Drawn Together (2004–2007): Season 1, Episode 4 - Requiem for a Reality Show - full transcript

A contest designed by the Producers reveals just how far the house-mates are willing to go for, or with, food.

WOOLDOOR: Ooh, guys, guys, guys,

guys, guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys, guys!

Ha ha ha! Oh, I love this!

Guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys...

[BELL CHIMES]

Guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys,

ha ha ha! Guys, guys, guys!

What? What are you...

[BELL CHIMES]

What the hell is wrong with you?

Aah!



Your head is
freaking me out, man!

What's that?

What? Oh.

We got a note from
the producers.

We're having a
grocery competition.

Grocery competition? Note?

Getting cocky?

We have to fight
for our food now?

These competitions
are bull-Toot.

My head's still all woozy.

From losing the
oxygen competition.

[GASPING]

[LAUGHING]

For the food competition,
we were split into 2 teams.



The winners would
eat like kings,

but the losers would
get no food at all.

And surely starve like Mexicans.

I'm gonna try real hard
to win for us, Mr. Ham.

I promise, I won't
disappoint you.

Shut up, retard.

Enough with the
pep talk, Wooldoor.

Remember, your ass
is on the line.

Really? Aah! Ooh! Hee hee!

Hello? Ha! Hello?

[FART]

Oh, hey, thanks. Yeah,
I'll try my best.

[PFFT]

Oh, come on. Don't
make me say it.

Everyone's listening.

[PFFFT]

Fine. I... I love you, too.

If you love it so much, why
don't you just marry it?

The truth is, we were
married for a brief time,

but one day she gave birth.

To something that
looked nothing like me,

and then jealousy
reared its ugly head.

You going down, Foxxy.

That is, after we kick your
ass in the competition.

You don't know who
you messing with,

so you best check yourself.

What? I'm a superhero, Missy,

and I don't check myself!

Not for you, not for ticks,

and not for melanoma.

CAPTAIN HERO: Our team had to
invent a low-carb cure for polio.

Before the other team could
put an egg in a bucket.

It seems that every week my
team gets the easier challenge.

It also seems that every week

I blow the producers.

Ready, set, go!

Ow!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[BUZZER]

[BUZZER]

[GASPING AND STRAINING]

[BUZZER]

Ohh! Ohh!

For the love of Allah,
who's great and merciful,

haven't you gotten rid
of that polio yet?!

But, Spanky...

TOOT: We won! We won!

We put the egg in the bucket!

Ah ha ha!

Yeah! Yeah!

Fantastic. No food for a week.

And when I don't
eat, I don't crap.

And when I don't
crap, I don't eat.

Oh, you are so dead, wooldork!

Oh, Spanky was right. I blew it.

And now I was dead. Dead!

Why couldn't I get rid
of my polio faster?

I suck!

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

[STUMBLES]

[GLASS BREAKS] Aah!

[BONES CRACKING]

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

SPANKY: Team "a" won
the grocery competition.

And more food than they
knew what to do with.

Meanwhile, we weren't
allowed to eat a damn thing.

[FLIES BUZZING]

[STOMACH GURGLES]

Quit starving so loud, sockbutt!

We wouldn't even
be in this mess.

If it weren't for you.

Karate! Ha-cha!

[SOBBING] Mommy!

I was so, so, terribly hungry.

Oh, Captain Hero?

You want a bite of
my delicious po' boy?

[BONES CREAKING]

No, no, no.

You got to say "pretty please."

With a Foxxy on top."

I've never bowed to any villain.

Or any Asian person,

even thought it's the
polite thing to do.

And I won't bow to Foxxy!

I will not.

I'm a superhero, damn it.

I have my dignity.

I was so happy.

With an unlimited
supply of food,

I could finally fill the
loveless void inside of me.

[GIGGLES] Toot.

[CHEWING]

[GROWLS]

[WOOLDOOR CRYING]

Wooldoor, what's the matter?

Spanky said my stomach
was making too much noise.

So he put it up in that cactus.

Oh, Wooldoor,
Spanky's just a bully.

You have to stand up to him.

I do?

♪ Bullies are people
who hate themselves ♪

♪ Abused at age 6
or molested at 12 ♪

♪ So they pick on others ♪

♪ Isn't it odd? ♪

♪ Because their real
quarrel is with god ♪

♪ Who's afraid of a bully? ♪

♪ Me ♪

♪ Not me ♪

♪ For there are
much better things ♪

♪ To be frightened of ♪

♪ Like people of colour ♪

♪ And gay homo love ♪

♪ So stand up to the bully ♪

♪ Stand tall and true ♪

♪ Just like Jesus stood up
to those misguided Jews ♪

Wow!

You're right!

♪ Now who's afraid of a bully? ♪

♪ Not me ♪

♪ No, not me ♪

♪ When you stand
up to that bully ♪

♪ He'll flee ♪

♪ Oh, yes, he'll flee ♪

♪ Like the pathetic, insecure
cowardly loser he be ♪

Thanks, Clara.

