Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 2, Episode 1 - A Reunion... - full transcript
After June uses a power point presentation to persuade James to attend a Dawson's Creek reunion show, she finds out that every year Chloe fakes the letters to boost his ego.
When I moved
to Manhattan from Indiana
a few months ago,
I thought of it
as the next step
in my life plan.
I had no idea that
I was gonna move in
with a girl that I met
on Craigslist
who was basically, well,
crazy, in a great way,
and sometimes
a not-so-great way.
It's been hard and fun
and hard,
but what's made it easier
has been
the new friends I've made
along the way,
which is why it's so difficult
to say good-bye to one of them
right now.
I can't believe we're
at James Van Der Beek's funeral.
James Van Der Beek's viking
funeral in Central Park, June.
Don't underdescribe
the awesomeness.
Just how illegal is this?
About as illegal as that
panda fat eye cream you use.
You use panda on your face?
Luther is 76 years old.
Shut... up... bitch.
[ Katie Hampton ]
♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪
♪ but I can tell you ♪
2x01
A Reunion
♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba
Hey, Chloe.
Hey, June.
Oh, hey, June, come here.
Come sit by me.
I need to tell you something.
Come on.
Good. Sit.
Okay, come close.
Your sweater
looks like
a pumpkin mated with a turd.
I thought you were
gonna give me a hug.
Nope.
No.
It came!
Ooh! Read it! Read it!
"Dear, James,
it's that time of the year...
"the anniversary of the series
finale of 'Dawson's Creek.'
"can you believe
it's been almost ten years
"since it went off the air???
"We thought we'd write you again
to see if you'd be interested
"in doing a reunion show.
"As always, we're in if you are.
"Sincerely, Michelle, Katie,
and Josh."
Holy wow!
Oh, let me touch... too bad
it's never gonna happen.
Wait, James.
Why would you do that?
They send me
one of those every year.
Listen, they can get nominated
for all the oscars they want,
you don't put the Beatles back
together without John Lennon.
And I'm Lennon and McCartney,
bitch.
Yeah, you are!
You are a king, James.
King James.
Like the Bible.
Let's go out and celebrate
how awesome you are.
Absolutely. Anything you wanna
do, you just name it.
Bye. Charge less
for your magazine.
Hmm.
Big-ass hat.
Send in tall and skinnies.
June, are you feeling okay?
You're angrily decrumbing
the muffin case.
James won't do
a "Dawson's Creek" reunion.
I could ask that question
a thousand times
and still not believe
that's your answer.
The rest of the cast is in,
but James
won't even consider it.
He likes saying no to them
because it makes him
feel like a big shot.
You seem really upset
about this.
You know, growing up in Indiana,
that show was a religion.
My friends and I...
we were obsessed with it.
Okay, I get it.
Like "Moesha" was for me.
I'm just kidding. I just said
that because I'm black.
I never watched
"Moesha."
Celeste, Tori, Margaret, and I
memorized every episode.
Do you know how awesome
it would be if I called them up
and told them that James was
doing a reunion show?
It's been a while since
I had some good news.
I lost the job that
I moved to New York for,
I broke up with my fiance,
and I'm pretty sure that
my boobs have decreased a cup
size because of all the sadness.
Why won't James do this for me?
June, if it's
that important to you,
talk to him about it.
When you get passionate about
something, you're hard to stop.
Remember your whole thing
against yellow raisins?
Albino abominations of nature!
Hey. Hey.
You convinced me, okay?
I'm convinced.
June, you got crazy eyes.
I love it when the models fall.
They're like giraffes
collapsing in the jungle.
Ooh! Good work, marbles.
846,251
is the number of teenage girls
who watched the finale
of "Dawson's Creek."
I was one of them.
And so was Celeste...
Margaret...
And Tori.
Did these girls die
in a drunk-driving accident
or something?
Is this a memorial/intervention/?
Your show reflected what was
going on in our lives.
When Aaron Demayo broke up
with me in seventh grade,
I thought I was gonna die,
and then I turned on the TV,
and grams got the diagnosis.
Cancer.
She was really going to die.
The way you dealt with that,
your strength...
it gave me strength,
and we got through it,
together.
Rack attack! Rack attack!
Rack attack!
Rack attack! Chloe, please,
June is in the middle
of a makeshift living room
presentation.
Those girls who watched you
on TV...
They're now having
daughters of their own.
One woman...
Becomes two.
Indian.
Woman.
Indian. Woman.
It's the circle of life, James.
Do you really want to break
that circle?
Oh, my God. This is so lame.
It is lame...
Of me for putting this off
for so long.
What?
