Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 2, Episode 7 - A Weekend in the Hamptons... - full transcript
After his dancing with the Stars debacle, James needs a distraction. He decides against joining Chloe on the annual Hamptons surprise party of the year, thrown by the elusive Willoughby, who accidentally bumps into June and is taken with her, but she only cares for a Wall Street job application. James bumps into Eli, who just broke up with his rich girlfriend, so they drown their troubles in alcohol, faithfully chaperoned by Luther and Robin. James ends up dancing off his frustration.
It's an emergency!
We have to evacuate!
What?
Hurry! Get your stuff
and meet me downstairs!
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
We're under attack.
We're under attack.
This is what
the disaster kit is for.
Hurry!
Okay! Okay.
The bras, mom. Dad.
I should've bought a drill!
Hurry! Go! Go! Go!
Where is our emergency
rendez-vous point?!
What is the mayor saying?!
Kidding. We're going
to the Hamptons.
What?
Whoo!
♪ I'm not
perfect, I'm no snitch ♪
♪ but I can tell you ♪
♪ she's a... ♪
♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪
♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪
I thought we were under attack.
I flushed my diary
down the toilet.
I know you would've never agreed
to come unless I tricked you.
You haven't even left
the apartment in days.
You've just been waiting
by the phone
For some dumb guy you like
to call you back.
I am waiting to hear back
about a job interview
At Harkin Financial.
The C.E.O. Is in town
from London,
And I'm waiting to hear
if he wants to meet with me.
Well, whoever it is, I hope
you let them touch your boob.
Why are you wrapped in tinfoil?
Chloe, I can't go
to the Hamptons
With you this weekend.
My whole plan was
to stare at my cell phone
And reread old report cards
to calm my nerves.
June, that is the beauty
of cell phones.
You can take them with you
and stare at them anywhere.
James needs us.
He's so depressed
From his flameout
on "Dancing with the Stars,"
Not to mention being the butt
of every Jimmy Kimmel joke.
So we are taking him
on a weekend bender.
I've never seen him like this.
He stopped googling himself.
Well, I guess I could go.
I'll have my cell phone with me
the whole time,
And if I need to come back,
it's only a 2-hour drive.
Give or take.
Depending on whether or not
Billy Joel's ass is on the road.
I've always wanted to go to
a real life Hamptons lighthouse,
In rainy weather,
In a fisherman's sweater,
On a bike,
With a sandwich
and my thoughts.
I almost just hit you.
I almost just lost control
and hit you.
Okay, so it's settled.
We'll get drunk on the drive up,
And then we'll stay at our
crazy friend Katarina's house
And then we'll hit
the Willoughby party.
The what?
The Willoughby party.
It's the best party
of the year.
It's hosted by this mysterious
guy named Willoughby.
I've never actually met him,
but his parties are beyond.
♪ never, never, never ♪
♪ am sorry for partying ♪
♪ I want to party
but I won't say that ♪
♪ baby, I'm never,
I'm never, I'm never ♪
Whoo!
This is the year
I'm gonna meet Willoughby...
Well, it's always nice
to meet the host.
And have sex with him.
Of course.
Yeah, you know, this year,
I was thinking, I really want
to do something special,
You know,
something that matters.
James is about to come down.
Don't treat him any differently,
but don't look directly at him.
Compliment his outfit,
but not too much, or he'll know.
They hate my hat.
That hat was given to you
by Mr. Jason Mraz.
Let them hate it.
They lose.
He knew.
♪ I got my love
right now ♪
♪ put your hands in the sky
right now ♪
Weekend bender! Whoo!
So where'd you get this car?
My cousin edgar has
a limo business,
And this is one
of his party S.U.V.S.
I borrowed it
So that chloe would let me
come to the Hamptons.
oh, my gosh! It's from a 2-1-2
number that I don't recognize.
It's probably about
my job interview.
Hello.
This is June Colbern.
Scrotum!
funny, right?
That's an important call.
Sorry. That was from
a very immature passerby.
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, hello, Debbie
from Dr. Curtis' office.
Another 64-calorie,
low carb beer.
That's what my blinker's for,
dumb-ass!
Whoo! Yahoo!
Weekend bender!
bye, goats.
Did you guys see me
milk that goat?
June, this is supposed to be
a party drive.
When you said you wanted
to milk a goat,
I thought you had to pee.
If I'm gonna do the Hamptons,
I am going to do
the Hamptons right.
