Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 1, Episode 3 - Gay Bash - full transcript
After he becomes inordinately excited over the gift of a sewing machine, the other house-mates begin to wonder if Xandir is actually homosexual. He denies it at first, but after undergoing a number of tests, he finally in confronted with the undeniable truth. Meanwhile, Ling-Ling turns out to be an expert at sewing, inspiring Spanky to put him to work making knock-off sneakers. This angers the army of child garment workers who show up to put and end to the unwelcome competition.
Hey!
Ooh! Aah! Hey!
[SQUISH]
OK, who left their
golden ring of qwelldar.
In the fucking crapper?!
Guilty! Ha ha! Sorry.
Oh. Is this yours?
Come and get it, big boy.
[EXHALES]
[FOGHORN BLOWS]
[XANDIR WHIMPERS]
[SQUISH]
[SUCTION]
Fabbo! That makes 100! [GIGGLES]
Ooh, now I can jump with a spin!
Whee!
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Oh, tch, I thought it was cute.
Houseguests, please
report to the living room.
WOOLDOOR: Since we've gone
5 days without a hate crime,
we were rewarded with
a new household item.
I sure hope it's a new stereo.
Ours is getting old.
[SQUAWKS] It's a living.
[REALITY TV MUSIC PLAYS]
PRODUCER: Roommates, we have
decided to reward you with...
Come on, television...
A brand-new 36-inch plasma...
Booyah!
Sewing machine!
[DEFLATED] Booyah.
Gee, Mr. Hero,
we can always sew a television.
That has to be the
dumbest thing I've heard.
Since I taught those
special-Ed classes,
but seriously,
those kids try hard.
[LING-LING GRUNTS]
Oh. Oh. Oh.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
ANNOUNCER: Coming up
on Drawn Together...
[KA-CHING]
Damn. That Asian
thing sure can sew!
[KA-CHING]
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Spanky ham, and you are...
Well, Mr. Asian gibberish,
I've got a business
proposition for you.
I thought the sewing
machine was pretty lame,
but somebody was happy about it.
You know I'm talking
about the queer, right?
I'm so happy we finally
got a sewing machine.
I've been so looking forward
to finishing my tea cozy.
Have you ever seen anything so adorable?
[GIGGLES]
Dude, you are so gay.
You know something?
These jokes you make,
they can be so hurtful.
Strong, Xandir. Strong, Xandir.
Breathe!
Come on, Xandir. We
all know you're gay.
You don't have to
keep livin' a lie.
You know, I used to
say I wasn't black.
I'd just tell everybody I fell
into a vat of chocolate puddin'.
[SLURPS]
You mean, this isn't pudding?
Did I tell you to stop lickin'?!
[SLURPS]
But, Xandir, I finally
admitted the truth,
and so should you.
Hello.
I'm on a never-ending quest
to save my girlfriend.
What more proof do you need?!
How about this?!
[CATS SCREECH, TRAIN WHISTLES]
"Acme gay test." Hmm.
[DEEP VOICE] Let's do it.
OK, QUESTION ONE:
You gay?
No!
QUESTION 2:
Homo say what?
First of all, Foxxy,
I'm not an idiot.
OK, I've heard that one,
like, a million times,
and secondly... wait, what?
Tell me the first thing you see.
Cock?
Willie.
Wang.
Woody.
Wood...
Pecker.
Blue-vein custard-chucker.
One-eyed wiggling Welshman.
Pink-helmeted, milk
shooting man banana.
Plunging into the
hole of an ass!
We're gonna make imitation
name-brand sneakers,
ones that everyone will likey,
but our sneakers will
be bigger and cooler.
And more sneakery.
Can ya do it, little buddy?!
Ah-so.
That's a good oriental.
We're gonna do great things,
just like fat man
and little boy!
Oh, hai!
Yeah! Now make 100
more, and big ones!
They ain't for them
midget girl feet.
You Asiatics get off on!
Well, according to this game,
you real gay.
Of course Xandir's gay!
Why else wouldn't he be
attracted to all this?
'Cause you're fat, and
nobody likes fat chicks.
Whee!
CAPTAIN HERO: Dude,
I like fat chicks.
[SQUAWKS] It's a living.
Let me see that box.
Hey, this gay test
is for ages 6 to 12.
It doesn't even apply to me!
Xandir continued protesting.
That he was in fact straight,
so I turned to the bible.
And was reminded of
the one true test.
Of a man's sexuality...