I will stand up to Spanky!

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

CAPTAIN HERO: My super
stomach was super distended.

So, I decided to
put aside my pride.

And my mildly amusing
elephant underwear.

And return to Foxxy.

Foxxy, I'm ready to say.

Pretty please with Foxxy on top.

[SCOFFS] Sorry.

That offer, like my
library card, has expired.

Now you gonna have
to do a lot more.

Than say "pretty please."

[SWALLOWS] Mmm!

That chocolate, child,
that is sanctified.

Very well.

Tell me what I must do.

[WHIMPERS]

[BURLESQUE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRYING]

All right, enough!
I'm done with yo ass.

Go clean yourself up.
You disgust me.

[SOBBING]

[CRUNCH]

[SOBBING]

Hee hee hee!

XANDIR: We were all
enjoying the food we won,

but Toot was gobbling it
up like a calnack beast.

On level blargon.

[CHUCKLES] That's a
little joke I tell.

[DEEP VOICE] Ho ho ho ho!

Pass me the han solo.

Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!

Aah!

Look at me.

I'm so fat. I'm disgusting!

Oh, pshaw.

You're not morbidly
obese, honey.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[CRYING]

Seeing the woodland
creatures appear.

During Clara's song
gave me an idea.

Just get her royal
heinie to sing again.

I'll trap the critters,

and we'll eat like dingoes
in a maternity ward!

But those critters
are Clara's friends.

I'm not asking you, wooldouche.

I'm telling you.

[SCARED] C-c-Clara
says s-s-stand...

J-j-Jews.

F-f-flee.

Just do it or you'll be lying.

At my feet in a pool
of your own blood.

And my urine,

which also has blood,
but it's my blood!

Um... Clara?

[SWALLOWS]

Spanky's still bullying me.

Could you sing me
your song again?

Of course.

What are dear and
faithful friends for?

♪ Bullies are people
who hate themselves ♪

♪ Abused at age 6
or molested at 12 ♪

♪ So they pick on
others, isn't it odd? ♪

[BELL RINGS]

[XYLOPHONE CHIMING]

[RASPBERRY]

♪ Because their real quarrel ♪

♪ Is with god ♪

Foxxy, it's me.

I knew you'd come crawling back.

Yeah, well, just for a sandwich.

Heh heh heh. Yeah,
just for a sandwich.

And what else?

And some mustard.

And?

And...

And more abuse and humiliation.

And maybe a pickle?

Now, I don't know if it's
my need to break men.

Or Captain Hero's
inbreakanability,

but Foxxy love was
feeling things.

She never felt before.

Was it love?

♪ Let me love you tonight ♪

♪ There's a million
stars in the sky ♪

Ooh-hoo!

♪ Let me love you tonight ♪

♪ I'll make everything ♪

♪ Let me love you tonight ♪

♪ There's a million
stars in the sky ♪

Oh, yeah. ♪ Let me love you... ♪

XANDIR: Poor Toot was
feeling fat and sad.

It was up to me to
help her feel better.

About her disgusting,
revolting, and hideous body.

TOOT: Ow!

I worked on Toot with
that lipo machine.

For, like, hours,
but to no effect.

It didn't make any sense.

I don't...

The fat just keeps coming.

So much fat.

XANDIR: OK, the
lipo didn't work,

but I wasn't about to give up.

I remembered, years ago,
when I was too heavy.

To make it through the
dungeon of horrors,

I had to lose some
weight and fast.

So, I put my sword
down my throat.

Like this.

I don't have much of
a gag reflex anymore,

but if you do that
with your fingers,

you'll totally barf
and lose weight.

Well, I guess if I put
them in pepe le pew,

they can go in my mouth.

You were with pepe?

[GASPS] You minx.

Oh, no. Not the pepe le pew.

My pepe le pew.

[GAGGING]

Spanky surprised us all
with this spectacular feast.

Spanky, wherever did you
get all this tasty meat?

Uh... the meat blimp
crashed out back.

Meat blimp?

Oh, yeah.

That's how they move
meat these days.

Oh. Well, it certainly
was delicious.

In fact...

♪ This may be the best
meal I've ever had ♪

[SQUISHES]

That's odd.

Where are all my
woodland friends?

[NERVOUS WHIMPER]

Wait. Isn't that the meat blimp?

It didn't crash.

What's going on here?

Wooldoor?

Oh, uh... I'm sorry,

but I asked you to
sing the bully song.

So Spanky could catch
your woodland friends.

And cook them for us.

♪ Meal ♪

Aah!

Aaaah!

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha!

Where do you think you're going?

[CRYING]

My dear little friends.

They're dead! Dead!

Because of you!

Oh, god, I am so sorry!

You said you were my friend!

I am your friend!

You're a murderer!

I know! I know!

Are you as turned on as I am?

What?! What the
hell did you say?!

