Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 3, Episode 11 - Drawn Together Babies - full transcript

CHORUS: ♪♪ ooh ee, ooh,
ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪♪

♪♪ Drawn Together babies ♪♪

♪♪ We're cute little
girls and boys ♪♪

♪♪ We use imagination like
athletes use steroids ♪♪

I like to follow the rules.

I think tolerance is cool.

Yeah, familiness!

And cleanliness!

I love my chastity.

No goofin' round for me.

I like cars and girls!



I like to sleep on my stomach.

And I'm also in this song.

♪♪ Drawn Together babies,
we poopy in our beds ♪♪

♪♪ We are so adorable ♪♪

♪♪ You'll want to
smash our heads in ♪♪

♪♪ Drawn Together babies ♪♪

Hey, guys! Look what
grandpa taught me.

Ugh!

Cool! Just like
wacky wall walkers!

[GRUNTS]

Hey, Spanky, let's race.

[SPLATTERS]

I don't know. That
seems unsanitary.

Foxxy, how about you?



A'ight, but I'm real shy.

So won't you please pretend
I'm the genocide in Sudan

and turn your head?

What's a genocide?

How should I know?
I'm just a baby.

[TEARING]

[CHEERING]

[CHEERING]

Attica! Attica!

Stop at once!

I'm telling mommy.

You're such a tattle-tale,
you adopted homo!

I was not adopted!

[GRUNTING]

Children, are you being naughty?

Uh-uh. Nuh-uh.

Why don't you ever
pick us up, mommy?

Uhh! Ugh!

They threw their diapers
against the wall.

You should punish them
with severe force.

Then maybe they will
love you like I do.

[SNIFFS]

Oh, god. I love you so much.

Remember, kids, lying is wrong.

ALL: We're sorry, mommy.

Kids, this is Charlotte,
your baby-sitter.

Hi, Drawn Together babies.

Now, you be good
little boys and girls…

and one adopted homo…

while mommy and daddy are
at court-ordered therapy.

MAN: Sweetie, I don't
want to be late,

so could you move your fat ass?

Shut the hell up, you
drunken, unemployed bastard!

You're gonna wake up Sid!

[FLIES BUZZING]

Uh, Mrs. Baby-sitter, do you want
to play with us and our imag…

Listen up, you little bastards!

My boyfriend Chad Huffington,

heir to the Huffington pants
fortune, is coming over,

so you ass holes
better shut the hell up

and stay in your fucking rooms.

Don't worry, ma'am.
I'll patrol the hallway

and make sure they stay put.

Spoken like a true
ass-kissing adopted homo.

This baby-sitter's
even worse than the one

who liked to tickle
us with her cigarette.

Aww. I'm not ready to go to bed.

Me neither!

Guys, we don't
have to go to bed.

I got a plan.

[FLATULENCE]

Now, let's go over the plan.

Xandir.

Captain Hero is
patrolling these hallways.

At precisely 9:16, when he
turns down this corridor,

I'll signal you by shouting
like some slutty cheerleader

when I give her the shocker!

Good. And Clara?

To make the baby-sitter come,

I'll cry even louder than daddy

after he found out
about black daddy.

And I'll trigger the trap.
And Walter Saget?

I'll knock her in the
closet after she falls in.

Guys, this won't work. The truck
is not lined up with the closet…

ALL: And break!

Ooh, shocker! Ohh!

The pinky action is
what makes it so unique!

Oh, my god!

Mrs. Drawn Together, you whore!

And, Tyrone, I paid you
to kill her, not fuck her!

Hey, dickwads,
I thought I told you to…

whoa! [SCREAMING]

[CRYING]

When Captain Hero
finds out about this,

he's gonna tell mommy and daddy.

We're going to be
in so much trouble!

I can't go back to
the time-out room!

I won't go back!

No!

[WHIMPERS]

Now, y'all, we gotta stay calm!

Let's not act like we
never done this before.

[DOORBELL]

Oh, my god! Who's that?

It must be the
baby-sitter's boyfriend,

Chad Huffington.

Heir to the Huffington
pants fortune?

The same.