I made a list of everything
I want to see and sample
While we're here.
You're not supposed to have
a list on a bender.
You're supposed to go
where the moment takes you.
Now if "Little House
on the Prairie" is done,
We can get on with it.
Bender.
♪ yeah, yeah,
I know I'm pretty ♪
♪ you can tell by my ♪
great peaches.
That farmer says
that the barefoot contessa
Shops there
every other Tuesday.
when I tell Katarina
why we're late,
You just wait, ho.
You just wait.
I need another beer.
♪ I guess
I'm picky with love ♪
excuse me, miss.
Is this my house?
It's "Dancing with the Stars"
post-traumatic stress disorder.
D.W.T.S.P.T.S.D.
Well, June, you ruined
the drive up here
With your stupid fruit
and vegetable parade,
But now the bender
really begins.
What we need is
a dose of crazy Katarina!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Ha! Ha!
Bitch!
Come on out, you bitch!
oh, thank god you're here.
Take one.
This one's ass exploded.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
+
There will be
no Willoughby party
For me this year, you guys.
I'm still dealing
with my two...
Souvenirs...
shh!
From last year's naked party.
Well, if I had known,
I wouldn't have stayed here.
When you said you had new twins,
I thought you meant a boob job.
I need adult interaction.
I haven't showered in four days.
I'm a milk monster.
Look at my roots!
No! The babies!
Oh. Ooh.
It's a private caller.
Oh.
This might be it. Hello?
Scrotum!
Oh. Hi, aunt Nancy.
You know, you really should stop
calling from a blocked number.
Do we go in
or do we just wait out here?
What's the étiquette?
I love rocking chairs.
I have two in my apartment...
One in the living room
And one in the bathroom.
You wouldn't think it would
get much use in there,
But it does.
Mm.
It smells like poo
in this house.
Well, why don't
we just yell "cut"
And have them
take the babies away? Cut.
Katarina, would you mind
if I borrowed your bicycle?
I'd love to go bird-watching.
Help yourself...
To the bike and anything else
I used to enjoy.
Yeah! Bender!
no!
Okay. So you're going to need
this map,
Binoculars, a whistle,
Sunscreen,
a mosquito netting...
I don't need mosquito netting.
I'm just going bird-watching.
Ah. Okay. Um...
West Nile.
What?
Oh, nothing. Just asking
if you want to die.
June?
Mark! Hey!
What are you doing here?
Jennifer wanted a romantic
weekend in the Hamptons
So we borrowed
her parents' house.
We're sleeping in their bed.
It's not weird at all.
Oh.
What are you doing here?
Aren't you waiting
to hear about that job?
Oh, yeah, well, I have
my phone with me, so...
Oh. I better hurry.
Jennifer doesn't like
when I shop mom and pop.
She thinks the food gets dusty.
So see ya.
Okay.
Great capris.
Excuse... Me?
Look at me... a bow tie.
I'm full of regret
and self-loathing,
But you, you're so bold.
You're ahead of the curve.
Or I'm just wearing pajamas
and a sweater that I borrowed.
Presto. Instant success.
Willoughby,
currently of East Hampton.
Wait. You're
willoughby the party guy?
You're judging me,
and it stings,
So keep doing it.
This is a riddle invitation
for my party tonight.
What do you think of the font?
You would've picked
a different one.
How do you do it?
I guess we're all just one
small hole in the condom away
From having our lives
totally destroyed.
Chloe, I got some pretty serious
soul searching to do.
I think I'm gonna have
to take this bender solo.
You gotta follow the bender.
I understand.
If you need me, I'll be trudging
down a quiet hamptons road...
Alone.
Wake up, bitch.
I just worry about your arches
in those shoes.
perfect.
So I just met Willoughby.
What?
Oh, my god!
A Willoughby riddle.
"on this day occurred
a love massacre,
"when the clock struck
a manic gay actor
Who does not like
to work subtle."
It's his new address
or something.
the Valentine's day
massacre was February 14th.
Everyone knows that.
I'm instantly picturing
a grandfather clock. Oh!
Who is that actor who I thought
was claymation?
Oh! Oh! Oh! Nathan Lane!
Oh.
That's it!
214 grandfather Lane.
That's it. That's the address
of the party. We're so going.
Oh, I'm sorry. I can't.
I have to get up super early.
I'm going to get, uh,
scones at Maude's.
They run out of the blue...
My list!