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

When I get upset, I just
say the craziest things.

Can I borrow 5 bucks?

Just go, Wooldoor! Just go...

To my bedroom! My purse
is in the top drawer!

There should be like
5, maybe $10 in there!

[SOBBING]

[MUMBLING]

[YAWNS] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

The cheese mistress is
gonna grate yo ass up.

[MUMBLING]

This isn't working, is it?

[SIGHING TOGETHER]

What happened to us?

I guess somewhere between
the nipple drilling.

And the scrotal jackhammer,
we just drifted apart.

Maybe we were just 2 ships
passing in the night.

Maybe we was, captain.

Maybe we was.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

About you and Captain Hero.

[SIGHS] We had a good run.

We'll always have Paris,

which is what we called it
when I smashed his penis.

With a lead model
of the Eiffel tower.

TOOT: Check me out, everyone.

[GASPS] Oh, my god! Look at you!

Ooh, lookin' hot!

Thanks, I've never been happier.

Oopsy!

Feels like there's
still a morsel in there.

Better go purge. [GIGGLES]

[WHIRS]

Eww! You know,

I've been finding vomit
all over the house, too.

[TOOT GAGGING]

When I showed Toot
how to barf up.

Every single piece
of food she eats,

I never imagined anything
bad could happen.

We had to do something before...

[GURGLING]

I was beside myself.

Nothing could make
up for the atrocities

I had committed.

The least I could do was
give the woodland creatures.

A proper send off.

Oh, don't bury me, I'm not dead.

Ha ha ha! You're alive!
You're alive!

Princess Clara will be
so happy to see you!

Uhh!

Oh, holding out on me, huh?

Hand over the chipmunk
and nobody gets hurt.

Except of course the chipmunk,

which gets gutted, eaten,
and eventually passed.

[WHIMPERS] You can't
eat him, Spanky.

I'm bringing him to Clara.

[SLAP]

♪ Bullies are people
who hate themselves ♪

♪ Abused at age 6
or molested at 12 ♪

Huh? Who told you?!

♪ Who's afraid of a bully?
Not me ♪

♪ Not me ♪

♪ He's not the only one ♪

♪ Who can sing from his heart ♪

♪ I have feelings inside that... ♪

Aw, fuck this shit!

I was nervous when Foxxy said
the whole team wanted to chat.

What could they possibly
want to talk to me about?

[NECK SNAPPING] [GIGGLING]

Toot...

[NECK SNAPS] [GIGGLES]

We all know you're bulimic.

We don't know how
you got started.

Down this horrible road...

But you're the one who
showed me how to do it!

All that matters now is
that we get you to stop.

Bulimia is very destructive...

To our personal property, bitch!

So what the Toot am
I supposed to do?!

Well, the considerate
alternative is anorexia.

All the benefits of bulimia
with none of the mess.

Does it really work?

Of course it works.
All you have to do is.

Make sure to look in
the mirror every day.

And see yourself
as ugly and obese.

No matter how much
weight you lose.

Hi, I'm Toot brownstein.

I play Toot Braunstein.

On the reality show
Drawn Together.

Tonight's episode dealt
with eating disorders.

[FLUTE PLAYS]

Thanks, guys. Group hug.

Ohh.

Aah! Oh, gee.

I thought that intervention
was gonna be pretty awkward,

but it wasn't nearly as awkward.

As what went down
later that day.

Oh. [NERVOUS CHUCKLE]

Ho-ho. Uh, Foxxy.

How you been?

Fine. And... you?

Uh, you know, same
ol', same ol'.

It wasn't all bad, was it?

No, no, we had some good times.

♪ Let me love you... ♪

Yeah, well, take care.

[CRUNCHING]

[LOUD CRACKS]

Nothing, huh? Me, neither.

Oh, well, thanks for trying.

Come on, blockhead.

Foxxy gonna give
you some good grief.

And Spanky tried to take him,

but I sang your song
and stood up to him!

Ohh!

I'm so sorry, Clara,
for everything I did.

Oh, please, please, forgive me.

Oh, Wooldoor, I...

I forgive you.

You do? Ohh!

Hug.

Wooldoor took responsibility
for what he did.

And besides, to
forgive is a mitzvah.

[CRYING] Oh, chipmunk.

I didn't know I was leading
you all into a trap.

Can you ever forgive me?

I forgive you, my princess.

And don't worry,
I won't tell the others.

S-so, uh... You
won't tell anyone.

That I'm indirectly responsible.

For the genocide of your people?

Uh... no. Of course not.

[SIGHS]

I wish I could believe you.

[NECK SNAPS]

Mmm! This is delicious!

[BELCHES]

Say, Clara, where did you
get all this tasty meat?

Um... uh...

The meat blimp crashed.

[LAUGHING TOGETHER]

WOOLDOOR: Ah, you murdered him.

[CHILD LAUGHING]

[NECK SNAPPING] [GIGGLING]