Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 2, Episode 3 - Sexy People... - full transcript

Hey, Kevin.

It's June Colburn from apartment 23.

We've... we've met several times.

You can just hand me our mail.

Oh, can I, June Colburn from apartment 23?

Can I just hand you your mail?

I don't know you.

I say "hi" to you every day. (Keys jangle)

I donated money to your walk for diabetes.

I made you butter cookies
in the shape of stamps.

I'm diabetic.



So the walk was a bust?

(Keys jangle)

(Gasps)

My "People" magazine!

(June) This is the last issue

before "People" named their sexiest
man alive. (Elevator bell dings)

Every year, my mom and
I count down the days

until he is revealed.

It's kind of like Christmas,

but with less Jesus and more sexy.

I don't know how they do it,
but "People" never misses.

(Muzak playing)

Junie Depp.

(Muzak playing)



Junezel Washington.

*

Damn damn right, Harry Hamlin.

June! Language!

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

How do they do it? What's their formula?

I... don't... know.

I have every "Sexiest Man Alive" issue

in a binder next to my bed.

Jackman, Ford, Pitt,

Clooney, Law, Damon, Brosnan...

Where's my sexiest binder alive?

Chloe?

June! Look what I made with my hands!

Oh, God, my "peoples"!

Have you ever heard of a vulcanologist?

Jared's a vulcanologist.
That's his actual job.

And usually that would
make him suicidally boring,

but I'm super into volcanoes this week.

And you wanna know the craziest part?

I'm not even juiced right now!

But look what I made! (Squeals)

Damn damn, Hamlin's still got it.

(Katie Hampton) * I'm not
perfect, I'm no snitch *

♪ but I can tell you ♪

(Whispers) * she's a... * (Buzzer)

♪ Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba ♪

Channing tatum? Really?

(Laughs)

It's Sexiest Man Alive, June. Can I finish?

On the planet. Let me finish.

Okay, he has the head of a boy

but the bod of a full-grown man.

His movies have grossed
over a billion dollars.

A billion? So we're
just making up facts now?

Okay, you wanna talk facts?

Okay, fact... Channing is a trained dancer.

Fact... he can do both drama and comedy.

Fact... his face was marinated by angels.

Angels?! Now you're
bringing religion into this?

Is this hummus old?

Special delivery for June Colburn!

Get your morning smoothie here!

Ooh! Peach!

What about Ryan Gosling?

No one is more "Sexiest
Man Alive" cover material

than that guy.

I mean, besides your dad.

Why can't we just have
regular yellow mustard?

Okay, no more "Sexiest Man Alive" talk.

It... it's like a yearly slap
in the face from that magazine.

They won't even consider me,

which is crazy, 'cause I'm sexy.

Right, Connie?

Good-bye. (Internet call chimes)

Why'd she end the call so fast?

She probably had a... a thing... to do.

June?

Look at me, June.

I'm sexy, right?

I mean, I have to be. I'm
on "Dancing with the Stars."

(Slurping) So was Nancy Grace.

What are you saying?

You're not sexy.

I mean, clearly you're handsome.

You have all of the pieces.

They just don't all add up to sexy.

(Scoffs)

Sexy.

Sexy.

Sexy.

Meh.

I'm not sexy... I am not sexy?

Who's sexier than I am?

Gosling, Beckham, Costner, Kanye...

Refuse. I refuse this.

(Pounding on door)

Go on.

Cowell, Wahlberg, DiCaprio, Prince Harry...

Okay. All right. Fine. (Door closes)

Why them and not me?

(Sighs) Because you're the guy
that we want to take us to prom,

to make out with by the creek,

not the guy that's gonna
rip all of our clothes off

and ravish us in the nearest cave.

Oh, but you think Cowell will?

Actually, I could kind of see that.

Besides, it's not just the physical stuff.

It's the little details that
"People" digs up, you know?

(Door closes) Clooney had a quirky pet,

and Tom Cruise overcame dyslexia.

It's... (Sighs) it's the whole package.

I have little details.

I'm right-handed, but left-footed.

It's better that you're not sexy.

Because we're friends now,

and you bring me a smoothie every day.

James is sexy! What are you talking about?

Who cares what some dumb magazine says?

Thank you.

Now if you'll excuse me,

this tiny family's volcanic vacation's

about to take a very tragic turn.

"Some magazine"?

"People" is on the
cutting edge of everything.

You only think those guys are sexy

because "People" magazine
told you to think that.

They could put Fozzie Bear on the cover,

and you would think he was sexy.

Oh, do not be ridiculous, okay?

I would wanna hug him
because he tries so hard,

but I do not think that he is sexy.

June, you are a sheep
just following the herd.

(Imitates goat bleating) Maaa.

It's "baaa."

