Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 1, Episode 17 - Tough Guys Don't Teach - full transcript
As part of a community relations effort by the hospital, Doogie is asked to go to the high school and teach sexual education. On his first day, he is challenged to an after school fight by the captain of the football team.
- YOU WANTED TO SEE ME, SIR?
- Canfield: YES.
YOU'RE GOING BACK TO
HIGH SCHOOL, DR. HOWSER.
BACK?
I NEVER REALLY WENT.
OF COURSE.
THE BOARD OF EDUCATION HAS
APPROACHED US WITH A UNIQUE IDEA.
IN LIGHT OF THE INCREASED
RATES IN TEENAGE PREGNANCIES
AND SEXUALLY
TRANSMITTED DISEASES,
THEY FELT IT WOULD BE MOST
BENEFICIAL TO HAVE A PEER
TEACH THE STUDENTS
SAFE SEXUAL PRACTICES,
THAT PEER BEING YOU.
OH.
ME? IN HIGH SCHOOL?
- TEACHING SAFE SEX?
- HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS
DON'T SEEM TO BE
GETTING THROUGH.
YOU, BEING THEIR AGE, MIGHT BE ABLE TO
COMMUNICATE BETTER WITH THE STUDENTS.
NAH, I'M NOT SO SURE
I'M RIGHT FOR THIS.
WE THINK YOU CAN DO A
LOT OF GOOD FOR THESE KIDS.
AND IT'S EXCELLENT COMMUNITY
RELATIONS FOR THE HOSPITAL.
WELL, I GUESS I'VE
GOT NO CHOICE THEN.
JUST REMEMBER, DR. HOWSER,
WE EDUCATE. WE DON'T CONDONE.
Doogie: THE IMPORTANT
THING IS KNOWLEDGE.
IF YOU HAVE THAT, YOU
CAN AVOID SOME PRETTY...
GNARLY EXPERIENCES. HERE.
ACCORDING TO A HARRIS POLL,
FEMALES LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY
AT AN AVERAGE AGE OF 16.2 YEARS.
MALES, 15.7 YEARS.
MARCH OF '91, YES!
AND IF ANY OF YOU FALL
INTO THAT CATEGORY,
THIS SHOULD BE YOUR BEST
FRIEND, YOUR PROTECTOR.
WOULD YOU GUYS JUMP OUT OF AN
AIRPLANE WITHOUT A PARACHUTE?
All: NO.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO
FIND OUT THE FACTS.
IF YOU USE THE INFORMATION OR NOT,
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE. HAVE A GREAT DAY.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
BITCHEN CLASS, DR. HOWSER.
THAT THING ABOUT THE
FALLOPIAN TUBES WAS, WELL,
- TUBULAR.
- YEAH, WELL, UH,
THEY ARE.
HI, MY NAME...
GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING,
AHEM, MY NAME IS...
- DR. HOWSER.
- I HOPE WE AIN'T
INTERRUPTING YA...
"DOC."
WELL, ACTUALLY...
I WAS JUST... JUST
ABOUT TO BEGIN.
MY NAME IS DOUGLAS HOWSER.
I'M A DOCTOR AT EASTMAN.
YOU CAN CALL ME DOOGIE.
- YES?
- EXCUSE ME, DOC.
BUT DID YOU SAY YOUR
NAME WAS... DOGGIE?
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- YOU DON'T READ
THE SPORTS SECTION?
TERRY SERANSKI.
FIRST TEAM, ALL STATE.
OH, SO YOU MEAN THERE'S A
WHOLE TEAM OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU?
OOH, WHAT A THOUGHT.
HEY, BUD. DON'T BE
GETTING SMART WITH ME.
YOU'RE RIGHT. HOW WOULD
YOU EVER UNDERSTAND ME?
All: OOOOH.
SAFE SEXUAL PRACTICES. THE
MORE KNOWLEDGE WE HAVE,
THE MORE INFORMED
OUR CHOICES WILL BE.
I THINK THE FEMALE ANATOMY
IS A GOOD PLACE TO START.
INSIDE THE FEMALE EXISTS
A DELICATE SYSTEM THAT...
Terry: HEY, TIME OUT, DOC!
- WE KNOW ALL THIS JUNK.
- YOU DO?
SURE. I LEARNED
FIRSTHAND FROM...
- SUZY BERLUTTI.
- All: OOOH.
AS MUCH AS HE KNOWS,
YOU'D BETTER CONTINUE.
- AND MAYBE BRING SWIFTY HERE...
- Girls: OOOH.
IN FOR EXTRA TUTORING
AFTER SCHOOL.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT. LET'S
GET BACK TO TEACHING.
- THEN YOU OUGHT TO BRING
A REAL TEACHER IN HERE!
- SHUT IT, YOU SIMIAN.
CAN'T YOU SEE THE... VERY
ADORABLE DOCTOR IS TRYING TO...
- EDUCATE?
- Wanda: YEAH.