I can't believe
how selfish I've been.
Crumpling up those letters
every year just 'cause I can.
This is bigger than me.
I-I need to do a reunion
for the fans.
I'm king James, the lion king.
June, what the hell?
Why did you do that?
Why do you care so much whether
or not James has a reunion?
Because the letters he gets
from the cast are fake.
I'm the one
who's been writing them
and sending them
to him every year.
Vindaloo.
You've been writing
fake letters every year?
Yes. See? I even used the same
pen to sign all three names.
I spelled "Holmes" wrong.
I should really try harder.
Why would you do this?
When James gets to turn down
Katie, Michelle, and Josh
every year,
it makes him feel
really powerful,
and on that day, I can ask him
for anything in the world,
and he won't refuse me,
just like don corleone
on the day of his daughter's
wedding in "The Godfather."
There's nothing like tranq-ing
a hot Austrian dude
and hearing the body fall.
Tranq sex... it's consensual.
You are so manipulative
and selfish.
Okay, that's true. I am.
But I'm also doing this
for James.
He shouldn't relive the past by
doing some stupid reunion show.
There's no point
in looking back.
You have to move forward,
like a shark
or a tranq dart.
Just because no one in the cast
has initiated a reunion
doesn't mean
that it is not a good idea.
I am going to make sure
that it happens.
Well, I am going to make sure
that it doesn't.
If we call Michelle first, then
everyone else will get on board.
But we can't call Josh last
'cause I'm pretty sure
he's in love with me.
I think you should call Katie
first. I love her.
I've gone as her
for the past eight halloweens.
No.
June, what are you doing?
Okay.
Making sure Chloe doesn't do
anything sneaky
to try to stop you from
making those phone calls.
She's clever and subtle,
like a cat.
She'll lurk in the shadows
and blend in
with the background,
and then once she's lured you in
to a false sense of security,
she'll quietly just...
No!
My beef isn't with you, Luther.
Thank you.
Oh!
That wasn't for anything.
That was just for fun.
You shot me
in the Booty.
Chloe, what the hell?!
Relax.
It's just tranq darts.
I loaded them with 12 turkeys'
worth of tryptophan.
She'll wake up in a few hours
and feel like she had
nine Thanksgiving dinners.
What are those?
[ Steve Carlisle ] ♪ baby... ♪
- Make it stop. Make it stop.
Shh. Shh. Shh. It's okay.
- Make it stop.
- It's okay. It's over.
♪ Wondered
whatever became of me ♪
Is that the theme
from "WKRP in Cincinnati"?
James and I just spent
the last six hours
watching bad reunion shows...
"Growing Pains, "Dynasty,"
"The Facts of Life Go to Paris."
They were all wearing berets.
- Even Tootie?
- Especially Tootie.
I can't do it, June.
I can't do the reunion.
What? No.
James, Chloe has been...
faking the letters to me every
year? Yeah, I know. She told me.
She saved me from making
the biggest mistake
of my career.
She cares enough to not
let me tarnish my legacy
by doing some terrible reunion
show. That's it. I'm out.
It's over.
I'd like to talk
to the liar in this room.
Can the liar in this room
please come to the door?
Luther would like
to talk to her.
[ Baker Street
by Gerry Rafferty ]
Chloe's right.
It's better to leave the past
in the past.
I'm glad we're not doing
a reunion show.
Celeste, Tori, and Margaret
would've freaked out
if a reunion happened,
but I guess it just
wasn't meant to be.
Well,
if we were going to do
a reunion show,
I did have a couple ideas.
It's probably
better this way.
I was bound to be
disappointed... unless I wasn't.
Unless my mind was
about to be blown.
We could've
used the platform
to address some real issues,
like global warming.
What does
Chloe know anyway?
She doesn't even watch TV.
She just punches it
when she's drunk.
Also everyone
looked bad
in those other reunion shows.
Look at me.
I look great.
My hair is better,
my body's better,
my accent work is better.
Everything's better.
Everything's tighter.
James?
Were you just walking...
and thinking? Yeah.
I think we should do
a "Dawson" reunion.
Just because it hasn't
been done well before
doesn't mean
it can't be done well now.
I-it took not wanting to do it,
then wanting to do it,
then not wanting to do it
to really want it.
I'm calling the cast.
One woman becomes two.
And soon they'll both want
to make love to me.
What's up, Celeste?
Hey, it's June.
I know it's been a while,
and I got off Facebook
because people kept tagging me
in up-angle photos,
but, um, I wanted to call you
and tell you
that I have some amazing news.
That "Dawson's Creek" reunion
that we always talked about?
