Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 3, Episode 12 - Nipple Ring-Ring Goes to Foster Care - full transcript

ALL: Happy 21st
birthday, Ling-Ling!

[NOISE MAKER]

CLARA: Oh, you'll
love your cake.

I got it from a
Chinese pastry shop.

[ELECTRIC KNIFE WHIRS]

Aah!

Fantastic decorations, Xandir.

Nice touch having the balloons

tied to your nipple rings.

[THINKING] I wish
I had nipple rings.

I didn't get a single compliment



on where I put the banner.

[FARTS]

Since it was Ling-Ling's
21st birthday,

we made him do the
traditional 21 shots.

One! One! One!

[GASPS]

2, 3… 2, 3… 2, 3…

After that, it was time
for the traditional

21 doses of Sweet Georgia Brown.

21! 21! 21!

Oh, no! Ling-Ling
O.D.Ed somehow.

Still think birthdays are cool?

Dr. Wooldoor, help!

Oh, my god.



I need 10 ccs of adrenaline

and a cardiac needle
right fucking now!

Uhh-aah!

[GASPS]

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Now all I need is your
insurance card, and…

Oy, gevalt!

Ling-Ling's only 3 years old!

[ALL GASP]

Sorry, Ling-Ling,

but as a pretend
healthcare professional,

I'm legally required to call…

Child services.

No! [THUNDER]

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

[WHISTLING AND
MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah. [LAUGHS]

Ahh. Heh.

[WOMAN VOCALISES]

Ohh.

HERO, NARRATING: I was
getting pretty damn tired

of that stupid Xandir flaunting
his stupid nipple rings.

I couldn't take it anymore.

I had to get a nipple
ring of my very own,

so I consulted
the Hero computer.

A pig goes…

Oink-oink.

We've discussed this
pig-emitting-oinks issue,

and we've agreed to disagree.

A cow goes…

Moo-moo.

Damn your superior intelligence.

I want a nipple ring now!

[THUNDER]

Oh, check me out, ass bags.

I've got a much cooler ring

than that homo Xandir.

Oink-oink.

I'm going to show the whole
world my new nipple ring.

Hero, I wouldn't go outside.

There's a dangerous
electrical storm.

You're just jealous

because I have 2 kinds of rings,

nipple and worm.

Hello, world!

Who wants to see

my highly conductive…

aah-hah-aah-aah!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOORBELL]

[GASPS] Child services.

HERO: Aah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!

Has it been 9 months already?

Actually, Miss Love,
I'm here about…

Ling-Ling.

[DRAMATIC ORGAN NOTE]
[ALL GASP]

This is a surprise twist.

But I'm telling you, we've
very responsible guardians.

I beg to differ.

Thank you, dollar
bin at Blockbuster.

Observe.

Ling-Ling has been
physically abused.

[POUNDING]

Ohh! Aah! Ohh!

Aah!

He's been exposed to
sexual situations.

[GRUNTS]

He's even been denied lasagne.

Ahh!

Ohh.

[GRUNTS]

From now on, your family is…

The foster care system.

[THUNDER]
[CAPTAIN HERO LAUGHS]

No…

[HUMS]

[CHILDREN GRUNTING]
[GLASS BREAKING]

Hero? Are you OK?

[GROANS]

A disgusting pig? A homosexual?

Am I at Prince Charles' wedding?

BOY: Breaker, breaker.
Anyone there?

Hero, what's going
on with your nipple?

Oh, not too much.
What's up with yours?

Hello. I'm a 12-year-old boy

looking for a friend.

Really? I might be interested.

Do you have a donkey
and a penis cutter?

No. All I have is
this walkie-talkie.

I'm majorly lonely
here in Smalltown.

Smalltown? That's
where I grew up.

Well, if you're like
everybody else here in 1986,

you probably wouldn't want
to be friends with me,

because I'm from planet Zebulon
and wear spandex shorts.

1986?

Smalltown?

Zebulon?

Spandex shorts? [FLATULENCE]

Dude, this guy sounds
like such a loser.

Hey, schmeckelhead,

I think that kid is
you from the past.

Is that possible?

Can I actually be talking
to me from the past?

Well, there's only
one way to be sure.

Me from the past says what?
Huh?

Close enough. It is me!

Wow. You're me from the future.

Radical-a-rama.

This is totally tubular.

Not! Psych! I mean,
not-not to the max.

Wickety-wack. For sure.
Do the Bartman!

[SQUEAKING]

[CREAKS]

Shut your sassin' mouth.

To me, you're just a
monthly check for newports.

Now, make yourself useful

and start scrubbin'
out my old war wound.

[GONG PLAYS]

[FLIES BUZZING]
[SIGHS]

[GRUNTING AND SCRUBBING]

[MAN HOCKS]
[SQUIRTING]

With our little
Chinese friend gone,

things just weren't the same.

Our nails was unmanicured.

The Zen garden was unraked.

[BELLOWS]
[SCREAMS]

And now, our Tibetans
got way too much freedom.

