Dr. Jackie (2022): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Things get weird when Dr. Jackie reunites Cher with gal pal Whitney Houston and then even weirder when she attempts to ease tensions between Drag Race wackadoodle Tammie Brown and her show biz manager Sheila.

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♪ She was unemployed, unhappy

♪ She had no cash

♪ Pretending to be classy,
but just poor white trash ♪

♪ The tragic but true fact is

♪ A bitter aging actress

♪ Whose agent just
recently dropped her ♪

♪ Sitting on her ass
drinking cheap, boxed wine ♪

♪ 'Til she took a bogus
class while at home online ♪

♪ Finished fast, came
in last, barely passed ♪

♪ Now the bitch calls
herself a doctor ♪

♪ Who woulda guess that
this phony would treat ♪



♪ The craziest of
the showbiz elite ♪

♪ And now the only thing
more distant and more scary ♪

♪ Is her slutty
blonde assistant ♪

♪ The dumb whore Sherry

♪ You don't wanna be
on our client list ♪

♪ It's Dr. Jackie

♪ The unlicensed
psychotherapist ♪

[door thuds]

Good morning,
here's your mail.

Anything important?

Nuh, just the
usual, mostly bills.

Few letters from 14 year
old cisgender white girls

accusing you of being racist,
transphobic and misogynistic.

Uh huh.



Oh, and there is this
one from the LA Free Clinic

I think you might wanna see.

Shit.

Yeah.

But the good news is that
your first session today

is with Cher!

All right. I
realize that to you,

Cher is an iconic glamorous,

legendary Oscar-winning
superstar.

But to me, she's just another
deeply disturbed patient.

Well, on behalf of all
the Cher fans everywhere,

please help her.

The world needs Cher.

It really does.
I'll do my best.

Send her in when she gets here.

[giggles excitedly]

[paper ripping]

[typewriter clicking]

[Dr. Jackie] Hey
honey, how are you doing?

Whoo! Oh, you
know, same old shit.

Nothing's changed
since we met yesterday?

Oh, last night I was up all
night staring at the ceiling.

Just the same thoughts
going around in my head

again and again.

Like what?

Like what is iCloud?

Or if there are
Irish Wolfhounds,

why aren't there
Jewish Retrievers

or if spirit animals are
real, is the opposite true?

And are there spirit humans?

And somewhere in
the, in the Congo,

is there a bonobo ape
that likes to pretend

he's a balding accountant?

We discussed this yesterday

- Oh shit.
- and the day before,

and the week before that.

Now, Cher, I don't know
what's going on with you,

but the reason you have all
these things in your head,

these things that don't matter

is because you're not dealing

with the things that do matter.

Now, what is bothering you
that you are not dealing with?

You are good.

You are so fucking good.

What's that word?

Durr.

[gibbers]

What's going on?

I'm doing my
best. I'm rattled.

You always do your best.

That's why you have
a fucking Oscar.

And a- I mean a
People's Choice Award

and a Golden Globe Award.

All right, simmer down.

All right. So here's the deal.

I miss my friend.

I miss Whitney Houston.

We were close. Real close.

Well, not close like
her and her assistant.

I miss my gal pal, okay?

There's certain things
I can only tell her.

And I can't because she's dead.

She's dead.
- She's dead.

- She's dead, dead.
- She's dead.

She's really fucking dead.

Not alive anymore.

You can't sit down
and talk with her.

I can't sit. I can't squat.

Can't lean.

I wanna try something.

Not the keto diet 'cause
I'm not fucking doing that.

- No.
- Okay.

This is a mass marketed,

generic talking to
the dead board game.

And I wanna use it to try
to contact Whitney Houston.

All right. Now, a lot
of people may not know

that you were best friends.

And I understand what it's
like to have that one friend

that you can only say
certain things to.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

They're nonjudgmental,
anything goes.

So let's get Whitney on
the line, if you will.

Let's fucking do it.

[whispers] All right.

Not a big fan of vulgarities.

