Doogie Howser, M.D. (1989–1993): Season 1, Episode 19 - Doogie's Awesome, Excellent Adventure - full transcript

NO WAY. MICHAEL J. FOX IS
CUTE, BUT TOM CRUISE IS SEXY.

GET OUT OF HERE.
MICHAEL J. FOX IS SEXY.

WHAT MAKES A GUY SEXY TO WOMEN?

DON'T ASK ABOUT THINGS
YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

- OH MY GOD.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

- WHAT?
- Janine: GRIFFIN MARSHAL.

Doogie: WHO IS GRIFFIN MARSHALL?

ONLY LIKE THE MOST
AWESOME GUY IN THE WORLD.

OH, KILL ME, I LIKE DIDN'T KNOW.

Girl: GRIFFIN MARSHALL'S THE
MOST POPULAR GUY IN THE SCHOOL.

PEOPLE WALK LIKE HIM,
THEY DRESS LIKE HIM.



- I DON'T.
- HE'S IN WITH
THE GLAM GROUP.

HE ALWAYS KNOWS WHERE
ALL THE GREAT PARTIES ARE.

I DON'T TAKE YOU
TO GREAT PARTIES?

Vinnie: HE GETS GREAT
SEATS FOR ANY CONCERT.

- HE IS AN EXCELLENT DRESSER.
- HEY, I'M A GOOD DRESSER.

- HE HAS HIS OWN GROUPIES.
- I DON'T HAVE THAT.

AND HE WEARS AN EARRING.

Wanda: I LOVE EARRINGS ON GUYS.

Doogie: WHAT'S AN EARRING?
IT'S A HOLE IN YOUR EAR.

Janine: I'D KILL TO MEET HIM.

YOU NEVER TOLD ME
YOU LIKED EARRINGS.

I'D KILL YOU TO MEET HIM.

HE'S JUST A PERSON. HIS INSIDES
ARE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S,

- GROSS AND DISGUSTING.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?



Woman: GRIFFIN.

HE'S ALSO PASSED
OUT. WANDA, CALL 911.

VINNIE, CAN YOU GET
THE BAG OUT OF MY CAR?

Woman: GO GET HELP OR SOMETHING.

- HEY, WHAT DO YOU...
- I'M A DOCTOR.

HE SAID HIS THROAT WAS TIGHT AND
HE WAS HAVING TROUBLE BREATHING.

HE'S IN ANAPHYLACTIC SHOCK. IF
WE DON'T GET A SHOT OF EPINEPHRINE,

HIS VOCAL CORDS COULD SWELL
UP AND CLOSE OFF HIS LARYNX.

ALL RIGHT. THIS SHOULD
BRING HIM AROUND.

- WHAT HAPPENED?
- YOU PASSED OUT.

- WHO ARE YOU?
- HE GAVE YOU FIRST AID.

ARE YOU OKAY?

DID YOU GIVE ME
MOUTH-TO-MOUTH RESUSCITATION?

NO.

THEN I'M OKAY.

IS THAT PILLOW COMFORTABLE
ENOUGH, GRIFFIN?

DO YOU NEED SOME
MORE JUICE, GRIFFIN?

THERE'S MY MAN.

HE IS SO COOL. SEE YOU.

YOUR TESTS TURNED OUT
OKAY AND I CALLED SENOR CHILI

AND THEY DO PUT PEANUTS IN
THEIR CHILI. THAT'S WHAT GOT YOU.

YEAH, MAN, I'M WAY
ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS.

SO YOU'RE FINE,
YOU'RE FREE TO GO.

HEY, MAN, YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

THAT'S LIKE A HEAVY THING.

IT'S NOTHING, IT'S
LIKE WHAT I DO.

NO, MAN, IT WAS SCANDALOUS.

- AND I OWE YOU BIG FOR THIS.
- REALLY, IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

NO, I GOTTA PAY
YOU BACK FOR THIS.

YOU KNOW, I HAVE BEEN
KIND OF BUSY LATELY,

WHAT WITH GOING TO MEDICAL
SCHOOL AND BEING A DOCTOR.

AND I HAVEN'T REALLY
EXACTLY BEEN ABLE TO...

UH, SORT OF KEEP UP WITH THINGS.

YOU KNOW... CLOTHES AND MUSIC.

YOU WANNA BE COOL?