June, you have to go
where the bender takes you,
And I am telling you,
your bender is
Taking you
to willoughby's party,
Where you will introduce me
to Willoughby,
And I will meet him
and I will bang him.
Well, what if my bender was
taking me
To do a sunset tour
of the cranberry bogs?
Ugh! You are
the worst bender-er ever.
You might as well
have just stayed home
And stared at your phone
on the coffee table.
no one's called
since aunt Nancy.
Exactly. So relax.
Come on.
There is a fabulous party
with our names on it.
I'm sure you could borrow
something to wear of Katarina's.
I know.
Something with a crotch.
Chloe asked me
to look after James.
She deputized me...
With her eyes,
not with her words.
Yeah! Pass me!
Look at you go!
You're an asian-american
driving poorly,
And I'm an african-american
sitting in the back of the bus,
Both chasing
A distant white man.
This is not why my mother
marched on Washington.
Oh, sweet freedom,
where is James?
Coffee guy?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Well, I heard
a-a high-pitched squeak.
I thought a little girl
was in trouble.
It was my girlfriend Jennifer.
She broke up with me again,
this time for good.
She thought I was gonna
propose to her this weekend,
So she kept looking
for an engagement ring
In everything I handed her.
She tore apart a pinecone
with her bare hands.
James!
James!
I see you're on a bender.
I, too, am trying
to drink my pain away.
I thought I wanted to do
the lonely bender,
But the quiet
just makes it worse.
James!
My lonely road
has brought me to you.
I think we're supposed to be
bender buddies.
I have cookies!
Excuse me. Pollen.
♪ oh ♪
God, put that pie away.
What is the matter with you?
It's my host gift.
Every time you try
To slap it out of my hands,
it only makes me grip it harder.
Okay, where's Willoughby?
I want to find him
And sex him
and then have a martini.
Oh, I just had
one of those moments
Where I realize
what a great girl I am.
Wow! This house is amazing!
And I love this dress
of Katarina's.
It's tight, but I get it.
It even has a cool phone pocket.
Oh, my god!
Katarina's pill pocket!
A lot of good times
in that pocket.
A lot of memories.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
There's no bars.
There's no signal.
Katarina should've used
that pocket
For some birth control pills.
Ha ha ha ha! That's hilarious!
I'm gonna text her that
right now.
Boo.
Willoughby.
'tis I, June.
'tis Willoughby.
What are you doing up here?
I actually hate parties.
I just like
to find a dark corner
And watch all the puppets dance
from afar.
Is that a pie?
Oh. Yes!
This is for you.
You know how many people
have been to my parties
Over the years?
5,342.
You wanna know how I know that?
It's this antique clicker.
You know how many people have
ever brought me a pie?
Zero.
Go downstairs
and get us two pastry forks.
I've got something important
I need to say.
Excuse me. Can I have
your attention, please?
excuse me!
excuse me.
zing!
I... am Willoughby!
Bernard, what the hell
are you doing?!
You're not Willoughby!
Chloe, what are
you talking about?
That is Willoughby.
No, that's Bernard, my husband.
+
What do you mean
he's your husband?
I mean he's my husband.
We got married
At a wedding party
when I first moved to New York.
Ha ha! This party is awesome!
People are
getting married upstairs.
We should totally get married.
Oh, my god! I thought
you were gay! Okay!
I met him that night
and I haven't seen him since.
Honestly, I thought he was dead.
I saw some news report
About a skinny guy
who got hit by a garbage truck,
And I figured, welp,
I'm a widow now.
Hello, wife.
I still think of you daily.
Bernard, what the hell
are you doing?
You're not Willoughby.
I thought Willoughby was
a cosmopolitan man of mystery.
It's just you?
Exactly. Just me,
Bernard Koppelman,
a former fat teenager
Who still swims
with his t-shirt on.
Thank you, June, for exploding
this prison of my own creation.
I-I have
a-a-a lot of questions,
But right now, I was gonna ask
you, may I borrow your laptop?
I need to access my voicemail
over the internet.
Yeah, I don't have a computer.
They're disgusting.
But I do have a vintage
typewriter collection
In case you want
to compose a sonnet.
Okay.
Oh! You got the sunglasses.
That's a foul.
My bad. I...
Steal.
"Dancing with the Stars" is
haunting me.
You see, I practiced,
I was... I was... I was...
Ready.
I didn't get a chance to do it.
You know what you have?
You have performance
squelchings, brother.