Okay, now we need to focus.

Okay.

[inhales deeply]

We need to get in the mood.

All right.

We need to believe

Do you b-

No, we don't have the rights.

All right.

Whitney Houston.

I'm here with your
best girlfriend, Cher.

She wants to discuss
something with you

that only you can help her with.

Are you here?

[tense ominous music]

You see that? It
went right to yes.

Whoa.

She's here. Whitney,
I feel your spirit.

But do you think
you could possibly

manifest yourself physically

and talk to your friend?

Please Whitney.

Academy Award, People's
Choice, what else was it?

Golden Globe.

Golden Globe
Award winner Cher.

[thunder rumbles]

She's here!

Oh my god.

Whit!

Whit!

Oh my god.

I'm here for you, girlfriend.

What is it?

Whit, I am so
glad you're here.

There are only certain
things that I could tell you.

Open up. Share.

[ominous music climaxes]

Should I shave my puss?

What?

You summoned me from beyond
the grave to ask me that?

Yeah. I mean all the
really hot young guys

wanna bang a bald
basement, don't they?

Who cares what they want.

You are Cher for fuck's sake.

Up to this point, you have
never changed for anyone.

You have not had any work done

or altered your
appearance in any way.

Yeah.

I did it. I went to see Dr.
Max Lehfeldt at Radiance Spa.

He offers surgical and
non-surgical aesthetic treatment

for face and body.

We're talking rejuvenation,
antiaging, and body sculpting.

So call Dr. Max today.

[dings]

You know, one time Bobby
asked me to shave my bush

in the shape of the
letter B for him.

Do I look like a
fucking monogram towel?

No, you do not.

Yeah.

So I told him to kiss my ass.

I said, if I'm
gonna shave my bush

in the shape of the letter B,

it's not gonna be so
you can brand me like,

like some heffa you own,

it's gonna be to remind
you that I'm that bitch.

Right on. And what did he say?

I don't remember. We, we
were doing a lot of drugs

but not crack!

Okay, crack is whack.

So show me the receipts.

You know what it's like.

You were married to Greg Allman.

I was?

Oh yeah. I was.

Do you feel better?

I really do. [laughs]

Oh my God.

And thank you, Durr Jackie.

Hey, wait a minute.
Where's your mole?

[ominous music]

- What mole?
- Mole?

Yeah, your mole.

You know the one you
always cover with makeup,

but that only real close
friends and family know about?

- Oh, oh, oh my mole.
- Your mole.

My mole,

[gibbers]

you were talking about my mole.

[gibbers]

My mole.
- Your mole.

My mole.

[gibbers]

When, when you go to
heaven, you see, [gibbers]

Snap out of it!

[smacks face]

Oh my god. You're not Whitney.

You can't slap a ghost.

Your hand goes
right through them.

Everybody knows that.

Okay, now don't
freak out, Cher.

Don't freak out?
I am so confused.

I have not been this
confused since Chaz.

Let me finish.

Tried to explain the end of
that movie Inception to me.

What the fuck was that?

I am so sorry, Dr. Jackie.

I had no idea
Whitney had a mole.

I didn't either.
It's not your fault.

I just Googled it
and nothing comes up.

What the hell's going
on? Are you two in cahoots?

No, we are both
wearing normal pants.

Now, listen, Cher.

You've been coming
to me for a long time

and I have used all sorts
of different methods

to try to help you like
role playing and hypnosis

and uh,

remember that little
anatomically correct doll

wearing the Bob
Mackie sequin gown?

Yeah.

They all worked. Remember?

And this worked.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

You had a breakthrough.

I did.

This is a therapy actress.
Her name is Danielle.

Wow.

It was a risk on my part
to go to this extreme.

But it worked.

You feel better.

I really do.

You made a breakthrough!

I did!

All right. Then the
ends justify the means.

As long as that doesn't
mean I have to do anal,

'cause I'm not doing that.

I feel so much better.

Wait a goddamn minute.

