Dr. Jackie (2022): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

[upbeat jazzy music]

♪ She was unemployed, unhappy,

♪ She had no cash!

♪ Pretending to be classy,

♪ but just poor white trash.

The tragic but true fact is

♪ a bitter aging actress

♪ whose agent just
recently dropped her, ♪

♪ sitting on her ass
drinking cheap boxed wine ♪

♪ 'til she took a bogus
class while at home online, ♪

♪ Finished that, came
in last, barely passed ♪



♪ Now the bitch calls
herself a doctor! ♪

♪ Who would have guessed
that this pony would treat ♪

♪ the craziest of
the showbiz elite! ♪

♪ And now the only thing
more distant and more scary ♪

♪ is her slutty
blonde assistant, that
dumb whore Sherry ♪

♪ You don't wanna be
on her client list ♪

♪ It's Dr Jackie!

♪ The unlicensed
psychotherapist ♪

[door closing sharply]

[upbeat jazzy music]

[Sherry sobbing]

Good morning -

Oh God! What a
gorgeous day, huh?

We are so fortunate to
help people the way we do.



We really are. I
mean, hashtag blessed.

Am I right?

[hoarsely] I guess so-

You guess so?

Have you been crying?

No. Why?

Well, your eyes are
all red and glassy.

Now either you've been crying

or you've been smoking meth!

Now, which is it, young lady?

Okay. I've been crying-

But why? You've
got a great job.

You are what some
people might consider-

relatively attractive.

And other than that
persistent cough

and the mole on your shoulder
that keeps changing shape,

you've got your health.

Listen, I don't wanna
bring my problems to work.

Okay?

You hired me to
be a professional.

Just because my boyfriend
Joe dumped me last night,

on stage in front of all
my friends and family

at a karaoke bar

on my birthday

doesn't mean that I have
to fall apart emotionally.

[quietly] Okay?

I'm fine.

Oh boy. Um, well-

what's my first
appointment today?

Meryl.

Oh God.

She's already called to say
that she's stuck in traffic

on the five freeway
and she's gonna be

at least 30 minutes late.

Oh, puh-leeze!

That is such just bullshit!

Just between you and me,
Meryl is a compulsive liar.

That's why she's so
good at what she does.

Turns out great acting
is nothing more than
just good lying.

Oh, and being able
to do accents.

[Sherry blubbering incoherently]

What did I say?

Sorry. It's just-

My first date with Joe,

it was a double feature
of "Sophie's Choice"

and " A Cry in the Dark."

Wow. That sounds fun.

Listen, since Meryl
is running late,

and seeing how I didn't
get you a birthday present,

how about I treat you to an
emergency session right now?

An emergency session?
What do you mean?

You and me right
now in my office.

For the next 30 minutes,
you are not my receptionist.

You are my severely depressed,
deeply disturbed patient.

But-

I'm not gonna take
no for an answer.

Happy birthday, Shirley.

It's Sherry!

I know that, silly.

I was just trying
to make you smile.

Boop!

[mild jazz music]
[typewriter clacking]

All right, now just relax

and tell me what
happened last night.

Well, like I said, we went
to my favorite karaoke bar.

I invited all my
friends and family.

I mean, I wanted everybody
to be there because you know,

turning 30 is a big deal, right?

[awkward silence]

Go on.

So everything is going great.

I started to open my presents.

Oh my God! I got so
many amazing things.

These really cute
bejeweled flip flops

from my cousin Cindy,

a Shellfish of the
Month Club membership

from my neighbor Jan,

and an Instant Pot
from my aunt Marcia

and her much older
lesbian lover, Alice.

Cindy, Jan, Marcia, and Alice?

[Jackie scoffing]

Where were Bobby,
Peter and Greg?

Ugh. They couldn't make it.

So anyway, everything
is going great.

I blew out the
candles on my cake.

My mom made my favorite
cake. Oh my God!