The mysterious and
deadly woodbeast.
[THUNDER]
ALL: Woodbeast... woodbeast...
PRINCESS CLARA: Deep
inside this stump of tree.
Lives the all-knowing woodbeast.
Choose a hole and
stick your hand in.
Should the beast bite you,
then it is true. You
are indeed homosexual.
[WHIMPERS]
Aah! My arm!
Aah! I'm gay!
Xandir, please come on out.
It's totally cool that you gay.
Stop beatin' yourself up.
Seriously, Xandir, it's not
your place to punish yourself.
It's god's.
Leave me alone!
I'm taking another gay test.
What? The only test in
there is a pregnancy test.
Oh, great. Now I've
got 2 problems.
Man, this is some bullshit.
We gonna need to knock
some sense into this child,
and I know just the thing.
Gay bash!
Aah!
ALL: Surprise! It's a gay bash!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Xandir, look around you.
Everything the light
touches is gay.
[LION KING LIKE
MUSIC] ♪ hey, ohh ♪
♪ Homo-oh ♪
♪ Ohh! ♪
♪ Homo-oh ♪
♪ Ee-ya homo ♪
Ya see, all Xandir needed
was to be surrounded.
By his queer peers.
Now, come on.
Heavens to murgatroid!
You're fabulacious, even!
Wow. What a weer end.
Ohh, hello, hello,
hello, Captain Hero.
I not see you since initiation
into league of heroes.
Zip it!
What happens in bizarro world.
Stays in bizarro world.
Well, technically,
bathroom at bus station.
Not considered bizarro world.
Huh?
Aah! [CAT SCREECHES]
Come on, Xandir, dance!
Oh, um, I don't know how.
Oh, sure you do.
Everyone knows how.
Well, um, I do have
a special move,
but, uh, y-you'll just laugh.
Don't be siwwy, siwwy.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
MAN: Oh, wow!
That is reawwy hot.
He's one of us now.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
Finally I could be
who I really was:
A gay Xandir!
I reawwy, reawwy
wike you, wandir.
Oh, and I... I weally wike you.
Shh. Be vewwy, vewwy quiet.
I'm gonna rewease
your thwobbing member.
From its leather prison.
[CHAINS AND BUCKLES
BECOME UNDONE]
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Uh... ohh.
Yeah, will do.
That was the NBA.
If we can produce 10,000 more
fake name-brand sneakers,
by this time tomorrow,
we'll be rich,
rich, I tells ya!
Ohh...
I know, Ling-Ling.
What you need is some
good, old-fashioned.
Positive reinforcement.
You can do this.
[SNAP SNAP]
You're special
'cause you're you!
There's 2 is in "Ling-Ling."
Just do it!
If you conceive it,
you can achieve it!
[SINGING SAD SONG IN JAPANESE]
Oh!
Aah!
[SONG ENDS]
♪ Can you feel it? ♪
XANDIR: Oh, ho! It was the
best gay bash of my life,
and I didn't think anything
or anyone could ruin it,
but I was wrong.
Gay wrong.
Packie, hey.
I didn't expect to see you here.
[LISPING] Oh, I could
say the same thing.
This is juicy, huh?
Does your girlfriend know?
Oh, uh, listen, pac-man,
I know your ex and my
girlfriend are good friends,
but let's keep this
between us, huh?
I mean, there's no reason ms.
Pac-man needs to know I'm gay.
Oh, sweetie,
I think she already knows.
Ohh, you and pac-man, huh?
Heh, well, you won't be the
first fruit he ate. Ha ha ha!
Yeah! Go, Foxxy!
It's your birthday!
Not for real, real,
just for play, play.
Oh, my god! Foxxy,
don't you understand?!
That big-mouth tranny is gonna
tell my girlfriend I'm out!
Oh, my god!
She's gonna freak!
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?!
Hmm. I wonder what this is for.
Man, you shoulda seen me out
there on the dance floor.
I was dancin' and... what the...
Hello.
You're a funny fella.
What's your name?
[SNIFFS]
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
What a party.
Those gays left the place way
cleaner than it was before!
You better be strong. Call her.
Your girlfriend
deserves to know.
That you love mangina.
XANDIR: Foxxy was right.
She did deserve to know,
and I do love mangina.
Xandir! Thank god you called!
Evil lord slashdab is lowering
me into a pit of mega-cobras!
Sure, listen, before we
talk about your problems,
there's something I have to...
