Dr. Jackie (2022): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript

[upbeat music]

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy,
but just poor white trash ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact
is, a bitter aging actress ♪

♪ Whose agent just
recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass,
drinking cheap boxed wine ♪

♪ Till she took a bogus
class, while at home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came
in last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls
herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who woulda guessed



♪ that this phony would treat

♪ The craziest of
the show biz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing
more distant and more scary ♪

♪ is her slutty
blonde assistant, that
dumb whore, Sherry ♪

♪ You don't wanna be
on her client list ♪

♪ It's Doctor Jackie

♪ The unlicensed
psychotherapist. ♪

[upbeat music]

[keyboard clanking]

Oh, good morning, Dr. Jackie.

Good morning, uh...

Sherry.

Yes, of course, Sherry.

Any calls?



Oh yes. The producers of
Good Morning USA called,

and they would like to know
if you'd like to be a guest.

They're doing a
segment about bosses

who abuse their authority,

ignore professional boundaries,

and take advantage
of their employees.

Yes. I would love to do that.

That is my pet peeve,

and I would really
appreciate the opportunity

to talk about that
important issue.

Great. I'll let her know.

Oh, and before I forget,
can you get my car washed?

My dog, Buster had explosive
diarrhea in the backseat

because I fed him Taco Bell

because I ran out of food,

So could you get me
some dog food also

and pick up my dry cleaning.

Absolutely.

Ooh, I'm so excited.

You're gonna be excited too,

because your next
client is a celebrity.

Is it Lisa Vanderpump?

No.

Leslie Jordan?

No

RuPaul?

No.

It's America's Gaysian
sweetheart, Alec Mapa.

Who?

Oh, you know that cute
little Filipino actor.

He's always the sassy
gay best friend.

He's been on everything,

from Ugly Betty to
Desperate Housewives.

Countless hallmark movies

and tons of unsold TV pilots.

Honey, his credit list is
longer than a CVS receipt.

Just let me know when
the Fili-pansy shows up.

Oh. He's already here.

Hi.

[bouncy music]

Hello.
- Hello.

Alec. Is it?

That's correct.

How are you?

I'm good. How are you?

I'm great.

Terrific.

Here for you.

Oh, thank you.

You're so generous
with your time.

I'm so grateful for this
time with you today.

I have a big problem.

What is it?

Well, I have played
a lot of gay characters

on film and in television.

Right.

That's kind of
like my wheelhouse.

of course

You know, when you're
successful as a clog,

they don't wanna see
you as a shoe, right.

So, it's affecting my
life off screen now

because I'm often
mistaken for a gay person

and I'm not gay.

And it's actually affecting
my marriage as well,

to my wife,

who is a woman.

Okay.

Well, I feel like,

first of all, this is real
and this is a valid problem.

Um hm, um hm.

And there are not hidden
cameras here, right.

Oh, I hope not. [Alec
and Jackie laughs]

Just ignore that I said that.

Well, I feel like,

if this problem is
affecting your marriage,

you probably should
have brought your wife

for a couple's therapy.

I did, actually she's
here, luckily enough.

Oh

She's right out
in the waiting room.

Oh, do you mind
if we bring her in?

Not at all. In fact
I wish you would.

There's a charge for
that, its a little bit more.

Oh, well we can discuss
that in a bit, absolutely.

- [Jackie] Okay.
- Okay.

Shirley?

[Sherry] It's Sherry.

Whatever.

Could you please
send in Alec's wife?

She should be there
in the waiting room.

[Sherry] There's
just some dude here.

- Oh.
- Oh no. That's her.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. The cutie in
the pink jumpsuit.

Send her in, please.

Her. [Alec and Jackie
laughs] Send her in.

Yeah. Pronouns are
important these days.

They really are.

My pronouns are
Venmo and PayPal.

[bell dings] [door clicks]

Oh, here she is.

[Jen] Hey Honey.

Oh, Hey, you. Here she is.

Love of my life. Get in here.
- [Jen] My little peanut.

This looks so cute on you.

I'm so glad I picked this out.

Pink is your color.

You guys, let me
get another chair.

- Oh no, no.
- We're Fine.

We can snuggle up like this.

We do it all the time.
- We sit like this always.

Always.

Oh. I love it. [Jackie laughs]

Very Close.

Are you comfortable?

- Oh yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, hello. It's.. What's..?

Jen. So Alec has
already filled me in.

Now, the problem is

that Alec gets a lot
of sodomite roles.

filthy
- Yeah. Yeah. That works

as sodomite roles,
- right, right,

- Homosexuals...
- Homos. We say.

- The queers, the queers.
- That is acceptable now.

Yes. that is acceptable now.

- Faggot is not.
- Faggot is not.

So it must be difficult.

Now do you two have children?

Yes. We have two lovely girls.