It's gonna happen.
What?
That show we used to watch?
Celeste, you know that
that is so Jen of you.
Sorry, June,
I'm just really busy.
I'm the undersecretary
of commerce.
I have
three beautiful children.
I moved to Omaha, where I'm
teaching theoretical physics.
I'm in the middle of working
on a bill amending the tax code
for small business owners.
...taking Molly to tennis camp,
teaching the twins
to ride a bike,...
...writing my dissertation
on pulsars...
Are you still living
in that fabulous apartment?
Are you working on wall street?
Did you and Steven
set a date yet?
Steven and I broke up,
I lost my job and my apartment,
and now I work at a coffee shop,
and I live with a girl
who I met on Craigslist
who sells knockoff handbags
from her bedroom window.
I think that my boobs are
actually shrinking
from the sadness.
They're in.
I just to Katie, Josh,
and Michelle,
and they all said
they would love
to do a "Dawson's Creek"
reunion.
What? James, I thought we agreed
that's a bad idea.
It's my agent. Donnie Jarvis.
What's up, hooker?
What's up, wang breath?
Damn it, James, you are
a star. Do you know that?
Do you know you are a star?
So, uh, did Katie, Josh,
and Michelle's deals close?
Yeah, I just spoke
with their agents,
and they're so excited
to do this.
They're just not gonna do it.
Wait. What do you mean, they're
not gonna... they said they were
gonna do it. Now they're saying
they're not gonna do it?
No, they're not saying that.
They will never say that.
So they are gonna do it?
Yeah, in the Hollywood way.
W-what does that mean?
They're not gonna do it.
They're into it 100%.
They're just not gonna do it.
Did they say why?
Yeah. I wrote it down.
"They hate you."
Yeah. They hate you.
Ask him if he can get us
"book of mormon" tickets
on the 20th,
but not the matinee.
Busy, hey.
Thank you for meeting me.
We have to make this quick.
I don't want anyone
to see me with you.
I mean, do you know
what the others would do
if they found out?
I mean, no one's gonna take me
out to a nice fancy restaurant
and order the cherries jubilee.
It's not like they're gonna
take me to Chippendales
and look at some dong with me,
if that's what you're thinking.
Uh, yeah.
Thanks for meeting me.
What do you want, James?
I don't understand
what's going on.
Why does everybody hate me?
I thought we ended the show
on such good terms.
Seriously, you don't know?
No.
You shorted us
for the end-of-the-show gift.
What?
You convinced the cast
to buy rowboats
for the entire crew
because it was Creek-themed,
and then you never paid
your share.
We were stuck with a bill
for 145 boats, James.
I was only on the stupid show
for two seasons.
I barely broke even.
I had to sell my horse Cha-Cha.
All right, that was a total
oversight. I had no idea.
Whatever my share was,
I'd be happy to chip in now.
No, no, no. It's too late
for that, okay?
There's no way you're ever going
to repair those relationships.
That ship has sailed,
as it were.
Yeah.
I-I ordered you some food.
I, uh, I don't really know
what girls eat.
Oh, sweetie, we don't.
We don't eat.
We just live in caves,
having our periods,
until it's time to have sex
with the first guy
who buys us a wine cooler
and reminds us of our dad.
Since it's here,
I mean, mustard, maybe.
Diet soda would be great.
And a to-go box?
All my friends are
doing better than me.
They all hate me.
I thought they were in love
with me.
They don't want
to relive the past.
And why would they? They're
doing great in the present.
I thought for sure
Josh was in love with me.
My life was better
ten years ago.
My life was better
ten years ago.
Oh, my God. Are we
at a blues bar in Chicago?
Are we watching an old lady
run for the bus?
Are we listening
to a cab driver talk about
how he was a dentist
back in Pakistan?
Because you people are
depressing the hell out of me.
What do you want me to say,
Chloe?
I'm not the king anymore.
See this? This is what
I was trying to prevent,
the reason I tell my friends
not to look back.
You have to walk away
from the past in slow-motion
as it explodes behind you
like in a John woo movie.
June, you just had to go
and make that stupid
Powerpoint presentation.
Oh, this is my fault?
Finally, you admit it.
Now get to your room and put on
something I don't hate.
They're autumnal sweaters,
and bite me.
Are we done now?
Can we move on from this?
Yeah, we can move on...
To plan "b"...
Something better.
Something bigger.
I don't need those guys.
It wasn't
"pacey, Jen, and Joey's Creek."
Don't you see?
Doing a reunion is right.
It's right for us,
it's right for the fans,
and it's right for us.
Plus, doing it this way
would be completely unexpected.
