Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 3, Episode 13 - Toot Goes Bollywood - full transcript

Hey, wait! I have the rent money

right here. You don't have

to tear down the orphanage.

Too late, padre.

[CHILDREN SCREAMING]

Kids, come back!

What are you gonna do?

Touch yourselves?

[WHISTLES]

Mmblahh. This job sucks.

I gotta go crap
out that burrito,



have a burrito,
and get some sleep.

TOOT: Ding dong!

What the hell is
wrong wit' you, Toot?

Can't you see I'm bangin' Astro?

Ri rain't rastro, ritch!

Jesus, Foxxy,
you're such a whore.

You've had more
infected wangs in you

than a Shanghai hospital.

Roh-ro, you ridn't.

You're just jealous 'cause
you couldn't get screwed

at a convention of Jewish
insurance salesmen.

Rou rid rot rust ro there.

Oh, you don't think
I can get laid, huh?

Fine! I'll show you.



I'll start having lots of sex.

And I'll stop having sex

and show you I ain't no ho!

Starting now.

Would you still stick
your stiletto heel

up my pooter if I paid
you 20 earth dollars?

I meant startin'
in $20 from now.

[SPITS]

Baby!

FOXXY, NARRATING: I knew da
Foxxy could give up da sex,

no matter what that Toot said.

And she gon' do it, too.

Startin' right now.

[CELLPHONE RINGS] Hell-ow?

Denzel?!

OK. Startin' now.

[CELLPHONE RINGS] Hell-ow?

Magic Johnson?!

Uh, pick up some what?

You don't need those, papa.

I'm on da pill.

OK.

[CELLPHONE RINGS] Hell-ow?

Forest Whitaker?!

Is that droopy eye of
yours ready to get busy?

OK. Startin' now.

[CELLPHONE RINGS] Hell-ow?

Al Roker?!

Oh, my god, look at me.

How pathetic.

Toot's right. I is a slut.

[THUNDER]

[SCRAPING]

[FLIES BUZZING] All right,

which one of you butt wipes

wants some of this?

I was going to prove to Foxxy

that my vagina
wasn't just a place

for food storage.

[SQUISHES AND POPS]

[CHEWING]

Or a place to keep drinks cold.

[CAN OPENS]

[BELCHES]

It was also a place

for sex-making.

[CHEWING]

OK, last call.

Who wants to make it
with the Tooters girl?

Ooh! Not me.

As if. [SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Not a chance. Ruck, no.

No, thank you?

One of you sad-ass
jagoffs has to do me.

Oh, I know someone who
might toss you one.

Really?

He sounds dreamy.

There he is.

He'll have sex with you.

[COWBELL RINGS]

Because you're a cow!

[ALL LAUGHING]
[CRYING]

Good one.

Toot!

So, um, I wasn't expecting

to see you here.

[CHEWING]

Especially since I
didn't hear from you

after Santa Barbara.

Look. I think we
should just be friends.

All right. Then let's
go to the movies.

I don't think that's
a very good idea.

Friends go to the movies!

Doc, you gots to help me.

I don't wanna be a ho.

Now why come I can't stop doin'

the Ethiopian boredom dance?

The cure to your
nymphomania lies

in unlocking a repressed memory

through hypnosis.

Ooh, that's a nice deuce zero.

Picture yourself in
your happy place.

Except this time,
there are no men there,

and it's not the
bathroom at white castle.

Dig into your past, Foxxy.

Release the repressed memory…

[ECHOING] Memory…memory…

Oh, yeah.

I thinks I'm
rememberin' somethin'.

Hey, that kid's
like a little girl

goin' into a pretzel store.

Little kid goin' into
a pretzel store-buh?

Yeah. She's about
to get a-salted.

Uh-oh! Hey!

Yeah! All right!

[PINBALL BUMPERS RINGING]

This-buh is innocent-buh fun.

Jumpin' makes my chest hurt.

WOOLDOOR: That's it.

Awake! Ooh.

Doc, that memory
don't mean nothin'.

It's just a episode of one
of my most favourite shows.

That was no show. That
was your childhood.

Get out!

And that was no little girl.

- That was you!
- Well, I'll be!

And the worst part
is they violated you.

Oh, lordy!

And that explains your
promiscuous behaviour.

Wow! Hypnosis is
a powerful tool.

And it must not be abused.

That's strange…

My nose itches!

[SCRATCHES]

[CHICKEN DANCE PLAYS]

[CLUCKING]
[APPLAUSE]

[POOT]

I wanted to cheer Toot up.

There must be some way

for disgusting,
hairy, ugly fat chicks

to get laid. After all,

Israeli women keep
getting pregnant.

Calm down, Toot.

You're not some kind
of hideous beast.