These snakes are
gonna eat me alive!
Shh, shh, sweetheart,
let me just get this out.
I...
I'm gay.
Aah! The venom! It burns!
What? You're gay?
Mes, oui.
But don't worry. I'm still
on a never-ending quest.
To save you!
The hell you are!
I do not want to be
saved by no limp-wristed,
fart-catching,
rump-ranging fairy boy,
so you can just fly
your flesh rocket.
To chocolate land
for all I care.
Good-bye, Xandir P.
Whipplebottom!
Wait! Don't hang up!
[DIAL TONE]
Strong, Xandir. Strong, Xandir.
[DOORBELL]
Mr. Sir, I work at a real
sweatshop in the Vietnam.
Your cheap sneakers make
us lose low-paid job.
We starving in street.
So what you gonna do
about it, Chinese?!
Prease, honourable pig demon,
you take gruel from my mouth
and mouth of 47 brothers.
And one sister.
Oh, yeah? Well, me no Carey!
All my life, I've
had one purpose:
To be on a never-ending quest
to save my girlfriend...
Now that I'm gay,
I... I have no purpose.
I... I wish I were dead.
Oh, come on. If you're
in a bus station.
And they sell postcards
from bizarro world,
you have to assume you're
in bizarro world, right?
I mean, am I crazy?
XANDIR: Good-bye, cruel world!
Aah! [ELECTRONIC WHINE]
Oh, my god! Xandir!
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
Whoo, lord, thank god you
ain't dead for real, real,
just for play, play.
Good-bye, cruel world!
Aah!
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
Good-bye, cruel world!
This could take a while.
[SWORD UNSHEATHES
AND PIERCES FLESH]
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
[SLOWLY] Good-bye, cruel world.
Ow.
Xandir spent the entire
night killin' hisself.
[SWORD PIERCES FLESH,
ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
[SWORD PIERCES FLESH,
ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
[SWORD PIERCES FLESH,
ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
Ohh... hah!
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Damn it, Xandir! The noise!
You're keeping us all awake!
Can't you kill
yourself more quietly.
Like bizarro Captain Hero did?!
[ROPE CREAKING]
Uh... yeah. Yeah.
Right, right. Killed himself.
Sure. Tragic.
Sorry. I-I-I'll just
be done in a second.
I only have one life left.
Wait. Maybe instead
of killing yourself,
you could, you know,
just stop being gay?
Clara, that's just stupid.
Homosexuality is
something you born with,
like red hair or a dead twin.
It's not something you
could just wish away.
That's it, black girl!
We'll wish the gay away!
All we have to do is find
the genie in the lamp.
That's a great idea!
Let's do it!
There's only one person.
Who knows where the
genie's lamp is,
and he is sworn to never
reveal its sacred location,
but luckily, I knew
his only weakness.
[SNIFFS]
Ahh...
Aah!
Tell us where the lamp is,
you lousy, lying, piece of shit!
Lamp?! I don't know what
you're talking about!
Listen, bitch, tell
us where the lamp is.
And maybe we talk to the D.A.
About extenuating circumstances.
Guys! Guys! Seriously, I don't
even know what a lamp is.
Fuck this shit! I'm gonna
off this glue-sniffin',
cocksucker right fuckin' now!
I say then do it, man!
I'll talk! I'll talk!
I... I keep the
lamp in my fanny.
I put things in there so I can
pull them out for comic effect.
Aah!
[GLOVE SNAPS]
[SQUEAK AND HISS]
Ohh... ugh!
[HORN PLAYING COMICALLY]
[KA-CHING]
[TEETH CHATTERING]
WOOLDOOR: A little to the left.
A little left!
Bingo!
Bingo.
[WHIP CRACKS]
LING-LING: Aiee!
Ohh!
Aiee!
Ohh!
Well, that's the last crate.
Ohh!
The NBA gonna pick up
these shoes in an hour.
Yep, I'm gonna be rich, and
nothin' can possibly go wrong.
CHILD: Herro again, Mr. Sir.
We're going to make
you into number 107.
Happy family pork special,
3-kind with delicious sauce.
Choice of rice?
Hot napkin?
Oh, yeah, like, I'm real scared.
Of a bunch of Chinese-eses.
ALL: Separate individuality!
Full mass consciousness!
[ROARS]
Dang, I forgot Asians-Es
can do that. Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ling-Ling, save me!
Use your freaky powers!
Uh-uh.
Aah! [ROARS]
Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh!
