Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Scarlet Neighbor... - full transcript

ever since I moved
to new york,

I've made an effort
to be friendly...

Hello, sir.

It's like we're dancing.

Move or I'll kick you
in the clam!

But lately it's feeling
a little one-sided.

New yorkers always seem
to be in a rush.

They never even stop
to get to know their neighbors.

Oh, hi, I'm June.
I don't think that we've met--

Have a good day!

Perfect. A captive audience
for my indiana charm.



Building, meet June.

Oh. Cookies. Fun.

Is it a coworker's birthday?

I'm bringing them
to the tenants meeting.

I want to meet our neighbors.

Back in indiana,
I was the best neighbor.

I used to feed people's cats
and water plants, get mail.

Oh, so you were my grandma.

Turn down the judgment,
judge juney.

I am also going
to the tenants meeting.

Really?
I saw a new family moved in

And I want to introduce myself.
I know how to be nice.

Oh. I guess it's always
gonna be flour with you.

So the stoop handrails
will be painted on Tuesday.



A reminder--
we do encourage doormats.

And the building trip to atlanta
has been canceled

Due to lack of funds,
not lack of interest.

No!

Okay, next order

Of the tenants association
business

Is to welcome our new tenants,
the pizzoli family.

Hi.

Chloe ? Uh, you don't...

Come to these things.
What--wh--wh-what's going on?

Hi ! My name is June,
and I'm new here.

I'm so excited.

Where's the new family?

Hi there. I'm chloe.
I live in apartment 23.

How old are you? 16? 17?

17 1/2.

Okay, well, um,
according to megan's law,

I'm required to tell
all families with a minor

That I live
within a 500-foot radius

And I'm a registered
sex offender.

what?

'sup?

I'm tony p., but my friends
call me nut-nut.

Anthony, no!

♪ I'm not perfect,
I'm no snitch ♪

♪ but I can tell you

♪ she's a...

I mean, technically,

Yes, I had sex
with an underage boy.

I was 18.

He was 17.

It was sweet.
We held hands and passed notes,

Then we had sex in the back
of his dad's delivery truck.

Anyway, his parents hated me,

So they prosecuted
to the full extent of the law.

It's no big deal.

No big deal?

What about anthony pizzoli?

Who?

Nut-nut!
The 17 year old down the hall!

I'm not into younger guys.

Curfews, body sprays,
doodles of fighter jets...

now the neighbors hate
us. The neighbors hate us now.

You know who I hate?

Single moms. They make
such a big deal about it.

Chloe was 2 1/2 months older
than that boy.

She should have known
that it was inappropriate.

You're acting very weird.
Are you drunk?

On freedom!

Jennifer and I broke up!

She finally dumped me!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Don't be. I feel great.
I'm free of all the rules.

Notice anything different
about me?

I grew in my burns.
Jennifer hated hair.

She also banned reggae music,
fantasy football, and tank tops,

But no more!

Hello, shoulders.

It's been a while since
you've been out in the world.

We have
a half-black president now.

I think he's doing a great job
despite a very hostile congress.

You're fun.

Jennifer was not fun.

Oh, you're invited
to the brunch I'm throwing.

Brunch? That's
your first single guy move?

Not strippers or golf?

Jennifer always made me spend
sundays hiking with her cats.

But this Sunday,
there are no rules!

You can have a mimosa
or a coffee,

Watch the game
or read the paper.

As long as you don't have to
put sunscreen on a cat,

It's all good.

I'm going to bed.

Can you at least hold off
on the sex noises

Until I get my earplugs in?

Oh, you can't go in your room.

No, it's all good.
We're done.

What? In my room?

Good night out.

Oh, f.Y.I.--I wore your
pajama pants for a while.

Jonathan, it's your
girlfriend! Remember me?

I know you're in there
with that whore!

Who's jonathan?

Oh, well, I'm really bad with
names, so it's not my fault.

Chloe, this guy has
a girlfriend.

So someone told me he's only
with her because she's bipolar.

Yeah, I told you that.

Don't worry about it.
I'll fix it.

I'm just gonna flash them
the beek.

Hi.

Who the hell are you?

Bye.

god knows
what goes on in there.

look at those two sluts.
I can't believe them.

