Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 1, Episode 18 - I Never Sold Shower Heads for My Father - full transcript

- Vinnie: THEY ARE TOO.
- Doogie: THEY ARE NOT.

- YES, THEY ARE.
- NO, THEY AREN'T.

WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

MOM, DON'T ASK. YOU DON'T
WANNA KNOW, BELIEVE ME.

HEY, THAT'S AN IDEA.

- WHY NOT LET
YOUR MOM SETTLE THIS?
- VINNIE.

- SETTLE WHAT?
- MRS. H.,

ARE PANTYHOSE REVERSIBLE?

UM...

- NO.
- HA HA, TOLD YOU.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU TWO BOYS HAVING
A MEANINGFUL INTELLECTUAL DEBATE.



AN INQUIRING MIND WANTS TO KNOW.

THIS IS GOOD, BUT IT NEEDS
A LITTLE MORE OREGANO.

VINCENT, I'M CLEANING
MY JEWELRY IN THERE.

KATHERINE, I LOVE
OUR NEW BATHROOM.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SEE
THE DAY OF THE SILENT FLUSH.

SO, DR. H, THE PORCELAIN
PALACE IS COMPLETE?

ONLY THE CROWNING TOUCH REMAINS.

YOUR FATHER IS BRINGING OVER
ONE OF HIS FAMOUS SHOWERHEADS.

IS SOMETHING WRONG, VINCENT?

IT'S MY FATHER AND HIS
STUPID SHOWERHEADS.

HE WANTS ME DOWN AT THE
WAREHOUSE EVERY FREE MINUTE I GET.

HE WANTS ME IN THE BUSINESS
AS SOON AS I FINISH HIGH SCHOOL.

- I THOUGHT YOU WANTED
TO BE A FILMMAKER.
- YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT.

THE MUSES ARE CALLING ME.



YOU'RE A VERY BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN, MRS. HOWSER.

AH, MR. DELPINO.

HAPPY SHOWERING, DR. H.

THE DELPINO X9000.

I'M SURE YOU'LL GET MANY
HOURS OF SPRING PLEASURE TOO.

BY THE WAY, HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU

YOU'RE A VERY BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN, MRS. HOWSER?

Howser: SO, HOW IS THE
SHOWERHEAD BUSINESS?

EH, JUST LIKE THE
FUNERAL BUSINESS:

PEOPLE GOTTA DIE,
PEOPLE GOTTA BATHE.

THOSE THAT DON'T BELIEVE
THAT, YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW.

RIGHT.

THE DELPINO X9000,

IT EMITS THE PERFECT STREAM,

NOT TOO SOFT, NOT TOO HARD.

I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU THE
DANGERS OF TOO HARD A SPRAY.

BEING A DOCTOR, I'M SURE YOU'VE SEEN
PERSONAL INJURIES OF THAT ECHELON.

NO, NO, I CAN'T SAY THAT I HAVE.

NOW, I'M LOOKING AT YOU AND
I'M SEEING A CONSERVATIONIST.

THIS IS A TURBO-SAVER HEAD WITH A 2
1/2 GALLON-PER-MINUTE WATER FLOW.

THIS SHOWER WILL PAY FOR ITSELF IN
HOT WATER SAVINGS IN THE FIRST YEAR.

SOUNDS EXCITING... AND FRUGAL.

HERE'S A FINGERTIP CONTROL

THAT OFFERS A FULL
PULSATING ROTARY...

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
- HMM, MM.

WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME YOU SAW A PHYSICIAN?

I'M GOING TO DR. MELBOURNE.
HE'S GIVING ME SOME PILLS.

IT'S NOTHING REALLY.

I'LL BE OKAY.

WHEW!

ANYWAY, THIS BABY HAS A
10-SPEED SHOWER MASSAGE.

MY PERSONAL
FAVORITE IS NUMBER SIX.

DO YOU AND THE MISSUS
LIKE TO CLEANSE TOGETHER?

- WELL...
- I RECOMMEND IT.

IT'S VERY THERAPEUTIC.