PRINCESS CLARA: I really
wanted Xandir to get well,
not only for him, but
for all of humanity.
I sure hope I'm
doing this correctly.
[AS ROBIN WILLIAMS] Hey, hey, I'm
groucho Marx! What's the secret woid?
Now I'm a wacky sailor!
Ah, Ga Ga Ga Ga.
Now I'm a cross-dressing nanny,
and now I'm a wacky doctor who
cures cancer with laughter.
And a big, red nose. Oh!
Jumanji!
Nanu-nanu.
Wow! You're a comic genius!
Tell 'em the rules,
man with moustache!
Contestants get one
wish and one wish only!
Oh! OK. [INHALES DEEPLY]
I wish not to be gay.
Well, then step right up and...
[TIRES SQUEAL]
What you talkin' 'bout, Xandir?
My wish is to no longer be gay.
So I can have my old life back.
Ohh, that is without a doubt.
The single most offensive
wish anyone has ever made...
Next to that stupid
make-a-wish kid.
I mean, come on. A trip to the circus?
Really!
What? But...
No. Sorry, sweetheart.
You can shove that wish up
your gay-hating mangina!
But wait! Genie! Genie!
What's going on?!
Strong, Xandir! Strong, Xandir!
[SOBBING]
I thought I was dead, man,
but suddenly,
I remembered the one thing.
All Asians crave.
Uh, ooh! Honour!
Ling-Ling, you want honour!
Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm!
OK, I'll give you honour,
just kick some Chinese-children-giant
transformer-thing ass!
♪ Ling-Ling into battle go ♪
Uhh!
♪ Fulfil destiny of the soul ♪
♪ Severed skulls of adversary ♪
♪ Shove it in the poo-poo hole ♪
♪ All the children sing ♪
KIDS: ♪ kill, kill, kill,
kill, die, die, die ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill, kill... ♪
[SINGING JAPANESE VERSION
OF "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY"]
Play, play.
Why are you so happy?
I was gonna make millions
off this NBA deal.
Now we got nothin' except
a bunch of sweatshop kids.
[KA-CHING]
[ORGAN PLAYING IN ARENA]
Being on feet of shaquille
o'neil great honour.
That honour not so great.
Lebron James is the future!
I'm so glad we could help
our new Chinese friends,
and, Ling-Ling,
I haven't forgotten.
My promise to you.
[PURRS]
Xandir, don't worry.
We'll figure something out.
No, we won't.
I should have killed myself
when I had the chance.
You could still
kill yourself now.
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't kill yourself.
Hey, look, buddy, there's
lots of gay reasons to live.
I, myself, enjoy the ballet, crepes,
and snerd nurgling for dollars. Ohh...
Wait, you mean,
you're a gay, too?
Uh, duh!
Gee, but you're so handsome.
And witty and perfectly dreamy.
And you're whiny and self-hating
and most likely bi-polar.
You're exactly my type!
Could this be it?
Could this be love?
Gay love?
Say, why don't you
come into my lamp,
and I do mean that as a
double-entendre. [PURRS]
Yes, sir!
Comin' in the lamp! Hubba hubba!
Aah!
Wha ha ha ha ha!
Lord slashdab?!
I will steal this magic lamp.
For no particular reason!
Oh!
Wha ha ha ha ha ha!
No! I loved him!
He was my...
My everything!
Yeah, Xandir. You'll feel
better after you kill yourself.
Kill myself?
No way!
I have to save the genie.
In fact, dare I say it?
I am Xandir,
and I am on a never-ending
quest to to save my boyfriend!
Did you hear that, Clara?
Why, yes.
Ah ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Eww, don't touch me.
So Xandir finally found
new purpose and a new love,
and like all fairy-tale endings,
I'm sure he'll live
happily ever after...
Until god casts him into the
fiery pits of hell, of course,
but until then, he'll be happy.
That Clara is such an asshole.
I love the gays!
Come on. They're adorable.
And calling hair gel "product,".
That's just fancy,
that's what that is.
Ha ha ha ha!
What the...
Hello. You're a funny fella.
[SNIFFS]
What's your name?
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
[CHILD LAUGHING]
♪ Ling-Ling into battle go ♪
♪ Fulfill destiny of the soul ♪
♪ Severed skulls of adversary ♪
♪ Shove it in the poo-poo hole ♪
♪ All the children sing ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill,
kill, die, die, die ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill,
kill, die, die, die ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill, kill ♪
♪ Die, die, die ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill, kill ♪
♪ Die, die, die ♪
Ooh! Aah! Hey!