Of course miss megan's law
and her roommate are whores.

It's like a dutch brothel
in there.

I'm going in.

Anthony, no!

Our neighbors hate me
because of you!

I am a slut by association.

Are you even aware
of your behavior?

I mean, have you ever in your
life dated an appropriate guy?

♪

Look, I can't help it.

I have always been drawn
to inappropriate men.

It's so fun though.
I'm having a great time.

Oh, really? You think so?

Come on with me.

What--what are you doing?

I'm giving you my hand,
ghost of christmas future-style.

Now come on.
Just take it.

It's okay.
I'll just follow you.

Fine. Just follow me.

Where are we?
I can barely see.

A cougar bar
called saddlebags.

Are those...

Yes, they are.

I can no longer
get pregnant.

I can no longer
get pregnant.

my c-section scars
have faded completely.

I've had my I.U.D. In
for 34 years.

I was an alternate
on the 1976 u.S. Swim team.

See how well
I sucked that down?

Take a good, hard look,

Because if you don't change
your ways...

Hey! You got change
for the condom machine?

This will be your future.

No. No.

These women are
nothing like me.

I'm young and hot
and amazing.

Oh, you don't think
they were once, too?

Two words--

Janice dickinson.

change
for the condom machine?

I don't want this
to be my future, June!

Please help me!

Absolutely.

change!

close that door!

They don't like the daylight
because you can see

How their lip liner bleeds
into their mouth wrinkles.

+

You are going to love
the farmer's market.

It's where I learned
what kale was.

Oh, it seems like
so long ago.

Day drinks.

I just downloaded an app
that tracks bar patios

According to the angle
of the sun,

So we have about 45 minutes
before shade hits white horse.

Can't. June is
taking me to a farm

To meet nice guys.

I have to tweet this plow joke
I just thought of

And then I'm ready.

Wait. What's going on here?

Chloe is going to meet
an appropriate guy

And settle down,

And she's gonna start going
to sleep when it's dark outside

And paying her bills on time,

And my mailbox
will no longer read

"June colberningsensation."

My last name is colbern.

Chloe with an appropriate guy?

Ha!
That's not gonna happen.

Listen, you can lead
a horse to water,

But you can't make her date
some clean-cut doctor

From connecticut
who plays tennis and has--

Stop.
You're making June climax.

There's nothing wrong
with a nice guy

With white shorts
and hair like a ken doll.

Tell me this
isn't happening.

You're great
the way you are.

You're the best wingman
I've ever had.

James, this isn't about you.
This is about me,

Like everything.

Well, why are you doing this?

You know she's the one who wrote
that on your mailbox, right?

This is a coincidence.
I'm not with them.

Are those mai tais
and tiki torches?

Oh, my god. You guys are
having a luau on the roof,

And we weren't invited.

What are you,
a slut and a detective?

Hey, get a load
of the slut detective.

You like prosciutto
e mozzarella?

Anthony, no!

That's okay. It's fine.

We will be coming to your next
party because I am fixing her.

We will go
christmas caroling together.

♪ hark! How the bells,
sweet silver bells ♪

♪ all seem to say, throw--

and two more!

That hat right there means
he belongs to a yacht club.

Or he's bald
and understands ebay.

Sorry. I'm trying.
It's just so soul-sucking.

Come on. Just smile.
How about this pear guy?

Let's listen to what he has
to say. He might surprise you.

Okay.

These were driven in
from virginia this morning.

Ripened on the tree,
of course.

We specialize in asian pears.

This is a shinsui...

I have
an unimpressive penis.

We'll have sex once a week
in the missionary position

And then spoon
until I have to pee.

And this is a daisu li--

Crisp, slightly tart,

With a nutty finish.

Okay. (giggles)

Chl-chloe!

Chloe!

Not him! He sells glow sticks
from his bike!

At least put on a helmet!

He will!

Oh, look who's here.

What is that?
Is that your vitamin?

Mnh. Vitamin c
for "careless."

Look, I know
I screwed up yesterday,

But I want to start over.

Okay.

But we have to start
all the way at square one.

First, you need to learn
what an appropriate guy is.