What are we gonna do?

BOTH: I got a plan!

I had a plan first.

No, I said I had a plan first!

Well, both of you seem
equally qualified,

but I say we listen to Foxxy,

since black people
deserve a helping hand.

And that is how princess Clara
learned to hate the coloureds.

OK, here's what we gonna do.

We gonna take care of the body.

You guys get rid of Chad.

[ALL GASP]
[WEAPONS CLICK]

Not the African country.
The baby-sitter's boyfriend.

ALL: Aww.

[GUNSHOT]

Charlotte? Are you
there, Charlotte?

It's me, Chad Huffington,

heir to the Huffington
pants fortune.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I'm right here, baby.
Keep your pants on.

Ha ha ha.

Darling! Wherever have you been?

He wants to know where we've been.
What do I tell him?

Tell him we went
to get a haircut.

Don't you think he'd notice
if she got a haircut?

Hurry up! You're so heavy.
Just say something!

Where was I, you ask?

Why, I was making boom-boom.

Oh. Well, you look smashing!

And I love what you've
done with your feet.

Uh-oh!

Um, why don't we sit down on
the couch, Mr. Huffington?

Oh, so clumsy of me. Excuse me.

Oh, Charlotte…

Eww! Grown-up yuck mouth!

Oh, Charlotte, I know
what this is about.

You still want me to tell
my parents about you.

OK…

Well, you're right.
It's time, baby.

Let's tell my
parents everything.

OK…

Ooh, what was that?

Let's do it, Chad.

The 5 of us should have
a talk with your parents.

Great!

You know what'd go smashing
with that trench coat?

Pants!

Pants…they're not just
for chimps anymore.

[ALL GRUNT]

We're almost home free.

[ALL GASP]

Where do you think you're going?

And what do we
have in that chest?

Captain Hero, wait!

Oh, please don't look.
I's so embarrassed.

Oh, you've got nothing
to be embarrassed about.

You're body is kickin', dawg.

If you like that
taste of chocolate,

I could give you a tour
of the whole factory.

Ohh!

Ohh! Whoa!

And that is how Foxxy
Love became a whore.

Hero, we gonna be
running along now.

Later!

Hey, look at that! My
pee-pee bone is back.

Oh, Chad, that tramp is
clearly after your money!

But, mother, this
is the woman I love.

MAN: Love? Ha!

[INHALING]

You don't even
know what love is.

Shut your mouth, my
rebellious brother Chase!

And would you put on
some pants, for god sake?

Pants? Ha!

[INHALES]

I don't even know what pants is.

Chad, no son of mine will
be involved with trash.

Either end this right
now, or you're no longer

heir to the Huffington
pants fortune.

So be it.

Oh, Chad, what are you doing?

What we have is worth
much more than money.

Charlotte, will you marry me?

Will you excuse us
for just a moment?

We'll have a spring
wedding with garlands.

Oh, this is so romantic.

What? Are you people insane?

We're 4 babies in a trench coat.

We have to get out of here!

We murdered someone today!

Ling-Ling's right.

We can't give up on our
one chance at true love.

[ASIAN MUSIC PLAYS]

Oh, Chad, of course
I'll marry you.

[GASPS]

Like a retard
swimming at the Y.,

it's time to dump in the pool.

Push!

Won't mommy and daddy
see the body in the pool?

Ohh, the vacuum will
take care of that.

And besides, mommy and
daddy haven't gone swimming

since the pool's
been integrated.

[RAP MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIREN WAILS]

Aww, crap! Her hand is stuck!

OK. I'll do it.

[GASPS AND SCREAMS]

Holy fucking shit, she's alive!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Oh, my god. The
dead baby-sitter,

we almost drownded her.

Rescue hook coming through!

[SCREAMS]

What the hell are you doing?

She has to die. She
knows our faces.

It's the only way!

You'll thank me for this later!

This is what's
best for everyone,

with the obvious
exception of her!

[VACUUM GURGLES]

I've taken a life.

I feel a black void
growing in my soul,

an infinite darkness
that can never be filled.