See? You're a sheep. That was a trap.

You're wrong.

All right, fine.

I'll prove to you once
again that I am right.

Right after I bury these
tiny Italians in lava.

It was their first family vacation, too.

So sad.

(Phone rings)

Ooh. I know I said this last year,

but, ooh-la-la, Jake Gyllenhaal.

Jake Gyllenhaal. (Murmuring)

Sorry I'm late. I had
to stop and get a latte.

Hi. I'm Chloe, your new managing editor,

just transferred from the London office.

It is so good to be back stateside.

London is filthy, and not
in the way you like it.

Where are we on "Sexiest"? Catch me up.

Wait. Who are you?

I'm your boss. Who are you?

Liz. Liz Sporkin.

Hello, Liz. You're fired.

Does anyone else have a question?

What happened to Larry?

Good question. You're fired.

Who wants to make it a trifecta?

Hello? Have I been too subtle?

You're fired. Thank you for
your years of dedication.

Now please leave.

Uh...

Go! (Pounds table)

Um...

Mm.

(Chloe sighs)

Um... do you know what we need?

A fresh start.

Let's think outside the box.

Let's throw the expected out the window.

(Thud, slap)

That's a very clean window.

(Pen cap clicks)

(Squeaking)

(Pen scribbling)

(Tapping)

Why did I draw male genitalia on the board?

Can someone tell me?

Because it's outside of the box?

No. (Pen cap clicks)

Because I felt like it.

(Clatters) Now let's get to work.

(Papers shuffling)

Somebody hang up my coat! (Mutters)

Aah!

(Chloe) Bam.

What is that?

Okay, this is not real.

I had them mock this up down at the office.

I became the managing editor
of "People" magazine today.

(Exhales) Yeah, right. (Magazine thuds)

It's true. I've take over
a bunch of companies before.

Volvo, Dole, Febreze.

You just gotta walk in
like you own the place,

fire the first person
to ask you a question,

fire the second person
to ask you a question,

and then gaze out the window
and draw a peen on the board.

It's the traditional

intimidation-confusion-
submission technique.

What, didn't they teach you that

at state university
business tech college school?

That will be the cover
of "People" magazine's

Sexiest Man Alive 2012.

June, it's real.

It's happening. React.

(Whispers) June Van Der Beek.

(Door slams)

Well, why did you stop
looking at the magazine, June?

This is just the cover.

We're gonna do a whole spread.

James on a horse.

Shirt. No pants.

(Whimpers) Oh, no! There
are no dirty dishes.

I knew you would try to distract yourself

so I threw them all out the window.

Now look at James, June. Look at him!

Admit he's sexy.

Okay, I just got your message.

(Door closes)

Did you really get me the cover?

You know it, baby!

Oh, my God. This... (Laughs)

God, I look amazing.

Is this from our Machu Picchu trip?

Yeah, it was right after we
drank all that old lady's water.

(Laughs)

(Yac-Yan da Biznessman)
* shorty got that what what *

♪ shorty got that good good ♪

♪ shorty got that what what ♪

♪ shorty got that good good ♪

♪ shorty got that what what ♪

♪ shorty got that good good ♪

♪ shorty got that what what ♪ (Laughs)

Do you really want the
cover this way, James?

I mean, don't you wanna...
don't you wanna earn it?

June, if I waited until I earned something,

there's no way I'd have a
beer named after me in Denmark.

(Speaks Danish) ... Van Der Brau?

(Bottle cap fizzes)

(Lion roars)

Ahh!

Van Der Brau! (Laughs)

I got that for James, too.

It was right before I was
excommunicated from Denmark.

That Queen Margrethe does not
understand that no means no.

(Chuckles)

Coming.

They're... they're calling
me. They're calling me.

What's up with her? (Door closes)

(Chuckles) Uh, now that
you're on the cover,

she thinks you're sexy,
but she won't admit it.

I would love to tease her about it,

but I have to set up your
photo shoot and all of that.

Do me a favor and mess with her for me.

I'll see what I can do.

(Door closes)

Who's there?

Oh.

What are you guys doing here?

Oh, I'm just bringing my friend
her morning peach smoothie.

No big deal.

(Gasps)

But what's this? Oh, my goodness.

I've spilled all over my shirt.

I better take my shirt off.

There we go.

Ooh. Now I've spilled
all over my bare chest.

Look at that. I am so messy. (Laughs)

Such a messy boy.

I better take a shower.

After I work up a sweat.

One, two,

three, four,

five, sex,

seven, eight,

nine.

Ahh. Shower.

He just gave me blue tubes.

Breathe, or else you'll get a tummy ache.

Here.

Look at these unflattering
pictures of James.

I've collected them over the years

to help me get through moments like this.