Whoo-hoo! Chug! Chug!

I got your Dalai
Lama right here.

Living without an Asian

is like living with
a Jewish woman.

It's horrible, and
I don't understand

how or why anybody
would tolerate it.

Oh, we all Miss ching-chong,

but maybe foster care is
the best place for him.

Foster care is evil, y'all,

and I should know,

'cause all my children
send me letters about it.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

I'm gonna bring Lang-Lang home.

I will not let another
one of my loved ones

go through the
foster care system!

Yay!

Hey, Xandir,

this blockhead will
believe anything.

Oh, yeah. Sonny Bono is
now an Olympic skier,

and Nancy Reagan still has
the finest pair in town.

You are short-circuiting
my mind, Johnny 5.

Will you stop lying to your
12-year-old self about the future?

Maybe instead of lying to him,

you should consider giving your
past self some good advice.

Hmm. Advice, you say.

Yes, that is a great
way to mess with him.

[SNORTS] So, me from the past,

do you still have that
major crush on Letta Lame?

Because I know a way to get her
to go to the barn dance with you.

Wow! Really? Funky fresh!

[LING-LING HUMMING]

[CHEWING]

Ohh!

CHOIR: ♪♪ hallelujah ♪♪
[SQUEALS]

♪♪ Hallelujah ♪♪

♪♪ Ha… ♪♪
[GRUNTS]

[FLATULENCE]

Hey, get out of there!

Well, maybe I was, once.

But no one buys my rice no more.

These days, it's not cool

to buy anything from an
old, black stereotype

whose rice is flavoured
with mouse faeces.

So you like my rice, huh?

Well, I'll be darned.

Boy, I gots to say, like
the tumour in my brain,

you're beginnin' to grow on me.

YOUNG HERO: Are you sure
this is going to work?

After this, you're
going to be so popular,

Letta will beg you to
take her to the dance.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

OK, then. I'm doing
exactly what you said.

I got the sandwich, and
I'm unzipping my pants.

Oh!

[GRUNTING]

Hey, Leslie,

[GRUNTING]

I need a date to the barn dance,

and I was wondering if…

are you fucking a hero sandwich?

[SCREAMS]

You freak!

[ALL LAUGHING]

From now on, let's call
Leslie Captain Hero.

[STATIC CRACKLES]

In new England, he'd
be captain grinder.

Burn! Ah ha ha!

What a loser.

Captain Hero.

I almost forgot me own nickname.

[LAUGHING]

FOXXY, NARRATING:
To rescue Ling-Ling,

I had to break into
the foster care system

by going undercover.

Unfortunately, it
wasn't so easy.

The Foxxy got bounced from one
cartoon foster home to another.

[GASPS]

[WHISPERING] Whatever you do,

don't let him take your eyes.

[GRUNTING]

[GASPS]

I can transform. Observe.

Now you transform.

But I can't trans...

I said transform.

[GUNSHOT]

Now, where's I
supposed to sleep?

Hold up.

Is this some kind of joke?

That's it! Show yourself!

Heh heh heh.

Ain't I an ass hole?

Well, I did what you said,

and I funky cold
medinaed that sandwich,

and now, I'm a laughing stock.

Oops. My bad.

I forgot sandwich fucking

didn't become a fad until 1987.

George Michael made it popular.

Well, later.

Wait. What do I do now?

OK, OK. It's not too late.

I know a way to change your
nickname from Captain Hero

to captain guy
who saves the day.

Here's what you do.

The night of the big dance,

douse the barn with gasoline.

Then light a match and set
the whole thing on fire.

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

Uh, is now the part
where I put out the fire

and save the day?

Even better. Now is the part

where you take out a
sandwich and you fuck it.

Um, OK. I sure hope this works.

I don't see how it couldn't.

[SNORTING AND LAUGHING]

[SCREAMS] Help me!

Are you fucking a hero sandwich?

You freak!

[SCREAMS]

♪♪ Ling-Ling into battle go ♪♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Jesus H. Snork.

You sure knows rice.

Ling-Ling, in these
past few weeks with you,

my heart has softened,
swelled, and lost nutrients,

just like my crappy rice.

[GASPS]

Foster son, you's
given me so much,

I decided to give
you the one thing

all Chinese boys want,
but can never have.

[GASPS]

Yep. And whoever
foster care sends,

I's hope she knows what Uncle
Benny likes the most about rice.

It knows when to
shut the fuck up.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GASPS]

Lang-Lang! I found you!

I been bouncin' all over

… the foster care
system lookin' for

papa?

Foxxy, is that you

for real-real,
not for play-play?

Uncle Benny is my
bilolasisul papa.

[THUNDER]

Then how do you explain this?

[THUNDER]
[CAPTAIN HERO LAUGHS]

Still think foster care's cool?

I can't believe my
new foster child

turned out to be
my own daughter.

Oh, Foxxyshaquaguafafaba,

I Miss you like red beans
Miss a starchy complement.

[BOTH GRUNT]

If you Miss me so much,

then why come you left for
cigarettes when I was 3

and never came back?