Crystal and Alexis.

- Ah hm.
- Oh. Big Dynasty fan.

What's that? Dynasty?

I've never watched it.

And do you feel
like, do they watch TV?

Do they see daddy
mincing about, you know,

playing a stereotype

and sending the gay
rights movement back,

20, 30 years every time?

Well, that's one
way of looking at it,

but then after a while,

they look at all
their nice clothes

and they go,

"as long as the
check clears, dad,

keep doing what you're doing".

So it must be difficult.

You know, having a husband
who people just assume is a,

you know, filthy sodomite.

I know, but it couldn't
be further from the truth.

He's so virile at home.

He's such a take charger, right.

I don't have to tell him more
than once to do anything.

Yeah. She's my
passive pink pussy cat.

Oh. Well. Sounds like-

And He's my big
purple passionate penis,

that's what he is.

Okay. That is what we call
TMI, too much information.

And when a therapist,
you know, pulls that out,

that means you've
gone way too far.

We passed the
boundaries. Haven't we?

No

I'm naughty.

She is. She is.

Well, I'm gonna guess
that's part of the dynamic,

you know, you start
out, as best friends,

but then you need that spark.

And I really feel the spark.

- Oh, really?
- I do.

Good to know. See.

I knew it. I knew it.

- So
- I don't know

why others can't see it.

- That's why this works.
- Yeah.

That's why this works.
- Yeah.

- Who cares.
- That's why this works.

That's why this works.

Now listen,

who cares what the rest
of the world thinks?

I don't know if part
of the problem is

now you're only
getting gay roles.

I mean, unless the
character is a crack head,

street prostitute,

who dies of aids.

You're not gonna win an Oscar.

Well, fingers crossed.

Can I just do,

would you be guys be open to
doing a quick little exercise?

- Of course. we love exercise.
- Absolutely.

We love exercise.

- All right.
- We love quizzes.

We love games.

- Let's play.
- Okay.

All right.

What are these two colors?

Orange and green.

[buzzer buzzes]

Alec?

Tuscan Sunset and Elphaba.

[bell rings]

Interesting.

[Alec giggles]

Quick. What is Lady
Gaga's real name?

Linda.

[buzzer buzzes]

Alec.

Stefani Germanotta.

[bell rings]

It's Stefani Germanotta.

She knows that one.

Stefani Germanotta is
Lady Gaga's real name.

- Okay.
- Um hm.

Born this way.

And finally, complete this
famous line of movie dialogue.

Okay.

"Fasten your seat belts.
It's going to be a bumpy..."

Pickle.

What?

[buzzer buzzes]

Pick-pickle.

pickles are bumpy.

No. Night.

"Fasten your seat belts. It's
going to be a bumpy night".

It's Betty Davis
from "All About Eve".

[bell rings]

We watched it on
our wedding night.

Don't you remember?

Betty Davis, "All about Eve"

starring, Betty Davis,
Celeste Holm, Anne Baxter,

Gary Merrill, George
Sanders, Thelma Ritter,

and a very, very
young Marilyn Monroe,

who steals every single
scene that she's in.

Of course, Betty Davis
should have won the Oscar,

but the voters were split

because the other choice
was Gloria Swanson

in "Sunset Boulevard".

So who does the Oscar to go to?

It goes to Judy Holliday
in "Born Yesterday".

Now I love Judy Holliday
as much as the next person,

but please, [Alec
laughs] please.

What?

Nothing.

Now listen, it's 2022.

Okay.

Everybody is non-binary,
gender fluid,

polyamorous, pansexual.
[Jackie laughs]

Labels shmaybels.

Am I right?

Now Alec, if you wanna bottom
for closeted casting agents

to snag gigs away
from Michael Yuri,

Billy Eichner or Mario
Cantone, go for it.

Take all the dicks and
all the rolls you want.

Gay, straight, whatever.

I've seen your IMDB.

You're obviously not picky.

And Jen,

if you wanna dabble
in a little harmless,

suburban lesbianism,

while Alec is off shooting,

some God awful Lifetime
movie of the week

with Tori Spelling
and Dean Cain, do it.

As long as you love
and respect each other

and give a good home

to your two beautiful
biracial children,

then it's nobody's business.

Whose Dean Cain?

Exactly.

Now I wanna see you two back
here in this office next week.

All right?

Until then, go off and be
footloose and fancy free

and let your freak flags fly.

[Jackie laughs]

- That's a lot of F's.
- Honey...

Yes, and a lot of
F's is what I'm hoping

for both of you
during this next week.

If you catch my drift, huh.

Listen,

as my receptionist, Sherry
would say, "no slut shaming".

Now I'll see you next week.

Come on, honey. I gotta
get to softball practice.

That's right.

Hey, can you drop me off
at my anal bleaching?

Sure. Of course.

Bye bye.