LET HIM TEACH.
WANDA PLENN.
Terry: HEY, DOC...
I HEAR WANDA'S GOOD AND PLENTY.
Boy: OOOOH.
- OKAY, TERRY. THAT'S ENOUGH.
- WHOA.
- Vinnie: HUH-UH.
- Terry: GOOD!
'CAUSE I'M NOT LETTING SOME
GENETIC MUTOID TEACH ME SEX!
- WORD UP, YEAH!
- Doogie: WELL, HUH,
WE'VE SEEMED TO HAVE
REACHED AN IMPASSE.
SO WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR
OVER DEVELOPED DELTOIDS
- GO DIRECTLY TO THE, UH...
- VICE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!
EXACTLY.
NO WAY, DOGGIE!
I WRITE MY OWN HALL PASSES.
YOU AIN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME.
IT'S A FORGOTTEN THING.
DON'T KNOW, DOOG. TERRY
THE TANK IS A SERIOUS PSYCHO.
WE BOTH BLEW OFF
STEAM. IT'S OVER.
I'M NOT MAD AT HIM ANYMORE.
DOOGIE'S RIGHT. TANK'S PROBABLY
ABUSING SOME POOR FRESHMAN BY NOW.
OH, HEY, LOOK. THEY
PACKED IT WITH AN OLIVE.
EAT UP, DOOG. YOUR OLIVE'S DEAD.
- DID YOU GUYS HERE ABOUT
THE BIG FIGHT AFTER SCHOOL?
- FIGHT? WHO'S ON THE CARD?
- NOT YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- FIGHT? SOUNDS IMMATURE.
- Janine: WELCOME
TO HIGH SCHOOL.
I MEAN, IN A RATIONAL WORLD
PEOPLE RESOLVE THEIR DIFFERENCES
BY TALKING THEM OUT,
COMPROMISING A LITTLE,
AND TRYING TO REASON
WITH EACH OTHER.
YOU AND ME, DOGGIE. 3:00.
BEHIND THE GYM.
OH MY GOD, DOOGIE.
YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE
OFFICE. TELL THE PRINCIPAL.
COME ON, DOOG.
NO, I CAN HANDLE THIS MYSELF.
FIGHTS DON'T HAVE TO BE FOUGHT.
WE CAN TALK. WE CAN
COMPROMISE. WE CAN REASON.
- I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM.
- I'M GOING WITH YOU.
HUH-UH.
YOU KNOW...
TANK,
THE SURGEON GENERAL
HAS PROVED CONCLUSIVELY
- THAT SMOKING IS
HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
TO TALK, TO WORK THIS
MISUNDERSTANDING OUT.
THERE'S NO MISUNDERSTANDING.
I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
AT 3:00, I DROP THE DOC.
LOOK. OKAY, NOW
COME ON. THIS IS CRAZY.
OKAY, I ADMIT IT. AS A TEACHER,
I SHOULDN'T HAVE INSULTED
YOU IN FRONT OF THE CLASS.
I APOLOGIZE.
VIOLENCE RESOLVES NOTHING.
YEAH. RIGHT.
- I'M NOT A FIGHTER,
I'M A DOCTOR.
- GOOD.
THEN WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU,
YOU CAN RESET YOUR OWN NOSE.
I'M NOT GOING TO FIGHT YOU.
YOU CAME ON MY TURF
AND BUSTED ON ME.
YOU'RE GONNA PAY.
YOU GOT AN APPOINTMENT
AT 3:00, DR. HOWSER.
AND IF YOU WIMP OUT, NO PROBLEM.
I'LL KICK THE SPAGHETTI OUT
OF THAT PUNK FRIEND OF YOURS.
♪ GET UP ON YOUR FEET BEFORE
THE NIGHT IS THROUGH FOR YOU ♪
♪ GET DOWN TO THE BEAT ♪
♪ PUMP IT, STUMP
IT, JAM, TRIP ON THIS ♪
♪ GET THE PARTY STARTED ♪
♪ GET IT ON, GET
A MOVE ON, KID ♪
♪ ROCK TO THE BEAT,
PUMP IT, STUMP IT, JAM ♪
♪ TRIP ON THIS, GET UP,
GET UP, GET BUSY, DO IT ♪
♪ GET UP AND MOVE THAT BODY ♪
- ♪ GET UP, PEOPLE,
NOW GET DOWN TO IT ♪
- ♪ Before the night is over ♪
♪ GET UP, GET UP,
GET BUSY, DO IT ♪
♪ I WANNA SEE YOU PARTY ♪
♪ GET UP, PEOPLE,
NOW GET DOWN TO IT ♪
♪ Before the night is over ♪
♪ WE GOT TO TAKE A STAND ♪
♪ NOW THAT WE'RE IN
DEMAND, PARTY ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ CUT THE FIGHT, DO WHAT'S
RIGHT AND YOU JUST MIGHT ♪
♪ WIN A BATTLE
YOU NEVER FOUGHT ♪
♪ JUST BY CHECKING
THE RECORD BEFORE IT ♪
♪ OVER AND ON AND ON AGAIN ♪
♪ GET WITH IT AND
DO THAT THING ♪
♪ GET UP, GET UP,
GET BUSY, DO IT ♪
♪ GET UP AND MOVE THAT BODY ♪
♪ GET UP, PEOPLE,
NOW GET DOWN TO IT ♪
♪ Before the night is over ♪
♪ GET UP, GET UP,
GET BUSY, DO IT ♪
- ♪ I WANNA
SEE YOU PARTY... ♪
- HE AIN'T COMING.
