck-snapping
will make you give me the address.
[GRUNTS] [LAUGH TRACK] [SNAP]
Oh, you.
Well… [HOCKS AND SPITS]
I hope you're ready
to meet the woman
who birthed your
giant retarded son.
Never readier. [DOORBELL RINGS]
[CREAKS] Hello?
Pardon me, sir, but did you
buy some zebulonian sperm
and give birth to
a giant stupid head?
Who wants to know?
I do, for I am the donor.
My name is Captain Hero.
Captain Hero? Oh, no!
Oh, no, what?
I am your…
Sister.
Of course she is.
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! [ROARS]
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! [ROARS]
BOTH: Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! [ROARING]
Goodnight, Wooldoor.
Feel better.
WOOLDOOR, NARRATING: I took the
first chance I had to escape.
And I found the perfect decoy
so Clara would never
know I was gone.
Lucky for me, Gary Coleman
is desperate for work.
He'll let you paint
him any colour you want.
[HUMMING]
[BEEPS]
Uh-oh. Clara turned on
the house security system.
[FLATULENCE]
[SYNTHESISER MUSIC PLAYING]
[ALARM BEEPS] Uh-oh.
[CRASHES]
[SCREAMING]
[GRUNTING]
Phew!
Holy crap! Mummified
bears with shark heads?!
[PIERCING ELECTRONIC
NOTES PLAYING]
[SURF MUSIC PLAYING]
[GRUNTS]
All right.
[CANS CLANG]
Uh-oh.
Aah!
What are you doing out of bed?
Darling, you're still so sick.
Clara, you've gone crazy.
You're poisoning me.
Oh, Wooldoor, you
don't mean that.
That's just the poison I'm using
to poison you with talking.
And now, for your own good,
I'll have to make sure
you'll never leave again.
[GASPS AND SCREAMS]
Wait!
No! Please!
[CRUNCHES] [GRUNTS]
[SCREAMING]
[DINGS]
BOTH: Ew! Ew! Ew!
CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING:
When we finally finished
our traditional
zebulonian greeting,
we went inside for some Java.
So then I moved to earth
to be closer to trader Joe's.
Anyhoo, I turned 35 and
desperately wanted a baby.
When I discovered the clinic
actually had zebulonian sperm,
I was tickled pink.
But who would have
thought the he-honkers
I snorted up my crotch nostril
were from my brother?
I feel so dumb. All this time,
I thought my son
was a giant retard.
Turns out he's just an inbred.
I'm sorry our son escaped
from the basement.
But don't you worry… I chained
him up but good this time.
What?! My son is in chains?
[GASPS]
[GRUNTING]
Me love junk.
What the hell kind
of mother are you?
A single mother.
What do you want me to
do… not chain him up?
I know being a single
mother is a difficult task,
and I admire all
you sluts who do it,
but it's no excuse to lock
our son in the basement.
Oh? You think you can do better?
You bet your sweet,
supple ass I can.
[GRUNTS]
I'll be a better single parent
than all my high school
girlfriends combined.
[BOTH GRUNT]
[GASPS]
So, you like trader Joe's, huh?
I like it for some things.
Ow!
CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING:
To make my boy
a productive member of society,
I introduced him
to the only career
a giant, inbred moron
like him could handle…
heating and air
conditioning repair.
[RINGS] [SCREAMS]
Door monster!
Mama!
Well, thank god you're here.
It's like a sauna…
[GRUNTING]
Uh-uh-uh!
It was working just
fine yesterday.
[GROWLS] Oh!
Uh-uh-uh!
Uhh…
Uhh…
[MOANING]
How often do you change
your filter, ma'am?
Gosh, I don't think we've
ever changed the filter.
90 percent of the
time, it's the filter.
Yep, that's the
culprit right there.
I just want to be
honest with you.
A lot of people would tell
you it's the freon hose,
and charge you the $200.
But I'm not in
this for the money.
I just like keeping people cool.
I hope when the home
office calls for my review,
you have the confidence
to give me all 5s.
Stay cool!
How was that, daddy?
I told you to tell them
it was the freon hose!
You just lost us $200!
WOOLDOOR, NARRATING: I feared Clara
would keep me a cripple forever.
If only I could tell
someone what she was doing.
Hey, Clara. Hey, Wooldoor.
How is your healthy
patient-nurse relationship?
Clara's been poi…[CHOKES]
What's that?
Foxxy, look behind you!
It's Denzel Washington!
Denzel! [PANTING]
Where did Denzel go?
I guess Denzel must have had
an appointment or something.
Denzel's very busy.
Uh, Foxxy, look!
Denzel came back!
Denzel! [CRUNCH]
Oh, I Missed him again.
He move quickly.
Denzel in excellent
physical condition.