Low-fat gluten-free vegan
fairtrade lemon cake

with goat yoghurt icing
sweetened by monkfruit.

Wait a minute,

goat yoghurt isn't vegan.

Oh my God. Are you sure?

Okay. Listen, what do I know?

I'm a therapist.
Not a nutritionist.

Let it go.

Please continue.

So everything's going great.

But that's when it dawned
on me that- wait a minute!

My boyfriend, Joe hasn't
given me a present yet.

That's when he jumps on stage
to dedicate a song to me.

And I'm like thinking to myself,

Okay, Sherry, why do you gotta
be such a negative Joanne-

Nancy.

Huh?

The phrase is Negative Nancy.

The alliteration?

O-kay.

So anyway, he gets
on stage to sing

what I thought was
going to be our song,

Happily Ever After
by Billy Eilish.

But no, he starts to sing

Fuck You by Ceelo Green.

He didn't.

He did.

No.

Yes.

Fuck-

You.

Fuck you.

[shouting] FUCK YOU!

Okay. I get it.

The whole time he's
singing Fuck You,

he's pointing right at me.

I'm looking around, like,

what is going on?

All of a sudden he's like,

"That's it, I've had it with
you, bitch. I'm outta here.

You're so fucking annoying."

Drops the mic and walks out.

Needless to say, party was over.

All right. Now,
Sherry, be honest.

Did this just come
out of nowhere?

Or looking back,
had there been signs

that there was
trouble in paradise?

Well, I mean, he called
me bitch all the time.

I don't know.

He did quit his
job at one point,

so he could focus on his
band, Satan's Nutsack,

and quit paying
half of his rent.

[Sherry gasping]

There was that one time
he kicked in the TV

just because I innocently said

Benedict Cumberbatch
had a cute name.

Sherry.

Why did you put up with such
a clearly abusive asshole?

I don't know.

Well, did he have any
redeeming qualities?

He knew karate?

No!

Remember this morning when
you said hashtag blessed?

Mm-hm.

Well, he was blessed.

Down below.

Oooooh-

so you were dickmatized.

Dickmatized?

Yes. Dickmatized.

That's when, how can I say
this in a tasteful way?

When a guy's huge
cock blinds you

to his douchebag bullshit ways.

Oh no, no, no, no,
no, no, absolutely not.

I mean, look, I don't wanna
question your authority,

Dr. Jackie, you know more than
I do, but that's just not me.

No way, no how.

Sherry, if you're open to it,

I'd like to do a
little exercise.

I did hot yoga this morning.

Not that, you idiot.

It's my birthday!

Different kind of exercise.

It's called word association.
I'm going to say a word,

and you say the first thing

that pops into your
pretty little head.

Okay!

All right.

Mm-hm!

You ready?

I'm ready.

All right. Okay.

[Sherry and Jackie
taking a deep breath]

Relationship.

Dick.

Commitment.

Cock.

Love.

Big fat uncut tool.

Oh dear.

What?

This is worse than I thought.

Huh?

Sherry, do you
remember the day we met?

When I interviewed
for this job?

Of course, yes.

It was a long time ago,

but I remember it
like it was yesterday,

yesterday, yesterday-

Why would you say
yesterday three times?

Because it's a
flashback, stupid.

[twinkly music]

Thank you for
coming in, Shirley.

It's Sherry.

[Jackie chuckling]

I know that, silly. I was
just trying to make you smile.

Oh!

[Sherry giggling]

Now, I have read your resume,

and although three years as
the assistant night manager

at an Arby's is very impressive,

I'm afraid It's not
the kind of experience

that I was looking for.

I know,

I understand how stuffing a
beef and cheddar into a bag

and asking people,

"how many packets of barbecue
sauce would you like?"

is not the same as
working in a busy office

of a successful psychotherapist,
but I really need this job.

You see, last night I broke
up with my boyfriend, Lance.