[SQUISH]
OK, who left their
golden ring of qwelldar.
In the fucking crapper?!
Guilty! Ha ha! Sorry.
Oh. Is this yours?
Come and get it, big boy.
[EXHALES]
[FOGHORN BLOWS]
[XANDIR WHIMPERS]
[SQUISH]
[SUCTION]
Fabbo! That makes 100! [GIGGLES]
Ooh, now I can jump with a spin!
Whee!
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!
Oh, tch, I thought it was cute.
Houseguests, please
report to the living room.
WOOLDOOR: Since we've gone
5 days without a hate crime,
we were rewarded with
a new household item.
I sure hope it's a new stereo.
Ours is getting old.
[SQUAWKS] It's a living.
[REALITY TV MUSIC PLAYS]
PRODUCER: Roommates, we have
decided to reward you with...
Come on, television...
A brand-new 36-inch plasma...
Booyah!
Sewing machine!
[DEFLATED] Booyah.
Gee, Mr. Hero,
we can always sew a television.
That has to be the
dumbest thing I've heard.
Since I taught those
special-Ed classes,
but seriously,
those kids try hard.
[LING-LING GRUNTS]
Oh. Oh. Oh.
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
ANNOUNCER: Coming up
on Drawn Together...
[KA-CHING]
Damn. That Asian
thing sure can sew!
[KA-CHING]
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Spanky ham, and you are...
Well, Mr. Asian gibberish,
I've got a business
proposition for you.
I thought the sewing
machine was pretty lame,
but somebody was happy about it.
You know I'm talking
about the queer, right?
I'm so happy we finally
got a sewing machine.
I've been so looking forward
to finishing my tea cozy.
Have you ever seen anything so adorable?
[GIGGLES]
Dude, you are so gay.
You know something?
These jokes you make,
they can be so hurtful.
Strong, Xandir. Strong, Xandir.
Breathe!
Come on, Xandir. We
all know you're gay.
You don't have to
keep livin' a lie.
You know, I used to
say I wasn't black.
I'd just tell everybody I fell
into a vat of chocolate puddin'.
[SLURPS]
You mean, this isn't pudding?
Did I tell you to stop lickin'?!
[SLURPS]
But, Xandir, I finally
admitted the truth,
and so should you.
Hello.
I'm on a never-ending quest
to save my girlfriend.
What more proof do you need?!
How about this?!
[CATS SCREECH, TRAIN WHISTLES]
"Acme gay test." Hmm.
[DEEP VOICE] Let's do it.
OK, QUESTION ONE:
You gay?
No!
QUESTION 2:
Homo say what?
First of all, Foxxy,
I'm not an idiot.
OK, I've heard that one,
like, a million times,
and secondly... wait, what?
Tell me the first thing you see.
Cock?
Willie.
Wang.
Woody.
Wood...
Pecker.
Blue-vein custard-chucker.
One-eyed wiggling Welshman.
Pink-helmeted, milk
shooting man banana.
Plunging into the
hole of an ass!
We're gonna make imitation
name-brand sneakers,
ones that everyone will likey,
but our sneakers will
be bigger and cooler.
And more sneakery.
Can ya do it, little buddy?!
Ah-so.
That's a good oriental.
We're gonna do great things,
just like fat man
and little boy!
Oh, hai!
Yeah! Now make 100
more, and big ones!
They ain't for them
midget girl feet.
You Asiatics get off on!
Well, according to this game,
you real gay.
Of course Xandir's gay!
Why else wouldn't he be
attracted to all this?
'Cause you're fat, and
nobody likes fat chicks.
Whee!
CAPTAIN HERO: Dude,
I like fat chicks.
[SQUAWKS] It's a living.
Let me see that box.
Hey, this gay test
is for ages 6 to 12.
It doesn't even apply to me!
Xandir continued protesting.
That he was in fact straight,
so I turned to the bible.
And was reminded of
the one true test.
Of a man's sexuality...
The mysterious and
deadly woodbeast.
[THUNDER]
ALL: Woodbeast... woodbeast...
PRINCESS CLARA: Deep
inside this stump of tree.
Lives the all-knowing woodbeast.
Choose a hole and
stick your hand in.
Should the beast bite you,
then it is true. You
are indeed homosexual.
[WHIMPERS]
Aah! My arm!
