Don't Trust the B---- in Apartment 23 (2012–2013): Season 1, Episode 7 - Shitagi Nashi... - full transcript

I've always
been a driven person.

In high school,
i got straight "A's,"

founded several academic clubs,

and was president
of the debate team.

I was also the school mascot.

Needless to say, I was never
one of the cool kids.

Yeah!

June! Over here!

Until now.

I saved you a seat! Scoot over.

Somehow I've become friends



with the coolest girl
in the world.

Drink it, you slut.

Whoo-hoo! I'm a slut!

Bottoms up, whore!

You're saying
something negative,

but it sounds positive.
I love it!

I found it...

My place in the sun.

Can we get another round,
please?

What happened?

We need to pump your stomach.
You have alcohol poisoning.

It's bigger than it looks.

Like, by a lot.

d I'm not
perfect, I'm no snitch d



d but I can tell you d

(Whispers) d she's a... d
(Buzzer)

d Ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba d

d ba-da-da-da-da-ba, ba-da-ba d

Couldn't hang with Chloe, huh?

No, I was... huh.
I was... I was hanging.

This is probably from that, um,
raw hamburger that I slept-ate.

Please. I used to be
Chloe's roommate, too, remember?

Look.

Fashion week '09,
Versace after-party.

Blew out my larynx.

From too much "whoo-hoo" ing?

Yeah, June...
from too much "whoo-hoo" ing.

I don't understand. I drank
the same amount that Chloe did.

Chloe's ability to
process alcohol is legendary,

but you,
my small-livered friend,

can't drink
for the next six months,

which means you are out
of Chloe's social life.

I hope you like pajama pants
and police procedurals.

I can still hang
with Chloe. Okay?

This is my moment in...

In the sun...

Yep.

Once you've felt the sun
on your skin,

the shade can feel
especially cold.

Die, die, die, die, die, die,
die, die, die, die,

Oh. Hey!

What are you guys doing here?
You didn't have to come get me.

Are you kidding?
After that ace move you pulled?

It's like you knew
the party was gonna suck,

so you faked a seizure.

Super believable,
foam and everything.

Look at you,
committing to the bit.

That's amazing.

You know, I once faked
being chased by a Bumblebee

to avoid talking
to my old agent.

Yeah, well, that's how I roll,
you know? Heh.

When stuff sucks, I just
pretend that my body is...

Shutting down.

Sweet.

We're starting
New York rehearsals

for "dancing with the stars."

Luther got first pick
of dressing rooms.

Nice.

Is that important?

Is th... is...
Chloe, can you...

Actors are very sensitive people
so they need the validation that

comes from knowing that everyone
else's dressing room sucks.

Thank you.
Sounds douche-y when I say it.

Well, are you ready to go home?

Yeah. I am.

Sake bomb!

Sea urchin chaser!

Mmm! June, you're not doing your
sake bomb with raw fish chaser.

I can't have any of this.

I mean, I think I still
have vomit in my hair

from last night.

You freaking monster.
I love you.

So, uh... this place is cool.

One of the perks
of being a health inspector.

I give them an "a" rating
even though their fish is old,

and they let us eat for free.

They also let me keep my canoe
in their basement.

Shitagi Nashi.

Shitagi Nashi!

Okay.

Mm. Come on, June.
It's getting cold.

I got my stomach pumped

and I had a tube
down my throat last night.

I get pumped and have stuff
down my throat all the time,

and it doesn't stop me.

Shitagi Nashi.

Okay.

W-what does that mean? Why do
people keep saying that to you?

Um, I don't know.

Japanese people
always say that to me.

I think it just means I'm tall.

Oh, no,
it means "no panties."

Your catchphrase
from "tall slut no panties."

The graphic novel based on you?
It's huge in Japan.

Chloe, you have
a graphic novel based on you?

Huh. So raw fish... delicious,
raw chicken... salmonella.

It's cuckoo-pants.

June, I can't stand it anymore.

Pastor Jin.

Obviously, the man I'm with
is not my husband.

I saw you notice us
when you walked in.

Nothing has happened yet.
Yes, I had my hand on his leg...

I didn't see you.

Have a good Sushi. Enjoy.
Okay. Bye.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

This dressing room
once belonged to Mr. Tom Poston

when he was in previews

for "a funny thing happened
on the way to the forum."

Yes.

Yes, that's why it feels
so comfortable to me.

As always, Luther, perfect.

Dean Cain, you old hoofer.
How's it going?

Can't complain, James.