[S.O.S. BEEPING IN MORSE CODE]
Hey, I think Wooldoor's
trying to communicate
through blinking. Look, Foxxy!
Denzel came back for an
unbelievable third time!
[GASPS] Denzel!
Hello there, Foxxy.
Clara's trying to
keep Wooldoor Si…
Foxxy, look out in the hall.
It's another Denzel Washington!
With 2 penises!
[GASPS] Double dong Denzel!
Good-bye. [SCREAMS]
[EXPLOSION]
It's just you and
me now, Wooldoor.
No one's going to save you.
Wait a minute, Clara.
There ain't nobody
in that hallway
but triple dong Wesley snipes.
What is going on here?
CAPTAIN HERO, NARRATING:
As it turned out,
being a single
parent was a cinch.
And now that my son had mastered
air conditioning repair,
it was time to tackle something
even more challenging…
making waffles!
Oh, isn't it fun to
make waffles with daddy?
Waffles, waffles.
BOTH: Waffles! Waffles!
Waffles! Waffles!
[LAUGHING]
[BEEPING] Gotcha!
Aah! Fire alarm monster!
[CRASH]
Fire alarm monster!
Come back, son!
You have the syrup!
You are so lucky to
have someone like me
stabbing you with a rusty
screwdriver like this.
Hey, Clara.
I wouldn't use the sink
in the upstairs bathroom.
I clogged it while
I was shaving.
Do you have any of
that drain cleaner
you've been using to
keep Wooldoor sick?
Sure. Here. It's…
It's empty. Oh, well.
If it's all empty, that means…
Yes, Clara. You've fed me
an entire bottle
of drain cleaner.
Oh, my god.
All I wanted was a
little attention.
But I never considered
the ramifications.
I need to make this right.
Hang on, sink! I'll help you!
I'll unclog you!
I never meant to hurt you!
It's OK, Clara, at least
you learned a lesson.
Not necessarily the lesson,
but a lesson nonetheless.
You're right, Wooldoor.
I guess we both
got carried away.
I guess we did. But hey!
The doctor says
it'll take only 2 years
of agonising physical therapy
for me to return to 60
percent of my former mobility!
And there's even a
chance I'll dance again.
Oh, Wooldoor.
You'll never dance again.
I know.
My son is gone.
I pushed him too hard.
Oh, I'm the worst father ever…
even worse than Spankie!
You can do it, honey!
Oh, god! Oh!
Push! Push!
[CRYING]
It's a boy! It's a boy!
Sausage, 2.99 a pound.
Who needs your sausage?
[ROARS]
I've lost my only child
and it's all my fault.
My life will be empty forever.
This just in…
a handi-capable giant, who
has so much love to give,
is on a murderous rampage.
And he's headed straight for the
nation's most powerful nuclear superbomb,
which, unfortunately, is
camouflaged as Winnie the pooh.
Oh, my god! We're
all going to die!
Captain Hero, this
is your last chance
to prove you can be
a good single parent.
You have to go get your son!
You're right, gay friend!
To the Winnie the pooh bomb!
[CRASH]
[FLATULENCE]
[BABBLING]
Why, oh, why did we build
our most powerful nuclear weapon
to look like pooh bear?
And why the hell did we
make it hug-activated?
Son, you must listen to daddy.
♪♪ The cat's in the kitchen
on the silver table ♪♪
♪♪ If you're going
to serve gravy ♪♪
♪♪ You got to have a ladle… ♪♪
[SCREAMS]
I see your son is about
to destroy the world.
I know.
Turns out, I'm a
terrible single parent.
I suck!
Oh, don't feel bad.
We've all made our
share of mistakes.
Mine was trading in a
perfectly healthy baby
for that enormous ass hole.
I guess we weren't
able to care for
our special needs giant
as single parents.
But perhaps, if we join forces
and work together, we
can do the right thing.
And hand that enormous
retard over to the state.
He's all yours, boys.
Later! Wait!
Superheroes!
Not only was that a
terrible parenting decision,
but we're all going to die!
If he gives you any trouble,
just chain him up
in the basement.
I wuv you, Winnie the pooh.
[BEEPING]
[EXPLOSION]
[RUMBLING]
You're walking, Wooldoor!
You're walking! [SCREAMS]]
[RUMBLING]
I love you, Winnie!
I promise to keep you
cool in the summer.
Wow, sis! That was a close one.
Well, bro, now we know
never to be single parents.
Yes. Well… I say we raise
the next one together.
The next one?
[ROARING]
[BOTH MOANING]
[MOANING]
[GIGGLING]
That's all, folks.
Oh, don't forget to
change the filter.
FOXXY: Denzel!
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
[HORN HONKS] [DOG BARKS]
[CRASHES]
[CRYING]