I mean, you're trapped
in a bag with memory cats.
You gotta punch your way
out of it.
I had...
I had a chance to dazzle,
you know?
It got taken away from me.
Who cares, man?
Make your own opportunity,
James.
You want to dance, then dance.
We just gotta find you a floor.
Ow! Dude!
Chloe just texted me
Willoughby's address.
Willoughby has a floor.
Yeah! Yeah!
Whoa!
So close.
So close.
I went up on the roof with
Willoughby
And got a signal.
No messages.
Also, he said that
your marriage wasn't legal.
The priest was some club kid
named Stinklord
Who had a tattoo
of a cross on his neck.
Is everything okay?
Willoughby was one of the last
new experiences I had left,
And it turns out I married him
six years ago.
There are no new mountains
to climb, June.
I've seen it all.
except maybe this.
♪ I guess I'm picky with love ♪
♪ well, baby, I give up,
it's you I choose ♪
♪ and don't keep me waiting ♪
♪ this girl's got things
she needs to do ♪
♪ oh, if I was blind ♪
♪ you'd help me see ♪
♪ help me see ♪
Whoo-hoo!
Uhh!
Yeah! You did it, brah!
I did it, brah.
Where's chloe?
Did she see my dance?
Yeah.
She's right over there.
Chloe?
poor thing.
Where does she go from here?
I mean, when the party girl
has been to every party,
What's next for her?
Good lord, June, you're,
like, obsessed with her.
Where is she going?
She shouldn't be alone.
leave her be, June.
No! She needs her friends.
Chloe!
Chloe!
It's okay!
It's okay!
Hi. I'm having sex.
Give me 15 minutes.
+
Hi!
Chloe,
what... what are you doing?
Oh, every year
when I'm in the Hamptons,
I have sex in the bushes
with Lenny Kravitz.
He texted me earlier.
I don't know why
you keep complaining
About your cell phone service,
'cause mine's fine.
So you're okay
with all of this?
Well, when I was having sex
with Lenny, I was thinking,
I've had sex with him
for five years in a row,
And it's still great.
Just because I've done it before
doesn't mean it's not awesome.
She's a party girl, June.
We lost a lot of good
party girls along the way.
We're not gonna lose this one.
Aah! Don't get all
sentimental on me, James.
Pull yourself together.
You want to show me you care,
Buy me an island.
What's that noise?
oh, that is
a voicemail noise.
That is a voicemail noise.
Oh, no!
It's Harkin Financial.
They want me to come in
for a job interview
First thing tomorrow morning!
Robin, will you take June
back to the city?
Deputized!
Wait. Really?
You're okay with me leaving?
Interrupting the bender?
You gotta go where
the bender takes you, June.
If this is where your bender is
taking you, then so be it.
This job interview is your
Lenny Kravitz. Now go bang it.
Aah! You people hold
yourself together.
It's not like
I'm dying of leukemia.
one day,
I'm gonna tell June
That she's amazing
And pretty
and I want to touch her hair
And I want to kiss her
on her tongue doors.
You mean her mouth?
Oh, yeah.
I couldn't think of the word.
Make your own opportunity.
You tell June how you feel.
I'm gonna write a movie
that I direct and star in.
Let's do it!
Yeah! Future is now!
Now!
Mm.
Oh!
Ohh.
What the hell?
How do you look so fresh?
I'm a celebrity.
Oh, no. Did I say anything
to June last night?
Oh, yeah.
You said a lot
of things to June last night.
I could eat, like, eight
string cheeses in a row.
You ever seen
that movie "rat race"?
It's like this side of my face
but then this side of my face...
Toenails.
Ugh.
I wrote the script last night.
What?
"Dancing with the Stars" is
The greatest thing
to ever happen to me
Because it forced me to
make my own opportunities.
I'm gonna make this movie.
It's called "fingered."
It's a cop drama. Luther
read it, said it's amazing.
it's amazing.
Now don't wash it till Thursday
And don't blow-dry it on high
ever...
Ever again.
Bless you.
Before we leave,
I want to steal
One of P. Diddy's
white lawn jockeys.
I do it every year.
It's tons of fun.
Good afternoon, all.
Say hello to Harkin Financial's
newest junior analyst.
I got the job!
Whoo! Yeah!
yay!
Congratulations, June!
And I got the car washed.
congratulations, Robin.
yay!
Yay.
So why did you come back?
I wanted to celebrate
with my friends,
And I brought everybody scones
from Maude's.