He'd been treating me really
badly and disrespectfully

and just, you know,
generally an asshole to me.

So I kicked him out.

But the problem is we
still work together

at the previously mentioned
Arby's restaurant.

It's not really a restaurant.

Potato potato.

The point is I now have to pay
full rent on the apartment,

'cos I'm there alone.

I don't know what to do,
but I know what I can do.

I can work really hard. I
promise to give you 109%.

I'll be the hardest
work you've ever seen.

That way, you have time
to do what you do best,

help crazy people be
a little less crazy.

I like your
attitude, young lady.

And I also like the fact

that you kicked that jerk
boyfriend's butt to the curb.

So what do you say?

I say, congratulations.

[Sherry gasping in delight]

You're hired.

Oh thank you, Dr. Jackie! I
promise I won't let you down.

[twinkly music]

[Jackie] Where's
that girl I hired?

Hmm?

[uplifting music]

The one that wouldn't put
up with any crap from a guy,

no matter how much meat was
swinging between his legs,

where is she?

She's right here.

She's right here
in front of you!

And all it took was that
black and white flashback

to remind me of who
I am and what I want.

Thank you, Dr. Jackie.

[door opening in hallway]

[Meryl] Hello? Is
anyone fucking here?

Oh shit, it's Meryl.

Go tell her I'll be
with her in a minute.

Yes ma'am!

Oh, and Sherry.

Yes. Dr. Jackie?

Don't believe a word she says.

Remember, she's a fucking liar.

[relaxing jazzy music]

[phone ringing]

Hey, Dr. Jackie.

It's John Cameron Mitchell.

Oh, hi, John Cameron Mitchell,

legendary star of "Hedwig
and the Angry Inch."

How can I help you?

I have a question for you.

I just played Joe
Exotic in a TV series.

Uh-huh.

And you know, it's
a blonde mullet,

you know, I'm used to
the Hedwig blonde wig,

but I never really thought
about going out and getting laid

in the Hedwig wig.

What seems to be the problem?

Can I wear the mullet out?

As a kind of, you know,

honey to attract the bees?

I say, hell yes.

At our age,

we are allowed to do whatever
it takes to get laid.

Let me know if it works,

'cos if it does,

hell, I'll even put on a wig.

[Jackie chuckling]

Thank you, Dr. Jackie.

All right.

Your insight is always
overwhelming to me.

I'm so glad I came to you.
That makes so much sense.

Thank you so much.

[Jackie giggling]

Bye bye.

[upbeat jazzy music]

[dynamic music]

As a professional entertainer,

it's important that
I look my best.

That's why I use the luxurious
but affordable products

from Aaron Carre's skincare,

moisturizers,
exfoliants, and more.

Everything you need to
look your best at any age.

Try Aaron Carre skincare today.

Here's your lunch!

[paper sliding across wood]

Have a seat.

Who the hell are you,

and how could this
possibly be my lunch?

Oh, hi!

I'm Pete,

with the Try, Try
Again temp agency,

giving hard-to-employ people
another chance since 1989?

I'm filling in for Sherry

while she gets her
elbow reduction.

Elbow reduction?

Mm-hm. Apparently
it's a thing.

She'll be back on Monday.

It's a surprisingly
fast recovery period.

She told me in a
note she left me.

[paper rustling]

Oh, and she also
wanted me to tell you

that she is definitely
not at Coachella.

And if you see photos
of her on social media,

wearing overalls and
an oversized floppy hat

that those photos are fake

and that they were most likely
posted by her ex-boyfriend

just to cause trouble.

Never mind, I'll
deal with her later.

Now you realize that
submarine sandwich

isn't supposed to be the size
of an actual submarine, right?

Well, Sherry told me in
a note that she wrote me

that you wanted a six foot
submarine sandwich for lunch.

I said six inch sub!

Please don't yell at me.

I don't like when
people yell at me.