Yeah?

Rehearsals are going well.

Think I'm starting to
master my Latin hip movement.

Yeah,
it's gonna be a good season.

Yes, it is.

Well, see you
on the planks, then.

What were you thinking?!

That ghosts have seen
all my passwords.

Dean Cain's dressing room has
an extra 1/3 of a ceiling tile.

His room is 6 inches
bigger than mine... 6!

I noticed instantly!
How could you not catch this?

I-I didn't look up.
Why didn't I look up?

Well, it's too late now, Luther!
It's happened.

You've made your first mistake
as my assistant.

God, this dressing room
is suffocating me.

I can practically
touch the walls.

Wow! Oh, my gosh.
This is so cool.

I can't believe
I'm friends with somebody

that has a graphic novel
based on them! How cool is that?

He gets my knees.

I have tricky knees,
but he gets them.

Wow. I'm finally
in your apartment.

All those years
of sitting in my window,

wondering what was
behind this pillar...

Oh. Just a table
with some bric-a-brac.

Hold on. Is that...

Just a banana.

Oh. This isn't good.

This isn't what you want.
Hope it's not structural.

This is amazing.

Your character drives around on
a motorcycle that has a sidecar!

The minute
she walked into the club,

it became the place to be.

Everyone wanted to be her,
be with her,

or lick her marshmallow wig.

Oh, I remember that night.
I wore a marshmallow wig.

Hey, Eli, how come
you didn't tell Chloe

about these novels?

I assumed she knew.

I was always calling her
a tall slut

or suggesting it was
a nice day for no panties.

Oh, I thought you were just
being a pervert.

Understandable mistake.

Hey, do you mind
if I pee in your toilet?

It would mean a lot to me.

Sure, pal.
"Patrick Kelly."

That's the guy who wrote these.
Do you know who that is?

Ugh. June, if I had time to worry about
every person...

Who admired, imitated,
or stalked me,

I wouldn't have time to be
my fabulous self.

Now come on. There's a party
at the mayor's mansion.

Let's get somebody impeached.

Chloe, I can't drink.

Oh, you're still doing that?
Oh, well. Don't wait up.

Uh, no, I mean, I can
hang out with you.

It's just,
I-I can't drink anything.

Oh, no, no, no.

If you roll with me,
you roll as hard as me.

I don't want
any judgmental Judys

or sober Sallys in my crew.

Okay, well,
the good news is, Chloe,

is that in six short months,

we'll be able to pick up
where we left o...

Now we're really friends.

Uh, June? Hi.

Hi. You're at work.

I'm seeing
if Robin was exaggerating

about not being able to party

six months after getting
your stomach pumped.

Ooh. There is a girl on here
that went to Vegas the next day.

Crap, and there's a link
to her memorial page.

Okay, what is going on with you?

You're ignoring customers,
the muffin dome is a disaster,

and you didn't even laugh
at the new "dilbert"

I put on the community board.

Mark, nobody laughs at that.

They're drawing an analogy
where he's the car

and coffee is his gasoline.

Okay, look, all right,
for the first time in my life,

I have old club stamps
on my hand, okay?

The other day,
I put on a leather jacket,

and I wasn't pretending to be
Sandy in "grease."

Chloe's got me
in with the in crowd,

and I...

I-I really don't want
to let that go.

Interesting goals.

Pretty different
from when you first moved here.

Remember when your top priority

was getting a job
on wall street?

I am still trying to get
a job on wall street.

I am sending my resume out
every day,

but no one is hiring,
so in the meantime,

I'm just gonna hang out
with Chloe.

I-I don't know
if you know this or not,

but I wasn't really the most
popular girl in high school.

You know,
hanging out with Chloe

is just a way to avoid reality.

All she does is party.

If you don't have
a working liver,

you have nothing in common.

That's not true.

We definitely have a lot
in common.

I mean, we both think
that we saw

"sleeping with the enemy,"
but we're not sure.

Oh, I saw that.
Wait. Did I?

Maybe it is structural.

Oh, my God.

You should fire Luther.

He made a mistake.
It happens.

He said he's gonna
make it right.

You should make him cry
and then kick him

and then kiss him
to confuse him

and then fire him.

Shitagi Nashi.

You pretended
you haven't heard of them,

but I looked
under the floorboard

and see that you have
every issue.

Oh, um, I just have those

because stalkers send them
to me.

Oh, really?
Well, then you won't mind

if I remove them
from the plastic cover they...

no!

Your finger oils!