Ooh! Delish!
That'll go perfectly
with my Kahlua and cream.
Ooh!
I made it from
Katarina's breast milk.
It's super smooth.
You just drank milk made
from boobies.
Ew.
We have to evacuate!
What?
Hurry! Get your stuff
and meet me downstairs!
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
We're under attack.
We're under attack.
This is what
the disaster kit is for.
Hurry!
Okay! Okay.
The bras, mom. Dad.
I should've bought a drill!
Hurry! Go! Go! Go!
Where is our emergency
rendez-vous point?!
What is the mayor saying?!
Kidding. We're going
to the Hamptons.
What?
Whoo!
♪ I'm not
perfect, I'm no snitch ♪
♪ but I can tell you ♪
♪ she's a... ♪
♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪
♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪
I thought we were under attack.
I flushed my diary
down the toilet.
I know you would've never agreed
to come unless I tricked you.
You haven't even left
the apartment in days.
You've just been waiting
by the phone
For some dumb guy you like
to call you back.
I am waiting to hear back
about a job interview
At Harkin Financial.
The C.E.O. Is in town
from London,
And I'm waiting to hear
if he wants to meet with me.
Well, whoever it is, I hope
you let them touch your boob.
Why are you wrapped in tinfoil?
Chloe, I can't go
to the Hamptons
With you this weekend.
My whole plan was
to stare at my cell phone
And reread old report cards
to calm my nerves.
June, that is the beauty
of cell phones.
You can take them with you
and stare at them anywhere.
James needs us.
He's so depressed
From his flameout
on "Dancing with the Stars,"
Not to mention being the butt
of every Jimmy Kimmel joke.
So we are taking him
on a weekend bender.
I've never seen him like this.
He stopped googling himself.
Well, I guess I could go.
I'll have my cell phone with me
the whole time,
And if I need to come back,
it's only a 2-hour drive.
Give or take.
Depending on whether or not
Billy Joel's ass is on the road.
I've always wanted to go to
a real life Hamptons lighthouse,
In rainy weather,
In a fisherman's sweater,
On a bike,
With a sandwich
and my thoughts.
I almost just hit you.
I almost just lost control
and hit you.
Okay, so it's settled.
We'll get drunk on the drive up,
And then we'll stay at our
crazy friend Katarina's house
And then we'll hit
the Willoughby party.
The what?
The Willoughby party.
It's the best party
of the year.
It's hosted by this mysterious
guy named Willoughby.
I've never actually met him,
but his parties are beyond.
♪ never, never, never ♪
♪ am sorry for partying ♪
♪ I want to party
but I won't say that ♪
♪ baby, I'm never,
I'm never, I'm never ♪
Whoo!
This is the year
I'm gonna meet Willoughby...
Well, it's always nice
to meet the host.
And have sex with him.
Of course.
Yeah, you know, this year,
I was thinking, I really want
to do something special,
You know,
something that matters.
James is about to come down.
Don't treat him any differently,
but don't look directly at him.
Compliment his outfit,
but not too much, or he'll know.
They hate my hat.
That hat was given to you
by Mr. Jason Mraz.
Let them hate it.
They lose.
He knew.
♪ I got my love
right now ♪
♪ put your hands in the sky
right now ♪
Weekend bender! Whoo!
So where'd you get this car?
My cousin edgar has
a limo business,
And this is one
of his party S.U.V.S.
I borrowed it
So that chloe would let me
come to the Hamptons.
oh, my gosh! It's from a 2-1-2
number that I don't recognize.
It's probably about
my job interview.
Hello.
This is June Colbern.
Scrotum!
funny, right?
That's an important call.
Sorry. That was from
a very immature passerby.
Whoo-hoo!
Oh, hello, Debbie
from Dr. Curtis' office.
Another 64-calorie,
low carb beer.
That's what my blinker's for,
dumb-ass!
Whoo! Yahoo!
Weekend bender!
bye, goats.
Did you guys see me
milk that goat?
June, this is supposed to be
a party drive.
When you said you wanted
to milk a goat,
I thought you had to pee.
If I'm gonna do the Hamptons,
I am going to do
the Hamptons right.
I made a list of everything
I want to see and sample
While we're here.
You're not supposed to have
a list on a bender.
You're supposed to go
where the moment takes you.
Now if "Little House
on the Prairie" is done,
We can get on with it.
Bender.