I RECEIVED SOME FAVORABLE
MAIL TO THAT EFFECT.

NOW BELIEVE ME, IF
EVERYBODY HAD ONE OF THESE,

THE DIVORCE RATE
WOULD BE A LOT LOWER.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO, DOOG?

I MEAN, I WANNA GO TO
COLLEGE. I WANNA BE A FILMMAKER!

THAT'S ENOUGH OF
THAT, MR. HOLLYWOOD.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS. IT'S THE
SCRIPT FOR OUR COMMERCIAL.

TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, IF YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE UP THE BATON,

YOU'LL HAVE TO BE
PART OF EVERYTHING.

DAD, YOU KNOW, I
WANNA GO TO COLLEGE.

FORGET THAT. WHY CAN'T YOU
BE MORE LIKE DOOGIE HERE?

HE HAS THE RESPECT TO GO
INTO HIS FATHER'S BUSINESS.

ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT EXACTLY
MY FATHER'S BUSINESS.

YOU'RE A DOCTOR, HE'S A DOCTOR.

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

COME ON, VINCENT. WE
GOTTA REHEARSE THIS THING.

- DAD, I DON'T WANNA.
- YOU'RE GONNA DO THIS, VINCENT!

- YOU CAN'T MAKE ME.
- VINCENT?!

AH... I'M...

THROUGH KNOCKING
HEADS WITH YOU ABOUT THIS.

- YOU'LL GO INTO THE BUSINESS,
YOU'LL LOVE IT.
- I WON'T!

YES, YOU WILL! YOU'RE
GONNA LOVE IT AND LIKE IT.

- NO WAY!
- VINCENT!

I MEAN, THIS ISN'T THE OLD COUNTRY
WHERE A COBBLER IS THE SON OF A COBBLER

OR A BLACKSMITH'S THE
SON OF A BLACKSMITH.

YOU'D THINK THAT
MR. DELPINO WOULD BE PROUD

THAT HE BUILT UP A BUSINESS WHERE HE HAS
ENOUGH MONEY TO SEND HIS SON TO COLLEGE.

SOME FAMILIES ARE JUST MORE
STEEPED IN TRADITION THAN OTHERS.

YEAH, WELL, IF YOU ASK ME, THE
DELPINOS ARE WAY TOO STEEPED.

I THINK IN THIS CASE THERE'S MORE
TO IT THAN JUST FAMILY TRADITION.

LIKE WHAT?

I CALLED FRANK MELBOURNE.

HE'S CARMINE
DELPINO'S CARDIOLOGIST.

IT SEEMS THAT CARMINE HAS A
SIGNIFICANT CORONARY INSUFFICIENCY.

- WHOA.
- ANGINA.

HE'S HAD AN ANGIOGRAM WHICH
SHOWS MULTIPLE-VESSEL STENOSIS,

AND MELBOURNE IS
RECOMMENDING BYPASS SURGERY.

THAT EXPLAINS A LOT OT THINGS.

HMM.

I WONDER WHY
VINNIE DIDN'T TELL ME.

MY GUESS IS THAT
HE DOESN'T KNOW.

I DON'T THINK ANYBODY
IN THE FAMILY KNOWS.

DAD, YOU GOTTA
TALK TO MR. DELPINO.

UH, CARMINE DELPINO.

- THROUGH THAT DOOR.
- OH...

- Man on P.A.: Shipping
to the service counter.
- THANK YOU.

Man #2: BRING THAT OVER
HERE, WILL YOU, ART?

HI, DR. H!

I JUST BUY IT FOR THE ARTICLES.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I HOPE THERE'S NO PROBLEM
WITH THE DELPINO X9000.

NO, NO, IT'S... IT'S JUST FINE.

PERFECT. IT'S A GREAT
PIECE OF HARDWARE.

- HOW'S THE MISSUS LIKE IT?
- FINE.

ACTUALLY, MR. DELPINO,

I'VE COME HERE AS A
FRIEND AND A NEIGHBOR.

UH, IT'S PROBABLY
NONE OF MY BUSINESS,

AND I'M NOT YOUR DOCTOR BUT...