- ♪ GET UP, PEOPLE,
NOW GET DOWN TO IT ♪
- ♪ Before the night is over ♪
- ♪ GET UP... GET DOWN ♪
- ♪ Before the night
is over. ♪
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- A LITTLE LESS
BARYSHNIKOV
AND A LOT MORE
TYSON WOULD BE GOOD.
THIS GUY IS GONNA KILL ME.
- CALL IT OFF.
- I CAN'T!
IF I JUST HAD SOME STRATEGY.
A SECRET WEAPON.
WHEN IN DOUBT, RIP 'EM OUT.
- WHAT?
- BADA-BING,
BADA-BOOM.
GO FOR THE FAMILY JEWELS.
OR DO THE HONORABLE
THING... TAKE A DIVE.
DOOGIE.
- Girl: THERE HE IS.
- Boy: ALL RIGHT, DR. HOWSER.
Boy: ALL RIGHT, READ
HIM HIS RIGHTS, TANK.
Boy #2: ALL RIGHT,
TANK. LET'S JUST DO THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES.
WELL, THAT MAKES 200 OF US.
Boy #3: BUST HIM UP, TANK.
TANK'S GONNA BEAT HIM UP.
LET'S GO.
Girl: BE CAREFUL, DOOGIE.
Vinnie: GO GET HIM,
DOOG. COME ON, DOOG.
GO GET HIM, DOOGIE.
MAYBE I'LL BREAK YOUR LEGS.
MEYERS IN ORTHOPEDICS.
OR REARRANGE YOUR FACE.
CONNORS, PLASTIC SURGERY.
- COME ON, MAN,
YOU'VE GOT HIM!
- COME ON, TANK!
- OH.
- Boy: COME ON,
DR. HOWSER!
IT'S BUTT-KICKING TIME.
- GILBERT, PROCTOLOGY.
- GO GET HIM, DOOG.
- BEEPER, PLEASE GO OFF.
- GO GET HIM, DOOGIE!
DANCE, DOOGIE! ONE, TWO, ONE...
WHAT IS THIS? THE
DEBUTANTE'S BALL?
All: OH!
Student: OH, DOOGIE!
DOOGIE!
YEAH! YEAH!
- FAMILY JEWELS. FAMILY JEWELS.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
Wanda: COME ON, DOOGIE!
OH MY...
Boy: DIDN'T EVEN FEEL IT!
NEVER LEAVE THE
LOCKER ROOM WITHOUT IT.
Boy: UH OH, YOU
MADE HIM MAD NOW!
YOU'RE DOG MEAT!
Vinnie: I'LL KILL YOU!
- I'LL KILL YOU.
- BOYS...
COME ON, YOU LITTLE RUNT.
GET OFF OF HIM!
- AWW.
- OH... OW!
IT'S OVER.
- IT'S OVER...
- COME ON, YOU...
- Vinnie:
COME ON, DOOG, GET UP.
- Girl: HIT HIM, DOOGIE.
GET HIM! FINISH HIM!
COME ON, DOOG. REMEMBER
WHAT I TAUGHT YOU.
DO IT.
THE FIGHT'S OVER.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, HOWSER.
- DOOGIE.
- Boy: ATTA WAY, HOWSER.
ISN'T IT GREAT THAT DOOGIE
GOT TO EXPERIENCE HIGH SCHOOL?
THE FUN OF BEING
WITH KIDS HIS AGE.
OH MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED?
I GOT IN A FIGHT AT SCHOOL.
OH, MY LITTLE BABY.
YOUR LITTLE BABY GOT
IN SOME NICE SHOTS.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S
ANY ORBITAL DAMAGE,
BUT I HURT MY HAND.
HMM. FIFTH METACARPAL
MAY BE BROKEN.
THAT WOULD'VE BEEN
DOOGIE'S BEST PUNCH...
AN UPPER CUT TO
THE FAMILY JEWELS.
UNFORTUNATELY THE BUM
WAS WEARING A CAST-IRON JOCK.
SORRY, MRS. HOWSER.
- DAVID, SAY SOMETHING.
- YEAH.
THE BOY'S BEEN IN A FIGHT.
IT HAPPENS. HE'S OKAY.
- OKAY? YOU CALL THIS OKAY?
