Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 1, Episode 2 - Clara's Dirty Little Secret - full transcript

Hmm.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

CLARA: I never thought
it could happen to me,

but it did.

Now usually, I don't listen
to women, or my doctor,

but tonight, Clara's story was
giving me a special feeling.

In my lumpy, lumpy testicle.

So there I was in the hot tub.

With a real live black girl,

when suddenly, she grabbed me.

And forced my soaking
wet body up against hers.



I shuddered with desire.

As my eager young
body melted into hers.

Our excitement steadily built.

As her every touch lit up my
skin with a passionate fire.

My body shook with
tremors of lust.

And dripped with anticipation.

Hunger for her...

Damn it! Clara's pissing me off.

More than fat-free sour cream!

That little whore won't shut
up about that stupid kiss!

Who cares, right?!

Uh-huh... hey!

Stop listening to that
crappy hip-hop music!

I'm talking to you!



Hip-hop? Girl, this
is a book on tape.

CLARA'S STORY:

How I kissed a black girl,

as read by droopy dog.

DROOPY: As her buttery,
maple pelvis gyrated...

Uhhhhhh!

Someone had to do something.

To knock that clueless
bitch down a peg!

Pregnant? I'm not pregnant.

That's crazy, Toot.

You kissed Foxxy, didn't you?

What happens in fairy tales.

After the princess has
her first kiss, hmm?

She runs away with a
sexy one-eyed pirate.

Who loves as
fiercely as he lives.

Not that fairy tale,
Toot-for-brains!

The other one!

Well, let's see.

They live happily ever
after in a castle.

With a couple of... kids!

Oh, my god! I am pregnant!

[SHOUTING IN JAPANESE]

I couldn't sleep a
wink the entire night.

I mean, father would never allow
me to birth a black woman's child.

I had to ask my dear
friend Toot for help.

So, you're sure this will work?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, thank you, Toot.

I knew I could... aah!

Uhh! Ow! Ow! Oh! Oh! Uhh!

Well done.

[SNIFFS]

Darn! You still smell pregnant.

We better try again
and again and again.

Oh! You know what room
would be perfect for this?

BOTH: The M.C. Escher room!

Uhh!

Whoa! Aah!

Uhh! Aah! Ouch!

Aah! Aah!

Uhh!

Uh, Clara,

why you let marshmallow.

Knock you down the stairs again?

Oh, Foxxy, hey.

I'm sorry you have
to find out this way,

but, Foxxy, I'm pregnant
with your love child.

Oh, if I had a child for every
time I said that... and I don't.

Thank you, roe v. Wade.

Apparently, Toot told Clara.

Our kiss got her all knocked up.

Poor pitiful-ass Clara.

So incredibly gullible,

she'll believe
anything you tell her.

Hmm.

He died on the cross
for our sins, you say?

Yeah, I can see that.

And then I found out the princess
doesn't know a damn thing about sex.

Can you imagine?

I mean, how does she get
guys to pay her rent?

Now gather 'round, everybody.

Class is in session.

And if you ain't careful,

you just might learn something.

Now, men and women
is very different.

You see, men are born
with a special pee-pee.

ALL: Ooh! Wow!

Pee-pee rhymes with t.P.,

which is what you
use to wipe your ass.

And women are born
with a vagina...

That I like to call a giggy.

ALL: Oh! Wow!

Giggy rhymes with puppet...

But not very well.

Now, when a man a women
love each other very much,

they do a special hug,

which can feel real nice.

Depending on the size
of a man's hands.

Consensually wrapped
around your neck.

During the special hug,

the man places his pee-pee
inside the woman's giggy.

Wait. Uhh... not there.

OK. A little to... let me do it.

Ahh.

And that's how two people who
love each other very, very much.

Make a welfare check...
I mean, baby.

Thanks for helping out, y'all.

Anytime.

Well, I'm off to the track.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!
Go to your whore!

At least she listens!

So you see, Clara,

you can't get
pregnant from a kiss.

But... but...

Oh, no!

[CRYING]

Well, what's wrong now?

You should be happy.
You ain't pregnant.

[CRYING]

No man will ever want to
put his pee-pee in my giggy.

Sure, they will.