Here he is after too much salt.

Uh, brushing his teeth on the toilet.

Hey. I couldn't find any towels.

All you had was this, uh,

this little teensy-weensy one.

(Exhales)

(Shower running)

My tubes.

Something like this.

Arm over here,

sexy over-the-shoulder thing,

handstand...

one-armed if he's not a pansy.

Well, I just want to say
that it's been a real pleasure

working with all of you on this issue,

except you, Brenda.

Before you go, can you approve
Jenna Elfman for "Chatter"?

Jenna Elfman? Didn't she
just do "Chatter" last year?

Let's get Fran Drescher. I hate her voice,

but I love her point of
view. (Mutters indistinctly)

(Sighs)

What's cooking in "Great ideas"?

"More than one way to skin a catfish"?

(Laughs)

Come on, people!

I want corn salads.

I want summer succotash.

Let's dazzle our readers with mangoes.

Ugh. I guess I just have to do
everything myself. (Purse thuds)

Who's on "Puzzler"?

"Whoopi Blank-berg. Four letters"?

I have no idea. Make it easier.

Who's on "Beauty watch"?

Oh, dear God, Brenda, I hate you.

New idea for the photo shoot.

James' horse tramples and kills Brenda.

(Woman) * ooh, la-la-la *

(Sighs) Corporate wants
us to have a fire drill.

James is just so sexy.

You don't seem to care
about this fire drill.

(Sighs) Oh, God! He's all
I think about all the time!

I can't talk to him, I can't be around him,

I can't even look at him without blushing.

I was on the cover of "Time" once.

Crowd shot while I was
occupying Wall Street.

Pretty sure it was me.

Might have been D.L. Hughley.

I can't tell us apart.

What am I gonna do? He
is my smoothie buddy.

Look, you need to stop thinking of
him as Sexiest Man Alive... (Sighs)

and just start thinking of
him as your friend James.

You're right.

(Slaps sides) He's just James.

Okay... no. Oh, oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

It's just James.

Oh, no. He has got a quirky, adorable pet

like Clooney's pig.

- He's more than just a face!
- (Gasps) Steady.

Ah, hello, June.

Have you met my pet turtle Stephanie?

She prefers butter lettuce
to all other lettuces.

(Gasps) He's even got an earring like Ford.

Easy.

Just, uh, prepping for my S.M.A.Q & A.

Hit me, Luther.

If you were a bird, what kind would you be?

Hawaiian Nene Goose,

because they mate for
life and live in Hawaii.

Oh... I can't imagine anything better.

Neither can I. Oh! God...

- Oh...
- Ahh! Mnh!

Come on, man.

The turtle, the earring,
the romantic answers.

Are you doing all this
just to mess with June?

Yeah, at first I was, but then I realized,

I'm gonna need to become more dimensional

if I'm gonna be the reigning S.M.A.

After this issue comes out, I
won't be able to come in here

without getting mobbed.

(Dramatic orchestral score playing)

(Sighs) Good-bye, it's just beans.

I've enjoyed our time together.

(Inhales) But now I'm like...

(Exhales) New Orleans
before the levees burst.

My fame levee's about to blow.

Grab your ponchos, people.

(Door bells jingle) Bye!

(Sighs)

Pantless handstand on a
horse... not sexy. Now we know.

You were right. (Gasps)

You put James on the cover,
and now I think he's sexy.

I am a sheep. You win.
Okay? Now take it off,

because it's ruining
my friendship with him.

First of all, thank you
for admitting I was right.

Second, I can't take him off.
It's my job to sell magazines.

Your job? You've been
working here for three days.

And I've come in for
every single one of them.

Look, this is about more
than just you now, June.

This is about millions of women

looking to me for guidance
on what to wear, how to cook,

and who to fantasize about
when they fluff the duff.

(Laughing) Shut up, Jonah! Ugh. Ignore him.

(Clenches teeth) He's my cousin.
My mother made me hire him.

This is insane. You don't work here.

No one is looking to you
for guidance on anything!

Is that so?

Strawberry lip balm, a beret, and smints...

that's what's in your purse.

How did you...

I know what's in your purse because we...

me and my magazine... put them there.

We told you those items were hot,

and you went out and bought them.

That's the kind of power we have.

Well, you also have the power
to help out your roommate.

It's true, I do, but I
also have a magazine to run.

Why are you handing me two
of the exact same picture?

Uh, it's for "Second look."
It needs your approval.

(Voice quavers) There are
15 differences between them.

No, there aren't.

Okay, one.

Three. Nine.

15. There are 15 differences.

Okay, good work. This can run.

(Whispers) Oh, thank you. Bye.

James will be on the cover.

I'm sorry if that means your
friendship with him is over.