Go away, leave me alone.
I hate you!

You just need a makeover, Toot!

We'll get you some clothes

that are a bit more
flattering on a girl

with your hideous,
beastly body type.

Hey, you'll have
a guy in no time.

Really? He sounds dreamy.

[LIKE A MONKEY]
Ooh ooh, ahh ahh.

Here we are!

The large Bryant
really big and fat

and not tall but fat store.

Perhaps you should try

the full-figured
gal's best friend…

The muumuu.

Gimme!

Oh, muumuu,

you're amazing.

Wrap it up!

[SCATTING]

You're the cure to all
my problems, muumuu.

I love you, muumuu.

[HORN HONKS]

Muu…muu…

Muu…ah.

[INDIAN ACCENT] Oh! Oh, my god.

We have hit the most
sacred of all creatures

in our completely
sensible religion…

a cow!

Oh, my hundreds of goofy gods!

We must take her back

to our hideously decorated home

and nurse her back to health

with our horrible-tasting food.

[SITAR MUSIC PLAYING]

FOXXY, NARRATING: Now
that Wooldoor had released

the memory of my trauma,

I needed to confront
my assailants

and demands an apology!

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I think the brown hornet's

tryin' to tell us something.

What, Phat Allen,

who has absolutely
no affiliation

with Bill Cosby's lovable
character Fat Albert?

I don't know,

but I think it's about
beatin' your meat.

So, what-buh should we-buh

do-buh 'bout it, buh?

I know! Everybody circle up.

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

[RIPS]

Looks like Phat Allen once again

tricked the gang
into a circle jerkle.

But little did they know

Foxxy Brown was about
to fuck up they fun.

You know what I'm sayin'?

[FLIES BUZZING] Ooh.

Phat Allen and
his junkyard pals.

Uh-oh! A girl.

Put your package away.

[ZIPPING]

Who the hell are you?

You know who I is.

When I was younger,
you violated me.

Hey, hey, what?

Yeah, and the rest of
y'all just watched.

I don't think we'd forget
a sexual experience

that doesn't involve
us circling up

and droppin' snot on
each other's shoes.

Listen, all I lookin'
for is a little apology

so I can stop sluttin' around,

and we can put this whole
ugly mess behind us.

I can't honestly apologise

for somethin' I'm
not even capable of.

Yeah. His diabetes done
affected his meat-is.

Hey, Phat Allen. You're
like a library on Sunday.

A library on Sunday?

Yeah. No circulation.

[ALL LAUGHING]

You did it!

And you know you did it.

Foxxy, they ought to call you

a German porn star's mouth.

German porn star mouth?

'Cause you full of shit.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Laugh it up, ass holes.

In jail.

[BLOWS WHISTLE]

Popo, arrest these criminals.

Ooh, ooh! Hey,
watch the hat, man.

[SCREAMING]

TOOT, NARRATING: It was amazing.

Those morons were worshipping me

like I was some
kind of sacred cow.

And as long as they
didn't find out

that I was merely cow like,

the world was my
deep-fried oyster.

Moo. [COWBELL RINGS]

Oh, beautiful and majestic cow,

may this traditional Indian
dance hasten your recovery.

♪♪ Rasta hamara takna ♪♪

♪♪ Darawaza khula rakhna ♪♪

♪♪ Rasta hamara takna ♪♪

♪♪ Darawaza khula rakhna ♪♪

♪♪ Mehndi lagake rakhna ♪♪

♪♪ Doli sajake rakhna ♪♪

♪♪ Sehra sajake rakhna ♪♪

♪♪ Chehra chhupake rakhna ♪♪

♪♪ Shava ♪♪

♪♪ Oh eh, oh eh, oh eh ♪♪

♪♪ Shava ♪♪

♪♪ Oh eh, oh eh, oh eh ♪♪

♪♪ Shava ♪♪

♪♪ Oh eh, oh eh, oh eh ♪♪

♪♪ Shava ♪♪

♪♪ Oh eh, oh eh, oh eh ♪♪

♪♪ Shava ♪♪

Holy crap!

That sucked my balls!

[ALL GASPING] It speaks!

Oh, goddamn it!

I mean, moo?

[COWBELL RINGS]

Well, I guess the jig is up.

OK, ass bags,

thanks for the grub
and the retarded dance.

You cannot go, talking cow,

for you are the one!

The one what?

The legendary
sacred talking cow.

We must bring her to the
second-most powerful Indian,

after Kumar from that
white castle movie…

the king of India!

[GASPS] The king of India?

He sounds dreamy!

♪♪ Rasta hamara takna ♪♪

♪♪ Darawaza khu… ♪♪

Oops! Looks like fat ass
is on her way to India.