In fact, when you
meet the right guy,

he'll want to put lots
of things down there.

No. No, he won't.

My giggy is a horrible,
horrible place.

My father used to
tell me that, too,

but it is not true.

Your giggy is a beautiful place.

Really?

Is this beautiful?

Aah!

[ROAR]

Aah!

Aah! [ROAR]

Hey, what's all the
screaming about?

Aah! [ROAR]

Aah! [ROAR]

Aah! [ROAR]

Aah! [ROAR]

Aah!

Stop screaming!
You're scaring it!

It's OK, baby.

Nobody's gonna hurt you.

Who's a good boy?

You're a good boy.

It doesn't like loud noises.

You're probably
wondering about my...

Octopussoir.

It's French.

I never shared my story
with anyone before.

It's all so... so... personal.

I told the girls the only
way I could get it out.

Was through interpretive dance.

[SIGHS]

[HUMMING]

[HUMMING]

Really?

When you was but a child,

your evil stepfather put
a curse on your vagina?

What? Weren't you
paying attention?

My evil stepmother...

Mother placed a curse on me.

Uh, duh!

I never understood why she did it...
until now.

No man will ever want to
enjoy the special hug with me.

[CRYING] She did it so I'd
never find my true love.

[CRYING]

Oh, but, please, please
don't tell anybody.

I'm afraid I must ask you guys.

To keep my secret
with a pinky swear.

I'll pinky swear.

Fine. I pinky swear.

[GRAVELLY VOICE] I pinky swear.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

CAPTAIN HERO: Hey, Clara?

Toot told us you have
a monster for a vagina,

and we want to have a
house meeting about it.

How is that even possible?

Oopsy-Tootsie.

I couldn't help myself.

ALL: Ooh!

[ALL GASP]

CLARA: I was really nervous.

My whole life, I worked so hard
to keep my secret a... secret,

but then everyone
was so cool about it.

I mean, it was like a giant
weight was lifted off my vagina.

It's so beautiful,
so magnificent.

Can I pet it?

Oh, sure.

My octopussoir is a
kind and gentle beast.

What the heck?!

They're all like,
"cool" and "neat".

And "ooh, what's that smell?"

Uh-uh! I wasn't
gonna let that slut.

Have something else
the guys wanted!

Ah.

You know, Clara's octopussoir.

Does the cutest thing
when I do this...

Aah!

[BLOWS AIR HORN]

[GROWLING]

ALL: Aah!

[CAR ALARM STARTS]

ALL: Aah!

Jesus! It just ate Wooldoor!

CAPTAIN HERO: Whoa! It
just ate the cameraman!

Hmm. This vagina sure
could use a woman's touch.

[RUMBLING]

Uh... that's a-no good.

Huh? Huh?

[SIGHS]

Everything changed when we discovered
we were living with a monster.

[THUNDER AND LIGHTNING]

XANDIR: We lived in a
constant state of fear.

[DOOR CREAKING] ALL: Huh?

ALL: Whew.

We had to be very, very quiet.

The tiniest of noises could
have awoken the beast.

Even I had to limit myself
to silent-but-deadlies.

[SOFT HISSING]

[SNICKERS]

Shh.

Toot's talking.

And that's the
story of the beast.

That lived between Clara's legs.

Yay. Guys...

Listening... to me... Toot.

CAPTAIN HERO: Toot made us all realise
we might not be around much longer.

I felt it important to start writing
down my innermost thoughts in a journal.

Here's an excerpt.

"I don't know how much
longer I can last in here.

"Papa says that when I get out,

"I can have a new dress.

"When will I have
my first dance,

my first kiss?"

What are you doing?

These are my dreams! Mine!

Shh!

Everybody freeze.

[GROWLS]

[ROARS]

[WEEPS]

Guys, this is no way to live.

I, for one, refuse
to just sit around.

Waiting to be swallowed whole.

By a giant vagina!

Huh?

No, no. OK. No.

No. It's no way to live.

The pig's right,
but what can we do?

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

Ling-Ling's right, damn it!

We must kill the beast!

Kill the beast! Kill the beast!

Misinterpret Ling-Ling!

They all hate me, Foxxy.

They won't even come near me.

It's like I'm some
kind of freak.