- WE'LL TAKE A RIDE
DOWN TO MY OFFICE. CHECK
THIS HAND, GET IT X-RAYED.
- Katherine: ALL RIGHT.
- Vinnie: UH, I'LL STAY HERE
AND COMFORT MRS. H.
Canfield: I SENT YOU
DOWN TO THE HIGH SCHOOL
AS A REPRESENTATIVE OF THIS
INSTITUTION TO TEACH A CLASS.
INSTEAD, YOU BEAT UP
ONE OF THE STUDENTS.
THIS IS NOT STATE-OF-THE-ART
PUBLIC RELATIONS, DR. HOWSER.
I'M SORRY. I MADE EVERY
EFFORT TO AVOID A FIGHT.
YOUR EFFORTS WEREN'T
GREAT ENOUGH, WERE THEY?
YOU CERTAINLY CAN'T WORK
IN SURGERY OR E.R. LIKE THAT.
IT'LL BE OFF IN TWO,
THREE WEEKS MAX.
THIS IS NOT HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU CAN'T GO TO THE NURSE'S
OFFICE, GET AN EXCUSE AND GO HOME.
YOU'VE LET ME AND
THE STAFF DOWN.
I APOLOGIZE.
YOU'LL WORK IN THE
PSYCHIATRIC SERVICE
WHERE, MAYBE,
YOU CAN DEAL WITH YOUR
MISPLACED AGGRESSION.
YOU'RE A DOCTOR, DOUGLAS,
A POSITION IN SOCIETY THAT
COMES WITH GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.
REMEMBER THAT.
I WILL, SIR.
HEY, HOWSER! I HEARD
ABOUT YOUR FIGHT.
AH, NO BIG DEAL. JUST THE
CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
- NICE SHINER. DOES IT HURT?
- NO, ACTUALLY.
- I DON'T EVEN KNOW IT'S THERE.
- WOMEN REALLY GO FOR
A BLACK EYE.
- YOU CAN MILK THAT ONE
FOR TONS OF SYMPATHY.
- YEAH?
DOOGIE! YOU POOR THING!
DOES IT HURT?
YEAH.
- A LOT.
- OH.
WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN TO
THE E.R.? I'LL PUT SOME ICE ON IT.
OKAY, BUT... BE GENTLE WITH ME.
OF COURSE.
Mr. Radinoff, please
call operator 110.
Security to room
432 immediately.
I'LL CATCH YOU LATER,
CURLY. I'VE GOT A VISITOR.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
CAN WE TALK?
- IN PRIVATE?
- SURE.
- YOU LOOK BAD, MAN.
- YOU SHOULD SEE
THE OTHER GUY.
HEY, MY HEAD'S STILL RINGING
FROM THAT SLAP TO THE EAR.
YEAH, IT WAS A LUCKY SHOT.
TRAUMATIZED YOUR EIGHTH CRANIAL
NERVE CAUSING A LOSS OF EQUILIBRIUM
AND THAT RINGING SENSATION. IT
OUGHT TO CLEAR UP IN A COUPLE DAYS.
I WAS HOPING YOU COULD
GIVE ME A LITTLE HELP
WITH A SITUATION I GOT THAT...
ISN'T CLEARING UP.
SURE. WHAT IS IT?
YOU KNOW THAT CLASS
YOU WERE TEACHING?
I SORT OF GOT THIS...
LITTLE PROBLEM.
SWIFTY.
I'VE BEEN GETTING OUT
OF THE STARTING BLOCK
- BEFORE THE RACE BEGINS.
- THAT'S VERY SOLVABLE.
WE HAVE A SPECIALIST
HERE AT THE HOSPITAL.
LET'S SET YOU UP
FOR AN APPOINTMENT.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO TALK TO ANYBODY.
ISN'T THERE A PILL I COULD
TAKE OR SOMETHING?
TERRY, THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.
IT'S A REALLY COMMON
PROBLEM. A LOT OF GUYS HAVE IT.
- DO YOU?
- I DON'T KNOW.
OKAY.
SIGN ME UP.
THANKS,
DR. HOWSER.
HOW'RE YA FEELING?
OH, MUCH BETTER.
I HAD A FIGHT ONCE.
LENNY ORONICA.
TOUGH SON-OF-A-GUN.
HE MADE MY FRESHMEN YEAR
IN HIGH SCHOOL MISERABLE.
HE THOUGHT BEING A SENIOR
GAVE HIM THE RIGHT TO PICK ON ME.
- WHAT'D YOU DO?
- WELL, I DECKED HIM.
AND HE DECKED ME BACK.
FIGHTING...
SHOULD ALWAYS BE THE
ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT.
BUT, UH,
IT'S NICE TO KNOW IF
YOU HAVE TO, YOU CAN.
YEAH, WELL, I HOPE
I NEVER HAVE TO.
HMM.
HMM.
GOOD NIGHT, SON.
- Canfield: YES.
YOU'RE GOING BACK TO
HIGH SCHOOL, DR. HOWSER.