Okay, he is single,

He has a job,

He is emotionally
and physically available--

He has all his limbs.
No, he doesn't have to
have all of his limbs.

Oh.
Just as long as he doesn't blame
the world for losing them.

Oh, you guys talking
about limbs?

Just working on getting mine
in tip-top shape.

Yeah, jennifer hated muscles
on a man.

She said they made me
look like angela bassett.

Ah, chloe. Your stupid
experience done yet?

'cause I need you
to go to a party with me.

I tried luther as my wingman
last night. Did not work.

Those earrings are terrible.

Don't look at me.
I didn't make 'em.

I'm sorry.
She can't go out tonight.

She and I are
gonna sit at home

And set up
her online dating profile.

We are?

Wow. That sounds like a really
productive use of your time.

That's what we do.

Do you have any photos

Where you're not cupping
your breasts?

Ew. No. Why?

I'll go get my camera.

Hey.
I need to borrow a mixer.

I'm making biscuits
for my brunch.

Borrow? You can just have it.
It's June's anyway,

So I'll get it for you.

thanks.

Oh. I think someone
just winked at me.

Can you blame 'em?

Huh. I thought
we were out of whiskey.

Angela bassett played
tina turner in the movie.

That's what's happening here.

Want me to fight angela me?
'cause I will.

Mark, I've never seen
this side of you before.

You've never seen
a lot of things.

Holy crap.

June!

What's happening here?

My window got stuck,

And since everyone
in the building hates us,

The landlord refuses
to fix it.

I like to keep crackers
next to my bed

Just in case I wake up queasy.

Who cares? Guess what.

I finally like
an appropriate guy.

Mark!
I'm totally attracted to mark.

Wait. Mark? My mark?

But you didn't know his name
yesterday.

I know. But I just had
a sex dream about him.

Sex dreams never lie.

Well, I mean, I-I guess--
I guess that could work.

I mean, he meets
all the criteria.

He's cute, he's kind,
he has a job.

I know. Don't eat that.
Pigeons walked on that.

He's great, right?
You did it.

No, we did it.

We did it. Yay!
Yay!

Well, I'm gonna go take him
down to pound town. Ah!

No! Baby steps.
No!

+

Okay, so we have
to tread carefully

Because mark's my boss
and you're my roommate,

And things could get
a little messy.

Right. But just for you,
so it's okay.

Okay, chloe,
enough of this nonsense.

Luther is not working out
as my wingman.

*

Hey, girl.

You like my friend
over there?

James van der beek.

he likes you, too.

but I don't.

He is a guest judge on
"project runway" in the morning.

He needs his beauty sleep or his
face will be as big as a plate.

So get your purse
and click-clack on out of here.

Click-clack. Click-clack.

Sorry, james,
chloe has changed.

She finally likes
an appropriate guy.

Mark, the guy with the big hair
from June's work.

No way.
I don't buy it.

If she likes him, there's gotta
be something wrong with him.

We just don't know
what it is yet.

She only likes
inappropriate guys.

Not anymore.

And we're going
to see mark now

And chloe's going
to interact with him

In a polite
and nonsexual manner.

Whatever that means!

Hi there.

You must be mark.

I'm chloe. Nice to meet you.

yeah, we've met,
like, 30 times.

So, mark,
you secretly married? Kids?

You ever kill a man
outside of combat?

James, not now.
I'm in a crisis, okay?

My friend martin and his wife
just canceled on me for brunch.

Now I'm down to four people.

I mean, that's not brunch.

That's barely
a casual breakfast.

It's a waste
of everyone's time.

Ooh! Mark, chloe can come.

Yeah, I'll come, too.

I look forward to meeting
your gay lover whose name is...

All right.
Uh, back up to six!

couldn't keep brunch
down for long. Brunch!

chloe.

chloe,
this is perfect.

You can tell mark you like him
at a daytime chaperoned meal.

Oh, god. This is such hard work.
When does the fun start?

When you get a ring
on your finger, miss thing.

What?
I swung too far.

Welcome, brunchers.

Come on in. Okay, we got kyle
at the juice station,

That's tim watching football
on mute

While he's listening to jazz.

The audio doesn't even match
the visual and it's okay.

It's brunch!

Hey. We're not late, are we?