♪ yeah, yeah,
I know I'm pretty ♪
♪ you can tell by my ♪
great peaches.
That farmer says
that the barefoot contessa
Shops there
every other Tuesday.
when I tell Katarina
why we're late,
You just wait, ho.
You just wait.
I need another beer.
♪ I guess
I'm picky with love ♪
excuse me, miss.
Is this my house?
It's "Dancing with the Stars"
post-traumatic stress disorder.
D.W.T.S.P.T.S.D.
Well, June, you ruined
the drive up here
With your stupid fruit
and vegetable parade,
But now the bender
really begins.
What we need is
a dose of crazy Katarina!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Ha! Ha!
Bitch!
Come on out, you bitch!
oh, thank god you're here.
Take one.
This one's ass exploded.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god.
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
+
There will be
no Willoughby party
For me this year, you guys.
I'm still dealing
with my two...
Souvenirs...
shh!
From last year's naked party.
Well, if I had known,
I wouldn't have stayed here.
When you said you had new twins,
I thought you meant a boob job.
I need adult interaction.
I haven't showered in four days.
I'm a milk monster.
Look at my roots!
No! The babies!
Oh. Ooh.
It's a private caller.
Oh.
This might be it. Hello?
Scrotum!
Oh. Hi, aunt Nancy.
You know, you really should stop
calling from a blocked number.
Do we go in
or do we just wait out here?
What's the étiquette?
I love rocking chairs.
I have two in my apartment...
One in the living room
And one in the bathroom.
You wouldn't think it would
get much use in there,
But it does.
Mm.
It smells like poo
in this house.
Well, why don't
we just yell "cut"
And have them
take the babies away? Cut.
Katarina, would you mind
if I borrowed your bicycle?
I'd love to go bird-watching.
Help yourself...
To the bike and anything else
I used to enjoy.
Yeah! Bender!
no!
Okay. So you're going to need
this map,
Binoculars, a whistle,
Sunscreen,
a mosquito netting...
I don't need mosquito netting.
I'm just going bird-watching.
Ah. Okay. Um...
West Nile.
What?
Oh, nothing. Just asking
if you want to die.
June?
Mark! Hey!
What are you doing here?
Jennifer wanted a romantic
weekend in the Hamptons
So we borrowed
her parents' house.
We're sleeping in their bed.
It's not weird at all.
Oh.
What are you doing here?
Aren't you waiting
to hear about that job?
Oh, yeah, well, I have
my phone with me, so...
Oh. I better hurry.
Jennifer doesn't like
when I shop mom and pop.
She thinks the food gets dusty.
So see ya.
Okay.
Great capris.
Excuse... Me?
Look at me... a bow tie.
I'm full of regret
and self-loathing,
But you, you're so bold.
You're ahead of the curve.
Or I'm just wearing pajamas
and a sweater that I borrowed.
Presto. Instant success.
Willoughby,
currently of East Hampton.
Wait. You're
willoughby the party guy?
You're judging me,
and it stings,
So keep doing it.
This is a riddle invitation
for my party tonight.
What do you think of the font?
You would've picked
a different one.
How do you do it?
I guess we're all just one
small hole in the condom away
From having our lives
totally destroyed.
Chloe, I got some pretty serious
soul searching to do.
I think I'm gonna have
to take this bender solo.
You gotta follow the bender.
I understand.
If you need me, I'll be trudging
down a quiet hamptons road...
Alone.
Wake up, bitch.
I just worry about your arches
in those shoes.
perfect.
So I just met Willoughby.
What?
Oh, my god!
A Willoughby riddle.
"on this day occurred
a love massacre,
"when the clock struck
a manic gay actor
Who does not like
to work subtle."
It's his new address
or something.
the Valentine's day
massacre was February 14th.
Everyone knows that.
I'm instantly picturing
a grandfather clock. Oh!
Who is that actor who I thought
was claymation?
Oh! Oh! Oh! Nathan Lane!
Oh.
That's it!
214 grandfather Lane.
That's it. That's the address
of the party. We're so going.
Oh, I'm sorry. I can't.
I have to get up super early.
I'm going to get, uh,
scones at Maude's.
They run out of the blue...
My list!
June, you have to go
where the bender takes you,
And I am telling you,
your bender is
Taking you
to willoughby's party,
Where you will introduce me
to Willoughby,
And I will meet him
and I will bang him.
Well, what if my bender was
taking me
To do a sunset tour
of the cranberry bogs?