BACK?
I NEVER REALLY WENT.
OF COURSE.
THE BOARD OF EDUCATION HAS
APPROACHED US WITH A UNIQUE IDEA.
IN LIGHT OF THE INCREASED
RATES IN TEENAGE PREGNANCIES
AND SEXUALLY
TRANSMITTED DISEASES,
THEY FELT IT WOULD BE MOST
BENEFICIAL TO HAVE A PEER
TEACH THE STUDENTS
SAFE SEXUAL PRACTICES,
THAT PEER BEING YOU.
OH.
ME? IN HIGH SCHOOL?
- TEACHING SAFE SEX?
- HIGH SCHOOL TEACHERS
DON'T SEEM TO BE
GETTING THROUGH.
YOU, BEING THEIR AGE, MIGHT BE ABLE TO
COMMUNICATE BETTER WITH THE STUDENTS.
NAH, I'M NOT SO SURE
I'M RIGHT FOR THIS.
WE THINK YOU CAN DO A
LOT OF GOOD FOR THESE KIDS.
AND IT'S EXCELLENT COMMUNITY
RELATIONS FOR THE HOSPITAL.
WELL, I GUESS I'VE
GOT NO CHOICE THEN.
JUST REMEMBER, DR. HOWSER,
WE EDUCATE. WE DON'T CONDONE.
Doogie: THE IMPORTANT
THING IS KNOWLEDGE.
IF YOU HAVE THAT, YOU
CAN AVOID SOME PRETTY...
GNARLY EXPERIENCES. HERE.
ACCORDING TO A HARRIS POLL,
FEMALES LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY
AT AN AVERAGE AGE OF 16.2 YEARS.
MALES, 15.7 YEARS.
MARCH OF '91, YES!
AND IF ANY OF YOU FALL
INTO THAT CATEGORY,
THIS SHOULD BE YOUR BEST
FRIEND, YOUR PROTECTOR.
WOULD YOU GUYS JUMP OUT OF AN
AIRPLANE WITHOUT A PARACHUTE?
All: NO.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO
FIND OUT THE FACTS.
IF YOU USE THE INFORMATION OR NOT,
IT'S GOOD TO HAVE. HAVE A GREAT DAY.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
BITCHEN CLASS, DR. HOWSER.
THAT THING ABOUT THE
FALLOPIAN TUBES WAS, WELL,
- TUBULAR.
- YEAH, WELL, UH,
THEY ARE.
HI, MY NAME...
GOOD MORNING. GOOD MORNING.
GOOD MORNING,
AHEM, MY NAME IS...
- DR. HOWSER.
- I HOPE WE AIN'T
INTERRUPTING YA...
"DOC."
WELL, ACTUALLY...
I WAS JUST... JUST
ABOUT TO BEGIN.
MY NAME IS DOUGLAS HOWSER.
I'M A DOCTOR AT EASTMAN.
YOU CAN CALL ME DOOGIE.
- YES?
- EXCUSE ME, DOC.
BUT DID YOU SAY YOUR
NAME WAS... DOGGIE?
- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- YOU DON'T READ
THE SPORTS SECTION?
TERRY SERANSKI.
FIRST TEAM, ALL STATE.
OH, SO YOU MEAN THERE'S A
WHOLE TEAM OF PEOPLE LIKE YOU?
OOH, WHAT A THOUGHT.
HEY, BUD. DON'T BE
GETTING SMART WITH ME.
YOU'RE RIGHT. HOW WOULD
YOU EVER UNDERSTAND ME?
All: OOOOH.
SAFE SEXUAL PRACTICES. THE
MORE KNOWLEDGE WE HAVE,
THE MORE INFORMED
OUR CHOICES WILL BE.
I THINK THE FEMALE ANATOMY
IS A GOOD PLACE TO START.
INSIDE THE FEMALE EXISTS
A DELICATE SYSTEM THAT...
Terry: HEY, TIME OUT, DOC!
- WE KNOW ALL THIS JUNK.
- YOU DO?
SURE. I LEARNED
FIRSTHAND FROM...
- SUZY BERLUTTI.
- All: OOOH.
AS MUCH AS HE KNOWS,
YOU'D BETTER CONTINUE.
- AND MAYBE BRING SWIFTY HERE...
- Girls: OOOH.
IN FOR EXTRA TUTORING
AFTER SCHOOL.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT. LET'S
GET BACK TO TEACHING.
- THEN YOU OUGHT TO BRING
A REAL TEACHER IN HERE!
- SHUT IT, YOU SIMIAN.
CAN'T YOU SEE THE... VERY
ADORABLE DOCTOR IS TRYING TO...
- EDUCATE?
- Wanda: YEAH.
LET HIM TEACH.
WANDA PLENN.
Terry: HEY, DOC...
I HEAR WANDA'S GOOD AND PLENTY.
Boy: OOOOH.
- OKAY, TERRY. THAT'S ENOUGH.
- WHOA.