You know how some people
are afraid of spiders

and of flying

and of Jennifer Lawrence?

Well, that's how I
am, but with yelling.

Okay. I won't yell.

Can I please see the note
that Sherry gave you?

Oh, I see what the problem is.

Okay?

See, that says six inch sub,

those two little
lines mean inch.

If there was only one
line, it would be feet.

It's a simple mistake.

Please don't yell at me.

I'm not yelling.

I'm practically whispering.

Like I said, this
is a simple mistake.

Anyone could have made it.

It's not your fault.

Thank you for saying that.

It's not your fault, something
I'm not used to hearing.

You are very kind.

Well, you are very kind

is not something
I'm used to hearing.

Your next appointment's
waiting in the reception area.

What?

Why didn't you tell me?

[pen scribbling]

[awkward silence]

[Jackie sighing deeply]

Send them in please.

[cheerful jazzy music]
[typewriter clacking]

Hello? Welcome.

I'm Dr. Jackie and you are?

[quietly] I- I'm Roy.

I'm sorry. I can't hear you.

I-I'm Roy.

Roy?

Yes.

Hello Roy.

Why are you here today?
How can I help you?

Well, I, I, I struggle, as
you can see, with confidence.

Okay. I'm gonna have to
ask that you please speak up.

[loudly] I'm shy
and I need help!

You don't need to yell-

[Roy] Okay.

There's a dis-

you know, something
in the middle.

Okay.

You know?

I need help with confidence.

Okay. I think you're
in the right place.

I've helped a lot of
people with confidence.

Tell me in your everyday life,
like, what's the problem?

Well, I struggle to be
a strong-willed person.

I, I find myself to be
scared of situations and-

which is interesting because
in my professional life,

I, I'm a lot stronger.

I'm a lot more confident,
a little more outspoken.

Right. What do
you do for a living?

Well, I'm a drag performer.

A what?

A drag performer-

It's a job now. Yeah. Some
of us do it for money.

Drag?

Now can you explain,

is that where the fellas
dress up like ladies?

Yeah, sort of.

It started about eight years ago

with a very successful
reality television show.

And what's happened-

Wait, drag started
eight years ago?

Only eight years ago.
According to the internet.

Please go on.

My drag character's
name is Bianca Del Rio.

Would you like to see a photo?

I'd love to.

[photo frame clacking]

That's a lot-

That's a lot of makeup.

[photo frame slapping
against table]

Let's just put that over there.

Try to focus.

So she's bold.

Yeah. She's very
bold and outspoken,

but I struggle in my
real life, you know,

outside of not having
liquor or drugs,

it can be really challenging

to find who I really
am as a person.

So you don't do
any drugs or alcohol?

No, but as you can see,
I'm very soft spoken and shy.

But when I'm Bianca, she's
always the life of the party,

always with the cocktail,

always with crowds
of people around her,

laughing and
enjoying themselves.

So essentially you're here

to try to incorporate
more of Bianca

into Roy's everyday life,
to be more outspoken,

to stand up for yourself,

to tell people how
you really feel.

[Roy making agreeable sounds]

Okay. I'd like to
try something now

where I say something
and you repeat it.

Sure.

I am powerful.

I am outspoken.

Okay. I am moving on.

No, you don't say that.

Stop!

Oh, sorry. I didn't realize.

How about we hypnotize you?

Oh!

Try to get to the
root of the problem.

[Jackie loudly
clearing her throat]

Can you unbutton the top button?

I think that's a good start.

Okay.

This is turning into a
different type of session,

but I kind of like it.

It's one button.

I need you to simmer down,

and I'd like to
make it very clear.

I don't find you attractive.

Not like this and
not in that picture.

Okay?

I think we need
to really dig deep

and find out what's going on.

Why are you so shy?

Why are you holding back?

All right?

Okay.

Because Bianca's
somewhere inside you

and we need to tap into her.

Sure.

All right. So just watch this.