YOU HAVE A SERIOUS HEART
PROBLEM THAT NEEDS ATTENTION.

- YOU'VE BEEN TALKING
TO MELBOURNE.
- HMM.

YOU'RE A WALKING TIME BOMB.
YOU NEED SURGERY RIGHT AWAY.

YOU GUYS... ALL THE
TIME "CUT, CUT, CUT."

IF YOU DON'T HAVE BYPASS
SURGERY, YOU COULD DIE.

HEY, I COULD DIE ON THE
OPERATING TABLE JUST AS EASY,

AND THEN WHAT? WHO'S
GONNA RUN THIS PLACE?

HUH-UH, I AM NOT GOING UNDER THE
KNIFE UNTIL MY SON LEARNS THIS BUSINESS.

VINNIE IS 16 YEARS OLD.
HE'S A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- COME HERE A MINUTE.
- Philly, pick up line 2.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS PLACE!

MY DAD DIED AT 53. I
TOOK OVER HIS BUSINESS

AND TURNED IT INTO THIS. AND
I NEVER FINISHED HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU KNOW, TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

KIDS DON'T AUTOMATICALLY FOLLOW
IN THEIR FATHERS' FOOTSTEPS.

KIDS DO WHAT THEIR
FATHERS TELL THEM TO DO.

YOU MADE YOUR BOY
INTO A DOCTOR, DIDN'T YOU?

- I DIDN'T FORCE HIM.
- LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,
DAVID.

- CAN I CALL YOU DAVID?
- SURE.

OKAY, DAVE, WHAT DO YOU NET?

I'M TALKING TAKE HOME IN
YOUR BACK POCKET, JANUARY 1.

WELL, I DON'T...

MAYBE YOU'RE TOO
EMBARRASSED TO SAY IT OUT LOUD,

BUT I AIN'T. I'M PROUD OF IT.

210 BIG ONES LAST YEAR,
NET NET. THAT'S AFTER TAXES.

IS THIS THE AMERICAN
DREAM OR WHAT?

THE AMERICAN DREAM IS DOING
BETTER THAN OUR FATHERS DID

SO OUR SONS CAN
DO BETTER THAN US.

ABSOLUTELY! THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
I'M TRYING TO TEACH THE LITTLE SNOT,

BUT INSTEAD HE WANTS TO BECOME
SOME TWINKLE-TOES FILMMAKER.

LISTEN, CARMINE,
I HAVE GOT TO GO.

LET'S GET YOUR BUTT
INTO EASTMAN MEDICAL

SO THAT WE CAN HAVE THIS SAME
ARGUMENT FOR THE NEXT 20 YEARS.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT, DAVE.

DON'T THINK TOO LONG.

HERE!

TAKE THIS NEW EXTENSION
HOSE FOR THE DELPINO X9000,

FREE OF CHARGE.

IT'S FOR THOSE
HARD-TO-REACH SPOTS.

Director: ACTION.

HELLO, I'M CARMINE DELPINO
FOR DELPINO SHOWERHEADS,

THE FINEST NAME IN
QUALITY SPRAYWARE.

YOU KNOW, THERE IS ONE CREATURE
THAT GOD PUT ON THIS EARTH

WHO ENJOYS AND SAVORS THEIR
SHOWER MORE THAN ANY OTHER,

AND THAT CREATURE IS THE DUCK.

NOW THESE ARE THE TWO BEST
SHOWERHEADS IN THE BUSINESS:

THE CORONA 850

AND THE DELPINO X9000.

LET'S SEE WHICH
PASSES THE DUCK TEST.

FIRST, THE CORONA.

A NEGATIVE FEATHERY STATEMENT

IF EVER I SAW ONE.

NOW LET'S TRY THE DELPINO X9000.

JUST LIKE A GENTLE SPRING RAIN.

YOU CAN'T SEE IT AT HOME,

BUT THIS LITTLE GUY
IS ACTUALLY SMILING.