THAT'S COOL. I'M YOUR MAN.

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU THE SECOND-
COOLEST DUDE AROUND, DARREN.

DOOGIE.

WE'LL CHANGE THAT.

- OKAY.
- YEAH.

♪ NOW, WHEN I WAS A YOUNG BOY ♪

♪ AT THE AGE OF FIVE ♪

♪ MY MOTHER FELT I'D BE ♪

♪ THE GREATEST MAN ALIVE ♪

♪ BUT NOW I'M A MAN ♪

♪ I MADE 21 ♪

♪ I WANT YOU TO
BELIEVE ME, HONEY ♪

♪ WE'RE HAVING LOTS OF FUN ♪

♪ I'M A MAN ♪

♪ I SPELL "M"... ♪

♪ "A", CHILD... ♪

♪ "N" ♪

♪ THAT REPRESENT MAN ♪

♪ NO "B" ♪

♪ "O", CHILD ♪

♪ "Y" ♪

♪ THAT SPELL "MANNISH BOY" ♪

♪ BUT A MAN ♪

♪ I'M A FULL-GROWN MAN ♪

♪ I'M A MAN ♪

♪ I'M A ROLLING STONE ♪

♪ I'M A MAN ♪

♪ I'M A HOOTCHY-KOOTCHY MAN ♪

♪ SITTING ON THE OUTSIDE ♪

♪ JUST ME AND MY MATE ♪

♪ I MADE THE MOVE ♪

♪ COME UP TWO HOURS LATER ♪

♪ WELL, NOT A MAN ♪

♪ I SPELL "M"... ♪

♪ "A", CHILD ♪

♪ "N" ♪

♪ "O", CHILD ♪

♪ "Y" ♪

♪ THAT SPELL "MANNISH BOY." ♪

DOOG, IS THAT YOU UNDER THERE?

- SAVAGE, MAN - WOW, DOOGIE.

BABE, YOU ARE LOOKING BODACIOUS.

THANK YOU, DOOGIE.

- Man: LOOKING GOOD.
- Curly: I CAN'T BELIEVE
THE WAY YOU LOOK.

- DO YOU LIKE IT?
- I LOVE IT.

YOU LOOK INCREDIBLE.
THAT EARRING IS VERY SEXY.

I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO GET MY
HUSBAND TO PIERCE HIS EAR FOR YEARS.

LOOKS GREAT, DOOGIE.

DOC. THAT'S WHAT
MI AMIGOS CALL ME.

HELLO EVERYONE. DR. HOWSER.

DR. HOWSER? DOUGLAS?

HEY, MY MAN.

THIS IS A NEW LOOK
FOR YOU, DOUGLAS.

YEAH, WELL, I'M JUST
TRYING TO HANG EASY.

YOU KNOW, GO WITH THE FLOW.

NO MORE BOGUS TIES FOR ME. I
GUESS I JUST FOUND WHO I AM.

CAN YOU ALSO FIND
A PAIR OF PANTS

THAT COVER YOUR
KNEES, DR. HOWSER?

BUENO, DUDE... DR. CANFIELD.

- THANK YOU, DOUGLAS.
- FOR WHAT?

FOR REMINDING ME THAT MY
CHILDREN AREN'T TEENAGERS ANYMORE.

Doogie: DAD? CAN I TAKE YOUR
750 TO THE PARTY TONIGHT?

- NO.
- WHY?

I HAVE PROVEN MYSELF TO
BE RESPONSIBLE AND MATURE.

A MATURE PERSON
DOESN'T WEAR AN EARRING,

CUT HOLES IN A BRAND
NEW PAIR OF JEANS

AND CALL HIS FATHER
"MUNGO DUDE."

- RIGHT, DEAR?
- I LIKE THE EARRING.

I THINK IT'S SEXY.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME...

I HAVE TO GET MY BEEPER.
I'M ON CALL TONIGHT.

I THINK WE SHOULD
BE GOING, DEAR.

WAIT. DAD, WHAT IF I PROMISE

THAT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
WILL HAPPEN TO YOUR CAR?

I AM SORRY, SON.
BESIDES, I'M NOT EVEN SURE

THAT YOU ARE COVERED ON
MY INSURANCE TO DRIVE IT.

JUST HAVE TO GET A RIDE
WITH ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS,

OR YOU COULD TAKE YOUR OWN CAR.