Aha! I knew it!

Okay, fine.
I think they're cool.

Let's not make a big deal
about it.

Chloe, there's no need to be
embarrassed about being

replicated
in other media formats.

I've got
an entire room dedicated

to various James Van Der Beek
action figures.

Who do I want
to play with today?

Chloe, this is a big deal...
For us.

I mean, it means that we have
something else in common

besides liking to party.

For example,
you're not the only one

who inspired a comic book.

"The adventures
of trina & sissy"!

You were friends with a lot of
your mom's friends, weren't you?

I made it in high school.

I didn't want
to show you earlier,

because you didn't seem
so impressed by the novels,

but now...

It's about me
and my best friend,

who spent prom night
in the band room,

eating oranges
and playing flute duets.

Some say prom

is the most important night
of the year,

but not to trina and sissy.

They had bigger plans
than getting groped

by basketball players

and narrowly missing
teen pregnancy and a...

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Aa a aah! Aah!

Oh. What? Ohh.
That's all right. That's okay.

There's... there's another copy,
so don't feel bad.

Wait a minute.
That... that looks familiar.

Did... did you send me
an issue

where trina and sissy break
into the set on "Dawson's creek"

and force me to be
their algebra teacher?

No.

Okay, good,
'cause that was creepy, man.

I gave that to the FBI.

Look, I think the comics
are cool

because I like looking
at myself.

I think they're cool
the way that mirrors are cool.

I'm not a comic book nerd.

Chloe, but there is
a whole other side of you

that you are hiding
from the world,

and that side of you
might want to hang out with me

and do something that doesn't
rupture my stomach lining.

Like what?

Well, it's active,
but it's not physical.

It involves fashion,
and you get to throw things.

It's bowling,
but before you say no...

I'm in.
Really?

Yes. Go get
your ball, June.

This is not bowling.

I know.
I would never go bowling,

but I wanted to go out
with Paulo tonight.

He's number three
in my man rotation.

He's poorer than number one
but hotter than number six.

Anyway, he always brings
his creepy roommate,

so I thought
you could keep him busy.

Ciao! Come on, Paulo.

Hi. I'm June.

Patrick.

Oh, my.

You are Patrick Kelly!

You are the creator
of "tall slut no panties"!

You know my work,

but you're not Japanese
or my mother.

No, I'm June.
I'm Chloe's roommate.

I should introduce you to her.
She... she would love to meet you.

No way. Uh...

I prefer to lurk in the shadows

and appear creepy and weird,
do my thing from afar.

Here we are
at our underwater wedding.

She's the mermaid.

So when Paulo goes out
with Chloe,

you just kinda..
You tag along

and you hang out
in the corner or...

Yeah.

Patrick, um...
That's kinda sad.

I mean, do you really want
to spend your life

following this girl around
from bar to bar?

How is that any different
from what you're doing?

You're right.
What the hell am I doing?

I am not a woodchuck anymore,

and neither are you.

I have no idea what that means.

It means that we gotta start
living our own lives

and stop following around
some girl

that doesn't even know
that we're here.

This is stupid.

Hey, Beeker.
You wanted to see me?

"Beeker."
I love it.

Uh, yeah, come on in.

Yeah, I wanted to talk
dance belts.

Whoa.

Did you do all this?

Oh, the redec?
Yeah, uh, you know,

I just had Luther throw
some stuff up on the walls,

you know, restock the fridge.

Wow. It's...

Wow.

Oh. You like it? You know what?
You should take it.

Really? Yeah, it's, uh, it's
a little too lush for me.

You know, I-I want to just kinda
get back to the basics,

focus on my dancing.

Here are the keys.
Here's the master remote.

Come on, James. You think
I couldn't tell instantly

that my dressing room is
6 inches larger than yours?

I can count ceiling tiles,
too, my friend.

You want to snow somebody,

take it next door
to Fred savage.

Ohh. I'm sorry, James.

I-I thought
this would fix it.

Yeah, I know you did...

And that's the problem.

What are you saying?

I... I need to think
about some things.

I-I...
I need to think about us.

I see.

Well, then I need
to think about

the conversation I had with
the misses tia and Tamera Mowry.

When the black Olsen twins call,
you answer.

I just feel so refocused,
you know?

I mean, as soon as Patrick
pointed it out to me,

it all became clear.

I totally lost track
of what I came here to do,

so I am recommitting myself
to my goals.

Patrick? Who's Patrick?
I pointed that stuff out to you.

Mark, it's not a competition
between you and Patrick.