SO GO TO YOUR FAVORITE
BATHROOM FIXTURE STORE

AND TELL THE DEALER
YOU WANT TO PURCHASE

THE DELPINO X9000.

AND LIKE THE DUCK HERE SAYS,

"JUST PUT IT ON MY BILL."

Director: AND CUT.

THAT'S A TAKE.

- SO?
- YEAH, THAT WAS GREAT,
MR. DELPINO.

NEXT ONE WITH YOU AND
ME IS GONNA BE EVEN BETTER.

DAD, I JUST CAN'T GO
THROUGH WITH THIS.

NOT AGAIN. YOU SAID YOU WERE
GONNA DO IT, YOU'RE GONNA DO IT!

BUT MY HEART ISN'T
IN IT. IT'LL LOOK FAKE!

DO YOU HEAR THIS?
HE'S KILLING ME!

VINCENT, I'M ORDERING
YOU. PICK UP THAT SCRIPT,

- LEARN THOSE LINES NOW!
- MR. DELPINO, TAKE IT EASY.

I'M NOT DOING THIS
STUPID COMMERCIAL.

IT STINKS! IT'S EMBARRASSING!

I COULD DO A BETTER
ONE THAN THIS IN MY SLEEP!

- COME ON, VINNIE.
- DON'T YOU GIVE ME
ANY LIP, YOUNG MAN!

I'VE BEEN MAKING THESE
HERE COMMERCIALS FOR YEARS.

NOW YOU HEARD ME!

PICK UP THAT
SCRIPT! I'M WARNING...

DAD, DAD, DAD,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!

DAD!

STAY CALM, STAY CALM.

OKAY, OKAY, DON'T TALK.

I'M GONNA UNDO YOUR SHIRT.

OKAY, TAKE DEEP BREATHS,
SLOW, SLOW AND EASY.

- Woman: Can we help?
- GET THE PARAMEDICS, HURRY!

Man: GARY, CALL SECURITY.

Doogie: YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY.

WHY DIDN'T HE
TELL ME ABOUT THIS?

DO YOU THINK I'D
BE YELLING AT HIM?

GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I
ALMOST KILLED MY POP!

VINNIE, YOU DIDN'T. HE KNEW HE HAD A
PROBLEM AND HE DIDN'T TAKE CARE OF IT.

DOOG,

YOU GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.

IS HE GONNA DIE?

THE MORTALITY RATE'S VERY LOW.

IF THERE ARE NO COMPLICATIONS, THEY
SHOULD HAVE HIM UP ON HIS FEET IN 24 HOURS.

BUT THERE COULD
BE COMPLICATIONS?

WELL, SURE, I'M NOT GONNA
TELL YOU IT'S RISK-FREE.

- WHAT IF HE DIES?
- HE WON'T.

I JUST CAN'T STAND THE IDEA OF HIM
GOING UNDER THE KNIFE TOMORROW MORNING

THINKING HIS ONLY SON HATES HIM.

HE DOESN'T THINK THAT.

YOU HEARD HIM, DOOG,
HE SAID I'M KILLING HIM.

LOOK, YOUR DAD WILL PROBABLY
SAIL THROUGH THIS BYPASS.

FOR BOTH YOUR SAKES, WHY DON'T YOU
GO TALK TO HIM BEFORE THE OPERATION?

YOU KNOW, MAKE
YOUR PEACE WITH HIM.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

THIS IS GOOD ADVICE.

SO, SO YOU REALLY THINK
IT'S NOT THAT BIG A DEAL, HUH?

IT'S BIG, BUT IT'S NOT THAT BIG.

SO-SO WHAT ARE THEY
ACTUALLY GONNA DO?

WELL, THEY TAKE
KIND OF LIKE A SAW,

AND THEY CUT RIGHT
THROUGH THE STERNUM...

THAT'S THE BREASTBONE... THEN
THEY SPREAD APART THE RIBS,

EXPOSING THE HEART...

POP? POP, YOU IN HERE?

ALL RIGHT, IT'S GOOD YOU'RE
IN THERE AND I'M OUT HERE,

'CAUSE I WANT YOU
TO LISTEN TO ME

AND I DON'T WANT YOU
INTERRUPTING ME LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO.