Nobody would see it coming.
I don't understand.
Are you shopping?
Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.
Love groceries.
Anyway, "Malcolm in the middle"
meets Dawson.
Right? You do a special reunion
episode of your show,
and I'll be on it.
I'll be in the middle with you.
James, enough.
You're talking nonsense.
How'd you find me here?
I downloaded "Grindr,"
that gay hook-up app,
on your phone.
I can track you at all times.
James, come on.
Let's go home.
You're really
upsetting Frankie.
I'm not upsetting Frankie.
You took my whipped cream.
F-Frankie.
Frankie. Frankie, you're
not understanding, okay?
This could be huge.
It's gonna be amazing.
I got my best guy working
on the script as we speak.
"Interior, white house, day.
"President leery sits
in the oval office.
Malcolm in the middle
approaches, wearing a...
"Tasteful pantsuit.
"Dawson... 'excellent work,
Copresident Malcolm.'
"Malcolm... 'thank you.'"
you have done it again,
Luther Vandross Wilson.
All right, James,
it was... it was nice meeting you.
I'm a fan, but, uh,
I'm throwing a barbecue.
I really need
to get my groceries.
That's perfect!
W-we'll write the barbecue
into the script!
You're feeling neglected 'cause
you... you're in the middle.
I'm feeling so many emotions,
I'm bawling my eyes out.
Hot tears, great food...
Oh.
Nice shot.
It's my grocery list.
It's probably worth something.
Oh.
Hi, James.
How you feeling?
Mark-Paul Gosselaar?
What are you doing here?
I called him.
Ta-da!
I love you.
When I was 10,
I had a Shih Tzu,
and I named it
Dog-Paul Gosselaar.
So did I.
Chloe told me about
your reunion episode.
That's why I'm here...
to tell you,
you need to move on.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't... you don't understand.
Don't I? You think I haven't
cornered Frankie Muniz before?
I accosted him at a zoo.
You smell amazing.
Why are those hippos
always sleeping?
Have you read my book, amigo?
It's all about finding the now.
You see...
I had to call
a time-out on my own self.
Bummed around solvang
for a while in a pedal car.
Really got into Dutch candy.
Well, it's all in the book.
See, you and I both
became famous early on
for an iconic role,
but we can't let that role
define us.
That's why I signed it
specially for you.
"Best. Mark-Paul."
Ta-da!
Dawson Leery
is talking
to Zack Morris.
I am so into this.
I hope they kiss.
...Have
the best years in front of you.
Why am I so into this?
I am a grown woman.
I am not a teenager.
Why?
Why can't I just move on
like the rest of my friends?
Oh, my God.
Screw your friends.
That stay-at-home? Guess what.
Her kids grow up and move out.
The undersecretary of commerce
or whatever?
She gets replaced by
the next administration.
And the third one? I don't
remember what you said she did,
so let's just say
she gets hit by a bus.
The point is, their stories are
already written.
You are sitting
at a fame intervention
next to a hot-ass ho
packing a tranq gun.
Dude, your story is
just starting.
- Thanks.
- You have a great body...
That means a lot to me.
Shut up.
You need to get rid of everything
from your Dawson days.
It's keeping you
from moving forward.
I sold
my Bayside Letterman jacket.
That's how I bought
my horse Cha-Cha.
Oh, God. I love her so much.
You're right.
I-I didn't even realize it
u-until this happened...
how much time and energy I spent
focused on that part of my life.
I need to purge the past.
You'll be amazed
at all the good things
that start to happen.
Cele-bro hug?
Why are you saying that?
That's the title of chapter
seven. Where did you hear that?
I don't know.
I just made it up.
My ghostwriter, Vivian Dante,
made that up.
She also runs my Twitter account
on Sundays when I ride Cha-Cha.
[ Paula Cole ]
♪ I don't wanna wait ♪
♪ for our lives to be over ♪
♪ I want to know ♪
♪ right now
what it will be ♪
Thanks for coming
to my funeral.
Of course, James.
We wouldn't miss it.
Say the word, and I'll sing.
Thank you for helping me
move forward.
And don't worry about
your "godfather" day.
I'll be sure to find other ways
for you to manipulate me
out of my money.
Mm! I hope so, friend.
I'm sorry there's no reunion.
Oh, that's okay.
I don't need one anymore.
Aah!
Aah!
What the hell was that?
Oh, probably just
June's sweaters.
I'm assuming
they're all polyester.
You threw my sweaters in there?
Come on, James.
[ ♪ Killing in the Name ♪
By Rage Against the Machine ]
never look back, James.
Don't worry. I won't.