[GRUNTING]

[GULPS]

Void filled!
[GLASS BREAKS]

And that is how Toot became
a one-dimensional fat joke.

MAN: Your face is a fat joke!

No. Yours is.

Oh, Chad, our wedding
was so perfect.

Ahh, damn it, Spanky.

We have to get out of here

before mommy and
daddy come home.

Uhh. Let a man
take care of this.

Ahh, why don't you run along

on your daily walk
to the coffee shop?

Heh heh heh. Ohh, there.

Now we can go home and…

ohh, what are you doing here,

Chad's rebellious brother Chase?

I should be askin'
you the same thing.

I thought we were
gonna be together.

No. No, we're with Chad!

Oh, sure. Chad can give
you a stable, boring life.

But can he give you this?

Uh, mm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Wow.

And that is how Xandir

became a homo.

Ohh, that was incredible.

Chase is right. Chad
gives us stability,

but none of that means
anything without passion.

I think we know
what we have to do.

♪♪ Ling-Ling want
to sex you up ♪♪

♪♪ Tick tock, you don't stop ♪♪

Oh, thank you. Oh,
thank you so much.

Arigato. Thank you.

Chad's rebellious brother Chase,

we've decided to leave
Chad and run away with you.

Oh, char.

Honey! I forgot my wallet.

[GASPS]

Charlotte? My rebellious
brother Chase?

Me?

[FLATULENCE]

Guys, we'll be scot-free

as long as we keep
our mouth shut.

Mouths shut about what?

Uh, nothing.

We weren't talking
about anything.

Murder? Who said
anything about murder?

Walter, how would you
like to come play with me

on my sit 'n spin?

Walter's gonna rat us out.

We got to move the
body to somewhere

Captain Hero would
never find it.

Then put it in your g-spot.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

What's a g-spot?

How should I know?
I'm just a baby.

How could you? And with my
rebellious brother Chase?

Charlotte's coming with me,

'cause she's carrying… [INHALES]

My unborn child.

[GASPS]

XANDIR, LING-LING, CLARA, AND SPANKY:
We're pregnant?

LING-LING: ♪♪ dum dum dum ♪♪

You bastard! It
could be my baby!

You son of a bitch,
take that back!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING]

Oh, my god! Chad! Chad's
rebellious brother Chase!

Stop it! They're
gonna kill each other!

I don't want our baby
growing up without a father.

Quick, Spanky, pee on the floor.

Are you crazy?

I'm not supposed to
pee outside my diaper.

Mommy says so.

Trust me. I know what I'm doing.

I'm sorry, urine fairy.

Ohh. Yeah. [URINATING]

Oh, yeah. Hey, hey!
That feels kinda nice.

And that is how
Spanky came to love

the wonderful
world of excrement,

almost as much as I do.

Ready!

My water broke!

Oh, my god.

We have to get her
to the hospital.

CHASE: Don't forget the birthing mix!
The birthing mix!

Oh, my! Let's go! Let's go!

Uh, guys, did you
forget something?

BOTH: Sorry.

[LAUGH TRACK AND APPLAUSE]

So, Walter Saget, I don't
suppose you know anything

about that missing baby-sitter.

How should I know?

I'm just an innocent
and pure little baby.

Maybe she went to wash
out her dirty snatch.

I don't feel so good.

Hurry up, Foxxy! Walter's no
match for the sit 'n spin!

I'm trying, but
the bitch is stuck!

[INHALES]

[SONAR BEEPING]

[COW MOOS]

If you tell me everything,
I can talk to the D.A.

About extenuating circumstances.

Extenuating circumstances?
What's that mean?

How am I supposed to know?
I'm a goddamn baby!

What the hell took you so long?

She was stuck, but I got some
help from my animal friends.

Thanks, Flipper.
Thanks, Tori Spelling.

Congratulations on the baby!

Quick! Let's get that
body out of here!

Now tell me what I wanna know!

Tell me what I wanna know!

OK! OK! We killed the baby-sitter
and dumped her in the pool.

Killed her? I knew it!

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTS]

[MUMBLING]

Whee!

Whee? Why the hell
did you say, "whee"?