SO-SO STAY IN THERE TILL
I SAY WHAT I GOTTA SAY.

UH...

I KNOW YOU'VE NEVER
UNDERSTOOD ME,

AND I KNOW WE GOT A REAL
TOUGH TIME COMMUNICATIN',

AND WE FACE OFF A LOT ABOUT...

WELL, JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I ALSO KNOW YOU NEVER LOVED ME
AS MUCH AS YOU LOVED MY SISTER.

I'LL NEVER LIVE UP TO HER,

BUT I NEED YOU TO PULL
THROUGH THIS THING

'CAUSE NOTHING I DO IS GONNA MEAN A
THING UNLESS YOU'RE THERE WITH ME.

I GUESS WHAT I'M
TRYING TO SAY IS...

BOTTOM LINE, DAD...

IF YOU REALLY WANT ME
IN THE BUSINESS, THEN...

THEN THAT'S IT, I'M
IN THE BUSINESS.

I LOVE YOU, POP!

YOU'RE A FINE BOY.

EVERYONE SHOULD
HAVE A SON LIKE YOU.

- WHERE'S MY FATHER?
- DOWNSTAIRS HAVING SOME TESTS.

OH.

MA, POP'S A HANG-TOUGH GUY,

A SURVIVOR. HE'S GONNA BE OKAY.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT'S JUST HE'S NEVER
HAD A SICK DAY IN HIS LIFE.

HOW ARE YOU DOIN', VINNIE?

UH, OKAY, BUT WHAT'S
HAPPENING WITH MY DAD?

IT'S BEEN THREE HOURS.

RELAX, I'VE SEEN LOTS
OF THESE OPERATIONS.

IT SHOULDN'T BE MORE
THAN ANOTHER HOUR OR SO.

Maintenance, second
floor nurse's station...

SO, IS THIS HANDSOME
YOUNG SINGLE MAN A DOCTOR?

UH, MA, THIS IS
DR. JACK McGUIRE.

HE'S A FRIEND OF DOOGIE'S.

MY DAUGHTER, 19 1/2, SINGLE,

FLYING BACK THIS
AFTERNOON FROM NEW JERSEY.

- SHE'S... VERY NICE.
- AND COOKS!

I TAUGHT HER EVERYTHING I KNOW.

OH MY...

I WANT YOU TO SAMPLE
A CENTURIES-OLD RECIPE,

PASSED ON FROM
MOTHER TO DAUGHTER.

HMM, HERE, EAT.

DON'T BE ASHAMED.

I... I WILL.

THANKS, MRS. DELPINO.

NICE BOY! TALL TOO!

COULD USE A HAIRCUT.

Ms. Ann Lloyd to pediatrics.

Ms. Ann Lloyd to pediatrics.

Dr. Sing to O.R.

HI, I JUST CHECKED IN. IT LOOKS
LIKE EVERYTHING'S GOING SMOOTHLY.

NO PROBLEMS, NO SURPRISES.

HE SHOULD BE IN INTENSIVE
CARE IN ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

DOOGIE, THANK YOU.

YOUR FATHER MUST
BE VERY PROUD OF YOU.

TALK SOME SENSE INTO
THIS BOY, WILL YOU?

- COME ON, MA.
- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I'M GONNA GO CALL
YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

- HOW ARE YOU HOLDING UP?
- OKAY.

NOT REALLY.

I'M WORRIED ABOUT HIM, DOOG.

NO DELPINO MAN HAS
LIVED PAST THE AGE OF 60.

NONE OF THEM HAD THE
BENEFIT OF A SURGERY LIKE THIS.

THEY'LL GET HIM
INTO CARDIAC REHAB.

HE'LL HAVE A GOOD CHANCE
OF LIVING A LONG TIME.

COOL.

I JUST DON'T WANT IT TO BE LIKE
BEFORE, THE ARGUING AND ALL.

HEY, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE.

YEAH.

ALL I GOTTA DO IS TAKE
OVER THE BUSINESS.