Don't worry, Clara.

These things have a way
of working themselves out.

Like that time everybody found out you
had a monster vagina between your legs.

Clara, this is
always hard to say,

especially to a friend,

but we're here to
kill your vagina.

Don't you guys dare!

Sorry, Foxxy, but that
monster is dead meat.

Curtains.

Yeah! Nice! Ho-ho!

Poor Clara was in
hell-a trouble.

So I used all of my
mystery-solving know-how.

To create a brilliant diversion.

SPANKY: What the...?

Where's Clara?

TOOT: We're confused now.

Oh, ho ho!

We fell for the old
neck-sprain-well-lit-pie diversion.

Brava, Foxxy. Brava.

[APPLAUSE]

SPANKY: That's why
she's the best.

Come on, guys!
Clara's getting away!

ALL: Yeah! Ahh!

While Clara was being
chased by the mob,

it was my responsibility as
a mystery-solving musician.

To perform a musical number.
Hit it!

[SIXTIES-STYLE SONG PLAYING]

♪ La la la la, labia ♪

♪ Baby, you got
something for me ♪

♪ In your wizard sleeve ♪

♪ La la la la, labia ♪

♪ Baby, you got
something for me ♪

♪ Some sweet P-T ♪

♪ Coochy coochy, gitchy
gitchy, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Gotta snatch ya, gonna catch
ya yatcha yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Gincha ninja, bearded clam ♪

♪ Furry burger, smiley Sam ♪

♪ La la la la, labia ♪

♪ Baby, you got
something for me ♪

♪ Oh, yes, sirree ♪

♪ Fluffy muffy, stuffy-iffy,
yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

Ah-choo! ♪ I got
a fever for the ♪

♪ Beaver weaver,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Honey pot, geechy pie ♪

♪ Take it to the wild thing ♪

♪ La la la la, labia ♪

♪ Baby, you got
something for me ♪

♪ In your wizard sleeve ♪

♪ La la la la, labia ♪

♪ Baby, you got
something for me ♪

[SONG ENDS]

Hey! That sounded great!

Good job! Fantastic!

We were really...

Get in here, girl.

We're safe in here... for now.

[POUNDING ON DOOR] [GASPS]

[SHOUTING IN JAPANESE]

ALL: Push that door! Come on!
We're gonna get it!

No! 3po...

3po!

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

[ALL YELLING]

FOXXY: We couldn't hold that
door closed much longer.

Foxxy love had to think quick.

ALL: Huh?

There's got to be a way
to break this curse.

The only person who knows
how is my evil stepmother,

and I can't ask her.

We're in a fight.

Fine. I'll call
her on my mirror.

Call evil step-mom.

Ah. Well, well, well.

Look who's finally
calling to apologise.

I'm not apologising!
You should apologise!

For what? Trying
to make you happy?

You thought marrying my
father would make me happy?!

You never gave me a chance!

Why should I?!
You're not my mother!

I never said I was!

Then stop pretending to be!

Clara, your mother's dead!

[GASPS]

The good lord and your father's
drunken carriage driving.

Took her away from us,

and there is nothing
anyone can do about it.

I Miss her.

I Miss her so much, it hurts.

I'm sorry.

Me, too, dear. Me, too.

OK, now that we got
that cleared up,

I should probably tell you how
to break that pesky little curse.

Oh, yes! Oh, yes!

Do tell me how to
break the curse... mom.

Oh, Clara. Thank you.

So I explained to Clara that
she must find her one true love.

Only after love's first kiss
will love take its true form.

That's it! Come on, girl.

Let's break that curse and
find your prince charming.

But... how?

SPANKY: For the
past eleventy weeks,

13 of the world's most
eligible bachelors.

Have vied for the heart
of princess Clara.

Hello, boys.

Hi. Nice to meet you.
What's shakin' baby?

How you doing? I like the belt.

SPANKY: Some
experienced romance...

SPANKY: While others
experience rejection.

You wanted to see
a broken heart?

Well, here you go!

Why doesn't she love me?

I'm so sad!

Me, too!

Make me feel good.

[WEEPS]

Make me feel good.

SPANKY: And of course,
there were dirty dishes.