Ugh! You are
the worst bender-er ever.
You might as well
have just stayed home
And stared at your phone
on the coffee table.
no one's called
since aunt Nancy.
Exactly. So relax.
Come on.
There is a fabulous party
with our names on it.
I'm sure you could borrow
something to wear of Katarina's.
I know.
Something with a crotch.
Chloe asked me
to look after James.
She deputized me...
With her eyes,
not with her words.
Yeah! Pass me!
Look at you go!
You're an asian-american
driving poorly,
And I'm an african-american
sitting in the back of the bus,
Both chasing
A distant white man.
This is not why my mother
marched on Washington.
Oh, sweet freedom,
where is James?
Coffee guy?
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Well, I heard
a-a high-pitched squeak.
I thought a little girl
was in trouble.
It was my girlfriend Jennifer.
She broke up with me again,
this time for good.
She thought I was gonna
propose to her this weekend,
So she kept looking
for an engagement ring
In everything I handed her.
She tore apart a pinecone
with her bare hands.
James!
James!
I see you're on a bender.
I, too, am trying
to drink my pain away.
I thought I wanted to do
the lonely bender,
But the quiet
just makes it worse.
James!
My lonely road
has brought me to you.
I think we're supposed to be
bender buddies.
I have cookies!
Excuse me. Pollen.
♪ oh ♪
God, put that pie away.
What is the matter with you?
It's my host gift.
Every time you try
To slap it out of my hands,
it only makes me grip it harder.
Okay, where's Willoughby?
I want to find him
And sex him
and then have a martini.
Oh, I just had
one of those moments
Where I realize
what a great girl I am.
Wow! This house is amazing!
And I love this dress
of Katarina's.
It's tight, but I get it.
It even has a cool phone pocket.
Oh, my god!
Katarina's pill pocket!
A lot of good times
in that pocket.
A lot of memories.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
There's no bars.
There's no signal.
Katarina should've used
that pocket
For some birth control pills.
Ha ha ha ha! That's hilarious!
I'm gonna text her that
right now.
Boo.
Willoughby.
'tis I, June.
'tis Willoughby.
What are you doing up here?
I actually hate parties.
I just like
to find a dark corner
And watch all the puppets dance
from afar.
Is that a pie?
Oh. Yes!
This is for you.
You know how many people
have been to my parties
Over the years?
5,342.
You wanna know how I know that?
It's this antique clicker.
You know how many people have
ever brought me a pie?
Zero.
Go downstairs
and get us two pastry forks.
I've got something important
I need to say.
Excuse me. Can I have
your attention, please?
excuse me!
excuse me.
zing!
I... am Willoughby!
Bernard, what the hell
are you doing?!
You're not Willoughby!
Chloe, what are
you talking about?
That is Willoughby.
No, that's Bernard, my husband.
+
What do you mean
he's your husband?
I mean he's my husband.
We got married
At a wedding party
when I first moved to New York.
Ha ha! This party is awesome!
People are
getting married upstairs.
We should totally get married.
Oh, my god! I thought
you were gay! Okay!
I met him that night
and I haven't seen him since.
Honestly, I thought he was dead.
I saw some news report
About a skinny guy
who got hit by a garbage truck,
And I figured, welp,
I'm a widow now.
Hello, wife.
I still think of you daily.
Bernard, what the hell
are you doing?
You're not Willoughby.
I thought Willoughby was
a cosmopolitan man of mystery.
It's just you?
Exactly. Just me,
Bernard Koppelman,
a former fat teenager
Who still swims
with his t-shirt on.
Thank you, June, for exploding
this prison of my own creation.
I-I have
a-a-a lot of questions,
But right now, I was gonna ask
you, may I borrow your laptop?
I need to access my voicemail
over the internet.
Yeah, I don't have a computer.
They're disgusting.
But I do have a vintage
typewriter collection
In case you want
to compose a sonnet.
Okay.
Oh! You got the sunglasses.
That's a foul.
My bad. I...
Steal.
"Dancing with the Stars" is
haunting me.
You see, I practiced,
I was... I was... I was...
Ready.
I didn't get a chance to do it.
You know what you have?
You have performance
squelchings, brother.
I mean, you're trapped
in a bag with memory cats.
You gotta punch your way
out of it.
I had...
I had a chance to dazzle,
you know?
It got taken away from me.
Who cares, man?
Make your own opportunity,
James.
You want to dance, then dance.