Some of those sweaters
were expensive.
No, they weren't.
to Manhattan from Indiana
a few months ago,
I thought of it
as the next step
in my life plan.
I had no idea that
I was gonna move in
with a girl that I met
on Craigslist
who was basically, well,
crazy, in a great way,
and sometimes
a not-so-great way.
It's been hard and fun
and hard,
but what's made it easier
has been
the new friends I've made
along the way,
which is why it's so difficult
to say good-bye to one of them
right now.
I can't believe we're
at James Van Der Beek's funeral.
James Van Der Beek's viking
funeral in Central Park, June.
Don't underdescribe
the awesomeness.
Just how illegal is this?
About as illegal as that
panda fat eye cream you use.
You use panda on your face?
Luther is 76 years old.
Shut... up... bitch.
[ Katie Hampton ]
♪ I'm not perfect, I'm no snitch ♪
♪ but I can tell you ♪
2x01
A Reunion
♪ ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba
Hey, Chloe.
Hey, June.
Oh, hey, June, come here.
Come sit by me.
I need to tell you something.
Come on.
Good. Sit.
Okay, come close.
Your sweater
looks like
a pumpkin mated with a turd.
I thought you were
gonna give me a hug.
Nope.
No.
It came!
Ooh! Read it! Read it!
"Dear, James,
it's that time of the year...
"the anniversary of the series
finale of 'Dawson's Creek.'
"can you believe
it's been almost ten years
"since it went off the air???
"We thought we'd write you again
to see if you'd be interested
"in doing a reunion show.
"As always, we're in if you are.
"Sincerely, Michelle, Katie,
and Josh."
Holy wow!
Oh, let me touch... too bad
it's never gonna happen.
Wait, James.
Why would you do that?
They send me
one of those every year.
Listen, they can get nominated
for all the oscars they want,
you don't put the Beatles back
together without John Lennon.
And I'm Lennon and McCartney,
bitch.
Yeah, you are!
You are a king, James.
King James.
Like the Bible.
Let's go out and celebrate
how awesome you are.
Absolutely. Anything you wanna
do, you just name it.
Bye. Charge less
for your magazine.
Hmm.
Big-ass hat.
Send in tall and skinnies.
June, are you feeling okay?
You're angrily decrumbing
the muffin case.
James won't do
a "Dawson's Creek" reunion.
I could ask that question
a thousand times
and still not believe
that's your answer.
The rest of the cast is in,
but James
won't even consider it.
He likes saying no to them
because it makes him
feel like a big shot.
You seem really upset
about this.
You know, growing up in Indiana,
that show was a religion.
My friends and I...
we were obsessed with it.
Okay, I get it.
Like "Moesha" was for me.
I'm just kidding. I just said
that because I'm black.
I never watched
"Moesha."
Celeste, Tori, Margaret, and I
memorized every episode.
Do you know how awesome
it would be if I called them up
and told them that James was
doing a reunion show?
It's been a while since
I had some good news.
I lost the job that
I moved to New York for,
I broke up with my fiance,
and I'm pretty sure that
my boobs have decreased a cup
size because of all the sadness.
Why won't James do this for me?
June, if it's
that important to you,
talk to him about it.
When you get passionate about
something, you're hard to stop.
Remember your whole thing
against yellow raisins?
Albino abominations of nature!
Hey. Hey.
You convinced me, okay?
I'm convinced.
June, you got crazy eyes.
I love it when the models fall.
They're like giraffes
collapsing in the jungle.
Ooh! Good work, marbles.
846,251
is the number of teenage girls
who watched the finale
of "Dawson's Creek."
I was one of them.
And so was Celeste...
Margaret...
And Tori.
Did these girls die
in a drunk-driving accident
or something?
Is this a memorial/intervention/?
Your show reflected what was
going on in our lives.
When Aaron Demayo broke up
with me in seventh grade,
I thought I was gonna die,
and then I turned on the TV,
and grams got the diagnosis.
Cancer.
She was really going to die.
The way you dealt with that,
your strength...
it gave me strength,
and we got through it,
together.
Rack attack! Rack attack!
Rack attack!
Rack attack! Chloe, please,
June is in the middle
of a makeshift living room
presentation.
Those girls who watched you
on TV...
They're now having
daughters of their own.
One woman...
Becomes two.
Indian.
Woman.
Indian. Woman.
It's the circle of life, James.
Do you really want to break
that circle?
Oh, my God. This is so lame.
It is lame...
Of me for putting this off
for so long.
What?
I can't believe
how selfish I've been.
Crumpling up those letters
every year just 'cause I can.