Hi, I'm Vincent Delpino

speaking for Delpino
Showerheads,

the finest name in sprayware.

My father, Carmine Delpino,

has served this community
for over 10 years.

We have the widest selection
of nozzles in Southern California

and the Delpino
name means quality.

I'M SO MOVED BY THIS.
VINCENT, THIS IS SO BEAUTIFUL!

Hey, I know what you're saying,
"He's the son of the owner,

he has to believe in
Delpino Showerheads."

Well, let's see what you the public
think about Delpino Showerheads.

When Martha and I got divorced,

she got the kids, the
house... everything!

But I got the Delpino.

I have a Delpino in
all 14 of my bathrooms,

even the bathroom
in the limousine.

Man: Ow! You lousy...

When I'm doin' bad,

the manager comes out
to the mound, pats my butt

and says, "Kid,
hit the Delpino."

You know, I've
never taken a shower,

but if I did, I'd use a Delpino.

See? You don't have to be
a Delpino to appreciate one.

Delpino Showerheads,

the finest name in sprayware.

NOT AS GOOD AS MY DUCKS,

BUT A CLOSE SECOND.

- I'M VERY TOUCHED.
- GOOD.

YOU, UH...

YOU FEELIN' ALL RIGHT?

YEAH, FINE.

I WAS PRETTY SCARED.

ME TOO.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS LAYING
THERE ON THE FLOOR ON MY BACK...

I WAS AFRAID TO CLOSE MY EYES

BECAUSE I WASN'T SURE
THEY WOULD OPEN AGAIN.

I'M GLAD THEY STAYED
OPEN, BELIEVE ME.

AND WHEN I LOOKED
UP AND SAW YOU,

WHILE I WAS TRYING TO CATCH
MY BREATH THROUGH THE PAIN,

THERE YOU WERE, 16 YEARS OLD,

AND I SAID, "HEY,

IT WASN'T THAT LONG
AGO WHEN I WAS YOU."

I COULDN'T BELIEVE
IT. SUDDENLY I'M 51,

AND THIS IS IT?

YOU'RE THE TOUGHEST GUY I KNOW.

YOU'RE GONNA LIVE TO SEE
10 GRANDCHILDREN AT LEAST.

I DIDN'T THINK I WAS SO TOUGH
WHEN IT WAS HURTING SO BAD.

"ANYTHING THAT DOESN'T KILL
YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER,"

FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE.

WHO THE HELL IS FRED NIETZSCHE?

JUST A GUY. I LEARNED
ABOUT HIM IN SCHOOL.

SCHOOL, HUH?

YEAH, SCHOOL.

YOU GOTTA GO TO SCHOOL TO
LEARN THIS FILMMAKING STUFF.

- UH-HUH.
- FILMMAKING.

FILMMAKING.

YOUR FIRST FILM BETTER NET MORE
THAN MY SHOWERHEADS, LITTLE MISTER.

- YOU MEAN I CAN?
- YEAH.

WHO NEEDS YOU ANYWAY NOW THAT I
GOT SOME NEW WALL FRAMES FOR MY HEART?

THANKS, DAD!

VINCENT?

I'M DR. CANFIELD, MR. DELPINO.

- YOU'RE THE GUY
THAT RUNS THIS PLACE.
- YES.

YOU INSISTED ON SEEING ME?

IT'S THESE SHOWERS, THEY STINK.

I BEG YOUR PARDON?

THE HEADS ARE 1973
SINGLE-SPRAY NOZZLES.

STEP INTO THE '90s.
BROWSE THROUGH THAT BABY.

CHOOSE ONE, AND I'LL
OUTFIT THE ENTIRE JOINT.

AND SINCE YOU TOOK SUCH
GOOD CARE OF MY TICKER,

YOU COULD HAVE 'EM AT WHOLESALE.

EVERYBODY'S GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE.

TIME FOR YOUR SPONGE
BATH, MR. DELPINO.

- CALL ME CARMINE.
- DAD,

YOU'RE A VERY LUCKY MAN.