- Vinnie: HUH-UH.
- Terry: GOOD!
'CAUSE I'M NOT LETTING SOME
GENETIC MUTOID TEACH ME SEX!
- WORD UP, YEAH!
- Doogie: WELL, HUH,
WE'VE SEEMED TO HAVE
REACHED AN IMPASSE.
SO WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR
OVER DEVELOPED DELTOIDS
- GO DIRECTLY TO THE, UH...
- VICE PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE!
EXACTLY.
NO WAY, DOGGIE!
I WRITE MY OWN HALL PASSES.
YOU AIN'T SEEN THE LAST OF ME.
IT'S A FORGOTTEN THING.
DON'T KNOW, DOOG. TERRY
THE TANK IS A SERIOUS PSYCHO.
WE BOTH BLEW OFF
STEAM. IT'S OVER.
I'M NOT MAD AT HIM ANYMORE.
DOOGIE'S RIGHT. TANK'S PROBABLY
ABUSING SOME POOR FRESHMAN BY NOW.
OH, HEY, LOOK. THEY
PACKED IT WITH AN OLIVE.
EAT UP, DOOG. YOUR OLIVE'S DEAD.
- DID YOU GUYS HERE ABOUT
THE BIG FIGHT AFTER SCHOOL?
- FIGHT? WHO'S ON THE CARD?
- NOT YOU.
- THANK YOU.
- FIGHT? SOUNDS IMMATURE.
- Janine: WELCOME
TO HIGH SCHOOL.
I MEAN, IN A RATIONAL WORLD
PEOPLE RESOLVE THEIR DIFFERENCES
BY TALKING THEM OUT,
COMPROMISING A LITTLE,
AND TRYING TO REASON
WITH EACH OTHER.
YOU AND ME, DOGGIE. 3:00.
BEHIND THE GYM.
OH MY GOD, DOOGIE.
YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE
OFFICE. TELL THE PRINCIPAL.
COME ON, DOOG.
NO, I CAN HANDLE THIS MYSELF.
FIGHTS DON'T HAVE TO BE FOUGHT.
WE CAN TALK. WE CAN
COMPROMISE. WE CAN REASON.
- I'M GONNA GO TALK TO HIM.
- I'M GOING WITH YOU.
HUH-UH.
YOU KNOW...
TANK,
THE SURGEON GENERAL
HAS PROVED CONCLUSIVELY
- THAT SMOKING IS
HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.
- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
TO TALK, TO WORK THIS
MISUNDERSTANDING OUT.
THERE'S NO MISUNDERSTANDING.
I'M GONNA KILL YOU.
AT 3:00, I DROP THE DOC.
LOOK. OKAY, NOW
COME ON. THIS IS CRAZY.
OKAY, I ADMIT IT. AS A TEACHER,
I SHOULDN'T HAVE INSULTED
YOU IN FRONT OF THE CLASS.
I APOLOGIZE.
VIOLENCE RESOLVES NOTHING.
YEAH. RIGHT.
- I'M NOT A FIGHTER,
I'M A DOCTOR.
- GOOD.
THEN WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU,
YOU CAN RESET YOUR OWN NOSE.
I'M NOT GOING TO FIGHT YOU.
YOU CAME ON MY TURF
AND BUSTED ON ME.
YOU'RE GONNA PAY.
YOU GOT AN APPOINTMENT
AT 3:00, DR. HOWSER.
AND IF YOU WIMP OUT, NO PROBLEM.
I'LL KICK THE SPAGHETTI OUT
OF THAT PUNK FRIEND OF YOURS.
♪ GET UP ON YOUR FEET BEFORE
THE NIGHT IS THROUGH FOR YOU ♪
♪ GET DOWN TO THE BEAT ♪
♪ PUMP IT, STUMP
IT, JAM, TRIP ON THIS ♪
♪ GET THE PARTY STARTED ♪
♪ GET IT ON, GET
A MOVE ON, KID ♪
♪ ROCK TO THE BEAT,
PUMP IT, STUMP IT, JAM ♪
♪ TRIP ON THIS, GET UP,
GET UP, GET BUSY, DO IT ♪
♪ GET UP AND MOVE THAT BODY ♪
- ♪ GET UP, PEOPLE,
NOW GET DOWN TO IT ♪
- ♪ Before the night is over ♪
♪ GET UP, GET UP,
GET BUSY, DO IT ♪
♪ I WANNA SEE YOU PARTY ♪
♪ GET UP, PEOPLE,
NOW GET DOWN TO IT ♪
♪ Before the night is over ♪
♪ WE GOT TO TAKE A STAND ♪
♪ NOW THAT WE'RE IN
DEMAND, PARTY ALL NIGHT ♪
♪ CUT THE FIGHT, DO WHAT'S
RIGHT AND YOU JUST MIGHT ♪
♪ WIN A BATTLE
YOU NEVER FOUGHT ♪
♪ JUST BY CHECKING
THE RECORD BEFORE IT ♪
♪ OVER AND ON AND ON AGAIN ♪
♪ GET WITH IT AND
DO THAT THING ♪
♪ GET UP, GET UP,
GET BUSY, DO IT ♪
♪ GET UP AND MOVE THAT BODY ♪
♪ GET UP, PEOPLE,
NOW GET DOWN TO IT ♪
♪ Before the night is over ♪
♪ GET UP, GET UP,
GET BUSY, DO IT ♪
- ♪ I WANNA
SEE YOU PARTY... ♪
- HE AIN'T COMING.