YOU ARE DESTROYING
MY REPUTATION.

IF YOUR REPUTATION

HINGES ON IMPRESSING A BUNCH
OF KIDS WITH YOUR FATHER'S CAR,

I'D SAY THEY WEREN'T
VERY GOOD FRIENDS.

YOU BOUGHT THE CAR
TO IMPRESS YOUR FRIENDS.

DON'T BE SMART.

I CAN'T HELP IT.
PLEASE, JUST THIS ONCE?

DOUGLAS, I HAVE MADE UP MY MIND.

NO, YOU'VE CLOSED YOUR MIND.

THAT'S ENOUGH, DOUGLAS.
THE MOVIE GETS OUT AT 10:30.

WE'LL BE HOME BY 11:00.

MOM, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

DOOGIE, TRY TO UNDERSTAND...

YOUR FATHER LOVES
HIS CAR VERY MUCH.

HE HAS A SPECIAL...

RELATIONSHIP WITH IT.

- IT'S SICK.
- HE'S JUST VERY PARTICULAR
ABOUT IT.

THAT'S WHY WE'RE
TAKING MY CAR TONIGHT.

HE DOESN'T WANNA
PARK HIS ON THE STREET.

I JUST WANNA USE IT ONCE.

MAYBE I CAN CHANGE HIS MIND.

Howser: DON'T EVEN TRY.

SO WHAT'RE YOU DOING, EINSTEIN?

MY DAD HAS A SPARE SET OF
KEYS TO THE BMW IN A WALL SAFE

AND HE'S GOT A PRIVATE
FILE ON HIS COMPUTER

WITH IMPORTANT STUFF ON IT,
LIKE THE COMBINATION TO THE SAFE.

NOW, I'VE COPIED HIS PROGRAM,

IF I CAN JUST FIND THE
PASSWORD, THEN I CAN GET IN.

I'VE GOT IT, IGOR.

WHEN YOU POKED A HOLE IN YOUR EAR, I
THINK YOU WENT ALL THE WAY INTO YOUR BRAIN.

VINNIE, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT THIS MEANS?

YOU SPIT WHEN YOU
GET EXCITED, DOOG.

THIS MEANS I CAN TAKE MY
FATHER'S CAR TO THE PARTY.

YOU GONNA TAKE
YOUR FATHER'S CAR?

- YEAH.
- WITHOUT YOUR FATHER'S
PERMISSION?

EXACTLY. WE HAVE LIFTOFF.

I MEAN, YOU'RE GONNA STEAL YOUR DAD'S
MOST PRIZED POSSESSION IN THE WORLD?

EVEN THOUGH YOU KNOW THAT IF HE
EVER FOUND OUT HE WOULD KILL YOU

AND MAKE YOU PAY AND SUFFER
FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

AHA... BUT HE WON'T FIND OUT.

RIGHT.

DON'T YOU HAVE TO SANDPAPER
YOUR FINGERS OR SOMETHING?

THIS HAS GOT TO BE
THE RIGHT COMBINATION.

OKAY, LET'S TRY HER.

I'M SWEATING IN PLACES I
DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT.

Doogie: WAIT TILL
GRIFFIN SEES THIS.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

OH, VIN... GRIFFIN INVITED ME.

SO I DON'T THINK I CAN
BRING ANYONE ELSE.

I GUESS IT'S NOT AN OPEN PARTY.

- OH, RIGHT.
- LOOK, VINNIE, I...

NO, FORGET IT, DOOG. IF I'M NOT
COOL ENOUGH, I DON'T WANNA GO.

- VINNIE...
- NO, IT'S OKAY.

- YOU'RE IN
WITH THE POPULAR GUYS.
- IT'S JUST ONE PARTY.

LOOK, DOOG, I GET THE MESSAGE.
YOU DON'T NEED ME ANYMORE.

WOW! THIS CAR HAS
SEVERE SPEAKERS.

- WICKED.
- YOU'RE A VICIOUS DUDE, DOC.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR
FATHER LET YOU USE HIS CAR.

HE MUST REALLY TRUST YOU.

YEAH... WATCH YOUR STEP, SUSAN.

YOU DON'T WANNA RUIN THOSE
SPIKED HEELS ON THE UPHOLSTERY.

THANKS, DOC.

WHAT'S WRONG, DOOGIE?