Does that mean that wasn't
Sonny's ghost last week?

Uh, that was me.

Damn. She's good.

[funky jazz music]

Do you need some chapstick?

What are you talking about?

[phone rings]

Hey honey, what's up?

Dr. Jackie, Dr. Jackie Beat.

It's Jackie Weaver here.

Uh, I need your advice.

Mm hm?

Um, people keep
stopping me in the street

mistaking me for you
because same first name,

both in the movie Stage Mother.

Okay?

How do I politely
explain to these people,

who think I'm you,
uh, that I'm not you?

All right now, listen,

I can totally relate to
what you're going through.

If I had a dollar for every
time somebody came up to me

on the street and
mistook me for JLo,

I wouldn't have to
do this stupid job.

Here's what you do, all right?

The next time it happens, you
look them right in the eye.

And you say, I am
not Dr. Jackie.

I am two-time Academy Award
nominee, Jackie Weaver.

I've been in movies
like Animal Kingdom,

Silver Linings Playbook

and the legendary Picnic
at Hanging Rock, biatch!

Add the biatch.
That always works.

Thank you, Dr. Jackie, you
always have the best advice.

You're my hero. And I love you.

Glad to be of help.

[phone beeps]

Phew.

[bright upbeat music]

[keyboard clicking]

Oh, good afternoon.
How was your lunch?

I got hung up at the bank,

so I didn't even
get a chance to eat.

Oh, that's weird
'cause you have

a little barbecue sauce right-

I had one chicken
wing, Judge Judy.

They were giving
out free samples.

At the bank?

[mockingly] At the bank?

What's my afternoon look like?

A Tammie Brown and her show
business manager, Sheila.

Sounds like more
workplace drama to me.

Aren't you glad that we don't
have any of that tension here?

Well, send them in
when they get here.

And uh, could you find me
a granola bar or something

so I don't nod off
during their session

from low blood sugar.

FYI. Barbecue sauce
is full of sugar.

Oh, thank you so much.

And if I ever need any more
nutritional information,

I'll be sure not to ask you.

No problem. Glad to help.

[keyboard clicking]

[typewriter clicks]

Hello ladies. Welcome.

Can I get either
of you some water?

I don't drink water.

Okay?

I would've brought you some,

but I don't have another glass.

And she always comes
prepared, as you can see.

Seems to be part of
the problem, right?

Salud.

Let's get the party started.
Which one of you is Sheila?

I am.

Sheila. Now you're-

Now if you're a psychic, I
thought you would know that.

How many fingers
am I holding up?

Uh, that means fuck you.

See, if she was a real good
psychic she would've known

how many fingers
I was holding up.

Well, if you had a crystal
ball, I'd hope you'd sniff it.

Okay. I'm not a psychic.

Oh, you're not a psychic.

I'm not a psychic.
I'm a psychotherapist.

A psychotherapist?

Psychotherapist
is what she said.

Wait, you're a
therapist for psychos?

- Yes.
- Oh no, no, no, no.

I didn't agree or sign
up to no therapy session.

Let me calm you down.

You told me we were
coming to see a psychic.

I don't know what's going
on here, but we got off to-

We're like Thelma and Louise.
We're like ride or dies.

So try to come between us.

- You're-
- Now-

Yeah?

- No-
- Yes?

What?
- Uh huh.

That's what I thought

Yeah that's what I thought.

Mm hm.

All right, now you touching
my shoulder like that

is triggering me.

Is that what I'm
supposed to do is share?

Let's not do anything

that makes the other
one uncomfortable. Like-

I was just kidding. I don't
mind really, but that's-

Except for the drinking.

Well, that is the problem
is that she, you know,

and she's, she's
always getting misled.

Some pipeline
dream, some scheme.

You tell me we weren't
gonna bring up the drinking.

- I'm sorry.
- Now I'm not gonna stay

if we're gonna continue
talking about it.

Well, I just think about,
well, I mean, it's true,

but she's gotten the shakes.