- ♪ GET UP, PEOPLE,
NOW GET DOWN TO IT ♪
- ♪ Before the night is over ♪
- ♪ GET UP... GET DOWN ♪
- ♪ Before the night
is over. ♪
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- A LITTLE LESS
BARYSHNIKOV
AND A LOT MORE
TYSON WOULD BE GOOD.
THIS GUY IS GONNA KILL ME.
- CALL IT OFF.
- I CAN'T!
IF I JUST HAD SOME STRATEGY.
A SECRET WEAPON.
WHEN IN DOUBT, RIP 'EM OUT.
- WHAT?
- BADA-BING,
BADA-BOOM.
GO FOR THE FAMILY JEWELS.
OR DO THE HONORABLE
THING... TAKE A DIVE.
DOOGIE.
- Girl: THERE HE IS.
- Boy: ALL RIGHT, DR. HOWSER.
Boy: ALL RIGHT, READ
HIM HIS RIGHTS, TANK.
Boy #2: ALL RIGHT,
TANK. LET'S JUST DO THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES.
WELL, THAT MAKES 200 OF US.
Boy #3: BUST HIM UP, TANK.
TANK'S GONNA BEAT HIM UP.
LET'S GO.
Girl: BE CAREFUL, DOOGIE.
Vinnie: GO GET HIM,
DOOG. COME ON, DOOG.
GO GET HIM, DOOGIE.
MAYBE I'LL BREAK YOUR LEGS.
MEYERS IN ORTHOPEDICS.
OR REARRANGE YOUR FACE.
CONNORS, PLASTIC SURGERY.
- COME ON, MAN,
YOU'VE GOT HIM!
- COME ON, TANK!
- OH.
- Boy: COME ON,
DR. HOWSER!
IT'S BUTT-KICKING TIME.
- GILBERT, PROCTOLOGY.
- GO GET HIM, DOOG.
- BEEPER, PLEASE GO OFF.
- GO GET HIM, DOOGIE!
DANCE, DOOGIE! ONE, TWO, ONE...
WHAT IS THIS? THE
DEBUTANTE'S BALL?
All: OH!
Student: OH, DOOGIE!
DOOGIE!
YEAH! YEAH!
- FAMILY JEWELS. FAMILY JEWELS.
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
Wanda: COME ON, DOOGIE!
OH MY...
Boy: DIDN'T EVEN FEEL IT!
NEVER LEAVE THE
LOCKER ROOM WITHOUT IT.
Boy: UH OH, YOU
MADE HIM MAD NOW!
YOU'RE DOG MEAT!
Vinnie: I'LL KILL YOU!
- I'LL KILL YOU.
- BOYS...
COME ON, YOU LITTLE RUNT.
GET OFF OF HIM!
- AWW.
- OH... OW!
IT'S OVER.
- IT'S OVER...
- COME ON, YOU...
- Vinnie:
COME ON, DOOG, GET UP.
- Girl: HIT HIM, DOOGIE.
GET HIM! FINISH HIM!
COME ON, DOOG. REMEMBER
WHAT I TAUGHT YOU.
DO IT.
THE FIGHT'S OVER.
YOU'RE ALL RIGHT, HOWSER.
- DOOGIE.
- Boy: ATTA WAY, HOWSER.
ISN'T IT GREAT THAT DOOGIE
GOT TO EXPERIENCE HIGH SCHOOL?
THE FUN OF BEING
WITH KIDS HIS AGE.
OH MY GOD. WHAT HAPPENED?
I GOT IN A FIGHT AT SCHOOL.
OH, MY LITTLE BABY.
YOUR LITTLE BABY GOT
IN SOME NICE SHOTS.
I DON'T THINK THERE'S
ANY ORBITAL DAMAGE,
BUT I HURT MY HAND.
HMM. FIFTH METACARPAL
MAY BE BROKEN.
THAT WOULD'VE BEEN
DOOGIE'S BEST PUNCH...
AN UPPER CUT TO
THE FAMILY JEWELS.
UNFORTUNATELY THE BUM
WAS WEARING A CAST-IRON JOCK.
SORRY, MRS. HOWSER.
- DAVID, SAY SOMETHING.
- YEAH.
THE BOY'S BEEN IN A FIGHT.
IT HAPPENS. HE'S OKAY.
- OKAY? YOU CALL THIS OKAY?