Who the hell is Patrick?

But if it were,
he'd be winning.

Oh, good.

You're just in time for
the new issue of "no panties."

Oh. My bad.

It's "strong bowling girl
talks a lot!"

Whatever the hell that is!

Is that... is that me?

You know it is, you bitch.
You killed tall slut no panties!

I had no idea that Patrick
was gonna write about me.

Your boobs are just
normal boobs,

and you go
around Manhattan bowling

and giving people pep talks.

What the hell kind
of character is that?!

Once again, I find myself
having to defend bowling,

and I won't do it.
It doesn't need me to.

You knew this was important
to me, and you ruined it.

I didn't mean to.

I mean,
it will not happen again.

In case you haven't noticed,

I have been trying to do
my own thing now.

I'm the one that does
my own thing!

I am the one with all the things!

Chloe, I'm having
issues with Luther,

so I have to pick up
my own beauty supplies.

Do you want to come?

I'm sorry, James.

I can't. I've got plans.

I'm going bowling
like boring people.

This is what
you've reduced me to.

I hope you're happy.

Come on. You...

you are being such
a drama queen right now.

Oops. Forgot about these.

What are you doing?
You're tall slut no panties.

Not anymore, James.
Not anymore.

I just hope I don't get
knocked in the crotch

by some lady bowler's
functional purse.

Ohh. What a baby!

This is exactly what I do not
like about cool people.

They are so into themselves!

Do I like myself better
upside down?

You know, that girl has
a life that

most people would kill for,
but you know what?

She's upset because
she's not in a comic book.

It's not about being
in a comic book, June.

See, Chloe's the "it" girl now,

but that only lasts so long.

Do you remember
mumms Von Troyer?

Who?

Mumms was the "it" girl

when Chloe first moved
to New York.

Now she's dead
or lives on a horse farm

or makes organic baby food.

I don't know. Who cares?

The point is,
nobody remembers her.

That's the nature
of the "it" girl.

It's fleeting.
Chloe gets that,

but having her life chronicled
in a book was a way to feel like

she'd always be remembered.

I gotta go.

Yeah.

I understand more than anybody
how fleeting fame can be.

It puts a lot
of pressure on you.

Sometimes you take it out
on those you love the most.

Wait a minute.
I just realized something.

That's what's happening
with you and Chloe.

Where have you been? Letting the
"dancing with the stars" tailor

know your measurements, in case
I'm no longer in your employ.

I told them you like
a festive lining,

if the garment allows it.

I want to show you something.

I broke through the wall

and stole
Fred savage's dressing room.

Mine is now
bigger than Dean Cain's.

I guess now you have
everything.

Actually, I did it for you.

This is your space.

Training for the mirror ball
trophy is stressful.

I need to be able to take
that out on somebody.

I-I want that someone
to be you.

You're an amazing assistant.

Slash friend.

Slash friend who I pay.

Okay.

Ugh! Panties.
I can't get comfortable.

How does Hillary Clinton do it?

Here.

What is it?

Open it.

It's a new issue
of "Trina & Sissy"

with a special guest star,
tall slut no panties.

You crash the high school prom.

You kill trina and then use
Trina's corpse to kill sissy,

and then you corkscrew
into the earth

until you reach
its molten lava core.

Why did you do this?

I know how it feels to be afraid
you're gonna be forgotten.

That's why I was so desperate
to hang out with you,

because I didn't want you
to leave me behind.

What are you talking about?

I'm not afraid
of being forgotten.

Well, in case you ever are,
you have this.

It's not huge in Japan.
No one's ever gonna read it,

but you have your own copy,
and I have mine, too.

You can burn it if you want to.

You gave me
some pretty fierce boobs.

I traced candy corn.

"Muahahaha! I won!
Now to the earth's core!"

I guess I can keep it.

You know, if I ever need
to wrap a fish or something.

Cool.

Where you going?

To bed.

I spent all night
drawing in the rubber bands

in sissy's braces, so...

Absolutely not.
We're going out.

Chloe, I can't party.

We still don't have
anything in common.

Look, we don't have to have
anything in common, okay?

We're friends. Whatever.

Ohh! I can see.

That is so much better.

Mm!

And so Chloe and June went out

into the night together.

It was... not fun for June.

Look at me!

Don't look at her!

Are you having a fun birthday?

Hey! The rest of us need
to throw up, too, you know?

Chloe, get in the cab!

Shut up, goblin!
I don't know you!

Chloe!

Chloe!