She dragged me
here because she says

that we don't communicate well.

Okay.

I think we
communicate just fine.

I say it like it is,
and that's how it is.

And she does
say it like it is.

And I do what she says all
the time, round and round.

Here we go. What's next?

Oh my god, jalapeno jelly,
fiesta in every bite.

Mm that was really
good, wasn't it?

Well, she's worried that we
made a few people go blind,

but we don't
distribute it anymore

after the lawsuits
and everything.

But that's neither here nor
there, you are not an attorney.

I am not anymore.

So we're not here to
talk about the lawsuits.

We're not here to
talk about the lawsuits.

I don't feel appreciated.

I do a lot for her and
her career and her family.

And uh, I feel like
everything I do

for her and them is worth 50%.

Well, how much do you take?

50%.

All right, Sheila, you
feel as Tammie's manager

that you are not appreciated.

Now, Tammy, what's
your side of the story?

The thing is, Sheila's
always misleading me.

She has a kind heart, but she,

she ends up in the wrong place
and I'm at the right time.

I make us a lot of money

and she should be
appreciative of that

because I don't even
make her pay taxes.

She had a number one
single on iTunes called

Porta Potty Prostitute.

And then after that

we have See You in the
Magazines that's charting.

Someone just saw a
Porta Potty Prostitute

in the bargain bin
of the 99 Cents Store

the other day or the dollar bin.

- Oh.
- And so we.

Isn't that the only
bin they would have,

if it's a dollar store?

I didn't think of that.

Okay, ladies, I see
what's happening here.

I have to be
litigious all the time

and I don't get a chance
to be fun or sexy.

And she likes to shop at Ross.

I don't shop at Ross.
I shop at Marshall's.

Listen, here's the problem.

You're obviously
not communicating.

You need to understand what
it's like to be a manager

for someone like you, you
said like always dreaming,

you know, the pipe going to
a pipe, pipe dream or some-

Pipe scheme, pipe
dream, you know?

Yeah. If I had a manager,

if I was in show business
and I had a manager,

I would want that kind
of a person, dream big.

- Thank you.
- I'm not taking sides here.

I'm just saying-

You just took aside
and I like that.

I mean, didn't
you watch that movie

with Gladys Knight
and pipe dream?

No.

Well, it's the same issue.

Gladys Knight
is an actress now?

She was, I have the single
at the house to prove it,

the album, Pipe Dream.

Okay. That's not
acting, that's singing.

Okay, listen.

It's a movie. She was
in the movie Pipe Dream.

See?

No it's about-

And this it's why
I drink right here.

You understand what
I'm saying now?

Okay let's just-

She already has you
twirlin' and whirlin'

here in this jungle
and you don't even know

what she's talking about.

Twirlin', whirlin'
here in your jungle.

Well, I find the
plants are soothing.

Well, I'm glad I
wore my war outfit

because I'm ready for it.

Mm hm.

Camouflage. I
can barely see ya.

[laughs]

And I was, I was so
concerned because I,

I didn't want her to blend
into the green screen.

If you know what I mean.

- I don't.
- Floating around.

This is a real set.
It's not a green screen.

I don't know what you do
on your TV show, Tammie.

But oh, anyway, this
says a lot, camouflage.

She's onto something.

Camouflage, like
trying to disappear.

Blend in. I'll be back here.

Perfect for a manager role.

Then you've got the
bold graphic, you know,

print and the, the bright hair.

So we have the star.

Now we always need help
behind the star. Okay?

But here's the problem.

You two are speaking
different languages.

You don't understand where
the other one is coming from.

So what I'm gonna do
is we're gonna play

a little game of role playing.

Now role playing is something
that I actually invented.

You invented that?

So you're gonna switch places.

Now, Sheila, you're
going to be Tammie.

And Tammie, you're
gonna be Sheila.

Tammie, you get to speak first.

Well-

- Tammie, this is Tammie.
- Oh!

Oh, I'm Tammie.

Yes.

And you want me to say the
things that she says to me?