We just gotta find you a floor.
Ow! Dude!
Chloe just texted me
Willoughby's address.
Willoughby has a floor.
Yeah! Yeah!
Whoa!
So close.
So close.
I went up on the roof with
Willoughby
And got a signal.
No messages.
Also, he said that
your marriage wasn't legal.
The priest was some club kid
named Stinklord
Who had a tattoo
of a cross on his neck.
Is everything okay?
Willoughby was one of the last
new experiences I had left,
And it turns out I married him
six years ago.
There are no new mountains
to climb, June.
I've seen it all.
except maybe this.
♪ I guess I'm picky with love ♪
♪ well, baby, I give up,
it's you I choose ♪
♪ and don't keep me waiting ♪
♪ this girl's got things
she needs to do ♪
♪ oh, if I was blind ♪
♪ you'd help me see ♪
♪ help me see ♪
Whoo-hoo!
Uhh!
Yeah! You did it, brah!
I did it, brah.
Where's chloe?
Did she see my dance?
Yeah.
She's right over there.
Chloe?
poor thing.
Where does she go from here?
I mean, when the party girl
has been to every party,
What's next for her?
Good lord, June, you're,
like, obsessed with her.
Where is she going?
She shouldn't be alone.
leave her be, June.
No! She needs her friends.
Chloe!
Chloe!
It's okay!
It's okay!
Hi. I'm having sex.
Give me 15 minutes.
+
Hi!
Chloe,
what... what are you doing?
Oh, every year
when I'm in the Hamptons,
I have sex in the bushes
with Lenny Kravitz.
He texted me earlier.
I don't know why
you keep complaining
About your cell phone service,
'cause mine's fine.
So you're okay
with all of this?
Well, when I was having sex
with Lenny, I was thinking,
I've had sex with him
for five years in a row,
And it's still great.
Just because I've done it before
doesn't mean it's not awesome.
She's a party girl, June.
We lost a lot of good
party girls along the way.
We're not gonna lose this one.
Aah! Don't get all
sentimental on me, James.
Pull yourself together.
You want to show me you care,
Buy me an island.
What's that noise?
oh, that is
a voicemail noise.
That is a voicemail noise.
Oh, no!
It's Harkin Financial.
They want me to come in
for a job interview
First thing tomorrow morning!
Robin, will you take June
back to the city?
Deputized!
Wait. Really?
You're okay with me leaving?
Interrupting the bender?
You gotta go where
the bender takes you, June.
If this is where your bender is
taking you, then so be it.
This job interview is your
Lenny Kravitz. Now go bang it.
Aah! You people hold
yourself together.
It's not like
I'm dying of leukemia.
one day,
I'm gonna tell June
That she's amazing
And pretty
and I want to touch her hair
And I want to kiss her
on her tongue doors.
You mean her mouth?
Oh, yeah.
I couldn't think of the word.
Make your own opportunity.
You tell June how you feel.
I'm gonna write a movie
that I direct and star in.
Let's do it!
Yeah! Future is now!
Now!
Mm.
Oh!
Ohh.
What the hell?
How do you look so fresh?
I'm a celebrity.
Oh, no. Did I say anything
to June last night?
Oh, yeah.
You said a lot
of things to June last night.
I could eat, like, eight
string cheeses in a row.
You ever seen
that movie "rat race"?
It's like this side of my face
but then this side of my face...
Toenails.
Ugh.
I wrote the script last night.
What?
"Dancing with the Stars" is
The greatest thing
to ever happen to me
Because it forced me to
make my own opportunities.
I'm gonna make this movie.
It's called "fingered."
It's a cop drama. Luther
read it, said it's amazing.
it's amazing.
Now don't wash it till Thursday
And don't blow-dry it on high
ever...
Ever again.
Bless you.
Before we leave,
I want to steal
One of P. Diddy's
white lawn jockeys.
I do it every year.
It's tons of fun.
Good afternoon, all.
Say hello to Harkin Financial's
newest junior analyst.
I got the job!
Whoo! Yeah!
yay!
Congratulations, June!
And I got the car washed.
congratulations, Robin.
yay!
Yay.
So why did you come back?
I wanted to celebrate
with my friends,
And I brought everybody scones
from Maude's.
Ooh! Delish!
That'll go perfectly
with my Kahlua and cream.
Ooh!
I made it from
Katarina's breast milk.
It's super smooth.
You just drank milk made
from boobies.
Ew.