Aah! I'm gay!
Xandir, please come on out.
It's totally cool that you gay.
Stop beatin' yourself up.
Seriously, Xandir, it's not
your place to punish yourself.
It's god's.
Leave me alone!
I'm taking another gay test.
What? The only test in
there is a pregnancy test.
Oh, great. Now I've
got 2 problems.
Man, this is some bullshit.
We gonna need to knock
some sense into this child,
and I know just the thing.
Gay bash!
Aah!
ALL: Surprise! It's a gay bash!
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
Xandir, look around you.
Everything the light
touches is gay.
[LION KING LIKE
MUSIC] ♪ hey, ohh ♪
♪ Homo-oh ♪
♪ Ohh! ♪
♪ Homo-oh ♪
♪ Ee-ya homo ♪
Ya see, all Xandir needed
was to be surrounded.
By his queer peers.
Now, come on.
Heavens to murgatroid!
You're fabulacious, even!
Wow. What a weer end.
Ohh, hello, hello,
hello, Captain Hero.
I not see you since initiation
into league of heroes.
Zip it!
What happens in bizarro world.
Stays in bizarro world.
Well, technically,
bathroom at bus station.
Not considered bizarro world.
Huh?
Aah! [CAT SCREECHES]
Come on, Xandir, dance!
Oh, um, I don't know how.
Oh, sure you do.
Everyone knows how.
Well, um, I do have
a special move,
but, uh, y-you'll just laugh.
Don't be siwwy, siwwy.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
MAN: Oh, wow!
That is reawwy hot.
He's one of us now.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
Finally I could be
who I really was:
A gay Xandir!
I reawwy, reawwy
wike you, wandir.
Oh, and I... I weally wike you.
Shh. Be vewwy, vewwy quiet.
I'm gonna rewease
your thwobbing member.
From its leather prison.
[CHAINS AND BUCKLES
BECOME UNDONE]
Ha ha ha ha ha.
Uh... ohh.
Yeah, will do.
That was the NBA.
If we can produce 10,000 more
fake name-brand sneakers,
by this time tomorrow,
we'll be rich,
rich, I tells ya!
Ohh...
I know, Ling-Ling.
What you need is some
good, old-fashioned.
Positive reinforcement.
You can do this.
[SNAP SNAP]
You're special
'cause you're you!
There's 2 is in "Ling-Ling."
Just do it!
If you conceive it,
you can achieve it!
[SINGING SAD SONG IN JAPANESE]
Oh!
Aah!
[SONG ENDS]
♪ Can you feel it? ♪
XANDIR: Oh, ho! It was the
best gay bash of my life,
and I didn't think anything
or anyone could ruin it,
but I was wrong.
Gay wrong.
Packie, hey.
I didn't expect to see you here.
[LISPING] Oh, I could
say the same thing.
This is juicy, huh?
Does your girlfriend know?
Oh, uh, listen, pac-man,
I know your ex and my
girlfriend are good friends,
but let's keep this
between us, huh?
I mean, there's no reason ms.
Pac-man needs to know I'm gay.
Oh, sweetie,
I think she already knows.
Ohh, you and pac-man, huh?
Heh, well, you won't be the
first fruit he ate. Ha ha ha!
Yeah! Go, Foxxy!
It's your birthday!
Not for real, real,
just for play, play.
Oh, my god! Foxxy,
don't you understand?!
That big-mouth tranny is gonna
tell my girlfriend I'm out!
Oh, my god!
She's gonna freak!
What am I gonna do?
What am I gonna do?!
Hmm. I wonder what this is for.
Man, you shoulda seen me out
there on the dance floor.
I was dancin' and... what the...
Hello.
You're a funny fella.
What's your name?
[SNIFFS]
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
What a party.
Those gays left the place way
cleaner than it was before!
You better be strong. Call her.
Your girlfriend
deserves to know.
That you love mangina.
XANDIR: Foxxy was right.
She did deserve to know,
and I do love mangina.
Xandir! Thank god you called!
Evil lord slashdab is lowering
me into a pit of mega-cobras!
Sure, listen, before we
talk about your problems,
there's something I have to...
These snakes are
gonna eat me alive!
Shh, shh, sweetheart,
let me just get this out.
I...
I'm gay.
Aah! The venom! It burns!
What? You're gay?
Mes, oui.
But don't worry. I'm still
on a never-ending quest.
To save you!
The hell you are!