- WE'LL TAKE A RIDE
DOWN TO MY OFFICE. CHECK
THIS HAND, GET IT X-RAYED.
- Katherine: ALL RIGHT.
- Vinnie: UH, I'LL STAY HERE
AND COMFORT MRS. H.
Canfield: I SENT YOU
DOWN TO THE HIGH SCHOOL
AS A REPRESENTATIVE OF THIS
INSTITUTION TO TEACH A CLASS.
INSTEAD, YOU BEAT UP
ONE OF THE STUDENTS.
THIS IS NOT STATE-OF-THE-ART
PUBLIC RELATIONS, DR. HOWSER.
I'M SORRY. I MADE EVERY
EFFORT TO AVOID A FIGHT.
YOUR EFFORTS WEREN'T
GREAT ENOUGH, WERE THEY?
YOU CERTAINLY CAN'T WORK
IN SURGERY OR E.R. LIKE THAT.
IT'LL BE OFF IN TWO,
THREE WEEKS MAX.
THIS IS NOT HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU CAN'T GO TO THE NURSE'S
OFFICE, GET AN EXCUSE AND GO HOME.
YOU'VE LET ME AND
THE STAFF DOWN.
I APOLOGIZE.
YOU'LL WORK IN THE
PSYCHIATRIC SERVICE
WHERE, MAYBE,
YOU CAN DEAL WITH YOUR
MISPLACED AGGRESSION.
YOU'RE A DOCTOR, DOUGLAS,
A POSITION IN SOCIETY THAT
COMES WITH GREAT RESPONSIBILITY.
REMEMBER THAT.
I WILL, SIR.
HEY, HOWSER! I HEARD
ABOUT YOUR FIGHT.
AH, NO BIG DEAL. JUST THE
CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
- NICE SHINER. DOES IT HURT?
- NO, ACTUALLY.
- I DON'T EVEN KNOW IT'S THERE.
- WOMEN REALLY GO FOR
A BLACK EYE.
- YOU CAN MILK THAT ONE
FOR TONS OF SYMPATHY.
- YEAH?
DOOGIE! YOU POOR THING!
DOES IT HURT?
YEAH.
- A LOT.
- OH.
WHY DON'T YOU COME DOWN TO
THE E.R.? I'LL PUT SOME ICE ON IT.
OKAY, BUT... BE GENTLE WITH ME.
OF COURSE.
Mr. Radinoff, please
call operator 110.
Security to room
432 immediately.
I'LL CATCH YOU LATER,
CURLY. I'VE GOT A VISITOR.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
CAN WE TALK?
- IN PRIVATE?
- SURE.
- YOU LOOK BAD, MAN.
- YOU SHOULD SEE
THE OTHER GUY.
HEY, MY HEAD'S STILL RINGING
FROM THAT SLAP TO THE EAR.
YEAH, IT WAS A LUCKY SHOT.
TRAUMATIZED YOUR EIGHTH CRANIAL
NERVE CAUSING A LOSS OF EQUILIBRIUM
AND THAT RINGING SENSATION. IT
OUGHT TO CLEAR UP IN A COUPLE DAYS.
I WAS HOPING YOU COULD
GIVE ME A LITTLE HELP
WITH A SITUATION I GOT THAT...
ISN'T CLEARING UP.
SURE. WHAT IS IT?
YOU KNOW THAT CLASS
YOU WERE TEACHING?
I SORT OF GOT THIS...
LITTLE PROBLEM.
SWIFTY.
I'VE BEEN GETTING OUT
OF THE STARTING BLOCK
- BEFORE THE RACE BEGINS.
- THAT'S VERY SOLVABLE.
WE HAVE A SPECIALIST
HERE AT THE HOSPITAL.
LET'S SET YOU UP
FOR AN APPOINTMENT.
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE
TO TALK TO ANYBODY.
ISN'T THERE A PILL I COULD
TAKE OR SOMETHING?
TERRY, THERE'S NOTHING
TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT.
IT'S A REALLY COMMON
PROBLEM. A LOT OF GUYS HAVE IT.
- DO YOU?
- I DON'T KNOW.
OKAY.
SIGN ME UP.
THANKS,
DR. HOWSER.
HOW'RE YA FEELING?
OH, MUCH BETTER.
I HAD A FIGHT ONCE.
LENNY ORONICA.
TOUGH SON-OF-A-GUN.
HE MADE MY FRESHMEN YEAR
IN HIGH SCHOOL MISERABLE.
HE THOUGHT BEING A SENIOR
GAVE HIM THE RIGHT TO PICK ON ME.
- WHAT'D YOU DO?
- WELL, I DECKED HIM.
AND HE DECKED ME BACK.
FIGHTING...
SHOULD ALWAYS BE THE
ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT.
BUT, UH,
IT'S NICE TO KNOW IF
YOU HAVE TO, YOU CAN.
YEAH, WELL, I HOPE
I NEVER HAVE TO.
HMM.
HMM.
GOOD NIGHT, SON.