Oh, sweetie, it
wasn't 'bout you.

It was your mother.

We just had different needs.

I wanted oral sex,

and she wanted to hoard
squirrel carcasses.

But you can see I never
stopped lovin' you…

Or your poor sister.

Well, it would be
nice to have a parent.

All I gots left of mama
are these fur wristbands…

And this merkin.

So I guess I forgives you, papa.

We need to get our celebrate on.

Oh, yeah. Let's go out and
have the funnest day ever.

[DOOR CLOSES]

[CLAMOURING]

Thanks to your bogus schemes,

I've been run out of town,
and everyone hates me,

and I burned Letta to death.

That was you?

You killed my
childhood sweetheart.

I never got over her death!

You ruined my life!

I'm gonna go get my father's gun

and end it all right now.

You don't have the guts!

[LAUGHS AND SNORTS]

Ah hoo hoo! Xandir,
this has gotten so good.

You know that kid I've
been fucking with?

Um, yeah. You mean you?

Yes. It turns out he's unstable.

Why are you looking at me?

Uh, because you're
talking to me.

Then why won't you listen?

Anyhoo, that kid is
totally gonna kill himself.

Up high!

[SCOFFS] You idiot!

If he kills himself,
you'll disappear.

Hmm.

[GASPS] Oh, no! My
sandwich-holding hand!

Oh, we had a blast.

We went to the rice museum,
slash holocaust memorial,

and daddy got me
this awesome t-shirt.

Never forget…

To salt the water
before boilin' the rice.

And we also had
our entire family

painted onto a single
grain of rice in Jew blood.

[GASPS]

Daddy, would you
close that window?

It's gettin' whiny in here.

At least I ain't adopted.

Repeat people much?

Repeat people much?

Repeat people much?

Oh, looky there. I'm
out of cigarettes.

I best be gettin' down to
the store and pick up a pack.

Back in a couple
of minutes, kids.

Repeat people much?

Oh, I almost forgot my, uh…

Cigarette money.

Repeat people much?

Repeat people much?

And my tickets.

Repeat people much?

To flavour country. Mmm.

Where are you, Leslie?

Come on, pick up. Pick up.

Don't kill yourself!

Why should I listen to you?

You ruined my life!

[SIGHS] Listen, broham.

I admit I was totally
messing with you.

I thought I was being funny,

but it turns out I was
only being hurtful.

Please, Leslie, forgive me.

If you can't forgive yourself,

who can you forgive?

[GRUNT]

[SCREAMING]

All right. I forgive you.

I'm just glad this is all over.

Ohh! And the worst part is…

There really is a sweet way
to bone-storm a sandwich.

[SCREAMS] There is?

Ah, yeah, but it's just as well.

♪♪ You're too young
to handle it ♪♪

No, I'm not. Show me.
I can do it.

Yes! OK, first I'll need
to examine your technique.

Here's what you do.

Take a picture of yourself
screwing a sandwich

and bury it under
the town oak tree

so I can find it
here in the future.

Ice, ice, baby.

What is wrong with you, hero?

Wh-why are you being so mean
to your 12-year-old self?

Why? I'll tell you why.

Because when I was that age,

some ass hole did the
same exact thing to me,

and I swore someday I
would get sweet revenge

by doing it to some
other 12-year-old loser.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a picture of a penis
in a sandwich waiting for me.

Hyah!

[GRUNTS]

Aw, don't you worry.
Papa's comin' back.

Papa loves me.

[SIGHS]

Well, at least we
gots each other,

and we can do all the things
that a real family can do.

We can go get our nails did.

I can press out that hair
like nobody business…

[FAINT TALKING CONTINUES]

Later.

Ohh. Don't worry, Foxxy.

Ling-Ling's comin' back.

Ling-Ling loves me.

[SCREAMING]

Oh, this is the best
picture of a prick I've had

since I sold my cal ripken jr.
Rookie card.

[WEAPONS CLICK] Put
up your hands, sicko.

Holy cannoli!

Yeah, that's right, pervert.

It's a sting. We've been
waiting here for 20 years

for you to pick up
that kiddie porn.

[LAUGHS] Looks like I win.

I knew you were
messing with me again,

but I outsmarted you. Serves
you right for wanting to see

a young boy's penis in a sandwich.
Face!

Take him away, boys.

Aww! Can I least keep the photo?

It's the only picture I have of
my penis before the accident.

Accident? What accident?

Never you mind. We are
done talking, nipple.

As an ass hole on a walkie-talkie

once said to me when I was 12,

go screw a garbage disposal!

A garbage disposal?

Oh, say, that might
feel pretty good.

Oh, yeah, baby.

I'm going to walk
like an Egyptian.

Na-nu Na-nu.

Ooh. What is this switch for?

[GRINDING] Aah!

[STATIC CRACKLES]

[LIQUID SQUIRTS]

[FLATULATING]

[SPUTTERING]

[FLATULENCE STOPS]

[FLATULATING]

[SPUTTERING]