I do not want to be
saved by no limp-wristed,
fart-catching,
rump-ranging fairy boy,
so you can just fly
your flesh rocket.
To chocolate land
for all I care.
Good-bye, Xandir P.
Whipplebottom!
Wait! Don't hang up!
[DIAL TONE]
Strong, Xandir. Strong, Xandir.
[DOORBELL]
Mr. Sir, I work at a real
sweatshop in the Vietnam.
Your cheap sneakers make
us lose low-paid job.
We starving in street.
So what you gonna do
about it, Chinese?!
Prease, honourable pig demon,
you take gruel from my mouth
and mouth of 47 brothers.
And one sister.
Oh, yeah? Well, me no Carey!
All my life, I've
had one purpose:
To be on a never-ending quest
to save my girlfriend...
Now that I'm gay,
I... I have no purpose.
I... I wish I were dead.
Oh, come on. If you're
in a bus station.
And they sell postcards
from bizarro world,
you have to assume you're
in bizarro world, right?
I mean, am I crazy?
XANDIR: Good-bye, cruel world!
Aah! [ELECTRONIC WHINE]
Oh, my god! Xandir!
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
Whoo, lord, thank god you
ain't dead for real, real,
just for play, play.
Good-bye, cruel world!
Aah!
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
Good-bye, cruel world!
This could take a while.
[SWORD UNSHEATHES
AND PIERCES FLESH]
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
[SLOWLY] Good-bye, cruel world.
Ow.
Xandir spent the entire
night killin' hisself.
[SWORD PIERCES FLESH,
ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
[SWORD PIERCES FLESH,
ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
[SWORD PIERCES FLESH,
ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
Ohh... hah!
[SPEAKING JAPANESE]
Damn it, Xandir! The noise!
You're keeping us all awake!
Can't you kill
yourself more quietly.
Like bizarro Captain Hero did?!
[ROPE CREAKING]
Uh... yeah. Yeah.
Right, right. Killed himself.
Sure. Tragic.
Sorry. I-I-I'll just
be done in a second.
I only have one life left.
Wait. Maybe instead
of killing yourself,
you could, you know,
just stop being gay?
Clara, that's just stupid.
Homosexuality is
something you born with,
like red hair or a dead twin.
It's not something you
could just wish away.
That's it, black girl!
We'll wish the gay away!
All we have to do is find
the genie in the lamp.
That's a great idea!
Let's do it!
There's only one person.
Who knows where the
genie's lamp is,
and he is sworn to never
reveal its sacred location,
but luckily, I knew
his only weakness.
[SNIFFS]
Ahh...
Aah!
Tell us where the lamp is,
you lousy, lying, piece of shit!
Lamp?! I don't know what
you're talking about!
Listen, bitch, tell
us where the lamp is.
And maybe we talk to the D.A.
About extenuating circumstances.
Guys! Guys! Seriously, I don't
even know what a lamp is.
Fuck this shit! I'm gonna
off this glue-sniffin',
cocksucker right fuckin' now!
I say then do it, man!
I'll talk! I'll talk!
I... I keep the
lamp in my fanny.
I put things in there so I can
pull them out for comic effect.
Aah!
[GLOVE SNAPS]
[SQUEAK AND HISS]
Ohh... ugh!
[HORN PLAYING COMICALLY]
[KA-CHING]
[TEETH CHATTERING]
WOOLDOOR: A little to the left.
A little left!
Bingo!
Bingo.
[WHIP CRACKS]
LING-LING: Aiee!
Ohh!
Aiee!
Ohh!
Well, that's the last crate.
Ohh!
The NBA gonna pick up
these shoes in an hour.
Yep, I'm gonna be rich, and
nothin' can possibly go wrong.
CHILD: Herro again, Mr. Sir.
We're going to make
you into number 107.
Happy family pork special,
3-kind with delicious sauce.
Choice of rice?
Hot napkin?
Oh, yeah, like, I'm real scared.
Of a bunch of Chinese-eses.
ALL: Separate individuality!
Full mass consciousness!
[ROARS]
Dang, I forgot Asians-Es
can do that. Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Ling-Ling, save me!
Use your freaky powers!
Uh-uh.
Aah! [ROARS]
Aah!
Aah! Aah! Aah! Aah! Oh!
PRINCESS CLARA: I really
wanted Xandir to get well,
not only for him, but
for all of humanity.
I sure hope I'm
doing this correctly.