I'M NOT SO SURE THIS IS THE
BEST PLACE TO PARK THE CAR.

HEY, DOUG. DON'T SPAZZ OUT
ON ME, THE CAR WILL BE FINE.

AND SO WILL WE, ONCE
WE GO INSIDE AND PARTY.

YOU'RE RIGHT, I'M CHARGED
UP, IT'S PARTY TIME.

IT IS JUST THAT I HAVE TO
BE AT THE HOSPITAL BY 11:00,

AND I'M ON THE LATE
SHIFT. OTHERWISE I'D STAY.

HEY, IT'S COOL. YOU CAN
DROP US OFF AT ELLEN'S.

SHE'S HAVING A PARTY
TO CELEBRATE THIS PARTY.

OH MY GOD.

IT'S STOLEN.

OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD, I'M DEAD.

MY FATHER IS GOING TO KILL ME.

HEY, DOC, DON'T WIG OUT
HERE. THIS WASN'T YOUR FAULT.

YOUR DAD LET YOU USE THE CAR.
CAN'T HELP IT IF IT GOT STOLEN.

YEAH, HEY, NOW YOU GOT AN
EXCUSE TO STAY AND PARTY, MAN.

YOU JUST TELL YOUR DAD, "HEY, HOW WAS I
SUPPOSED TO GET HOME? THE CAR WAS STOLEN."

NO, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

THIS WAS MY FAULT.

I TOOK THE CAR WITHOUT
MY FATHER'S PERMISSION.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
LOOK, WE GOTTA CALL THE POLICE.

IT'S NOT STOLEN, IT'S BEEN
TOWED. I'M GONNA LIVE.

- WHAT TIME IS IT?
- IT'S 10:00.

I'M GONNA DIE.

LOOK, I'M VERY SORRY.

I KNOW IF THAT WERE ME,
MY DAD'S CAR GOT TOWED...

I'D BE SWEATING
BULLETS. BUT IT'S NOT!

HEY, DUDE, ALL RIGHT.

HEY, JESSIE, CAN YOU GIVE
US A RIDE OVER TO ELLEN'S?

Jessie: YEAH, SURE, COME ON.

Doogie: IF I DON'T GET THE CAR
BACK INTO THE GARAGE BY 11:00,

MY PARENTS ARE GONNA KILL ME.

JUST LET ME TAKE
THE CAR AND I PROMISE

TOMORROW I WILL GO TO THE
BANK AND GET YOUR MONEY.

YOU WANT THE CAR,
YOU CAN PAY THE FINE.

$127.

BUT I DON'T HAVE
THE MONEY WITH ME.

THEN YOU DON'T GET THE CAR.

THIS IS INFANTILE. LEGALLY YOU
HAVE NO BASIS TO HOLD MY CAR

WHEN I CAN OFFER SUFFICIENT AND
PROPORTIONATE COLLATERAL AS COMPENSATION.

TAKE MY WATCH,
TAKE MY GIRLFRIEND.

MY FATHER IS GONNA
PULVERIZE ME INTO DEAD MEAT

IF I DON'T HAVE THAT
CAR BACK IN 10 MINUTES.

- OH, THANK GOD.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

SHOW A LITTLE GRATITUDE, I'M
ABOUT TO SAVE YOUR SNOTTY BUTT.

I CALLED HIM, DOOGIE.
YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

STEP ASIDE. YOU GOTTA KNOW
HOW TO TALK TO THESE PEOPLE.

- YO!
- YO!

- SEE? HOW MUCH?
- $127.

TOOK ME THREE
YEARS TO SAVE THIS.

I'LL TAKE YOU HOME, WANDA.

VINNIE, I REALLY APPRECIATE
THIS. YOU'RE A GREAT FRIEND.

- WISH I COULD SAY
THE SAME ABOUT YOU.
- DOOGIE, GO.

- DON'T BE MAD AT HIM, VINNIE.
- WHY NOT?

GRIFFIN JUST SUCKED HIM IN.

WE ALL THOUGHT HE WAS SO COOL...

HE TURNED OUT TO BE SUCH A JERK.

YEAH, A JERK THAT MY
BEST FRIEND DUMPED ME FOR.

HE DIDN'T MEAN TO. HE KNOWS
WHAT A GOOD FRIEND YOU ARE.