(Presses buttons)

Who is this?! (Door slams)

She's in my head.

She's in my purse.

You even told you to wear those bracelets.

What?! No, I got these
from a cart at the mall.

Because they were featured in "Style Watch"

on "People's" web site.

Chloe was right. (Sighs) We're just sheep.

I... I think you're missing
the bigger picture, honey.

You have a chance no
Colburn woman has ever had...

a chance to bed a Sexiest Man Alive!

James is my friend. I
don't want to ruin that.

Oh, this is something you
can't just walk away from.

The closest I ever got

was shoving the Nick
Nolte issue down my girdle.

I'm hanging up now.

Stop avoiding James!

Tell him how you feel before it's too late!

Hi, honey.

You know what's not sexy?

Regret.

Drink it all in, Stephanie.

It's all gonna be different after today.

In a way, these are our
last few moments of freedom.

There you are.

D... d... watch out!

D... did you not see the balloon?

Luther thought it would be a
good way to keep tabs on her

after what happened.

(Singsongy) "Varsity
Blues" is on ABC Family!

I repeat... (Crunch)

this is what happens when I love something!

Turns out he just stepped
on some lettuce, thank God.

Could have been Steph.

Listen. I need to tell you something.

Can it wait? The newsstand's about to open.

I want to have sex with you.

June, stop.

I can't! I can't fight it anymore!

Maybe it's just because you're on the cover

of "People" magazine, but I don't care!

I can't stop thinking
about having sex with you.

Let me have sex with you.
I just want to have...

(kisses)

Nothing, right?

Not even a little bit.

Exactly. It's because we're friends...

friends who share smoothies, not smoochies.

Listen, I know I've been
teasing you this week,

but... it's all in fun.

I don't need you to think I'm sexy.

About 45 million other people are about to,

and I need you to be my friend.

(Rattling)

Who the hell is this?!

I'm not on the cover? What happened?

(Gasps)

He's on all of them!

(Panting)

Who did this? (Clatters)

What is going on?

Why is James not on the cover?

Uh, Marjorie must have nixed it.

Marjorie has final say.

Stop saying "Marjorie" like I'm
supposed to know who that is.

You don't know who Marjorie is? Oh, my God!

One more word, and Brenda gets a smackwich.

I don't understand...

Her face is the lunch meat,
my hands are the bread!

Huh?! Ohh... Smackwich!

Now, can anyone give me
clarity on this situation?

They're, uh, talking about Marjorie Meyers.

She's worked for the
magazine since its inception.

She picks the Sexiest Man Alive every year.

I'm Marjorie Meyers,

genius behind "Sexiest Man Alive."

I'm often asked, "what is my secret?"

I merely go with the man

that gets things kicking
in my pants. (Chuckles)

And the old gal hasn't been wrong yet.

Every year the staff gives
their top ten candidates,

and Marjorie ignores them
and goes with her pants.

I was bareback on a horse for seven hours

wearing nothing but a shirt.

Okay, do you know why pants were invented?

To prevent what happened to me.

And you looked great.

Which is why we gave you a spread.

Damn damn, I look good!

I'll take it.

Hi. Remember us?

We're Liz and Peter.

Yeah, so it turns out
that you can't fire us,

because you don't work here.

(Sighs) Finally!

How did it take you five
days to put that together?

Well, we just had our exit interview...

I don't care. I'm exhausted.

I, uh, just want to say

that, um, you guys nailed

the "Sexiest Man Alive" again this year.

And if I'm a sheep, I'm just glad

that you all are my shepherds,

and I'm sure that my mother is...

(Southern accent) shoving this
down her girdle right now...

(Normal voice) as we speak, so thank you.

(Sighs) Well, team,

what can I say?

My job here was fake,

but the work that we did was real... ish.

Brenda, what can I say to you, Brenda?

Where do I even start? (Chuckles)

I know I've been especially hard on you,

but that's just because
I see so much potential.

(Voice breaking) You're
the best boss I ever had.

I didn't want things to end this way,

but all good things, right?

When you speak of me
at the company retreat,

which I still plan on attending,

speak of me well.

I'll see you all in Baja.

(Clicks switch)

Uh, we're still working!

You're fired! (Door slams)

- Can I get a water?
- (Man) Water for James.

Water, please. Thank you.
All right, great. Good job.

Now can you get me one
that's not hot as hellfire?

(Shutter clicking)

Donnie, yeah.

I just saw the horse's
trailer. It's bigger than mine.

And go by star size, not body size.

(Blusters)

Is that secretariat? Oh, it's not?

'Cause the way everyone's fawning over him,

I thought it must be.

Donnie, listen, yeah.

I'm getting tired of this horse.

I want you to send him
a gift basket from me...

season one of "Luck" and a big tub of glue.