Meanwhile, Foxxy's giving
my boys a mess of trouble.

You know what I'm sayin'?

Unh!

[CHEWING]

Now, Missy, are the scoundrels

that perpetrated
this unthinkable act

upon your body,

are they here today
in this courtroom?

They right over there,

where I usually sit.

Your witness.

Miss Love,

isn't it true you
like a bowlin' ball?

A bowlin' ball?

Yeah. You get fingered
and thrown in the gutter

20 times a night.

[ALL LAUGHING]

JUDGE: Mm-hmm.

You mind standin' up
and showin' the court

your very revealin' outfit?

I stress-u-ously object.

You can'ts put the
victim on trial.

Actually, puttin' the
victim on trial is

a very successful
legal strategy,

and it has worked once again.

Miss Love, I finds you guilty.

[CROWD GASPING]

Oh, lordy.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And as for the rest of y'all,

I order you all to circle up!

[ZIPPING]

[MUSIC LIKE CAPE FEAR PLAYING]

[GRUNTING]

Baby?

- Uh, Foxxy Love?
- Yeah?

We need your cell for
the guard's break room,

so you're free to go.

I said this prison
couldn't hold me.

Whatever.

Now here are your
personal effects…

your wallet, your hattori
hanzo steel samurai sword,

and the list of people

responsible for
putting you in here.

Let me see that list.

[THUNDER CRASHING]

Ohh, yeah, I forgot
about those guys.

Gettin' revenge on them

would be an interestin'
way to express my anger.

[WHISTLING CAMPTOWN RACES]

ATTENDANT, INDIAN ACCENT: Passengers,
if you look out on your left,

you will see a red line

running through a
giant map of the world.

And remember, F.D.A. Laws
prohibit smoking or crapping

anywhere but the bathroom.

We're not in India yet, people.

[SITAR PLAYING]

Oh, great king of India.

Oh-oh, man.

Did you try control,
alt, delete?

Mmm? Mm-hmm.

Mm…how 'bout shutting it
off and turning it back on?

No, no. I am not Indian.

I am Steve, an American
from Texas-land.

[RECEIVER CLICKS,
DIAL TONE HUMS]

Oh! Ohh!

Is it my fault she was kept
on hold for 15 minutes?

I don't think so.

[SIGHS]

Now, what is your name,
and how may I help you?

Oh, we have something most
wonderful to show you.

Behold!

♪♪ Rasta hamara takna ♪♪

♪♪ Darawaza khula rakhna ♪♪

♪♪ Rasta hamara tak… ♪♪

[BONES CRACK]

She is a beautiful cow.

Ohh…ohh…

But so what?

So what?

I'm a goddamn talking
cow, that's so what!

Now, who does a talking
cow have to screw

to get some goddamn
cheese around here?

The prophecy has been fulfilled!

You, talking cow, are
now our supreme ruler!

[CROWD CHEERING AND CHANTING]

You want me to be
your supreme ruler?

That means you must
obey my every command!

OK, everyone, circle up!

[CROWD CHEERS]

[ZIPPING]

What the fuck are
you lookin' at?

I've killed a hell
of a lots of people

to get to this point.

I went on what the movie
advertisements refer to

as a roarin' rampage of revenge.

I roared, and I rampaged.

And I gots bloody satisfaction.

[CLUCKING]

And now I am goin' to kill Bill…

Cosby's most beloved
character, Phat Allen.

The sacred cow
must be pleasured!

I need more men to service me!

Man, I sure am showin' Foxxy!

I've taken more penises than
all the land mines in Vietnam.

[FLATULENCE]

The village of tandoori
refuses to send any more men

to have sex with you.

Burn the village to the ground!

And bring me another
side of yoghurt sauce.

But, sacred cow, you have already
had sex with 9 million men!

That is almost .02 percent

of this town's population!

I said more yoghurt sauce!

This shocking footage
of a sex-crazed,

tyrannical cow leader
comes to us from India.

Apparently, India is
some sort of country

way on the other side of earth.

[LAUGHING]

You heard it here first.

Oh, my. The whole state of
India thinks Toot is a cow.

Oh, but it doesn't
make any sense.

Uh, I mean, I…

I took her to the mall,

and I bought her a muumuu,

and then… wait a minute.

Muu…muu.

I see what must have happened.

Toot needs us!
Let's go to India!

Grab on to my legs.

[GRUNTING]

Oh, Phat Allen…

Come out and play-ee-ay!

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

somebody slaughtered
my gang today.

They ought to call you daddy.

Daddy?

'Cause you missed terribly.

Aah! Ehh.

Damn, that was the sword

I was gonna use to
kill Phat Allen.

[SPRINGS POP]

Hey, hey, hey, hey,

I ain't lettin' you get away.
[CHUCKLES]

[ZAPPING] Yow!