YEAH? WELL, HE SHOULD KNOW HOW
HARD IT IS FOR ME TO BE HIS FRIEND.

I MEAN, HOW MANY GUYS
WOULD HANG OUT WITH SOMEONE

WHO WORKS WEEKENDS
AND GETS JAZZED OVER STUFF

LIKE BLOOD, KIDNEYS AND MUCUS?

I THINK DOOGIE IS REALLY LUCKY
TO HAVE YOU AS A BEST FRIEND.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
I AM HIS BEST FRIEND.

I MEAN, WHO ELSE IS
GONNA DELIVER THE EULOGY?

- WHAT EULOGY?
- THE ONE HE'S GONNA NEED
WHEN HIS FATHER KILLS HIM.

Howser: NOW THAT
WAS A GREAT MOVIE.

HI, HONEY. HOW WAS YOUR EVENING?

NOTHING SPECIAL. I'M JUST KIND
OF ENGROSSED IN THIS SHOW.

Man on TV: just take a
little of the... oh my gosh,

take a little of a spray-on mousse,
something that's very, very light. Okay...

YOU'LL NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU'LL
NEED ME TO GIVE YOU A HAIRCUT, MOM.

YES, WELL... I'M
GONNA GO UPSTAIRS.

Man on TV: just
gonna take the dryer...

- GOOD NIGHT, DOOGIE.
- GOOD NIGHT, MOM.

DOUGLAS, I'D LIKE
TO TALK TO YOU.

YEAH, DAD?

I BELIEVE I WAS UNFAIR
TO YOU TONIGHT.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
- I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT

AND I WAS WRONG. I SHOULD
HAVE LET YOU BORROW MY CAR.

OH NO, IT'S OKAY, REALLY.

NO, IT ISN'T.

YOU HAVE PROVEN YOURSELF TO
BE TRUSTWORTHY AND RESPONSIBLE

AND I REALIZE THAT YOU WOULD NEVER
ABUSE THE PRIVILEGE OF DRIVING MY CAR.

NO, SON, I AM AFRAID

THAT I JUDGED A
BOOK BY ITS COVER.

AND IF THERE WAS EVER
ANYBODY IN THIS WORLD

WHO SHOULDN'T BE JUDGED
BY APPEARANCES, IT'S YOU.

NOW, THIS IS ONLY A
SYMBOLIC GESTURE,

BUT I WOULD LIKE YOU

TO HAVE THE SPARE
SET OF KEYS TO THE CAR.

Mother: I'LL GET IT.

NO, DON'T, DAD, THAT
ISN'T NECESSARY.

- YES, IT IS.
- Katherine: DAVID,
IT'S THE HOSPITAL.

OH.

Howser: HELLO?

START AN I.V. WITH
DEXTROSE AND SALINE

AND KEEP HIM N.P.O.

PUT AN NG2 BY THE BEDSIDE,
I'LL BE THERE IN 15 MINUTES.

SON, YOU HAVE EARNED THESE.

BECAUSE YOU'VE EARNED
MY FAITH AND MY TRUST.

I ADMIT I'M A LITTLE
EMBARRASSED...

THAT I DIDN'T
REALIZE THIS BEFORE

AND I HOPE THIS WILL
MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

TELL YOUR MOTHER I HAD
TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

YOU CALLED ME. WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- DO YOU WANNA COME IN?
- I'M NOT SURE.

I'M GONNA GO TO THE BANK FIRST
THING TOMORROW AND GET YOUR MONEY.

YEAH, YOU'RE GOOD FOR IT.

I DON'T SEE ANY BRUISES. I
GUESS YOU GOT AWAY WITH IT.

YEAH.

MY FATHER EVEN GAVE ME THE
SPARE SET OF KEYS TO THE BMW.

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

GRIFFIN DESERTED ME...

IN A SECOND.

AND EVEN THOUGH I DIDN'T
BRING YOU TO THE PARTY,

YOU SAVED MY BUTT TONIGHT.

I AM A GREAT GUY.

LET'S TAKE YOUR DAD'S
CAR FOR A SPIN TOMORROW.

- I CAN'T.
- YOU CAN.

NO, I FEEL TOO GUILTY. I'M NOT SURE
I'LL EVER BE ABLE TO DRIVE IT AGAIN.

Both: NAH.

I GOTTA GO.

- WELCOME BACK.
- IT'S NICE TO BE BACK.