You damaged my internal
organs on the sit 'n spin.

I have to make that
sound every 30 seconds,

or I'll drown in my own bile.

[GURGLING]

Whee!

And that's how Walter Saget

became Wooldoor Saget.

[GRUNTING]

Would you put down them funyuns

and help me pull this bitch?

[GASPS] Hey! Them
ain't yo' funyuns!

Them's Foxxy funyuns.

And that is how Foxxy learned
that them ain't your funyuns,

them's Foxxy's funyuns.

Well, it looks like we made it.

We totally safe until I
turn around and bump into…

[GASPS] Captain Hero!

Like when daddy plays with
mommy on her woman week,

I've caught you red-handed!

Goddamn it!

When mommy and daddy get back…

[GRUNTS]

Walter? What happened
to your face?

What the fuck
happened to your face?

You're doing great, honey.
Just relax.

Breathe. [INHALES]
Breathe, honey.

Don't you tell the mother
of my child what to do.

Don't you tell the mother
of my child what to do!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

We are so screwed.

Even worse, Ling-Ling is
only 6 centimetres dilated.

Oh, we have no choice! They're
all waiting for a baby,

and we're gonna give 'em one.

[STRAINING]

[GRUNTS]

Does it look like me?

Does it look like me?

He looks more like, uh…

Dr. Lingstein?

Uh, Dr. Lingstein think
he just got paged.

[SCREAMS]

Dr. Lingstein regret nothing!

[THUDS]

[EXPLOSION]

Can you believe it? She
was cheating on both of us.

I can't believe we let
this whore come between us.

Last time I checked,

Huffington pants had 2 legs.

And Huffingtons never turn
their backs on their jeans.

[BOTH VOCALISING]

Oh. It looks like
we've lost both Chad

and Chad's rebellious
brother Chase,

and now, we're all alone.

Don't worry, 4 babies
in a trench coat.

[GASPS] You knew all along?

I'm not a complete idiot.

Besides, it's a lot more
common than you think.

Goo.

[ALL GASP]

Now, you kids run along.

I have to perform an
emergency triple bypass.

Emergency triple bypass?
What's that?

How should I know?
I'm just a baby.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

You think locking me
in here will stop me

from telling mommy
and daddy about…

[SCREAMS]

Captain Hero is totally
gonna tell on us.

What the hell are we gonna do?

MOM: Oh, kids. Kids!

We're home.

Hi, mama. Hi, daddy.

OK, what are you kids hiding?

Nothing. Easter eggs.

Our contempt for you.

Kids, is something
in that refrigerator?

Uh, mama, wouldn't
you rather take a tour

of the chocolate factory?

[GASPS] Black daddy's here!

Oh, just get out of the
way, you little slut.

What are you doing in
there, Captain Hero?

That Mo-fo's gonna rat us out.

Well, mommy, you're not
going to believe this,

but Foxxy, Toot, and Wooldoor…

were playing
hide-and-go-seek with me.

That's all.

Hey, where's the baby-sitter?

Hello, Mr. Drawn Together.
The others are in bed,

but these 4 are so well-behaved,

I let them stay up to play.

Listen, honey, I'll go ahead
and take the sitter home.

Oh, good. I've been
brewing a major steamer,

and if I don't drop it out soon,

it's gonna tear me to shreds.

Why do you always have
to be so disgusting?

So, Charlotte, you
told your parents

you wouldn't be home
for another hour, right?

Uh, right. Of course.

Well, I forgot to
give you a tip.

[SQUISHING]

[CRYING]

I guess this is what
we get for lying.

Thanks for covering, Hero.

I guess you learned nobody
likes a tattle-tale.

Yeah, right. Whatever.

Listen, I'm gonna be a while.

You guys run along.

I'm gonna spend some
time with my new friend.

Ohh.

And that is how
Captain Hero learned

that dead bodies are
game for anything.

And I do mean anything.

Good night,

and fuck you.

Ready. [SQUISHING]

[DRAMATIC CLASSICAL
MUSIC PLAYING]

[ENGINE WHINING]

[ENGINE WHINING AND SPUTTERING]