This is bigger than me.
I-I need to do a reunion
for the fans.
I'm king James, the lion king.
June, what the hell?
Why did you do that?
Why do you care so much whether
or not James has a reunion?
Because the letters he gets
from the cast are fake.
I'm the one
who's been writing them
and sending them
to him every year.
Vindaloo.
You've been writing
fake letters every year?
Yes. See? I even used the same
pen to sign all three names.
I spelled "Holmes" wrong.
I should really try harder.
Why would you do this?
When James gets to turn down
Katie, Michelle, and Josh
every year,
it makes him feel
really powerful,
and on that day, I can ask him
for anything in the world,
and he won't refuse me,
just like don corleone
on the day of his daughter's
wedding in "The Godfather."
There's nothing like tranq-ing
a hot Austrian dude
and hearing the body fall.
Tranq sex... it's consensual.
You are so manipulative
and selfish.
Okay, that's true. I am.
But I'm also doing this
for James.
He shouldn't relive the past by
doing some stupid reunion show.
There's no point
in looking back.
You have to move forward,
like a shark
or a tranq dart.
Just because no one in the cast
has initiated a reunion
doesn't mean
that it is not a good idea.
I am going to make sure
that it happens.
Well, I am going to make sure
that it doesn't.
If we call Michelle first, then
everyone else will get on board.
But we can't call Josh last
'cause I'm pretty sure
he's in love with me.
I think you should call Katie
first. I love her.
I've gone as her
for the past eight halloweens.
No.
June, what are you doing?
Okay.
Making sure Chloe doesn't do
anything sneaky
to try to stop you from
making those phone calls.
She's clever and subtle,
like a cat.
She'll lurk in the shadows
and blend in
with the background,
and then once she's lured you in
to a false sense of security,
she'll quietly just...
No!
My beef isn't with you, Luther.
Thank you.
Oh!
That wasn't for anything.
That was just for fun.
You shot me
in the Booty.
Chloe, what the hell?!
Relax.
It's just tranq darts.
I loaded them with 12 turkeys'
worth of tryptophan.
She'll wake up in a few hours
and feel like she had
nine Thanksgiving dinners.
What are those?
[ Steve Carlisle ] ♪ baby... ♪
- Make it stop. Make it stop.
Shh. Shh. Shh. It's okay.
- Make it stop.
- It's okay. It's over.
♪ Wondered
whatever became of me ♪
Is that the theme
from "WKRP in Cincinnati"?
James and I just spent
the last six hours
watching bad reunion shows...
"Growing Pains, "Dynasty,"
"The Facts of Life Go to Paris."
They were all wearing berets.
- Even Tootie?
- Especially Tootie.
I can't do it, June.
I can't do the reunion.
What? No.
James, Chloe has been...
faking the letters to me every
year? Yeah, I know. She told me.
She saved me from making
the biggest mistake
of my career.
She cares enough to not
let me tarnish my legacy
by doing some terrible reunion
show. That's it. I'm out.
It's over.
I'd like to talk
to the liar in this room.
Can the liar in this room
please come to the door?
Luther would like
to talk to her.
[ Baker Street
by Gerry Rafferty ]
Chloe's right.
It's better to leave the past
in the past.
I'm glad we're not doing
a reunion show.
Celeste, Tori, and Margaret
would've freaked out
if a reunion happened,
but I guess it just
wasn't meant to be.
Well,
if we were going to do
a reunion show,
I did have a couple ideas.
It's probably
better this way.
I was bound to be
disappointed... unless I wasn't.
Unless my mind was
about to be blown.
We could've
used the platform
to address some real issues,
like global warming.
What does
Chloe know anyway?
She doesn't even watch TV.
She just punches it
when she's drunk.
Also everyone
looked bad
in those other reunion shows.
Look at me.
I look great.
My hair is better,
my body's better,
my accent work is better.
Everything's better.
Everything's tighter.
James?
Were you just walking...
and thinking? Yeah.
I think we should do
a "Dawson" reunion.
Just because it hasn't
been done well before
doesn't mean
it can't be done well now.
I-it took not wanting to do it,
then wanting to do it,
then not wanting to do it
to really want it.
I'm calling the cast.
One woman becomes two.
And soon they'll both want
to make love to me.
What's up, Celeste?
Hey, it's June.
I know it's been a while,
and I got off Facebook
because people kept tagging me
in up-angle photos,
but, um, I wanted to call you
and tell you
that I have some amazing news.
That "Dawson's Creek" reunion
that we always talked about?
It's gonna happen.
What?
That show we used to watch?
Celeste, you know that
that is so Jen of you.