[AS ROBIN WILLIAMS] Hey, hey, I'm
groucho Marx! What's the secret woid?
Now I'm a wacky sailor!
Ah, Ga Ga Ga Ga.
Now I'm a cross-dressing nanny,
and now I'm a wacky doctor who
cures cancer with laughter.
And a big, red nose. Oh!
Jumanji!
Nanu-nanu.
Wow! You're a comic genius!
Tell 'em the rules,
man with moustache!
Contestants get one
wish and one wish only!
Oh! OK. [INHALES DEEPLY]
I wish not to be gay.
Well, then step right up and...
[TIRES SQUEAL]
What you talkin' 'bout, Xandir?
My wish is to no longer be gay.
So I can have my old life back.
Ohh, that is without a doubt.
The single most offensive
wish anyone has ever made...
Next to that stupid
make-a-wish kid.
I mean, come on. A trip to the circus?
Really!
What? But...
No. Sorry, sweetheart.
You can shove that wish up
your gay-hating mangina!
But wait! Genie! Genie!
What's going on?!
Strong, Xandir! Strong, Xandir!
[SOBBING]
I thought I was dead, man,
but suddenly,
I remembered the one thing.
All Asians crave.
Uh, ooh! Honour!
Ling-Ling, you want honour!
Mm-hmm! Mm-hmm!
OK, I'll give you honour,
just kick some Chinese-children-giant
transformer-thing ass!
♪ Ling-Ling into battle go ♪
Uhh!
♪ Fulfil destiny of the soul ♪
♪ Severed skulls of adversary ♪
♪ Shove it in the poo-poo hole ♪
♪ All the children sing ♪
KIDS: ♪ kill, kill, kill,
kill, die, die, die ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill, kill... ♪
[SINGING JAPANESE VERSION
OF "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY"]
Play, play.
Why are you so happy?
I was gonna make millions
off this NBA deal.
Now we got nothin' except
a bunch of sweatshop kids.
[KA-CHING]
[ORGAN PLAYING IN ARENA]
Being on feet of shaquille
o'neil great honour.
That honour not so great.
Lebron James is the future!
I'm so glad we could help
our new Chinese friends,
and, Ling-Ling,
I haven't forgotten.
My promise to you.
[PURRS]
Xandir, don't worry.
We'll figure something out.
No, we won't.
I should have killed myself
when I had the chance.
You could still
kill yourself now.
Wait, wait, wait.
Don't kill yourself.
Hey, look, buddy, there's
lots of gay reasons to live.
I, myself, enjoy the ballet, crepes,
and snerd nurgling for dollars. Ohh...
Wait, you mean,
you're a gay, too?
Uh, duh!
Gee, but you're so handsome.
And witty and perfectly dreamy.
And you're whiny and self-hating
and most likely bi-polar.
You're exactly my type!
Could this be it?
Could this be love?
Gay love?
Say, why don't you
come into my lamp,
and I do mean that as a
double-entendre. [PURRS]
Yes, sir!
Comin' in the lamp! Hubba hubba!
Aah!
Wha ha ha ha ha!
Lord slashdab?!
I will steal this magic lamp.
For no particular reason!
Oh!
Wha ha ha ha ha ha!
No! I loved him!
He was my...
My everything!
Yeah, Xandir. You'll feel
better after you kill yourself.
Kill myself?
No way!
I have to save the genie.
In fact, dare I say it?
I am Xandir,
and I am on a never-ending
quest to to save my boyfriend!
Did you hear that, Clara?
Why, yes.
Ah ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Eww, don't touch me.
So Xandir finally found
new purpose and a new love,
and like all fairy-tale endings,
I'm sure he'll live
happily ever after...
Until god casts him into the
fiery pits of hell, of course,
but until then, he'll be happy.
That Clara is such an asshole.
I love the gays!
Come on. They're adorable.
And calling hair gel "product,".
That's just fancy,
that's what that is.
Ha ha ha ha!
What the...
Hello. You're a funny fella.
[SNIFFS]
What's your name?
[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]
[CHILD LAUGHING]
♪ Ling-Ling into battle go ♪
♪ Fulfill destiny of the soul ♪
♪ Severed skulls of adversary ♪
♪ Shove it in the poo-poo hole ♪
♪ All the children sing ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill,
kill, die, die, die ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill,
kill, die, die, die ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill, kill ♪
♪ Die, die, die ♪
♪ Kill, kill, kill, kill ♪
♪ Die, die, die ♪