[HORN HONKS]
[YELLING IN JAPANESE]

Gentlemen, welcome to
tonight's elimination ceremony.

If you receive a rose,

step forward and kiss
princess Clara...

On the octopussoir.

If your kiss breaks the curse,

then you are indeed
Clara's prince charming.

Now I choose.

[TAP TAP TAP]

Bob, please step forward.

[ALL LAUGH]

Oh, bob.

[CHUCKLES] I'm the funny one.

Will you accept this rose?

CLARA: So I handed
out each rose,

and the result was
always the same.

[VOMITING]

[VOMITING]

Clara, gentlemen,

there's only one rose left.

Um, you, kind sir.
What is your name?

[SPANISH ACCENT] I am prince
charming from charmingham.

I am here to find my princess.

[SIGHS]

Prince charming, would
you accept this rose?

No, I shall not.

[ALL GASP]

[GASPS]

Prince charming,

would you accept this rose?

No, I shall not...

Because this rose is for you.

[SIGHS]

ALL: Ahh!

Now that is textbook
charming, huh?

[SMOOCHES]

Ooh!

Oh, yes! Yes!

Wow.

That was beautiful.

That was magical. That was...

True love? Again, so charming.

What the...?

I thought the kiss
would fix everything.

Aah! Aah!

Princess Clara...

What is happening to me?!

Ohh! Aah! Ohh! Aah!

[ROARS]

Ohh! Aah! Aah!

Don't you see?

This is love's true form.

We're meant for each other,

and only each other.

Look, our genitalia are
totally hitting it off.

BOTH: ♪ bo bo, scee
rotten totten ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha, bo bo bo bo ♪

♪ Bo bo scee rotten totten ♪

♪ Ha ha ha ha ♪

♪ Bum bum bum ♪

Freeze!

Uh-uh, you lose.

I know.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You know, I never believed
a monster like me.

Could be with a
monster like that.

[SNORTS] I mean, look at me.

I'm a mess. Arr-harr-harr-harr!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

This was not part of the deal!

Look at my penis!

What happened to my
[BLEEP]damn penis?!

I can not live like this.

This is not charming.

What you mean?

Not on the new rug!

[GUNSHOT] Ohh! Oh, no!

Oh, god.

I just wanted to make
sure this thing worked.

Before I blow my
charming brains out.

Prince charming, Clara,

there's only one bullet left.

[ROARING]

Clara, other roommates,

there's only one monster left.

Spanky is right.

How many more
people have to die?

We must kill the beast!

Kill the beast! Kill the beast!

[SHOUTING IN JAPANESE]

[ALL SHOUTING AT ONCE]

Hey, whoa, wait!

Check it out.

Look at what your
octopussoir is doing.

Oh, it's just writing a check
to a worthwhile charity.

It does that every month.

Eh, likely story.
Kill the beast!

But wait! What's it doing now?

Why, it's helping old Miss
baker with her groceries.

Is it Monday already?

You think we were
born yesterday?

Kill the beast!

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

That's amazing.

How could we have been so blind?

And to think we wanted
to kill the octopussoir.

Clara, we're so sorry.

So, you guys don't
hate my vagina?

Oh-ho, of course not!

No. We were just scared of it.

Because it was different.

And we didn't know the real it.

Oh, yeah. Just like the time.

That we were all scared
of your monster vagina.

What I tell you?

You know, it's just like my
grandfather used to tell me...

It's not what's on the
outside of a vagina,

but what's on the
inside that counts.

[GURGLING]

Aah! Ha! Aah!

Uno, dos... 1, 2, 3, cuatro!

♪ La la la la, labia ♪

♪ Baby, you got
something for me ♪

♪ In your wizard sleeve ♪

[CHILD LAUGHING]

♪ La la la la, labia ♪

♪ Baby, you got
something for me ♪

♪ Oh, yes, sirree ♪

♪ Fluffy muffy, stuffy-iffy,
yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

♪ I got a fever for the ♪
ah-choo!

♪ Beaver weaver,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Honey pot, geechy pie ♪

♪ Take it to the wild thing ♪

♪ La la la la, labia ♪

♪ Baby, you got
something for me ♪

♪ In your wizard sleeve ♪

♪ La la la la, labia ♪