[Alec] Bye Bye.

You're straight.

[bouncy music]

[phone rings]

Hi, Jackie.

Hi, its me Ross.

I didn't know who
else to turn to,

but I need help, please.

Hey. Ross, what's up?

You know, I'm getting married.

Okay, well I'm gonna die
alone, but good for you.

Here's the deal.

It's to a man.

A man?

Should we have a bachelor
party before the wedding?

Absolutely not.

Cause he wants to have one.

Why choose the gay lifestyle,

if you're just gonna
be all heteronormative

and fucking tacky as shit?

I just would think
that as a gay couple,

you guys would want to do
something a little more creative

and a little more classy,

than a bachelor party.

Why don't you go
to Sunday Brunch?

They have those drag
Sunday brunches,

where the fellas
dress up like ladies.

I know, I don't get it
either, but it's fun.

It's a lot of fun.

Uh, Jackie. Of course.

Thank you so much.

Of course you knew the answer.

I don't know why I
didn't think of that.

Well, I'm glad I could
be of help, sweetheart.

You call anytime.

You're always
the best, Jackie.

Love you so much.

Mwah, goodbye.

And I'm sorry, you're not
invited to the wedding,

but I can only have like
three, 400 people there.

So okay. Gotta go.

No. Bye-bye.

[cell phone beeps]

[triumphant music]

[Sherry] Oh,
Hey, welcome back.

How was lunch?

Oh, I didn't eat.

I had to go shopping for
my son's birthday present.

Oh. Actually he's
around here somewhere.

I told him you weren't back
yet and he just disappeared.

Oh my God. What is he wearing?

Well. He's in
head to toe black.

Mm.

Hair hanging over one eye.

And if I'm not mistaken,

I think he's wearing makeup.

Makeup?

Why in the hell would
a man wear makeup?

He's obviously going
through a rebellious phase.

Hey, I went through the same
thing when I was his age,

but I was what you would
call a Madonna wannabe.

Can you imagine me with
bleached blonde hair

and dressed like a total skank?

Well, my son has decided he's-

Gay.

Goth.

Even worse.

Yeah. He's made
a conscious choice

to be bitter and miserable

and he just focuses on
the negative all the time.

Wow. Sour apple
doesn't fall far

from the gloomy tree. Huh.

I'm gonna act like
I didn't hear that.

Who's my next appointment?

They will be here
any minute now.

It's an emergency session

with a performer
named BenDeLaCreme.

Ew, sounds like an
arthritis ointment.

Well, send them in,
when "them" gets here.

[keyboard clanking]

Keep the meter running.

Hi.

BenDeLaCreme.

I have an appointment
with Dr. Jackie.

Yes. Yes. Hi. How are you?

Now Before you go in, I just
have a few short questions.

First, will you be paying
with insurance or cash?

You know what,

actually, I have this coupon.

We don't take those anymore.

Oh. Okay. Well here you go.

[Sherry] It's an
emergency session.

Oh. All right. There you are.

Okay.

Thank you.

Oh, great.

How did you hear
about Dr. Jackie?

Oh, a friend referred me.

Who?

Isn't that confidential?

Technically, Yes.

But, how about if you just
blink if I guess it right?

Madonna?

Pink?

Adele?

Rudolph Giuliani?

Are all those really
Dr. Jackie's clients?

I can't divulge
that information.

Dr. Jackie, your ointment
appointment is here.

[Dr. Jackie]
Send it in please.

You can go in.

[door clicks]

[jaunty music]

- Hi.
- Hi.

First of all, thank
you for dressing up.

Oh, well you're welcome,
but also it's not for you.

I'm actually in the middle of
a tech rehearsal right now.

They think I'm in the bathroom.

Tonight is the biggest
show of my entire life.

And I am terrified.

Biggest show of your life.

Let me guess.

Is it the Abbey?
- No.

- Mickeys'?
- No.

Schlongs'?

No, and that place closed.

Where is it?

The Hollywood Bowl.

That bowling alley
on Hollywood Boulevard.

No, no, no, no, no.

The real Hollywood Bowl.

How the hell did you get a
booking at the Hollywood Bowl?

I was on a TV show.

What TV show?

"Drag Race".

Never heard of it.

Well, Jackie, I don't know
what to do with my myself.

It's Dr. Jackie.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dr. Jackie.

I don't know what
to do with myself.

I'm terrified.

All of these resentments
are coming up. I feel so...

Resentments.

Yes.

That's the poison.
That's the poison.

I was wondering,

look at this beautiful,
vivacious show pony,

vaudevillian.

You're a star, honey.

And then I was like, what
is poisoning this magic?

Resentment.
- Oh.

That's what we have to get to.

We have to get to
the bottom of this.

We have to get to
the resentments.

You need to let that go.