Sorry, June,
I'm just really busy.
I'm the undersecretary
of commerce.
I have
three beautiful children.
I moved to Omaha, where I'm
teaching theoretical physics.
I'm in the middle of working
on a bill amending the tax code
for small business owners.
...taking Molly to tennis camp,
teaching the twins
to ride a bike,...
...writing my dissertation
on pulsars...
Are you still living
in that fabulous apartment?
Are you working on wall street?
Did you and Steven
set a date yet?
Steven and I broke up,
I lost my job and my apartment,
and now I work at a coffee shop,
and I live with a girl
who I met on Craigslist
who sells knockoff handbags
from her bedroom window.
I think that my boobs are
actually shrinking
from the sadness.
They're in.
I just to Katie, Josh,
and Michelle,
and they all said
they would love
to do a "Dawson's Creek"
reunion.
What? James, I thought we agreed
that's a bad idea.
It's my agent. Donnie Jarvis.
What's up, hooker?
What's up, wang breath?
Damn it, James, you are
a star. Do you know that?
Do you know you are a star?
So, uh, did Katie, Josh,
and Michelle's deals close?
Yeah, I just spoke
with their agents,
and they're so excited
to do this.
They're just not gonna do it.
Wait. What do you mean, they're
not gonna... they said they were
gonna do it. Now they're saying
they're not gonna do it?
No, they're not saying that.
They will never say that.
So they are gonna do it?
Yeah, in the Hollywood way.
W-what does that mean?
They're not gonna do it.
They're into it 100%.
They're just not gonna do it.
Did they say why?
Yeah. I wrote it down.
"They hate you."
Yeah. They hate you.
Ask him if he can get us
"book of mormon" tickets
on the 20th,
but not the matinee.
Busy, hey.
Thank you for meeting me.
We have to make this quick.
I don't want anyone
to see me with you.
I mean, do you know
what the others would do
if they found out?
I mean, no one's gonna take me
out to a nice fancy restaurant
and order the cherries jubilee.
It's not like they're gonna
take me to Chippendales
and look at some dong with me,
if that's what you're thinking.
Uh, yeah.
Thanks for meeting me.
What do you want, James?
I don't understand
what's going on.
Why does everybody hate me?
I thought we ended the show
on such good terms.
Seriously, you don't know?
No.
You shorted us
for the end-of-the-show gift.
What?
You convinced the cast
to buy rowboats
for the entire crew
because it was Creek-themed,
and then you never paid
your share.
We were stuck with a bill
for 145 boats, James.
I was only on the stupid show
for two seasons.
I barely broke even.
I had to sell my horse Cha-Cha.
All right, that was a total
oversight. I had no idea.
Whatever my share was,
I'd be happy to chip in now.
No, no, no. It's too late
for that, okay?
There's no way you're ever going
to repair those relationships.
That ship has sailed,
as it were.
Yeah.
I-I ordered you some food.
I, uh, I don't really know
what girls eat.
Oh, sweetie, we don't.
We don't eat.
We just live in caves,
having our periods,
until it's time to have sex
with the first guy
who buys us a wine cooler
and reminds us of our dad.
Since it's here,
I mean, mustard, maybe.
Diet soda would be great.
And a to-go box?
All my friends are
doing better than me.
They all hate me.
I thought they were in love
with me.
They don't want
to relive the past.
And why would they? They're
doing great in the present.
I thought for sure
Josh was in love with me.
My life was better
ten years ago.
My life was better
ten years ago.
Oh, my God. Are we
at a blues bar in Chicago?
Are we watching an old lady
run for the bus?
Are we listening
to a cab driver talk about
how he was a dentist
back in Pakistan?
Because you people are
depressing the hell out of me.
What do you want me to say,
Chloe?
I'm not the king anymore.
See this? This is what
I was trying to prevent,
the reason I tell my friends
not to look back.
You have to walk away
from the past in slow-motion
as it explodes behind you
like in a John woo movie.
June, you just had to go
and make that stupid
Powerpoint presentation.
Oh, this is my fault?
Finally, you admit it.
Now get to your room and put on
something I don't hate.
They're autumnal sweaters,
and bite me.
Are we done now?
Can we move on from this?
Yeah, we can move on...
To plan "b"...
Something better.
Something bigger.
I don't need those guys.
It wasn't
"pacey, Jen, and Joey's Creek."
Don't you see?
Doing a reunion is right.
It's right for us,
it's right for the fans,
and it's right for us.
Plus, doing it this way
would be completely unexpected.
Nobody would see it coming.
I don't understand.
Are you shopping?
Uh-huh. Yeah. Yeah.