Okay.

Watch the swinging necklace.

Bianca Del Rio is very tired.

[drowsily] Tired?

What about this cheap
jewelry from Santee Alley

that cost you 2 dollars?
That's really tired.

[chain clattering]

Okay, careful, or I'll
give you the villain edit.

What's the villain edit?

Oh! Yes!
[intriguing music]

The villain edit, according
to Urban Dictionary,

is a reality TV phenomena

that makes one person seem
unlikeable, conniving,

or makes them the villain for
the sake of good reality TV.

Who are you talking to?

No one.

I just really think
I made a big mistake

by coming here today.

Stay seated.

I didn't realize that
I had to do this, but,

I think it's time we tapped
into your inner child.

No.

What the fuck is that?

This is the Dr. Jackie puppet.

You're gonna talk to
the puppet, not me.

And we're gonna find
out what the problem is.

This is gonna work.
Do you trust me?

No, but-

[whispering] All
right, let's do this.

[high-pitched] Hi!
I'm Dr. Jackie!

You're really bad at this.

I could totally see
your lips moving.

[normal] I'm a psychotherapist,
not a ventriloquist.

I'm not the winner of
"America's Got Talent."

It's just hard 'cos
your lips are moving.

I mean, can-

that's actually
better for everyone.

Even the fake people in
the back that are watching.

Don't make me write
down "sees fake people."

All of a sudden your next
tour will be canceled

because you will be
in an insane asylum.

I have that power.

Now talk to the fucking puppet.

Are you trying to trigger me,

with this puppet
wearing a sombrero?

That's racist.

Do you wanna
get better or not?

Si.

[high-pitched] Hola?
Yo soy Dr. Yackie.

What's your name?

Hola, Dr. Yackie.

My name is Roy, also
known as Bianca Del Rio.

And I struggle with
inner confidence.

[high-pitched] You are
deeply disturbed and very sick.

I'm deeply disturbed and
she's the one holding a puppet?

Oh.

How dare you
question Dr Jackie!

Come closer, little boy.

I'm gonna show you what
happens to little boys

who disrespect Dr. Jackie!

[cartoon punching sound]

Ow!

If someone bothers you,
punch him in the nose!

[normal voice]
Like Bianca would.

I actually feel worse than
I did before I came in here.

I don't think your tactics or
methods are working at all.

The chanting, the hypnotism,

the silly little
puppet that was racist.

None of it has made
me feel any better.

I'd like to point out that
the puppet may be racist,

but I'm not.

Sure.

And I just
remembered something

that you mentioned a little
earlier in our session.

You said that Bianca Del Rio

is always the life of the party?

She always has a
cocktail in her hand?

Do you remember saying that?

Vaguely.

I think I understand
the problem.

If you wanna be more like
Bianca and be more outspoken,

stand up for yourself, tell
people how you really feel,

I think you just need
to start drinking

even when you're not in drag.

[tense music]

No.

Yes.

Do you think
this is gonna work?

It worked for me.

[liquid sloshing]

Try it.

[tense music ramping up]

[Roy gulping down drink]

Ah!

Now, how do you feel?

How do I feel?

I feel fucking amazing!

I don't know if anyone's
ever gonna tell you this,

Dr. Jackie, but
you're a fucking joke.

This is bullshit!

Have you looked at yourself?

That old tired busted face

that looks like Trixie Mattel
and Ronald McDonald fucked

and had a baby they
should have aborted?

Fuck off, dude!

And by the way, you're fat.

Do you believe that shit?

[high-pitched] But she
was right about one thing.

[normal] What's that?

[high-pitched] You are fat.

[cartoon punching sound]
Ouch!

I'll kill you, you little bitch!

I'll kill you!

Excuse me, bonkers bitch.

Could I just get
my picture back?

Sure.

It's right here.

Pretty pretty.

[upbeat jazzy flourish]

[theme song
instrumental playing]