"we"?

Yeah, I just went

And picked up anthony
from karate class.

Oh, okay.

It's, uh, supposed to be
brunch for just six,

But sure. Whatever.
You're famous.

Chloe, you remember anthony,
right?

Look at him all sweaty
in his karate gi.

Smooth and hairless.

Ah! You know, I finished every
wii game I've ever started.

Yellow belt, huh? Weak.

So I realized the old woman
I'd been partying with all night

Was really paul mccartney.

so did you tell him

The green beans had been
in your purse?

Of course not.
My skirt was already ripped.

You know,
anthony likes the beatles.

He can sing
"norwegian wood."

How come everyone else
has real silverware?

'cause I had
place settings...

For six...

Anthony.

time to let him
know that you're interested.

Tell him you want
to see his apartment

And get some one-on-one time.

Okay.

So, mark, this is
a really nice room.

Are there any other nice rooms
that I could see?

Yeah, sure. Um, the eggs are
in the warming tray,

The grapefruit's been sugared.
Let's do it.

I don't believe it.

Hot 17-year-old dude in a gi.
Nothing.

Well, congratulations, June.

I've lost her.

Hmm.

Can I have another juice?

No. You've had three already.

So this is me in high school,

And that is
actually this shirt.

Are those crackers?

Yeah, I keep them there
in case I get queasy.

It was June's idea.
She's really smart.

See, I have these weird dreams
where I'm on a roller coaster...

I like June.
I really like June.

I don't know it yet,
but I like June.

We're friends and June probably
doesn't like me,

So that's what's keeping me
from seeing it.

But yeah, June.

That's why I was
attracted to you.

What?
You're emotionally unavailable.

You are
an inappropriate guy.

But just because

I have a deep urge to sleep
with you doesn't mean I have to.

Nope. I'm walking away.

I guess I have changed.

sometimes
you throw brunch,

And sometimes brunch throws you.

Oh, james.

Stop pouting.

You're just upset because
you lost your wingman,

But this is gonna be better
for chloe.

Better for chloe
or for you?

You just don't want
your neighbors

To think you're a slut.
Why do you care so much anyway?

Do you even like them?

No.

But you like chloe?
Yeah.

Yeah, 'cause she's spontaneous
and charming.

And fun and unpredictable.

So why are you trying
to change her?

I should've bought
more croissants.

I mean, I stood there
at the grocery store,

I had them in my hand,
and I choked.

I choked.

Wait.

If mark is here, then who--

Anthony, no!

Who are you, my ma?

Oh, thank god.

Wait. Then who's in there?

'sup, chickens?

Arigato. Hey!

Yes! Sex with a stranger
in another dude's bedroom!

Welcome back!
I missed you so much.

I couldn't do it.
I couldn't marry a farmer.

Where are my eggs?

What's go--who was that?

Um, tim?
This brunch made me realize

That I still like
inappropriate guys.

So it's not gonna work out
with mark. I hope it's okay.

It is okay. I am so sorry
for trying to change you

And make you into something
that you're not.

Oh, my god.
I love you, too.

Can't wait to see you.
Love you 1,000%.

Guess what.

Jennifer and I are
back together!

That's great. Just don't
let her change you.

I won't.

Okay, everybody out.

I need to shave
and put on some sleeves.

Uh, we're gonna see
if we can squeeze in a hike.

Cats can't walk themselves.

So let's go, bruce lee.

Come on. Let's go.

Well,
I guess it's for the best

That it didn't work out
with you and mark.

It just wasn't meant to be.

Yeah, and I got the sense

That he had a thing
for somebody else.

Okay. Let's go.

I need you to come
to a party with me right now.

I was supposed to go with
luther, but he's killing me.

I know you think
you're pretty,

But you're sean astin pretty,
not van der beek pretty.

+

All right. Sorry, luther.

My wingman is back.

I'm tapping you out.

But we're making progress.

I found you a fixer-upper.

I'm circling her problem areas.

She's gonna go work on them
and come back.

Luther,
this girl is beautiful.

See what I'm talking about?
Nothing pleases him.

Excuse me for striving
for perfection...

For you.

Luther, I'm--that's--
that's not...

for you, james!
For you!