Love groceries.
Anyway, "Malcolm in the middle"
meets Dawson.
Right? You do a special reunion
episode of your show,
and I'll be on it.
I'll be in the middle with you.
James, enough.
You're talking nonsense.
How'd you find me here?
I downloaded "Grindr,"
that gay hook-up app,
on your phone.
I can track you at all times.
James, come on.
Let's go home.
You're really
upsetting Frankie.
I'm not upsetting Frankie.
You took my whipped cream.
F-Frankie.
Frankie. Frankie, you're
not understanding, okay?
This could be huge.
It's gonna be amazing.
I got my best guy working
on the script as we speak.
"Interior, white house, day.
"President leery sits
in the oval office.
Malcolm in the middle
approaches, wearing a...
"Tasteful pantsuit.
"Dawson... 'excellent work,
Copresident Malcolm.'
"Malcolm... 'thank you.'"
you have done it again,
Luther Vandross Wilson.
All right, James,
it was... it was nice meeting you.
I'm a fan, but, uh,
I'm throwing a barbecue.
I really need
to get my groceries.
That's perfect!
W-we'll write the barbecue
into the script!
You're feeling neglected 'cause
you... you're in the middle.
I'm feeling so many emotions,
I'm bawling my eyes out.
Hot tears, great food...
Oh.
Nice shot.
It's my grocery list.
It's probably worth something.
Oh.
Hi, James.
How you feeling?
Mark-Paul Gosselaar?
What are you doing here?
I called him.
Ta-da!
I love you.
When I was 10,
I had a Shih Tzu,
and I named it
Dog-Paul Gosselaar.
So did I.
Chloe told me about
your reunion episode.
That's why I'm here...
to tell you,
you need to move on.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
You don't... you don't understand.
Don't I? You think I haven't
cornered Frankie Muniz before?
I accosted him at a zoo.
You smell amazing.
Why are those hippos
always sleeping?
Have you read my book, amigo?
It's all about finding the now.
You see...
I had to call
a time-out on my own self.
Bummed around solvang
for a while in a pedal car.
Really got into Dutch candy.
Well, it's all in the book.
See, you and I both
became famous early on
for an iconic role,
but we can't let that role
define us.
That's why I signed it
specially for you.
"Best. Mark-Paul."
Ta-da!
Dawson Leery
is talking
to Zack Morris.
I am so into this.
I hope they kiss.
...Have
the best years in front of you.
Why am I so into this?
I am a grown woman.
I am not a teenager.
Why?
Why can't I just move on
like the rest of my friends?
Oh, my God.
Screw your friends.
That stay-at-home? Guess what.
Her kids grow up and move out.
The undersecretary of commerce
or whatever?
She gets replaced by
the next administration.
And the third one? I don't
remember what you said she did,
so let's just say
she gets hit by a bus.
The point is, their stories are
already written.
You are sitting
at a fame intervention
next to a hot-ass ho
packing a tranq gun.
Dude, your story is
just starting.
- Thanks.
- You have a great body...
That means a lot to me.
Shut up.
You need to get rid of everything
from your Dawson days.
It's keeping you
from moving forward.
I sold
my Bayside Letterman jacket.
That's how I bought
my horse Cha-Cha.
Oh, God. I love her so much.
You're right.
I-I didn't even realize it
u-until this happened...
how much time and energy I spent
focused on that part of my life.
I need to purge the past.
You'll be amazed
at all the good things
that start to happen.
Cele-bro hug?
Why are you saying that?
That's the title of chapter
seven. Where did you hear that?
I don't know.
I just made it up.
My ghostwriter, Vivian Dante,
made that up.
She also runs my Twitter account
on Sundays when I ride Cha-Cha.
[ Paula Cole ]
♪ I don't wanna wait ♪
♪ for our lives to be over ♪
♪ I want to know ♪
♪ right now
what it will be ♪
Thanks for coming
to my funeral.
Of course, James.
We wouldn't miss it.
Say the word, and I'll sing.
Thank you for helping me
move forward.
And don't worry about
your "godfather" day.
I'll be sure to find other ways
for you to manipulate me
out of my money.
Mm! I hope so, friend.
I'm sorry there's no reunion.
Oh, that's okay.
I don't need one anymore.
Aah!
Aah!
What the hell was that?
Oh, probably just
June's sweaters.
I'm assuming
they're all polyester.
You threw my sweaters in there?
Come on, James.
[ ♪ Killing in the Name ♪
By Rage Against the Machine ]
never look back, James.
Don't worry. I won't.
Some of those sweaters
were expensive.
No, they weren't.