So you can give 110%

to those people who are
going to the Hollywood Bowl

to see you.
- Yes.

'Cause you were on a TV show.

I didn't even win.

So I want to try something
very controversial.

- Okay.
- And no,

it doesn't involve
having sex with you.

Thank God.

I can't do that anymore.

I want to do something
called primal scream therapy.

As long as it's not
cultural appropriation,

cause I don't wanna be canceled.

Oh, it's not.

It's very effective.

What is it?

It's sort of like an
exorcism, if you will.

It's gonna be like,

you actually throw up those
poisonous resentments.

So when you get on stage
at the Hollywood Bowl,

the Hollywood Bowl tonight,

you can really, really
be in the moment. Okay.

All right.

Do you trust me?

No. But I'm desperate.

That's what I like
to hear. All right.

So prepare yourself.

Picture it.

The resentment, it's boiling
inside you like lava,

like explosive diarrhea.

You know what I'm talking about?

Oh yes. All too well. Ah hm.

I want you to imagine
every club owner,

who wouldn't hire you before
you were on that TV show.

Not even for a
lousy $50 gig. Huh.

I busked for so many years
outside that train station.

And I want you to imagine
every boyfriend or girlfriend,

listen, I don't know
what your lifestyle is

and I don't care.

That's not what this
session is about.

Thank you so much
for your openness.

But they dumped your ass,

just cause you gained a few
pounds over the holidays.

Okay.

I want you to think of
that editor over there

at that Drag Race
television program.

You know, the one that splices

and creatively
makes you look bad.

Even though you didn't
say things and they...

Okay. So you do
watch the show.

Of course I do.

And finally,

I want you

to picture your dad,

who clearly didn't love you.

Okay, shows what you know.

I don't even know my dad.

All right, let's move on.

Are you ready for the scream?

Are you ready to throw up the
poisonous hate and resentment?

I will try. Absolutely any...

Do you smell clove cigarettes?

No.

You ready?

Yes. I'm ready.

Let's do this.

Okay. I'm ready to try.

Okay.

Do you smell nail Polish?

No.

Nice try.

Let's fucking do this.

Ready?

Okay. Crap.

Did that statue just move?

This is a classic
diversion tactic.

Do you wanna do this or not?

Do you wanna get better or not?

Why are you sabotaging yourself?

That statue
actually just moved.

Look.

WTF. That is not a statue.

That is my son, Larry.

Mom, How many times
do I have to tell you?

Larry is dead.

The name is Batwing.

I am so sorry, BenDeLe.

I am here for you.

Just please pretend,
like he's not even here.

It's his birthday.

And I promised to take him to
the cemetery to have a picnic.

We planned the whole thing,

before you booked your
emergency session.

The good news is,

as long as he's here,

you're not the most fucked
up person in this room.

So let's do this.

Scream.

- Primal.
- Primal.

- Scream.
- Scream.

- Therapy.
- Therapy.

You're gonna let the
hate, the resentment,

everything that's holding
you back, out of your soul.

You're gonna open up,
like a fucking volcano

and you're gonna let all of
that resentment lava out,

by screaming as loud
as you can right now.

[BenDeLaCreme screams]

[BenDeLaCreme panting]

How do you feel?

I feel amazing.

Stop.

Your voice.

You lost your voice.

Listen, listen, settle down.

Simmer the fuck down.

Look at me.

The most important thing is
that the resentment is gone.

Now you can go to
the Hollywood Bowl,

for your most
important show ever.

You can give your fans 110%,

'cause the resentment's gone.

Sure your voice is gone,
but the resentment's gone,

which is even more important,

voice or no voice.

Are you vaudevillian?

Are you a show pony?

Are you a star?

'Cause I see a star right here,

that's what I see.

So I want you to go

and knock them dead tonight.

I don't understand
what you're saying.

Here. Write it down.

Can you write it down?

[pen scribing]

[slow music]

Go get them, Tiger.

Says "you'll hear
from my lawyer".

[door clicks]

Oh bye.

Oh my god.

She can't even say goodbye.

Fucking bitch.

All right.

You're ready for our
picnic, Sunshine?

Can't wait.

So excited.

Oh mom, I got you something.

I know it's my birthday, but.

Oh Honey, Thank you.

Did you even read it?

Yes.

And I know that from
someone like you,

this means I love you.

I'll just put it with my others.

[door clicks]

Oh, Hey. That seemed
to go very well.

You know, I don't think
I've ever seen anyone

leave this office
that happy and upbeat.

Yes. Well it's
times like these

that make all those
years in school worth it.

I thought it was
two months and online.

I've got a great idea.

Why don't you shut
your whore mouth

and I'll see you bright
and early tomorrow morning.

Whore mouth?

Hey, no slut shaming.

[keyboard clanking]

[jazzy music]

[Sherry laughs]

[Jazzy music]