Yes.

Okay.

[in Tammie's voice] Sheila,
I don't know if I'll be able

to do all that because I wear
a lot of hats and [gibbers]

[gibberish continues]

That's all I hear.

It's like a cartoon
on crack cocaine.

Phew. It's your turn.
Tammie, you are now Sheila.

[in Sheila's voice] Well,

'cause she has that
little country accent.

Well, can I get you?

Uh, let me g-get you
this contract right here.

And I'm gonna go back
there and sniff this

and then you're gonna
do what I say to do

because you owe me $45,000.

Where's the lie?

Hey Chico, do you know
any cocaine addicts?

Are you still Sheila or-

There's a slight bit of
schizophrenia in there.

Yes.

Okay. Well that role
playing went so well

that I'd like to try another
exercise, if you don't mind.

Have you all heard of the
Rorschach inkblot test?

No, I don't do nothing from
Russia or anything like that.

Okay. Well he was Swedish.

Okay. Well-

Do you like a Swedish massage?

Do you like a Swedish meatball?

I don't know.

Why don't we move on
to the inkblot test?

This is where I hold up
a random inkblot image.

And you tell me
what you see. Okay?

I think this is gonna
help me know each of you

a little better.

Just look her
straight in the eyes.

No. Can I just
point out Sheila?

Yes.

- I respect you.
- Sheila, me?

No, not, you're
not Sheila anymore.

I'm role playing.

- Not anymore.
- You're not me more.

We don't know who
she's gonna be now.

Okay. Now let's do the
fucking inkblot. I'm sorry.

I'm a professional.
Let's do this.

Tammie, what do you see?
[Sheila burps]

I see, I see a tree.

It's a radioactive
mushroom cloud.

Okay. Tammie, what do you see?

I see angels.

Okay.

God.

I see Satan.

Well, technically
Satan was an angel.

Spoiler alert.

Mm hm. Spoiler alert.

And finally, Tammie,
what do you see here?

Wow. I see the most
beautiful Monarch butterfly.

Sheila?

I see a toddler trapped
underneath the 1978 Ford Taurus.

It's mother desperately
trying to rescue its body

from underneath the
burning wreckage

before the flames
hit the gas tank.

But it's too late. They explode.

Limbs flying everywhere
is what I see.

What?

Tammie, please.

There are no right
or wrong answers.

There are simply sick
and unsick answers.

But in this case, Sheila,
I'm afraid you are wrong.

This is clearly a butterfly.

Okay, I get it.

But I don't get this.
What does all this mean?

Well, I'm no doctor, but it
means you are fucking crazy.

Tammie, please.

We do not use that word.

Sheila, it means you're crazy.

There's no need for vulgarities.

Okay. Fine, fine. Whatever.

I'm crazy, crazy,
crazy, crazy, crazy.

One floor over
the cuckoo's nest.

How do I fix it, psychic?

You may wanna start by

stopping drinking?

Okay. No. Uh uh.

No. That's where
I draw the line.

I am not gonna pay
anyone to tell me

that my drinking is a problem

because it's not a problem.

It's my medicine.

This is perfect because
we're actually out of time.

Good.

I wanna see you ladies
at least four times a week

over the next 10 years.

Well, that sounds
like a plan to me.

Well, good luck
because I can't promise

I'm gonna be alive that long.

Doctor Jackie.

I cannot promise you that
I will be alive next week.

Doctor Jackie.

I can't even promise
you that I will be alive

in the next 30 minutes.

Doctor Jackie.

You're not getting no
more than a copay from me.

30 minutes.

You are getting a
copay and that is it.

Get your hands off me.

That really triggers
you though, doesn't it?

That really triggers
you, doesn't it?

- Tammie.
- You shoulda seen it.

You should've seen it.

[door thuds]

Sheila just left.

Why don't we continue
with the role playing,

you pretend like you're
Sheila and you leave too.

I can't drive.

Is she driving?

She's Tammie.

[funky music]

[funky music continues]