They ought to call you guy who
refuses to marry my mother.

The guy who refuses
to marry my mama?

'Cause you always
just hangin' around.

Looked like things looked
pretty bad for the Foxxy.

But then she remembered
her ivory ben wa balls.

You know what I'm sayin'?

'Cause I don't.

[CLINKS]

They ought to call
you Lance Armstrong.

'Cause I only gots
one ball left?

Wait a minute. Isn't
Lance Armstrong

that guy who hangs upside
down from giant magnets?

Wait!

I swear,

we never touched
an innocent girl

in our lives.

We ain't Bill Cosby.

We're just his creations.

Why should I believe you?

Because he's telling
the truth, Foxxy.

They never touched you.

[ORGAN NOTE PLAYS]

Oh, lordy!

ATTENDANT: OK, folks,
once we have cleared

the giant map, we'll be climbing to
our cruising altitude of 138 feet,

so we invite you to sit
back and enjoy the flight.

And remember, your
seat cushion can double

as the wall to an
awesome pillow fort.

Yes, what do you want?

Listen, Indian dude,

there's been a horrible mistake

with your new leader.

You see, I gave our
house mate a muumuu,

and now your entire
country thinks she's a cow.

Yeah, but she's not a cow.

A cow's 4 stomachs
are on the inside.

There is no way anyone could
mistake a woman for a cow.

Now, a whale, that
would make sense.

As implausible as it seems,

she's not a cow.

They have called the
sacred talking cow

a not-cow.

Arrest them!

Take them into the courtyard.

They must be hung!

Well, I don't like
to blow my own horn.

Though, for 5 bucks, I can.

Oh, I get it. You
have a big penis.

Pretty good. Pretty good.

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]

I love public hangings.

[CHEERING]

Today, we are putting to death
4 blasphemous foreigners.

What the Toot? Wait a minute!

Those turd stains
are my house mates.

They said you were not a cow.

Aww! They said that?

Of course, if that is true,

we will no longer
treat you as a god

and let you screw
anyone you want.

Really?

But I was finally
proving to Foxxy

that I could be as
big a whore as she is.

Come on, Toot.

Would you rather
spend your entire life

with people who
think you're a cow

or with your friends,

who only call you a cow
to hurt your feelings?

Plus, we have a
2-for-1 quiznos coupon.

Oh. You're right, guys.

You do have a 2-for-1
quiznos coupon!

Overeducated, helpful tech
support people of India,

get a third eyeful!

I am not a cow!

[ALL GASP]

We have been hosed! Get them!

[ALL YELL]

Go! Go! Get them. Go!

[ZAPPING]

[PLAYING FLUTE]

Aah! Hold on, guys!

[BOWLING PINS CRASH]

Well, now that I've
proved I'm desirable

by forcing millions of
Indians to make sex with me,

I only need one more thing.

Uh, Ru-486?

Nah, I was, like, 220-somethin'
last time I checked.

[RIMSHOT]

Phat Allen never
touched you, Foxxy.

I merely implanted a false
memory in your slutty brain

when I hypnotised you.

[GIGGLES] Isn't that crazy?

Why would you do that?

Because that's what
psychiatrists do.

We plant false memories
to help people feel better

about how horrible they are.

They should just call me
childhood vaccinations.

Childhood vaccinations?

'Cause I've been
killin' innocent kids.

Oh, Phats Allen,

I so sorry for
massacring your gang.

I guess the person I should
have massacred was Dr. Wooldoor.

Hey, hey, wait! Before you
do anything you'll regret,

just remember…

my nose itches.

Scratch, scratch, scratch.

[CLUCKING]

Bawk bawk bawk.

[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Implanted memories are great!

ALL: ♪♪Na, Na, you can
be a total ass hole ♪♪

♪♪ Na, Na, you can
be a total shit ♪♪

♪♪ And you won't have
to feel bad about it ♪♪

♪♪ No matter how many
folks you kill or screw ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause nothing will ever
have to be your fault ♪♪

♪♪ That's what implanted
memories do for you ♪♪

And that's why they're cool!

♪♪ Na, Na, you can
be a total ass hole ♪♪

♪♪ Na, Na, you can
be a total shit ♪♪

[VOMITS]

♪♪ Na, Na, be a child-molesting
serial-killer cannibal ♪♪

♪♪ Na, Na, tell the world
to suck your fuckin' di… ♪♪

[KIDS LAUGHING]

[ONGOING FLATULENCE]

[FLATULENCE CONTINUING]

[FLATULENCE SPUTTERS
AND CONTINUES]

[FLATULENCE FADES]

[FLATULENCE RESURGES]

[FLATULENCE SPUTTERS]